01x07 - Convention

[bunniefuu]

["Just What I Needed" playing]

- ♪ I don't mind you comin' here ♪
- [grunting]

♪ Wastin' all my time ♪

Here. Why? Why?

- God! f*cking buttons.
- ♪ I don't mind you hangin' out ♪

♪ And talkin' in your sleep ♪

♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪

[Evan] Siri, text Malcolm.

Hey, Malcolm, comma.

I'm at this fun teachers' conference thing
in Dallas, comma.

You should come, period.

I have a hotel room with a view of, like,
the parking lot. LOL, period.

Obviously, we can have sex
and stuff too, period.

[song ends]

Hi.

- Yo.
- [Rick] Hey.

[Evan] Dallas Teachers
and Learning Conference.

- [Markie] Coming in.
- [Gwendolyn] Hey. Hi.

- It's the most fun weekend of the year.
- [Markie] Coming in.

- Free hotel, free continental breakfast.
- Oh.

Everybody saying
teachers are the real heroes.

You wanna meet a real hero,
get rescued by the SWAT team.

How would I get in a situation
to get rescued by the SWAT team?

- I have to drive my car off a bridge?
- Right.

What does the SWAT team do?
They k*ll people?

Oh, there he is.
You excited for your speech tomorrow?

[Grant] Yeah. I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Grant speech!
- [Gwendolyn] So good. His big speech.

It is so bad. He has jokes in there
that are so not funny. Look at this.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice,
'I'll teach math.'" Oh, my God.

[Gwendolyn] And he says,
"Hold for ha ha ha."

We gotta do some punch ups.

[speaker 1] Hello, everyone.

It's been a very hard start
to the year in fiscal terms.

And I'll be blunt, when it comes
to the teachers pension fund,

we're approaching what I
would generously call worst-case scenario.

Damn, girl.

Thank God I don't have to worry
about that pension sh*t.

I got my money doing other things,
if you know what I mean.

You know, you still have a pension.
It happens automatically.

Shut up, dude.

[speaker 2] Post-COVID, 20% to 25%
of students are, in a sense, hopeless.

[Evan scoffs, groans]

So, yes, we are starting to encourage
teachers to get a second full-time job.

A second full-time job?

Teachers can now be sued
by their students.

And here's why that's bad.

Damn.

Students are striking teachers either
with their fists or blunt objects 30%...

Is it all bad news this year?

[Rick] There's a f*cking viral video
of one of these kids beating my a*s.

This is so depressing.

I feel like teaching is just over.
Did we choose a dying profession?

No, I think a dying profession chose us.

[Rick] Hey, yo, you guys gotta meet Mitch.

Get this. He might be our new
coworker soon. He likes football.

- [Evan] Exciting.
- Cool.

- Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. That's so exciting.

What did you interview for?

For new PE teacher and athletic director.

The new PE teacher?

Yeah, I met with, um, Grant Mariachi?

- Principal Moretti.
- Grant Moretti.

Grant Moretti, yeah. It went really well.

Wait. But did you interview to be

an additional PE teacher
or to replace the one that's there?

Replacement, replacement.

[Markie] Arms up.
Right in the middle, right?

Now you got the ball, right? Secure it.

- Whoa. Here.
- Take our spots in line.

Oh, sick. Told you these guys rock.

- Beer or tequila? Yes!
- Both.

- [Gwendolyn] It's insane.
- [Evan] So sad.

Really hope this is not the case.

- Grant.
- Oh, f*ck.

[knocking]

Yes?

- [Evan] Hey.
- Are you firing Markie?

That's complex.

Wait, you're already in a robe?

Yes, yes. When I check into a hotel,
I get into my robe immediately.

One of life's little pleasures.

Plus, I got the room upgrade.
So, there's a steam shower in there.

- Thank you.
- Wait. Are you firing Markie or not?

[sighs]

There are certain things
that my job requires me to do

that I might not necessarily want to do.

You're firing Markie.

- Oh, my God. Holy sh*t.
- [Grant] Oh, God.

