Astro Blaster!
And the Beavermen, aah
McCreary
with the song of the summer,
"Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen."
Still playing
at a theater near you.
Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man.
That creepy old preacher guy
looks like my stepmom.
Sunday morning,
Whispering Woody on Z-100.
Here all day.
Can't do Hands Across America,
but that does not mean
that I can't hand you
two tickets
to see Major m*rder defend
his intercontinental
championship title.
Worldwide wrestling coming
to the Brendan Byrne Arena
in New Jersey.
The 100th caller wins.
Rocking
at the speed of light
The hot rockin' Z! Z-100!
China Taste.
Yes. Can I get, uh,
some General Tso's chicken,
please?
Sorry, no Tso's.
No Tso's?
Did the chickens escape?
No, we're still doing breakfast
for the next hour.
Breakfast?
Then can I get
two scrambled eggs?
- Toast or fruit?
- Ew.
Toast. Burn that fruit before
somebody eats it on accident.
Absolutely no fruit.
Anything else?
Can I get an orange juice?
Never fruit,
but somehow OJ's okay.
Uh, and a pork roll,
egg and cheese.
Bagel with cream cheese
and any other cheese
you sees, please.
He's a poet
and he didn't even know it.
Anything else?
Yes.
Six and a half almond cookies
and your hand in marriage.
Who is this?
Well, it's not Brian David.
That guy's a pud.
He... he sure is.
I haven't heard from you
in a long time, Brian David.
- What are you doing?
- Calling Melody Barnegat
and I'm making
a Morton's jelly donut.
Toaster oven or microwave?
I don't have a toaster oven
or a microwave, Richie Rich.
Jesus. Do you guys have
a robot maid
in your mansion,
Miss Millionaire?
Shut up. Did you really call
to order all this food?
No.
I was calling to talk to you.
Oh, yeah? Why?
Uh...
Was wondering...
Do you wanna go
to the movies with me today?
You can--
You can totally say no.
Okay.
Uh, s-seriously?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, hold on one second.
Cool.
Yeah, anything
but Poltergeist 2.
Uh, because Tobe Hooper
didn't direct?
- Who?
- The guy who directed
The Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre.
He made the first Poltergeist
even though most people think
it was Spielberg.
You sure know a lot
about movies.
But I can't see
Poltergeist 2 with you
because I'm supposed
to go with my mom.
Your mom? Why?
Oh, first one's like
her favorite movie ever.
She says it's because
she likes ghost stories,
but I know she's lying.
Why would your mom lie
about Poltergeist?
My aunt was drunk one night
and she said that when my mom
was in eighth grade,
she went to the school dance
with the guy
who plays the dad
in Poltergeist.
So that's why she likes
the movie so much.
Oh, my gosh. She probably gave
Craig T. Nelson a hand job.
I'd be so mad
you said that right now
if I wasn't so impressed
you remember the guy's name.
You sure know a lot
about movies.
I know there's a movie
you and me gotta go see
that your mom will love.
"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout,
Willis?"
Remember when we were
in the pool last summer?
Do you wanna touch 'em?
Uh, you mean...
when I almost
let you get to second?
Well, yeah,
but this was right before that.
- Marco.
- Polo.
- Marco.
- Polo.
Marco.
Why do you wear
your shirt in the pool?
Because my t*ts
are bigger than yours?
You should take
your shirt off in the pool,
just one time.
You should take
your shirt off everywhere,
all the time.
You're so funny.
All short people are funny.
It's too loud.
I'm reading.
Mom, tell Brian David
he's not short.
How about I tell him to get off
my daughter instead?
He's not on me.
I'm on him.
Get off that boy
or the only thing you'll be on
is punishment.
Uh, what are you reading,
Mrs. Barnegat?
Bucklick.
Holy sh*t! Your mom
just called me a butt-lick!
She said "Bucklick",
with a K.
It's-- it's a book series
my mom loves
about a wisecracking detective
whose name is U.B. Bucklick.
You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick.
You be a butt-lick.
Do you wanna touch 'em?
I totally shoulda touched 'em.
You totally shoulda.
It's, like, the biggest mistake
I ever made. Shh.
So why didn't you?
Well, I wanted you to think
I was a nice guy.
I did think
you were a nice guy
until you stopped calling me.
Well, I'm calling you now
because there's
a Bucklick movie,
and we totally gotta go
see it together.
No way. They made
a Bucklick movie?
Ch'yeah, uh,
they-they showed
a preview for it
when I saw Top g*n.
It looks really funny,
and it's playing in Atlantic.
Wait, then we gotta go.
Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up.
What time's Bucklick?
There's a 2:15 show.
I can't do 2:15.
I get off at 2:00
and then I need to go home
and shower before I go out
because I smell like
an egg roll.
Uh, we could go
to the next show at 4:30.
We could, couldn't we?
We should, shouldn't we?
"Could", to "should".
Wow. You move fast.
Except in the pool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you wanna go?
Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.
Sweet. Then I'll see you
at the 4:30 movie,
Melody Barnegat.
I'll see you at the 4:30 movie,
Brian David.
B-Bye.
There is a God.
Off to get the new Starlog.
It's kind of brisk out.
A very unassuming day.
Nothing fantastic happening.
Morning, Cookie.
Mr. B.D.
Uh, you on the schedule today?
Nope. I'm gonna go
sit on the dock
and read the new Starlog,
then I'm going to the movies.
Man, you and your movies.
sh*t's not real, you know.
Like that movie E.T.?
That never happened.
That movie Conan?
Never happened.
That movie Gandhi?
sh*t never happened.
I'm pretty sure
Gandhi happened.
Well, that sh*t happened
for three hours,
so I stopped watching it.
You heard that new
Run-D.M.C. album?
- Fresh.
- Super fresh, right?
Chilly most.
Gandhi definitely happened.
It didn't happen!
No, it definitely happened.
Star Wars did!
May 25th, 1986.
Today is a big day.
I finally called
Melody Barnegat
and invited her out
to the movies.
Why, you ask?
One word.
Love.
I got a 24-karat case of love.
Mrs. B's making bacon
for breakfast!
It's not for breakfast.
It's for you guys
to bring to the movies.
This is movie bacon?
It's cheaper than
that rip-off candy counter,
and bacon's better for you
than all that popcorn.
- Hmm.
- You're growing boys.
You need bacon
to build big, strong hearts.
Coo roo
coo coo, coo loo coo coo!
"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie
and this is my brother Doug."
"How's it going, eh?"
- Is that my movie bacon?
- Ah! Don't touch it yet.
I gotta put the mayonnaise
on it first.
