03x09 - Fraudcast News

[bunniefuu]

♪ Daring duck of mystery ♪

♪ champion of right ♪

♪ swoops out of the shadows ♪

♪ darkwing of the night ♪

♪ somewhere some
villain schemes ♪

♪ but his number's up ♪



♪ Darkwing duck ♪

♪ when there's
trouble you call d.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing duck ♪

Let's get dangerous.

♪ Darkwing duck ♪

Darkwing, darkwing duck!

♪ A cloud of smoke
and he appears ♪

♪ the master of surprise ♪

♪ who's that
cunning mind behind ♪

♪ the shadowy disguise ♪

♪ nobody knows for sure ♪

♪ the bad guys are out of luck ♪

♪ here comes ♪

♪ darkwing duck ♪

Look out!

♪ When there's
trouble you call d.W. ♪

♪ Darkwing duck ♪

Let's get dangerous!

♪ Darkwing duck ♪

♪ you better watch
out, you bad boys ♪

♪ darkwing duck ♪♪

You'll never catch the
cheese g*ng, darkwing!

Whoa!

That gets the blood pumping!

Not as much as this will!

Aah! Emergency measures!

Whew! That emergency
superspring worked great, d.W.

But what's the plan
for when we come down?

Aah! Aah!

Suck gas, you...

Unconscious evil... never mind.

And that was the scene tonight

as the enigmatic darkwing duck

saved the citizens of St. canard

from the clutches of crime.

Next on canard copy,

a searing profile of
merriweather, the c*ck mime

appearing at the St.
canard center for the arts.

Way cool! That was awesome!

Well, heh heh, it was nothing.

It was incredible!

I've never seen
anything like it.

You think so?

I was good, but really...

I'm talkin' about
Bianca beakley, my idol!

I wanna be a
newscaster like her.

Oh, her. I guess she was o.K.

This doesn't mean you
can't be her idol, too.

She's probably just
going through a phase.

But she is top of the
news heap in St. canard,

and she's rich,
beautiful, and brilliant.

Maybe you should be worried.

Thank you for sharing.

I guess it's good she has a
sophisticated role model,

instead of a lunatic monster.

Listen to me, you
stinking coal weasels!

Our ratings are lower
than a gopher's basement.

Find something good,

or we'll be working
at hamburger hippo!

Bianca, we're doing
the best we can.

You're fired!

Well?

Suggestions?

[Gulp]

Our ratings went up .0002%

when we showed that
darkwing duck clip.

Maybe we could
do a series on him?

You call that an
idea? You're fired!

I have it!

We'll do a series
on darkwing duck.

Why are you slime
waffles standing around?

Let's move!

Bianca beakley, canard copy.

Care to tell us about
your heroic struggle

against the forces of evil?

Well, I'll tell ya...

When I consider
miscreants like these,

it boils my onions.

That's why I scour the city

extracting knavery
like some infected tooth...

With occasional minor
assistance from launchpad.

That concludes
the first in a series

on the terror that
flaps in the night.

Series of reports?

Unless you object.

Golly. I don't know.

Well...

Get ready for the
adventure of your life.

Oh, yeah.

This is excitement.

It's a slow night.

What should I do about it?

Yes! A crime!

Careful! The felonious
owner may be nearby.

Hold it right there, sister!

You thought you'd get
away with it. Thought...

Did that hurt as
much as it looked?

Did I rent enough
vcrs? I wanna get this.

In tonight's show,

we take a look at that
masked Mallard, darkwing duck.

Showtime!

Darkwing's day isn't
just filled with robberies.

It's also filled with
suffering, disappointment,

and the occasional snack.

Is my bill really that big?

You don't think I look fat?

Really shows how I mop
up vicious jaywalkers...

And loiterers... and
leash-law violators.

Who am I kidding?

Nobody cares about that stuff.

They want real crime.

Nobody cares about that stuff!

They wanna see real crime!

With the supervillain
convention in Florida,

there's no crime in town.

Supervillain convention?

I don't care about
any convention!

My career's over if darkwing
doesn't fight a supervillain soon!

Merriweather the c*ck is
bigger than darkwing right now.

St. canard is more
interested in bugs than in...

Wait a second!

Supervillain.

Bug.

Ha ha ha ha!

Eureka!

If it's bugs people want,

they'll get bugs like
they won't believe!

Direct from his tour
of the continent,

the world-famous
merriweather the c*ck mime!

I can't see a thing from here.

Shush. It's culture.

Ha ha ha ha!

Fear me, St. canard!

I am the monarch of
the insect kingdom.

I am the bug master!

I'm not very nice at all.

Careful with the
coconuts, little buddy.

Ow!

We interrupt pelican's island

for this special
canard copy report.

It looked like they'd
get off the island!

We take you to the St.
canard center for the arts

where the bug master has taken
merriweather the c*ck hostage.

I am the bug master.

That sounds like...
I've been watching TV,

and I'm sick of this
second-rate jerk darkwing duck!

Hey, hey! I'm a first-rate jerk!

Darkwing, can you guess
which bug I'll take next?

Come on, launchpad.

There's something strange
about this bug master.

Yeah. She's threatening
a c*ck.

I call that strange.

But she...

Gos must be goin'
through a phase.

What is your response
to bug master's challenge?

Bianc, it's like I always say...

You've got to break some pennies

to save an omelet.

Come on, launchpad.

What makes you think the
bug master will strike here?

Elementary, my dear launchpad.

Bug master has a thing for bugs.

The museum is showing
its most precious bug,

the golden scarab
of quackankhamen.

Good thinking, d.W.

Besides, my supercrime-sensing
watch says so.

We're here in time.

Everything all right here?

As long as darkwing
duck is here,

no evildoer would
dare... [bug buzzes]

Would dare to... yeowch!

That's a taste of
my wasp's sting.

Makes you mad as a hornet.

Another pun-obsessed
supervillain.

Missed me, shoehorn-beak.

Not.

Suck gas, evildoer!

One false move
and the mime gets it.

O.k. O.K.

Just put the c*ck down.

Ha! Not a chance!

I came here for the scarab,

and I'm going to get it!

Try some stink
bug gas, dronewing.

Peeyuu! That's worse than your
chicken feather pie, launchpad!

She's gone!

And so's the scarab!

O.k., fine.

I know this looks bad,

but everything is
completely under control.

Completely under control.

Absolutely correct, darkwing.

Completely under my control!

You know, boys, I think I
like this criminal stuff.

This scarab's worth twice
a network anchor's salary.

As for that costumed buffoon,

he's nothing more
than a trivial annoyance.

That's why I'm planning my
final report in the series...

The extermination
of darkwing duck!

Ha ha ha!

Nice shot of me.
Good composition.

The only thing that
could make it better

is if I caught the crook!

That was the scene at
the St. canard museum.

Doesn't something strike you
funny about Bianca beakley?

Too much make-up.

Isn't it weird that
she's never around

when the bug master appears?

How'd she know that crook
would strike at the museum?

She's your idol. Why don't
you ask her, miss pinfeathers?

Yeah. Why don't I?

Uh, miss beakley,
I'm gosalyn Mallard

from the St. canard
elementary press.

I'm your biggest fan!
You're totally cool!

That's lovely.

I'll call security.

They'll give you
an 8 x 10 glossy.

[Gasp] Hey! You're
the bug master!

Holy cats! My idol's a crook!

Uh, well, I'm not a crook!

You saw my reports
on darkwing, right?

Fiendish jaywalkers?

He looked like a
complete goofball!

Yeah, so?

So I came up with this
plan to make him look good.

The next time we
fight, he'll win.

When crooks see that on TV,

they'll be scared of him again.

Then I'll return that stuff.

You're creating your own news

to boost your ratings?

Uh, well, yeah.

I can live with that.

As long as you're
helping darkwing.

Sure I am. And not even
he knows it. Wanna help?

Me? Help Bianca
beakley? You bet!

Beautiful.

By correlating insect data

with all the data on St. canard,

I can determine where
bug master will strike.

Are you sure this'll work?

Launchpad, this is science.
Science always works.

I'll be over here
reading the funnies.

Heh heh. Don't strain yourself.

Ah, here we go.

Fact one... the
zaslovian squat fly

eats three times its weight.

So what?

Hey, d.W., look what I found!

Fact two... St. canard
makes an ideal holiday spot.

What is this?

How am I gonna track
the bug master now?

Maybe this is
where she'll strike.

It seems so to
the untrained eye.

"Darkwing, meet me at midnight

"in the warehouse
at 3rd and mcswain.

