02x02 - Cocoon Gables/Green-Eyed Monster

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

BOY: Who?

GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she, and why
does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

All right! Kiwi lip balm!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

[SLURPS]

[LIPS SMACKING, EXHALES]
It's fat-free, but so creamy.

-[DOOR OPENING]
-[SLURPS]

[SPITS] Peppie, what are you doing?

Going to school.

But it's only 7:05. Are you feverish?

Today, we pick our weekend volunteer
assignment in social studies class.

[MUFFLED] It's first come, first serve.

And I am not getting stuck picking up
glass shards at the playground again.

Gonna be on time, get the best assignment,
nothing's gonna stop me...

So he says, "The rolls are fresh!"

My daughter is moving to Lebanon.

-Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
-So I say, "These are day-old rolls,"

and I pop him one!

-She'll need to buy some sandals.
-[GROANS]

...so I poked him really hard and said,
"I told you I didn't want any milk!"

[SCREECHES]

You still got plenty of time.

Yeah, yeah, I've got plenty of...

BERNICE: Oh,
is that little Magoo Bernstein?

Oh.

How is your mother?
Is she still with the circus?

[GRUNTS] My name's not Magoo.
I think you...

Did I ever tell you about the time
we broke into a jam factory?

It was one hot, crazy summer...

[GASPS] Is that Barbara Bush?

Where?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

Hurry! You can still make it!

-[GASPS]
-[WHISTLE BLOWS]

-We're old, we're gold, get used to it!
-We're old, we're gold, get used to it!

-We're old, we're gold, get used to it!
-We're old, we're gold, get used to it!

[SIGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GROANS] Old people.

NICKY: [GASPING] How wonderful!

I'm going to teach convicts
at Tri-Nut Penitentiary

how to build birdfeeders!

Cool! I get to pick up glass shards
at the playground!

PEPPER ANN: Old people?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Uh. Mr. Finky? Could I get
a different volunteer assignment?

Why? Cocoon Gables is the hippest,
flyest retirement home

this side of Saturday!

But the elderly are just so...

old.

Come on, Coz, just give it a shot.

You might have more in common
with the elderly than you think.

But they're so out of touch,
they never listen, they complain all th...

Look, if you don't spend
this entire weekend at Cocoon Gables,

you will get an F in my class.

Fail. Flunk. The big F-ola.

Ciao, amiga!

-[HORN HONKS]
-[ENGINE REVVING]

[GROANS]

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[SCREAMS]

[ROARS] Hey!

MILICENT: Pearson. Pearson!

[DING, DING]

As assistant activities coordinator,

your job is to assist me
at coordinating activities. Questions?

-Uh. Actually, I...
-Good!

Follow the book and you'll do fine.

Dealing with the elderly
takes caring and patience.

I'll be at the pool.
Page me if anyone croaks.

[JAZZ TUNE PLAYS]

PEPPER ANN: I am Pepper Ann!
I have bran!

So, why is she yelling
with the voice so big?

Ah!

Can I get some huevos rancheros?

According to Ye Olde Book,
seniors are supposed to eat fiber.

Fiber!

Did I ever tell you about the time
I went kayaking over Niagara Falls?

It was one hot, crazy summer...

Okay, time to stop living in the past!

Who's up for some fun
in the here and now?

Is it time for dinner?

ROSE: i-32.

i-32.

i-32.

BERNICE:
With the federales hot on my trail...

[FARTING SOUND]

-...I took a hard left into a...
-[FARTING SOUND]

Will you stop that?

-[FARTING SOUND]
-MAN: I can't help it.

I love balloons!

i-32.

i-32.

-i, as in "intravenous drip."
-[MIC SQUEAKS]

-[RINGING]
-Dinner time! Come and get it!

It's about time!

Is this the line for the bathroom?

ROSE: Not quite 33,

a little bit more than 31. 32. i-32.

[SNIFFS] Three-two.

Will you call another number already?

No one has i-32!

ABE: Oh. Bingo!

Okay, lights out!

It's 5:30!

According to Ye Olde Book,

seniors need at least 15 to 19 hours
of sleep per night because...

Yes, I'm gonna take that book
and... [GRUNTS]

Goodnight.

MILICENT: You're free to go, Pearson.

After you help Cookie
cream the corn for tomorrow's dinner.

[GROANS]

I'm off to Single Soldier Night
at Air Base Nut.

See you tomorrow morning at 0500 hours.

-Semper Fi!
-[TIRES SCREECH]

And to insure durability,
the felons want to build the bird feeders

out of nail files
instead of popsicle sticks!

Man, I'm definitely wearing
gloves tomorrow.

[GROANS] You guys are so lucky
you got such rad assignments.

There is no way
I'm going back to Geezer-ville.

[GASPS] But if you don't complete
the assignment, you'll fail the class!

[SCOFFS] I'd rather fail
than go back there.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-They're so out of touch,

they never listen,
they complain all the...

[SIGHS] P.A., you know
what you're doing right now?

Making judgments about the elderly
based on their age.

Oddly, Milo is right.

Pepper Ann, you are guilty of...

ageism.

Looks like someone's been watching
too many public service announcements.

Come on, no one would ever
make judgments about someone

just because of their age.

-You kids got any money?
-Uh, yeah.

Uh-huh. Show it to me.

Why? You didn't ask to see
anyone else's money!

See, that's because they're all grown-ups.

Look, I need this booth
for paying customers. Comprende, kiddies?

[GRUNTS]

-[GROANS]
-Oh, are you hurt?

Little girls shouldn't cross
the street alone!

I'm not a little...

It's getting dark, so you go straight home
to your mommy and daddy, okay?

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Ah! A cold bottle of Chillade.
Just what I need to help me unwind.

[PEPPER ANN GRUNTING]

Little girl, do you know how much sugar

-is in this bottle of filth?
-[GROANS]

Here, this may taste like sewage,
but it'll give you the essential vitamins

-your itty-bitty body needs.
-[GULPS]

Peppie, Janie and I
are going to Sudbuckets tonight,

so I've arranged for a babysitter to...

Mom!

I'm not a baby.
I don't need a sitter, I'm 12 years old!

According to Ye Younge Book,

children require supervision
until their early teens.

I am an individual, not an age.

And I should be treated as such,
no matter what some stupid book says!

You're right.
I shouldn't judge you by your age,

I should judge you
by who you are as a person.

Yeah.

LYDIA: I'm not letting you stay home
alone because last time,

you filled the sink with aerosol cheese!

The fact that you're 12
has nothing to do with it!

Yeah!

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-What, so now we get to eat paper?

No, but you do get to pick
your own breakfast

from the approved dietary menu.

No one should force you to eat
or do anything you don't want to!

Now, let's go have some real fun!

Ah, shut your piehole and gimme some bran!

[ALL SCREAM]

[ENGINES REVVING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

BERNICE: And when I came to,
I was staring down the business end

of an Aborigine's spear.

Did they know that you had
the Shangkari stone?

Oh, they knew.

-They didn't care.
-Wow, Bernice.

That really was one hot, crazy summer.

Come on lucky seven,
Papa needs a new hip!

Is this the buffet with the eating?

-Good night!
-Bye! See you all tomorrow!

-[CAR DOOR CLOSING]
-Tomorrow? I thought you... [HICCUPS]

...were only volunteering for a weekend.

I was. They invited me back
for the Ye Olde Book burning.

Which reminds me, I took some notes
on some of your residents for you.

Abe likes his salad after his main course,
Rose loves dancing in the afternoon,

oh, and by the way,
Bernice's stories are awesome!

What? Why...

You know, you might try
getting to know your residents

for who they are, not how old they are.

Told you.
People in their autumn years rock.

Yeah. I totally have a newfound
appreciation for my elders.

What, you're too good to lock
your front door?

What if I was a crazy, huh?

They're spraying our house
for water beetles.

We'll have to stay here a week,
maybe five.

Grandma... Grandpa...

great.

Lydia, darling! Are you sure
that coffee you drink is fat-free?

Is that my little Peppie Schmeppie?

I have a newfound appreciation
for the elderly.

I have a newfound appreciation
for the elderly.

Oh, Peppie, age has nothing to do with it.
They've been this way their whole lives.

Now go put on that sailor dress
they gave you for Easter.

LILLIAN: Pepper, you're so skinny!
Lydia, hand me the big bowl!

LEO: Where's Moosie?

Let me see my little grand, uh,
son... Moose.

[ALL SOBBING]

NICKY: Oh, Pepper Ann, you know
how public displays of emotion affect me.

Is this what you brought us
to see? [SNIFFLING]

Keep watching!

-That bus is taking Cissy Rooney away...
-[DOOR CLOSING]

-...for one whole week.
-[TIRES SCREECH]

Leaving her position as Most Popular Girl
in the Seventh Grade wide open!

-[GROANS]
-[EXHALES]

Wanting popularity for popularity's sake
is a hollow goal at best.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

This year, I have a plan
guaranteed to work!

You are no doubt familiar
with the three corners

of the popularity pyramid?

Academics, sports, the arts.
Now, sports I can handle.

But I am going to need your help, Nicky,
to beef up my academic performance.

It goes against my better judgment.

I knew I could count on you. [CHUCKLES]
Milo, I need you to tutor me in art.

The creative instinct occurs naturally.

It's in the chromosomes.
It cannot be taught.

I'll give you my Flaming Snot
holographic trading cards.

Ten o'clock okay?

[GASPING] Someone pilfered
my Hester Prynne action figure!

-Hey, my Fun-Boy is missing!
-MILO: My knobs!

My beautiful knobs! It's not fair!

Oh, wait a minute. Never mind.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Roll call! Who will be
my special little helper today?

How about you, Pepper Ann?

You always have that certain
roll-calling... je ne sais quoi.

[GROANS]

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Excuse me, Abriola.

I just wanted to reassure everyone
that the recent theft situation

is under control.

And on a slightly more delightful note,
I'd like to introduce a new student.

Meet Amber O'Malley!

[STUDENTS EXCLAIM]

[GASPS] Hello, angel!

Tell us all about yourself.

Oh, not much to tell, really.

Daddy feels that Swiss
boarding schools are passé.

Well, since my modeling contract was up,

we unloaded all our junk bonds
and moved here.

For more info, visit my web page
at www-dot-perfectly-dot-cool-dot-wow!

-Cool!
-Wow!

How charming!

As a special welcome to our little town,
why don't you call the roll for us, hmm?

Pearson, fork it over.

But I'm the one with the certain
je ne sais quoi!

[CHUCKLES] Not anymore!

-Is it two electrons for hydrogen, or...
-[STUDENTS GASPING]

[STUDENTS CLAPPING, CHEERING]

[GRUNTS]

I am so glad Ms. Ford,
your regular art teacher,

-was injured in that macramé incident.
-[GASPS]

Because now I am able to savor
this work of genius.

Class dismissed!

[SPITS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

COACH DOOGAN: All right, baby!
Way to take out an outfielder, Pearson!

There's one spot left on the team,
and, baby, it looks like it's all your...

AMBER: Yoo-hoo! Coach Doogan!

My Conversational Vietnamese
class ran long.

Oh, can I still try out?

[GASPS] Batter up!

[GASPS]

COACH DOOGAN:
All the way to the handicap spaces!

-[CAR SIREN WAILING]
-[GASPS]

Oh, I'm much better lefty!
[CHUCKLES] May I?

[BAT SWISHING]

Woo-hoo!
The gods have answered my prayers!

-Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber!
-Amber! Amber! Amber! Amber!

"I'm much better lefty."

Jeez, how blind can everyone be?

What do we even know
about this Amber anyway?

What do you mean?

There's something a little too perfect
about Little Miss Perfect.

I don't trust her.

You're just saying that
because you're jealous.

[CHUCKLES] Jealous? Me? Yeah, right.

Beware the Green-Eyed Monster.
It can turn normal people into beasts!

And being a beast is no party.

[GASPS] You're absolutely right.
Why didn't I see it earlier?

I'll throw a party!

It will launch me
into the popularity stratosphere!

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

CRAIG: Hey, Mama.

Nice groove.

[ALL CHEERING]

-[RADIO BEEPS]
-VERA: Just an update to reassure everyone

that the locker situation
is under control.

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Gimme!
-[MIC SCREECHES]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Know this,
you little thief, I will not rest

until I have tracked you down
to the ends of the earth!

-Uh. I believe that is all.
-[MIC CLANKING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What's a "par-tay"?

A party. My party.

It's just the thing to push me
over the top in my popularity bid.

Um. Pepper Ann, there's something
you should know...

Oh, I've been looking all over for you.

I wanted to invite you to my party
on Saturday night.

