Ellen DeGeneres: For Your Approval (2024)

[bunniefuu]

If you have never seen Ellen

do stand-up live,

you are in for a treat tonight.

Two minutes.

...her first appearance

on network television.

Would you welcome Ellen DeGeneres.

Wouldn't it be great

if we could pick up the phone

and call up God and ask,

"Yeah, hi, God. This is Ellen."

"Ellen."

"DeGeneres."

"DeGeneres."

"W-What's so funny?"

"I never thought of that.

It does sound like that, doesn't it?"

My grandmother started walking

five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 today.

We don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen is on the fast track.

She's one of the top

female comedians on television.

Ellen's new sitcom

is a certifiable top-ten hit.

The real Ellen is putting

all that success and fame at risk.

Susan...

I'm g*y.

More than 36 million people

watched her coming-out episode.

Why did you think it was necessary

for you to come out?

Because it's okay.

Ellen finds herself

at the center of a storm of controversy.

Being accused

of going too far, too g*y.

When life gets you down,

you know what you gotta do?

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming

She may have pulled off

one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

The Ellen Show has become one

of the most popular shows in the world,

praised for delivering a daily dose of joy

with its unique mix of dancing, games,

talk, and millions of dollars

in audience giveaways.

Spreading laughter

seems to be working well

for the entertainer and comedian,

and she's showing no signs

of slowing down.

A few years ago, I started ending my show

by saying, "Be kind to one another."

Here's the downside, um,

I can never do anything

unkind ever now, ever.

Breaking news tonight.

Is the queen of nice

really the queen of mean?

Respond to this

with the most insane stories

about Ellen being mean.

She's not

the happy-go-lucky nice person...

Ellen DeGeneres

is under fire again

with accusations

of a toxic work environment.

Toxic. Phony. Hypocrite. Liar.

Things are spiraling.

Ellen DeGeneres...

DeGeneres... DeGeneres...

It's a breaking story

in the world of entertainment,

and this is great, great news.

Ellen is back.

Although, she's saying

this new special will be her farewell.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much.

It seems like you still care.

You know, I used to say that I didn't care

what other people thought of me.

I realize now, looking back, I said that

at the height of my popularity.

If I look older than when you saw me last,

it's because I'm older

than when you saw me last.

And also,

I stopped doing Botox and filler.

Yeah.

I used to do Botox back when I didn't care

what other people thought of me.

That's when I did it.

Such a waste of time

to worry about what people think of us.

Just a waste of energy.

We're just guessing. We don't know.

It's impossible to know

what people are thinking.

I walk out here tonight

and I'm hoping that you're thinking,

"This is marvelous.

I'm so happy to be here."

That is my hope, but...

Well...

Good.

But some of you could be thinking,

"Let's see how this goes."

Some of you may be thinking,

"Why is she doing this?

Does she owe back taxes?"

I'm here because I love doing stand-up.

I miss doing stand-up,

and I like making people happy,

and I do care what people think.

We all care what people think.

We can say we don't.

We can pretend we don't care.

All it takes is trying to parallel park

in front of a crowded outdoor caf.

Spot looks big enough.

You line it up the way you always do.

You pull in, cut it a little too close.

You're scraping the hubcap

the entire way along the curb.

Making a very loud noise.

Put it in drive, pull out. Try it again.

Now you've overcompensated.

You're sticking so far out,

you're blocking traffic in that lane.

Now you have a decision to make.

Do you have the confidence to pull out

and do it right this time?

Or do you do that back-and-forth,

back-and-forth, back-and-forth...

inching your way to the curb?

Knowing how long that's gonna take,

and people are watching.

The deep shame you feel

when you give up and drive away.

Even if you're meeting someone, you say,

"I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it."

And they're like, "You did.

I was sitting there, I was watching you."

"I started the chant."

It's funny how we can be embarrassed

all by ourselves in a car.

All by ourselves, for anything,

just any stupid reason.

Like, even if we just can't figure out

how to turn our windshield wipers off.

Which, to me, is one

of the most embarrassing things,

is driving a car when it's not raining

and the windshield wipers are going.

And it's because someone decided

to add a random one.

We had...

The windshield wiper situation was fine.

We had the fast mode for when

it's raining heavily, medium, light.

And then someone decided

we're just gonna wash away

the rain once in a while.

We don't need to see all the time.

And it's always a surprise

'cause you think the rain has stopped,

you've turned it off

and you're driving along,

and five minutes later,

you see this thing, like...

Then you're trying to fiddle with it,

trying to turn it off,

and you don't know how

'cause it's always different.

Sometimes it's on the end of the lever

on the steering wheel.

Sometimes there's a lever

within the lever, the baby lever.

Like the lever had a baby

and it's inside the lever right there.

Tiny baby lever.

You don't trust it

'cause you're just waiting...

Even if it's not going, you're like,

"It's gonna go again.

I know it. I feel it."

And then finally, it does, and then

you feel pretty confident about it.

Then you catch the rearview mirror,

your back one's been on the whole time.

Yeah.

That's what you did.

