07x16 - Free ba*ls and Pickleball

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental country
music playing]

Lou!

Oh, hey, Barb.

Did someone say
your name three times?

Something awful is happening,
and it's even worse than

one of your motivational
moment sessions.

I'll address
that comment

in my next Words Can Be Used
as Weapons circle.

My brother Baxter
is coming to visit.

So? Family visiting
is a great thing.

Unless it's my Uncle Earl
who cuts his steak
with a fork in his elbow.

Baxter is a camp director,
like I was,

and a speed walker.

His tracksuit is made
of a special material
he invented,

which shaves seconds
off his race times.

You should see him
at a mall on Black Friday.

Still not seeing the problem.

The problem is he's better
than me at everything,

and I still haven't
told him that I got...

you know...
fired from Camp Champion.

Well, at least you're better
than him at getting fired.

Lou, be serious.

We're super competitive.

And now I have to tell him
that I'm a lo...

[clears throat]

A lose...

A loser?

Yes, a loser.

[sighs] It is so much
easier to say when
we're talking about you.

So, when do I get
to meet this bonus Barca?

Whoo!

-[stopwatch beeps]
-Yes! This tracksuit
is a speed demon.

There better be a mall
in this town
'cause I am on fire.

Hey, Barb!
So excited to see you.

Mmm. Well, I'm more excited
to see you, Baxter.

Oh, well, I'm the most excited
anyone has ever been

to see anyone ever.

Well, why am I taller
than you?

[Baxter scoffs]

Oh, sweet mama,
there's two of 'em.

Someone get me a stool.

[theme song playing]

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

[upbeat music playing]

Lou, meet Baxter,

or, as I nicknamed him,

Guy I'm Better Than
Everything At, Including...

Giving Nicknames! Ha!

So, Baxter, how was flying
into Dusty Tush?

Did you see
our greatest landmark?

The eternal tire fire.

You can see
and smell it from space.

Actually, I landed
a few towns over

just so I could
speed walk here.

Lightweight polymer speech
in three, two...

See, my tracksuit is made
of a lightweight polymer.

This fabric is actually
ill*gal in a couple of states,

but I know some politicians.

You met one guy, one time,

and he was only a Kennedy
through marriage.

Anyway, I'm in town
to share some great news.

I'm franchising my camp.

It's so amazing!

I'm so amazing!

Well, since we're
sharing things,

is there anything you...

wanna share
with your brother?

Uh, actually, there is!

So, Baxter,

it turns out, I...

uh...

am also franchising!
[laughs]

Welcome to my new camp!

It's gross, but it's mine.

Your camp?

Yeah, your camp?

Have I been inhaling
too many fumes

from the eternal tire fire?

[upbeat music playing]

Guys, I have
the greatest news.

The locals are throwing
their trash

in Lake Tush again!

That's horrible news.

But it means
the water level rose so much,

we can finally
use the high dive.

You haven't lived
until you do a can opener

and land on top
of a real can opener.

I've never jumped off
a high dive before,
but it sounds awesome.

It is.

Come on, Jake,
we can jump off
at the same time

and see who gets
the bigger wedgie
when they hit the water.

Noah, you want to judge?

[laughs] Less than anything
I can think of.

But, since letting
Winnie Weber

use a high dive
unsupervised is

probably criminal negligence,

I'll grab my trunks.

[amusing instrumental
music playing]

Ah!

Great idea
to swing by here.

We should really fuel up
before we hit the courts.

Actually, let's just
grab some water.

I can't eat in these.

Food stains are
very hard to remove

from French Terry cloth.

Well, I better get going.

My window to avoid
whatever's happening here
is closing rapidly.

-So, Bill...
-And it's closed.

You do things.
Got any advice
for staying cool

being super active outdoors?

I'm not gonna
take the bait.

We're on our way
to play pickleball.

Oh, what's pickleb...

Darn it!

Bill, how have you not heard
about pickleball?

It is the hottest sport
sweeping the nation.

All the coolest people
are playing it.

Case in point.

It's like tennis,

but instead of using
a tennis ball,

we use a plastic ball.

And instead of using
huge rackets,

we use these
cute little paddles.

