01x08 - Birthday

[bunniefuu]

-[bell rings]
-Okay, I'll see
you guys Thursday.

-Good work. Make sure
to get those papers in.
-[students chattering]

Mr. Marquez,

can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, yeah. What's up, Eddie?

-I've been having some thoughts.
-Oh, my God. Suicidal.

-You want me to call somebody?
-No, no. I-It's about
my orientation.

I guess you would call it an...

I-I think I'm...

I-I think I'm g*y.
And I know that you're g*y.

And I thought that
maybe you could help me or,

like, talk me through how
to tell the people in my life

'cause this is all
just so new and scary,

and I could really
use some support.

What? You're scared
to come out? It's 2024.

Just go in the hall
and say "I'm g*y."

Sorry, I don't
mean to be mean.
I can't help you with this.

I grew up in the '90s.
That was different.

J-Just go and get advice
from kids your age.

If you want somebody
to talk to, go talk to one
of the many out g*y kids

-at this school, you know.
-Yeah. [stutters] Okay.

But be careful, don't talk
to one of those nonspecific
q*eer kids

who may or may not
be doing it for clout.

Those people
are mostly straight.

-Don't tell anybody I said that.
-Yeah.

You're gonna wanna find,
like, a real g*y person,

like, classic g*y vibes,
you know? "Queen-y." You know?

Should be easy to identify.
Don't tell anybody I said that.

Somebody your age.
They'll help you more than me,
I think. [chuckles]

But great... great.
Thanks. Very good.

Okay, I'll see you later. Bye.

I don't know. I feel like
you don't listen to me

when I tell you what I want.
I don't want a birthday event,
Malcolm.

Oh, my God, you f*cking nerd.
It's not an event. It's you
and me going to a bar.

It's a leather daddy bar.

People need to have fun
in this life. I'm sorry.

You and me are going
to f*cking Tom of Austin

for your 35th
m*therf*cking birthday

because you are a g*y man
in your prime and someone
needs to suck your d*ck.

[shushes, whispering]
I'm at school.

- Nobody needs to suck my d*ck.
-I need to suck your d*ck.

I'm kidding.
No, we're friends, remember?

I have an outfit picked out
for you. It's c**t as hell.

No, I'm not wearing
whatever you have planned.
I'm not wearing it.

Yes. Yes,
it's cute. It's comfy
You're gonna love it. Bye.

[♪ "Bizarre Love Triangle"
playing]

♪ Every time
I see you falling ♪

♪ I get down on
my knees and pray ♪

♪ I'm waiting for
that final moment ♪

I feel like my ba*ls are hanging
out of these shorts.

Yeah, they're shorts, babe.

Well, I haven't dressed
like this since I was 24.

-Some people
still think you're 24.
-Nobody thinks I'm 24, Malcolm.

They do when you're with me.
They're like, "Look at those

two 20-somethings. They have
their life ahead of them.

-Are they going
to an Ice Spice concert?"
-[chuckles]

-"I like them."
-Just get inside the bar.

If some parent sees me here,
they're probably gonna try
to hate-crime me.

[Malcolm] Oh, my God.
Not everyone in the world
is a h*m*

-as much as you'd love that.
-Malcolm, I know we're
in Austin,

but you forget
we are also in Texas.

Yeah, we are at
a g*y bar in Texas,

in a g*y bar parking lot
filled with g*y people's cars.

And you, I know you think
you're the only g*y man in
this universe, but--

I feel like I hear that
you're about to start talking

-about Berlin again, am I right?
-I actually wasn't. But let's
f*cking go there, baby.

In Berlin, your life is your
work is your life, and you
can actually be...

-Right.
"Your life is your work"...
-...yourself in any environment.

-That perspective
is what got you fired.
-I resigned like a US president.

-This could be fun actually.
-Ew. You're attracted

to the most, like,
basic bodybuilder bodies.
It's so embarrassing.

-Just say you're jealous.
-I'm... [stammers]
I'm not jealous of him.

It's been a while since
I've been around just g*y
people. It's really good.

I'm doing something
that's not work for once.

He's 35. You don't
need to check it.

Thirty-five. I'm younger.
Check mine.

[♪ dance music playing]

[group] Surprise!

-[guests] Happy birthday.
-Oh, my God.

Happy birthday, Ev. Remember us?

Happy birthday.

[actors moaning, grunting]

Oh, my God. [chuckles]

[actor grunts] You like that?

This is insane, okay?
You cannot bring people

like the people I work with
to a place like this.

-They're gonna
freak the f*ck out.
-God. Oh, my God. Daddy, chill.

It's fine.
They deserve to freak out.

They don't need
to be freaked out.

-Moretti is here?
-Yeah.

You brought Grant Moretti
to this bar?

Oh, I get it.
[stammering] I...
I have to... Just...

-Is this your idea of,
like, a fun surprise?
-Yes. Yeah.

That's why I did it.
I gotta say you're acting,
like, a little not grateful.

-You should smile. Smile.
Have fun. Have fun.
-Evan, Evan. Malcolm, hello.

-Hi.
-I just need to disclose quickly

since there are more than
three faculty members here,

this is technically a school
event, so I just... just act
accordingly.

And happy birthday.

-Happy birthday.
-Are... Are you okay?

Of course, of course.
I'm open-minded.
I'm open-minded.

I'm a little uncomfortable,
but I'm working through it.
Hello.

-Excuse me. Don't touch him.
Goodbye. Thank you, sir.
-Later.

-Thank you. He's not interested.
-You know there's fisting porn
on three of the televisions?

-Oh, God.
-I think all the TVs are
playing the same thing.

No, no. They all seem to be
different ones. There's a...

[stammers]
You know, traditional
missionary-style on one.

Of course, it's between two men
who are about 40 years old.

Why? Why am I talking
about this?

Grant, it's very sweet
that you came,

but just... You don't
need to stay here, okay?

No, no, no, stay. Come on.

I'm gonna do a little
performance later that
might turn you on.

[chuckles] I remember why it
was good you resigned, Malcolm.

[kisses] See? Thank you.
I resigned.

Please just stay
for one more hour.

All right. [stammers]

Maybe a drink then and, uh,
hopefully some wings as well.

I don't think they have wings,
but there is a c*m-themed
Bundt cake

that, uh, looks
pretty good to me.

Maybe just a drink then.

He's gonna get roofied
because of you.

[Malcolm] Oh, my God.
They're not that bad for you.

[♪ club music playing]

-Chuck.
-Uh...

It's me, dude,
Markie Hillridge, man.

We played football together
in high school.

-Oh, my... Markie?
-Exactly.

-What the f*ck, dude?
-Dude. [laughs]

-How are you?
-Holy sh*t.

-Ah, It's been forever.
-I know. What are you
doing here?

I'm here at this birthday
party. Is that why you're
here? You got a party?

Uh, no, we're just...
You know, we're just hanging...

Wait,

you ended up marrying
Kathy Durham, didn't you?

Briefly, yeah.

-Oh. What a dime-piece, man.
-Yeah, w-we're divorced.

-What?
-Uh. Yeah.

Can I get her number?
I'm kidding. That sucks, man.

I mean, you guys were,
like, joined at the hip

from junior high
to graduation and sh*t.

Y'all were perfect.
What happened?

Markie, I'm g*y.

What?

I sleep with men.

Okay. But... Oh, sure,
but you weren't g*y
in high school.

I was. Uh, yeah,
I was in the closet.

Huh.

So, we beat Westlake
with a g*y quarterback?

-[laughs] Yeah, you did.
-That's what you're saying?

What? Like, 300 yards?

-That game was some sh*t.
-At least.

I wish you had come out
the moment we won.

-I came out in the shower after.
-[laughs]

This outfit is incredible.

Oh, thanks. Yeah,
Malcolm gave me this stuff.

It's so hot.

Nick knows he doesn't have
to be here, right?

No, that is what I wanna talk
to you about.

-We broke up.
-What?

-I know.
-When?

Like... Just, like... Hey. Whoa.

Okay, thank you. I'm gonna
take, uh, this one. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. [mumbles]

A few hours ago.

I just, like,
hit a breaking point.

-With the pool stuff?
-Yeah, with the pool.

