01x02 - Susan Bloody Blower

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

This programme contains
some strong language

Don't Tell My Heart
by The Marcy Brothers

What are you reading?
Guinness Book Of Records.

Ah, 400 pages of the greatest people
to ever walk God's green earth.

What do you think, Mandy, could
we make it into its hallowed pages?

Oh, Lol, it's not the likes of us.
I mean, look at this.

Ayanna Williams,
longest fingernail.

Brian Scriven grew big pumpkin.

Michael Lotito ate a plane.

I mean, these people are gods,
Olympians,

done something with their lives.

There must be something.

Fired most times in one day?

No, there's a woman
in Peterborough, I checked.

No, Lol, I'm not a record-breaker.

I am a line dancer, though,

and I'm going to win the local
line dance endurance competition.

Have you been practising?
Practising?!

I've done 22 hours straight through.

That is amazing, but what if
you want to go to the toilet?

I've got a secret.

Adult nappies.

Mandy Carter, I think
you might be a genius.

I might start wearing them
day to day, actually,

you save so much time.

But what about food?
Are you allowed to eat?

You're allowed to have someone throw
you a bottle of pop or a mini roll

while you're dancing
but other than that,

you're not allowed to stop,
even for, like, two seconds.

It sounds like an incredible test
of human endurance.

Have you done this
kind of competition before?

Actually, I went on Touch The Truck
once with my mate Susan Blower.

What is Touch The Truck?

Touch The Truck was a TV show
where you have to touch the truck.

The person who touches the truck
longest win the truck.

Out!

It sounds complicated.

I'll never forget the day -


Looks like it's just you and me,
Sues. Yeah.

You know, Mandy, whatever happens,
we're still friends.

Do you mean that? Course I do.

This is just a game.

Friendship's too important.

Argh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Medic!

Mandy, please, please help me.

It's so dark.
Oh, it's going so dark.

Oh, my God! So dark...

So cold.

Susan, stay with me!

I'm all right now, Mandy.
I'm all right.

You f*cking div!

Out!

You'll never amount to anything,
Mandy Carter.

Ha-ha-ha!

Never amount to anything.
Mandy, don't say that.

Some people just aren't meant to
amount to anything.

What if everyone amounted to
something,

then amounting to something
wouldn't be special.

Your constant failure
allows other people to shine.

That's very sweet of you, Lol,
but...

..I'm going to
prove Susan Blower wrong.

I'm going to amount to something.

I'm going to win the local
line dance endurance competition.

Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus

Who the bloody hell's that?

Susan Blower, as I live and breathe.

Hiya, Mandy.
What are you doing back?

You're not going to do the local line
dance endurance competition, are you?

What? No.

You ruined my life
after Touch The Truck.

Look, I've come to apologise.

You'd better come in.

I'm a bit down on my luck, actually.

I've got nowhere to stay.

I heard you'd gone to the
Peak District to start a new life.

I heard you got a hot tub. I did.

It's all gone to sh*t now, though.

I don't want to talk about it.

Please, I wouldn't ask
if I weren't desperate.

It's just for a few nights.

Why don't you stay in your truck,

the truck you won
on Touch The Truck?

It's gone.

It's all gone.

I want to make it up to you.
I'm not sure, Susan.

Come on, Mandy!
It'll be like old times.

Hello? Hiya, Lola, can you
book me in for a clip and a buff

on Thursday at two o'clock?

Of course, darling. Hey,
you'll never guess who's back. Who?

Susan Blower.

The same Susan Blower you were
only talking about yesterday?

That's weird.

She apologised for being
such a knobhead on Touch The Truck.

I've let her stay
in my small back bedroom

while she's getting back
on her feet.

That's very generous of you, Mandy.

Well, everyone deserves
a second chance

and I honestly think
she's changed this time.

Hiya. Hiya.

Is that my top?

And my boots?

Yeah, you don't mind, do you?
All my stuff's in the wash.

No.

No, that's fine.

Have you seen my Dairylea Dunkers?

No.

There were three packets in here.
No. Maybe you imagined them.

Is that Dairylea Dunker
on your face? No.

Looks like Dairylea Dunker.

It's moisturiser.

You all right, Mandy?

Maybe you're training too hard,

maybe this dancing competition is
getting to you,

perhaps you should sit this one out.

What do you mean?
Well, it's not worth it, is it?

It's a silly little
dancing competition.

What's more important is
your mental health.

♪ This town ain't big enough
for the both of us

♪ And it ain't me
who's gonna leave. ♪

I had to come here.
I don't know what's real any more.

I keep thinking about
Dairylea Dunkers.