Are we really gonna be
sneaking around
the movies all day?
I heard that Danny Banks
got caught doing that last week
and they banned him for life.
Danny Banks
isn't as slick as us.
But Bucklick is rated R.
We do not look old enough
to get into a rated R movie.
We gotta...
because I called
Melody Barnegat this morning
and told her we were going.
You talked to Melody Barnegat
this morning?
Well, was that before
or after the donut?
Before. I asked her out.
She's coming
to the 4:30 movie with us.
You asked Melody Barnegat
out on a movie date?
- Brothers?
- Brothers.
- Do you care?
- I don't care.
But guess who will?
Melody Barnegat?
Merry Melody Barnegat?
Yes, Melody Barnegat.
Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny!
She's a cheerleader.
She's younger than us.
By one grade, and she would've
been in our class,
but she missed the cutoff date
by a month
because her birthday
is in November.
Dude, you know
when her birthday is?
Well, holy sh*t, Billy Idol.
When is the white wedding?
What do you got against
Melanie Barnegat, okay?
She's super sweet.
She's super short.
She's not much shorter than me.
She's shorter
than the Mets chance
of making it to the playoffs
this year.
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know, Burn.
Mets beat the Padres
5-4 last night.
Yeah, and the Padres beat
the Mets 7-4 on Friday.
What's your point, Bell?
Yeah, but the way
they're playing,
they're saying the Mets
could go all the way.
The Mets have
as good of a chance
of making it
to the World Series
as Bri does of making it
with Midgety Barnegat.
Melody Barnegat's not a m*dget.
She's fresh,
and I'm gonna ask her out.
- You already did.
- To the movies, but,
after we see Bucklick,
I'm gonna...
ask her out,
ask her out.
Like, to go steady.
What?
Wha--
Why?
Why? Because we made out
in her pool last summer.
Yeah, one time!
With your shirt on!
And all you almost got
was a little bit of titty.
And very little, might I add,
because she is...
fairly flat-chested.
Ch'yeah.
She's not flat-chested.
Oh, so you're
the expert now?
Look, Bri, baby,
I've gone with way more girls
in the pool than you have,
all right? With my shirt off.
I've been thinking about
asking Melody out all year.
She's really smart.
She thinks I'm funny.
Oh, she can't be too smart
if she thinks you're funny.
Like washing your truck
three times a day
is some sign of intelligence.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring
the Truckster into this, okay?
You can actually get inside
of the Truckster,
which is way more
than you'll ever be able to do
with Melody Barnegat.
Bri, she's beneath you.
I'm trying to get her
on top of me.
For what?
For sex, Burny!
But-but you're--
you're the guy, Bri.
You get on top of her, right?
- I gotta teach him everything.
- But I'm always laying down
when I jerk off,
- so I don't think I can bust
a nut any other way.
- Ew!
Hey! Hey! Come on!
You think I wanna hear about
your nasty jerk-off techniques?
No, I don't!
- The match...
- Major m*rder promo!
You gotta learn
how to be a man, Bri.
Be a man like Major m*rder.
- Like Major m*rder.
- Yeah, like Major m*rder.
Major m*rder is not a man.
He's a fictional character.
He's got character.
Especially when he's
in the ring kicking a*s.
Call the police, because
there's gonna be a m*rder
in New Jersey, wrestling fans.
Coming to the Brendan Byrne
Arena in East Rutherford,
the Master of Disaster
himself,
the Savage Soldier,
it's Major m*rder!
- Is this thing on?
- Yes.
'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians
out there.
Aw, hell, Mad Brad.
You hearing me, Believer?
Major m*rder's got his orders
to kick your a*s.
So I'm gonna storm
those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah!
Now, Major,
it sounds to me
like you intend
on holding on
to your intercontinental
championship title.
Is that right?
If you gotta ask,
then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!
At ease, ya sleaze.
Major m*rder says
dis... missed!
Well, there you have it.
Let's all be thankful
that the Major fights
for the side
of these United States
and not those Soviets.
Major m*rder
is bad to the bone!
The guy literally rides
a camouflage motorcycle,
for God's sakes.
He would never be dating
little Melody Barnegat.
You can bet your a*s on that.
Because she's a teenager
and he's, like, 100 years old.
You would never say that
to his face,
'cause he'd put
the Grip of Death on you. Huh.
Even though
he was 17 years old...
Burny O'Donnell still believed
wrestling was real!
Yeah.
- Is wrestling not real?
- Hey!
Can you rip the grip?
- Say wrestling's real!
- Get off me!
Say wrestling's real!
Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'?
- I ain't doin' it.
- Why not?
'Cause the idea
of everybody touching
everybody's disgusting.
Burny mistakenly believed
"Everybody Touching
Everybody's Disgusting"
was the original name
for Hands Across America.
- Brothers?
- No, Bells.
I'm just mocking Burny
for being against
Hands Across America.
Ah, hands across my d*ck.
Can't believe they're not
playing Poltergeist 2 here.
Well, there's no way
that sh*t's gonna be as good
as Poltergeist 1.
It's not "Poltergeist 1."
It's still just Poltergeist.
When they make a sequel,
they don't suddenly stick
a number on the first flick.
Sometimes I wanna stick
a power cable in your big mouth,
like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2.
I like how they k*lled Jaws
better in Jaws 1.
Belly, it's just Jaws.
Unless we're talking
Godfather 2,
Escape From the Planet
of the Apes, or Empire,
no sequel's ever as good
as the original.
All right, well, as long
as that creepy little chick's
coming back
from Poltergeist 1,
I'll be there.
"Cross over, children!
All are welcome."
Melody Barnegat's mom--
Ooh! I'm so sorry.
Um, Melody Barnegat's mom
went to a dance with the dad
from Poltergeist
- when she was in eighth grade.
- Oh, yeah.
- I bet she jerked him off!
- That's what I said.
Oh, then why did you ask her
to come to the movies today?
Melody's mom's not coming
to the movies with us.
Not her mom. Melody.
Why is she coming with us?
Because I like
Melody Barnegat.
Ah, you don't know sh*t
about women, Bri.
- Oh, my God.
- I do, right?
And I know she's not
the woman for you
because she's not
a woman at all.
She's a little girl.
Melody Barnegat
is not a little girl, Burny.
- She's like a lady.
- Ah, yeah.
Like the creepy lady
from Poltergeist 1.
It's just Poltergeist!
Who wants some more
of Mom's bacon?
Put that away
till we get inside, bacon bits.
Oh, sh*t.
Here comes the car.
That car blows.
No way!