Hot!

So it's like tiny tennis
for babies?

[scoffs] No.
It's tiny tennis
for adults.

Everyone knows badminton
is tiny tennis for babies.

And you're telling me
this is a real sport?

Yep. And our
team name is

[both] The Tush Pickles.

Guys, you gotta
help me out here.

You know what, Bill?

I'm starting to feel like
you're not taking

our new interest
very seriously.

Yes. Dare I say,
this attitude of yours

is feeling
downright unsupportive.

Dare you do
say, Destiny.

Dare you... do.

The people who work here
do nothing.

[amusing instrumental
music playing]

See, the key
is the moisture wick.

It absorbs the sweat,
which keeps you ahead
of the dreaded chafe.

I'm saving thousands
on cornstarch.

Well, that is...

evocative.

Barb, a word?

Why did you tell Baxter
this is your camp?

I panicked, okay?

Baxter's franchising his camp,
and I couldn't let him win.

Pretending I owned yours
was really the only solution.

Mmm, was it?

Please just go along
with this until he leaves.

He's only here for a day.

Okay, fine.

But you have to promise
to tell him before he goes.

Oh, that seems hard.

It's much easier
to keep pretending

I'm still a big winner
who owns this camp,

and you're my sad,
pathetic employee.

Oh, I forgot to mention
you're my sad,
pathetic employee.

You expect me
to be your lackey?

Lou, "lackey" is
so demeaning.

I prefer the term
"she-servant."

Hey, Barb, where
should I put my stuff?

All these kids have
a desperate look
in their eyes,

and I don't trust them
around my valuables.

Lou, prepare our finest cabin
for Mr. Barca!

Chop, chop!

I'm sorry.
I will make it up to you
with a spa day.

Collagen, cucumbers, go nuts.

My she-servant will put
your bag somewhere
for you. [chuckles]

Oh, I will be going nuts
with the collagen.

[amusing instrumental
music playing]

Wow, that was
a lot of climbing.

This dive is gonna be
a long way...

Noah,

I'm having big feelings.

Everything okay, buddy?

You look like that time
Bill told you about tapeworms.

Why didn't you tell me
the high dive was so...

[eagle screeching]

High?

I guess I felt it was implied?

I am not jumping off
this thing.

You have nothing
to worry about.

Remember,
I'm a registered lifeguard.

And, besides, it'll be fun!

Fun?

Foosball is fun.

Staying up all night
and gabbing is fun.

Licking envelopes is fun.

This is not fun!

Well, if you're
really that scared,

we can just climb back down
and do something else.

I have some fan mail
I need to catch up on.

Fine, it's my phone bill.

You want me to climb down

that tall, rickety
ladder backwards?

I have trouble
doing things forwards!

Hurry it up, guys.

There's some old toilet
seats floating by

that I wanna
dive through.

Just give us a minute.

Jake, you have
to make a decision.

You can't
stay up here forever.

Watch me.

We might need
more than a minute.

[upbeat instrumental
music playing]

Hey, Bill.
What are you doing?

I thought about it,
and you were right.

I wasn't being supportive
of your new interest.

So I educated myself
with a few Internet videos

and thought a little
tournament tomorrow
would be fun.

"The Parker and Destiny
Pickleball Invitational,

"organized by their friend,

"but not a member
of the Tush Pickles,
Bill Pickett."

Pretty good, right?

Um, that's so
nice of you, Bill,

but, um, we actually
can't play tomorrow.

We're scheduled to be, um...

uh... very, very sick.

Yes, it's, uh, been on
the calendar for weeks.

[mimics cough]

Ah, there it is,
right on time!

What's going on?

Why are you guys acting
like you don't know
how to play pickleball?

Because we don't know
how to play pickleball!

Our scheduled sickness
was a lie!

But you wear
the fancy clothes

and have all
the cool equipment.

Oh, you're just doing it
for the fancy clothes
and the cool equipment.

That's not true.

We're also doing it
for the follows.

Pickleball culture is just
so fun and carefree,

we didn't want to
ruin that by actually
learning to play.

You two continue
to be wonderful role models.