And then like, in hindsight,
that pool, like, him digging
his own pool is just

a way for him to pretend
to be busy instead of
looking for a job.

-Yeah, we all knew that.
-I didn't wanna say anything.

-I didn't want you
to worry about me.
-I-I knew it.

It was painfully obvious
to everyone.

[chuckles] Sure. Right.
Well, now you know the truth.

-Gwen.
-Yes, baby.

You really don't
have to be here.

What? No. Are you kidding?
I'm... It's your birthday.

And I am definitely
gonna find a new man tonight.

-Mama is loose.
-You're on the loose.

Oh, my God. I'm on the loose.

[laughs] Do you want a drink?
Let me get another drink.

-How many shots have you had?
-[chuckles] I'm gonna get laid.

-[chuckles] No. Maybe.
-Okay.

[laughs] Yo, Ev,
you know your friend Daniel?

-Who?
-Daniel, your friend,
that guy over there.

That's not my friend.
That's, like, a random
waiter I met once.

He was telling me about poppers.

I wasn't gonna come out
tonight, but then I thought,
the community. I need it.

[laughs]

Wait. So, can you finish
explaining what poppers are?

Remember the videos I showed you
of guys bottoming?

-People use poppers for that.
-[Rick] Oh.

-Yo.
-[Daniel] Oh, my God.

The whole g*ng's officially
back together again.

Yeah.

-Who are you?
-Come on, hon.

Guys, I'm down to try poppers.

I-I got you.

I got you, boo. Here...
Here's mine.

All right, boys.
I got the poppers.

-[crowd cheering]
-I just had a crazy idea.

I've been trying
to get a community together

of artists and people
who dance and sex workers.

If you guys are in,
I will leave my place.

I have a little bit of
settlement money from when I
sued California Pizza Kitchen.

We have to go.

Good luck, babe.

Thank you.

-[Evan] Hey.
-Hey.

Kinda surprised to see you here.

I feel like you've been
sort of avoiding me since
the homecoming debacle.

Yeah, I've been fully
avoiding you. [chuckles]

But Malcolm called and, um,
it's your birthday.

Well, I enjoyed it
before I freaked out.

Our awkward kiss thing.

-Yeah, right before
the freak-out?
-[Evan] Yeah.

Oh, it was great. Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

-Hi. Me? [chuckles]
-Hi.

-[Malcolm] How are you?
-How are you?

-[Malcolm] I'm good.
-How's the, um...

-What is it that you do again?
-[chuckles]

Uh, thank you so much
for asking. I'm a dancer.

Uh, yeah, but right
now I'm working as
a software engineer

for a very innovative
tech start-up.

What is the start-up?

We provide tents for unhoused
people, um, through an app.

Unhoused people actually
can't access an app

-'cause they don't have phones.
-They're not called "cell-less."

They're called homeless.
They have phones.

And why do you need the app?
Why can't you just give people
the tents?

So many people
keep asking me that.

But, you know, we're
partnering with North Face,
which is really cool.

Whoa.

-[♪ dance music playing]
-[Rick] Oh. Look at those guys.

Precious.

You know, you can get it
with someone. I swear to God,
you really...

-Oh.
-[Gwen shrieks]

Hey, you sl*t. How are you?

There is not a single
straight guy in the house.

That's crazy.

[all] Hug. I love you.

Oh, there's the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.

-Oh, Markie, I love you too.
-[Markie] Hey.

-Hey. Cool.
-[Gwen] Aw.

You're such a positive force
in my life.

And I am just so lucky
to know you. You're so great.

-Do I ever tell you that?
-[mouthing words]

Wow. I say that
about you all the time.

I feel the same way.
I've always wanted
to say this to you.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna see
about the karaoke situation.

-[Evan] Got it.
-[Malcolm] Yeah.

I don't think they
have karaoke in here.

-No, they let you
if you're persistent.
-[Gwen shrieks]

-Gwen is so drunk.
-More porn on the TVs.

[chuckles] That's better.
You're welcome, by the way.

For Harry.

What do you mean?

I brokered peace between
you two, single-handedly,
by the way.

You didn't broker anything.

He's just a guy
I had an awkward kiss with.