It's like a Batmobile.
Who cares? Batman's
a stupid old TV show.
I read in Starlog,
they said they're gonna make
a new Batman movie.
It'll flop.
Nobody's ever gonna pay
to see a Batman movie.
What a disgusting town.
Get someone out here
and make sure
none of these disgusting poors
touches my Moviemobile.
Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh.
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.
When we get inside, remember,
we're getting tickets
for Astro Blaster
because Bucklick
and Dental School
are both rated R.
I can drive a car at 17
and join the army,
but I gotta wait till I'm 18
to see rated R movies.
Might as well live
in Russia.
In Soviet Union,
you don't see
R-rated movie.
R-rated movie sees you.
"Ah, what a country!"
I need new friends.
Hi.
Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen?
Can I get, uh, one ticket
to Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen?
Hey, girl!
Can I get, uh,
one ticket to, uh,
"a*s-blaster"?
'Cause, uh, you know,
that's what the ladies call me.
a*s-Blaster.
She was playing
hard to get.
Okay. Um,
we'll save seats.
You get in line?
- That look like it hurt.
- She gave me a look.
You can't give them cut-sies
when they get back.
What do you care?
We're behind you.
Well, I'll tell my dad.
Oh, you'll tell
your dad. So what?
I don't care what you
tell your dad, little kid.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
He showed me his privates.
- He did what?
- I-I--
Have fun. Don't run.
Have fun. Don't run.
"Have fun, don't run."
Have fun.
And I hope you die.
Have fun. Don't run.
You had to mess
with Manager Mike.
I'm not scared of that spaz.
Now if he sees us in Bucklick,
he'll remember us as the guys
from Astro Blaster
- who made fun of him.
- Oh, the "guys"?
You mean "the guy"?
'Cause you didn't say sh*t.
I'm trying to be incognito
so we can sneak into
the other movies all day
- after we see this one.
- Oh. Uh-huh,
and how many times
have you seen Astro Blaster?
Fourteen times.
Oh. And you wonder
why you don't get laid.
I don't get laid
'cause I'm Catholic.
I'm Catholic!
That don't stop me
from getting laid.
I even did it in the church
basement one time.
Is the church basement
what you call your sphincter?
You're a sphincter.
Uh, where is Bells?
- Uh, what the hell?
- I got thrown out.
- For what?
- For being a little sex fiend.
Are you with that pervert?
Uh, I mean...
- We go to the same school.
- You're such a sellout.
That pervert's our boy, Belly.
Well, your boy Belly's
been bounced.
You wanna join him,
be my guest.
But keep the door closed.
Don't let my AC out.
You touch my car,
I call the cops!
You touch my car,
I call the cops!
You can't hear me?
I can't hear you.
I won.
Meet me out back.
Meet me out back.
Jesus. Meet me out back.
All right.
Can you get me some Twizzlers?
I'll go get Bells.
Can I eat you
one of your Twizzlers?
You can eat this Twizzler.
Ah. S'up, Stank?
- Oh, hey. S'up?
How you doing?
- Good.
D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV
couple of months ago?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
I can't stop thinking
about that movie.
- It was crazy.
- So good, right?
I couldn't believe
that Rocky lived.
- Yeah.
- E-even so, I was like,
"That movie's...
really hard to follow."
You know, 'cause it's like,
it was like you think
he's gonna be dead
'cause he's all, like,
bloody and stuff.
Then he's just like...
Just like...
Whoa!
And then-- But then
the other guy was like...
And there's blood
and all this spit.
- Yeah.
- And it all came out.
It-it was cool.
Remember when the blonde guy...
The Ru-- He's Russian.
I don't know where he's from,
but he-he's just like...
I don't think it matters
where he's from.
A-and then--
and-and-and he just, like,
punched him so hard.
- Remember that?
- Yeah. It was the cl*max.
He cl*max?
No, it was the cl*max
of the film.
Yeah, it was so cool.
But I just thought
it was kind of fake.
What, for free?
You know I don't got
any bread.
Ah, but you got bacon.
Did you see my new
Stryper jacket?
Oh, cool.
- Rock on.
- Yeah.
Well, not--
No, actually.
Rock on without the horns,
'cause...
Hell is for pussies.
It's for--
Heaven's where it's at.
H-have you been saved?
- What?
- Have you been saved?
By Jesus?
No, by Tony Danza.
Yeah, by Jesus.
Um, I-I guess.
I'm an altar boy
and I go to church.
Good for you. So I guess
we'll be in heaven together,
spitting down
on all those heathens.
Yeah.
You're not doing
Hands Across America either?
- Nah, not this year.
- Yeah.
I asked a bunch of people,
but, um...
Yeah, I...
No one wanted to do it
with me.
They already had people
that they were doing
hands with, so...
I mean, I understand,
'cause it's kind of like
you have to know somebody
really well
to, like, stand next to somebody
and, like,
give them a hand job.
But you know,
just for bringing
people together,
it's, like, kind of a lot
to ask, I guess.
- Here we go.
- Thanks.
How many previews
do you think we get?
It's always three.
I hope we get The Fly.
I hope we get Aliens
and Labyrinth.
Her name
is Sister Sarah Wallace,
and she is unlike any nun
you've ever met.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- She's young.
She's fun.
Yes! Yes! High five!
And she's got a secret.
They stole all the food
for the orphans!
What are we gonna do?
To feed the hungry kids
at her orphanage,
this naughty nun will develop
some filthy habits.
How come the nuns
were never secret hookers
when we were in school?
One time I pulled my pud
to the thought of sex
with Sister Anne.
Was guilty as hell
afterwards.
You're gonna burn, sinner.
Hey, don't tell anybody
I told you that.
Who would I tell?
You're out here swimming
around in a toilet bowl.
But you're a nun.
Not a hooker!
Well, maybe God
wants me to be both!
A nun by day...
Ready? Yeah!
...and a hooker by night.
Hey, Sister!
I got something
for your poor box!
Let's see
what's under that wig.
Oh, hell, no!
Say a prayer for...
Rated R.
We're definitely
seeing that.
Imagine if the nuns
were secret hookers
when we were in school.
Number one,
I already said that.
And number two,
one time Burny jerked off
thinking about sister Anne.
Dude!
"The Health Nut"? Huh.
Get outta here with this sh*t.
Well, they banned it
in Scandinavia.
That slasher isn't fit
to wipe the blood off
the blades of Leatherface,
Michael Myers
or Freddy Krueger.
You haven't even seen
the movie yet, Judge Wapner.
I don't need to see
the movie,
'cause I'm the greatest
horror movie expert
you've ever met.
