03x04 - The Career Ladder

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy Well, you came and you
gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking

♪ And I need you today, oh, Mandy... ♪

My word. I've never seen one as long
as this before.

That's what she said.

That's what who said?

Doesn't matter.

I found it leaning against the side of
a chimney.

No-one seemed to own it so I thought
I'd just take it.

Finders keepers an' all that.

Help!

I wonder if you could do a little
job for me?

I've got some trouble with my spire.

- Go on.
- It's got a huge bird's nest on it.

I've asked local roofing firms if they
could remove it

but they say that modern safety
methods,

and the fact that they just make the
prices up,

means they can't do it for less than
£50,000.

And unfortunately, even though the
Church of England is

one of the biggest landowners in the
country, we can't afford it.

AND we've got the Songs Of Praise lot
turning up on Sunday to film.

Songs Of Praise?

I don't suppose you would be willing
to use your ladder

to get rid of the nest?

I would go up myself but I'm afraid of
heights.

How much?

Well, um...

I sh*t myself if I go above two
storeys.

No, I mean how much for the job?

Oh, I see. Well...

Christ was a simple man, he didn't
preach the gospel of greed and...





Done.

Right, let's get this shifted.

Mandy, how many times must I tell
you not to

bring your ladder in here?

This is a professional nail salon,

not whatever sort of place you should
keep a very long ladder.

Sorry, Lol, but I can't leave that
lying around.

That little baby's my meal ticket out
of here.

- How do you mean? - I think I might
have found my true calling, Lol.

I love being high up.

It's just me, the birds and God up
there.

Mandy! I thought it was you.

Could you bring your ladder back
tomorrow, please?

My crucifix is bent and I want
everything to be

perfect for Songs Of Praise.

Songs Of Praise? I have always
wanted to go one that show.

Especially after they rejected me from
The Traitors,

Race Around The World

and Naked Attraction.

Can I come along for the show?

We're already full, I'm afraid.

We've had to give priority to regular
churchgoers.

But I am a regular churchgoer,

I go to the jumble sale every January.

- What about it, Mandy?
- Maybe.

God will smile on your good deeds.




along to Songs Of Praise.

- Well, erm...
- Good seats, mind, front row.

No restricted view. Premier plus
seats,

you know, the ones with the
cup-holders and massage chairs.

Deal?

Doh!

Oh! Done.

See you tomorrow.

That is very good of you, Mandy, but
I worry about you.

You don't even wear safety equipment.

Safety equipment's for snowflakes,
Lola.

Snowflakes and the so-called
professionals.

If I slip and die, I slip and die.

We've all got to go sometime - why not
go whilst falling off a ladder

without a harness in an accident that
was easily preventable?

I think that's sh*t, Mandy.

How dare you!

No, Mandy, I think that is sh*t.

Bird sh*t on your shoulder.

Yeah, it will be.

Closer to the birds, aren't I?

Oh, go home, Mandy, you're a hygiene
hazard.

This is a three-star establishment.

I'll go an have a shower.

Ugh!

Oh, f*cking hell, more bird sh*t.

I'm not even up there yet.

Hang on. What is that?

Oh, my word!

I never thought I'd see one of those.

What the f*ck is it doing in her hair?

Mandy.

Thanks for coming in.

I got a text you wanted to see me.

And a letter. And a message on the
portal.

And a phone call. And another letter.

And a WhatsApp.

- So I just got the sense you
wanted to see me. - Yes, I did.

Um, have you been working at all?

No.

Are you sure? Because if you have
been working,

then it will affect your benefit
payments

and you could be charged with fraud.

Draud? What's that?

No, fraud.

We've had a message saying that you've
been seen doing

odd jobs around the church.

Who's been saying that?

Someone left a message on our
anonymous draud frotline...

..fraud hotline.
- Who was it?

It's anonymous, I didn't know, they
didn't leave their name.

The voice did sound familiar,
actually.

Like it was someone off the telly.

