07x21 - Slapshot to the Heart

[bunniefuu]

-Uh-huh.
-Darn tootin'.

-Well, I'll be.
-Done reckon.

What are you fellas
talking about?

To be completely honest,

I forgot.

Oh, good.
I thought it was just me.

I was one "yippee-ki-yay" from
running out of cowboy jargon.

-It's Lou, right?
-Yeah.

I own Kikiwaka Ranch.

I'm also
a bit of a cowgirl myself.

You don't say?

So, are you an expert
in the three Rs,

ropin', ridin' in wranglin'?

I know the last one
starts with W,

but we're phonetic folk.

No, I just like cows
since I grew up
with them. [chuckles]

On a dairy farm,

not like a "baby raised
by cattle" situation.

Sarsaparilla, on the house.

Ah, ha.
Would you look at that?

A free treat
I didn't have to scoop up

off the highway first.
[nervous laugh]

Please change the subject.

Well, now that
the Brobbler business
is boomin',

me and my investors
have even more plans
for Dusty Tush.

I just bought the land
next to your ranch.

Possum Parts Plains?
Good time to buy.

Vultures finally
picked it clean
of all the... parts.

Well, now that
we're neighbors,

looks like we'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.

I'll be looking forward to it

more than a gap-toothed hog
in velvet overalls.

A gap-toothed hog reference?

Have you spent time
in southern Montana?

-Uh-huh.
-Darn tootin'.

Well, I'll be.

Done reckon.

Ah, we're in the well again.

[all] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

-Hey, Destiny.
-I didn't do it!

Wow, Winnie is really
rubbing off on me.

No. I was gonna ask
if you would come

check out Ski-kiwaka with me.

I set up a doorbell cam
to keep an eye on things

before I open
the camp this winter.

Check this out.

[Destiny]
What am I looking at?

They're trespassers,

which I prefer
to the notifications I get

of wolves peeing
on my porch, but still!

It's so blurry I can't
even tell what they're doing.

Yeah, I could only afford
the cheapest camera.

My other option was to hire
the local caricature artist,

but he refuses to work in

below freezing temperatures.

It's like, "Where's
your work ethic, Dennis?"

So why do you need me to go up
to Ski-kiwaka with you?

Because you're a dear friend

and a fantastic
problem solver.

[sighs]

You want me to walk
ten feet in front of you

-with a baseball bat,
don't you?
-Yes. Please.

C'mon, Tina,
we've got work to do.

What is he doing?

I think he's using that wall

to figure out how long
the measuring tape is.

Even for you, buddy...

Hey, Ryder,
what are you up to?

Oh, hey. Me?

Well, I'm, uh...

using the wall to figure out

how long my measuring tape is.

In your face.

As convincing as that was,

what are you
really doing here?

Ding! Oh,

that's my oven timer.

I'm coming, oven!

That's so weird.

You know earlier he told me

he bought up
the land next door

and has big plans
for the area.

Maybe he's after
my ranch, too.

So last week we thought
this guy was up to no good,

then we learned he was good,
and now he's up to no good?

I'm so confused
I've almost come full circle

to understanding it.

He's just like everyone else

who's buttered me up
only to con me.

Pa Gordon Clementine,

that reality show producer,

Oliver the super fan,
Boomer Gower,

my coven of witches,

now that I'm saying
this out loud,

I am really starting
to take it personally.

Wow, this camp's a real
revolving door of weirdos.

[chuckles] Good thing
we're team normal.

Time to teach Ryder a lesson.

That mealy-mouthed
wannabe cowboy

will be sorry he ever
stepped foot on my ranch.

-Winnie...
-[intense] Say it.

Say the words.

-You're unleashed.
Do your worst.
-It will be done.

Lou, I don't think that was
really his oven timer.

You're welcome.

Did Lou assign you
cooking chores

or is this just
how you crazy kids
are dressin' these days?

I can't keep track
of your baggy pants
and your weird hats.

No, I'm just trying
to distract myself.

The letter from
Juilliard comes today

that says
if I got in or not.

Wow, that's huge.
Are you excited?

Mostly I'm just nervous.

Being a part of their
prestigious acting school

means I get
to hone my skills,
master my craft

and tell people
I went to the same school

as Steve the Gute, Guttenberg.

This looks pretty good.

Nope, my eyes lied.
What is in my mouth?

I call it
S'muna-fish casserole.

It's a mashup
of tuna and s'mores.

Is this white stuff
marshmallow or mayo?

[chuckles] Yes.

Maybe try
distracting yourself
with something else.

-Like what?
-Let's think.

What could a full-time
camp counselor
have to do all day?

I don't know,
that's why I'm asking.

[shivering]
This is way too cold.

I'm from Tallahassee.