You turned that one on.

You turn that off,

turn everything back on again.

You have to sell your car.

There's so many extraneous things

in a car we don't need.

For instance, I have never used

my parking brake.

I've never parked my car and thought,

"I want it more parked than this."

There are things you need,

the seat adjustments.

Scoot forward. Lean back. You need those.

Then there's that one button

that inflates the back of the seat,

the one that makes you feel like you're

getting spooned by a pregnant woman.

"Oh boy."

"Ooh!"

"All right."

Apparently, it's for lumbar support.

Got to support your lumbar.

You got to.

It's all any of us knows about the lumbar.

It's got to be supported.

You don't get support for your lumbar

any place other than your car.

You don't even hear about the lumbar

anyplace else.

"Bill, what's wrong? What's happening?"

"It's my damn lumbar."

"I haven't been driving enough lately."

Mm.

That's how you walk

when your lumbar is out.

There are buttons in my car

I've never used, never will use.

There's a button with squiggly lines

next to a misshapen peanut.

I don't know.

I've never touched it.

I'm fine.

There's a button with tally marks next

to a sideways yarmulke. What the hell?

Don't get me started

on the dashboard lights too.

The dashboard lights

are not illuminated all the time.

So when they are,

it must mean something serious, right?

But "check engine"? That's vague.

I've checked it. It's there.

I shouldn't have to guess

from an exclamation point

between two parentheses

that my tire pressure is low.

But if my windshield wiper fluid is low,

all the words,

"windshield wiper fluid low."

"Oh, my God. Pull over!"

Just 'cause I don't know my buttons,

doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Just means I'm not interested.

We're all interested in different things,

all good at different things.

I was talking to someone and they said,

"I don't know how you get on stage.

I could never do that."

I said, "Well, I don't know

how you dry-clean clothes."

Clean clothes dryly.

And then you Martinize on top of that.

Some of you are in your twenties.

You don't know what Martinizing is.

No.

It's not my job to explain it to you.

Also, I don't know and I never have.

Yeah.

None of us do.

Let me catch you up on what's been

going on with me since you saw me last.

I got chickens.

Yeah.

Thank you. I love them so very much.

Chickens are the best bird

to have at home, I think so.

A lot of people think parrots,

but they're so gossipy.

You have to be really careful

what you say around them.

Chickens will never talk.

They have little personalities.

I've always wanted chickens.

Now I have them, they're so cute.

They see me. They recognize me when

I walk towards them, and they run to me.

I put a swing in there for them,

and they get on a swing.

Chicken on a swing. That's ridiculous.

I have a bench in there

and I go sit there,

and they sit on my lap,

and I pet them and they fall asleep,

and they give me an egg every day.

They lay an egg every day.

As someone who hosted a daily talk show,

I can really appreciate that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sure they're thinking,

"I just laid an egg."

I don't think

I can do that again tomorrow."

And yet, they do.

They're curious little animals too.

They're very curious.

Hey, you know how people always ask,

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

I think I know, now that I have chickens.

It's their innate sense of adventure.

I'm sorry to be just another comedian

going on and on about her chickens.

Another thing about chickens is that, um...

...they... they fly.

People think they're flightless birds,

and that is not true.

They do fly. The longest recorded

chicken flight is 13 seconds.

Isn't that amazing?

Someone thought to time that.

Yeah.

Also, chickens dream.

Scientists have discovered

that chickens dream.

Now listen, I love animals

more than anyone,

but we could take scientists

working on chicken dreams

and move them on over to climate change.

I'm not saying that chicken dreaming

is not worth studying, it is.

But we don't need our top minds on it,

I don't think.

I am curious. What do they dream about?

Probably the same things we do.

Probably flying.

But 14 or 15 seconds for them, you know.

Mm.

That's all for chickens.

Yeah.

Got to save some for the memoir.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me see what else I can tell you

about that has been going on.

Chickens...

Oh yeah,

I got kicked out of show business.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah, 'cause I'm mean. Yeah.

You can't be mean and be in show business.

No, they'll kick you out.

No mean people in show business.

I'm out.

Yeah, y'all heard I was mean.

Everybody heard that I was mean.

Everywhere I go,

I know everyone's heard that I'm mean.

I know when I walk into a restaurant,

people are watching,

waiting to see if I'll be mean.

"Do you think she'll be mean first

and then dance?"

"Look, she...

Oh, she's reaching for butter."

"I thought she was gonna hit somebody."

"All right, I'm gonna eat. You watch now."

That was a big story, huh?

That had some legs on it.

The first I heard about it,

I... I came across a headline that said,

"How Ellen DeGeneres became

the most hated person in America."

Now, I didn't see the other names

on the ballot, but I have to...

Yeah.

It's... It's an impressive title,

it really is. It's a...

It's a horrible thing to say

about somebody, and to make it worse,

there was no trophy,

no awards banquet, nothing.

Just the title, just, you know...

I made a sash at home

and I wore that around,

just to... to feel

like I had something, you know?