Stupid piece of sh*t.
Question for the expert.
Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?
My man, Jason Voorhees.
The correct answer
to the question
"Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,
Leatherface,
and Michael Myers?" is...
the audience!
We all win.
Idiot.
Morning, gorgeous.
Morning.
What'cha havin'?
The usual?
I gotta unload
before I reload.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
So they crawl up your butt.
Oh, Mr. Wizard over here.
I can't believe
this place is so empty.
When did this come out?
Astro Blaster? Back in March.
Remember,
we snuck into Highlander
after we saw Astro Blaster?
I remember Burny
missing half of Highlander
because he was feeling up
Susie Bukachyk the whole time.
Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic,
she only let me touch
her left titty.
That's why he calls her
the "Kurgan."
Why?
"There can be only one!"
S...
- Sorry.
- It's starting.
Astro Blaster
And the Beavermen
Astro Blaster
Friend to the Beavermen
and the Beaverwomen
It's Jessica Court.
Watch this.
You got Burned.
Burny!
Who the hell is this?
Oh, this is Burny.
I graduated with his brother.
Uh, Burny, this is Randi.
- Where are you from, hon?
- "Hon"?
I'm from the Bay Area.
Bay Avenue?
San Francisco.
Oh, we met at school.
Ah.
So, how's college?
Is it all orgies in the dorms?
Dorms?
We don't live in the dorms.
- My God.
- Shh.
I'm Damocles of the Beavermen,
damn it!
And that means one damn thing.
I rule the beaver.
You haven't seen this yet?
No. Did you?
Yeah. It's stupid.
Like, stupid fun?
Eh. Mm,
it's not as stupid fun
as you and me
making out to Goonies.
Oh. And it was
in the same theater.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
Maybe we should take
a little walk down memory lane
in the back row, huh?
No way.
I'm here with Randi
and Barbara.
So?
I'm here with Brian and Bells.
Who gives a sh*t?
You know you wanna.
Excuse me. I'm gonna be,
uh, just right back.
You're just flat leaving us?
Is there a Brian David here?
I'm looking for Brian David.
Holy sh*t,
I can't hear the movie!
Eat sh*t, as*h*le!
Brian David.
Come see the manager
in the lobby, ASAP.
Brian David. Brian David.
Should I go?
Godspeed.
I'm terrified
by what's about to happen.
Uh, I'm Brian David.
So I'm on the phone
with my Paramount rep.
That's Paramount Pictures,
mind you.
Godfather,
Godfather Part II.
And all of a sudden,
the operator interrupts us
with an emergency breakthrough
from your mother.
Mom, uh, w-what's wrong?
You are giving this cat a bath
when you get home tonight.
You made an emergency
breakthrough to tell me that?
That's how filthy this cat is!
Cats are self-cleaning, Ma,
and they hate water.
No, that's only in cartoons,
Brian.
Okay, I'll give the cat a bath
when I get home, um, I promise.
- But I gotta go.
- Oh, okay!
Big important man
doesn't have time to talk
to his mother
who gave birth to him.
You know, I lost one
before you and one after you.
I can't really talk about
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.
The manager is waiting
for his phone back.
Well, I was waiting
for a thank-you note
from your cousin Allison,
which just came
in the mail today.
I sent a wedding present
to that dummy
after she eloped
with some twerp.
Listen to this BS!
Pardon my French,
Blessed Mother.
Listen to this.
"Dear Aunt Grace,
Thank you
for the wedding present.
We love the bed linens
from Bradley's,
but when we opened the package,
there were two fitted sheets
and no top sheet.
It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets,
so we're gonna bring them back
and get a correct set.
Thank you so much, Allison."
"It's a little hard
to sleep between
two fitted sheets."
Well, then don't get married!
Ma, the manager's
staring at me
because, uh,
we're tying up the phone.
Well, tell him
to hold his horses.
I'm not telling him that.
You don't have to.
I can hear her.
He can hear you, Ma.
That means both of you
can hear me when I say,
"Get off the phone
or I'm ejecting you
from the theater!"
I gotta go, Ma.
Well, I love you, tiger.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
Oh, okay, Fonzie.
Too cool to say "I love you"
back to your mother?
I'm in public, Ma.
Oh, I did 18 hours of labor
in public
bringing you into this world.
Tell her you love her, Fonzie.
I love you. Goodbye, Ma.
Sorry, uh, my mom's
mad at my cousin.
I don't care about
your family ties,
Alex P. Keaton.
This isn't the party line
where the action never stops
for 89 cents a minute. This...
is a business phone.
And that business
is show business,
as in lights, camera,
and action.
Oh. See?
People trying to call.
Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.
Manager Mike speaking.
How can I help you?
It's your mother again.
- Hello?
- You hung up.
I thought we were done.
Since when don't you wait
to hear me say
"I love you too"?
The manager was staring at me.
You could be riding
your bike home tonight
and get run over by a bus.
And as you die there
in the gutter, you'd realize
that you missed your last chance
to hear your only mother say
"I love you."
Ah-- I don't want that!
You don't want what?
Me to get hit by a bus
or me to have regrets when I die
from getting hit by a bus?
Christopher Columbus!
I don't even wanna think
about you getting hit by a bus!
Well, then why'd you say--
Can I go now?
How's the movie?
I don't know!
Because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.
Who's that?
- Your son.
- The short one?
Oh, my God.
Crumbs! You think he's not
self-conscious enough already?
- I thought he was
at the movies.
- He's there now.
Ask him if the movie
is any good.
Your father wants to know
if your movie's good or not.
I don't know,
because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.
Listen, I-I love you,
but I gotta go.
I love you too, tiger.
W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what about me?
Yes, I love you too.
Ah, not that.
What does Igor say?
I'm in public, Dad.
What does Igor say?
Good night, Master.
I made him do the Igor.
You're not from around here,
stranger.
Why, you don't even have
buck teeth.
Or a tail.
I'm from Earth.
You're from Earth?
Yes. I'm Astro Blaster.
Astro Blaster?
Yeah. I'm the drummer
in a Van Halen cover band.
Man, my mom made
an emergency breakthrough
to talk about the cat.
Can you believe that sh*t?
I said,
"can you believe that sh*t?"
She called to tell me
how she give the cat--
Oh, my God, you guys--
You guys were doing it
right here?
I-in front of Astro Blaster?
A-and the Beavermen? Oh!
In a Van Halen cover band?
Yes. It's a big deal.
It's a big deal?
Yeah, I just said that.
You just said that.
Burny's having sex
during the movie.
The guy's got
no respect for cinema.