- Oh, it's probably just someone who's
got it in for me. - Who would that be?

You don't get where I am today
without making a few enemies.

"Where you are today?"

Mandy, you're sitting in a Jobcentre,

you haven't had unemployment since you
left school.

Exactly. And yet still I have
enemies at every turn.

Imagine how many enemies really
successful people have,

like Vladimir Putin or Rick Edwards

or that man from Succession.

You think he's successful cos he's
in a show called Succession?

OK, so you haven't been working?

How many more times, no!

So, what's the ladder for then?

What ladder?

That ladder, there, that you brought
in.

Oh, right, that, yeah.

No, I'm looking after it for a friend.

Mandy, this is serious, OK?

If you've been doing a job while
claiming benefits,

then that is a crime.
- A crime?

So what if I've been fixing the church
roof up for a few extra quid?

- Right. - It's hardly the crime
of the century, is it?

It's hardly crooked, million-pound PPE
contracts, is it?

Or billionaires hiding their money
abroad to avoid paying tax, is it?

Or Prince Philip assassinating Lady
Di, is it?

No. But as ever, the rich get away
with it

and you go after the small fry. Yeah,
the easy meat,

the Mandy Carters of the world, who
are just trying to struggle

through the cost of living crisis as
best they can.

Well, if that isn't the real crime,
then I don't know what is!

On Judgment Day, who do you think
God's going to punish?

The poor woman who fixed the church
roof up

so she could afford some f*cking
cheese, or you,

who pursued and punished her and sent
her to an early grave?

You're no better than me but you side
with the rich

cos you think you're like them, but
you're not.

They're laughing at you doing their
dirty work

while they party on their megayachts,
drinking caviar

and eating supermodels.

What a little man you are!

Yeah, that's stopped you in your
tracks, hasn't it?

That's made you think, hasn't it?

No, it's, Mandy, you've got...

There's something in your hair.
- Don't try and distract me,

you petite bourgeois stooge.

Erm, look, I'm just going to put "No
further action needed".

Thank you!

- Best take that with you.
- Oh, yeah. Cheers.

What's she doing?

Oh, my God.

f*cking bird sh*t, b*stards.

Hello! Ah, so many new faces!

I hope it's not just because you want
to be on Songs Of Praise!

No, no, no. I love Jesus Christ.

Where are the cameras?

Hello, hello...

Hello, I'm Aled Jones, and welcome
to Songs Of Praise.

We're delighted to be in

the wonderful old Church of St
Stephen's.

And now for our first hymn, All
Things Bright And Beautiful.

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all

♪ Each little flower that opens...

Well, there seems to be some
disturbance

in the church this afternoon,

some feathered friends have snuck in.

But don't worry, they're all God's
creatures.

BIRDS SQUEAL

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all... ♪

For God's sake, what did you think
was going to happen?

You've broken every rule in the
bird-watching book -

MY book - Michaela Strachan's Guidebook

To Birds Of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland.

What's going on?

She's had a protected and rare bird
nesting in her hair.

- Protected bird?
- The great crested eagle chick.

It would've grown to be the largest
bird in Europe.

And she's probably got more nesting in
that beehive of hers.

So, I'm sorry, but there's only one
thing for it -

I'm going to have to sh**t your friend
and let the birds live in

the hair of her decaying body.

No! You cannot sh**t this woman!

Yeah, you're probably right,
actually.

I tell you what, I'm just going to
blow my RSPB whistle instead.

And that's it for this week.

If you'd like to see more birds

attacking women in churches, then my
book -

Aled Jones's Bumper Book of Birds
Attacking Women in Churches -

is available now in all good book
shops.

♪ Let me tell you 'bout the birds
the bees

♪ And the flowers and the trees

♪ The moon up above

♪ And a thing called love

♪ Let me tell you 'bout the stars in
the sky

♪ A girl and a guy

♪ And the way they could kiss

♪ On a night like this

♪ When I look into your big, brown
eyes... ♪