It was quite a shock to me

because for 17 years,

there were all these polls

basically saying I was one of the most

trusted people in the country.

There was a poll that asked people,

"Which celebrity would you most want

to babysit your child?"

And I was the number one answer.

Because when you think "good with kids,"

you immediately think childless,

l*sbian stand-up comedian.

Once they heard that I might be mean,

they didn't want me to babysit anymore.

So it wasn't all bad.

No.

I was in therapy for a while

trying to deal

with all the hatred coming at me,

and it was not a common situation

for a therapist to deal with.

My therapist said,

"Ellen, where do you get this idea

that everyone hates you?"

And I said, "Well, um, New York Times,

Washington Post,

Entertainment Weekly, Us Weekly."

"I think Elmo may have said something

recently on an episode of Sesame Street."

She said, "You just need to avoid

looking at the news, just avoid media."

And I was like,

"I am. I'm not looking at anything."

I would know when something was going on

because I'd start

getting text from friends saying,

"Thinking of you," or, "Sending love."

And I'd be like, "Oh."

"Why do I need love sent?"

"The 'be kind' girl wasn't kind."

That was the headline.

Here's the problem.

I'm a comedian who got a talk show,

and I ended the show every day

by saying, "Be kind to one another."

Yeah.

I know. It seemed like a good idea.

But I became a brand,

a one-dimensional character

who gave stuff away

and danced every day up steps.

Do you know how hard it was

to dance up steps?

Would a mean person dance up steps?

I don't think so.

Had I ended my show by saying,

"Go f*ck yourselves..."

...people would have been

pleasantly surprised to find out I'm kind.

I loved that show.

I loved everything about that show.

It was a family to me.

Here's something sweet.

Sixteen people who worked there

started out straight,

and by the time they left, were g*y.

Yeah.

You don't see Jimmy Kimmel

doing those kind of numbers.

You know what's funny,

is that when I first came out,

people were afraid that

watching my show would turn people g*y.

Which is ridiculous.

You have to work there.

You have to fill out a W-2.

And then, you turn g*y.

We had so much fun together at that show.

We laughed all the time.

We played games all the time.

I started a game of tag in, like, 2016

that we played all the way

till when the show ended

'cause I just loved playing games.

We played tag, and I would chase

people down the hallways,

I would chase them around the studio

and scare them all the time.

I would jump out, scare people

'cause I would love to do that, and...

Hearing myself say this out loud, I...

realize I was chasing my employees

and terrorizing them.

I can see where

that would be misinterpreted.

Well...

We had morning meetings

every morning in my office.

The producers would come in,

writers would come in,

and we'd talk about what

we were gonna do on the show that day.

And Andy Lassner

was one of my executive producers.

Yeah.

Uh, Andy is a very nervous man, and he...

Everything scares him.

He could drop his pen

and it would startle him.

He's just a nervous man.

And Alison was one of my writers

who was scared of snakes.

Anything snake-related.

So, sometimes,

before they'd come into my office,

we would hide rubber snakes

in a panel in the ceiling,

and I had a button that I could push

that would release the snakes down...

Again, hearing myself say this out loud...

But they liked it.

They did.

There are a lot of perks

with having your own television show.

Number one has to be

the ability to say to someone,

"We should have a panel

in the ceiling that releases snakes."

And then another adult says,

"Yeah, we'll get that started right away."

Scaring was just a big component

of the show.

We would... You know,

we started with scaring guests,

and I don't remember exactly

how it started.

It was some simple, like...

I think Chris Hemsworth, or some

big strong guy that was on the show,

we found out was scared of crickets.

So we had someone dress as a cricket

and sneak up behind his chair

when he was talking, and...

...you know,

make a cricket noise and scare him.

And then it just escalated.

We just decided to make it more surprising

to people, and, eventually,

we, uh, built a table that looked like

the table between me and the guest,

but it was actually a box where someone

could pop out and scare them.

But the guests got wise to that,

and if they saw that it was a box,

they would open it and look in the box.

So we built a tunnel

under the stage that went into the box...

so that when they checked it,

it was empty, and then they'd close it,

and somebody would crawl into the box

from underneath.

I was a very immature boss.

I didn't want to be a boss.

I didn't go to business school.

I went to Charlie's Chuckle Hut.

It looked like I was the boss.

The show is called Ellen, and everybody's

wearing T-shirts that say Ellen,

and there were buildings all over

the Warner Bros. lot that said Ellen.

But I don't think that meant

that I should be in charge.

I don't think that Ronald McDonald's

the CEO of McDonald's.

Everything I knew about being a boss,

I learned from movies.

And those were things like saying,

"Jenkins, my office, now!"

Or, "The name's Frank,

how the hell are you?"

But those were men bosses.

Women bosses

didn't come along for a while,

not till around the time

of Martinizing, I think.

No.

But men bosses

and women bosses are different.

Like, a woman boss couldn't say,

"Jenkins, my office, now."

A woman boss would have to use more words.

A woman boss would have to say

something like,

"Excuse me, Jenkins.

I don't want to bother you."

"If you're not too busy,

could you step into my office real quick?"

"I just have to talk to you for a second.

Thank you so much."

'Cause women are raised

in a different way.

At least I was.

I was raised to be a people pleaser.

I was taught, when I was a little girl,

to be small and quiet and agreeable.

And it's crazy

what I've done with my life,

'cause I'm exactly the opposite

of how I was raised to be.

Yeah.

Most women aren't raised with confidence.

We just aren't.

We're too self-conscious,

which is why you rarely

see a woman playing air guitar.

I love how they make it like it's hard.

Like something's happening there.

Men can get away with acting out things

that aren't actually happening

and not look crazy, somehow.

A man, in the middle of nowhere,

and for no reason,

can practice an imaginary golf swing.

Just...

"Oh, no, I'm not in line."

"I'm just waiting for my latte.

You go ahead."

Men'll jump up and see

if they can slap the top of a doorframe.

I've never had that urge.

"I wonder if I could hit that?"

"Tiffany, hold my purse.

I'm gonna give it a try."

"I couldn't do it! I didn't.

Give me my purse. I didn't do it."

Good.

We have all these unwritten rules

based on gender, of acceptable behavior,

of who we're allowed to be

and how we're allowed to act.

If we don't follow those rules,

it makes people uncomfortable.

When people get uncomfortable,

there are consequences.

For those of you keeping score,

this is the second time

I've been kicked out of show business.

Yeah.

Kicked me out before

'cause I told them I was g*y.

No g*y people in show business.

No.

They'll kick you out.

Can't be g*y and be in show business.

Eventually, they're gonna kick me out

a third time for being old.

Mean, old, and g*y. The triple crown.

I knew it was a risk

to tell people I was g*y

'cause I knew a lot of people

didn't like g*y people.

If they did,

we wouldn't have needed the parade.

Listen, we don't like all of you either,

but we don't make a big thing about it.

Most of us get into this business

because we didn't get enough love

or attention as a child.

So we go into a business that depends

on people liking us to be successful.

What's wrong with us?

For me, it was never about the money.

It was about healing my childhood wounds.

I thought if I could make people happy,

then they'll like me.

And if they like me,

I'll feel good about myself.

And all I can say about that is,

"Thank God for the money."

'Cause it's a fickle business.

They liked me for a long time.

I was on a sitcom, I made them laugh.

They liked me, then I told them

I was g*y, and they didn't like me.

Then I got a talk show,

and I gave them TVs and cars,

and I danced, and they liked me.

Then they heard a rumor I was mean,

they didn't like me.

So it's been a real test for my ego

and my self-esteem

because there's such extremes

in this business.

There are people who love you

and idolize you,

and then there are people who hate you,

just really loudly hate you.

So, sometimes, I long for my childhood,

when I just had

good old-fashioned neglect.

What was wrong with that?

It's been two years since the show ended

and it's been an adjustment,

because for 19 years,

I drove onto the Warner Bros. lot,

passed a giant billboard of my face.

So the first thing I did was

I had a giant billboard of my face

installed on my lawn,

so I saw that when I drove in.

Yeah, then I put an "applause" sign

in the dining room,

and that's helping also.

But, really, I've only known myself

working for 40 years.

That's all I've done, is work.

So I didn't really have a lot of free time

and didn't have hobbies.

Now there's a lot of free time,

so I'm trying to figure out

what to do with that.

So I got the chickens, remember?

I don't know if you...

Yeah.

I decided to take up gardening

'cause everybody talks about gardening

and how great gardening is.

It's not.

No.

It's really not.

I got the overalls

and the tool belt and the hat.

I looked adorable. I did.

But I find once you put the plants

in the ground, you're no longer gardening.

You're just waiting, you know?

I tell people I grew these strawberries,

but at best I was just there

when it happened.

It's the sun and the sprinklers

that should take the credit.

I'm more like the strawberries'

godmother showing up on its birthday.

"Look how big you're getting."

"See you at Christmas, maybe."

It is relaxing to be out there, though.

Mainly 'cause the garden gloves make it

impossible for me to look at my phone.

Yeah.

Sometimes, I'll put the garden gloves on

and go inside and lay down.

Yeah.

It's just as relaxing, really.

My garden gloves and my sweatpants...

I live in sw... When I'm at home,

I just wear sweatpants.

I don't understand people

who don't just wear sweatpants at home.

Like, what's the point, you know?

Yeah.

I take off my going-out clothes.

I take those off,

put on my staying-home clothes.

Once I'm in my sweatpants,

I'm not leaving. Not leaving the house.

A few weeks ago,

a friend of mine texted me, and he said,

"Would you like to come over

for a last-minute dinner party for Mick?"

As in Jagger.

Now, I've never met Mick Jagger,

and I would love to meet Mick Jagger,

but I was in my sweatpants already,

and I was not leaving.

That's what I told him,

and he could not believe

that was the reason I wasn't going.

I guess most people

would make something up

because it is a ridiculous reason,

and I know that, but it was the truth.

You know? And, you know,

people say honesty is the best policy.

