07x06 - What About Barb?

[bunniefuu]

There it is.
The pioneer homestead
I was telling you guys about.

You know, it never ceases
to amaze me how the things

in Dusty Tush
can be so, dusty.

Hey,
it could be worse.

Things could be tushy.

Hey, I'm not
all Frasier
and French farces,

I can go
lowbrow, too.

Ooh, a big wheel.

I'm definitely
gonna climb on that.

[CHUCKLES] One, no.
Two, also, no.

Does anyone
live here?

No, Jake. I told you,
this place has
been abandoned

since the 1800.

Barb Barca?

BOTH: What are you doing here?

I could ask you
the same question.

But I just asked
you that question.
I can't believe this.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Barb's back.

I should have known.

Your rivals
always return.

Your rival
is a pioneer woman
in Wyoming?

I'd say that's weird,

but mine's a jacked librarian
in Oregon, so.

She's not a pioneer woman.

She's the super-competitive

director of Camp Champion
back in Maine

who tried to shut down
my camp at every turn.

This is what we trained for.
Stay frosty.

I brewed you sweet tea.

Uh, sorry it took
a while,

but I had to add

the "made with love" tags

to the teabags.
[CHUCKLES]

You know, making things
with your hands

may take
a lot longer,

but on the plus side,
it's a real inconvenience.

[CHUCKLES] Sugar?

Barb, what a surprise
to see you.

What brings you
so suspiciously

and alarmingly close
to my new camp?

[CHUCKLES]
A lucky coincidence.

This homestead's been
in my family for generations.

My great-great-grandfather
speed walked the Oregon Trail.

He died of dysentery,

but he kept his heels firmly
on the ground while he did it.

[CHUCKLES]

Scone, anyone?

Wow, you are
really different

from how Lou
always described you.

Yeah, Lou
once said,

"She is an awful,
terrible person,

"and I would
rather eat dirt
than talk to her."

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You can remember that,

yet I've seen you forget
the words to Happy Birthday?

So, Barb, why'd you
leave Camp Champion?

To be honest,
I got fired

for getting silver
in a speed walking race.

It turns out parents
don't want to send their kids

to a sports camp to be trained
by second-place losers.
[CHUCKLES]

But it's okay.

I thatch my own roof now.

Life does mean
something. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry you got fired,

but isn't moving
to Dusty Tush

to become a pioneer woman
a little drastic, Barb?

Actually I go
by Barbara now.

I'm a changed woman,
and loving it.

I'm so happy. [LAUGHS]

[CRIES] So happy.

Now that
we're all caught up,

do you mind if I take a spin
on your giant hamster wheel?

Okay, great, thanks, bye.

Uh-oh.

Here it comes.

The wrath of Barb.

[CHUCKLES] It's fine.

I'll just mop it up
with my old
Camp Champion shirts.

Most of them
are in tatters now, anyway.

Like my life!
Oh, [CHUCKLES]
did I say that out loud?

Sorry. More tea, anyone?
I'm doing great!

Yeah, I don't think
she's doing great.

Noah, I have
a great idea.

I'm going to make
a commercial

for the Dusty Diner,
and I need your help.

In that case,
please channel

all your acting requests
through my agent.

And if he
returns your call,

let me know how
you got him to do that?

Actually,
I'm going to act in it.

I learned a lot about
slipping into character

when I won
Little Miss Undercover Cop.

Well, technically
"Francesca Rigatoni" won,

but same thing. [CHUCKLES]

I thought
you could direct.

Really?

Oh, man, I've always
wanted to be in charge.

Uh, usually
on set everyone's
telling me what to do.

"Stand over here,"

"Please say this line,"

"Please stop speaking,
you're playing a corpse."

Anyway,
I think it'll be great.

I loved
working with you
as a counselor

and now we can work together
as creatives. [CHUCKLES]

Wow, look at me.

Puppetry, acting,
and now directing?

Oh, my agent
is gonna be so pumped
when he hears this voicemail.

Ugh, Parker,
look at this nonsense.

"You can lead
a horse to water."

