01x11 - Thanksgiving Dad

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?

Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

[ALARM RINGING]

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

BOY: Who?

GIRL 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Wow, a dreidel.

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

CHILD: Trick or treat!

`[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MOOSE: Yeah. Hey. Uh-huh.

Come on! Come on! Come on!
Don't you ever stop talking?

MOOSE: Okay. You too.

Hey, Dad! You flying a plane right now?

Cool! [CHUCKLES]

Oh! Dad, you know I'm too old
for trick-or-treating!

Mom's making me take Moose though...

Janie, we can't seat Fanny next to Remo!

Don't you remember
last year's gravy boat incident?

Lydia, I know we said we would host
the perfect Thanksgiving this year,

but I don't know if I can. [SOBS]

Get a grip, Janie.
Remember why we're doing this.

[CHUCKLES] Now, I... I know you were all
expecting turkey, but, uh...

[STEVE GROWLS]

It's all right, Lydia dear.
You're a single working mother.

[CHUCKLES] You're doing what you can.

And, Janie! Well, you never were much
in the kitchen. [SCOFFS]

[SIZZLE]

Bring it on.

Ever since my divorce,
our relatives have been treating me

like that kid who sells raisins
by the laundromat.

Well, this year's Thanksgiving
will be the best ever.

Our house will be so full of food
and love and...

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Read the sign!

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

MOOSE: Let's go, Peppie.

[MEOWS]

Dad, Tundra Woman's cracking the whip.
I gotta... What?

Oh, but that's so far!
Can't you tell me now?

Okay, I love you too. Bye!

[TELEPHONE CLICKS]

Dad said he has a special surprise for us
on Thanksgiving! [GIGGLES]

Maybe it's a motorcycle!
Maybe it's a tattoo!

Maybe it's a doo-doo-doo,
Doo-doo-doo!

[MUNCHES]

[DIETER PANTING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

Oh.

Red Fish, this is Hot Salsa.
Seeking clarification on item 243.

Is that spring water or dill weed? Over.

-[RADIO STATIC]
-That's spring water. Repeat, spring wa...

[GASPS] Oh! Sweet mother, no!

Alert! Alert!
Rogue m*ssile approaching yam quadrant!

-[RADIO STATIC]
-LYDIA: Deploy Operation Blue Hair!

[WHISTLES]

Oh, my stars! Is that Desmond Tutu?

[YELPS]

[WHISTLES]

All right, here's what I'm thinking.

Instead of calling on Thanksgiving
like always,

this year, Dad's coming in person!

-Cool. You sure?
-Positive!

Well, almost positive.

-It's either that or the tattoo thing.
-[RADIO STATIC]

LYDIA: Tundra Woman and Madame Curie.
Checkout four in T minus three,

-copy?
-[RADIO STATIC]

-PEPPER ANN: Copy that.
-MOOSE: Copy that.

[WHIRRING]

-Uncle Remo.
-Diggity, Remo J. Seat, southwest corner.

Likes, stuffing and dark meat.

Dislikes, decaf
and people who call soccer football.

Good. Very good.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Isn't it a great day to be thankful?

Isn't it a great day
for a special surprise?

Stop! Nedward Diggity! You know the rule!
There will be no eating until dinner!

But I...

Just put down the cheese and back away.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

Nobody move! Something somewhere is done!

[DEVICE CONTINUES BEEPING]

Okay. I'll just be outside,
waiting for my surprise.

-LYDIA: After you set the kids table.
-[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh. [EXHALES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

Moose, Mom wants you
to set the kids table.

-Mom!
-LYDIA: Pepper Ann!

[CLICKS TONGUE] Moose.

So, I'm setting the kids table.
No big deal.

A small blemish
on an otherwise perfect day.

Hey, Mom! What side do the sporks go on?

Too bad you also have to also sit
at the kids table.

What, not civilized enough
for the adult table?

[GRUNTS]

-[MUNCHES]
-[SLURPS]

-Hmm.
-[SLURPS]

Hmm. [INHALES, SLURPS]

[MILO SLURPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[GUEST 1 LAUGHING]
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[BURPS]
-[GLASS SHATTERING]

Pepper Ann want more.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Oh, Lydia! How charmingly barbaric!
-[GUEST 1 LAUGHING]

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Aren't you going to get that?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-I said, aren't you going to get that?

