03x12 - Ill Effects

[bunniefuu]

-Hi.

I'm Howie, and this is Bobby.

-Hi.

-Hear me out.

I just thought it might
be fun to do something
a little different, like
maybe have a contest.
-What kind of contest?

-How about a dance contest?

-You mean during the show, the
people at home should dance?
-Oh, what can they win?

HOWIE: Nothing.

-Boy, Howie.

You really know how
to put on a show.
-Thanks.

-OK, everybody, start dancing.

[THEME MUSIC]

-[WHIMPERING]

-Kind sir?

[WIND BLOWING]

-Could you spare
some time, please?
-Ugh, for you?

Get real.

-Yeah.

Out of the way, shrimp.

-A little time, ma'am?

Just a second or two.

Please?

-Aw, you're a sweet kid.

But I have these
gee-golly twins,
and I don't have any time
left for anybody else.
Sorry.

[BABIES CRYING]

-Mom.

You're always doing stuff
for those dumb twins.
-Well, lock me up, Bobby.

I can't just let them
lie there and cry.
They need me, don't you know.

Oh, Bobby, now cheer up.

"Kip and Squash" will
be on any minute now.
-I never have Mom
to myself anymore.
MAN [ON TV]: We'll be back
with more daring detective
adventures after these
important messages.
-I like to keep busy.

Every morning, I run a marathon.

[CHEERING]

-Serve a gourmet
breakfast to my family,
and go to my incredibly
challenging job.
But when my little
boy gets a cough,
my world comes to
a screeching halt.
-Wow.

-[COUGHING]

WOMAN [ON TV]: That's why
I rely on Cough No More.
BOBBY: Yeah.

Betcha that'll work for me.

[SNIFFING] [COUGHING] Mom.

I don't feel so good.

-Oh, let's get you
all comfy here.
And you stay put.

I'll be right back
to check your temp.
-OK, Mommy.

Told you it would work.
[LAUGHING] Uncle Ted.
-Hey, Bob-O. Heard you were
feeling under the weather.
-Under the weather?

-Oh, don't worry
about it, Bob-O.
These frosted chili chips
ought to cheer you right up.
[SNIFFS] Ugh.

No sweetener.

[GIGGLING] Oh, just enough to
cut through the bitter taste.
Oh, starting to bob up.

Need something to stir it with.

Stay put, Bob-O. Aha ha.

Now that's a cup of Joe.

MARTHA: Ted, check Bobby's
temperature, will ya?
I'm changing the twins.

-No problemo, Sis.

Woah.

That's a fever.

Oh, you really are sick, Bob-O.

-I am?

Hey.

I was waiting for Mom.

You're not Mom.

-Gee, guess we can't
fool you, Dweebenheimer.
-Wow.

You mean I finally get to play
Sea Battle Command with you?
-Time out.

Time out.

We've got to set
the board first.
-At ease.

Forward torpedo [INAUDIBLE].

-Aye, aye, Commander Bobby.

[g*nf*re]

-I got you now, Derek.

[g*nf*re]

-[CACKLING] [INAUDIBLE].

Game's over, doofus.

You took too long to move.

-B-b-b-but--

-You know what's nice here?

Seeing my boys playing together.

Derek, would you give
Bobby another fruit cup?
-Dork.

-This isn't exactly
going like I planned.
-[LAUGHING] Ew.

Like, do you believe she
actually said that to him?
-Ouch.

Kelly, could you--

-Bobby, can you not see
that I am on the phone?
Just because you're
sick doesn't mean
the whole world revolves
around you, you know?
MARTHA: Kel, make sure
Bobby's vaporizer is on, OK?
-Sure, Mom.

No way.

What a geek.

OK.

So like, what did she said?

Uh-huh.

Like, what did he say?

Uh-huh.

[WIND BLOWING]

[GROWLING]

[ROARING]

-Come on, you stupid vaporizer.

TED: Woah, what's
the problem, Bob-O?
You look a little
panicked there, buddy.
What's with the fog?

It's kind of stuffy in here.

[COUGHING] Yeah Get some air.

That's, uh, that's better, huh?