Gwendolyn, Evan,

let's not make this any more complicated
than it already is, all right?

The end.
Now, can you leave me alone, please?

Wait. We had a couple thoughts
about your speech.

Oh. All right. What are those thoughts?

Some of the jokes are bad or...

No, no, no, no,
I'm not doing this right now. No, thanks.

- But if we just help you...
- I'm having robe time.

We'll talk about this at dinner. Goodbye.

What do you think happens
during robe time?

Probably watches Extra with Mario Lopez.

Grant was acting so weird.

I know. He's acting like
he's hiding a hooker.

- Evan? Holy sh*t.
- Oh, my God. Pasha.

- Dude, how are you?
- Talk about a blast from the past.

This is Pasha. This is one
of my best friends from college.

- Hi. What's up?
- Nice to meet you.

- You're here with what? Sourcely?
- Yeah, we...

we bang off, like,
ten of these things a year.

- Whoa.
- What does, uh, Sourcely do?

There's, like,
a giant market for unused grid power.

And so what we do
is corporate-side energy arbitrage.

- Mmm. Yeah, yeah.
- So, we work with like,

municipalities, commercial real estate,
even some residential.

- Oh, yeah, for sure.
- Yeah.

Five to seven years someone's going
to come out on top of this sector.

- Might as well be us.
- Exactly.

- [Gwendolyn] Exactly. Yeah.
- Yeah. [clears throat]

Wait, wait. Is this wifey?

[laughs] No, I'm still g*y.
This is Gwen, my best friend.

- You haven't converted him yet.
- Best friend.

[laughs] I'm trying.
I'm trying to get him in the sack.

- Uh, I love that.
- Yeah. We work together.

We're, um... We're teachers.

- Oh, nice.
- [Gwendolyn] We're teachers.

Teachers? Well, I gotta say,
you guys are the real heroes.

Thank you.

Hey, listen, I gotta peace out,
but let's link tonight.

Yeah, let's hang out.

- You want some swag bags?
- [Gwendolyn] Hell yeah.

- [Evan] Really?
- Yeah.

- I love swag bags. We don't get swag bags.
- Oh, my God.

[Evan] All right, cool.

Listen, I'll message you,
and we'll hang tonight.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's let it rip.

Wow. I can't picture you guys
being friends. He's so business-y.

He does this thing when he's drunk.
He just shows you his d*ck. It's like...

Oh, you love that.

[speaker 3] If you decrease the amount
of education being administered,

you'll also be decreasing burnout.

And isn't that, after all,
what we're all trying to do?

How often do you go up to Grant

and, like, tell him that
you appreciate him as a boss?

- Why?
- Good vibes, job security, whatever.

Grant would never have the ba*ls
to fire me. Dude's a coward.

You remember the chem teacher,
Ms. Davidson?

She missed, like,
three months last year. Kept her job.

She was on maternity leave.

[Rick] Have you guys seen her baby?
It's so tall. Freaks me out.

I had to block her on Instagram.
It looks like Slender Man.

[speaker 3] Now I'll take any questions
you may have about student burnout.

What is going on? These seminars
are bumming me out, man.

Mmm. This chicken piccata is flames. Foof!

I have to order another. Hey, papi.

You're gonna get another one?

You shouldn't even eat that one.
It looks undercooked.

I asked for it that way.

Chicken's like salmon. You want
the pink part to be room temp, hon.

Okay, hon.

Grant, these jokes.

"Teachers lounge.
Yeah, they sure do." What?

[Gwendolyn] It's in there,
like, four times.

It's called a callback.

Call back that joke.

Evan, Gwendolyn, I know my audience.
I know what I'm doing.

If you don't wanna rework the jokes,
maybe we can cut them.

It doesn't have to be
like a comedy speech.

No, he doesn't have to lose the jokes
if he's willing to lose the entire speech.

- It's like a page one rewrite at best.
- Markie.

I mean, he means, like, yeah,
there's still time to polish it.

He's saying it can be good.
It has potential to be good.

Yeah, polish this part about
how you love driving through car washes.

Mm-hmm.

What does that have to do
with being a principal?

I get to it at the end.
Just read on, read on.

I mean, this reads like you can't read.

Like you assigned a bunch of kids
in detention to write it for you.

Wait.

My cousin created
his own version of ChatGPT

to write a more f*cked-up version
of Breaking Bad, dude.

You can use that for your speech.

That's it. I'm... I'm done eating.
Thank you very much. [groans]

- Thank you very much.
- [Evan] Grant.

I mean, what's he gonna do?
Fire me? [chuckles]

[sighs]

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

- Hey, queen. What's up?
- [shouts] Oh, my God.

- Whoa, Malcolm. I forgot I invited you.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Okay, thank you.

Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.

We had this crazy day where we were, like,
we were at all these seminars.

And, like, every seminar is, like,

"This is why teaching
is worse than it's ever been.

And here's how to deal with
your students hitting you."

And it was like, oh, my God.

- Oh, no.
- What?

I came here to f*ck
and order room service.

I drove, like, three hours.

And now you're talking about, "Am I living
the life I'm supposed to live?" Like...

[whining]

No, but I'm serious.
Like, just talk to me for a second, okay?

Do you really think I should be a teacher?

Like, is it worth it?

Am I like that guy
pushing the boulder up the hill?

- What's his name?
- Robert?

[Polly] Question eight.

Name the five types of proteins
available on the Chipotle menu.

- Okay, lamb.
- Immediately no.

What was the question to number three?

We wrote James Madison and then
crossed it out and put Run-D.M.C.

That can't be right.

[Markie] You should come down
to the batting cages, man.

I know the guy there. He'll let me
unplug the machine. I can just...

And then I would just...
[mimics bat hitting ball]

[Markie laughs] Socking dingers all day!

This is so crazy. He's, like, talking to
his replacement and he doesn't even know.

Oh, my God.
We have to do something about it.

He's gonna figure this out later
and be like, "You guys didn't tell me."

I don't wanna be the one to tell him.

Me neither. I feel like that's kind of
a job for Grant, if we're gonna be honest.

- He's the principal.
- He's the principal.

Okay, good. It was good
working through that with you.

[Polly] Next question. What is a duel...

- [Gwendolyn] Who you texting?
- That guy Pasha.

Pasha? Who's that?

You know that company
Sourcely he works for?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

They're doing some huge party.
Look, light-up dance floor.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna sneak out and go.
You guys stay here.

Yeah, we'll come with you.
Let's go to a party.

- Yeah. I would love to.
- This trivia is impossible.

Your mom still in the picture?

We don't talk much, you know, but...

Markie, we're going to a party.
Come with us.

h*s before bros.

- [both laugh]
- [Mitch] I love you.

[Markie] I'm so glad we met.
I'ma text you.

All right. Later, losers. We're going
to party with rich people. Ha!

["The Touch of Love" playing]

♪ We got the touch of love ♪

[Pasha laughs] Ring a ding-ding.
There he is. The king has arrived.

[both laugh]

All right. Hey, Dan, Eileen,
come over here. Meet my boy Evan.

- [Eileen] Hi.
- What's up, man? Dan.

Yeah, this guy was such a legend
back in college.

Let me tell you,
when Spring Fling got canceled,

he single-handedly found
this sick-a*s warehouse

and convinced Passion Pit
to perform for free.

- Passion Pit?
- Yeah, that was crazy.

I can't believe
they slept on my nasty couch.

- [Dan, Eileen laugh]
- Damn. That couch sounds nasty.

Yuck.

This is Rick, guys.
Sorry, we work together.

- [Eileen] Hey.
- Hey. Dan.

I just wanna say

I indubitably love what you guys are doing
in terms of solar and those such things.

- [chuckles] Wow, bro.
- [Dan] Thank you. Great.

- Well, indu-indubitably thank you.
- [all laugh]

Yeah, but what you guys do,
honestly, like, teaching and sh*t?

