07x07 - Cruisin' Bobby

[bunniefuu]

-Hi, everyone.

I'm Howie Mandel,
and this is Bobby.
-I think they already know that.

I mean, this is my show.

-Well, there-- there
might be some people
out there that have
not seen the show.
-Can't imagine that. "Bobby's
World" is a huge success!
It's seen by millions of kids
and adults all over the world.
-I'm sorry, Bobby.

Are-- you getting a
little big-headed?
-Ah, just look at me!

-Start the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

MARTHA: All right,
eat up, Bobby.
I made these yogurt and
salmon flapjacks special,
don't you know.

-Guess what time it is.

-Time for nuggies?

-No.

Better.

Time for a cruise!

BOBBY: Huh?

-What?

A cruise?

On one of those big,
luxurious, ocean-going vessels?
TED: Remember how everyone
laughed when I picked up
that truckload of coat hangers
real cheap, the ones that
can't be taken off
the clothes bar?
-We're still laughing.

-Well, laugh no more.

I unloaded the
whole batch of them
on a company that
owns ocean liners.
And now the Generics are
going on an ocean adventure!
-Yay!

We're going on a boat.

We're going on a boat.

-Here you go, Bobby.

Put the toys and the
fun things you're
taking with you in this back.

-But Mom!

-Well, what is it, hon?

-Uh, it's pretty small.

-Oh, well, this is what
you call thrift, Bobby.
You can only take what
fits into that bag.
-But-- but Mom, you said I
need stuff for four days.
Uh, Mom, how long is four days?

-Well, it's four sleeps
in a strange bed.
Now, just take some
of your favorites,
and I'm sure they'll have
other things to play with too.
-But Mom, they're
all my favorites.
Sometimes moms aren't really
helping when they try to help.
-Hey, dufus, you got room
in your bag for this?
-I-- I guess.

What's in it, candy?

-I'm not telling.

And you better not look.

-I won't.

I bet it's candy, Webly.

[SCREAMING]

-Gotcha!

[CHUCKLING]

-What's so funny?

-Bobby, catch up.

Derek was pulling a
practical joke on you.
-Did you see him jump?

-Oh boy, Derek, you
really got Bobb-o.
Now, that's a practical joke!

-Oh, now I know what I
can take with me, Webly.
My squirt g*n, my whoopie
cushion, my pretend vomit.
Because I'm gonna be
pulling practical jokes.
KELLY: I just
remembered, this means
I will have to be
away from George
for the totally, entire weekend.

-Hey, hey, hey, Kelly, oh,
this is gonna be some fun.
Now, come on.

-Right.

-Uh, Derek.

I think I have a cold.

Ah-- ah-- choo!

-Bobby, you dweeb,
you sneezed on me.
-[GIGGLING] No, I didn't.

I gotcha!

-Bobby, look what you did!

You broke my CD player.

-Uh-oh.

Am I in trouble?

-Bobby, you broke my CD player.

-It was-- it was a
practical joke, see?
I-- I didn't sneeze.

It was water.

-This isn't funny, Bobby.

-But-- but-- but Mom, it
was supposed to be funny.
It was a practical joke.

-Well, Mister I Don't
Know What the Heck,
you'd better learn what's funny.

-On the other hand, sometimes
moms are really helpful.
I'm gonna learn what's funny.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Watch it, Generics
coming through.
Sorry there, Howard.

Oops.

-Yeah, here we are.

This is us, Howard.

Everybody get their table
assignments for din-din?
-Yeah.

-Uh-huh.

-We're all set.

-Starving.

-Yep.

-Yeah.

-Snug, huh, dear?

-Oof-dah, it is a lot smaller
than it looks in the brochure.
-I'm squished.

I'm living the incredible
shrinking closet nightmare.
-Kel, leave me some
room, why don't you.
-Hey, you didn't hide
George in here, did you?
-Put a sock in it.

-Uncle Ted?

Um, I have to go
to the bathroom.
-OK.

Let's find the head.

-We've got to find the head?

-Look!

-What do you seek?

-Oh, Giant Head,
where is the bathroom?
-There is no bathroom.

-What?

We've come all this
way, and you tell
us there's no place
to go to the bathroom?
-Bobb-o, there's no
bathroom on a ship.
It's called a head.

Bobb-o, there's lots
of things called
by different names on a ship.

Right is starboard,
left is port.
-I have enough trouble
with right and left.
-The front's the bow.

The back's the aft.

Ropes are called lines.

Doors are called hatches.

There's even a poop deck.

-Poop deck?

Is that where you--

[FOGHORN]

-Come on, Bobb-o.

We're weighing anchor.

Use the head-- you know,
the bathroom-- and then it's
up on the deck.

Ah, just smell
that ocean breeze.
Oh, I don't feel so good.

-How you feeling, Uncle Ted?

-Better.