Just wanted to make sure
you're doing OK before your dad
and I hit the links.

-Y-you know
something, Uncle Ted?
I think I really am sick.

-Aw, look, being
sick isn't so bad.
I mean, so what if Kelly
and Derek get to go
to the corner carnival,
and you don't?
-The corner carnival?

-Yeah, it's a nightmare.

Remember last year?

You threw up in the
brain scrambler.
Then you got lost in
the Hall of Mirrors.
Nobody could find you for hours.

Oh, boy.

And I thought that line for
the bathroom would never end.
-Yeah, I remember.

It was the best time I ever had.

-Uncle Ted, I wasn't really
sick, I was just-- [SNEEZING]
I don't feel so good.

Oh, no.

Now I really am sick.

This isn't fair, Webbly.

All I wanted to do was
spend some time with Mom.
Now I'm stuck in
bed, and the twins
have her all to themselves.

-Well, son, you're uh,
you're-- you're sick, huh?
BOBBY: Uh-huh.

-Oh, make sure Bobby takes
his medicine, Howard.
-Right-O. I knew that.

OK, then, Bobby, uh, you
heard your-- your mother.
--[SLOBBERING]
[BURPING] [HOWLING]
[BURPING]

-That's funny.

Roger usually eats anything.

-I don't want any of that stuff.

-Oh, you don't?

Uh, well, I see.

-Come on, Howard.

It's almost tee time.

-Ted, don't wear your golf
spikes in the house, OK?
-Oops. [LAUGHS] Sorry.

That's a scar.

Hey, how about some
of noogies, Bobby boy?
-He does it every time,
even when you're sick.
-What's the hold up, Howard?

Lets hit the links.

-Well, we can't go, Ted, until
Bobby takes his cough syrup.
-Is that all?

Hey, leave it to me.

You run along and--
-Thanks, Ted.
Bye, Bobby.

-I'll catch up.

Now Bobby, why don't you just
chug it and get it over with?
-No.

-Your mom wants you to.

-Roger and Webbly want you to.

-No.

TED: I got $10 in my
wallet that wants you to.
-$10?

OK.

-Heh.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Let's see.

Oh, I forgot my wallet.

Hey, how about an IOU?

-No.

-I don't blame you, Bobby.

sh**t.

When I was a kid,
I'd do anything
not to take my medicine.

-Really?

Like what?

-Well, I used to tell my mother
that if she told me a story,
then I might consider it.

-Now we're talking.

-Now down the hatch, buckaroo.

-If you tell me a story,
I might consider it.
-[SIGHS] OK.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, I got it.

A horse walks into
the Red Cowboy Saloon.
See, the bartender takes
one look at him and says,
say, partner, why the long face?

The end.

Ha ha.

Get it?

Long face.

A horse.

Get it?

Now pass the lips
over them gums.
Look out, tummy, here it comes.

-I want a real story.

Like a, like a fairytale.

-Uh, let's see.

A fairytale, huh?

Um.

All right.

Let's see.

OK.

Once upon a time,
a really long time
ago, there was a little
boy named Jack Beanstalker.
-Wait a minute.

Couldn't Jack be me?

-Uh, yeah.

Why not.

Sure.

Bobby Beanstalker.

Anyway, Bobby
Beanstalker lived alone
with his mother, Grandoon.

-Ah, honey.

Ha ha.

This is your favorite
recipe, twig soup.
-Wait.

Couldn't Grandoon be Mom?

-Um, sure.

Sure, no problem.

-Your favorite.

Here now then, twig
soup, don't you know.
-Thanks.

It looks delicious.

-Oh, for corns sakes,
Bobby Beanstalker.
If we go on like this,
we'll gee-golly starve.
Now, when you finish
supper, I want
you to take Roger Cow to market.

Sell him for as much as you can,
and make sure you bring back
enough food to last the winter.

-[MOOING]

TED: So Bobby Beanstalker traded
his cow for handful of beans,
and his mother got
really angry and threw
the beans out the window.

Then she took Bobby
Beanstalker to a therapist,
and they lived
happily ever after.
The end.

OK.

Bottoms up, Bob-O.