Eh, seems legit.

But admittedly,
I once thought

bridles had something
to do with horse marriages.

This brand of beans prints
so-called cowboy wisdom
on the bottom of every can,

but real cowboy wisdom
was crafted over 100 years
of riding horses on the trail.

When my family
took road trips,

we would pass the time

by ordering food
from the flight attendant.
[CHUCKLES]

Our road trips
were on a private jet.

Roads, gross.

The world needs
cowboy wisdom.

Yesterday, it helped
Paul and Stacy
after their break up.

They broke up?

But they carved
"Paul and Stacy Forever"
into the picnic table.

Back in my day,
that meant something.

Don't worry, Parker.

I told them,
"You can't
spell giddy-up

"without U and I,"

and they agreed
to give it another go.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
As the guy who organized

the kickball game
where they first met,

I was, like,
super invested.

I'm impressed, Bill.

What can I say?
It's a cowboy thing.

We're practical,
down-to-earth,
and delightfully folksy.

You oughta share
some of this wisdom
with the camp.

Hmm. Well, I do like
giving advice to yahoos.

Great, then I can
help you get started.

Like you cowboys say,
"Always hitch your horse

"to that thing
you hitch horses to."

Why don't you leave
the cowboyisms to me?

[CHUCKLES] "You can't
make a milk mustache

"without squeezing
a few udders."
All right, I'll stop.

All right, everyone,

let's get the first
shot in the can.

We're burning
daylight here.

Burning daylight?
Noah, it's 10:00 a.m.

I'm sorry.

Did I just hear
an opinion
from an actor?

Excuse me?Uh, yeah, excused.
[CHUCKLES]

Places, people!

Oh, and don't forget
your co-star.

And...

Action!

At the Dusty Diner,
we "carrot" about you
so "lettuce"...

Cut!

What's the matter?
That felt great.

And sometimes
feelings lie
to us, Destiny.

Okay, any suggestions

for what
I should do differently?

Great question.

Let's start
with everything

and then
we'll dial it
back from there.

Places!

And can I get
a bigger megaphone?

That was the same Barb

you told us
all those stories about?

I always thought
she'd be less, well,

I don't wanna say pathetic,
so, can someone else?

She used to be different.

The old Barb
would have made

Winnie clean up
that tea
with her tongue.

And the tea
would have been
a protein shake.

She always called
tea "failed coffee."

People change, Lou.

In one of my past lives,
I was a bear.

Now I hate honey.

Right.

But Barbara is a shell
of her former self.

Getting fired
from Camp Champion

clearly destroyed
her confidence.

I think it's up to us
to go back up there

and remind her
who she really is,

the woman who wrote
the self-help book,

Barb to the Bone,
Diary of a Future Dictator.

And when we do,
I'm gonna ride
that water wheel.

No water wheel!Had to try!

Everyone, step right up
and get some sage wisdom

from a genuine cowboy
for only five dollars.

Parker,

we charging
money for this?

No.

We're charging
tax-deductible
donations for this.

Trust me, bro,
I once applied
to business school.

I'm not sure
I'm comfortable

making people pay
for my advice, Parker.

Therapists
do it all the time.

What's the difference
between you and them?

Hmm, 3,000 hours
of supervised
professional experience?

No, that can't be it.

Come on,
all these campers
need your advice.

And let's be honest,
your parents
didn't name you Bill

because you give
things away for free.
[MIMICS expl*si*n]

Well, I guess
since they're all here.

That's the spirit!

All right,

the cowboy is in.
Who's up first?

Hi, Bill.
I'm Tristan.

What's chafing
your chaps, Tristan?

Two weeks ago,
I lost my title

as camp
tetherball champion.

I've been
really down about it.

Aw, I'm sorry
about that.

But like cowboys say,
"Sometimes you get,
sometimes you get got."

Whoa, you're
so right, Bill.

Life is all about
the give-and-take.

And soon,
the metaphorical
tetherball of life

will swing back my way.

Man, I could bask
in your genius all day...

And you're out
of time. Next!