- I mean, that is so noble.
- [Dan] So freaking noble.

[Pasha] You know,
we need badass educators like you

to teach the next gen to think critically

- 'cause there's so much disinfo out there.
- Preach.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

Mostly I feel like my job is
telling kids to put their phones away.

[laughing]

Whereas, I am in more...
That school stuff is a side hustle.

I'm more of
a successful business consultant.

- Oh.
- You wanna go grab a drink?

Oh, yeah. Let's do it. I'm empty.

Tell me a little more about this, uh,
business card.

"Businessman extraordinaire, CEO."

You put "b*tch" on there.

Yeah, we keep it weird in Austin.
[chuckles]

Do you guys ever go to the mall?

I got four dogs. Four dog walkers.

- Wow.
- Plus, my boss lets me work at home a ton.

My new home office is sick.

You bought a house?

Yeah, I bought it last fall.

- In cash. [laughs]
- [sighs]

The dream, man.

I haven't even been able to think
about buying a house, honestly.

Can barely get enough money scraped up
to even put anything in my savings.

Everybody's always judging capitalism.

And it's, like, well,
what are you gonna do? Die poor?

No, it's disgusting.

You know, we need good people at Sourcely.

[chuckles] That's so nice. Thanks.

No, I don't... I mean, I wouldn't know
anything about solar municipal arbi...

- What is it? Arbitration?
- [chuckles] Arbitrage.

Yeah. Who cares?

All you have to do is know
about people, and you know people.

You just say the word, and we can start
having this conversation for real.

[Rick] We need to get one
of these tubs at the school.

We can't afford pencils, Rick.
We're not gonna get a hot tub.

"Uh, can't afford pencils."

[chuckles]

What's up with you? You good?

I don't know. [laughs]

You guys ever think
about what your life would be like

if you did something
completely different for work?

- Dude, yes.
- Oh, go to one fancy party

and all of a sudden you're questioning
your whole life, huh?

[chuckles] It's all fool's gold, boys.

Fool's gold is still gold.

[Gwendolyn] What would you do if you
suddenly had, like, a ton of free time?

[panting] Like so much.

Probably get back into fighting shape.

- That's cool.
- [Markie] Yeah.

- Why?
- [Gwendolyn] No reason.

Will you come over here?
I feel like I'm shouting at you.

I'm in. No, I'm in. This is... I'm fine.

What? Are you afraid? You can't swim?

[chuckles] Who told you that?

What?

I can't swim.

Oh, wait. No, I was kidding.
Are you serious?

It's not something I'm proud of, okay?

Wait, but you coach the swim team.

I know. It's, like, it's a different
skill set entirely, all right?

You don't see Belichick out there

running routes
and wearing pads and whatnot.

Look... It would mean a lot
if you just kept this between us.

- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Maybe I can teach you

once Nick finishes building the pool
at our house.

I would love that.

Do you think it's normal for, like,
an unemployed man

to be spending all of his time
digging a pool by hand?

What does normal even mean these days?

I don't think it's normal at all.

Sorry. I've never said that out loud.
So just don't...

- No, no. Hey.
- ...tell anybody that I said that.

You could tell me pretty much anything
at this point. I'm a vault.

All I'm saying is there's a reason
you guys ended up in this profession.

The only reason I'm a guidance counselor
is because when I was in high school,

my guidance counselor asked
what I wanted to do for a living.

I couldn't think of anything,
so I just said guidance counselor.

[Evan] Hmm.

[Rick] Then I had to go
get my damn master's.

It was four years of my life.

I don't want to make it seem
like I don't love teaching.

Like, I love teaching so much.

It's the meaning of my life.

I just feel like it's getting harder,
isn't it?

Of course it is.

These kids, they're... they're...

I don't know. COVID did something, man.

Got everybody dead.

I can't get classes in line.

Kids are making up diseases.

They're hooking up everywhere.

Do you think it'll be any easier
when you are doing anything else?

You'll always be meeting with hurdles.

People you don't like working with.

Remember what's important.

The love of what you do,

the people that surround you,
the people that support you.

Good people make good teachers.

And, Evan, you are good people.

Good people are good teachers.

That's your speech.
That's what you should say.

I'm done with your advice.

I'm sticking with the original speech
as written, and that's final.

- [alarm rings]
- All right, y'all, that's 30 minutes.

We gotta get out now or we'll die.
Come on.

- Wakey, wakey.
- Oh, my God.

- Wake up.
- Malcolm, oh, my God.

It's a beautiful day here
in Dallas, Texas.

- We have a clear sky today.
- Oh, my God.

- Come on.
- It's so early.

I have a good itinerary for us today.

We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza
and see where JFK got his sh*t rocked.

I can't go to Dealey Plaza, Malcolm.

I'm gonna have to, like,
do conference stuff.

- I'm at a teachers' conference.
- Ew. Why?

What are you talking about?
I'm not on vacation.

This is like a work event.

Then why am I here?

Girl, I don't know. Why are you here?

Are you kidding? Are you actually kidding?

I did not mean it like that.
I just mean, like...

Don't make me feel stupid.
You invited me. Remember?

I feel like we've had this conversation,
like, 50 times before.

You can't just, like,
do everything your way all the time.

You have to consider me.

Yes, but, Malcolm, that is something
that boyfriends say to each other,

and need I remind you
that we are not boyfriends.

There is a variety of reasons for that.

But remember that there have been
many times when I wanted to get back

into this relationship when you did not
want to get back into this relationship.

Okay, yeah. Like one time
in random-a*s 2022 I rejected you.

So you get to be an as*h*le to me forever.

That's how it works? Okay.

Who the f*ck is the one that
drove here to Dallas for you?

- I did that.
- You know what?

This conversation is over
because we are just gonna be friends now.

We're gonna be friends who do not f*ck.

Because I am tired of these confusing

lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes.

"Boyfy-boyfy"... Ew.

Ew.

Whatever. You're right. You're right.

But don't expect me to drive you
to urgent care at 3:00 a.m.

because you think you have
full body cancer.

I won't because we're just friends.

Perfect.

I love that.

[Gwendolyn]
Evan, are you tipping the maid?

Oh, hey, Malcolm.

Hey, Gwen.

Why does it feel weird in here?

You guys mad at me?

- [Pasha] Ev.
- Yo!

What's up my brother from another mother?

[Evan] How's it going?

We missed you last night, man.

[sighs] The after-party was insane.

We ended up at this total dive bar
that's, like, brand-new.

Hell yeah.
Yeah. This brunch is so nice, man.

Right? Everything is top-notch here.
That's not prosecco, that's champagne.

- [laughs] Seafood towers, all organic.
- Wow.

Actually, most of that seafood's
out of the Indian Ocean.

- So decadent.
- Yeah.

Come on, Evan. I mean, you're here.
You showed up.

What is this? Be real. Come on.

You wanna work at Sourcely.

I'm... I'm open to it. [chuckles]

- You open? f*ck yes. [laughs]
- I'm not... I'm not committing.

- Okay. Well, Evan, I am so pumped.
- I'm just saying I'm open to it.

Your whole life is gonna change.
This is gonna be great.

[Rick] I tried opening a loan
with my bank...

Oh, Rick is here.

My Discover card
used to have a picture of a wolf,

but now it has a picture of two horses.

- [Rick, Eileen laugh]
- [Pasha] Yeah.

[chuckles] Dan, uh, invited him over
to pitch a couple of his...

[clears throat] ..."business ideas."

[laughs] Yeah, it's cool
that you're nice to him.

Obviously, he's got
a couple of screws loose. [laughs]

- You guys are making fun of him?
- No, I'm just...

You brought my friend here
to make fun of him?

Well... [scoffs] No. I...

- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- Evan, come on.

So it's basically like DoorDash,
except you're hiring someone

to hang out with your weird
and lonely grandma.

Oh, yeah. Our investment team
is gonna love that. [laughs]

- Sorry. What is this?
- Rick's pitching us...

What's it called again?

Granny Grabber.

[chuckles] Why is it called that?

Because you're grabbing
your granny's heart.

[laughing]

What's funny?

You guys know Rick has a real f*cking job.

He's a college counselor.
He helps kids get into college.

What do you guys do here again
at "Sourcely"?

Evan, I already told you, man.
Energy arbitrage.

That's not a real thing.

Nobody's ever heard of energy arbitrage.

That's the most conceptual thing
I've ever heard of. That's not a real job.

- We're leaving, Rick. Come on.
- What are you doing to me?

Come on.
And you act g*y when you're drunk!

[Rick] Hey! I'm not done pitching.

Wait. I never actually got to try one
of these shrimps,

- so I'm gonna just take them all.
- [Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan.

Hey, come on, we shipped those clams in.

Rick, I want you to know
you're cooler than all those people.

[Rick] Yeah. No sh*t.

That's the most obvious sh*t ever.

[speaker] Let's give a warm welcome
to one of our keynote speakers.

From Morrison-Hensley,
Principal Grant Moretti.

- Whoo!
- [applauding]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hi. Oh, my God. You're in time.

Seafood tower?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

I recall a story having met

a very young teacher
from Austria named Arnold.

And I asked him,
"What would you want to teach?"

After long, long consideration,

Arnold finally raises his hand
and answers,

[Schwarzenegger voice] "I'll teach math."

[audience laughing]

[clapping]

Now you may not realize this about me,

but I love to drive through the car wash.

[audience chuckling]

I mean, there's nothing like the freedom

of ten minutes alone
in the tunnel of suds.

[laughing]

- You guys, he's, like... He's k*lling.
- I know. He knows his audience.

I knew he would do fine.

Some of the most fulfilling
and the greatest relationships I have

are with the teachers
who I consider my friends.

Good people make good teachers,
and let's never forget that.

- You should say something.
- You tell him.

Y'all ever see these videos of kids
trying lemons for the first time?

- Hey, Markie.
- Hmm?

We wanted to talk to you
about this concerning thing we heard

about your employment at school.

You heard rumors
that I'm thinking about leaving Morrison?

Something like that.

- In a sense, yeah.
- [Markie] Well,

sounds to me
like my strategy is working. [sighs]

Your strategy?

- I never told you guys about this?
- [Evan] No.

Every year, I pretend to quit.

Walk in Grant's office,
tell him I got a new job offer...

[chuckles] ...but I don't, and it just
makes him appreciate me more.

What? That's the craziest
f*cking thing I've ever heard.

The thing is the poor guy doesn't even
realize how much he's being manipulated.

I gotta hit the road, y'all.
I'm gonna stop and visit my nana.

Oh! Sweetie.

Yeah, she owes me, like, 400 bucks.

Later, y'all.

Look, if we leave
within the next ten minutes,

we'll beat the heck out of traffic.

- [Evan] Grant, how much did you pack?
- Just everything I need.

Hey, Grant. Don't replace Markie, okay?

Because he doesn't have a job offer.
He's messing with you.

- He's literally lying about it.
- Well, I know that.

- [Evan] You do?
- Of course I do.

Every year he pretends to quit.

So every year, I pretend to look
for his replacement.

- It's this little dance we do.
- That is so toxic.

- We were worried sick all weekend.
- [Gwendolyn] I mean, it was...

[Evan] Rick, why are you wearing
all that Sourcely gear?

Those people were making fun of you.

Dude. No, that's just how
we joke around, buddy.

I'm pretty sure
they were making fun of you.

Oh, my God, you look like Neo.

I'll see you guys.

Yo, Mitch! What's up, player?

Rick, not too far.
We're leaving right now.

[Gwendolyn] You know, that Pasha guy
sent me a picture of his a*s.

[Evan] Let me see.

- ♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
- ♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪ I needed someone to feed ♪

- ♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
- ♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ So bleed me ♪

♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪ Hey, you're just what I needed ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