02x05 - Fatberg

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: Mandy
by Barry Manilow

♪ Oh, Mandy, well, you came,
and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today, oh, Mandy. ♪

So the job would be to assist
a sewer technician,

also known as a flusher.

Your job would be to be part
of the team responsible for clearing

and cleaning the sewers of fatbergs,

massive globs of congealed fat
and waste.

Does that sound like something
you'd be interested in doing?

Does it f*ck.

Er, you'd be working in the evenings
on a four-hour shift...

What, just four hours?

Well, yeah, you'd be working alone,
most of the time,

just guarding the sewer.

So they're saying this needs to be
someone who's able to stay occupied

whilst on duty.Occupied?

What does that mean?
What, just, like, stay awake?

Yeah, that's the minimum
that's asked of you.

They don't set a lot of hurdles for
people who want to work in sewage.

Right, well, I'll take it.

Well, hang on,
you need to meet the manager first,

and then he'll decide
whether or not to take you on.

Right, fine, well, book me in.

OK, erm,

you will wear something
more appropriate, won't you?

What do you mean?

Well, it's just very...

Hey, eyes up, eyes up!
I'm not, I... Mm.

I'm up here. Hello. I wasn't...

You mucky devil!

I have a good mind to report you.

Others might come forward.

MUSIC: Di-Gue-Ding-Ding
by Michel Legrand

Well, we've never had a woman

who wanted to work down the sewers
before.

Well, you've never met
Mandy Carter before.

You know it stinks, right?

What does?

The sewer.

Have you tried air fresheners?
Air fresheners?

You'd need a scented candle
the size of Eccles

to mask that stench.

Well, it's fine by me.

I don't have much of
a sense of smell anyway.

All right.

Do you know what this is?

Is it a wet wipe?

This, Mandy, is the sewer man's

number one enemy!

Ignorant people throw wet wipes
down the loo,

where they combine with congealed
fat, cooking oil, food waste,

condoms and excrement,

to produce...

..one of these -

a fatberg, a mass so big

that it blocks the entire sewer,

causing a dangerous build-up

of expl*sive methane gas.

Now, you know, the facts,
are you still interested?

It's only four hours a shift,
isn't it?

Yes.Count me in.

We tend not to ask too many
questions of anybody who wants to

go down the sewers, but,

just for the form,

can you swim?

Erm, no, no.

Why would I need
to be able to swim?

It's a pipe full of sh*t, love.

You fall in,

you can't swim,

you drown in a pipe full of sh*t.

You see him?

Albert Pertwee.

Fell in. Couldn't swim.

Drowned in a pipe full of sh*t.

You see him?

Lance McFadden.

He's dead.

You know why?Did he,

did he drown in a, in a,

in a pipe... Pipe...

..full of sh... ..full of sh*t.

That's why we ask
for a swimming certificate.

I like you, Mandy.

I think you're a good egg.

I'd like to have you down
my pipes

but if you haven't got
a swimming certificate,

no, can do. Them's the rules.

Health and safety.

Well, I could learn how to swim.

Ooh-hoo hoo-hoo hoo!

You're keen!

You bring me that swimming
certificate within two weeks,

and the job's yours.

Oh! Fantastic!

Why do you want to work in a sewer?

It's only four hours a shift,

no-one breathing down my neck,

and who knows, Lola,

might meet Mr Right down there.

First, though, I've got to learn
how to swim.

Oh, that's easy.

Just go down to your local
swimming baths on a Wednesday,

between two to three.
No-one is ever there at that time.

Oh, right.
Yeah, I'll do that.

What about technique, though?
Can you swim, Lol?

Yes! I can swim like a fish.

I was going to do the cross-Channel
swim to raise money

for Comical Relief,

but I swallowed a cap
on the training run

and I had to miss it.

Learn to swim, Mandy.

It might save your life.

What am I going to do
till Wednesday?

I know. I'll go to the library,
get a book out and out to swim.

Practise the theory.

Vikings?

Pigeons.

I see we have the same interests.

Eh? Vikings and pigeons.

You what?

Can I help you with anything?

I'm looking for a book on swimming.

There you go.

Hope it helps.

Ta.

Ooh,

just give that a wipe.

I can't bear dirtiness.

Muck.

Thanks.

Oh, erm,

I was wondering if you'd like to

come to a restaurant with me,

sometime?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Me?

Yes.

Why?

So that we can eat food

and talk about

pigeons, or Vikings.

All right. Yeah.

Erm, Monday at 6pm, Piccolino's?

They've got a hygiene rating
of five.

Ooh!

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, well, I'll, I'll,

see you then.

Oh, what's your name?

Andrew.

I'm Mandy.

I know,
I looked it up on the system.

Oh.

I also saw that you owe us a fine,
as well.

We never received
"Fifty Shades of Grey" back.

It weren't for me.

I were reading it
to a blind woman.

Well, that's OK.

I can just make that fine disappear.

Thanks. See you.

Lynne, I'm really not feeling
very well.

I think I've got food poisoning.

I might have to sit this one out.

Oh, sh*t! Where's me costume?

MUSIC: Jump In The Line
by Harry Belafonte

♪ Shake, shake, shake, Senora

♪ Shake your body line

♪ Shake, shake, shake, Senora

♪ Shake it all the time

♪ Work, work, work, Senora

♪ Work your body line

♪ Work, work, work, Senora

♪ Work it all the time

f*cking hell!
♪ My girl's name is Senora

♪ I tell you, friends, I adore her
Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

♪ And when she dances, oh, brother

♪ She's a hurricane
in all kinds of weather

MANDY SCREAMS

MUSIC CONTINUES, MUTED UNDERWATER

♪ Rock your body in time

♪ OK! I believe you

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ OK! I believe you... ♪

I can't swim! I can't swim!

Help!

♪ Shake, shake, shake, Senora

♪ Shake your body line, whoa!

♪ Shake... ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES, MUTED UNDERWATER

♪ Work, work, work, Senora

♪ Work your body line

♪ Work, work, work, Senora

♪ Work it all the time

♪ Senora dances calypso

♪ Left to right is the tempo

♪ And when she gets the sensation

♪ She'll go up in the air,
come down in slow motion

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ OK! I believe you

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ Somebody help me!

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ OK! I believe you

♪ Jump in the line... ♪

Argh! Oh, my God!

They don't give certificates now,

as they're trying to cut down
on paper,

but I have got this picture of me

winning a synchronised
swimming gala.

Will that do?

That'll do it for me.Right.

Here you are. Put these on.

You can start tonight.

KLAXON SOUNDS

It's emergency! Emergency!

Code red! Follow me!

KLAXON CONTINUES

Right, lads,

what we've got is a super fatberg,

17 metres across,

causing a build-up
of combustible methane.

When the sewage enters the tank,

it will instantly overheat

and vaporise approximately
7,000 cubic metres of effluent,

giving rise to a significant
thermal expl*si*n.

Everything within a 30-kilometre
radius will be completely

covered in sh*t.

The release of effluent
will be severe.

It will impact all of Clifton, Bury,
Prestwich and Stoneclough,

Manchester, Salford, Trafford Park,
Stretford.

Well, most of East Lancashire.

Radcliffe will be completely
uninhabitable for 40 years.

No change there, then.

But, lads, I believe
we have a solution.

We need three workers who know
the facility well enough

to make their way through the
pertinent channels till they come

to the sluice gate valve,
where they can pump out the tank.

It is that simple.

But let me warn you,
and I'll not mince words,

whoever does it will likely
be dead within a week.

Why would we do this?
For what?

Why should you do it?

Yeah. because it must be done.

Lads, this is what is always
set our people apart.

Hundreds of years of sacrifice
coursing through our veins,

every generation must embrace
its suffering so you make your peace

with it and go into the water
because it must be done!

Frank Crickley.

Trevor Hargreaves.

Mandy Carter

Sorry, what's going on?

Didn't really understand
any of that.

It's my first day.

This, guard this with your life.

This... This is your lifeline.

This is your methane detector.

Good lad.

OVER RADIO: Mandy, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

What's your methane reading, Mandy?

Er...

My needle's in the red!

This is worse than I thought.

You're trapped in a giant methane
pocket and what you've got to do

is make your way to the sluice
gates as quickly as you can

and release the gas.

My battery's dying!

Hang on, I've got my f*gs here.

I'll use my lighter. Mandy, no!

The gas!

expl*si*n

Good evening, sir.
Can I get you another drink?

No, she should be here in a minute.
Thank you.

OK, no worries.

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

Oh, God, you haven't got a wet wipe
on you, have you?

I know they're bad for the
environment, but they're really

handy, you know,
if you can't get to a sink.

Oof.

I am famished.

What you having.

Got meat loaf sliders.

- MUSIC: Jump In the Line
- By Harry Belafonte

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ OK, I believe you

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ Somebody, help me

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ OK, I believe you

♪ Jump in the line,
rock your body in time

♪ Whoa-oh

♪ Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
shake your body line

♪ Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
shake it all the time

♪ Work, work, work, Senora. ♪