Okay. Well, now he's here and
obviously he wants to S and F
you. So...

Malcolm, it doesn't matter,
because nothing can happen.

I know you care about your job.

But you do not need to be,
like, a cop in your own life.

That stupid rule doesn't
mean you can't hook up
with coworkers.

It means you can't get caught
hooking up with coworkers.

You-You don't understand
something so fundamental
about being a teacher.

My work and my personal life
are deeply separate things.

Will you stop talking
about teaching?

I'm begging you.
It's so boring. It's so boring.

I honestly don't care.
If you don't want to hook
up with Harry, don't.

But, like, him and I do have
a vibe. So, if you don't
f*ck him, I-I do have to.

Okay?

Oh.

-Hey, Harry.
-Hey. Hey, guys.

Did you see?
Harry walked into the bathroom.

-[Harry] Good to see you again.
-Hey.

Evan, didn't you have to...

You were telling me how much
you had to go to the bathroom?

-[scoffs]
-Pee style, you said, not poop.

Bye, guys.

[sighs] Sorry. He's always
trying to make me uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable so much
in my life, honestly.

[sighs]

This thing does not get hot.

Well, everything else around
here is working perfectly.

-[chuckling] I know.
-So...

[sighs]

So, uh...

[chuckles]

What should we do?

What do you mean? [chuckles]

I kind of dig a crazy girl.

When we did this at school,
it didn't end very well.

That's true.

But we are not
at school right now.

Oh. Am I allowed to pee in here?

Yeah, of course you can pee.
It's... It's a bathroom.

No, I-I just heard that
bathrooms are high-activity
areas, you know?

-It's got-- Oh. Okay.
-[people moaning]

I'm so sorry, gentlemen.

Oh. Whoa, no. Good.

I'm gonna...

So, I'll see you there. [laughs]

Bye.

I'm telling you, guys.

Seriously,
modern-day root beer tastes
nothing like OG root beer.

-That can't be true.
-It is true. Look it up.

Hey. One sec. Evan.

Hey, man, this place
is f*cking awesome, dude.

These guys are great.
They're hanging
on my every word, man.

It's like they're
on team Markie. Big time.

Yeah. So basically, these
guys wanna have sex with you.

-With me?
-Yeah.

-Why?
-You're kind of a classic bear.

You think more of these guys...
Like, does everybody here
want to f*ck me?

-A lot of people do.
-Do you wanna f*ck me?

-No, I'm good.
-Okay.

Is it making you
uncomfortable? You want me
to do something about it?

No. No. Not at all.
Actually, it's very flattering.

I'm gonna hang on
to this for a little bit.

Makes you think though.
You know? Like imagine me
as a g*y dude.

I'd have to bang all these dudes
and probably all those dudes.

It would suck to suck that much
if you know what I'm saying.

No, but if you were g*y,
you would like it.

So, it wouldn't feel like work.

No, I don't think I'd like it.
Nah, sorry.

Even if I was g*y as hell,
even if I was gayer than you,
I don't think I'd like it.

Guys, I'm on the root beer wiki.
It's true.

-Wow.
-[Markie] I'll catch up
with you later.

Are you okay, Rick?

You look like you maybe
are not okay. What's going on?

Just doing my best
at keeping Austin weird.

[both chuckle]

Dude, poppers.

These things are gonna be
the next big thing.

I'm gonna sell these things
at a 200% markup.

-Yeah. How much
of this did you do?
-[stammers] A lot.

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Can you text me so I remember?
Poppers profit straight
community.

Yeah, I'll text you in a second.
I'm gonna take these with me.

-You hold steady here.
-All right, buddy.

Hope the money
doesn't change me!

-I'm gonna sing a song, okay?
-No.

Hey, hey, hey!

-Just play a karaoke track.
-Hey, how are you?

-Hi.
-[Malcolm] I haven't
seen you in a bit.

Great.

I'm gonna sing a ca...

a song for you
and it's gonna be a cappella.