The one time
it got below 70 degrees,

the weatherman quit.

Remember, the trespassers
could be dangerous,

so we need to prepare
for the worst.

Wait. Are are these deaf?

Oh, no, happy children
playing ice hockey.

I'm terrified.

Check it out.
We have fans.

Hey, guys, I'm Destiny,

and this is Parker.

Well, I didn't know
you could sign.

Yeah, I'm learning.

I also know
a little French, German

and the entire NATO alphabet.

There's a lot
you don't know about me.

And a lot you can't.

[interpreting]
He's Miles and I'm Lucy.

You guys are welcome
to stay and watch,

but we're not
signing autographs
until the game is over.

I'm sorry, kids,
but it's not safe

for you to play
up here unsupervised.

[interpreting] We've lived
in Dusty Tush our whole lives,

and we come up here
all the time to play.

He's right.

Now, where were we
before these old geezers
interrupted us?

Excuse me?
I am a regular-aged geezer,

thank you very much.

C'mon, Parker,
you need to go over there
and demand that they leave.

I don't know.
When I open Ski-kiwaka,

I don't wanna be
super strict all the time.

I mean, look at these
baby-soft hands.

They're too delicate
to rule with an iron fist.

Okay. Well, how are you going
to get them to leave?

I have an idea.

But first I must moisturize...

for battle.

See? What'd I tell ya?

If it's yellow, let it mellow?

No! That I knew
Ryder would come back.

Ready to do this?

I can't make
yellow on command, Winnie.

Now's the time,
she'll never see it coming.

The plan's a go.

What in tarnation?

Ha! Gotcha!

Tell your oven timer
you're not gonna
be home tonight.

Hey, guys, I know we don't
know each other that well,

but I'm not a big fan
of tiny jails.

We're foiling your evil plot
to steal Kikiwaka,

and learning to flush
when appropriate.

You think I wanna
steal your camp?

Come on, we know
what you're up to.

Measuring the mess hall?
Buying up nearby land?

Deviously skulking
around the lawn?

Yeah, for a gift
I'm giving Lou!

And for the record,
it wasn't a skulk.

It was a delicate saunter.

Likely story.

Where is this gift?

You mean that cow topiary
rolling in right behind you?

"To Lou, seeing you
puts me in a great moo-d."

Delightful pun.

-See?
-Why are you
giving Lou a gift?

I like her.

I was trying
to ask her on a date.

Wow. A quick conversation
really could have
cleared all this up.

So us.

Well, Lou doesn't like you.

She called you
a "mealy-mouthed
wannabe cowboy."

-She actually said that?
-Yeah.

She also said,
"Jake, quit putting
your underwear

"in the microwave."
Which is irrelevant

but I'm bummed,
and I need to vent.

Bill, check it out.

I've got a new plan
to take my mind off
the Juilliard letter

that still hasn't shown up.

Oh, is this one
a project for camp?

Better, it's paleontology.

Y'know, maybe I was
too hard on S'muna-fish.

Are you sure
you wanna spend the day

randomly digging holes
for fossils?

It's better than worrying
about the infinite black hole

that is my future.

Oh, look!
I found something!

Life has meaning again!

It's just a bag.

Or is it a bag
full of dinosaur bones?

It is not a ba...

Oh, man, now
you have me curious.

[squirts]

This has been
a fun day so far.

Look, there's a note.

"Congrats.
You have found my contraband.

"When I see you covered
in blue paint, I will end you.

"Yours in revenge, Winnie."

Aw, that adorable
little scamp.

Adorable? Noah,
I have been marked for death!

Yeah. You should run.

Okay, guys,
time to settle this.

Winner stays.

Loser leaves,

having discovered
a newfound respect
for their elders.

[interpreting] You're on.

Since your weak
and brittle bones
need some sustenance,

we're gonna
feed you this biscuit!

Ooh, they've got biscuits?

Biscuits are hockey pucks.

That was a sick burn.
Keep up.

Are you sure we can win?

I don't know
anything about hockey.

Don't worry, I'm Canadian.
Hockey's in my blood.

Never played a day in my life,
but I bet it'll be okay.

[kids laughing]

Can I switch teams?

Maybe that was a lucky shot.

[gasping] Okay,

maybe that was a whole lot
of lucky shots.

Hey, great game.

I'm sure you dominate
the 65-and-over league.

Did you know hockey involved
this much skating?

Florida.

Good news.
We got rid of Ryder
that good-for-nothing cowboy.

And I found
a four-leaf clover.

Unrelated, but yay for me.

Did you also find out
why that guy was trying
to steal my camp?

Actually, he wanted
to ask you out on a date.

Even brought a gift.
What a weirdo.

Oh, he did?

Really?

Why are you
saying it like that?

And why are you
twirling your hair

like you wanna
go on a date with him?

