03x06 - The Ballad of Mandy Carter

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without
taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

Will this take long?

Mandy, a position has become
available that I know

for a fact you'll be interested in.

Doubt it, mate.

Quality control at the local biscuit
factory.

You're kidding?!

I know - your dream job.

So, shall I give them a ring?

Duh! Yes.

Next!

Mandy Carter?
- Yeah.

Yeah, take a seat. Thanks.

So, you're here for the biscuit taster
job?

Yeah. I love biscuits.

Yeah, well, if you get the job,
you'll hate them by next week.

I doubt that very much.

Can I ask exactly what the job
entails?

We manufacture 75,000 biscuits every
single day.

Your job, Mandy, would be to test one
in every 300

for taste and texture.

If that biscuit satisfies your taste
buds,

you can let another 300 go through.

That's it?

That's it.

Never wanted a job more.

I feel like my whole life's been
leading up to this.

Are you all right?

I was going to retire soon.

I spent my whole life thinking about
biscuits.

What a waste.

Look, Mandy, this job...

..is not for everyone!

It can get quite...

..dull!

You'll hate the taste of biscuits!

You'll reek of bourbons!

Just the sight of a custard cream...

..will make you throw up.

Are you still interested?

Absolutely.

Here's your clipboard.

- What do I do with this?
- Well, you just hold it.

Makes you look efficient.

Right, every 300th biscuit, you taste
it,

and make a mark here.

Now - this is the most important thing

if you taste a biscuit that tastes
off,

then you press this immediately.

The entire production line is stopped,

and the person who made that biscuit

is taken out and shot.
- Fair enough.

Do I get to take the broken ones home
with me?

No, no, no. We take the theft of
biscuits -

intact or broken - very seriously
here.

It would result in your instant
dismissal.

OK, let's make biscuits.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, oh... Argh!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, argh, argh...!

Oh!

sh*t! Uh! Ow!

Ow!

Agh!

Oh! Agh!

Oh...!

Argh!

Oh...

Agh!

I'm not slacking, honestly!

I just popped out for some fresh air!

They take biscuit theft very
seriously.

I can't believe he had the audacity
to sack me.

If it wasn't for the biscuits breaking
my fall,

I wouldn't be here now.

Well, yeah, that does seem unfair.

It does mean it's going to be very
hard for me to find something else

for you, though, because the biscuit
people are refusing

to give you a reference.

This is about all I have.

Go along, and they'll show you the
ropes.

Oh, great!

Maybe give your face a wipe.

Maybe wash your f*cking ba*ls, mate.

Hiya!

Sorry I'm late.

- First day, is it?
- Yeah, I'm right excited.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

OK, well I'll show you around
quickly,

and then I'll get you started with
your g*n.

Oh.

For a minute, I thought you said g*n!

What went wrong at the abattoir,
Mandy?

What went wrong?

What went f*cking wrong?

I had to k*ll cows, didn't I?

What did you think you had to do,
bake them a cake?

It's an abattoir - Bliss
Slaughterhouse - you knew that.

Slaughterhouse? I thought...

I thought it was Bliss Laughter House!

I thought it was some sort of comedy
club.

I thought it was going to be a laugh.

Instead it was just mindless k*lling.
- Well, yeah.

I didn't know there'd be cows in
there, all lined up!

Where do you think beef burgers came
from, Mandy?

I don't know! I just thought they
were, like, meaty brown discs.

I just never put two and two together
before.

I'm never touching meat again.

Morrissey was right - about that, at
least.

You don't need to eat meat, not when
we've got Linda McCartney stuff.

OK, can we get back to why you're
here, please?

Yeah, why am I here?

I only ever seem to get these terrible
jobs.

That's not true. They're not all
terrible.

We found you a job with a nature
documentary last year.

You're not meant to step in.

- Yeah, and what did you do?
- Stepped in.

I just couldn't stand by and watch a
defenceless rabbit

get ripped to shreds.

- It's nature, Mandy. That...
- Yeah?

Well, I feel like that rabbit.

When's someone going to boot the eagle
off my back, eh?

Why do I only get these terrible jobs?

When am I going to be the factory
owner?

When am I going to be the boss?

When am I going to be the chairman of
the Bank of England,

or the head of ICI?

I mean, am I stupid or something? Is
that my destiny?

Is it cos I'm an idiot?

I never seem to get anywhere, however
much I try.

Look, Mandy, it's not that you're...

..stupid, per se.

It's just that you don't move in the
right circles.

You know, a lot of these big jobs, you
know what they say -

it's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you
know.

I don't know anyone.

Except Lola, and she only knows me.

OK.

Just go home, put your feet up.

And we'll find you something new on
Monday, OK?