-What about the part where
Bobby Beanstalker gets
lost in the woods on
the way to the market?
-Oh, oops.

That might eat right
through the wood.
Ha ha.

Uh, yeah, lost in the woods.

Uh, OK.

Yeah, I forgot that part.

Yeah, right.

-Phew.

That was a close one.

-There's nothing to be
scared of, Roger Cow.
-[MOOING]

-Hi there, little fellow.

What are you doing in
these creepy old woods?
-I seem to be lost.

Hey, who are you, Mister?

-I'm, uh, uh.

-Uncle Ted, maybe he
could be Geppetto.
TED: Uh, whatever.

-Yeah, that's,
yeah t-- that's it.
My name's, uh, Geppetto.

I'm-- I'm lost too.

BOBBY: Hold on.

Hold on.

Uncle Ted, what's going on here.

-What do you mean?

-Well, why is that bird
biting Bobby Beanstalker?
--[CHUCKLES] Oh, that
was just a woodpecker.
Uh, did I forgot to
mention that Bobby
Beanstalker was a wooden puppet?

Yeah, he was made out of wood.

See, and his middle
name was Pinocchio.
See?

He was a puppet.

-Oh.

OK.

This is getting good.

TED: OK.

So like I was saying, uh,
Pinocchio and Geppetto
decided to team up.

Uh, they were kind of like,
their own little union.
You know, except,
no health plan.
-E-excuse me.

Could you like, kindly
direct me to Grandma's Place?
BOBBY: W-w-w-wait a minute.

Uncle Ted, who is she?

And why does she want to
go to Grandma's Place?
-Uh, because.

-Because why?

-Because Grandma's is a fast
food restaurant, and the kids
are looking for a place to eat.

OK?

That's why.

-Oh.

Why didn't you say so
in the first place?
-I'm sorry.

But we don't know
of any such place.
-Oh.

Well, that's OK.

[HOWLING] I'll just eat here.

[GROWLING]

BOB: [SCREAMING]
Uncle Ted, stop!
TED: Now what's
the problem, Bob-O?
-You're scaring me.

-Oh. [LAUGHS] Sorry, kiddo.

Well, anyway, the wolf,
uh, moves in on Pinocchio.
And at the last second, well
then, here comes Geppetto.
And he jumps in waving
a big stick, see.
So then the wolf chases
after him instead.
And then stuff
really gets weird.
-Uncle Ted.

TED: Oh, sorry, sorry.

So while the wolf is chasing
Geppetto, Pinocchio and his cow
get away.

All right.

You already know
what happens after
that, so here's mud
in your eye, Bob-O.
-Wait.

-What now?

My golf game starts
in five minutes.
You've got to take
your medicine.
-No, I don't.

You forgot the best part.

-Oh, I did?

-Yeah.

The story isn't
over yet, Uncle Ted.
-[LAUGHS] It's not?

-[GIGGLING]

MARTHA: Now, if this isn't
just the gee-golly cutest
thing I ever saw.

And how's my little
patient doing?
-Oh, great.

Just great.

Ha ha.

In fact, Bobby was just
about to take his medicine.
-No, I wasn't.

Uncle Ted hasn't
finished the story yet.
-Yeah, that's nice.

--[LAUGHS] Hey,
here's a crazy idea.
Why don't you finish
the story, sis?
-Yeah, Mom.

-Well, you know, I'd love to.

But I have to powder
the twin's bun wads.
You boys have fun now.

-Ugh.

Let's see.

Pinocchio and his cow
were about to meet--
uh, you tell me, Bob-O.

-Hansel and Gretel.

-Great.

Fine.

OK.

In another part of the forest.

-Where you headed, Brainless?

-I'm on the way to the
market with my cow.
-Heh.

What do you take me for?

A dweeb like you?

That's no cow.

That's a dog with phony horns.

-[BARKS]

-He's-- he's a special breed.

I'm gonna trade
him for some food.
-Ugh.

Thank you so very much.

We're starving to death, and
he starts talking about food.
DEREK: Knock it off.

BOBBY: Hey, if we can
find Grandma's Place,
there'll be enough
food for all of us.
-[BARKING]

-Good.

All right.

Food.

TED: The place was packed.

And watching over
everybody was Grandma.
BOBBY: Hey.

She looks just like Aunt Ruth.

TED: Yeah.

Kind of scary, huh?

-Oooh, you're so cute,
I could just eat you up.
-Is it just me, or is that
a pretty terrifying thing
to say to a kid?

-I don't allow people to bring
cows into Grandma's Place.
-Oh.

He is not with me.

I don't know how he got in here.

BOBBY: Uncle Ted, he just lied.

Shouldn't his nose grow?

TED: Uh, yeah, yeah.

Sure.

Whatever you want.

-Oh, you shouldn't
fib to Grandma.
-Ah, I'm stuffed.

-Yeah, like totally ditto.

-Oh, well, I see you two have
really enjoyed my cooking.
-Sure did.

-Totally.

-Then here's your bill.

-Ugh.

But we don't have any money.

-Well, then you're mine
to do with as I please.
[CACKLING]

-You're going to stuff that
reconstituted cream filling
into those [INAUDIBLE], make
the synthetic chocolate chips
for my artificial brownies,
and help me woo the appetites
of little boys and
girls everywhere.
[CACKLING]

-[SNORING]

-What happened to Hansel and
Gretel after that, Uncle Ted?
Did they get away?

-Uh, no.

Uh, they stayed and worked
their way up to branch managers
before opening
their own franchise
and getting filthy rich.

OK, open up, Bobby Boy.

To your health.

Aw, come on, Bobby.

I mean, what's the
worst that could
happen if you just
drink this stuff?
-[PANTING]

[DING]

-I don't know, actually.

Should I take it?

-[GROWLING] [BARKING]

-OK.

Here goes nothing.

-Eek. [WHEEZING] [SCREAMING]
[COUGHING] [SCREAMING]
I won't take it.

I won't. [MUFFLED SPEECH]

-That's it.

I don't want to
have to this, but--
-No, Uncle Ted.

Don't do it.

-Ha ha.

There, see?

Nothing to it.

[WHEEZING] [GRUNTING]

-Uncle-- Unce Ted.

[SCREAMING] Gosh.

-Hey, what did I
tell you, Bob-O?
No problem.

Now, come on.

Take a swig.

-Uh-uh.

-[CRYING] Martha!

-Is there a problem here, Ted?

-I can't get Bobby
to take his medicine.
He's had me up here
for hours, telling
him all sorts of stories.

-I couldn't take it, Mom,
because Uncle Ted didn't give
me a glass of water
to wash it down.
-What?

All this time,
you've been waiting
for a stinking glass of water?

MARTHA: Oh, here you go, hon.

-Thanks, Mommy.

Ugh.

-Now, that wasn't half
bad, was it Bobby?
-No.

I guess not.

-Phew.

At last.

I'm out of here.

You can call me.

[SHOUTING] Aw.

I don't feel so good.

-That's my Little Leaguer.

And how are you feeling, Bobby?

-I'm still sick, Mom.

But not as sick as they are.

-[COUGHING] Mom.

[GROANING, COUGHING]

-Aw, what would I do
without you, Bobby?
-OK, everybody.

Mommy says it's time for you
to take your cough medicine.
ALL: No, no, no.

-Get that out of here.

-OK.

Then I guess I'll just
have to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was a--

-Woah.

Hey, hold it right there.

ALL: We'll take it.

We'll take it.

-It works every time. [LAUGHS]

-Bye, everyone.

-Hold it.

Hold everything.

Hold everything OK.

Lisa [INAUDIBLE]
from Ames, Iowa.
-Who's that?

-The winner of the contest.

-Huh?

-You don't remember?

The dance contest from the
beginning of the show, Bobby.
Heh.

Lisa, we have nothing for you.

And you can pick that
up any time you want.
-What do we have for Ed Merrick
from Madison, Wisconsin?
-Nothing.

-Wow.

How many of these
prizes can we give away?
-As many as we want.

-Great.

Bye for now.

Make sure you tune in next time.

And everybody who
does will get nothing.
-Can't get that
from any other show.
[THEME MUSIC]