Fine. I'll take down
the flyers.

I'm sure no one has signed up
for your tournament.

Hey, guys.

So many people
have signed up
for your tournament.

Toodles!

No! We have to learn
how to play pickleball
by tomorrow,

or we're gonna
look like huge idiots

in front of the whole camp.

And I didn't buy
this sick visor
to look like an idiot.

Bill, you've studied
the sport.

You can train us
and be our pickleball expert.

I watched three videos
while I was going
to the bathroom,

and, honestly, I was
focusing on other things.

[instrumental music playing]

Now that I've lost
two hours of my life,
let's recap.

-You won't jump off because...
-It's terrifying.

-And you won't
climb down because...
-It's terrifying.

This recap was unhelpful.

This is your fault
for not adequately
setting expectations.

It's called a high dive.

What were your expectations?

Guys, I need to do
an epic cannonball.

I haven't done
anything dangerous
in 12 minutes

and my skin is itching!

You'll have to wait.

Jake still hasn't
made up his mind.

[kids booing]

Fine, but there are
a ton of restless kids

waiting to dive down there.

How much longer
are you two going to be?

-Not long.
-Until I'm ready
to get married.

You might need to bring us
some sleeping bags
and a heat source.

[amusing instrumental
music playing]

So this is your mess hall?

It's so... brown!

Well, it's a little pathetic,
but for good reason.

You see, this place
isn't actually...

Up to health code?
Duh-doy.

Your menu says
ignore the tiny bones.

Listen up, campers.

For those of you
who haven't eaten
the lunch yet,

[screams] do not
eat the lunch!

And for those of you who have,

buckle up and say a prayer.

Um, Barb,

why is your employee
making announcements?

I would never let
an underling do that
at my camp.

[gasps] The audacity
of that woman,

who is definitely
not my peer.

How dare you,
announcement stealer!

I'm guessing this means
you haven't told him
the truth yet?

Nope. Sorry.
You're an angel.

Now get, minion!

Greetings, my very
real campers.

We have so many
incredible activities
lined up today.

Starting with...

friendship bracelets!

Friendship bracelets?

What's next? A watching
paint dry workshop?

No.

That's not until Thursday.

But later we'll be doing
some water skiing.

Actually that says
"water skeezy."

Our lake is gnarly.

Regular water skiing?

How pedestrian.

When we ski at my camp,

we do it through
a ring of fire.

Well, we're doing
the same thing,
but blindfolded.

Oh, and the skis
are going to be sharks,

which will
also be on fire.

It doesn't say that.
Let me see the clipboard!

-No, no. My camp,
my clipboard!
-Barb...

If one of you just ran
for one second,

this could all be over.

[upbeat instrumental
music playing]

So this is what a
pickleball court looks like.
I had no idea.

You literally have
a picture of one
on your shirt.

Ohh! That's what that is.

Okay, let's practice
for the invitational
tomorrow.

Bill, you're still
gonna coach us, right?

Fine. But if we're doing this,

then we're doing it
the Pickett way.

Casually and
with a blase attitude?

Meticulously and with
an intense work ethic

that makes people ask
"Is everything okay at home?"

It says here,
when you serve the ball,

you can't let it
bounce in the kitchen.

Of course it can't
bounce in the kitchen.

We're outside.

This guy...

The kitchen is
the non-volley area

in front of either side
of the net

And let me guess,
over there is the foyer

and over there
is the powder room.
[laughs]

I'm sorry.
We're really lucky
to have you, coach.

Let's just do some drills.

[sighs] Destiny, those
sneakers are ridiculous!

Do you want to look good,
or do you want to play well?

Uh, I want to look good.

My fault for asking.

Okay, Parker,

remember to keep it
flat face and get ready
for the dill ball

'cause I'm gonna
come with the put away.

Don't be in no man's land,
but don't be too close

or you might get
a nasty Nelson.

And, of course,
no volley lob
on the side.

Pickle!

Bill, is everything
okay at home?

[instrumental music playing]

Nights like this
make you ask yourself
the hard questions.

Like... why did I drink
that gallon of OJ?

There's no hope for me.

Just leave
and save yourself.