I gotta admit,
it felt pretty good
to help people.

Sure does.
Sorry, we can't
break a twenty.

Four pieces of wisdom
for this one, Bill.

Now, would you
like a receipt
for your taxes?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, look,
you kids are back.

For an unannounced visit.

In unrelated news,
Barbara's going to
look into building a moat.

Okay, Operation
Bring Back Barb.

Do your thing.

Hi, I'm Jake.

I'm a free-spirited
former bear

who takes life
as it goes.

Do less
of your thing.

Whoa, am I tired.

I think I'll take a nap
instead of doing
camp activities.

Now where shall
I lay my floppy hair?

This bench looks comfy.

That's where
I deworm pigs.

This patch of dirt
looks comfy.

Mmm, that Jake is such
an unmotivated camper.

Too bad
he doesn't
have anyone

to push him towards
his full potential using...
[GASPS]

A whistle!
The universal symbol
of law and order.

Ooh!

Oh, well let him do
what he wants.

He's such
a peaceful angel.
[CHUCKLES]

And that's something
that pleases me now.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, if we're all
doing what we want,

mind if I ride
the water wheel?

Go ahead.

Who am I
to stand in the way
of a girl and her bliss?

Really?Nope.

But my bliss!

Hello, Barbara.
I accidently ordered
this tracksuit online

and I thought
you might
wanna wear it

since you used to like
tracksuits, so much.

You accidentally ordered
a tracksuit that says,
"Barca's number one."

[GASPS] Well,
would you look at that?

That's the last time Mama
goes online shopping

after getting her
eyes dilated, eh?

[CHUCKLES]
Anyway, try it on.

Okay, Lou, I get
what you're doing.

Tracksuits,
whistles, authority.

That's all old Barb.
This is my new life.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go milk a goat.

[CHUCKLES]
Fun, not gross.

At the Dusty Diner
we "carrot" about you...

Cut!

[SIGHS] Even though
you're saying

you're at
the Dusty Diner,

I'm not believing
you're at the Dusty Diner.

I'm literally
standing in front of
the Dusty Diner!

[SIGHS]

Destiny, Destiny, Destiny.

[CHUCKLES]

The art of acting
is to not act, you know?

I just want you
to be for me, Destiny.

Can you be?

I currently wish to be
anywhere else. [CHUCKLES]

Yes!
Wonderful motivation!

Use it!

Okay, people,
we're going again.

And probably
again after that.

It's really
up to Destiny

if you wanna see
your families tonight.
[CHUCKLES]

At the Dusty Diner,
we "carrot" about yo...

NOAH: Cut!

♪ At the Dusty Diner

♪ We carrot about you... ♪

NOAH: Cut!

At the Dusty Diner,
we... [PANTING] Line?

Cut! Why do
we even rehearse?

At the Dusty Diner,
we [PANTING] carrot about...

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

What happened
to your instrument?

[WHISPERING]
You made me do
this so many times,

I can barely speak!
I'm so mad at you!

Okay, I...
I can't really hear
what you're saying,

but finally,
some energy.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Wow.

Well, I heard that
and now I guess
the set needs a swear jar.

Seriously,
I didn't even know
some of those words.

What is going on?

A sold-out show,
that's what.

The booth went so well
that everyone at camp

is buzzing about
how amazing you are.

So, I figured
I'd take you on tour.

[READING SIGN]

[CHUCKLES]
Uh, that's not
a thank you face.

Parker, I never agreed
to do a big show.

I just wanted
to help people.

And you will.
This is the same
as the booth,

only you'll be talking
to a bunch of people
at once,

signing endless autographs,
and wearing...

This!

You can't be serious.

I know what
you're thinking,
don't worry.

I got you
an all-blue version
for after Labor Day.

Bill. Bill,
over here.

Hey, Tristan.

You remember my name?
This is amazing.

I'm your biggest
Bill-iever.

It's what us fans
call ourselves.

But don't be fooled
by the cute name.

We are intense.

All right, Tristan,
you know the deal.

If you want
a private chat
with Bill,

you gotta spring
for the VIP package.

I know, I know.

Don't worry, Bill.
I got a couple of
loose molars,

and once that
Tooth Fairy visits

you won't be able
to get rid of me.

See you tonight.

Parker, I don't
wanna do this anymore.

Just refund everyone.

I can't. I already
spent all the money.

On the merch,
your suit,

our diamond
scooters.Diamond scooters?

Okay, they're cubic
zirconia scooters.

But you can only
tell in a certain light.

Bill, I thought we were
on the same page.

I'm sorry.

This is too much.

I'm out.

Okay, that's fine.

I'll find my own
cowboyisms.

What are you gonna do?

Study the rugged ways
of the cowboy

and come up with 100 years
of wise sayings by yourself?

I don't have to.
I have beans!

[SIGHS] Oh,
I have so many beans.

You could have just
poured them out
instead of eating them all.

Oh, h*, h*,
now we're giving
advice again?

Okay, g*ng,
we've been going
about this all wrong.

The only thing
Barb loved more

than ruling her camp
with an iron fist
was winning.

If we give her a win
and boost her confidence,
maybe we can get her back.

Oh, it's you again.

Really gotta
get on that moat.

Is there an alligator
store nearby?

Hey, wanna take a break
from pioneering for a sec?

Oh, unfortunately not.

I'm pretty booked up
with my needlepoint
right now.

"Giving up is easier
than you think."

Okay, that's
enough crafts for you.

We really wanted
to play some tug-of-w*r,
but we're one person short.

Don't you live
at a summer camp
full of people?

Just play and I'll give you
the name of my alligator guy.

Two kids
versus two adults?

I don't like
our chances.

Dude, we're
supposed to lose.

Oh, then I like
our chances very much.

Okay, everybody.

One, two, three. Go.

Hard pass.[GRUNTS]

[THUDS]

A slap-sticky pratfall?
She's using lowbrow
against us.

Barb, you used to be
the most competitive
person I knew.

How could you
just give up like that?

Because if I don't try,
I can't lose.

Losing's not that
big of a deal, Barb.

Barb is gone.
There's only Barbara.

And she has
butter to churn.

So if you'll excuse me,

my afternoon activity
is curdling.

Hey, Destiny.
Can I talk to you
for a minute?

[HOARSELY]
At least you can talk.

I sound like
I have a terrible secret.

I'm sorry, Destiny.

I... I got so
excited about finally
getting to be in charge

that I forgot
what it was like

to be on the other side
of the camera.

I got carried away
and turned our fun day
together into...

[HOARSELY] A seminar
on artistic egomania?

Wow. I was going to say
a bit of a bummer.

It's okay, Noah,
and I appreciate

you trying to make
a great commercial for me.

I wish we could've
finished it,

but, I sound like
I swallowed one of

Lou's porcupine paninis.

Don't worry.
I have an idea.

And we don't even
need your voice, uh,

which is probably
a good thing,

because I couldn't get you
to project for the life of...

You know what?
It's hard to turn off.
Let's just go.

Can you believe
we're about to get

more cowboy wisdom
from Bill?

I don't know
about you,

but I was dangerously close
to making life decisions

based on my
own instincts.

Bill! Bill!

ALL: [CHANTING] Bill! Bill!
Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!
Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill...

You're not Bill.

No, I'm... [GAGS]...

Not. [SIGHS]

Bill couldn't make it.

But he taught me
his ways.

And now,
I'm full of his wisdom.

[STOMACH GURGLES]
I'm so, so full.

Weird way to say it,
but this is my
entire identity now,

so I guess, let 'er rip.

Careful what you wish for.

Now, let me
just remember

the first piece
of cowboy wisdom
that the beans,

I... I mean, Bill

wished to impart.

[METAL CLANGS]

"Know your limits
because cows
can't reach the sky."

ALL: What?Uh, that's
a little confusing.

Are we the cows
in this metaphor?

[SIGHS] Moving...
[GAGS] On.

"Don't drink
the outhouse water."

Ew.

That's a heath guideline,
not wisdom.

Does he think
we're yahoos?

"Behind every
strong ranch hand
is a donkey mother."

Come on, man.
I dropped
tooth money on this.

Just give me a second.

[CLANGING]

Wait a minute,
your cowboyisms come
from the bottom of bean cans?

So we're not
Bill-ievers, we're...

Bean-lievers?

That doesn't
sound cool at all.

[ALL BOOING]

[WHISTLES]

BOTH: Bill!

Yes, I'm here,
Bill-ievers.

But why are
you all here?

Have I taught you nothing?

"Life's a rodeo,

"sometimes you gotta know
when to let go of a bronco."

Wow, mind blown.

Bill's right.

We've been holding
onto him too tight.

We need to move on

and listen to the voice
in our own hearts.

Thought I was saying
that with the whole
donkey thing, but whatevs.

And, Parker,

even though you got
caught up in the money,

I forgot the most
important advice of all.

"A cowboy always
stands by his friends."

That's good advice
for me, too.

I shouldn't have
made you do something

you felt
uncomfortable with.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, man.

[FARTS]

Sorry.

It's so bad.
It's so bad
I can almost see it.

Get out while you can!
This next one's gonna
blow this suit clean off!

Oh!

[SIGHS] Starting to think
it would've been easier
to just buy a toothpick.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Um, what
are you doing?

Well, since there's
a Barb-shaped hole
in the camp industry now,

I figured someone
had to fill it.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Look at me! I'm Barb!
I have an obsession

with quickly
moving slowly.

You call that
speed walking?

It's supposed to be
slowly moving quickly.

Not that I care.

Winnie, Jake!
[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Give me 100
jumping jacks!

Elbows up!

Suck in your diaphragm!

Oh, no,
make it stop!

Does the blonde one
even know he has arms?

Oh! [GASPS]

Don't look away.
Drink it in, Barca.

Let their poor form
and awkward flailing

rekindle the fire
of who you once were.

Come back to me!

I'm gonna climb up
that water wheel

while they're distracted.
Cover me.

Okay. Wait,
my shoe's untied.

Jake, move!

Fore!

Well, I did what I could.
It's downhill's problem now.

You saved me.

I did save you.

And I beat you
to do it.

I may not be better
than everyone else.

But I am
better than you,

and that's enough.

There's my Barbara.

The one who
turned child safety
into a contact sport.

Barbara? [SCOFFS]

Barbara is gone.

Barb is back.

Gimme that whistle,
Lou-ser. [CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Why did we
do this again?

I don't have a lot
of adult friends, Jake.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Hey, guys.
Are you watching

the Chicken Bowl
championship game?

Yeah, and it has not
disappointed.

In the first quarter,
a giant water wheel
rolled onto the field

and almost took out
half the chickens.
It was chaos.

Wow, that's crazy
and something

I definitely
know nothing about.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[SCREAMS]
Code Barb! Code Barb!

Everyone to the bunker
in an orderly fashion!

Stand down, y'all.
She's friendly.

Wow, Lou,
what a camp.

Congrats on your
continued mediocrity.

[CHUCKLES] Friendly-ish.

But I didn't just
come here to point out

your numerous flaws
as a camp owner.

I actually came here
to confess something.

My great-great-grandfather's
homestead isn't the only thing
that brought me to Dusty Tush.

♪ Here we go chickens
Here we go
Cluck-cluck! ♪

And it certainly
wasn't the rich culture.

I actually came here
because of you.

Deep down, in my
darkest moment...

I kinda missed you.

Aw, thanks, Barb.

And before I put
my pioneering ways
aside for good,

I made you something.

"You put the Lou
in Lou-ser."

So good
to have you back.

[CHUCKLES]
When are you leaving?

[BUZZER SOUNDS ON TV]

Guys, it's halftime.
My commercial
is about to come on.

NOAH ON TV:
At the Dusty Diner,
we "carrot" about you.

So, come on down
and "lettuce" serve you
the best food around.

I didn't think
it was possible,

but you guys might
even be weirder here
than you were in Maine.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]