-Can you come?
-Gee, I'm sorry,

but I'm having a party of my own
that night.

Oh. How awkward.

Well, I hope we aren't inviting
too many of the same people.

Sorry, Pepper Ann,
but Amber did ask us first.

We've already R.S.V.P'd!

Pepper Ann,
why don't we combine our parties?

That way, people won't feel pressured
to choose between...

Uh. Thanks, Amber, but I'm not interested.

Well, okay.

If your party is slow, drop by.
The Cha Cha Kings are headlining.

PEPPER ANN: You're going to her house?

You hardly know her. She's a stranger!
You're not supposed to talk to strangers.

I mean, she could be some kind of weirdo,
or a criminal.

[GASPING] For all you know,
she could be the locker thief!

-[GASPS]
-Oh.

Well, think about it. Amber, locker...

I mean, do you think
that's just a coincidence?

Pepper Ann, although some feelings
of jealousy are perfectly natural

and signal a healthy ego state,
I think you're taking it too far.

See? You never listen to me!
I told you, you were jeal...

I'm not jealous. [MUNCHES]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Dieter! You came!

Blitzkrieg! This is the wrong flyer.

-Um. Do you know where Amber lives?
-[GRUNTS]

-DIETER: Mater.
-Face it, your party reeks.

Why don't you just go to Amber's?

Okay, fine.
Just wallow here in your jealousy, alone.

While your friends whoop it up
at the social event of the year

without you!

This is w*r.

[BUTTONS DIAL]

Hello, Principal... Uh. Mr. Hickey?

I have a hot tip for you
about your locker thief.

-Her name is O'Malley. Amber O'Malley.
-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH ON PHONE]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

AMBER: Oh, Pepper Ann! You made it!

Nobody move!

They've come for you, Carlos!

Not today, mi amigo!

[GRUNTS]

Where is Amber O'Malley?

Herbert! Stuffed jalapeño? They're hot!

I'll bet they are.

Your little plan almost worked, Amber,
but you made one mistake.

You crossed me and left me alive.

-Um. Sir?
-I know you are the locker bandit!

[GASPS, CRIES]
I can't believe she would do this!

-[BARKS]
-[STUDENT SCREAMING]

But, Principal Hickey,
do you have any evidence?

Let's just say I got a hot tip
from a reliable source.

Now, to insure than none
of your Miranda rights are violated,

-I brought Officer Diggity with me.
-[SNORES]

Book her, Jo Jo.

[YAWNS] You have the right
to remain silent. Eh.

Anything you say can and will be...
Whoa! Hey! Are those taquitos?

[CRIES]

Who would spread
such a nasty lie about me?

[SOBS] Who?

Oh. [GASPS, SCREAMS]

Wait! It was me. Principal Hickey,
I'm the one who called you.

-I made the whole thing up.
-Why, Pepper Ann, why?

I'm sorry, Amber. I was jealous of you.

You're so popular and...
Well, I wanted to sabotage your party.

-Can you forgive me?
-Oh, of course, Pepper Ann.

My whole life,
people have been eclipsed by me.

It's my curse. It's me, not you.

Oh. You really are perfect.
I don't deserve your forgiveness.

I'll go now.

[GASPS] Pepper Ann, no!

-[HORSE NEIGHS]
-[ALL GASPING]

So you are the locker bandit!
You preteen minx!

But, Amber, you have it all.
Why did you do it?

I blame society.

People like you create beings like me,

burdened with the impossible
responsibility of leading perfect lives.

All right, I'm just a klepto.

-[HORSE NEIGHING]
-Now what?

CRAIG: Hey, Pearson!

Party still on at your house?

Um. Yes.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Would you like to dance?
Do you want to cha-cha? [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Guillermo, you are such a card!

Gosh, P.A., we had no idea
how unstable you were.

Not to mention
how amazing it was that the object

of your irrational jealousy actually
turned out to be the locker thief.

-Yeah, well...
-[SLURPS]

...I vow never to be jealous
like that... [GASPS]

[GIGGLES]

[GROWLS]

-[SCREAMS]
-[GROWLS]

-NICKY: Pepper Ann.
-Hmm?

I was just saying how jealousy
is one of the toughest

human emotions to overcome.

Well... [CHUCKLES] ...not for me.

[THHEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]