The bug master."

Sometimes the untrained
eye can be right.

Come on, launchpad.

Let's get dangerous.

Wonder what it costs
to have my eyes trained.

It always comes
to this, launchpad...

You, me,

a supervillain craving
my destruction,

and an abandoned warehouse.

I wish once it could
be a roller rink.

D.w., it's merriweather
the c*ck!

D.w., he's miming "danger"!

What does he know?
He's a c*ck.

Psst. Darkwing! Over here!

What are you doing
in that costume, missy?

Ha ha ha. You've
played into our hands,

you masked meathead. Now!

You fool!

You're no match for the
bug master and the grub!

Darkwing duck, prepare
to meet your doom!

[Gulp] Oh, yeah.

She's definitely
going through a phase.

Ha! I have the armor of a beetle
and the webbing of a spider.

Pardon me, little
girl whom I don't know,

just what are you doing?

Act evil. Make it
good for the camera.

Ha ha ha!

O.k., darkwing,

you're goin' to the
big beehive in the sky.

Boys, take 'em to the beeswax!

At least gos looks
cute in her grub costume.

Merriweather, can you
slip through those cuffs?

Yeah, a free c*ck
would be a major advantage.

Smile for the camera,

this is your final
special report.

After a dip in this
boiling beeswax,

you're gonna be nothing
but an unusually ugly candle!

In case you get any
ideas of escaping,

I've still got my wasp's sting.

Now I recognize you!
You're Bianca beakley!

Good call, Hawkeye, but you
won't live to break this story.

Lower 'em in!

Gos... little girl
I've never met!

If you're angling for
a bigger allowance,

this isn't the way!

When's his chance to escape?

Uh, at the last second.
It's more impressive.

What did I do to
gosalyn to deserve this?

You grounded her until
her senior year of college.

You made her eat beets,
though she hates 'em.

Then another
time... I get the idea!

They're close. It's time
to let darkwing win.

Trust me. I'm your idol, right?

I know what's best.

Yeah.

But just in case.

Yeow!

Gimme back my stinger,

you ungrateful brat!

I never realized that waxy
buildup could be serious!

These manacles have
expanded slightly from the heat.

I've got to use the secrets

of ancient carpathian
bone dislocation.

I'd forgotten how painful ancient
carpathian bone dislocation was!

But... it's... working!

I'll get you guys out of this!

Ooh!

Oof!

Another last-second escape!

Impressive.

I knew you wouldn't
really betray me.

It's the first rule of
investigative reporting.

Make 'em think
you're on their side,

then whammo!

[Grunting]

I gotta cut out these
six-burger lunches.

You don't look good either.

[Burp]

Aah!

I gotta get this on tape.

Didn't reckon on my Sonic
cricket's chirp blaster, eh?

I'll be back to get you after
I get darkwing! Traitor.

All right, darkwing!

I oughta get a gold medal.

D.w., look out behind you!

Whoa!

Thanks, but I knew
he was behind me.

You can't catch me by surprise!

O.k., maybe once
in a while you can.

Ha ha ha!

You poor little larva!

If I can't boil you in beeswax,

I'll cocoon you in cobwebs.

Nifty.

Anyway, we'll be a shoo-in
for wacky home videos.

You've bugged me for
the last time, darkwing!

Prepare to find
out how a fly feels!

Must... pull... arm... free!

Now, my trusty
buzzsaw cuff links.

Suck webs, evildoer!

Ohh!

Oof!

Get me out of this web,

or you'll never work
in this town again.

Caught in her own web of deceit!

Nice going, d.W.

Nice move, dad!

Uh, darkwing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

darkwing duck is
more than a match

for any filthy little insect!

D.w.!

Oh. Sorry, merriweather.

I meant some other
filthy little insect.

That was darkwing duck's defeat

of the notorious bug master,

a.k.a. Former newscaster
Bianca beakley.

This video was provided
by gosalyn Mallard

of the St. canard
elementary press.

Yes! My first big scoop!

Way to go, gosaroonie!

Yep. Good job, gos.

Too bad your idol was an
egomaniac after cheap publicity.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I was talking about
Bianca beakley!

Well, uh, remember,

you were my idol
way before she was.

That's my girl.

Of course I was.

I'm still not raising
your allowance.

It was worth a shot.