05x09 - If I Were a Witch Man

[bunniefuu]

["Ghostbusters" playing]

Ghostbusters!

[screaming]

There's something strange

In the neighborhood

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters!

[alarm blaring]

There's something weird

And it don't look good

Uh-oh!

Who you gonna call?

[cat yowling]

Ghostbusters!

[siren blaring]

[growls]

[Slimer] Luigi, jump!

[screams]

I ain't afraid of no ghost

Woah!

[screaming]

I ain't afraid of no ghost

[Slimer] Ghostbusters!

Yeah!

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters!

And me! And me!

[tour guide] Now, take a good look, folks.

This quaint New England

village of Lewiston

is steeped in 300 years

of proud pilgrim history.

It's hard to believe that

such a peaceful place

once lived in absolute

terror of witchcraft.

Of course, huh, everyone today knows

that witches are just a myth.

Harv, look, there's a witch.

Come, goblins,

let's give these rubbernecks a real show.

[goblins snickering]

[gasps]

[witch cackling]

[tires screech]

[witch laughing]

[passengers screaming]

[indistinct clamoring]

[passenger] Oh, my goodness.

[screams]

This is just the beginning, old friend.

[cackling]

[Egon] Be very, very quiet, Slimer.

This is a delicate experiment,

I need absolute silence.

[Slimer gibbering]

[expl*si*n]

Whoa!

Gee, I could never get

that chair into reverse.

[screams]

Egon?

Ugh.

I like it, Egon.

The home ejection seat.

Guaranteed to spice up an

otherwise dull evening.

Whew.

I was in the midst of

a delicate experiment.

And suddenly, a vision

of a hideous hag popped into my mind.

I lost all my concentration,

and ka-blooey.

Yeah, ka-blooey.

Oh, heh, sorry.

A "hideous hag?"

Maybe you've been working

a little too hard lately, bubby.

That's not the reason, Peter.

It was something else.

[phone rings]

Ghostbuster Central.

Hey, guys, do we do witches and goblins?

For double our usual fee?

So it's a hoax or swamp gas.

Just look at it as a well-paid

drive to Massachusetts.

We'll buy some maple syrup.

Maple syrup?

[slurps] Mmm-mm.

Have we sunk to this?

Compromising our principles

for a cheap sugar rush?

Not cheap, Egon. Double our normal fee.

Ah, I can smell those maple trees now.

[Slimer] Yeah!

[sharply inhales] Me too.

In two days, gentlemen,

we celebrate our 300th pilgrim festival.

Thousands of tourists will be arriving.

And I want this witch

problem cleared up by then.

Uh, Mayor, may I be frank?

He's really Peter.

Uh, please do.

Witches just don't compute.

My money's still on swamp gas.

Swamp gas could carry away a grown man?

OK, swamp gas with an attitude.

[groaning]

[both] Mmm-mmm.

[gasps]

Ray, Ray.

Not now, Slimer.

We're busy with the mayor.

I'll run a few tests on the remote chance

there is a ghost problem.

I'm confident Lewiston is

in safe hands, gentlemen.

By the way, your makeup is terrific.

I've got to run.

What makeup?

Hey, look, over there.

[Winston] Would you get a load of that?

Man, what's going on here?

Precisely what I am wondering.

[Peter] Is there something

you're not telling us, Egon?

Ah, wait, here we go.

Eli Spengler, legendary hero of Lewiston,

who drove out witchcraft 300 years ago.

Amazing.

I always thought that Grandma Spengler

made up that story

about her great grandpa

Eli imprisoning a witch in a crystal.

Wow.

Well, statue or no statue,

my money's still on swamp gas.

Possibly, but I'm activating the sensors.

All right, Slimer, sweep the whole are

and be careful with that P.K.E cam.

It's the only one we've got.

Aye, aye, Egon.

[beeping]

Bingo.

The spud found something.

[Winston]

Whatever that place is, it's red hot.

That's the Lewiston Girls Academy.

Slimer, return to base, pronto.

Roger, Peter.

[wings flapping]

Hey.

Company coming.

Sensors show a mass migration of spectral

activity headed straight for us.

[screams]

- [goblins snickering]

- [Slimer screaming]

Swamp gas, huh, Peter?

[goblin screams]

[people screaming]

[witch cackling]

[mayor screaming]

[witch laughing]

Spengler, after 300 years,

I am free again.

You shall soon taste the revenge

of Kestrel!

[cackles]

That's her. The hag whose

face I saw in the lab today.

[Ray] Faster, Winston, we're losing them.

[Winston] Man, that broom really hauls.

I can't keep up.

They've gone off the scope,

but they were heading towards

that Girls Academy.

Uh, hang to left next corner,

it's about two miles out of town.

According to this, Kestrel is an evil

demoness who has no physical shape.

So she takes possession of people's bodies

and makes them do terrible things.

Yuck.

Well, what does she want with the mayor?

[Egon] Revenge.

Mayor Moody is a descendent

of the original pilgrims

who captured Kestrel.

So is the missing bus driver. And so am I.

Then as long as Kestrel's loose,

you're in danger.

So we're going to stick to you

like cops to a donut shop.

You got that right.

[Kestrel cackles]

[P.K.E. Meter buzzing]

May I help you?

Sorry, ma'am, official business.

We're chasing a witch.

[gasps]

Not here, you're not.

My girls are studying for final exams

and cannot be disturbed.

