02x01 - The Impressionist

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[applause]

[laughter]

Say... say, Ollie...

[laughter]

...what does this remind you of?

Oliver Hardy.

[murmuring]

[laughter, applause]

I haven't the faintest idea.

What on earth could that
possibly remind me of?

[inaudible whisper]

[as Laurel]:
Reminds me of Thursday.

[laughter]

How could that remind you
of Thursday?

[as Laurel]:
It's simple.

There's Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday...

Thursday.

[laughter, applause]

Gee...

you... you know,
when I was a kid,

I used to practice the violin

while the other kids
practiced playing football.

But it really paid off,
because today,

I can kick a violin
further than anybody.

[laughter, applause]

Hey, uh, pay no attention
to the man behind the curtain.

Yes. [chuckles]

I'm not a bad man;
I'm just a very bad wizard.

[chuckles] Uh...

Tin Man, hey, uh,
you want a heart?

You don't know how lucky you are
not to have one.

Hearts will never
become practical

until they're made
unbreakable.

Yes, and remember, Tin Man,

it isn't how
much, uh...

you love, but how much
you are loved by others.

And I certainly love you,
each and every one of you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Good night.

[applause]

Just don't tell me
how to work my act.

I got to say
what I got to say.

When I see boring,
I say it.

The act's boring.

Boring?

Between the TV, the record
and the Vegas dates,

I've earned more with that act
than you could pull

out of this toilet
in ten years.

That's how old the act is:
ten years.

It's the same routine.

Do you know why?

Perfection.

That's what
that act is.

Absolute perfection.

Every vocal nuance.

Every move, every gesture.

Hey, that's why this audience

keeps coming back
to see me time and time again.

They recognize that.

They appreciate me.

Spiffy,

you're the best in the business.

That's not the point.

The people want
to see you do new stuff.

Just don't tell me
how to work my act.

Tell me something.

You enjoy reading
yesterday's newspaper?

You think they do?

Okay.

I was a little off tonight.

But you know why?

Did you notice that guy
in the aloha shirt,

the guy trying to blend in
with the tourists?

[sucking loudly]

He had eyes
like ice cubes.

Telling you,
he made my thumbs itch.

What are you
talking about?

When I get nervous,
my... my thumbs itch.

Just freshen up
the act, okay?

Okay, tell you what.

I will if you
freshen up the salary.

You know, you're right.

That guy was no tourist,
that's for sure.

Hey, Pudgy.

Hey, you know I'm worth it.

The money isn't there, Spiffy.

What can I do?

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can take this club...
you can take

this club
of yours and...

What do you want?
[door slamming]

No one's allowed back here.

Mr. Remo... Uncle wants you.

What for?

Uh...

aren't I a little too old
to be digging foxholes?

We have something special
in mind for you.

Top secret.

I'm sorry, I, uh,
don't do Reagan.

Are you coming, Mr. Remo?

Where?

You'll like it.

Quiet.

Plenty of time
to unwind.

[chuckles]

What do you think
this is, the movies?

Next thing you know,

you'll be telling me
you want to blindfold me.

Or put me in the trunk
of your car.

Not the trunk.

The backseat
lying down.

Well, better there
than in Philadelphia.

W.C. Fields.

It was his epitaph
on his tombstone.

You'll be
paid, Mr. Remo.

Oh, yeah? How much?

We'll take good
care of you.

You have to
leave right now,

and you don't say
good-bye to anybody.

I suppose, uh,
I don't have a choice?

Not really.

Your blindfold or mine?

Mine.

[other-worldly screaming]

What's that?

This way.

[eerie groaning]

[rhythmic, mechanical whirring]

Mr. Remo, I'm Dr. Coe.

You're aware the document
you signed commits you

to, uh, secrecy?

Oh, yeah.

That's very good.

Thank you for coming.
We desperately need you here.

Oh, yeah? What is this,
a lab for jokes?

My, uh, rabbit died?

[laughs]

Please, sit here.

Well, what I'm going to tell you

shouldn't come to that much
of a surprise really,

considering how much
we know today.

But two months ago,
a spaceship landed.

After days of decoding
signals and messages,

we finally made
communication.

[switch clicks]

And he came out.

Now, in deciphering
certain signals from him,

we learned he possesses
certain scientific knowledge

far superior
than our own.

We call him Hoffgosh.

Hoffgosh?

However,

for all of his superiority,

he's still very childlike
in his behavior.

We learned that
by imitating his gestures,

he felt most comfortable,
and would allow us to converse.

Now, the headset

here is attached to a
linguistics computer.

Now, these sounds have been
encoded on this compact disc.

No. Wrong.

That's very observant.