Oh, my gosh,
you wanna go
on a date with him!

Well, we were
really hitting it off

before I thought
he was the enemy.

That guy really puts
the "ow" in cowboy.

I could've gone
my whole life
without hearing that.

I only unleashed you on Ryder

because I thought
he was trying
to steal my camp.

Now I feel really bad
that we trapped him
in that cage.

You what?

It was only for like an hour.

Also be on the lookout
for a $2,000 charge
from The Cage Store.

Oh, since you trapped him
in a $2,000 cage,

it's gonna take
a grand gesture to fix this.

You guys are gonna help me
apologize and ask Ryder out.

You don't need
a grand gesture.

You just need a little luck.

Jake...

It's a three-leaf clover.

Foiled by counting again!

Guys, guys. Everyone!
Run for your lives!

The legend
of Tush Mountain is true.

[interpreting]
Is that the legend about

how snow tastes
like cotton candy?

Because it was bogus.

It mostly tastes
like wolf pee.

[Parker roars]

No. It's the legend about

how all who loiter
on this mountain

will be devoured
by a snow beast!

Who is currently
missing his cue!

I can't see anything
out of this mask.

Why are the eye holes
so small? I mean...

[roars]

Victims are
this way, snow beast!

[roars, gasps]

Nice fall, old man.

How's that hip?

[kids laughing]

Great. Now,
how are we going

to tactfully
get the kids to leave?

Oh, we're done with tact.

I'm gonna lay down the law!

But first,
I'm gonna lay down here

[groaning] because
my sciatica is acting up.

So, what's the next
terrible activity?

Barbecuing,
except I'm on the rotisserie?

Embroidery, and my hand
gets sewn to my face?

And why am I
giving you more ideas?

I'm done distracting myself.

An acceptance letter
from Juilliard

wouldn't be delivered
this late. I didn't get in.

It would have taken my career
to the next level.

But now the only thing
left for me to do
is sigh dramatically.

[sighs dramatically]

Seriously,
you're a camp counselor!

There's
a beginner's swim class
that has no lifeguard!

Please don't mention class
to someone who just lost out
on his dream school.

Juilliard!

I'm sorry,
but there's other
acting schools.

I hear
the University of Twin Cheeks
has a great drama program.

Bill.

Their fall play
was Mary Poopins.

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Lou, I can't believe
you're doing this.

Just let me know
when Ryder's here

so I can jump out
and surprise him.

This is gonna be so romantic.

Okay, we're ready
for Lou's message to Ryder.

[reading]

Is it just me,
or is this way too thirsty?

Ryder's coming.

Winnie, Jake,
y'all wanted to see me?

He said, now wondering
why he returned
to the scene of his abduction.

You bet.
We have a message
for you straight from Lou.

Guys, get back in line!

I love that
you're a disrupter, Caleb,
but not right now!

[reading]
"Oh, get lost you?"

No! Caleb, you're k*lling me!

[Lou] Hey, I'm stuck.

-Lou, is that you in there?
-[gasps]

[coyly] Why, yes.

I just wanted
to deliver a message.

Did you get it?

Oh, I got it.

[Lou] Well, I don't like
how you said that.

Okay, Caleb and I
are officially on the outs,

but I fixed the sign.

[Winnie reading]

Jake, that's not better!

I don't know what we're doing.

Somebody help me
get out of here!

-[Lou yells]
-[groans]

Okay, Lou,
message received.

I'm going.

You'll never have to hear
from this cowboy again.

No! Come back!

Is he leaving in a huff?

I feel like
he's leaving in a huff.

Jake.

What the heck are "gluetoots"?

If you had 'em,
ooh, you'd know.

"Meet Jake and Winnie
on the Great Lawn
for a surprise.

"Bring jellybeans."

Well, well, well,

if it isn't
liver-bruisin' Lou.

She gives you butterflies
in your stomach,

then smashes 'em to bits
with a mean uppercut.

Technically,
it was a right cross.

No one walks away
from my uppercut.

So I'm guessing
you got a note, too.

Yeah. It said come to camp
and meet Steve Guttenberg.

He better be here.

I shaved my left arm
so he could sign it.

Okay. I think I know
what's going on here.

Nope, I was wrong.

What are you two doing?
Let us out of here.

Sorry, but this
was the only way

to give you
one more shot at your date.

We would have accepted
cash for a movie.

Why go to the movies
when the romance's right here?

[switch beeps]

[♪ slow jazz music playing]

As much as I love this vibe,
I'd rather not have

my second abduction ruin
smooth jazz for me.

Guys, cut the music!

[music stops]

Give us the lawn, please.

[Lou sighs]

I'm really sorry, Ryder.

They're only doing this
because they support me.

In their own weird,
potentially criminal way.

And they know that
I really like you.

I can't promise
something like this
won't happen again.

I wouldn't blame you
if that's a deal-breaker.

Well, there's a reason
I keep coming back here,

even though I'm not
entirely sure I'll survive.

It's because I like you, too.

-You do?
-Yeah.

You're definitely worth it.

-Hey, how's the date going?
-Jake, get out of here!

Third wheel. Message received.

Okay. New tactic.

You guys
have given me no choice

but to call Lou.

My phone!

I just figured out how to make
the font bigger on my texts!

Okay, I am old.

Oh! Oh, my gosh,
why is it so cold?

It's snow.

I'm from Florida!

[interpreting] There's more
where that came from
if you don't get outta here!

That's it!

You're about
to feel the wrath

of Little Miss
Get-Off-My-Lawn.

I can't believe
that that old fogey thinks

she can throw snow...

Whoa! Granny's got a cannon.

Snowball fight!

I did it! I hit a child!

It was a mean ageist one!

I'm numb form neck down

but the fire of vengeance
is thawing me out!

We've got 'em on the ropes!
Let's end this!

Never mind.
We're surrounded.

Maybe if we surrender,

they'll let us keep
our tastefully chic outerwear?

[speaking] Aw, don't quit.

This is so much fun.

It is, isn't it?

You know, I'm turning
this place into a camp.

We'll be skating and sledding
and snowball fighting
all winter here at Ski-kiwaka.

You guys should sign up.

[interpreting]
But we like to come up here
in the summer

and play in the snow
all day long.

During the winter,

we have a whole hour of school
that gets in the way.

Only an hour?

The Dusty Tush
public school system
leaves a lot to be desired.

Our math teacher
is a scarecrow
with the calculator.

Well, what if I open
the camp year-round?

Then you and your friends
could attend
during the summer.

[interpreting] Really?
That would be awesome.

I knew there was a reason
I liked old people.

While forgetful
and weak in the bones,

they always end up doing
the right thing.

See you next summer.

See you next summer.

Looks like someone's
got a year-round job
at Camp Ski-kiwaka!

There's just one problem.

Lou still thinks
you're working
at the ranch next summer.

Destiny, Lou and I are adults.

We'll just
have an honest, mature,

difficult conversation
about it.

You want me to stand ten feet
in front of you, don't you?

Yeah and bring
those snowballs

and that granny cannon
of yours.

Noah, I care too much
about you to let you
keep wallowing in misery.

Which is why
I'm willing to do this.

[clears throat]

-Hey, it's me. Sock bi...
-Stop!

Oh, thank goodness!

Your mouth movement
is all wrong
and your glue work is sloppy.

Plus, I've moved past sadness.

Wow. I'm proud
of you for being
so emotionally mature.

And graduated to rage!

Juilliard didn't even
have the decency
to send me a rejection letter.

It's like I don't even
exist to them.

Who do they think they are?
My agent?

You're... you're calling them?
Maybe you should sleep on it.

Let's not burn any bridges.

Oh, I'm gonna burn
all the bridges

and set fire
to the rivers they span!

Hello, Tish?

I'm just calling
to tell you a little something
about your precious Juilliard.

You think
your school is so great?

Well, let me tell you,
it's a sack of wet butts.

Hey, Noah, this letter
came for you from Juilliard.

Really?

Uh...

You probably
could've just hung up.

Winnie, when did this come in?

Oh, just now.

The mail is late
because I accidentally

trapped the mailman
in one of my cages.

It happens.

You got this.

I don't believe it.

I got in!
I got into Juilliard!

Yay!

[clears throat]

I mean, good job.

My parents
are gonna be so proud.

I can't wait
to call them and...

Oh.

Hey, it still works!

-[rings]
-Agh! It's Tish!

Dude, just press ignore.

Yeah, so that's why I got
into small business investing.

I wanted
to give back to the town
that gave so much to me.

That's exactly what
I wanna do with my camp.

Invest in Dusty Tush.

Looks like
we have a lot in common.

Our philanthropy,
love of pirate fiction,

staging grand gestures in lieu
of communicating directly.

It's true.

Lou, I've had
an amazing time with you.

The only thing that could have
made this night better

is if this cage
had a bathroom.

Or, you know, no cage at all.

Winnie, Jake.

How'd it go?

Thank you guys
for doing this.

This cage is the nicest place
I've ever been trapped
at this camp,

and I've been
trapped everywhere.

Seriously. One time
in my own sweatshirt.

I'll let
you lovebirds out now.

[clicks]

[clicking]

Uh-oh, the remote
stopped working.

Now I know
why this cage was on sale.

$2,000 was the sale price?

While you're already mad,

it might be a good time
to tell you
I nuked my underwear again.

[♪ theme music playing]