I never leave
a man behind.

We live by the board,
we die by the board.

If we ever
get down...

what are you
gonna do first?

Probably check my texts.

You?

I would clutch my
puka shells so tight

and never let them
go again.

You're wearing them
right now.

Oh!

Nice. Then I'd probably
eat a burger.

You know,
facing tough decisions
is a part of growing up.

No matter how hard,
we still have to
make them

because not making
a decision

is making a decision.

You're right, Noah.

And thank you
for being so supportive.

You're gonna make
a great dad one day.

Oh, Jake,

if there's one thing
I've learned
from this lesson,

it's that I'm definitely
not having kids.

[instrumental music playing]

Morning, Barcas!

I thought you guys
might enjoy

a nice relaxing activity
that could lead

to an open-ended
conversation with
emotional growth.

Just spitballing,
of course.

Pottery making?

[sighs] I hope you have
a doctor on standby
for when I get dizzy

from all the excitement.

Ha-ha.
For your information,

medical professionals
have boycotted
this ranch on principle.

[pottery wheels whirring]

So, uh, brother of mine,
what are you gonna sculpt?

I know. I can make a pot

for all your
participation ribbons.

You know I shred those.

♪ Rise above it! ♪

Baxter,
I need to talk to you
about something.

I need to talk to you
about something too.

You're very bad at pottery.
[laughs]

Barca burn!

But I bet I can
sculpt faster than you

and Mom likes me more.
Better Barca burn.

It's just because
you're both Scorpios.

And I can definitely
sculpt faster than you.

Uh, guys,

pottery isn't supposed
to be a speed event.

If the wheel turn
shoots back, the clay...

That!

-[laughing]
-[clicks off pottery wheel]

[sighs] Thanks for
the laugh, guys.

I'm gonna go pack up
and get ready for my flight.

I have a lot of lightweight
undergarments to fold.

Why didn't you
tell Baxter the truth?

I tried.

But everything
always ends up

turning into
a competition with us.

There just wasn't
a good time.

Barb, you might
have to accept

there may never
be a good time.

You know what?

You're right.

So I won't tell him!

How's that now?

Baxter is leaving
for the airport,

so now I never have
to be honest with him.

-Great thinking, Lou.
-[taps arm]

I knew there was
a reason I hired you.

I'm not gonna lie,
a little workplace
validation feels good.

[upbeat instrumental
music playing]

Oh, wow, a lot of
people showed up,

Which is weird,
'cause I heard there was
gonna be shark skiing today.

You guys have
trained hard.

Don't worry, you're ready.

Are you sure?

I'd stake my entire three-hour
coaching career on it.

Bill is right.
Let's show everyone
that we don't

just look like
amazing pickleballers,

-we are amazing
pickleballers!
-Yeah!

Parker, aren't you
right-handed?

Ha! Wow, that feels
a whole lot better. [chuckles]

Why are we here, Lou?

If we're late to the airport,
Baxter will miss his flight.

It's all good.

I'm Economy Plus.
They'll wait.

I just thought you guys
might want to compete
in the pickleball tournament.

Uh, I'm gonna
have to pass. I think...

That bad boy
would look great
on my mantel.

If you want that
trophy, Baxter,

you'll have to
go through me

Ha! Just like speed walking
in my moisture-wicking
underwear,

this is gonna be a breeze.

As fun as this
undergarment-forward
trash talk is,

this is a doubles tournament,

and I put you both
on the same team.

[both] The same team?

Yes. You guys can stop
competing against each other
and work together.

Oh, we never
worked together.

Ah, this is gonna be
more uncomfortable than...

Oh, please don't let this be
another underwear analogy.

Then I'll admit,
I'm not sure
how to make my point.

[upbeat music playing]

What a fun night!

I think the highlight
was being attacked
by that owl.

Hey, guys,

I know that Jake is having
a hard time deciding
how to get down,

so I've come to make
the decision for him.

The Winnie way!

-No, Winnie!
-Make any other decision.

This is for
your own good.

He needs to make
this choice on his own.
You can't rush him.

Rush him?
I've delivered six meals
to this diving board!