[sighs]

As you can see,

Hoffgosh
has become

frustrated, moody
and very uncooperative with me.

And that's why we called you,

Mr. Remo.

We've seen
your tapes.

Your impersonations
are-are perfect.

Almost uncanny.

Every nuance,
detail.

We feel
that through

your talent,
you can make him communicate.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me

you want me
to tangle with that thing?

Mr. Remo, you'll be protected.

Just like you were protected?

Oh, no, no, no.

Despite what, uh,
you-you see here,

no, Hoffgosh is basically
friendly to us.

Friends like that--
who needs the mafia?

Mr. Remo,

have you ever heard
of fusion power?

What's that?

It's a form of nuclear energy

that's still a mystery to us.

Nobody has ever figured
how to make it work.

His ship
runs on it.

And now Hoffgosh can
just hand us the answers.

Well, I got an answer, too.

No.

We spent years searching
for a way to make fusion work.

And now, he can just
hand it to us.

Fusion will affect
the economic vitality

of our country,
our trade balance,

and even the future
of the world economy.

Mr. Remo,

we don't have much time.

Hoffgosh is not adapting
to our environment.

He must go back.

Please, help us.

Let him have
a safe trip,

and tell Uncle I pass.

Oh, uh...

I'm leaving.

Doctor, I want to
be alone with him.

Mr. Remo...

Doctor!

What are you gonna do,
break my legs?

k*ll me 'cause
I know too much?

No.

When you were in the army,

certain charges were brought
against you.

[sighs]
These were dropped.

Where'd you get these?

The case could
be reopened.

New evidence can
be uncovered.

Where'd you get these?!

Mr. Remo, you could
spend years in jail.

Or you could spend some time
with our friend in here,

behind the one-way mirror.

Now then, Mr. Remo,
are you ready?

Just put this device on
which will enable you

to hear him in English,

and he will hear you
in Hoffgoshen.

Fine.

Just remember to speak
slowly to him.

Hey, listen,

after three weeks
of watching those tapes,

I could almost speak Hoffgoshen.

Okay, the body language
is vital.

Don't worry about
the body language.

You're talking
to Spiffy Remo, right?

Well, then, let's see
your act, Mr. Remo.

Well, showtime.

Let's go.

Any predictions, Doctor?

He might do it.

[nervous growl]

[hissing]

[growling nervously]

Don't be afraid.

[growling]

Don't be afraid.

I've come to help you.

[growling curiously ]

So far so good.

[sustained hissing]

[shrieks]
[gasps]

[yelling]

[device beeping]

[Hoffgosh shrieking]

[beeping continues]

You all right?
Yeah.

All right, sit down.

[sighing]

What happened to you in there?

You were doing so well.

You lost your concentration,
you stood up straight.

I know what I did wrong.

Give me some time.

I'll get him down.

I'll get him down.

Why can't we communicate
anymore?

Please.
[groaning]

Please, say something to me.

[groaning]

SCIENTIST:
It's just not working.

Not working?

You're wasting our time,
I'm taking you back.

Taking me back?

I'm that close!

You've been saying
that for too long.

Are you serious?

What do you think, that's
Peter Lorre in there

or Jimmy Stewart?

That thing's articulating sounds

that have never been heard
on this planet before.

Gentlemen, I'm getting
close to it.

It's beginning to trust me.

You can't fool that thing!

You're out, Mr. Remo.

Out?!

Hey, nobody cancels
Spiffy Remo. Nobody!

When you go in there
with him, you just

seem to lose
something, sir.

Lose something?

I can get it down,
gentlemen, believe me.

I'm that close
to getting it down.

I can! Give me that.

Wait.
No waiting!

[hissing]

What's he doing?

[speaking Hoffgoshen]

[both speaking Hoffgoshen]

Yes, this is it!

[applauding]

[mechanical whirring]

[chuckling]:
Oh!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

Do you hear that?

Do you hear that?!

They love you!

I don't know where you've
been the last few months

but the audience
still loves you.

Why the sourpuss?

I don't know.

I just lost something.

The act doesn't work
for me anymore.

I knew it, I knew it.

[sighing]:
Okay, give me
a couple of weeks.

I'll see what I can do
about a raise.

You don't understand,
do you, Pudgy?

The sad thing is,
you probably never will.

Good night.

[car horn honking]

DRIVER:
Hey, what are you doing?!

[tires screeching]

[high-pitched whirring]

[engines roaring]

[roaring grows louder]

[loud roaring]

[whooshing]

[high-pitched mechanical
humming]

[humming stops]

[Hoffgosh greeting
in Hoffgoshen]

[speaking cheerfully]

[speaking gently
and amicably]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time,

try to enjoy the daylight.