[Winston] Ma'am, we're the Ghostbusters,

and we

And I'm Margaret Prandish,

headmistress of this school.

Now, you must leave immediately.

You don't understand.

Our instruments show that this school

is a veritable psychokinetic Chernobyl.

What did he say?

Who cares, he's totally cute.

Girls!

Now, now, ma'am, no need to get excited.

We're professionals.

Isn't she cute when she's angry?

[girls giggling]

Good night.

Glad to be of help, ma'am.

We'll check it out, ma'am.

Try not to worry, ma'am.

Poor girl's crazy about me.

I'm getting abnormally high valency.

[rapid beeping]

Ouch. Something major down there.

- [gasps]

- [all] What?

You those Ghostbuster fellas?

Hey, you better be

careful around this hole.

[Ray] What is it anyway?

[man] Well, they're digging

for a new gymnasium

and hit some old stone ruins

a few days ago.

Then, every blasted piece of

equipment just quit on them.

Darnedest thing I ever saw.

Hey, where you going?

Gotta check something out.

Oh, it's scary in here, Ray.

[screams]

Ugh.

This is definitely an old

Elron Witchcraft Altar.

But there'sThere should be

a big round rock crystal right here.

- [metallic clang]

- Ouch

Whoa, got something, guys.

Hey, what's that?

Wow, that's it.

[Ray] Or, half of it.

[snarling]

[screaming]

[gibbering]

[confused snarl]

Ha!

[screams]

[screams]

Hey, hey, whoa. Hey, get out of my face.

Whoa, hey.

They're after the crystal.

[snarling]

Ugh, let go you little larva. [grunting]

[gasps]

Nice move, Slimer.

Egon, behind you.

Hey, nail him, Winston,

I can'tI can't see them.

Sorry, man.

At least we still have

the crystal fragment.

And a few tests should tell us

why it's so important to Kestrel.

[high pitched whirring]

Hey, look out, stop.

[screams]

Hold on, Slimer.

[wailing]

It's half of a primitive containment unit.

Kestrel must have the other half.

Yeah and whoever ends up with

both halves, wins.

[Ray] Miss Prandish, we're convinced that

Kestrel has taken possession of

a human host in this school.

It's imperative that we run

P.K.E. tests on every girl here.

Absolutely not.

I told you that my students

are in the midst of finals.

Well, what if we blend in

and work undercover?

"Blend in"?

Gentlemen, this is a girls' school.

You owe me big for this one, Egon.

Protecting you from witches

is getting to be a real drag.

If you know what I mean.

Do I have too much eye shadow?

The problem is the color, Peter.

It has to compliment your lip gloss.

I have a color chart.

Forget it.

Winston and his bright ideas.

I just wish he had

to wear these pantyhose.

They're m*rder, man.

[bell ringing]

It's showtime.

[door slams]

Huh?

[blows whistle]

Lap nine.

[panting]

Keep it moving, girls.

[P.K.E. Meter whirring and beeping]

[panting]

Huh?

[snarling]

You all failed.

[cackles]

Uh, Miss Prandish.

Excuse me, Miss Prandish.

I need to speak with you.

Gross. Code maroon.

Ground floor, corridor c.

What's up, Ray?

What's up, Ray?

She's using Miss Prandish's body.

She had to go through here.

I was right on her tail.

I have a reading,

but it's too weak for a directional fix.

[goblin mumbles indistinctly]

Well done.

With these, I shall use

the flesh and blood of a Spengler

to destroy Lewiston.

[cackles]

[cackles]

This is it, guys.

We're going into that school

and we're not coming out

until Kestrel's in the bag.

Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

Vampire wings and scorpion stings

ground to powder fine.

Now the spell is complete.

Egon Spengler is mine.

[goblins gabbling]

[beeping]

[snarls]

Ice 'em, Egon.

Trap on!

[screams]

[Slime snarling]

Huh?

[screams]

Ray, Peter, Winston!

Witch has Egon.

What?

[Krestel grunts]

Ray, Winston, Kestrel's got Egon.

Correction, Kestrel is Egon.

Oh, no.

Now, now, you know if you use that weapon,

you'll harm your precious Egon.

Egon, I know you're in there.

Fight it, big guy.

Too late.

[wheezing]

Whoever ends up with both halves, wins.

Huh, right, Peter?

Ray, bring that potion.

Ugh.

[snarling]

Whoa.

[cackles]

[cackling]

She's going straight for Ecto.

By possessing Egon, she also

possesses his awareness.

So she knows where our half

of the crystal's hidden.

[cackles]

No!

Forty-seven.

Fifty-three.

[cackles]

Three hundred years,

I have waited for revenge,

Eli Spengler.

[vehicle approaches]

[brakes screech]

Keep them busy.

Wait, any of that exorcism juice left?

I'll have to make some.

Do it. We'll hold the spooks off.

[pulsated beeping]

Ghostbusters

[sizzling]

Ghostbusters

As descendent's of

those who imprisoned me 300 years ago,

it shall now be your prison for eternity!

Get ready, spud.

[sizzling]

Oh!

Oh.

Ghostbusters

[sizzling]

Ghostbusters

No!

[screams]

Nice going, man. You feeling OK?

Actually, I feel like

I need a long shower.

Hey, Egon, you big knucklehead.

How come you're back in that

ugly dress and stupid wig?

I beg your pardon?

Hey, Peter, leave that lady

alone and come join us for lunch.

Swamp gas would've been so much easier.

It's showtime.

[theme music playing]