I don't know why they say that.

It's only the best policy

if it's something

you want to hear, really.

Like, there are certain

degrees of honesty.

If you tell someone

there's something stuck in their teeth,

they don't love that, but they kind of

appreciate that and they'll take that.

But as soon as you tell someone that all

of their stories should be 50% shorter...

Yeah.

...you lose 100% of their friendship,

is what happens.

People say it's hard to tell the truth.

For me, it's hard not to tell the truth.

Which is why it was really difficult

for me to keep my sexuality a secret,

because I felt such guilt

for not being honest about who I was.

I felt shame for how society

was making me feel.

I felt fear for what would happen

to my career if I did come out.

Ultimately, I decided it's more important

for me to be honest about who I am.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They say, "The truth will set you free,"

and it did.

I was free for three years.

Nobody would hire me.

Truth will make you broke.

People lie so much these days,

they really do.

You can tell,

because they make such a big deal of it

when they're telling the truth.

They'll say things like,

"Well, to tell you the truth..."

or, "If I'm being honest..."

If you're being honest?

I prefer it the other way around.

"Listen, I'm gonna lie to you here."

"That lasagna was phenomenal."

Most people tell me

that they appreciate my honesty

because they know

where they stand with me,

but someone did suggest that I get tested

to see if I'm on the spectrum.

And, uh, I'm not on the spectrum.

And I wouldn't care

if I was on the spectrum, but I'm not.

Well, I am on the spectrum.

We all are. It's a spectrum.

I'm on the part of the spectrum

where someone on the spectrum

would have a problem with me saying

I'm on the spectrum, so...

Yeah, that's right.

But I may have OCD

because a therapist said so.

And I said, "Yes, I am very organized,"

because I thought that was the "O."

I didn't know what OCD was.

I was raised in a religion,

Christian Science,

that doesn't acknowledge

diseases or disorders.

So, when I was growing up,

nobody talked about anything.

There was no discussion of anything.

I look back now, and I realize

my dad for sure had OCD.

He would check the doorknob

15 times before we would leave.

He would check the faucet 15 times.

He would unplug all the appliances

before we left the house

because lightning could strike,

and it would catch fire.

They say it could be hereditary.

So I went home and I asked Portia,

I said, "Do you think I may have OCD?"

And she said, "Yes, you do."

Barely got that sentence out, really.

It's funny, I've never thought

of myself as obsessive.

I think of myself as careful,

and everyone else

careless and out of control.

I asked her what I obsess about,

and she said, "You obsess about time."

And that is true. I don't like to be late.

I like to be on time.

So, sometimes, that makes us early.

This is the example she said

I should share with you.

I, um...

There are many,

but this is the one she said.

Usher was having an after-party

for the Grammys one year,

and we got there so early,

it was just us and the staff.

Yup.

Yup.

We helped place candles on tables.

I invoiced him $200.

These are my confessions.

I just don't know why the invitation

says a certain time for a party to start,

and then everyone goes

an hour or two later.

People seem to think that 6:00 means 7:00,

7:00 means 8:00, 8:00 means 9:00.

9:00 means nothing to me,

'cause I'm not going.

9:00.

Who starts something at 9:00?

Anyway, I obsess on time,

and, uh, I obsess on animals.

I know I obsess on animals

'cause I love them too much.

Like, way too much.

I think about how they see things

and what they feel and what they think.

And I worry about butterflies

in rainstorms, and how delicate they are,

and how their little tiny feet

are holding on to a blade of grass,

trying to...

Winds blowing...

The rain is happening

on their little tiny wings...

Saturating their wings,

and their feet holding...

Especially if it's a butterfly.

What if it's his first day, and they're,

like, "Is this life? This is horrible."

Ooh...

"I should have stayed

a caterpillar."

The monarch butterfly, think about that.

How crazy is that story?

You know the story.

I don't have to tell you.

But I will. The little tiny caterpillar...

I mean, how does it even

make it past the caterpillar stage?

It's a larva, and then that

somehow gets into a caterpillar.

And a caterpillar just...

And somehow, it just knows instinctively

it's time for that part

of its life to change.

"That's done. I'm gonna put

myself into a chrysalis."

And then it turns into liquid somehow.

And then it becomes a butterfly

flying for the first time.

And it looks drunk and confused,

the way they, you know...

And they make it to Mexico that way.

I don't know how.

The butterfly is beautiful,

and people talk about the butterfly,

but the butterfly wouldn't be

the butterfly without the caterpillar.

I mean, the deep knowing

that that caterpillar has.

Its only perspective

is crawling on the ground

and it's looking

at other crawling things saying,

"I'm gonna fly someday."

"And I'm gonna go to Mexico."

And they're like, "No, you're not."

"And what's Mexico?"

But I don't know if we really fully

appreciate what that metamorphosis is.

The fact that it's a caterpillar,

it knows to change

and becomes this other thing entirely.

That's genius. It's brilliance.

And the octopus, the octopus

being able to change texture and shape

and form and color instantaneously,

depending on what it's on.

That's genius.

A colony of ants or of bees,

the way they communicate,

and there's no chaos

between all of those things.

Everything in nature is living up

to its full potential.

But I am so disappointed in pigeons.

What happened to them?

I mean, pigeons,

they have built-in GPS in their beaks.

And they can fly for hundreds of miles.

In World w*r II, they saved lives.

They were taking messages from generals

to other generals and saving lives.

There are pictures of them

in the newspaper with medals,

not pinned, but around their necks,

that they received for what they did

in World w*r II, and now look at them.

Just pecking at old gum

in filthy alleyways and parking lots.

They could be anywhere.

I would feel sorry for them,

but they made a choice.

I mean, they barely fly anymore.

They... They're just, uh, filthy.

And even if a car is coming,

they don't even fly to get out of the way.

"All right. Okay, all right. Okay!"

"All right. Okay, okay, all right. Okay!"

Sometimes, it looks like

they're gonna do something important.

You'll see a bunch,

and they all get up at once.

Again, that kind of communication.

All of them get up at once, they fly,

and they just go in one big circle,

and they go right back to where they were.

God, you guys.

Not living up to their potential.

I rescued a pigeon one time.

I'll rescue anything.

I've always tried to save animals

my whole life.

But I saw a one-legged pigeon

on the street near where I lived,

and I took it home because I knew

it wasn't gonna make it on the street

and I didn't know how to take care of it.

I mean, never had a pigeon,

so I just threw gum and trash down...

...dirt, thinking that's what it eats.

You know, because I've never seen it...

It didn't make it.

I'll rescue anything. I really will.

And if I see a sign of someone

posting a cat or a dog missing,

when they post those pictures,

I will drive around

and I will try to find that animal.

And it's not just for the reward money.

It's not.

No.

I rescued a dog one time.

I was driving,

and I see this dog all by itself,

and I get out of the car,

and it's soaking wet.

I'm like, "Oh my God,

what happened to you?"

Take it home, dry it off,

stays with me for the night.

Put out posters the next afternoon.

Get a call from the people saying,

"Thank God. Where did you find it?"

And I told them, and they said,

"That's where we live."

Yeah.

They said, "We had just given it a bath,

and we put her on the lawn to dry out."

It was pretty close to the sidewalk

when I saw it.

Anyway, I obsess on things.

I have ADD,

and I blame the talk show for that

because for 19 years, I was talking

to people in five-minute segments.

When I'm at a party and someone's

talking to me longer than five minutes,

I have the urge to say,

"I'm sorry, we have to take a break."

Parties are hard for me.

Parties are very hard for me.

People are wanting to talk and stuff, and...

They always talk

about books they're reading.

I don't read. I want to.

I try to read, but my ADD

makes it really hard for me.

As much as I try to focus on the words,

I end up thinking about

a sandwich I had earlier that day.

Moby d*ck, for me,

is two pages about a whale

and 425 pages about me wondering if I

should grow my hair out or keep it short.

I've had it short for a while.

I should try to grow it out, probably.

Maybe to my shoulder-length

or something like that.

Not much longer than that.

I wonder how long that would take, though?

I should probably keep it short, I think.

That's better.

Why not try something different, though?

I should.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's done.

Yeah.

Yeah, my ADD makes it really hard for me

to sit down and focus on anything at all.

Like, do you know how hard it was

for me to put this together?

Of course you don't.

Why would I ask that question?

Why do people ask people questions

they know they don't have the answer to?

Why do people say,

"Guess what I did yesterday?"

Do I have to? Is it a game?

Is there a prize? I don't want to.

"You'll never guess what I did yesterday."

You're right, I won't. I won't.

Probably not. Unless it's something

really average, like you had lunch.

You said I'll never guess,

so it's probably something weird,

like you got a chinchilla

and named it "Stewart." I don't know.

So it's hard for me to focus,

and I get, like...

When I was thinking about pigeons

and how disappointed I was in them,

I was... I remembered that I had rescued

the pigeon 'cause I'd forgotten.

I was like, "Yeah, I rescued

that one-legged pigeon."

And when I wrote down "legged,"

I did the hyphen thing,

and I thought, "leg-ged" or "legged"?

Is it "legged"?

"One-leg-ged"?

"One-legged" pigeon or "one-leg-ged"?

It's not "one arm-med."

You don't "one arm-med." Armed.

But it's two Gs, so "leg-ged"?

You don't go, "I beg-ged for food."

No. You don't stay, "I got mug-ged."

It's "leg-ged." Or "legged."

"One-leg pigeon." "One-legged"?

"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."

"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon"?

"One-leg-ged pigeon." A one-leg...

"One-leg-ged." "One-leg pigeon."

"One-leg-ged" pigeon.

So, I have ADD. I have OCD.

I'm losing my memory.

But I think I'm well-adjusted

because I obsess on things

but don't have

the attention span to stick with it,

then I forget what I was

obsessing about in the first place.

So it takes me all the way around

to being well-adjusted, I think.

Yeah.

I'm very impatient.

That is a problem for me.

I'm very impatient.

It's hard for me to live in the moment.

We're supposed to live in the moment.

But every moment...

Eh...

The spiritual teacher Ram Dass

wrote a book called Be Here Now.

I'd like to write one for people

with ADD and call it,

Yeah, but What's That over There?

There are all these books out there

telling us how to live,

telling us why we're here.

'Cause why are we here, really?

I mean, obviously, to gossip

and make fun of each other

on the internet, but why else?

These things I think about

now that I'm older.

I'm 66 years old, and I...

Thank you.

That's how you know you're old,

you get the applause.

You don't get it when you're 30,

or even in your 50s.

It starts around 60.

So I don't like the word "old."

I think it's a bad word.

It just sounds bad. "Old."

"Is that bread still good?"

"No, that's old."

"Old."

And I don't feel old.

The only time I feel old

is when I'm in a restaurant

trying to read a menu.

That is the only time I feel old.

Yeah.

You know all the reasons.

It's like, too dark in there.

It's always too dark.

And the way they think they're gonna help,

they put a tealight candle on the table.

Which does nothing. I blow it out.

I just blow it out and, "Oh, okay."

You're gonna light it again?

All right, I'm just gonna...

Because it doesn't do anything.

That's why.

Why are you lighting...

Okay, I'll do it again.

I'm just gonna put it in my pocket.

How about that?

You can't see.

And if you put your flashlight

on your phone to try to read the menu,

that just automatically says, "Old."

That's just...

That's... They should come

with a sound effect.

When you put the flashlight on...

"Old!" It should just be "Old!"

And even if you can see,

the print is so small.

I don't know who is printing these menus,

but the print is so tiny.

It's like they're using a jeweler's loupe

to make the font. It's tiny, tiny font.

You can't read it.

I'm like, "Can you see that?"

"Does that say 'tortilla' or 'trampoline?'

What does that say to you?"

"I can't see anything. Yeah."

"Hi. Okay, I'll go ahead and order.

"I'm gonna get the pasta with stem cells."

They have a children's menu. They should

have a larger-print menu for older people

with a bendy light so you can see it.

Or, even better, they should

come out in audiobook.

A menu could be an audio...

Meryl Streep reads The Cheesecake Factory.

"Pancakes."

I don't do

impressions, that's...

"Pancakes."

When you're this age, the doctors start

asking you to come in for checkups.

Even though there's nothing wrong

with you, they just want to see you.

It's a scam.

They're just looking for stuff.

They ask you all kinds of personal stuff.

"How many drinks per week do you have?"

First of all, it's none of your business.

Second of all,

I'm gonna lie to you here. Three.

"Drinks per week."

How about I start with "per day"

before I do that math, okay?

"Carry the two."

They just look for stuff.

My doctor said, "When's the last time

you had a bone density test?"

And I said, "A what?"

"Bone density test." I said,

"I've never had a bone density test."

"Well, at your age, you should get one."

I said, "Why? I'm in good shape."

"No, you should get one at your age."

So I got the stupid bone density test.

I'm off the charts.

Below it.

I have full-on osteoporosis.

I don't even know

how I'm standing up right now.

I'm like a human sandcastle.

I could disintegrate in the shower.

I have to take that Prolia shot

every six months.

Remember the commercial

where the woman's walking

and a kid darts out

on the skateboard or something... "Whoa!"

"Whoa!"

That's me.

It's hard to be honest about aging

and seem cool.

Hey, if you got arthritis in your knee,

make some noise!

Oh!

Me, too.

I just had excruciating pain one day,

and I thought

I tore a ligament or something.

I got the MRI, and they're, like,

"No, it's just arthritis."

I said, "How'd I get that?"

He goes, "It just happens at your age."

All these things just happen at your age.

It's around the time

you start watching Wheel of Fortune.

Yeah.

There's no buildup, you just find yourself

sitting there enjoying it one day.

"That's a pretty gown Vanna's wearing."

The prizes are tricky on there, I find.

I think they really are.

I had a 20-minute conversation

about this the other day.

If you land on the dollar amount,

the $300, or the $1,500,

you get that, right?

But if you land on the car.

Honk, honk! Half a car, by the way.

You're trying to land

on the million dollars,

that's what you want.

But the million dollars

is sandwiched in between two bankrupts.

If you freeze-frame it,

you'll notice that the bankrupts

are a little bit larger

than the sliver of the million dollars.

You'll see when you freeze-frame it,

it's just...

When you land on it,

you're like, "I got a million dollars!"

But no, you don't.

You have to have so many other things

that line up to get that,

which I was telling myself

when Portia walked in

and said, "Who are you talking to?"

Another thing that happens when you age,

you just start talking to yourself.

I'd probably be doing this exact

same thing right now if you weren't here.

Aging is very interesting.

Aging is tough on its own, but aging...

Then you have aging parents, which

a lot of people are dealing with now,

which is really, really tough.

My father is no longer with us.

Well, he was never with you, um...

My mother has dementia now, and, um...

which is a horrible disease.

And so many people

are dealing with it right now.

My mother is lucky in the sense

that she doesn't know she has it.

So she's actually happy.

She's really happy.

She's in a really nice place.

I have her in, uh... a facility that...

They have a lot of activities

to keep them stimulated.

There's painting,

and arts and crafts, and bus rides,

and different things that happen, um...

I don't know whose idea this was,

but someone booked a magician.

He...

He was so excited to be there.

He was wearing a tuxedo that fit him

at one point in his life, and...

he's sitting, and he's got a table.

Thirteen women

in different stages of dementia, and...

"Pick a card."

Eh?

"I can't see it. What is it?"

"It's a queen of hearts."

"No, don't tell her.

I want you to look at it, and just..."

"You just look at that

and remember it, okay."

"All right."

"Put it back in the deck now."

He goes through the whole thing.

"Is this your card?"

"No." "Yes, it is!"

"Yes!"

"That's your card!"

"No."

"You picked that card. Put it back in."

Oh, he got so mad. He just...

He didn't even have to do anything.

He could have left the room and come back.

"Oh, a magician!"

You know, they would have been like...

God...

It's always interesting

having a conversation with her.

You never know what you're gonna get.

And not too long ago, she said,

"You didn't go to college, did you?"

I said, "No."

She goes, "That's a shame.

I would have been so proud of you."

I said, "Well, I think I did okay."

"I had that show you liked.

Remember the show?"

"Yeah, I still watch it every day."

I said, "No, I don't think so, um..."

"Yeah, I watch it every day."

I said, "No, it's not on anymore."

And she goes, "Then, who am I watching?"

"Kelly Clarkson. Judge Judy.

I don't know."

"Well, yesterday's was very good.

It was the best one yet." Okay.

You know, I realize now that my whole life

was wrapped up in that show,

and my mother's whole identity

was being Ellen's mom.

And now I don't have a show,

and she doesn't know she's my mom.

She just thinks I'm a nice lady

that visits her.

Although, there's a good chance

she thinks I'm Kelly Ripa, but...

But she's happy,

and that's all that matters.

And I'm happy too.

Uh...

Yeah.

I'm happy not being a boss or a brand

or a billboard, just a person.

Just a multifaceted person

with different feelings and emotions,

and I can be happy and sad

and compassionate or frustrated.

I have OCD and ADD.

I'm honest. I'm generous.

I'm sensitive and thoughtful.

But I'm tough and I'm impatient

and I'm demanding.

I'm direct. I'm a strong woman.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'm proud of who I've become.

When you're a public figure,

you're open to everyone's interpretation.

I'm sure you've heard the saying,

"What other people think of me

is none of my business."

People will say all kinds of things,

and you have no control over that.

But you know the truth,

and that's all that matters.

But that is easier said than done

because being in this business,

I have had to care what people think.

Because being a comedian or a host,

it's our only real currency for success.

If they like you, you're in,

and if they don't, you're out.

And I've spent an entire lifetime

trying to make people happy,

and I've cared far too much

what other people think of me.

So the thought of anyone

thinking that I'm mean

was devastating to me,

and it consumed me for a long time.

But with time, you gain perspective,

which is one good thing about aging.

It doesn't totally make up

for arthritis and brittle bones, but...

But with perspective,

you realize that caring what people think,

to a degree, is healthy.

But not if it affects your mental health.

So after a lifetime of caring,

I just can't anymore.

So I don't.

But, if I'm being honest...

...and I have a choice of people

remembering me as someone who is mean,

or someone who is beloved.

"Belove-ed"? "Beloved"?

Beloved. Someone who is beloved?

Someone who is "belove-ed." Beloved.

"Beloved-ed." Someone who's beloved.

Someone who is "beloved-ed."

Someone who is beloved.

I choose that.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you. Have a seat.

Thank you so much. Wow.

Wow.

Well...

Wow.

Um...

First of all...

First of all, that was just, um,

unbelievably beautiful, and, um...

You know, there is just nothing better

than being surrounded

by endorphins and joy,

and we don't get that that often now,

and this was beautiful tonight.

This was absolutely...

I, um...

I had no intention of doing a special.

I had no intention of doing

anything ever again after the show.

And I really, uh...

I didn't think I'd ever

find the funny in it.

And the fact that I have been

able to travel and do this

and see the love and support

that is still there for me,

which I didn't know I had.

Um...

It is...

It's been... It's been beyond healing

to say the words every night,

to-to feel the support and the love.

And so I am so glad I got to do this.

I'm so glad I got to say

goodbye on my terms,

and I can't thank you enough.

Um...

This is a night I will always remember.

And, uh, I... I just... I just...

Thank you.

And I just want to bring my wife out here

'cause it's our anniversary.

She's crying...

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm taking my freedom

Pulling it off the shelf

Putting it on my chain

Wearing it around my neck

I'm taking my freedom

Putting it in my car

Wherever I choose to go

It will take me far

I'm living my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Livin' my life like it's golden

Golden

I'm taking my own freedom

Putting it in my song

Singing loud and strong

Groovin' all day long...