Am I right, Bells?
Bells?
Mmm.
What'd I miss?
Jesus.
Here's the beef, okay?
We've nearly depleted our entire
strategic popcorn supply.
Do you know what that means?
No.
That means I have to call
every theater
in a ten-mile radius
offering crazy money
to buy their crappy popcorn,
only to get laughed at
and mocked by managers
telling me I can't hack it
in the movie biz.
But just when scuzzy old
Strathmore Cinema--
the home of the cruddiest
corn in the country--
is saying yes,
and I am swallowing my pride
to close a deal,
all of a sudden...
I get an emergency breakthrough.
I'm really sorry
about my mom.
It's not your mom this time.
Hey, hey.
Have fun. Don't run.
- Hello?
- Hey, Brian, it's Melody.
I'm sorry
to call you like this.
- Is something wrong?
- A little. Um,
I can't go to the 4:30 movie
with you
because my mom says
I gotta stay home for supper.
But she said I can go
after I eat.
Yeah?
Okay, that's--
that's awesome, uh...
Bucklick plays again at 7:15.
I'll be there around 7:00,
as soon as I'm done with dinner.
You want me to bring you
a pork chop?
"Pork chopsh and appleshaush.
Isn't that shwell?"
What?
That's from The Brady Bunch.
Wow. You sure know a lot
about movies and TV shows.
Hey, I'll see you "latey,"
Peter Brady.
Bye.
Sorry.
"Pork chops and applesauce."
God.
Worst moment of your life
was the day your mom found out
she could make
an emergency breakthrough.
That wasn't my mom.
That was Melody.
She called you at the movies?
"Oh, play Misty for me."
She did tell me she can't come
to the 4:30 movie.
Oh, yeah? Good.
So she's coming
to the 7:15 show.
What? Now she's coming
to Dental School?
There's gonna be
a ton of t*tties
in that movie, all right?
I'm not trying to be
looking at naked ladies
while I'm sitting next
to a girl.
Well, I was gonna say
we could go to the 4:30 movie
of Dental School,
and then we all see
Bucklick at 7:15.
Why are we moving
the schedule around
- for Melody Barnegat?
- Hmm?
We're supposed to be
seeing movies today.
You see a lot of this movie
from behind Jessica Court
- or what?
- Okay. S-s-s-see,
that's different, okay?
That wasn't planned.
That's what you'll say about
the kid she's gonna have
in nine months.
Ch'yeah, right.
I wore a rubber.
Who brings rubbers
to the movies?
- I do.
- Why?
Because what if
the movie sucks?
You walk out.
You don't pull out.
If I'm wearing a rubber,
why would I pull out?
There's a damn force field
around that damn fortress.
We need to bail out now.
I'm not coming, Damocles.
What in the damn hell?
Look, we only got one shot
at this, all right?
So I'm gonna stay here
and steer the ship.
Damn it, man! Why?
Back on Earth,
I'm just a drummer
in a Van Halen cover band, man.
Okay, but here in space,
I can be so much more, Damocles.
I can be the kind of guy
I always wanted to be.
I can be the kind of guy
they call a hero.
Well, since you've made
your damn mind up about it,
then I, Damocles
of the Beavermen,
do hereby swear by
the eternal Morning Wood
that you,
Astro Blaster of Earth,
are the bravest damn hero
in the damn galaxy.
Where I'm from, there's a name
for people like that.
They're called Americans.
Van Halen cover band!
I'm gonna wake up Belly.
The movie's almost over,
so he's gotta go hide
in the bathroom
before the lights come up.
Get off my bacon!
Nobody's after your bacon.
Go hide in the bathroom,
meet us in Dental School.
But then I'll miss the end
of the movie.
So? You already slept
through half of it anyways.
Now go.
And don't let
Manager Mike see you.
Stealth.
I love this part. Look.
A drummer always does it
for the beaver.
"Sex poo."
For the beaver!
Astro Blaster!
- Van Halen!
- And the Beavermen, aah
Van Halen! Van Halen!
Why do we always have to sit
through these stupid credits?
Remember when we saw
Young Sherlock Holmes?
And at the end of the credits
they had one more scene?
That was one
in a million movies,
and that flick flopped.
So they're never gonna be
doing an after-credits scene
in a movie ever again.
See? Waste of time.
We're going for snacks?
- What if Manager Mike sees us?
- Screw that guy.
He's probably porkin'
the popcorn.
Huh? Bopping your baloney
in a public bathroom?!
Open the door, Tommy.
Mashing your monkey?!
Noodling your nugget?!
You are banned for life,
playboy.
You disgust me!
Masturbating in a public area
is only fun for one person.
Write that down, Philip.
Meet me out back.
Meet me out back...
again.
Enjoy the movie.
d*ck.
Hi.
Go away, little girl.
This movie's rated R.
I know. I just wanted
to ask a question.
Why are you talking to me?
No one talks to me.
Yeah, b-but,
I mean, but you--
Is it awesome to work here?
Is it awesome to work here?
No, it sucks to work here.
But you get to see
all the movies.
Movies suck.
This movie sucks.
Half the town
and their mother is here.
Which is fine,
'cause Americans
have no taste.
You know why?
'Cause Americans
have no future.
America sucks.
Now, please, run along.
Change your diaper.
- We don't have a future?
- What are you doing?
- Don't--
- What's going on
with your hands?
- Why do you think
America sucks?
- You're being really jumpy.
- Since-since when?
- Why are you coming
so close to me?
Haven't you even seen
The Day After?
If Russia decides
to nuke us, we're done.
Kaput. Kentucky
fried chickens.
And I actually welcome it.
I say bring it.
Take me now, so I never have
to see Dental School ever again.
You don't like Dental School?
I've never actually seen it.
I just hear it
all day and night.
You're pulling your pud
in public?
Public masturbation is only
ever fun for one person
- at a time.
- Shut up!
I mean, if Gorby gets
a hot trigger finger,
we are Canadian bacon
over here in America.
Just crushed.
Isn't there a shield
or something?
A shield?
You know anything
about Star Wars?
I know everything
about Star Wars.
You do? So then
you know everything
about Reagan's Strategic
Defense Initiative,
the Star Wars program?
Oh, um, what?
I thought you meant--
Oh, oh, you thought I meant
that excruciating space opera.
No, thank you. You know,
I thank our nonexistent God
every day
that there will never be
another Star Wars movie made.
We're-- we're at the end
of Star Wars.
You know what I mean?
W-what would they do next?
Go back and start telling us
episode one, two, and three?
Can you imagine
if they were like,
"Let's break it up
into little TV series"?
Pfft. Yeah, right!
I mean, you gotta be
out of your mind.
Like, "We wanna follow
some side stories
of small characters."
Like, "Oh, I wonder
what Boba Fett's doing.
I wanna invest
my time in that."
Get out of here!
I don't care about that stuff!
I don't even like Star Wars.
Gotta go!
What an as*h*le.
I need you to clean
the men's room.
Somebody took a sh*t
in a urinal.
"Somebody" or you, Mike?
Hmm...
Oh.
Uh, what happened?
I had him distracted.
The place was packed.
There's only one seat open.
Because of you and Melody,
now we can't even see
Dental School!
You don't hear Belly
belly-aching.
Because Belly's an idiot.
No more bacon for Burny.
So? Do you think
I give a sh*t?
Hey!
You just said "sh*t"
in front of my little sister.
She's only six.
Get out of my face,
four eyes.
Hey! What are you--
Let go of me!
Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me!
Boys, boys, boys.
In the words of the tagline
from the Commando poster,
"Somewhere, somehow,
someone's going to pay".
What's wrong with you?
Get out! Get-- get out!
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!
Suck my left nut!
Not today.
Burny, wait!
Stop holding hands!
Where are you going?
We gotta fix this!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Because of you two,
I just got the sh*t
kicked out of me
by three little girls.
Who cares?
We just got banned for life!
Yeah. Like Danny Banks.
How am I supposed to take
Melody to see Bucklick now?
Melody?
Melody, Melody, Melody!
Man, this is all her fault!
How? She's not even here!
'Cause ever since you asked her
to come to the movies with us,
we've been moving
everything around for her,
and now we're banned for life.
We're banned
because you picked a fight
- with a nine-year-old!
- Bullshit!
We would be
in that theater right now
watching Bucklick,
but you had to invite Melody!
Holy sh*t, what?
What the hell
is your obsession
with Melody Barnegat?
You're the one obsessed
with Melody Barnegat!
We just gotta deal with it.
- Deal with what?!
- That she's
a g*dd*mn sophomore!
Who cares? Big whoop!
We're g*dd*mn juniors!
But we're gonna be seniors
in September, Bri.
And then you'll be all like,
"Oh, Melody's a stupid junior.
- Doodly doodly doo!"
- No, no, no. Don't--
Don't "doodly doo" me, okay?
You're the one
that's trying to make out
with this little
Ewok-looking b*tch!
What are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
- We're gonna fight.
- Oh, yeah.
- We're gonna fight?
- Yeah, we're gonna fight!
I'm tired of you
making fun of Melody, okay?
So put up your dukes.
Put up my dukes.
If I put up one of my dukes,
I will k*ll you.
Come on, guys.
Friends don't fight.
Friends?!
You call this friendship?
He cares about
his stupid truck
more than he cares
about my feelings!
So let's go. Let's go!
Fight me. I dare you.
I don't fight midgets.
You do now.
- You stupid--
- Hey!
Hey! Guys! Hey, hey!
Guys, stop it. Stop it!
Stop! Stop, stop it!
Stop it!
Burny is not obsessed
with Melody Barnegat.
Thank you, Bells.
He's threatened by her.
W-What?
Why the hell
would I be threatened
by that little
carpenter's dream?
She's as flat as a board
and as easy to nail.
- No, she's not!
- Knock it off.
Can't you see
Brian idolizes you?
Idolize Burn Boy?
Oh, I do not.
Oh, yes, you do.
You look up to him
because he's confident,
which is something
you can never be,
because you think
you're too short.
He is too short.
He should be looking at the sky,
saying "Da plane! Da plane!"
- Do something!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Burny, you keep
running down his dream
about dating
Melody Barnegat,
all threatened by the girl,
just because Brian
is in love with her.
Whoa, I never said I was
in love with Melody Barnegat.
Uh, well, you are.
You've been talking about her
since last summer
'cause she makes you
feel good about yourself.
She makes you forget
that you think you're short.
He is short.
He's a four-foot freak.
- Oh, and you're
a control freak.
- Yeah!
So you're afraid Brian's
gonna start spending
all his time with Melody
instead of you.
Yeah, but you can't
admit that to yourself
because you think
being a man
means being tough
like Major m*rder.
What's tougher
than fighting your friend
over the woman you love?
I know you guys think
I'm dumb or something,
but I am not dumb.
Okay, I just don't talk
as much as the two of you
since you guys
never shut the hell up!
Ah.
So that gives me
a lot of time to listen,
and... in all the years
I've been listening,
here's what I've learned.
You know movies.
You know women.
Yeah, I do.
But I know you guys
better than the two of you
know yourselves.
So it's time for you to stop
looking for Burny's approval
on everything.
It's time for you to start
letting Brian be his own man.
By all means.
And it's time both of you
assholes apologize to me
for making fun
of my mom's bacon
even though you ate
the sh*t out of it all day!
You're right.
Eh...
Come on. Burny.
You're adults!
Stop touching each other!
Hey-- hey, excuse me?
Excuse me?
Oh, excuse me!
Holy sh*t, it is you!
You're-- you're Major m*rder.
At ease, ya sleaze.
I-I-- I'm your biggest fan.
I gotta be honest.
Um, I know all your fights.
That's a major thank you
from Major m*rder.
But, uh, I'm here to see
someone really special.
Ahh. Is that your daughter?
My daughter? It's my wife.
I'm sorry, she just
looks a lot younger than you...
That's depressing.
Do I really look
that much older than her?
- Uh...
- Just-- Must be
all the steroids,
'cause Rosie and I
went to high school together.
We started dating
when I was a junior
and she was a sophomore.
All my pals used to razz me
about her being younger.
Ha. I-I'm sure
you Major m*rder*d
those guys, huh?
Actually, I just cried a lot.
I may not look like it now,
but back in high school,
I was a very sensitive fat kid.
- Bullshit.
- No, no, real sh*t.
You know, my name's Albert,
so I'd get called Fat Albert
because of the cartoon?
Ah, Bill Cosby.
Now that's an American treasure.
Ah,
that man will always
be beloved.
So you know,
back in high school,
I was always very sensitive
about my weight.
But Rosie...
she always made me forget
I was fat.
She always made me
feel like I was thin.
So you made her
Mrs. Major m*rder?
Well, actually,
Mrs. Albert Holstein.
Major m*rder's real name
is Albert Holstein?
Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein
is a kind of cow?
So, uh, you know,
in high school, there was
a lot of, uh, cow names.
- Cow names?
- Yeah, like,
the Moo Man, you know,
Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy.
You know,
I'd get Hugh Heifer.
I'd get, uh, Pasture a*s.
I-I'd get Milky t*ts.
Cow Pie.
Yeah, just a lot
of cow-themed cruelty.
Ah.
Hey. Thanks for being a fan.
And, uh, please don't tell
anybody how I really talk.
Uh, or about the cow names.
Yo, Major.
You gonna go storm those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach?
If you have to ask,
then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!
What are you doing back here?
Your a*s is banned.
Which means my life
is pretty much over.
So I'm just thinking about
hurling myself down the stairs.
Who are you, Father Karras?
Is that an Exorcist joke?
Well, it's not an Exorcist II:
The Heretic joke.
I respect John Boorman too much.
You know who John Boorman is?
Anil nathrach
orth bhais betha,
do cheol danta.
Holy sh*t.
The Charm of Making.
You've seen Excalibur?
You think I make
$3.05 an hour
because I can't get
a real job?
Movies are my life, dude.
That's why you work here.
No. That's why
I'm leaving here.
I'm moving to Providence
next week.
What's in Providence?
I'm gonna the Rhode Island
School of Design,
like Martha Coolidge.
Martha Coolidge, the director?
Yeah. You know
who Martha Coolidge is?
Yeah. Movies are my life too.
Valley Girl is in my top ten.
That guy, Nic Cage,
is a genius.
- Yeah.
- Have you seen Birdy?
Oh, yeah, I've seen
every Alan Parker film.
You know who Alan Parker is?
Duh. Fame and The Wall
are so rad.
But Martha Coolidge, man,
she's my idol.
I wanna be a director
like her.
This is--
This is so cool, uh,
I've never met anyone
who wanted to be
a director before.
Sure you have.
Just look in the mirror.
Me?
A-a director? Nah.
I just-- I just love
going to the movies.
Yeah, man,
that's how it starts.
Most people come to movies
to escape their lives,
but people like us,
we come here because
movies make life make sense.
Out here, man,
world's full of lies.
But in there, they tell
the lie that tells the truth.
And the truth about you and me
is we're filmmakers.
We just haven't made
our films.
Yet.
"Yet."
Whoa.
That girl's real, right?
Thanks.
Hi, Melody Barnegat.
Hi, Brian David.
You look...
resplendent.
"Resplendent"?
Okay, Doctor Dictionary.
- Let's go see Bucklick.
- Uh...
I-I don't think we can get in.
Because it's rated R?
Well, more because
I got banned.
Oh, my God.
Like Danny Banks?
Kinda.
So, how are we
gonna see Bucklick?
I have an idea.
Huh. Strathmore Cinema City.
Give me a second.
Okay.
Excuse me, Manager Mike.
Oh, oh.
Little kid I just banned. Hi.
I wanted to ask you about that.
Mm-hmm?
I know me and my friends
were obnoxious today.
But I stand here before you
as a man...
Wow.
...to beg you to lift the ban.
And why would I do that?
You see that girl?
- Yeah.
- That's Melody Barnegat.
The raddest woman I ever met.
And last summer,
I was too scared to ask her out.
But this morning,
I invited her to the movies
at your theater, and...
and she said "yes."
Congratulations.
This could be
the greatest night of my life.
Please lift the ban
this one time
so we can go to the movies.
I mean,
it'd mean everything to me,
and-and I'll do anything.
I'll-I'll even work here
for free or-or something.
Please, sir.
What do you say?
Tsk. What do I say?
Well, when you put it
like that...
I say, Munchkins
from the merry old land of Oz
belong on the movie screen,
not in my movie theater.
Hey. Hey, listen up, loser.
You know, you got a lot of ba*ls
calling this guy Munchkin
when you're short
as sh*t yourself.
Wow. Tsk. Wow.
You remind me of my daughter.
I hate my daughter.
And you got a lot of nerve
talking to me like that,
Minnie Mouse.
I'm in the movie business.
I talk to studios.
So, you're just a little kid
who looks like a daughter
that I can't stand.
So what do you know?
I know you don't know sh*t
about the movie business.
Because if you did,
you wouldn't act
like such a poser
and drive around
in your stupid-looking
Moviemobile.
- Okay?
- He's not a Munchkin.
He's a nice guy.
Something you don't
understand at all
because you are an as*h*le.
Well, let me tell you
something, little girl.
Now you're banned,
for life too!
You and Bilbo Baggins here
are never getting inside
my movie theater ever again.
Clap to that! Clap to that.
Ahh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my...!
Ahh! My Moviemobile!
No!
No!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Get inside.
But Burny just crashed
his Truckster
into the Moviemobile!
As a distraction
so you guys can get inside.
So get inside.
Oh, this stupid car
hit my truck!
I only had eight more
payments on it!
Only eight!
Oh, my God!
Hey, Pat Benatar.
This is a rated R movie.
Can't come in here.
Some guy just crashed
into the Moviemobile.
No way, really?!
Ha ha! There is a God!
Come here, yeah.
Here! Sorry. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Holy sh*t.
That was the most amazing
thing I ever saw.
You totally tore
that as*h*le a new as*h*le.
He deserves it.
I hate bullies.
You're amazing.
Melody Barnegat.
Took all day.
But here we are.
We're finally gonna see
our 4:30 movie,
and nobody's gonna stop us.
Is that so?
Mom?
What the hell
are you doing here?
We're here to see Astro Blaster.
You're so full of sh*t,
your eyes are brown.
This isn't Astro Blaster.
This is Bucklick,
and Bucklick is rated R.
Ooh, what are you
doing here, Melody?
Bucklick is rated R.
She said she's gonna
see Astro Blaster,
but she's sneaking
into R- rated movies
with this guy.
Oh, so much drama.
We're supposed
to be seeing a comedy.
See, this is why I told you
we should have gone home
when Poltergeist 2
wasn't playing, but...
Wait a minute.
You came to see Poltergeist 2
with Aunt Connie?
You said you had
to see it with me.
Okay, don't-don't turn
this around, okay?
You're the one
in trouble here, missy.
I will deal you after Bucklick.
Get the hell out of here
before I call the manager
and have you banned.
This is so unfair.
Can you believe this?
I mean, it's kind of cute.
- Your mom looks pretty pissed.
- She's pissed?
Well, I'm pissed too.
Who does she think she is,
yelling at me in front of you
and everybody in the theater?
She's the one trying to see
Poltergeist 2 without me.
What do you wanna do?
Have sex and get pregnant.
That'll show her.
- If that's what you need...
- I wouldn't give her
the satisfaction.
Yeah. Wait, are you sure?
Let's go.
She treats me like I'm a baby.
I can't stand it.
Shouldn't we get you home
so you don't get in trouble?
No, I'm already in trouble.
And the minute I get home,
I'm gonna be grounded
for the rest of my life.
So I might as well enjoy today.
Race you!
What? What?
Doesn't it feel great to run?
Says someone
on cross country.
I think I'm having
a heart attack.
Raise your arms
above your head.
Yeah.
You ever think about
what you wanna be
when you grow up, Brian David?
Sometimes.
What do you wanna be?
I wanna be a dean.
Like a dean at a college?
You wanna be the guy
that's always giving
Animal House a hard time?
No.
I wanna be the girl
that's always giving
Animal House a hard time.
I never knew anybody
who wanted to be a dean.
That's so...
weird.
So what do you wanna do?
- Well...
- And don't say me.
I wanna be a writer.
Well, I think.
I can see that.
I love to read
the stuff you wrote
in my yearbook last summer.
- What?
- You started out making fun
of what everybody else said.
You wrote...
"Have a great summer."
"See you over the summer.
Summerly yours."
And then I signed it "Summer."
I was hysterical.
But then you filled
a whole page
telling me how adorable I am.
And how I'm super nice
and smart.
My mom read it.
And she said it was beautiful.
So, yeah, you're totally
gonna be a writer someday.
Man.
I-- How do you--
You're always so positive.
Not as much
as I'm not negative.
Does anything make you sad?
Like, what about nuclear w*r?
If the Russians dropped
the b*mb on us today,
my mom can't ground me.
See, you do that. You're--
You're all about
the silver lining.
Like...
everything went wrong
for me today.
But then you came along
and made it all better.
If everything went right today,
you and me
would be watching Bucklick.
But this is way better.
Or is it almost perfect?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Then...
Will you go out with me,
Melody Barnegat?
We are out, Brian David.
I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend.
I know what you meant.
But I don't know.
Is it 'cause I'm short?
Jesus.
Would you stop with that sh*t?
I don't think of you as short.
Then what do you think of me as?
I think of you as...
the most interesting guy
I ever met.
All this stuff
you talk about.
The way you see the world.
What you wrote in my yearbook.
You always make me think.
And laugh.
And you're like
the funniest person I know.
Yeah?
The only place
you come up short...
is in how little you know
about girls.
Because I was gonna let you
get to second base
in my pool last summer...
and then I never heard
from you again.
Until today.
Yeah, but I-I've been
thinking about you
ever since that day.
You're so full of sh*t,
your eyes are brown.
You really expect me to believe
you thought about me
for an entire year?
Or ever?
Oh, my God.
Are you, like, pulling it out?
Is that a tape recorder?
It's a writing thing.
I read that real writers
use a tape recorder
to help them organize
important thoughts.
Important thoughts like this.
Beatbox Bri, take one!
Um... sh*t, uh...
Hold on, um.
I meant this.
I finally
called Melody Barnegat
and invited her out
to the movies. Why...
you ask?
One word.
Love.
I got a 24-karat case of love.
You're, like,
the coolest girl I ever met.
And all I wanna do
is watch movies with you.
I wanna watch movies
with you too.
So does this... mean
we're boyfriend-girlfriend now?
I hope so.
Because if I was ever
gonna make a movie about today,
that's how I'd want
the movie to end.
Yeah? You think today
could ever be a movie?
As long
as there are end credits,
and a song,
today could totally be a movie.
Yes or no?
- I say yes.
- Why?
Because I can tell
you really wanna do it.
But what if I'm not good at it?
Then I can teach you.
I have experience.
And I'm like... a virgin.
Yeah!
You got that right.
Are we live?
Yeah!
- Miss Melody.
- Sir Burny.
- So, did he go in yet?
- Hmm?
He's hesitating.
You got this. You just--
- You get in there
and you do it.
- We'll watch.
Well, I definitely can't do it
with everybody watching me.
Yes, you can.
You're full of BDE.
Hmm?
Brian David Energy.
That's cute.
Come on, Bri, bubby.
The sooner you get this
over with,
the sooner we get
to go to the diner
where I have a pork roll,
egg and cheese
with my name on it. Mm?
They can write "as*h*le"
on a kaiser roll?
See, you're funny,
but you're lucky, right?
You're lucky that I have
as much respect as I do
for the lovely Miss Melody here.
Otherwise, I-I just might have
to put the Grip of Death on you.
- Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling?
- No!
- No. No, we're not.
- We're not.
- No, we're not. We're not.
- Nobody's wrestling, all right?
Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames.
You ready to do this?
I'm nervous.
Jesus, Bri,
we're not talking
about circumcision here.
You're just applying
for a shitty job.
You go in there, you fill out
the bullshit form,
you come out, we go eat. Right?
What do you think, babe?
Yeah, come on, babe.
What do you think?
- Yeah. babe.
- Mmm. Yeah, babe.
What's up, babe?
Uh...
It can wait.
Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas
where the movies come to--
I'm sorry!
- Want some?
- I'm okay.
Resetting. We're rolling.
"Pork chops and applesauce."
God.
- Ow.
- Oh, sorry.
- No!
- Ah!
Please suck it still.
You're pulling your pud
in public?
Can I try that one more time?
It's Major m*rder!
Whoa!
Is this thing on?!
'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians
out there.
Sorry. So sorry.
And-and what would
that be, Major?
I forgot!
Yes, Virginia,
you'd be better off
believing in Santa Claus
than that slam tam...
Because Shamwell is a sham!
A man of few words
but powerful words.
That's enough.
Have fun. Don't run.
She's my ex.
Two hundred "Our Father's"!
A Morton's jelly donut.
Jesus Christ!
You like this?
This is real too.
I got this from the President
of the United States of--
Look at these nuts.
Damn it, man! Why?
Back on Earth...
One more time.
Damn it, man! Why?
- Did you... get it in yet?
- Hmm?
Mm-mm.
He's hesitating.
Wait, what?!
He cut straight to it,
- didn't he?
- Didn't you get--
You Three Stooges
are banned for life!
- Eat sh*t!
- Not today.
Who are you, Father Ka-rass?
Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass."
Karras. Blah.
I'm the leader of the beavers.
Nice.
- Yes, it is.
- That's actually--
I kind of consider myself
the same thing, doing what I do.
- Is that right? Well...
- Yeah. It's pretty--
You got a lot
of ladies here, huh?
No.
Jesus Christ,
fewer things in life
could be more perfect than that.
Give it up for the boys!
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4:30 Movie, The (2024)
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