06x10 - Bobby the Candidate

[bunniefuu]

-Well, how's everybody doing?

Welcome to "Bobby's World."

-Yeah, what he said.

-Well, not only is
today's show great.
But we have some
really special--
BOBBY: Wait-- w-- w-- wait.

Wait.

OK, before you go any
further, can I ask a question?
-Sure, go ahead.

BOBBY: OK, Howie,
here's the question.
OK-- OK, how much
wood could a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
-Hmm.

Eight.

-That's correct.

Let's start the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

[BELL RINGS]

-Today, class, we're going
to talk about elections.
[CLASS SNORES]

Does anyone know
what an election is?
-I do.

I do.

I do.

MRS. ORSO: Yes, Bobby.

What is an election?

-An election is a guy who
wears a tool belt that
pulls his pants down
so far in the back
that you can see the
top of his bottom.
He left a whole roll of
black tape at my house.
-That's an electrician, Bobby.

An election is how we choose
the people who lead our country.
-And to get elected
you give speeches
and tell people your ideas.

[YAWNS] Or maybe
your mama's ideas.
-I don't get it,
just don't get it.
-That's why we're
having our own election.
Today, we'll choose
our candidates.
And two days from today
will be speech day.
After the speeches, we will vote
for our new class president.
That leaves only two
days to campaign,
so anyone interested in running
had better start right now.
-Hey, what are you doing Bobby?

-I'm doin-- I'm doing
what Mrs. Orso said.
I'm running.

-Well you have cute
legs, Bobby, but I
don't think that's
what she meant.
-Now, who wants to be president?

[CHEERS]

-I'm president now.

In fact, I haven't
been absent all week.
-That's present, Bobby.

The president is our leader, the
highest authority, like a king.
-A king?

Of the class?

Ms. Orso, what do
I see before me?
-All the student's lunch
boxes, ready for you to choose
whatever desserts you
prefer, just as you decreed,
your highness.

BOBBY: Then why aren't
there more desserts?
I, Bobby, king of the class,
decree that our lunchboxes
be packed only with
cookies, candy, cupcakes,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Shall we dance?

I has come to my attention
that many of the girls
are taller than the boys.

Therefore, I decree,
off with their shoes.
MRS. ORSO: Yes, Bobby?

Bobby, are you raising your
hand to run for president?
-Yes.

-Oh, me, too, Me, too.

I wanna run.

[BELL RINGS]

[SHOUTS AND CHEERS]

-Make way for the king.

When I'm king--

-President.

---I wonder if I'll get
to move into a castle?
-You have such a loopy
sense of humor, Bobby.
-Ouch.

[SMOOCH]

Yuck.

-The President lives in
the White House, Bobby.
I know.

I saw "Bah-wah Wah-ters"
give a tour of it on TV.
-Oh!

I hate when that happens.

When I'm king, I'll never get
hit with a dodgeball again.
-You're running for
president, Bobby, not king.
But if you're going to win,
I think you'll need help.
How about if I
run your campaign?
-Sure.

It'll be easy because the
only other person running
is Cynthia, and she's a girl.

-Interesting thinking, Bobby.

Well, I'm all over
your campaign strategy,
why don't you go home
and make some signs.
-Yeah.

I'll make some signs.

OK, I'll make a stop sign
and a peace sign, and a--
-Bobby! [SCREAM]

-Well, for crying
in New Hampshire,
the national elections
are coming up,
and I'm trying to ring up
the gee golly vote here.
-Uh!

Mom, Bobby is coloring
with my new lip tint,
my brand new
cinnamon mango guava.
MARTHA: Bobby.

-I'm not coloring.

I'm making signs because I'm
running for king-- I-- I mean,
president of my class.

-Oh, for crying on
the White House lawn,
my Bobby is running
for class president?
Oh, I have to go.

But you remember, every
vote counts, don't ya know.
Bye-bye.

-Ugh, can I have
the phone please.
Thank you.

I have got to,
like, call the mall
and see if they've got
anymore cinnamon mango guava.
-OK, but make it snappy.

I still have 200 more votes
to get out, don't ya know.
And who told you to
turn the television
off the campaign channel.