If he doesn't learn
anything from this,

I punched a owl
for nothing.

Stop!

I've made my decision.

I'll jump.

Really?

What finally made you
change your mind?

Jumping can't be
worse than watching

two of my closest friends
fight because of me.

[sighs]

If I don't make it back,

it was an honor
being in the trenches
with you.

Fair enough.
I have gone above
and beyond for you.

-One, two...
-[creaking]

That can't be good.

[both scream]

[water splashes]

[Jake] That was so fun!
I'm over my fear!

I'm gonna make a
great mom one day.

[upbeat instrumental
music playing]

Welcome, everyone,
to the Parker and Destiny
Pickleball Invitational!

Starting the tournament
will be the Tush Pickles.

And they'll be playing
Barb and Baxter,

whose team name is...
hopefully better than that.

You can just call us
the Winners.

Hey, we haven't been
on the same team
since middle school

when we made
the Simpson twins cry.

[both sigh] Good times.

I may have made
a terrible mistake.

Okay, let's get this
very strange show on the road!

[instrumental country
music playing]

-[squeals]
-[both] Mine!

[both grunt]
I said it was mine!

I said it louder!

I did it! I scored a pickle!

-Move, slacker!
-Oh!

[grunts]

My heel!
Why am I even
playing this game?

Oh, right. To win.

-[grunts]
-[both] I got it!

[both grunt]

Get it together!

The non-athletes
in weird clothes
are beating us.

Um, this net isn't soundproof.

Okay. Parker is now serving
for the match.

If they score, they win.

We're only going to win
if you get out of my way.

Your way? I'm the only one
who's even focused
on the game.

Wait, what just happened?

Parker, did we just win?

Maybe? I was taking selfies
while Bill was explaining
the rules.

The Tush Pickles win!

[all cheering]

You just made me lose!
I never lose.

You're right, Baxter.
You're a winner.

You always win.

It's your sister
who's the loser.

What was that all about?

Barb's been trying
to tell you something all day,

but you've been too busy
competing with her to notice.

But going at each other
through cutthroat competition
is our love language.

Right.

Maybe try language-language.

Weird, but I'll give it
a shot.

Call the airport, she-servant.

Tell the pilot I won't be able
to make Boarding Group F.

Congrats on your big win,
you two.

You're real pickleballers now.

At what cost, Bill?

I'm done playing pickleball.

I haven't been this disheveled
since I won Little Miss
Tornado Chaser.

Saved that town, though.

Me, too. My shirt's covered
in body water.

-Sweat.
-Whatever! It's gross.

Hey, have you seen
those cute shorts
that volleyball players wear?

Um, yeah.
Love that for us. [chuckles]

Question, how does one
volley a ball?

Follow-up question, who cares?

Let's go shopping.

Yeah.

Well, time to go watch
some volleyball videos.

[instrumental country
music playing]

Barb, you okay?

You ran here. Barcas
don't believe in running.

Two feet off the ground
is basically flying,

and flying
is basically witchcraft.

I'm not okay.

I need to tell you something.

Kikiwaka isn't my camp.

Really?

Whew! I am
so happy this garbage barge
of a camp isn't yours.

This place looks like tetanus
and shame had a baby.

But why would you pretend
this disaster belonged to you?

Because the truth is worse.

I actually got fired
from Camp Champion.

[sighs] Don't look at me.
I'm hideous.

Barb.

I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you
tell me earlier?

Well, we're always
so competitive
with each other.

I was afraid you'd think
I was...

a loser.

I could never think that.

I know I'm too competitive
with you, and I shouldn't be.

The truth is,
I look up to you.

You do?

Of course I do.

You'll always be a champion
to me.

Aw! Thanks, Baxter.

I know Barcas
don't usually hug,

but you think
we can make an exception?

Okay, fine. But now
you're not getting one
on your wedding day.

Hey, Lou.

Why are you crying?

Because I helped a friend
get over their fears

and find their way
to a heartfelt
resolution. [sniffles]

Why do you have a saw?

[chuckles]
Weirdly enough, same reason.

I'm just not a crybaby
about it.

And there goes
the workplace validation.

[theme music playing]