-Dad!
-Mm. Not that I know of.

Look, I'm double-booked.

I've got a 4:30 dinner here
and at Nicky's so...

Where is he?

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[WIND HOWLING]

What's the matter, Charlie?

CHUCK: Eh. I promised my daughters
I would get back for Thanksgiving,

but this infernal storm...

Eh, that's Mother Nature for ya.
Temperamental. Like a teethin' baby.

CHUCK: Ah, you should see 'em Frankie.
They're gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!

Oh. This here's an angel
missin' from heaven.

CHUCK: And this is my other dau...

Please, Charlie. She's all the beauty
I can take in one lifetime.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

MILO: Nod twice if you can hear me.

Can you push back your dinner?

LYDIA: Tell Milo if he's not here by 4:30,
his wing goes to the homeless!

PEPPER ANN: Later.

One, two, three baste!

One, two, three baste!

Am weak...

[BREATHES SHAKILY] ...need food.

One, two, three baste!

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-[GASPS] No! It can't be.

Not seven-and-a-half hours early.

Da... Oh.

Hello, Margaret Rose!
Aren't you delicious!

[MUFFLED] Grandma, I'm Pepper Ann.

Yeah, well, whoever you are, it took you
long enough to answer the door!

Creamed corn casserole. Don't drop it.

-Lydia darling!
-[BACK CRACKS]

-[GROANS]
-LILLIAN: I see someone's put on

a few holiday pounds!

-[DOOR CREAKS]
-What if he's not coming?

Of course he's coming.

A herd of wild elephants
couldn't keep Dad from seeing me!

CHUCK: A herd of wild elephants
couldn't keep me from seeing my daughter!

[ELEPHANTS TRUMPET]

CHUCK: Oh.

-[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
-[MUNCHES]

What kind of tomfoolery you watching here?
The parade's on!

B... b... but we we're watching football.

Oh, they're doing an All-Star Salute
to the blimp!

-[MARCHING BAND ON TV]
-Now that's better.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

-[GRUNTS]
-Hello, Dad? Where are you? I...

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-[EXHALES] Mom. Aunt Fanny.

Hello, Fanny!

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-Oh, I'm looking forward to...

No, no, you hadn't mentioned
your new diet.

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-No poultry? [CHUCKLES] No problem.

CHUCK: Marvelous!
Now I can tell her I'm running late!

[TONE BEEPING]

OPERATOR: We're sorry, but the phone
you are currently using is a mirage.

Please hang up
and try your call again later.

On a real phone.

No, no, no!

JANIE: No!

[SOBS] He ate all the yams! Why? Why?

There was no more gum.

-LYDIA: It's all right.
-[CAN CLATTERS]

Don't panic.

Go to Plan B.

-[SOBS] Operation Greedy Pig?
-You know what you have to do.

[SMOOCHES]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-All right, let's do this.

Bonsai!

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Man, Cissy's mom makes the best
boobleberry flambé

in the whole Tri-Nut area.

Mom, Aunt Fanny, Grandma...

Aha! There's one extra setting!
Dad is coming!

Ah, denial. We meet again.

What is it,
four years since your parents' divorce?

Mom must be in on it!
Now it's all making sense.

In year five, you'll accept the fact
your dad isn't coming.

But on the upside,
he'll start sending money.

Of course Dad's coming!

Watch. I'll prove it.

Hey there, you little trickster you.

-[CLICKS TONGUE]
-You're talking crazy.

Hey, if that's how you want to play it,
it's fine by me.

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Hmm. Wonder who that could be?

No, no, you two stay here. I'll get it.

[WIND HOWLING]

CHUCK: Oh, Pepper, Pepper, Pepper!
She's awfully clever!

I hope I get there
before she figures out my surprise!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

-HARRY: Surprise, Pepper Ann!
-FANNY: Surprise, Pepper Ann!

Look, Harry. She's so excited to see us,
she's mute.

CHUCK: Oh, drat.


-Hey, Aunt Fanny. Hey, Uncle Harry.
-[FILM ROLLING]

-[CAMERA BEEPS]
-Damian, Damiana, say hello to Pepper Ann!

-Hello, Pepper Ann.
-Hello, Pepper Ann.

-Hello, Margaret Rose.
-Hello, Margaret Rose.

[GULPS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[GRUNTS]
-[GROANS]

-[GRUNTS]
-[GROANS]

[GASPS] No, not... yule logs!

-[GROANS]
-What have you done with the Yams?

I don't work here!

-[FILM ROLLING]
-Yo, Harry! Looking good!

Whoa, take it easy, officer!
I swear I paid those parking tickets!

-[LAUGHS]
-Oh.

How's my baby brother, huh?

Not too big for a noogie
from ol' Remo, huh? [CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKS]

You's a good kid.
Go buy yourself something nice.

-Damian and Damiana want to play.
-Damian and Damiana want to play.

I don't get it.

Maybe Milo's right.
Maybe he's just not coming.

But the place settings and the...

Maybe you miscounted. Maybe he...

Yeah! Maybe you should be quiet!

-LYDIA: Pepper Ann!
-[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Oops.

[INHALES, EXHALES] It's okay.
Everything's under control.

Turkey roasting, potatoes mashing,
cat's in the garage, Ned's in time-out...

NED: I am a selfish yam eater,
I am a selfish yam eater.

Peppie, take these to the other room.

-But...
-You're pushing it!

SHERRIE ON TV: And coming up
in the next half-hour,

-[BOTH SNORE]
-SHERRIE: ...our All-Star

Blimp Extravaganza!

They see you!

And in this issue of Perfect Home
they featured my kitchen... [INHALES]

...done in a country
wackadoo theme. [CHUCKLES]

Look, the only thing I care less
about than your wacko kitchen...

-[GLASS SHATTERING]
-...is your nutso bathroom!

[GASPS] Well!

I wouldn't expect any less
from a man who drives a velvet car!

Oh. Wackadoo.

Heya, Moosie!
You shootin' up like a weed, tough guy!

Pepper Ann, out of the twelve families
I have Thanksgiving with,

yours is the coolest.

Are you kidding? This freak show?

Aren't you delicious! [GRUNTS]

-It is your destiny.
-It is your destiny.

[PANTS]

[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]

Hello?

-[FOOTSTEPS THUMPING]
-Steve the Cat?

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

-[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
-Have mercy!

Janie, are you all right?

-I think I may have twisted my...
-Uh-huh. Did you get the stuff?

Did I ever!

Butterscotch pudding.

There's not a single yam
in Nutoakseedwood county.

This is supposed to be
the next best thing.

Word in the aisles is you can't tell
the difference.

-[LASER sh**ting]
-[CRASHING]

Okay, Mr. Know-It-All Divorce Boy,
why isn't my dad here?

When my parents first got divorced,
I asked myself that very question.

But now look at me.

I go from house to house,

sampling the fine eats
with no strings attached.

Well, you know,
except for the one on my finger.

I don't even see my parents!
It's the perfect Thanksgiving.

Look, that may be perfect for you,

but I don't want to be a part
of your hobo holiday.

-LYDIA: Excuse me, everyone.
-[BELL RINGING]

Please adjourn to the dining room...

Where dinner will be served
in two shakes of a lamb's tail!

[CHUCKLES]

[STATIC]

No society vulture's gonna tell me
that Velcro ain't classy!

Well, not even a vulture
could stomach that bowl of toxins

-you call a salad.
-[FILM ROLLING]

Yams. Horrible. Horrible yams.

Where's the Fun With Fiber blimp?

Shh! They're about to blow
the Horn O' Plenty!

-[MARCHING BAND ON TV]
-Fumble, fumble!

-Look into our eyes.
-Look into our eyes.

-Join us.
-Join us.

Where is he?
He's going to miss the first course!

It's just part of the process.

See, first they visit a lot,
then they call a bunch,

-and then they start to forget.
-Forget?

[THUDDING]

CHUCK: Ow! Where am I?

Who am I?

-Do I have a daughter?
-MILO: No.

Not like amnesia.
Like, they have new lives now.

Don't worry, Peppie.
I know he hasn't forgotten about us.

-Peppie, I have a surprise for you!
-You do?

Well, you may have noticed an extra place
setting in the dining room this year...

-Yeah?
-Happy Thanksgiving, my little lady!

Welcome to the adult table!