-Why does every TV
in the house have
to be on the stupid campaign?

-Because politics gets my
gee golly juiced running,
don't ya know.

The only thing that
I don't like about it
is all that mud
slinging, et cetera.
-Mud slinging?

Sounds like fun.

[GIGGLES]

GIRL: Hey, watch out.

[CHATTER OF CHILDREN]

-I'll have to remember
to do some mud slinging
as soon as I get
to school tomorrow.
-Oh--oh, there's
the President now.
Oh.

Well, he's just the
most powerful person
in the gee golly
world, don't ya know.
That's why he has the
Secret Service guarding him
day and night, so nobody can
bother him there now then yet.
-Nobody can bother
the President.
-[GASPS] Bobby!

I can't believe you were
coloring with my lip tint
again.

[WHISTLE]

Ah!

MARTHA: Oh, for
the cry eye, Bobby
will make such a cute candidate.

-A candy date?

OK, as long as whoever my
date is brings the candy,
and there's no kissing.
[DOORBELL]
-Sis, you gotta
help me out here.
I'm running for president
of the Elephant Lodge,
and I need to borrow a tie.

-Yeah.

Truer words were never spoken.

What happened to that
one you're wearing, then?
-Uh, well, it got a little
wrinkled when I salvaged it
from a flood in the
department store, I guess.
-Uncle Ted, Uncle Ted.

Guess what?

I'm running for president, too.

-[CHUCKLE] Uh on.

Presidential noogies, Bobbo.
[CHUCKLE] Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm,
noogie, noogie, noogie.

Heh heh.

Just remember, Bobbo, you
can fool some of the people
some of the time.

But the next time, you
better have fresh fish.
-Come with me, Ted.

I'll see if I can
find that nice Elvis
clip-on I gave Howard
for his birthday.
-If you want to win,
Bobbo, campaign promises
are the way to go.

-Promises?

If I wanna win, I
have three things
to remember now-- signs,
mud slinging, and promises.
DEREK: Wise up, dweeb.

Everybody knows you
win by spreading rumors
about the person
running against you.
Heh heh heh.

-OK, four things-- signs, mud
slinging, promises rumors.
OK, mud slinging, make
promises, spread rumors.
Mud slinging, spread
rumors, make promises.
I promise I'll never use
Kelly's lipstick again.
[BELL RINGS]

OK, now rumors.

I'm not saying she
didn't brush her teeth.
I'm just saying
check her breath.
That's all-- that's
all I'm saying.
JACKIE: Spreading rumors?

Bobby, I don't approve
of your campaign methods.
-You will when I'm king.

-No, I won't.

And it's not king.

It's president.

-Oh, I almost
forgot-- mud slinging.
You're going to
like this, Jackie.
It's the funnest part
of my whole campaign.
-Oh!

You got it all
over my new dress!
-Politicians say, if
you can't take the mud,
get off the playground.

-Ugh!

That's it.

I quit.

I don't believe
in dirty politics.
BOBBY: I win!

I win!

I'm king!

-That does it, Bobby.

I can no longer
manage your campaign.
The two-party system
must be maintained.
And since Cynthia
has dropped out,
I'm going to run in her place.

[CHEERS]

-Am I in trouble?

-Have a cupcake.

Can I count on your vote?

-Whoa, you bet.

-Cupcake?

Vote for me, please.

-Sure.

-Vote for me.

-No.

-Vote for me.

-No.

-I wish I had a cupcake.

-Honey, do you-- do you think
you might be going a little bit
overboard with this
campaign thing?
-Overboard?

I don't get your drift, Howard.

Now, everybody dig in.

We don't want the George
Washington cheese and veggie
casserole to get
cold now there yet.
And now, a little
gee golly something
to get us all in the
convention night mood.
Pretty soon, you and I and
all the gee golly adults
in our family will be
getting the chance to vote,
don't you know.

-I cannot wait until I'm 18.

I am going to make, like, a
totally rad, informed voter.
HOWARD: Aw, look
Now there's confetti
all over the food, Martha.

-Oats.

I dyed them.

You know, you can
eat the red ones now.
-Aww.

-Oh, Howard, lighten up there.

I'm just excited about our
nation getting a brand spanking
new president, don't you know.

-Mom.

mom.

-Hold the phone there, Bobby.

They're about to start the vote.

-Mom, can you make me some
cupcakes for my campaign
so I can make people
vote for me, so I can win
and be president?

-Uh-huh.

That's good, hon.

We'll talk in a minute.

-What am I gonna do?

I have to have something
for my campaign.
-I'm telling you, he, like,
totally ravaged my lip tint.
Uh!

Go away, you little troll.

-Thank you.

KELLY: Like, find a
new place to dwell.
-Thank you.

Kelly is so giving.

Teddy bear for your vote.

Giraffe for your vote.

-I have cookies.

-How about a can of beets?

-Get you pizza pie right here.

[FRANTIC SHOUTING]

MRS. ORSO: Children,
children, now, now, now.
For goodness sakes,
what's going on here?
Bobby, why are you shirtless?

-I gave Russ the
shirt off my back.
I'll get him back tomorrow.

I promise.

--[SOBS] Like, I totally
loved those stuffed animals.
-Well, I am a mother
scorned is all.
My little boy thought he had
to buy votes, for corn sakes.
-Hey, sis, could you show me how
to work this clip-on tie again.
I think it's broken.

-Not until you tell me what
you told my little candidate.
He's been trying to buy votes,
for crying in a scandal sheet.
Crimeinitly, Ted, you just
make darn sure that Bobby
understands what in the
Sam Hills of Wisconsin
you told him about
running for office.
Come with me now, hon.

I'll make you a nice cup
of oat bran tea there then.
-You know, I think you got
the wrong idea there, Bobbo.
Buying votes is wrong--
ill*gal in some states.
Kissing babies,
shaking hands, that's
the way to win an election.

And a platform
doesn't hurt either.
You know, something to stand on.

Hey, who knows?

I might even try that myself.

-Kiss babies, shake
hands, get a platform.
MARTHA: Bobby, you're missing
flavor-filled fiber flapjacks.
[SMOOCH]

-Well, for rolling my oats.

What are you doing in
the twins' room, Bobby?
-Shaking hands and
kissing babies--
and this is my platform.

And may I say, those curlers
look most attractive on you.
I hope I can count on your vote.

-You know, Howard, I'm
worried that Bobby is confused
about the political
process itself.
-Hey, maybe it would help
if Bobby came to the lodge
and watched me give
my speech tonight.
Where's the ketchup?

-Oh, no, I don't--

-Oh, no.

---I don't think
that would be great.
-There's-- absolutely no.

[PANTING AND BARKING]

-If you vote for me, I'll let
you dig anywhere you want.
-Hey, Bobbo.

How would you like to come
watch your Uncle Ted give
his big speech at the
Elephant Lodge tonight?
-Sure, Uncle Ted.

-You know, the key thing
about giving a speech
is to start with a joke, Bobbo.

-What if they don't
like my speech
and don't want to vote for me?

-Aw, don't worry.

You never give up
'till it's over,
and it ain't over until
the fat lady sings.
-Start with a joke.

It ain't over until the
fat lady sings-- got it.
-There are two sides to every
issue, and we take both.
For example, I'm Meeker.

I'm right wing.

-And I would be Snerd.

I'm the left thigh,
extra crispy.
-And together--

-We're in the middle.

-That's because we're
politically chicken.
[CLUCKS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: And
now, let's hear it
for our other candidate, Ted.

-Go Ted go.

Bring some oats.

-Yeah, you tell 'em, Ted.

-Fellow Elephants,
let me start by asking
you this very
important question.
Why did the elephant
cross the road?
Well, it was the
chicken's day off.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

And in conclusion,
I want to say,
I think we should have double
cheese night, no tip night,
and best of all,
all fried Fridays.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-Man, you really
had them going, Ted.
-Yep.

I felt so good
about the election,
I didn't even vote for myself.

Oh, what could one vote
matter anyway, huh?
-If I could just give a
speech like Uncle Ted,
then I'd be the king--
I mean, the president.
[BELL RINGS]

-Just remember
two things, Bobbo.
Always start with a
joke, and it ain't
over 'till the fat lady sings.

-And if you elect me
as your president,
I propose accelerated reading
programs for gifted students,
cool-down period after recess,
and healthier, low-fat lunches.
Thank you very much.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-And now, Bobby Generic.

-Uh, oh--- start with a joke.

Start with a joke-- OK.

Why did the elf cross the road?

Because it was the
chicken's day off.
Heh.

Get it?

[SNORES]

-And in closing, I say we have
no tip night, double cheese
night, and all fried Fridays.

[SLOW CLAPPING]

Uh oh, it's over.

Wait-- wait, it ain't over
'till the fat lady sings.
MRS. ORSO: Thank you, Bobby.

That was something.

Now we have a little treat.

Mrs. Raspini, the
new music teacher,
is going to sing for us.

[OPERATIC SINGING]

-Uh oh.

It's over.

-Thank you, Mrs. Raspini, for
that inspired performance.
You have sung.

Our candidates have spoken.

Let the voting begin.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

-Let the voting begin?

[EXCITED CHATTER]

-Mr. Chairperson, could we have
everybody back in their chairs.
Now, could we get a
response from the third row.
-Madame Orso, the
great third row,
the class class of preschoolers,
the great Red Schoolhouse,
the great--

MRS. ORSO: Get on
with it, please.
-Uh, we all cast our
votes for Jackie.
-If everyone will
return to their seats,
the votes have been counted.

The final results are
Jackie, 18, and Bobby, 2.
Congratulations, Jackie.

You're our new class president.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-Two?

Let's see.

I voted for me.

And then that means
I just got one vote?
I lost.

-And Jackie, I would
like to say that you made
some very good points
in your campaign.
-Thank you, Mrs. Orso,
fellow classmates.
What I wanted out
of this campaign
was to have my ideas heard and
to give the voters of class
a choice of more
than one candidate.
Now that I have
laid the groundwork,
I hereby resign my
presidency and leave the duty
of public office
to Bobby Generic.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-I won?

I won!

-Now that you've
learned a few lessons,
you'll make a great
president, Bobby.
I was the other person who
voted for you. [SMOOCH]
-Yuck.

--[BURP] I lost by
one lousy vote.
You voted for me,
didn't you, Howard?
-Uh-- urgh-- secret ballot, Ted.

I don't-- I-- I don't
think I'm supposed to tell.
-Well, Ted, I hate to be the
bad anchovy in your load here.
But you didn't even take the
time to vote for yourself,
don't you know.

-How did I know I was going
to lose by one vote, sis.
You know, I could use
a little less criticism
and just a little more sympathy.

MARTHA: Well, how about
a little strawberry
lentil cake then instead.

-OK.
BOBBY: I won.
I won.

I won, I won!

I'm the president of the class.

-All right, the dweeb won.

-Oh, Bobby, that
is so wonderful.
Oh, for waving in
the fields of green.
Only in America.

Howard, I am the First Mom.

-Congratulations, son.

-Group noogie.

-Not in my--

-No, Ted.

-No.

-Did you win too, Uncle Ted?

-Oh, it was the closest
race ever, Bobbo.
Edged out by just one vote.

-Well, it just shows
to go you, every vote
does count, don't ya know.

-So, like, um, what
does the president
of a kindergarten
class do, Bobby?
-I don't know, but it
must be pretty good.
-And now, if president Bobby
will come forward and accept
his presidential responsibility.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Take these symbols of
your presidential office,
and clean them.

-Well, I did find out
one thing, Jackie.
Being king-- I mean,
being president,
isn't what I thought.

There's no castle,
no free lunches.
-Heh, heh.

Yeah, Bobby, I knew that.

-Hey, let's play dodge ball.

[WHISTLE]

-But being president does
have a few advantages.
[GIGGLE]

-Well, that's our show.

So until next time--

-Wait.

Howie, you gonna end
the show just like that?
-What do you mean?

-Who made you the boss?

You can't just decide to
end the show yourself.
-Well, what do
you suggest we do?
-Well, where have you been.

Let's vote.

-OK, fine.

All of those in favor of ending
the show now, raise your hand.
-Now, that's fair.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]