There, there, there.

There, there.

"It's not what you know, it's who
you know"!

Have you ever heard anyone say that,
Lola?

No.

- No! You see, we don't even know
the people that say that! - Yeah...

Oh, God!

I don't know the right people, or even
the wrong people.

I'm never going to be anyone
important!

Who wants to...?

Huh...

Who wants...?

Ha...

Who wants to be someone important?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, well, I've decided!

I'm going to... I'm going to make
something of me life.

I've been letting life roll over me
for too long!

Well, what are you going to do?

I'm going to have a party.

And I... I'm going to invite all the
local celebrities

and dignitaries that I can think of.

You-you know, like... Like Jeffery
Archer did.

You know? And he's done all right for
himself.

- That's a great idea, Mandy.
- Yeah.

Did you write to your local
dignitaries?

Yeah, I invited the local mayor,

the manager of Fitness First,

the lollipop lady, the local vicar.

Some celebrities, like, uh...

..Linda Lusardi, Alan Yentob, Shirley
Bassey.

Now it's just a matter of getting some
food and wine, and waiting.

Roll on Thursday.

Shirley Bassey!

Can I come, Mandy?

OK, but keep it to yourself.

Don't want any paparazzi or
gate-crashers.

My lips are sealed.

And don't make this all about you,
Lol.

This is Mandy Carter's night.

I'm nervous. Are you?
- Mm.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! Someone's at the door.

Someone - who is a someone - has come
to my party.

Who are you?

We're Shirley Bassey fans.

Is she here?

No, she's not, and she's not going
turn up if she sees you lot here.

Go on, shoo!

Go on!

Who was it?

- It were a load of Shirley Bassey fans.
- Ah...

They are such a pain.

Word must have got out.

You didn't tell anyone about this
party, did you, Lol?

No.

Of course not.

I was really hoping Shirley Bassey
would show up.

Oh, I didn't need her stealing my
thunder.

She's still very glamorous.

Oh, stop going on about her!

You really don't think she's going
to come?

Course she's not coming, Lola.

Nobody important's coming.

You know why?

Because I'm a nobody.

And what a fool to believe that just
for one night...

..just one f*cking night...

..I could be a somebody...!

I'm at my lowest egg.

Talking about eggs - what are you
going to do with all of this food?

I'm going to chuck it in the
rubbish, Lola,

Then I'm going to throw myself in the
rubbish.

Because no matter how hard I try,
everything turns out rubbish!

I don't know why I bother!

Because I can take one of those
quiches with me.

They freeze very well.

I did a mad thing, Lola.

I had hope.

I hoped that, just once...

..something good would happen to Mandy
Carter.

I hoped that Dame Shirley Bassey OBE
would come to my house,

and tell me how she did it.

How she got out of the back streets of
Tiger Prawn Bay

and made a success of her life.

I think her powerful yet soulful
singing voice

had a lot to do with it.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?!

Nothing matters now!

The party's over, Lola.

The party's over!

Go on.

You lot can f*ck off, an' all.

Yentob, Lusardi - go on, off you piss.

Well, I'm not bothered.

I'm going for drinks with Vicki
Michelle later anyway.

Suppose I'll have to see what
f*cking Bono is up to again.

Hi, Bono.

Don't bother coming over. This place
is dead.

Yes, she's here.

Yeah, she... Yeah, she's still fit.

Go on, Lola.

Well, if you're going to be like
that.

I'll see you tomorrow at the salon?

No, Lola.

You won't see me again.

Are you sure I can't take one of
these quiches?

Oh, take it!

Uh, actually, I think I prefer the
cheese and bacon one.

Oh, just get out!

Oh!

Oh...

Oh...

This Is My Life by Shirley
Bassey

♪ Funny how a lonely day can make a
person say

♪ What good is my life?

♪ Funny how a breaking heart can make
me start to say

♪ What good is my life?

♪ Funny how I often seem to think I'll
find another dream

♪ In my life

♪ Till I look around and see this
great big world is part of me

♪ And my life

♪ This is my life

♪ Today, tomorrow, love will come and
find me

♪ But that's the way that I was born
to be

♪ This is me

♪ This is me... ♪

DOORBELL RINGS

Who the f*ck is this now?

Big Spender by Shirley Bassey

f*ck me, it's Bassey.

♪ The minute you walked in the joint

♪ I could see you were a man of
distinction

♪ A real big spender... ♪

I'm here for the party. I brought
some food.

We get to keep anything not sold after
a month.

I'm vegetarian now!

♪ Good looking, so refined

♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?

♪ So let me get right to the point

♪ I don't pop my cork for every man I
see

♪ Hey, big spender

♪ Spend

♪ A little time with me. ♪