MILO: They have new lives now...
new lives now... [ECHOES]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Charlie!

Didn't you gotta get somewhere
for Thanksgivin'?

CHUCK: And miss this fabulous party?
You must be joking!

By the way, I been meaning
to give this to ya.

I think ya dropped it
last time you was here.

CHUCK: Ah,
she's part of my old, boring life.

I do new and exciting things now.

Who's up for clogging?

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[DINERS LAUGHING]

But you've been asking to sit
at the adult table

since you were Moose's age.

-I thought you'd be happy!
-I guess I am.

Now, Peppie, on today of all days,
you should be thankful for...

-[BEEPING]
-JANIE: No!

[ALARM BLARING]

Watch your backs! Coming through!

-[SIZZLES]
-[CONTINUES BEEPING]

Possible spontaneous combustion!
Massive loss of stuffing!

-Vitals!
-Three hours at 650 Fahrenheit!

Is it going to be okay?

Someone get him out of here!
Give me 40 cc's of gravy to moisten! Stat!

-It's no use! We've lost it!
-Don't say that!

-We can scrape off the burnt part!
-It's all burnt part!

I warn them every year.

-[FILM ROLLING]
-Harry, are you getting this?

Oh, yeah.

[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]

If I hurry,
I can still make it to Nicky's.

Wanna come with?

[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]

Why not.

-[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-Yeah. Dad?

CHUCK: Hello, Princess!

You called!

CHUCK: Of course. I'm not going to miss
talking to my daughters on Thanksgiving!

Where are you?

CHUCK: Go get your sister
and turn on channel seven!

-But...
-[DIAL TONE]

-Come on, Moose! Dad wants us to watch TV!
-MOOSE: Okay.

Here comes the new
Miss Fresno Grape Queen!

Isn't she beautiful?

It's just that stupid parade.

SHERRIE:
And now we go to our eye in the sky,

who has been flying the Niceweek
blimp all day,

Captain Chuck Pearson!

[BOTH GASP]

SHERRIE: Captain Pearson,
you've been up there all day

bringing joy to so many.

Any special Thanksgiving wishes
of your own?

CHUCK: I'd like to wish
a Happy Thanksgiving

to my two daughters back in Hazelnut,

Pepper Ann and Moose!

Did he say Moose?

-Cool!
-Cool!

CHUCK: I'm so thankful
to have both of you in my life!

I'll see you at next week's visitation!
Love you, darlings!

See, Peppie?
I told you he wouldn't forget.

You think that grape queen
knows I love her?

Ah. That's your father.
Always the showboat.

-Happy Thanksgiving, girls.
-[MOOSE CHUCKLES]

-Happy Thanksgiving, Mom!
-Happy Thanksgiving, Mom!

Moose is a girl?
Then who's the kid with the hat?

Oh, who knows anymore.

Are we gonna eat or are you gonna
let an old woman starve to death?

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

Are you still coming with me?

Nah. I think I'll stick
with the freak show.

That's cool.

Milo, why don't you stay.
Man, you're the biggest freak I know.

-[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-You're not just saying that, are you?

Pepper Ann, telephone!

PEPPER ANN: Thanks, Uncle JoJo.

-Hello?
-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-[CHUCKLES] Hey, Nicky!

Yeah, wasn't it great?

Wait, wait, wait I've got another call.
I'll call you back.

-[BEEPS]
-Hello?

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-Hi, Tessa, hi, Vanessa.

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-Oh, yeah, we planned the whole thing.

-[MUFFLED GIBBERISH]
-Hey, hey, hang on, hang on.

-[BEEPS]
-Hello?

CRAIG: Hey, Pearson.

-[GULPS]
-CRAIG: Nice dad.

Thanks.

Who ordered the kung pao with anchovies?

-Janie, these yams are almost edible.
-[MUNCHES]

It's certainly the best dish
you've ever made.

Oh, tennis ba*ls!
I left my eatin' teeth at home again.

Gum it, Grandpa.

[ALL MUNCHING]

Thanksgiving's cool.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

-UNCLE JOJO: Happy Thanksgiving!
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

LEO: Happy Thanksgiving,
little Peppie Schmeppie.

HARRY: Hey! Happy Thanksgiving.

LEO: Happy Thanksgiving, Moosie,
little Moosie.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDING]