01x07 - Uniform Uniformity/Snot Your Mother's Music

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can Pepper Ann!

BOY: Who?

GIRL 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

GIRL 2: Oh. Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

All right. Kiwi lip balm.

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

PEPPER ANN:
Oh, not another boring assembly!

Are you crazy?
Assemblies are the shiny red pimento

in this olive loaf we call life.

-Wake me up if anyone trips.
-[INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER]

Uh-huh.

Attention students. Excuse me!

This is bedlam!

-Listen to me you lousy...
-[MIC SQUEAKS]

I'd rather, like, die than wear
my Day-Glo leopard print to... Oh.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I'm sure you're all wondering
why I've called you here.

-No, not really.
-[STUDENTS MURMURING]

In recent months, I've noticed a decline
in our learning atmosphere.

[BLOWS]

-Hope, however, is in sight.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

An experimental grant
from the Sanipaper Corporation

is allowing Hazelnut Middle School

to implement mandatory school uniforms.

[STUDENTS GASP]

-Why, why?
-[STUDENTS GASPING]

STUDENT 1: What about my mother's right

-to dress me?
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

-Prisoners wear uniforms, not students.
-Au contraire, Pepper Ann.

Many productive members of society
wear uniforms.

Soldiers, doctors, oddities
at science fiction conventions...

My clothing is my personality.
They want to turn us into clones,

dominate our every thought
and then the next thing you know it's...

Easy, Brave New Girl.

Assemblies present unique opportunities
to alter the course of our lives.

-You've just got to roll with the changes.
-Roll with your own change, chimpy.

This uniform thing bites.

Pepper Ann, wait, uniforms are proven
to facilitate learning.

[INHALES] Post-assembly chaos, Nicky,
can you smell it?

-The tides are turning.
-Did you shower today?

[SNIFFS]

[SLURPS]

Well, looks like someone's taking a tour
through Gloomyville!

Do you want to talk about it, Pun-kin?

PEPPER ANN:
No. There's nothing to talk about.

[SLURPS] It's fat free but so creamy.

It's just that my life is ruined.

Better go shred my clothes,
since I won't be needing them for school.

-They announced the uniforms then.
-You knew?

PTA isn't just a happening single's night,
you know.

-We do discuss school issues.
-But it's not fair.

And the worst part is,
there's just nothing I can do.

-But...
-Oh, Pepper Ann,

there's always something you can do.

[SCOFFS] Like what?

Oh. Like a protest! [GASPS]
There are so many varieties.

There's walk-outs and sit-ins
and hunger strikes and bake-offs...

Bake-offs? Really, Janie.

You can't just go charging into something
without knowing all the facts.

Think this thing through.

You just might find out
that you like uniforms.

Do not give in. Make your opinion known.

You are woman, Pepper Ann,
let them hear you roar! [GROWLS]

I'll do it.

I'll stand up to Principal Hickey.
Every kid in Hazelnut will be with me!

Join me in protest against
tyranny and injustice.

Be your own person,
not society's mannequin!

-Pepper Ann, what are you doing?
-They can't tell us what to wear!

Did you know that a school in Ohio
reported a 51 percent drop in fisticuffs

after implementing uniforms?

No uniforms! Say it with me!

No uniforms! No uniforms!

Like, uniforms will be the coolest?

It's a great way to hone one's
accessorizing skills for high school.

Hint, Hint.

Milo, fight the good fight with me!

Sorry, P.A.

Anything causing such a frenzied assembly
is okay in my book.

-No uni...
-[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

...forms.

-La, la, la, la.
-[WHISTLES]

LYDIA: [GASPS] Peppie?

-Mom?
-What are you doing here?

-Are you in trouble?
-Maybe. Are you?

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Have a seat.

Your mother is here to discuss her store
handling the uniform contract.

-[PEPPER GASPING]
-And your daughter is here

because I can't leave her out there
chanting and waving signs.

Peppie, you didn't!

Mom, how could you?

PRINCIPAL HICKEY:
Pearson, you should get to class.

We'll discuss your protest in detention.

Have a good day, Peppie.

And don't trade your peaches
for snack cakes again.

Mr. Hickey, I have one word for you.
Are you listening?

-Tunics.
-[GASPS, SCREAMS]

-Thanks a lot...
-Pepper Ann.

Pepper Ann,
you are the harbinger of comfort.

What have you done...

to Craig?

No!

But, Peppie, have you really thought
about why you don't want uniforms?

[EXHALES] Mom, you don't get it.
Uniforms rob me of my... Me!

Well, since when is your you
defined solely by your clothes?

-It's what's inside that counts.
-But, Mom!

Try the uniforms,
you just might like them.

Now, what do you think
of this taffeta? Too much?

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

Pepper Ann, isn't it great
how your mom designed the uniforms

so we can make them our own?

I feel like Jane Eyre, only happy.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah. It's great.

Finally, everyone's dressed
as well as I am.

-The uniforms are...
-The coolest.

-Your Mom's...
-The b*mb!

Well. Since everyone is here so early,

why don't we go ahead
and start the learning process.

[EXHALES] No way.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-STUDENT 2: Good idea, sir.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[SPEAKER BEEPING]
-PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Attention students.

I just wanted to express my happy surprise

at the success of our new uniform program.

Grades are up and truancies are down.

School has become
as uneventful and monotonous

as the rest of my miserable life.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Pearson. Cool specs.

[CHUCKLES]

-How long have I had these glasses?
-Eight months and six days.

You bought them the day
of the lice prevention assembly.

Okay. So, I've been wearing them
for a while,

but they are just now being noticed,

only in contrast to the uniforms.

I'm even more of an individual now!

Pepper Ann, what a delightful paradox!

A paradox? You mean a statement
that seems to contradict itself

but, nevertheless, is true?

Synonyms include, dichotomy,
oxymoron, and nondairy creamer.

You were paying attention
in English class?

I even took notes.

I knew this uniform thing would work out.

It's like I always say,
"Open minds, open doors."

With luck, things will stay this slow
and we'll be out of a job.

[GASPS]

Dare I dream. [COUGHS]

[GASPS] Principal Hickey,
I wanted to apologize for the other day.

-PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Not now, Pearson.
-But about the uniforms...

-I didn't think before I...
-I know how you feel about the uniforms.

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Everyone report
to the auditorium

for an emergency assembly.

-Emergency assembly...
-Nicky,

let us not forget that in July of 1776,
an emergency assembly was called

to found a little place
called the US of A.

-This is huge.
-Huh?

-STUDENT 3: You first.
-STUDENT 4: No, after you.

All right, students, settle yourselves.

Uh. Yes. Well, uh, then.

One week ago,
a grant allowed us to try out uniforms

here at Hazelnut Middle School.

[STUDENTS SIGHING]

But one brave redheaded girl
had the guts

to stand up in protest.

-It's auburn.
-Shh.

Students, I have seen the light.

I have to let you be yourselves,
make your own mistakes.

Therefore... [CHUCKLES]

...come Monday, uniforms will no longer
be allowed on school premises.

Thank you.

Yeah. Do the words “Go away”
mean anything to you?

[STUDENTS GASP]

[STUDENTS MURMUR, SOB]

Oh, no.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-STUDENT 5: If I see that person...
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Don't worry. I won't blow your cover.

What an assembly!

I gotta get a bootleg.

You, I am never listening to you again.

Just when I go rolling with this change,
they go and change it back.

Hey, I never said you only roll forward.

LYDIA:
You have to get out of the car someday.

I can't face anyone.
It was my fault the uniforms got banned.

You were right about everything, Mom.

Peppie, I'm proud of you.

There's nothing wrong with standing up
for your beliefs

as long as you keep an open mind.

You gave something new a chance

and discovered that your old mother
knows a thing or two about fashion!

-[LYDIA SNAPPING FINGERS]
-Stop snapping.

TRINKET: Isn't it great about the banning?

Now we can save our uniforms
to wear on dates.

So, you guys are happy
that the uniforms got banned?

[CHUCKLES] Like, duh! Now, we don't have
to waste these cool clothes on school.

[EXHALES] But I got them banned!

You should thank me.
I... I'm the brave red-headed girl!

Nice try, auburn.

Don't sweat it, P.A.

-The truth is out there.
-[SIGHS]

See, Milo? Told ya change was good.

MILO: You are so right.

You wanna bowl a few frames
instead of the usual game of Crunch Pod?

[LAUGHS] No.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Let 'er rip, you'll get your way

Let 'er rip, hear what I say!

Let 'er rip, Milo.

Let her rip la, la, la

-You will la, la, la, la...
-[CROWD GASPS]

Mom! What are you doing?

LYDIA: Oh, just groovin' to the beat, hon!
Oh, I really like this music of yours.

Come on, honey, shake a tail feather!

When life's faucet drips
And the plumber's a dip

There's no need to flip, let 'er rip!

The Flaming Snot rules!

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:
Hold on to your hormones, kids.

Flaming Snot is coming to our very own
Hazelnut Amphitheater!

[BOTH GASP]

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:
And tickets are going on sale right now!

And they just sold out!
But don't let that bother you, kids...

[SIGHS]

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: ...you probably
couldn't afford them anyway!

[HUMS]

There has to be a way
to see Flaming Snot, there has to!

Easy, groupie girl.

The concert's sold out and besides,
we both have the same amount of monies

which adds up to zero dollars
and no cents.

Gotta get money,
gotta get tickets, gotta think.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[EXHALES] I know.

I used to feel just as desperate
and powerless as you,

until Daddy bought the amphitheater!
Last ticket! Sorry.

MILO: [MUFFLED]
Let 'er rip, hear what I say!

PEPPER ANN: We're the most...

-[HUMS]
-PEPPER ANN: ...uncool people...

-[HUMS]
-PEPPER ANN: ...in this whole uncool town.

We're the second most uncool people
in this whole...

Now what's wrong?
Moms are for helping, ya know.

We're trying to get Snot tickets
but it's sold out

and even if it wasn't I couldn't afford it

if you gave me a ten-year advance
on my allowance.

See, I can help!
I've already got tickets to that concert.

This is not the time for one of your wry
and sardonic jokes, Mother.

-[GASPS]
-LYDIA: Let her rip

You will get your way

-Let her rip, hear what I say
-Let her rip, hear what I say

-How...
-Harry sent them!

[CHUCKLES] Harry sent them!
Well, that explains...

-nothing.
-Ah! Harry Schnitzer.

You didn't know
that's Mick Snot's real name?

[CHUCKLES] How would you? I was the one
who went to junior college with him.

You went to junior college with Mick Snot?

LYDIA: No, I went with Harry Schnitzer.

He wasn't Mick Snot
until after we graduated.

-Harry and I hung out...
-[MILO SMOOCHING]

...together, like you and...

Milo, stop kissing my shoes.
They're suede-ish.

So, you think any of your other friends
might like to go to the concert?

Maybe...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MICK: Let her rip, you'll get your way!

[SCREAMS]

MICK: Let her rip, hear what I say!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[GROANING] Last lousy ticket!
How'd those guys wind up up front?

They were selling food
on the side of the road.

Hey, Trinket!

Wanna look through my opera glasses?

[SCREAMS]

-Whoo! Cheerio, Hazelburg!
-[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

You're delicious!

-[GASPS]
-GUARD: Come with me. All of yous.

I knew these tickets couldn't be real,

but don't blame my mom,
she's old and uncool.

You don't have to use handcuffs, do you?
[SOBS] Why would my mother do this...

Hi, young rockers! Have a good time?

Just thought you might like
to say hello to Mick.

[SIGHS] Hello, luvs. Like the show?

[SCREAMS, CRIES]

But I'll take it
as a positive review then, shall I?

Oh, Harry, it was a great show.

Maybe not as good as your
Polyester Centipede tour in '78.

You were at Centipede '78?

Oh, honey, all us Snotheads were there.

One hundred legs, 100 cities!

Milo and I always argue about your lyrics
in "Let 'er Rip".

See, I think you're referring
to that deep place in your soul...

No, no. I just like to sing the word rip.

And I needed something that rhymed
with lots of stuff.

[WHIMPERS]

Peppie, Harry and I
are going out for a bite.

You are going out for a bite
with Mick Snot?

-WAITER 1: That's Mick Snot!
-WAITER 2: Who's with Mick?

-FEMALE VOICE 3: Is that Mick?
-FEMALE VOICE 4: [GASPING] Is that Lydia?

-FEMALE VOICE 5: Lydia!
-[CAR CRASHING]

PEPPER ANN: Why are they shopping here?

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-Those clothes aren't cool.

What's wrong with you people?
My mom isn't cool!

[SHEEP BLEATS]

PEPPER ANN: Can we talk for just a minute?

You know, that really doesn't look
very good on you.

Hey, have you got a mirror
anywhere in your barn?

Girls, I have some exciting news.

The Snots trashed the Motel 3,
it was just a publicity stunt,

so I invited Harry
to come and stay with us!

You mean Harry as in Mick Snot Harry?

Well, I thought you could bunk
with Moose for a while

and Harry could have your room.

-My room?
-Bunk?

Put that over there, no! There!
You clean this, I'll clean that!

Let's move it, chop-chop!

Oh, Peppie, it's just Harry.

Well, make yourself at home.
I'll see you all this evening! Bye!

Hmm.

Come on. I'll show you your room.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

-M... Mr. Snot?
-[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]
Oh, I'm sorry, didn't hear you.

-Oh. What's up?
-Wanna jam?

-MICK: No.
-Wanna throw rocks at the paparazzi?

-No.
-Want some water?

Oh, room temperature, luv.
If ya don't mind.

Anything else
makes me break out. [SHIVERS]

[SHIVERS]

Oh! I burned me tongue. See there?

MICK: Oh, I've never been in a room
this temperature.

[PANTS]

MICK: [SLURPING] Perfect.

Ya know, it's too bad it's too late
in the day for me to have any liquids.

I'll wake up all puffy, ya know.

Hi, all. So who's hungry?
Let's go out tonight, my treat!

Mom, can we go to Pizza Pit with Mick?

Everybody's gonna to be there, please?

Okay by me. Harry, you up for pizza?

[YAWNS]

Thanks, darling,
but I'm just gonna turn in.

It's, uh, 5:30.

Yeah, I know, I know, but if I don't get

No, no, you go, have a good time.

Oh, oh, oh. One more thing, luv.

I can't sleep
with any noise or sound, so, um...

Shh.

[WHISPERS] Go get your keys. Quietly.

-Oh, for the love of honey.
-[PEPPER ANN SHUSHES]

-This is ridiculous!
-PEPPER ANN: Be quiet.

MICK: You'll have to do better than that.

-I am not going to whisper, Peppie!
-Shh.

This is my house.

MICK: I can still hear you.

Oh... [MUFFLED]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-[SLURPS]
-[BOTH SHUSHING]

LYDIA: [CLEARING THROAT] Morning, Harry.

-[GASPS]
-LYDIA: How'd you sleep?

Oh, not good.

Those aren't foam pillows, are they?

-Hmm. I got such a crick.
-[CRACKS]

You look different.

Oh, because here I can relax.
I don't have to be on.

I mean, we're all friends, right?

Hey, is it chilly? Seems chilly to me.

I'm sure it's not just me though.
You feel it, don't you? It's brisk.

No soy milk? [GROANS]

I'm lactose intolerant.

I'm afraid of open places,
very short people... [SHIVERS]

...fur-bearing animals...

-[MEOWS]
-...talk about your gooseflesh.

He's afraid of cartoons and potpourri!

Oh, come on, P.A.

There's no way Mick Snot
is that big of a dip.

I'm telling you, he's not cool Mick Snot,
he's uncool Harry Schnitzer.

-Blasphemer!
-But it's the truth! I'll prove it.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] The horse that talks.

Are you coming in then?

[GROANS]

Would you excuse me a minute?

Please don't do that.

Okay, I asked you not to do that.
It's very tiring.

See, 'cause now I need to take
a little lie-down.

[GROANS]

Oh, for the love... Not this kind
of soy milk, this has corn sweetener.

Enough! Harry, sit down.

As an old friend,
I feel I should tell you,

get a grip!
You complain about everything!

Why should you, of all people,
act so miserable?

You're famous and successful,
and people love you.

Forgive me, Harry, but you have turned
into a precious, old fusspot!

I think it's time for you
to go back on the road.

No! [CRIES]

Harry, you've got to face life!

You gotta go out and live.

Harry, I release you.

-[HARRY SCREAMING]
-[CROWD SCREAMING, CHEERING]

You know, for all the hassle,
it was nice to see Harry again.

And it was nice being thought of as cool
for a little while.

But, Mom, you've always been sorta cool.

Cool enough for a mom anyway.

You know, you shouldn't worry so much
about being cool because,

well, first,
nobody is cool all the time.

Harry certainly showed us that.

And second, not worrying about being cool,
in fact, actually makes you cooler.

That is possibly the wisest thing
your mother has ever said.

You should write it down,
a pen, pen, you never have a pen!

LYDIA: [GASPING] Maybe you could even wear
something like this!

Forget the pen. Run for your life.

ANNOUNCER: And here's the latest single
from Flaming Snot,

called "Get a Grip!"

MICK: Get a grip, embrace your life!

Get a grip, get some kids and a wife!

Get a grip and quit your whining

You precious old fuss-pot!

Get a grip!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDING]