07x01 - Cursed Day of Camp

[bunniefuu]

Everyone, allow me
to welcome you back
to Kikiwaka Ranch in style.

Cool new
camp jeep, Lou.

And cool new
invisible driver.

We appreciate you, sir.

Actually, this is
a self-driving jeep. Watch.

Jeep, honk.

[JEEP HONKS]Whoa!

I can't believe
we used to have to do that
with our hands like peasants.

I feel like
I'm in a spaceship.

Someone man
the rear laser cannons

and watch for
alien crafts approaching.

Did your moms
let you start playing
video games again?

Yes.

And if they ask,
I am in control.

I can't thank you guys enough
for donating the lost treasure
of Dusty Tush to the Camp.

I think you're gonna be
pretty impressed

with some of the improvements
I've made.

Wait, are you
promising a ropes course
with actual ropes, Lou?

Because I've
been hurt before.

Mostly on the ropes course.

Ooh, are we gonna
get beans with real beans

and not a product
that does not
contain actual beans?

Think bigger, guys.

This is the summer
of unlimited funds
and unlimited fun.

Nothing can stop us now.

[ENGINE ACCELERATING]Uh, did we
just pass camp?

Jeep, stop us! Now.

[ENGINE ACCELERATING]

We're going faster.

Oh.

[GRUNTS] Okay.

How about I
make this self-driving jeep
a myself driving jeep?

[ENGINE ROARING]

I don't like it!

I can't die!

My horses and I
have left so much unsaid!

Man, I missed camp!

Jeep, emergency shutdown!

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Does anyone wanna hear
about our new ropes course?

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Destiny!

[GASPS] Noah!

I missed you!

I know. We have
so much to catch up on.

What did the CIA want?

Classified,
don't worry about it.

More importantly,
a little birdie told me

you have a second camper
this year.

You've taken
your first step

into a larger world.

I really don't think
it's that big a...Hush, child.

You know not
of what you speak.

[MUFFLED] Okay.

I need to show you something.

Come to the clearing
in the woods tonight

after your two campers
have gone to sleep.

Be discreet.

I'll try for discreet,

but my fashion
inspiration words
for this summer are

"Look at me."

Speaking of new looks,

is it just me or does
this camp seem different?

Yeah, I'm getting that.

Why are you guys so late?

Lou almost k*lled us
with Meryl Jeep.

Ah, like the time
she crashed Bike Tyson?

More like Skate Middleton.

Okay, we get it.

Guys, look at
all the cool new stuff

I bought for the camp
with the treasure.

Like automatic doors. Watch.

[CHUCKLES]

Ta-dah!

Let's see the giant bats
try to open these babies.

I wanna try!

I don't like it, it's mean.

[FABRIC RIPPING][CHILD YELLS]

Man, why isn't
anything I bought working?

The jeep's auto drive,

the doors, the ball pit
that swallowed a camper.

Don't worry,
we can still hear him.

I hoped it wasn't true,
but there was a legend

about the lost treasure
of Dusty Tush being...

Tax deductible?

Cursed!

[ALL GASP]

Cursed?

Why did you let us hunt
for a cursed treasure

all last summer?

Well, I didn't
really believe it.

The curse was something
my weird Uncle Lutz
always talked about.

Then again,
he also thought
cows were spying on him.

They can't do that.

Cows have to tell
if they're working
for the cops, right?

But if Uncle Lutz
was right,

that would explain why
the Buttock brothers
hid the treasure away.

The curse is real!

You should give
all this new stuff
back, Lou!

[GASPS] Before
the ball pit
feasts again.

Absolutely not.

Enrollment is way up
with me being able

to advertise
all this cool stuff.

People love the idea
of these doors.

Guys? A little help?

Fine, I'll get the old doors
out of storage.

But not for cursed reasons,
because I like the look.

Hi, new friends!

Hi, there!
Are you the new Mustang?

Oh, close.

I'm the new human.

Mustangs have four legs
and extra vertebrae.

Common mistake.

Well, not really common,
but try not to feel bad.

Actually, Mustang
is our cabin name.

I'm Destiny,
and this is Winnie.

Hi, nice...

[SNIFFING]

Guess we're not
doing handshakes
this year.

Hmm.

Fear, sweat
and girl power.

Let me guess.
You're kind of a...

[SNIFFS] Daredevil?

Also...
[SNIFFS DEEPLY]

O positive?

Oh, she's good.

How did you do that?
You're nose is so smart.

I grew up
on my parents'
nature preserve,

so animals taught me
everything I know.

But I can't wait to hang out

with some human friends
this summer.

Really tired of saying
"No monkey business,"

and the monkeys replying,
"It's just business, girl."

Wait, you can
talk to animals?

What? You don't
believe me?

Of course we believe you.

You're like a regular
Doctor Dolittle.

Who's that?

[GASPS] Was she also
homeschooled with seals?

Hey, wanna come meet
some of my friends?

Okay. Just
let me change first,

because you know
what turkeys say
about first impressions.

[GOBBLES LIKE A TURKEY]

Do you think Lou gave you

the two most
high-maintenance campers
on purpose?

Oh, yeah.

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no.
It's my worst nightmare.

I'm underdressed.

Don't worry, Destiny,

your attitude
is always black-tie.

Welcome to
the two-camper club.

What?

I said, "Welcome..."

No, no, I heard
the weird words.

What exactly is
a two-camper club?

Oh, just a community
of counselors

who gather once a week
to network, fellowship,

and discuss
the two-camper lifestyle

with a little pizzazz.

Two-camper lifestyle?

Yeah. We help each other

with two-camper
specific problems.

Like when you're
helping one kid with laundry,

and the other accidentally
gets on a non-stop train
to Cheyenne.

I think that's
a Jake-specific problem.

At least he
brought us back fudge.

We also do recipe swaps

specifically for
three-person meals.

Oh, and we have
so many inside jokes.

Just go up to Carl
sometime, and ask him
about... [GIGGLES]

Ask him about his cat,
it's hilarious.

Just make sure
I'm there when you do it.

Wow. This sounds
like a lot of fun.

So much fun,
it's almost upsetting
to hear about.

Am I red? I feel red!

You seem stressed.

It's too bad
I couldn't tell you
about our winter spa retreat.

Oh, there was
this cucumber facial

that would have
taken that twitch
right out your eye.

[SCOFFS]

Noah, why didn't you tell me
about any of this?

I also like pizzazz.

Because you didn't have
two campers last summer.

The first rule
of two-camper club is

"Don't tell one-campertons
about two-camper club."

"One-campertons"
is what we call you guys.

Yeah, I cracked the code!

I can't believe
you kept this
a secret from me.

Having one camper
isn't that different
from having two campers.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I know, guys,
don't worry.

She'll learn.

Wait! Don't leave.

We got you
two symbolic cakes!

How's it going up there, Lou?

Amazing.

This brand-new parasail
and self-driving boat

is gonna be awesome
for the kids to use
this summer at camp.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
I love being rich.

BILL: Lou, remember the curse.

And check your privilege,
but mostly remember the curse!

PARKER: Bill,
I'm with Lou on this one.

And not just 'cause she said
I can use that thing next.

Lou, bring me back an eagle.

Bill, Parker's right.
There is no curse.

[TOW LINE SNAPS]

Okay, the tow line just broke,

I'm not longer
attached to the boat,

but I'm sure this is still
just a coinci...
[SCREAMING] Dence!

Oh, good, it looks like
she's gonna land
on the green lawn.

[LOU SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Nope, that's hard roof.

So...

No eagle?

I think you're right.
The treasure is cursed.

LOU: Is it weird

I just found
someone's retainer?

Hey, guys.

Greetings, Winona.

Corbin, we talked
about this.

It's either Winnie
or Queen of the Universe.

Yes, of course.

And who might
this young lady be?

Hey, I'm Scout.

She grew up on
a nature preserve.

What a delight.

I grew up on
a cul-de-sac.

It's the jungle
of the suburbs.

[HISSING]

[SCREAMS] A snake!

I hate nature! Why am I here?

Relax, it's just
a king snake.

[HISSING]

She says she's
more afraid of you
than you are of her.

[HISSES]

Also, she thinks
legs are weird.

She said that to you?

We all think
legs are weird, Corbin.
Let it go.

I can speak snake.

In fact, my best friend
is a snake.

Both because
she slithers,

and also because
she talks behind my back.

[SIGHS WEARILY]
It's messy.
But we make it work.

Well, color me dubious.

Which means doubtful.

I'm a whiz at vocab.

Hey, uh,
maybe don't mention

the being able
to talk to animals thing.

Why not?

I read a book
by Michelle Obama,

and I'm not supposed to be
dimming my light.

Well, uh, we don't
want anyone to be jealous.

Oh. I get it.

You guys don't believe me.

No, it's not that.

Hey, Scout,
the verdict is in.

We don't believe you.

Okay, it's
a little bit that.

I can speak to animals,
and I can prove it.

But she won't
because she's
too secure.

I just need an animal.

Nevermind, looks like
we're doing this.

I'll be back in a flash
because my gym coach
was a cheetah,

which is why I can
also shower with my tongue.

Face!

Why you gotta dim
people's light, Corbin?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now don't forget
the googly eyes, kids.

You wanna make sure
that your puppet can see

when one of
the other puppets
betrays her.

I'm sorry.

Am I to understand
you guys are
making puppets

without moi?

Moiloves puppets!

And?

And why didn't you tell me?

I got a beeper
specifically
for this reason.

And also because

I'm trying to
put my phone away
and be more present.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I withhold information
about something

you would find fun
and entertaining?

You don't even like puppets,
you said they creep you out.

Which are strong words
coming from a former clown.

I don't know
what you're talking about,

I have always loved
sock puppets.

And their weirdly
long necks

and disproportionate eyes.

Adorable!

Okay, I see
what's going on here.

You didn't
tell me about this

because I didn't tell you
about the two-camper club.

I guess I just
finally realized that

we're friends that
keep secrets from each other.

Which is fine.
I can keep secrets!

I was born a brunette!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[WHISPERS]
You never heard that.

[BEEPER BEEPS]

Okay, I'm gonna
continue this
conversation,

but I have to go.

My mom says
she needs the 411
before the day is done.

Okay, the eyes
just moved!

Did anybody see that?

Uh, Scout,
what are you doing?

Proving to everyone
I can talk to animals.

Bryan will sit,
stand, and roll over.

He can also do the Macarena,

but he prefers to save that
for weddings.

Uh, I don't think
anyone's gonna want
to meet a skunk.

But skunks are so cool.

Did you know
their a**l glands
do a little dance

before they deploy?

I'm sorry,
but if you won't
brag about yourself,

I have to.

Won't we get sprayed?

Don't worry,
skunks only spray
when they're scared.

Now, let's do this.

Hey, everyone, meet...

Skunk![ALL SCREAMING]

[WINNIE SCREAMS]

Oops. Sorry.

I saw the a**l glands dance.

I'm never gonna
fit in here.

I should have never
come to camp.

So, Bryan...[SQUEAKS]

Where'd you learn
the Macarena?

Where's Lou?

She's taking the golf cart
she bought with the treasure
for a joyride so, you know,

pray for her.

She just won't
listen to reason
about the curse.

I think she has
gold fever.

How can you tell?

She's obsessed
with the treasure.

Did you see her at lunch?

She was sharing
a plate of spaghetti
with a pile of coins.

She offered it fresh,
cracked pepper.

If she won't
get rid of the treasure,
we need to do it for her.

Where do you think
she keeps it?

Something tells me...
Oh. There.

[SIGHS]

We're going to have to
guess the combination.

Ooh, I know.

[LOCK BUZZES]

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]What number was that?

It's my birthday.

I'm offended,
I thought we were close.

Then let's try
Lou's birthday.

Oh, great, when is it?I thought you were close!

We only see each other
three months out of the year.

What more
do you want from us?

LOU: December 5th.Thank you, Lou.

Lou!

I thought you were
taking the golf cart around.

I was going to,
then the battery died,

then the wheels fell off,
then it exploded.

Means nothing.

You weren't trying
to get to the gold,
were you?

Lou, please,
you have gold fever.

I don't know
what gold fever is,

but everyone showers
with a crown on.

It's a thing.

You have to
let the treasure go.

This curse
will destroy you
and the camp.

Yeah, this camp was great
without the gold last summer,

and it'll be great
without the gold this summer.

[MOCKINGLY] "Great without
the gold this summer."

But I need it!

Think of the things
we could buy,

the retainers we could find.

Lou, take it from someone

who used to have
a lot of money,

and then had it all
taken away.

I thought it was
the end of the world,

and then you taught me
that money isn't everything.

We can have fun without it.

Trust us.
Nothing good can come
from this treasure.

That's not true.

For your information,
I used some of the money
from the treasure

to adopt
an endangered buffalo.

He's on the property,
safe from poachers
as we speak.

Just a little something
the gold and I came up with

over a working lunch.

Hold up.

A dangerous wild buffalo

is running loose
around the camp?

Relax.

I put up a new fence
to keep him away
from the campers.

A new fence
I also paid for
with the treasure.

Yeah, we should
probably check on that.

Everyone, to
the golf cart!

Oh, wait,
that's still on fire.

Everyone, to the jeep!

There you are.

[GASPS] Is that Nibbles,
the camper-eating goat?

And he's
in our cabin?

And he's letting you
pet him?

And he's
in our cabin?

He's actually pretty snuggly
if you watch your fingers.

Maybe people should
just give him a chance.

He eats kids.

We all have our thing.
Just let us live. Jeez.

Hey, are you
doing okay?

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

I came here because

I didn't really belong
spending all my time
with animals,

but making human friends
has been so hard.

Maybe I don't
belong here either.

I just don't know
where I fit in.

Scout, you shouldn't worry
about fitting in right away.

Everyone feels
left out sometimes.

One day,
you're the rodeo queen,

the next,
you're one-camperton.

Everyone's having a party,
and you're not invited!

I feel like this is
becoming about you.

Yes.

But the point is,
it's only a matter of time

before people realize
how amazing you are.

And, hey,

you already made friends
with two Mustangs.

But there aren't
any wild horses around...
[GASPS]

Oh! Wordplay.

Nice.

So, I did make friends?

Yep, and at
arts and crafts,

we'll make it
bracelet-official.

[GASPS][GIGGLES]

Oh, by the way,
where's Winnie?

She's airing out
in the woods.

Bryan's a**l glands
did the Macarena
all over her.

I'm really hoping
Bryan is a skunk.

Okay, good.

[SNIFFING]

Meh, I've been worse.

Ooh. Hey, Winnie,
I brought the usual.

Hydrogen peroxide,
baking soda, and dish soap.

Ooh, yes.
The Winnie special.

[CAR HONKING]

Is that Lou's new jeep?

Who's honking that horn
like a peasant?

Get in! There's
a cursed buffalo
running around.

Hearsay, we don't know
if it's running around.

[GRUNTING]

Just kidding.
It's running around.
Get in.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Okay. Hold on
to your butts!

[ROARS]

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Okay, let go
of your butts.

[BUFFALO GRUNTING]

He's coming around
the other side.

Dang, this jeep
is cursed!

Why didn't anyone tell me?

[GRUNTS]

[ALL SCREAMING][BUFFALO ROARS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

If only Meryl Jeep
was as dependable
as her namesake!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Does anyone here
speak buffalo?

SCOUT: I do!

Wow, even I thought
I was fishing.

[BUFFALO GRUNTING]

Hey, you! [ROARS]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[ROARING]

[ROARING]

Yeah, that's
what I thought!

[BUFFALO GRUNTS]Do you nuzzle your momma
with that mouth?

Scout, you did it.

Only because I took
advanced buffaloese.

No one try that yourselves,
you will die.

You really
can talk to animals.

I told you.

You believe me, right?

Yeah-huh. Always.

Super supportive
counselor over here.

Wait until
the rest of the camp
hears about this.

Yes. And I think
we can agree
all's well that ends well,

and I don't need
to change anything I'm doing.

Really?

No. My face
put a skylight
in the mess hall.

That gold is cursed.

Hey!

What is everyone doing
at our secret two-camper club
meeting spot?

I've said too much.

[EXHALES]

"Only one
of my ear lobes
is fake.

"I tell everyone
it's both just for attention.

"I have perfect vision.

"The glasses
are just to draw attention
away from my earlobes."

What are you doing?

Telling you
all my secrets.

"Remember those leggings
you thought you lost
in the wash last summer?

"I took them
and added them
to my Shakespeare wardrobe.

"And I'm not sorry.

"I never learned how to floss,

"and now it feels like
it's too late to ask.

"I don't think
cilantro tastes like soap,

"but I do think
soap tastes like cilantro.

"My real name
isn't Noah, it's..."

Stop!

Really? Stop there?

Look, it's okay
you didn't tell me
about the two-camper club.

Are you sure?

Because that horse puppet
you left in my bed

that had X's for eyes
sends a very clear message.

I was being petty.

You're allowed
to have your own secrets.

And after today,

I've realized
that having two campers
really is a special challenge.

In related news,

Winnie will be living
in the barn for a while.

I'll tell the two-camper club.
We'll start a meal train.

Thanks, Noah.Anytime.

Oh, and see you
at the next meeting.

It's a theme night.

Everyone's dressing
as their favorite camper.

Oh, things are
about to get problematic!

Then, it was so cool.
She roared,

and the buffalo
totally understood her,
so it went away.

I still need to work
on the accent,
but he got the gist.

Scout saved us all.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Apologies for
not believing you, Scout.

Will you forgive me?

Of course.

I'll have
my lion friend

take you off
his list of enemies
right away.

What?What?

Look at that,
Scouts making
a bunch of new friends,

but now my other camper
is an outcast

at least for the next
two to five days.

Can someone toss me
a marshmallow?

I need a taste in my mouth
that isn't how I smell.

Classic two-camper problems.

BOTH: Two!

So, do you regret letting us
rebury the cursed treasure?

No, I did have
a bad case of gold fever,

but I'm ready
to earn my fortune
the old-fashioned way.

By overcharging parents.

That's the spirit.

Just, uh, out of curiosity,
where did you bury it?

Ah. Nope, nevermind,
don't answer that.

[CHUCKLES]
Is it over by the lake?
Don't say that either.

What about Tush Prairies?

Just tell me
if I'm hot or cold.
[CHUCKLES]

I have a problem.

The important thing
is that the gold is gone.

And everything
you bought with it
is about to be.

Well, there will
still be a cursed buffalo
running around,

but, hey, I'm sure
that won't come back around
to bite us later. Literally.

Anyway, curse neutralized,
first campfire underway,

looks like there's
nothing left to worry about.

Guys? A little help?

Except sometimes
I worry about him.

Push. Don't pull, buddy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]