02x23 - Fear of Floating

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[sign creaking]

All right, young lady,
I'm giving you one last chance.

Now we know you have a division
of tanks in Belgium.

I want to know where.

I think you've got about all
the strategic information

you're going to
get for one day.

Maybe we could make a deal?

Okay, fine.

Good. You give me the position
of your tanks,

and I'll withdraw from Antwerp.

The tank coordinates are
38 degrees north,

and... 26 degrees west.

Good... that's very good!

It's the old sneak play
through the Ardennes-- hah!

You know, there's a mountain
out there with snow on it.

What do you say
we call it a day?

We hop in the car,
we go up there...

We are on duty, Corporal.

Besides, if we don't land
a live one soon,

we're never going to get
promoted out of here.

But nobody has been through
that door in three weeks.

If I have to sit here one more
day, I don't think I can...

Army regulations enable
a soldier under stress

to function without
having to think.

Besides, we're both very close

to losing it, Corporal.

That's why we've got
to play it by the book.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Master Sergeant.

And if we do get out of this
dust bowl alive,

I'm going to see to it that you
get a ribbon for hazardous duty.

[knocking on door]

A recruit?

Police the area.

Get rid of that game!

Uh, say, do you mind
if I stay a while?

No, not at all.

Take a seat, son.

We'll have a nice
little talk about

all of our
various programs.

Programs?

CORPORAL: Sure. There's
the buddy program

in which you and a buddy
can enlist together.

Then there's the
officers program.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

You think I want to join
the army?

SERGEANT: If you didn't
come in here to sign up,

what are you
doing here?

I need help.

Sanctuary.

Sanctuary?

Yeah, my life is in danger.

You are the only law for miles.

Now, come on,
you gotta help me.

Boy...

I don't know if I want to
protect your type

at all.

Okay, okay, look...

I'm gonna level with you.

I guess you can
handle the truth.

I'm being hunted
like a runaway sl*ve.

You see, I escaped
from a circus last Saturday.

You escaped from the circus?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The circus people--

actually they wanted to make me
the main attraction.

Arnold Barker, that's me--
the Human Balloon.

Anyway, I... they're gonna...

Armed slavers are
gonna take me away

unless you give
me the protection

of the United States Army.

That's fascinating, young man.

But I'm only authorized
to protect recruits.

I think you better hit the road.

Wow, uh, couldn't we help,
Master Sergeant?

Corporal, regulations
are regulations.

Okay.

Okay, you guys want recruits,
I'll give you a recruit

that's going to knock
your stripes off.

Oh? Oh?
What's so special about you?

I'm not special, soldier,
I'm positively unique.

Oh...

I don't like this.

In fact [nervous laugh]...
I hate it.

[gasping anxiously]

[gasps]

Aah...!

See?

Wow!

A floater.

Oh, floating into the fan!

I've got you, I've got you,
I've got you.

It's all right.

Oh, oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Get me the Pentagon.

They want him.

They want him so bad,

there may be a promotion
in it-- for both of us,

if we can bring him in.

That's the most
exciting news.

Did you tell them
there's a k*ller after me?

Arnold, this
is going to hurt.

Young man, the Pentagon
has informed me

that a man with
your rare talent

may be of strategic
importance

to the United States
armed forces.

Arnold, you may give us an edge
over those prima donnas

at the Air Force.

Now, I've been advised
to escort you safely

to the nearest
secure army base.

Oh, but first,

I got to go find
those documents

that you gotta sign
for Uncle Sam.

Tell me about the
circus people, Arnold.

[chuckling]:
Oh, it was unbelievable.

They wanted to turn me
into a sideshow freak

so a bunch of dumb farmhands
could gawk at me

and chomp popcorn.

Oh.

The freak attraction
of the center ring.

A couple of clowns
are going to carry me out

in a big stupid box, right?

And then, all of a sudden--

[pops lips]

...the lid pops open,

and up and up and up
and up I float,

all the way
to the big top.

Wow, that part
sounds exciting.

Well, if you don't
mind nosebleeds.

What's it like to fly, Arnold?

I don't know.

See, I don't fly, I float.

There's a big difference.

See, you don't
have any control

when you're floating.

There's no power,
you can't steer.

You're at the mercy
of the slightest breeze,

just like a cloud.

And the higher you get,
the more the air thins out.

Cold, really,
really cold.

Oh, boy, one time,
I mean, I lost it.

I thought I was
a goner.

I flipped out, I started
screaming and screaming.

No one hears you up there.

You're all alone.

I suppose it's sort
of like drowning.

Drowning in thin air.

Well, how did it start?

I mean, I mean, were you
just born that way?

Oh, no, no...

It started four months ago--
five months ago.

Five months? What happened
five months ago?

Nothing.

Nothing really. Really...