Did she eat them?
Do Dairylea Dunkers exist even?

I mean, a tiny pot of cheese next to
a larger pot with breadsticks in it,

when you say it out loud,
it sounds mental.

Susan has been such a great friend
to you, Mandy.

I feel like
she's stealing my identity.

Maybe she's doing that thing that
people do these days. What thing?

Gas-lamping. You mean tea-lighting?
I don't know, something like that.

People do it on Twitter
all the time.

Mandy, darling, you sound paranoid.

Maybe Susan is right, maybe
the training is getting to you.

Hang on, I never told you that.

How do? What are you doing here?

Said I'd show Lola my ceramic frogs.

Is that a euphemism? Hey?

No!

What have you done to your hair?
Oh.

Just thought I'd try
something different.

This is exactly like Face/Off,
except we haven't swapped faces.

Hang on, what nail colour is that?

This? This is minty pig. Minty pig!

She picked it out on
the colour wheel, what could I do?

Should have seen this coming.

Fool me once, shame on you,

fool me twice, that's...

..not on.

No, no. Don't get upset over
a bit of friendly competition.

Talking of which...

..I'm thinking of entering that line
dancing endurance contest after all.

Right, we're out of the bog roll.

If you want, pick some up
on the way home.

I've got to go now cos
I'm bidding on a new frog on eBay

and there's 35 other bidders.

Bye, Lola.

See you later, dickhead!

Mandy, I'm so... You're dead to me!

I feel bad about minty pig.

Look, I'm going to
show you something now, Mandy,

something I have never shown
anyone else before.

Oh, my God, what is it?
Something I think will help you win.

[DRUMS BEAT

It's my lucky voodoo head.

Has it been in your family
for generations?

No, I got it off Exchange & Mart
two days ago.

What am I supposed to do with it?
Hang on, it came with instructions.

Step one, gaze into the eyes
of the voodoo head.

Oh, I'm scared, Lola.
What if we unleash something.

Step two, name your foe.

Susan bloody Blower.

Step three,
tell the head what you want

and you must be specific.

I want to be the last one standing

at the local line dance
endurance competition.

[DRUMMING INTENSIFIES

Nothing's happening.

So much for the dark arts.

No, the only way I'm going to win
this competition, Lola,

is through hard work
and determination,

and a sh*t-ton of mini rolls.

You got the mini rolls?

Right here. Great.

Let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen,
will the remaining dancers

please make their way downstairs?

We are about to begin.

The prize will go to
the last line dancer standing.

And remember you must keep
your thumbs in your belt hoops

at all times,

otherwise, you are disqualified.

OK, good luck, everyone.
Positions, please.

And here we go.

[HORN BLARES

Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus

♪ You can tell the world
you never was my girl

♪ You can burn my clothes up
when I'm gone

♪ Oh, you can tell your friends
just what a fool I've been

♪ And laugh and joke about me
on the phone

♪ You can tell my arms
go back to the farm

♪ You can tell my feet
to hit the floor

♪ Or you can tell my lips... ♪

Lola, water!

Ooh!

You're disqualified, off you go.

Off you go.

♪ And if you tell my heart
My achy breaky heart... ♪

[MUSIC FADES OUT

Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
by Shania Twain

Disqualified. Go on, off you go.

Good Time
by Alan Jackson

Out.

You're disqualified, off you go.

So are you, love, disqualified.

I don't care, belt loops, go.

Potential New Boyfriend
by Dolly Parton

♪ Better keep your hands off my

♪ Better keep your hands off
my potential new boyfriend

♪ Building up an appetite

♪ You can look
but you can't buy... ♪

There you go. Disqualified.

Ah, yes, you're disqualified.

Boot Scootin' Boogie
by Brooks & Dunn

What's happened here?
Right disqualified.

You're disqualified too. Hello?

Off you go.

I told you
you'd never amount to anything.

♪ Yeah, Cadillac, blackjack,
baby, meet me out back... ♪

Come on, Mandy.

Mini roll! Mini roll!

♪ I just don't think he'd understand

♪ And if you tell my heart

♪ My achy breaky heart

♪ He might blow up
and k*ll this man... ♪

Have I won? Have I won?
I've won, haven't I?

Mandy Carter is
the last contestant standing.

In your face, Susan Blower!
In your face!

But as you've just taken your thumbs
out of your belt loops,

you are automatically disqualified,
therefore,

Susan Blower wins the award,
God rest her soul.

Mini rolls!

We need to get rid of this head
before it consumes us all.

Gone.
[MAN GRUNTS

It's over now.
It cannot hurt anyone any more.