-Okay. k*ll the music, please.
Thank you.
-[crowd cheering]

♪ It's g*y town city ♪

♪ Oh, it's g*y town city ♪

♪ Everybody loves gays ♪

♪ Everybody loves girls ♪

♪ But gays don't love girls ♪

-Oh, sh*t.
I'm about to Shazam this one.
-[Gwen] Oh, wait. It's okay.

Do you know how hot I am
considered by men?

And not a single one of you

has even started to look
at my cleavage.

-[crowd laughing]
-And that is also

awful for me. [chuckles]

♪ But I'll still sing
for my gays ♪

-No.
-Word, b*tch.

-That was great.
Give it up for you.
-Hold on. Wait!

-No, that's it. Is it?
-[crowd booing]

Keep the hag.

-[crowd] Keep the hag.
Keep the hag.
-Hey, be nice!

Do not call her hag.
She's my friend.

Stop with the misogyny.

A white woman with red hair.
Do you know how hard she had it?

-Time to go. Goodbye. Goodbye.
-I love you, baby.

-Give it up for Gwen. Gwen.
-[crowd cheering]

Somebody gave me Ketamine.

-I don't know what that is.
-[laughs]

We're here tonight
to celebrate a man.

A myth, some would say.

Maybe a legend.
Evan Marquez, our Latinx queen.

[crowd cheering]

Evan's my hero!

You know, people will
tell you in this life,

they'll say, "You can't.
You can't be g*y."

-Nobody says that.
-They say that. They say that.

-Okay.
-The point is

-we're here to celebrate you.
-[person] Mm-hmm.

All of you.

I'm gonna celebrate Evan
right now with all of me.

-[crowd chuckling] Oh.
-Hit it.

-[crowd gasps]
-[♪ "Fade Into You" playing]

[Malcolm] Oh, yeah. It's
getting sad and sexual here.

Whoo-hoo!

g*y pride.

You know what's coming?

Something really hot.

♪ I wanna hold
the hand inside-- ♪

sh*t.

It was supposed to be
a whipped cream reveal

but it got smooshed in
the jacket. But it looked
good before.

♪ I wanna hold the hand
that's true ♪

Still good though, right?

I'm not going up there.

-♪ I look to you
and I see nothing ♪
-♪ Nothing ♪

-Come on.
-Do it yourself.

No, you can come up with me.

-Get up there, Evan.
-[Malcolm] Oh, Come on. Come on.

Okay.

♪ In shadows ♪

Loser.

Loser!

-[laughs]
-[crowd cheering]

♪ Some kind of light
into your darkness ♪

Harry. Harry, come up with me.

This is another teacher. Harry.

♪ I wanna... ♪

[mumbling]

-We-We've been rehearsing
this for weeks.
-Weeks now.

-You know this one, right?
-[Harry] The chorus.

-You cool with this?
-[Malcolm, Harry singing]

Both your guys up there
getting steamy?

Neither of them are my guys.

They're my friends. It's fine.

If I've learned nothing else
in your world,

it's that there's no such thing
as just friends.

-What does that mean?
-You know what I mean.

Come on, man. I see...
I see the way you look at Harry.

I see the way he looks at you.
You guys got chemistry.

It's fine. I'm not a jealous
guy. They can do what they want.

Look, dude. When you
look at him, it reminds me
of how I look at Gwen.

-And vice versa.
-[singing continues]

What?

Come on, you don't have
to be naive or pretend
like you don't see it.

There's definitely something
brewing between her and I.

With you and Gwen?

She said it by the bathroom.
"I love you, Markie."
What was all that?

-Markie.
-What?

[stammers] Look,
I suffer in silence 'cause I
don't wanna be a home-wrecker.

[stammers] I'm sorry.
This is such new information.

I mean, you wouldn't
be a home-wrecker. She-She
broke up with Nick tonight.

Who? They what?

-Gwen and Nick broke up.
-Oh, my God, dude. Toni--

It's a full moon, brother.
Tonight's our night.

It's a night you and I
go after the ones we love.

[song continues]

[both] ♪ Fade into you ♪

♪ Strange we never knew ♪

Get up there, Evan.

Get up there and plant your flag
in front of God and all these
g*y dudes.

[distorted] Get up there
and mark your territory...

