07x11 - The Glitching Hour

[bunniefuu]

Evenin', campers!
Good news and bad news.

The good news is,
we did get mail.

The bad news is,
I think somethin'
happened to the mailman.

[DISTANT HOWL]

Anyway, let's see
what we got!

Water bill, gas bill,
eviction notice,

subpoena,
Parker Preston,

an audit.Hey, that one was for me.

The audit?No, this letter.

And maybe the audit.

I'm still fuzzy
on what taxes are.

Anything for me in there?

I ordered an
anniversary present
for Megan.

I still can't believe
she stayed with you
for a whole year.

That's exactly
what my grandma said.

Whatever happened
to "congrats"?

Anyway, this gift
has to be perfect

since Megan and I
don't see each other
during the school year.

We can video-call,

but I only get
reception in my attic, and...

that's where
the broken mannequins live.

Expecting mail, Jake?

No, but I lost
my gum yesterday.

I'll put up flyers.

Destiny,
this is a letter
from investors

who wanna franchise
the Dusty Diner.

No way! They wanna
put our restaurant in
every city in the country?

Well, just every town
with a butt-themed name.

It's a weird business model,

but check out
these sale projections

for the Backside Butte
location.

This is amazing!

Parker, you have to
call those investors.

[GASPS]
We're gonna have money
coming out of our buttes!

[GASPS] We should
put that in the pitch.

Ooh, this one's for me.

It's from my friend back home
who just made a ton of money.

She invented a way
to turn eye boogers into fuel.

Being gross
can make you rich?

Why am I even
going to school?

Aw, man,
found my gum.

It was in my mouth
the whole time.

Ah, butt names,
eye boogers,
and a clueless Jake.

Just another regular day
at Kikiwaka Ranch.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

All right, I spoke
with the investors

and they wanna
meet with you tonight

to make sure you
have the competence I don't.

It was a pre-condition
for letting me stay involved.

I can't believe
this is really happening.

"Destiny Baker,

"CEO of a giant-yet-cozy
restaurant conglomerate."

Just like a tiny Destiny
put on her vision board.

[CHUCKLES]
I'm so proud of you.

You've come a long way
from bein' a circus clown.

Uh, maybe don't mention
that around the investors.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, don't worry,

I'm not allowed
to talk with them.

It was another pre-condition.

[CREEPY VOICE
LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Did you hear
someone laughing?

Yeah, all the time.

People seem
to enjoy this camp,

despite my
continued involvement.

Take that, investors.

[CREEPY VOICE
LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Okay. I'm not seeing this.

I am not seeing this.

But just in case...

[WHIMPERS AND SCREAMS]

I can't wait to give
Megan her gift.

It's a miniature replica
of her cat,

sitting next to my cat,

all made of
another cat's hair.

Maybe I'm better off single.

[PANTING] Noah!

Something terrible has
happened.

Aw, is that for me?

You shouldn't have.

I mean, you should've,
it's our anniversary.

But aw... [CHUCKLES]

Can we go back
to that terrible thing
that happened for a second?

Oh, yeah.
There was a break-in

at Videos, Videos, Videos.

When I got to work,
all the VHS tapes were gone!

Except for one, with a note.

"Noah, watch the tape."

What do you think it means?

I think it means
you should watch the tape.

Jakey's on it.

VHS. Play video.

Video.

I think you
need to charge it.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Jumpin' jackrabbits!

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say something bad
was about to happen.

But, oh, well, gut feelings
are meant to be ignored.

Wait a minute.

Is that a camera?

Huh. This isn't one of
the fake surveillance
cameras I put up

to give the camp
a false sense of security.

I know exactly what this is.

Code red! Code red!

Bill, Winnie, I just found
a hidden camera outside.

The health inspector
is spying on us.

Hide the dishes
and wash the rats.

No, other way around.

Are you sure it's not just
one of the fake cameras

you put up to give us
a false sense of security?

Yes, I'm sure.

I mean,
I don't do that.

Just come with me.

Lou Hockhauser will not be
outsmarted by a civil servant.

Where'd the camera go?

Well, we could always check
the footage in that shoebox.

Okay, fine.
My cameras are fake.

But the one
I found was real!

Is this like how
you say the camp
green beans are real,

but they're actually
just spray-painted pencils?

Oh, you don't even eat 'em!

BOTH: Because they're pencils.

That sounds like
health-inspector talk to me!

You got this, Baker.

Let's put a Dusty Diner
in every butt-themed town

from here
to Badonkadonk, Kansas!

CREEPY VOICE:
You're not fooling
anyone in that suit.

This outfit
makes me confident

and that's all that matters,
creepy disembodied voice.

Wait, what?

[CREEPY VOICE
LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Why does our well
keep laughing at me?

[GASPS] Who are you?

We both know
the real question
on your mind is,

"Will those investors
take you seriously?"

No, I'm pretty sure
"Who's the scary clown
in the wishing well?"

is still at the top
of my list.

Why don't you come down here,

where we can play
and laugh all day?

I even have ice cream.

It's plant-based,
but you can barely tell.

Tempting, but [CHUCKLES]
I should probably get going.

Wait![SCREAMS]

Don't leave.
We haven't
had any fun yet.

[SCREAMS]

Parker, run!
Someone's in the well.

Not again.

Jake, buddy,

there aren't any
wishes down there.

I don't see anyone.

Wait, I swear there was
a judgmental clown down there
with a super-long arm,

and it tried
to pull me in

by appealing
to my vegan lifestyle.

Destiny, [CHUCKLES]
you haven't been eatin'
the green beans, have you?

This is not
a pencil-induced
fever dream.

I know what I saw.

Okay, well, maybe
keep that to yourself.

The investors
are only here
for one night

and they need to think
that one of us

is capable of running
this restaurant empire.

And unfortunately,
I blew my chance

when I ended our call
by saying "totes mcgotes."

It's lucky for us
that Lou
still has a VCR.

You kiddin'?
That woman
keeps everything.

She has a plastic baggie
of her baby teeth.

And her adult teeth.

I don't know what
she's rockin' in there.

Noah, why are
you on this tape?

If you booked a gig,
you would've
brought it up.

Like, a lot.

I don't remember
recordin' it.

Noah, if you're
watchin' this, it means...

you're dead!

What?

[LAUGHS]
I'm just kiddin', man.

[LAUGHING]
Tape Noah's
really funny.

Now that
I have your attention,
Megan is in danger.

Oh, that's
much less funny.

Protect Megan at all costs,
or you'll lose her forever.

And if you wanna
stand a chance,

heed this warning.

Don't trust Jake.

No. No! No![SCREAMS]

[GASPS] Wait, what happened?
What's he talking about?

That is just like me,
always leaving
my audience wanting more.

What happened
to Tape Noah?
I hope he's okay.

Also, I would love to get
that footage for my reel.

Right now,
all we know for certain
is that we can't trust Jake.

Why wouldn't you
trust me?[SCREAMS]

Uh, no reason.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Phew! For a second there
I was afraid you found out

I use your toothbrush
to clean my toothbrush.

What?

It's okay, because
then I use my toothbrush

to clean your toothbrush.
Science, brah.

So, uh, Jake,
out of curiosity,

how trustworthy
are you feelin' today?

For instance,
if I turned
my back towards you,

how would that end?

What do you mean?

Did I do something wrong?

Why are my
cherished friends
treating me like this?

[SIGHS] Okay,
don't feel bad,
but we watched that tape

and it was a recording
of Noah telling us
not to trust you.

But I'm sure it was just
all a misunderstanding,
right, buddy?

Actually, it makes
perfect sense. [BLOWS]

I knew giving you
tranquilizer darts
for your birthday

would come back
to bite... me.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]
But... why?

Great question.

You see, my humble,
villainous origin story
begins in the city of...

Aw, man, I've really
got to whittle down
my evil elevator pitch.

I'm telling you,
I saw a camera earlier.

I think
the health inspector
is spyin' on us.

I don't know
why he'd need to spy.

The menu board says
"roadkill ravioli."

Why are the pages
in this book blank?

Because, um...

Line!

Who are you talking to?

[GRUNTS]

Was that a microphone?

Starting to think
I've been eating
too many green bean pencils.

[GRUNTS]

Leave me alone!

Debbie, not now.
Here she comes.

Bill, who was that?

Uh, no one.

I know something's
going on, Bill.

I found a camera,
a blank book, and...

Are you wearing
fake eyelashes?

These are my eyelashes.
Debbie just gives them volume!

[BOTH GASP]

You better tell me
what's going on,
Bill Pickett,

or so help me,
I will confiscate
your chaps.

Lou, you have to
stop asking questions.

Let it all go.

Because if you don't,
you're not gonna
like what you find.

What does that mean?

Yee-haw, would you
look at the time?

Gotta get back
to my cow-poking
ranch chores. Ay-dios!

You get back here!
I need more info.

Like how does Debbie
give you that dewy glow?

All right, time for you
to blow the money-filled socks
off these investors, Destiny.

I am powerful.
I am strong.

I will not have to
move back home after college.

Showtime.

Hello, I am
Destiny Baker,

and I have a recipe
for success

that will bring high-end
vegetarian cuisine
to millions of Americans,

from Twin Cheeks, Michigan
to Snooty Patootie, Arkansas.

Now, I reviewed
your proposal, and...

[CLOWN LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Uh, I'm excited
to work with...

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]uh, with...

I'm sorry, could someone
please turn that music down?

What music?

The circus music
with the unnecessary tuba.

You don't hear it?

Talk amongst yourselves,
but ideally not about this.

What's going on with you?

What is going on
with you?

First, you don't see
the clown in the well.

Then, you don't
hear the music.

CLOWN: This is boring.

Anyone thirsty?
Maybe this guy.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

No!

[GRUNTS]

Destiny! When I said
"be aggressive,"

I meant with your
business savvy.

There is a clown
in that briefcase.

It was about
to spray him
with seltzer.

Get out here, clown.
Show yourself!

I will not be
made a fool of.

From now on.

CLOWN: Uh-oh, Destiny.

Looks like you blew it.

No. Leave me alone!

So, do we
get the money now?
[CHUCKLES]

Our preferred
method of payment

would be
a large novelty check.

"Happy birthday, Jake."

I should've
just bought him
a gift card.

Megan? Megan,
are you in here?

Well, well, well.

Look who's finally awake.

I've been sitting
on the toilet for hours.

My legs are as asleep
as you were.

What did you do, Jake?

Jake isn't here anymore.

I'm Evil Jake.

Can't you tell from
my super-cool eyepatch?

I've been bumpin' into things,
but it brings the right vibe.

You're evil?

Oh, I'm bad, baby.

Which is why
I used your toilet
without flushing.

The laws of polite society
mean nothing to me.

What did you do with Megan?

I'll never tell.

Let's just say,
wherever she is,

she has all the time
in the world.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

The Dusty Tush Clock Tower?

Aw, man.
I can't believe
you guessed it.

I hit "time"
too hard, didn't I?

Just give me a head start
to set up my evil lair.

It's not company-ready.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[SIGHS]

Wait, uh, why am I
listenin' to him?

Megan, I'm comin'
to save you. Oh...

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Megan, I'm comin'
to save you!

[SIGHS]

Pull it together, Baker.
You're seeing things.

None of this is real.

[COUGHS AND GAGS]

I do not remember eating that.

CLOWN:
Finally, you're doing
something you're good at.

What do you want from me?

I just want you
to stop pretending, Destiny.

Accept yourself for
the seltzer-spraying,

rainbow wig-wearing,
red-nosed joke you truly are.

Also, ever heard
of mildew remover?

[SCREAMS]

Megan!

Megan, where are you?

Right here. Seriously?
It's a very small room.

Not so fast!

Jake? Where'd
you come from?

The shadows.

That corner.

Why is this
necessary?

I'm helping you.

Deep down, you know
you'll eventually lose Megan.

This relationship
is a ticking clock.

It's about to strike midnight
on your happiness.

Time is not on your side.

I get the metaphor, man!

What's he talking about?

Tell her, Noah.

Tell Megan how
you're afraid of losing her.

But do it fast,
there's a tour coming up

from the gift shop downstairs
in three minutes.

Is that true?

Well, you know,
the tours probably
do start every half hour...

You know what I mean.

Okay, uh,

maybe I'm just a tiny bit
afraid of losing you.

Fine, I wrote
a one-man show
called Megan, Don't Go.

But you do go,
in the first act.

The other four acts,
I just cry.

It lacked a satisfying
emotional resolution.

But why are you
afraid of that?

[SIGHS] It's just...

It was really hard
being apart from you
during the school year.

I'm afraid that
one of these summers

I'll find out
that you've moved on.

Noah, I had no idea.

Well, no need
to worry anymore.

We're gonna skip to the part
where Megan leaves you,

so you can get on
with your life.

What do you
mean by that?

I mean, she's on top
of a trap door,

and when
I pull this lever...

she'll drop ten stories
into the snow globe display
in the gift shop.

Noah, don't let this
go down in a gift shop.

[SOBBING] You know
how I hate tchotchkes.

Time's up.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Wait! Can I tell
Noah something?

Fine, but only because
I have to warm up
my lever-pulling arm.

Last time I did this,
I strained an evil bicep.

First, keep
that one-man show
on the shelf.

I'm assuming
there's a puppet Megan,
and I'm not down with that.

That's fair.
And there was.

And second, I just wish
you would've talked to me
about your fears.

I could've told you
how happy you make me,

and that I'm not
going anywhere.

Aw, that's really sweet.

Time to eat tchotchkes.

Uh, stop. I have to
show you somethin'.

I feel like
I'm missing
some context.

[PANTING] Nope,
I'm just stalling

till the clock
strikes the hour.

[BELL TOLLS]

[SCREAMS]

[BELL CONTINUES TOLLING]

[JAKE SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]
Let's get outta here.

You can't escape!

Aw, come on!

[GASPS] A-ha!
I found another...

Wi-Fi router?

Guess I'll have to take
"working Internet"
off the camp website.

Once I can access
the camp website.

[LAUGHTER]

Where's that laughter
coming from?

And why wasn't it here
during my stand-up set
last Tuesday?

[LAUGHTER]

Lou, I warned you
to stop asking questions.

No. I wanna know
what's going on
and I want it to stop.

Fine.

The cameras,
the props, the laughter

are all because
this is a TV show

about you running
a comedically dysfunctional
summer camp.

I'm on a TV show?

You were on a TV show.

Now that you
know about it,
it's been canceled.

Well, good. I don't want
my life broadcast
for the world to see anyway.

Wait, did they get me
spray-painting
the green bean pencils?

You saw nothing!

Whoa! Hands off the property,
people in hoodies.
Just take the cameras.

You don't get it.
The show's over.

They're gonna
take the whole set.

This isn't a set,
this is a ranch.

[GASPS] The wishing well
wasn't real?

How did Jake keep
getting stuck in it?

None of this was real.

You don't have a ranch.

You were never a camp owner.

But this place
means everything to me.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!

Okay, seriously,
who is that?

No! Bill, Winnie,

help me make it stop!

This can't be true!

My name's not Winnie.
It's Shiloh.

And I'm Alfred.
We're actors.

Make sure
to keep us in mind
during award season.

Come on.
Let's go, Alfred.
Bye, Miranda.

Who's Miranda?

Oh, come back.
I didn't want this.
I love Kikiwaka.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Oh, you stay out of it!

What do you want, clown?
Why are you following me?

CLOWN: You really
wanna know who I am?

You know what? I'm good.

Does anyone
really know anyone?

Hi, friend.

It can't be. You're me.
You're clown me.

You can never escape
your past, Destiny.

No matter what you achieve,
you'll always be a clown.

You know it's the truth.
Just look at yourself.

[SCREAMS]

Parker, help!

No need to yell.
Just turn around.

Met your
clown friend.
Not a fan.

Also, you know,
like, at the beach,

how sand gets everywhere?
Same for cotton candy.

Come with me, Destiny.

Let's ride off
into the sunset
in a very small car.

Don't listen to her.

You may have been
a clown once,

but you've grown into someone

capable of juggling
so much more than just pies.

You're right.

I conquered
the pageant world.

I became
an amazing counselor.

And I started
a thriving restaurant.

You're a clown
and you always will be!

I'm not a clown!

All right, sounds like
you're working through
some personal issues.

And, hey, Parker.
That stuff gets
everywhere, doesn't it?

What happened
to Clown Destiny?

No clue.
But we're running
from an evil Jake.

Noah, Megan,
Destiny, Parker,

whatever your real names are,
please don't leave me.

I'll do anything to keep
this camp show going.

More stunt casting,
multiple episode arcs,

we could even
do a season in Hawaii.

Lou, why is
everything glitching?

[CLANGING]

What was that?

Guys, help!

Don't trust him.
He sat on the toilet

for two hours
and didn't flush.

I've been trapped
in the pantry
this whole time.

You were probably
dealing with an NPC
that looked like me.

Wait, "NPC" like
a non-player character
in a video game?

Not just a game.

We're currently
in a cutting-edge
VR simulation

that forces people
to face their greatest fears.

It is not popular.

Wait, so when
Winnie and Bill told me

that my life
as a camp owner

wasn't real, that
wasn't really... real?

I guess this explains
the other Noah on the tape.

Right! In addition
to losing you,

my greatest fear
is becoming
a straight-to-video actor.

And I'm afraid
of pantries.

Jake, how do
we get out
of the game?

EVIL JAKE: You don't.

[ALL SCREAM]

You can't leave yet.
There's so much
more to be afraid of.

[ALL SCREAM]

Everyone, power off!

[ALL EXHALE]

What a horrible game.

But you have to admit,
the real-time rendering
was pretty smooth.

Yeah, the evil you
that girlfriend-napped Megan
was so life-like.

Oh, and I will be
billing you for therapy
related to this incident.

Okay, was I dealing
with Winnie and Bill NPCs

or were you two
messing with me
by pretendin' to be actors?

What are you talking about?
We were busy facing
our own greatest fear.

We had to watch Noah
do a one-man show

about losing Megan
where he cried
for most of it.

It completely lacked
an emotional resolution.

Oh, no! Parker
didn't come out
of the simulation!

Oh, no, it's cool. I'm fine.
I'm just eatin' my way

out of this
cotton candy cocoon

with Tape Noah
and the g*ng.
[CHUCKLES]

Hey, do any of you have a game

where I get trapped
inside a funnel cake?

Guys?

Man, it really does
disappear in your mouth.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]