What am I supposed
to call you anyway?

Ma'am, Miss,

Ms., sir?

Marcia Smith.

Corporal Marcia Smith.

Well,
Miss Corporal Marcia Smith,

I'm beginning to think that
floating for Uncle Sam

might not be so bad after all.

If I ever get out
of here alive.

I want you to know, Arnold,

I've been in the army
almost a year now,

and you are the most interesting
development

in my career so far.

Oh... sweet Marcia.

SERGEANT:
Time to sign up, son.

What's all this?

Your induction agreement.

Strictly S.O.P.

Oh, oh... oh, okay, great.

[clears throat]
Well, I'll, uh...

give my lawyer a call,
have him check this all over

as soon as we get
to the army base.

SERGEANT:
No...

No, son, that's
not the way it works.

You sign, or walk.

Oh, come on, there's a madman
after my skin out there.

That's not my concern.

All civilians are
a little crazy.

But he could get k*lled.

Over my dead body, Corporal.

I am perfectly willing
to turn this little cabin

into a stockade,

just as soon as you agree
to take your floating act

on the road for
Uncle Sam.

[groans]

[sighs]

MARCIA: You're going to be
a good soldier, Arnold.

I can tell.

How about you, Corporal
Marcia Smith?

Are you a good soldier?

Well, I guess you'll have to ask
the Master Sergeant about that.

[car tires squealing]

Did you hear something?

Oh, they're coming,
Master Sergeant sir.

Corporal, get me my bullhorn.

Car approaching.

It's them;
it's the K*llers.

One Caucasian male.

Over six feet.

Overweight.

Hugo the Fat Man.

One young white female.

Olga the k*ller Dwarf Lady.

HUGO:
I know you're in
there, Arnold Barker.

Come on out
and face the music.

I do and I am a dead man.

Stand back, you two.

Let me handle this.

[unamplified]:
Attention, ci--

[amplified]:
Attention, civilians.

You are threatening the
life of a soldier

in the United States Army.

Return to your automobile
immediately and...

Get down!

[g*nsh*t]

Arnold, are you all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Master Sergeant?

[dog barking outside]

Buzz!

Stop them.

You just got
to stop them.

Get back there
and calm New Kid down.

Yes, sir.
Good.

Arnold.

They're moving in.

SERGEANT:
Fat man's got a shotgun.

sh**t him.

sh**t to k*ll.

I can't.

They're carrying a white flag.

Besides, there's a woman.

She's no woman.
She's the deadliest one of all.

We can't just
let them come in, can we?

Don't worry, Corporal.

The moment they come
through that door,

I'll have the drop on them.

No. No.
These people are fanatics.

They'll k*ll us all.

What is she, pregnant?

No, fat.

A fat k*ller dwarf.

I don't care if she is
Tokyo Rose with a hand grenade,

I will not fire
on a flag truce.

[footsteps approaching]

Arnold.

I still love you.

But Daddy
sure is gonna k*ll you.

Long time no see, Arnold.

I'll take that weapon, sir.

You are in violation
of army regulations, sir.

Do you know who this man is?

He's a recruit in the
United States Army.

Uncle Sam protects its own.

What does the army want
with him?

That's classified
information, sir.

Barker has a talent of
great strategic importance.

What can he do?
Lie the enemy to death?

Master Sergeant, sir, this guy
is the slickest con man

in the state of Arizona.
Why, you...

Will you stop, please?

I have a sick mother-to-be here.

COOPER:
Oh, baby.

Let's get her
in the chair.

Come on, baby... you'll
be all right; Daddy's here.

Everything will be
all right.

COOPER:
I got no quarrel

with the
United States Government.

But I got a job
that needs doing.

What is your trouble, sir?

ARNOLD: Uh, it's really
kind of complicated,

Master Sergeant, sir.
You see, um...

It all started
about six months ago,

uh, at the circus.

I was propositioned
by this female trapeze artist,

Good-Time Rita.
Circus?
What's he prattling about?

Good-Time Rita?

Master Sergeant, sir.

This woman is a professional.

I think you know
what I mean.

MARCIA:
I think she's
coming around.

Hello, Arnold.

Hiya, Rita.

Little lady, what's your name?

My name is Betty-Ann Cooper.

And this is my Pa.

And so far, he hasn't
k*lled anybody, right, Pa?

COOPER:
Not yet.

She says her name
is Betty-Ann Cooper.

Alias Good Time Rita.

Master sergeant, now,
this is not the first time

that I've been hustled
by these snakes.

Now, you can see
they're obviously accomplices.

BETTY-ANN:
Arnold?

Didn't you tell them
you were a pharmacist?

What?!

Arnold tells
the most wonderful stories.

We never even went to the movies
or watched TV or anything.

He'd just take me on his lap
and talk and talk.