-Better?

-Better call the ship's doctor.

I need another motion
sickness patch.
[ALARM]

-What's that?

-Lifeboat drill.

-I'm gonna call you
Hula, because of the way
you wiggle putting on
that life vest, mister.
Oh!

-Oh, that's a stub.

Sorry.

[CHUCKLING]

-Everyone in the lifeboat now.

I'm keeping my eye
on you, hula boy.
Now, in the unlikely event
of a call to abandon ship,
you will hear this.

-Boo!

Gotcha.

[GIGGLING]

-Just what do you
think you are doing?
-It's a practical joke.

-A joke?

A joke?

Let me tell you
something, junior,
this is a lifeboat drill.

We take this kind
of thing serious.
From now on, I'm going
to call you Joker.
-How about Practical Joker?

-Ooh, you're a
regular funny boy.
-Does that mean I'm funny?

-Dismissed!

-How you feeling now, Uncle Ted?

-Better.

-Better?

-Better get out of the way.

-Now I know why Uncle
Ted calls it the head.
He always heads there.

[BELL RINGING]

What's that?

TED: Dinner.

-Come on, Bobby.

Dinner.

-Are you the captain
and the first mate?
-No, young swabee,
I'm Purser Meeker.
Call me Gopher.

-Ahoy.

I'm Bartender Isaac Snerd.

-Honey?

-Oh, thank you, Fabio.

This is just such a perfect
true romance dinner.
[FLATULENCE]

[CHUCKLING]

-Mom sat on my whoopie cushion.

Isn't that funny?

[SOBBING]

-My son, the youngest,
just ruined dinner.
-Bobby, that is not funny.

-It would be in a
Jim Carrey movie.
-Oh, back from dinner so soon?

-Dad sent me back to my cabin.

-What for?

-Trying to be funny.

Do you know what's
funny, Uncle Ted?
-Well, right now, I
only know what sick is.
-They say it's supposed to
be good for being seasick.
[BURP]

-Oh, beg pardon.

Hey, that's a picker-upper.

[DRUM ROLL]

-What's that?

-Oh, it's showtime, Bobb-o.

Come on.

You know, I'm
feeling much better.
Let's go see the show
put on by the crew.
-Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, before the Mermaid
Dancers come out,
my partner, Purser Meeker--

-Call me Gopher.

-Gopher Broke-- and I will
improvise a funny skit
based on suggestions
from you, the audience.
-Improvise means since we don't
have any words written down,
we get to make up funny
stuff on the spot.
-Wow.

Now I'll learn what's funny.

-OK, how about a
suggestion, anything,
that would bring
to mind something
you would say on a ship
or on the open seas.
-Can you tell me what's funny?

-Hm, how about that little
scamp down here in front?
-Little scamp?

-I'm going to throw up.

-What?

-OK, now, how about it?

Come on, come on.

Something people say
on a ship every day.
-I think I'm gonna be sick.

[LAUGHTER]

-I fail to see
the humor in that.
-I can't work with it.

-That's it.

Now I know what's a funny
practical joke-- vomit.
And I know just when to do it.

Kelly, when is the
captain's dinner?
-I guess tomorrow.

-I can hardly wait.

Boy, I can't wait until the
captain's dinner tonight.
Did you ever notice when
you can't wait for something
to happen, you have
to wait a long time?
Hey, Uncle Ted,
wanna do something?
[GROAN]

-Guess not.

[KNOCKING]

Want to do something, Derek?

-Can't, dweeb-o.

I'm playing in the
ping pong tournament.
-Kelly, do you want
to do something?
[WHINING]

Guess love really can make
you as sick as Uncle Ted.
-Did I hear you
say you're looking
for something to
do, young buccaneer?
-Huh?

-How about a tour of the ship?

My partner is the
best tour guide
in the Cupid's Cruise fleet.

-Oh no, Senor Banderas of
the Bounding Main, it is you.
-[SCREAMING] Mom, can I
go on a tour of the ship?
-OK, there, Mister
Outside Voice, yeah.
Your dream vacation
wrecking dad's
gonna hit golf ba*ls
off the fan tail,
so I'm just all
alone here anyway.
Yeah, no, don't worry about me.

Yeah, sure.

You go ahead with Purser
Meeker and Bartender Snerd.
[SHOUTING]

-Now hear this, you
are privileged indeed,
Mr. Bobby, to actually
behold the most
important and secretive
place on the SS Amore.
-Wow.

SNERD: Cupid Central.

-Affirmative.

-Everything happy over here.

-Can I get an update?

CREW: Love is in the air.

-What's that?

-Bobby, on these
kinds of cruises,
most people think the
reason for all the romance
is the moonlight, ocean
air, and the oyster bar.
-But au contraire, it is
all due to our hard work.
-Call us Cupid's co-workers.

SNERD: Paramour's partners.

MEEKER: Romance's rangers.

The work is long and tedious.

-Our only reward?

The satisfaction of seeing
mushy stuff conquer all.
-You care too much.

-No, no, no, you-- you
are a hopeful romantic.
-Romantic?

That's what my mom wants to be.

Can you help?

-Helping others is our only joy.

-Bring us joy.

Tell us what
amorous arrow we may
pluck from our quiver of love.

-So that we may
employ it to pierce
the heart of this
victim of love.
-She wants to spend
romantic time with dad,
but he wants to hit golf ba*ls.

-Show me the lad's mother.

-Punch up the view
of the fan tail.
-Bing.

-Oh, help me, but this is
the part I love the best.
Go, Project Romeo!

Excellent first move.

SNERD: Targets are closing.

-We have contact.

-I'm not driving.

Come on, huh.

-Queen for a day is all.

MEEKER: We have romance!

[GIGGLING]

-Oh, Howard, this
is so romantical.
-Wow, Needlemeyer,
what a super name.
-Come on, Uncle Ted.

I gotta get to the
captain's dinner.
-You go ahead, Bobb-o.

I'm right behind you.

And for the first time, I
feel well enough to eat.
And boy, am I gonna eat.

Oh, jammed.

Well, no problem.

All I need is a coat hanger, and
I'll have to open in a jiffy.
Oh, no.

It's one of my
unremovable hangers.
Oh, I can't get out.

That's an irony.

[BURP]

-Excuse me.

Time for dessert.

-And my practical joke.

[APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Our first nominee
for the Peoples' Pick Practical
Joke Award is Jerry Stilskin,
for putting toothpaste
in his dad's suntan lotion tube.

Our second nominee
is Chery Shloe,
for giving her mother
a dribble glass.
Our third nominee
is Kyle Beckledorf,
for giving his mom a
hard-boiled egg to scramble.
Our final nominee is Bobby
Generic, for placing toy vomit
on the floor during
the captain's dinner.
An the winner is--

CROWD: [ANGRILY] Bobby!

-Bobby, what did you do?

-Hey, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.

I got locked in the cabin.

Boy am I starved.

What's that?

-It-- it's a practical joke.

I thought vomit was funny.

Oh, boy.

Am I in trouble?

-Yes, Mr. Man-sy, you are.

The captain wants to see you.

-Captain?

You wanted to see me?

-Bobby?

[BUZZING]

[CHUCKLING]

-Sorry, Bobby.

Why don't you sit here
in the captain's chair?
[FLATULENCE]

-A whoopie cushion?

-Sorry about that.

Listen, have a drink.

-Thanks, Captain.

[CHUCKLING]

[GIGGLING]

-You see, Bobby, I was
a kid like you once,
and I had a tough time
learning what's funny,
and-- well, frankly
what's not funny.
-It's hard.

Every time I think something
is funny, I get into trouble.
How'd you learn what's funny?

-Well, I would always give
myself a little test, Bobby.
I'd ask myself, am I
going to be a pest?
Would I think this is
funny if it happened to me?
Is it going to hurt
me, embarrass me,
or make fun of me,
or anger others?
-Oh, and if the
answer's yes, then
other people won't
think it's funny either.
-Yes, Bobby.

That's kind of it.

-Thanks, Captain Gifford.

I-- I think I got it.

[CLUNKING]

Ow!

[KNOCKING]

-Yello?

[KNOCKING]

-It's me.

I was joking.

-Yeah, all right.

I guess that was an OK joke.

You know, Bobby,
knowing what's funny
and what isn't is pretty hard.

It's all part of growing up.

You know, different people
find different things funny,
just like in the
world, you know.
Just ask that Mr. Leno
and that Miss Rosie.
-Boy, moms are as smart
as ship's captains.
Mom, do you know what's funny?

-You know, it depends
on many things.
Take Uncle Ted's gag
suspenders, for instance.
[CHUCKLING]

-Oh, that's a good one.

MARTHA: Yeah, well,
what's funny at a party
wouldn't be so funny at work.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-I can see what you mean.

-Write me, call me,
call me, write me.
Oh, I will just die without you.

Uh, figuratively
speaking, of course.
Don't forget to write me,
call me, call me, write me.
-Oh, Howie.

-Ooh!

-How-how?

Oh, Howard, you're
still the little scamp I
fell in love with,
don't you know.
-See any snack shops
out there, Bobb-o?
I'm starved.

-Nope.

Sorry, Uncle Ted.

Hey Derek, look.

An aircraft carrier.

-I don't see an
aircraft carrier.
[CHUCKLING]

-Gotcha!

-Yep, you sure did.

-Now, that was funny.

-Sure is, Bobby.

Right

in front of

it and hopefully so today

it's great

to prove myself to challenge

I don't think that's
why it just seems silly
girl.