-[voice fades]
-[♪ "Nirvana" playing]

♪ Red lights and the feeling
That I needed you ♪

♪ Ooh, you love me
right in Nirvana ♪

♪ So fast ♪

♪ You're the best part
of a sad song ♪

♪ You got me all out of breath ♪

Yes. Yes. Yes.

♪ And I've been running... ♪

Oh. So you're, like,
in love with me now?

Yeah. I think that's
a possibility.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-[applause]
-[crowd cheering]

♪ Fade into you ♪

Evan.

I meant the other guy, dude.

Come on.

[Gwen] ♪ Gotta fade into... ♪

Doofus.

[Gwen] ♪ ...your darkness ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Don't lay down.
That's when the spins start.

-Hello?
- Be right with you.
One moment please.

Okay. Rude.

Evan, I'm proud of you.

You knew Malcolm was no longer
faculty, so good for you.

You kissed the right guy.

That's not why
I kissed him, Grant.

I'm not gonna live my life
by those rules anymore.

It should have been Harry.
Seriously.

I said it to you, man.
Chemistry is off the charts.

He should've kissed both
of them thangs.

Yeah. No. Harry is great.

But you know, Malcolm
is Malcolm, and he has
a special place in my heart.

And the heart wants
what it wants, you know.

I miss the g*y bar.

-[Grant] Hmm.
-You might just miss
the poppers.

I miss the poppers.

Wait, where is Malcolm?

That waiter, Daniel,
invited him to an orgy.

-Unbelievable.
-Whatever. Whatever.

I accept him for who he is.

-You gotta let people be
who they are.
-Whoa.

[Markie] And that's
the only relationship
advice worth a damn.

-Yes.
-That is actually, like,
so true.

Gwen, your voice
was amazing tonight.

You were like a--
You were a songbird.

A true songbird.

[clicks tongue]
I didn't sing at the bar, did I?

Mmm.

[laughs] That is damn good.

I haven't had one of these
in probably, I don't know,


My wife forbids it.

[chuckling] Oh. Bad boy.
[chuckles]

Just tonight.

It's a special night.

Why is it special?

Just feels special.

Aw.

And it's your birthday.

-Hey.
-[Rick cheers]

-[Malcolm] Hey, teachers.
-Look at this funky guy.

-I thought you went to the orgy.
-I went. It was good.

That waiter is so f*cking
annoying, but he gives an
almost academic blow job.

Apartment or warehouse?

Um, Home Depot stockroom.

-[Evan, Grant] Hmm.
-[chuckles]

Stocking up on c*ck.

[chuckling] Oh.
Look at these two lovebirds.

We had a really nice, long talk

and we are back together.

-[Rick, Evan] Aw.
-[Malcolm] That's amazing.

[Gwen] And you know why?

It's because Markie, you said
something so awesome in the car.

You said, "You gotta let people
be who they are."

-[Evan] Aw.
-[Malcolm] Oh.

-That's cute.
-[Gwen] Yeah.

Thanks, Markie,
for what you said.

All right, just gonna announce
something real quick.

This pool, guys, is almost done.

I mean, it's almost ready.

But the water in it
looks like dirty sink water.

You shouldn't go in.
The filter has to be
up and running before--

Exactly.

So it's not ready
is what you're saying.

-But show them the jets.
-Okay. Okay.

-I would love to see the jets.
-Let's see the jets.

-Got it on Bluetooth here.
-Bluetooth?

-Okay--
-Watch this sh*t.

Three, two, one.

[metal creaking]

-[Gwen] Oh, my God!
-Oh. It's the main pipe!

[Grant] No. Not on the burger.

-[Gwen] I'm shutting it down!
-[chuckling]

This is kind of...

-Kinda boyfy-boyfy?
-A little bit.

[♪ "Kissing In
Swimming Pools" playing]

♪ I could repair you so gently ♪

♪ So, can we kiss
in your swimming pool? ♪

♪ In this bathing suit
I would die for you ♪

♪ Maybe I don't have
to leave so soon ♪

♪ You look heavenly
In this shade of blue ♪

♪ We don't have
to complicate it ♪

♪ I just wanna
be alone with you ♪

♪ I just wanna
be alone with you ♪

[song fades out]