You really feel like you can see
the things he's describing.

COOPER:
He filled her head
full of stories,

and then he
took advantage of her.

We had a man to man talk.

He said he'd do the right thing.

But he left her at the altar,
three days ago.

COOPER:
I've been after him
ever since.

Arnold, is this true?

You were lying
about the circus?

The chains?

Everything?

Oh, brother.

You expected me to g*n
down innocent people

just so you could
weasel out of this?

Well, he wanted
to k*ll me first.

He still does.

That's right, Arnold.

So right.

Back away, soldier.
I got no fight with you.

Mister, how many times
do I have to tell you?

This man is government property
and a strategic asset.

He's a liar, mister.

I don't know what he told you
to get called strategic,

but you can damn well
bet it was a lie.

Now, back away.

Pa!

Quiet, Betty-Ann.

You promised you'd give him
one more chance.

Please, Daddy.
He's all I got.

Not if he's still lying.

I can't let him live, darlin'.

MARCIA:
But he real...

He really is important
to your daughter, sir.

Not to mention
national security.

National security?

Zip your lip, Corporal.

That is classified information.

No-- what if we
could prove to you

that Arnold really is
vital to the country?

What is he, your spy?

No.

He's a floater.

What the hell is a floater?

Somebody lighter
than air.

Say your prayers, Arnold.

Arnold really is
a floater, Daddy.

I told him he'd have
to marry me and he just laughed

and floated right up
to the ceiling like a balloon.

Why ain't he floating now?

MARCIA:
Oh, he's got his

lead shoes on.
But he could show you

that he can float.

Can't you, Arnold?

[Arnold moans nervously]

Oh, Arnold.

COOPER:
Well, I'll be.

Do you understand now
why we need him, Cooper?

I guess.
But I'm still gonna k*ll him.

BETTY-ANN:
Pa!

I'm gonna k*ll him if he don't
do right by my daughter.

I don't think so, Mr. Cooper.
I got you covered.

This is it, Arnold.

Nobody can help you now.

It's up to you
to save yourself.

MARCIA: At least for
Betty-Ann's sake.

Oh, Betty-Ann.

Now, come on... I want you
to be a good girl now

and tell your daddy
that you don't want me.

Come on, I'll make it
up to you, Betty-Ann.

Somehow, someday,
I swear

I'll make it up to you.
I swear I w--

[laughing]:
I'll marry her. I'll marry her.

MARCIA:
Arnold...

Say it again.

Only this time,
you better mean it.

[whispering]:
Betty-Ann.

I've been a low-down,
good-for-nothing snake

my whole life; I don't know
any other way to be.

Betty-Ann, please
don't cry. Please.

[crying]

All right.
I'll marry you.

I promise, I'll marry you.
I'll take care of you.

I'll take care of the baby.

Hey, I'll be a great daddy.

Please don't cry, Betty-Ann.

I love you.

Of course I love you.

I love you
till death do us part.

[grunting]

Arnold, you meant it.

Ooh.

I think we better
get her to a hospital.

I got my weight back.

SERGEANT: Hell of a loss
for the country.

COOPER: Sergeant, I'm going
to need a hand here.

SERGEANT:
That's "Master Sergeant."

I got my weight back.

Ooh! Wow.

COOPER:
I'll be coming back
for you, Barker.

[laughing]

I got my weight back.

[laughing gleefully]

To have witnessed a change
of character like that...

Oh.

You are happy now,
aren't you, Arnold?

Oh, Marcia, I've never
been happier in my life.

Oh, well, Betty-Ann's happy,
her dad's happy, and...

Well, you never, you never
wanted to be a floater
anyway, did you?

[laughing]:
No.

Now you're on the ground

and you are a member
of the armed forces.

And I'm finally alone with you
and that makes me very happy.

Uh... alone with me?

Uh-huh.
Uh...

No, but you love Betty-Ann.
You-You want to marry Betty-Ann.

Words, Marcia, words.

You, uh... no, no,
you had to mean them, Arnold.

Otherwise, you'd still
be up there floating or dead.

I can mean anything when
there's a g*n at my head.

Right now I mean to get
acquainted with you.

[sultry laughter]
Be... Be careful, Arnold.

Why, you gonna slap me?

The only reason you
stopped floating

was because you changed.
If you change back...

You've got
such a beautiful mouth.

Ah!

Oh...

Hey, baby. Relax.

Look, I know you want me
just as much as I...

Whoa. Ma-Marcia.

Mm--

Marcia. Marcia. M-Marcia!

M-Ma--

You can float straight to hell,
Arnold Barker.

Marcia?

Marcia!

M-Ma...

[laughing]

Whoa.
Good show, soldier.

Welcome back.

BARKER:
Aah! The fan!

[cracking, crunching]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.