01x18 - Hercules and the Comedy of Arrows

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who put the
"glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Oh, look. A flower...

Nature's cheerful
little reminder that...

I despise spring!

Pain, did you take
the body image quiz?

Uh-huh. I'm a pear shape.

Every year, it's the same.

Temperatures go up,
and my numbers go down.

Would you wear that?

Well, not after
titan smitin' day.

Aah!

Here's how it works.

I talk, you listen.

Got it?

Uh-huh.

Good. Now, I just
want to know why

every spring, this
place is... well, dead.

Ooh! Ooh! I know this one.

Page 26... "Spring
love means long lives."

Love? Blecch!

It says right here,

"Studies show people in lasting
relationships live long... er."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

Love is bad for business.

So... So... So...

Let's make it our
business to be bad for love.

Yeah!

Let's... Do the evil
thing you're thinking.

Could we, like, have a hint?

Augh! Minions.

Oh! Malampis?

Ew!

What could the love of my life

possibly like about Malampis?

Oh, Malampis.

I like everything about you.

And I, you, my
vivacious visionary,

my lunchtime liaison,

my cutesie-wootsie
Cassandra-wandra.

Oh, Mal, stop!

Ew! That's disgusting!

Oh, I'm sure she's just
being nice, you know?

I mean, there's no
reason to be jealous.

Me? Jealous of Malampis?

Look at him... A
cloud cuckoo case.

I'm not jealous of... Ahh!

Maybe she was just batting
a fly away from... his hand.

And his lips... with her lips.

How much t*rture must I endure?

Icarus, wait.

Hey, hey, hey, now!

Cassandra, baby,

I saw that "save me"
glance you gave me and...

Get lost.

You heard the lady.

- Her every word...
- Huh?

Every sigh,

every sneeze
means "Hello, love!"

All right, all right.
Intervention time.

How can you stand this guy?

Ew! Look at him!

The cheesy declarations of love,

the pathetic adoration,
the bad hairdo.

Malampis is unique, funny,
and totally devoted to me.

You mean a wimp who will
do anything you say if you...

Icarus, could you go stand
over there for the rest of lunch?

Of course, my sweet.

Is over here good? Or here?

Or here? How about here?

Perfect. Thanks.

Oh, that went well.

You just watch.

By the end of the day,

Cassandra will be
dancing the Icarena

on Malampis's
broken heart, baby.

Uh, Icarus... if
Cassandra likes the guy,

there's nothing
you can do about it.

You can't control love.

Maybe not, but we
all know who can.

Welcome, and good
morning, cherubs.

Good morning, Cupid.

OK, I'll make this quick,

because I know everyone
is eager to get out there

and spread some... Love.

Oh, yes! Spring has sprung,

and the big "L" is in the air.

Now, you trainees have
a tough job ahead of you.

We're not just dishin'
heart a la carte here, we...

Hey, hey there, fella.

Aren't you a little
tall for a cherub?

Uh, no, I'm not too tall.

I'm just vertically advantaged.

Whoa! Take it easy!

Love doesn't discriminate,
and neither do we.

Ow!

Easy, panic! I got a stuck wing.

Ow!

Shh! You want us to get busted?

Now, suck in that pear shape.

Ow!

Um, Cu?

Ahem! I expect my
cherubs to be three things...

Punctual, prompt, and on time.

Get it?

Good.

All right.

Who's ready to rock and
roll on the love patrol?

So, let's get down to business.

Yeah! Cuckoo love!

Ow!

Now, last year's
numbers were good,

but we can make this year great.

We're looking for
solid love action...

Puppy love, endless
love, tough love...

The whole
shebang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

You will be working with
our new and improved,

super high-test love arrows.

Hello!

To handle the
power of love properly

is a tall order...
No offense, Stretch.

Rule number one...

Get amore for your money.

Look for couples who already
show the telltale signs of love.

These would be
hand-holding, pet names,

and wasting two months'
salary on a sparkly rock.

Once you spot a potential love,

your mission is
to seal the deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. That's nice and all, but, uh,

when do we get to
sh**t these babies?

Everyone, what is love?

Passion.

That's right.

And now, follow me
to the production floor.

Remember, here
at the love factory,

quality control is job one.

I've really got a knack
for this love thing.

I'm in the wrong business.

Ow! I'm telling!

Pain, we are not cherubs.

We are Hades'
right-hand... thingies.

We are here to
infiltrate and undermine,

and if we don't, we're toast.

You hear me? Toast!

To love! Cheers!

Salud! L'chaim!

Heh! Ha ha! Very funny.

Snap out of it!

♪ I'm making an
arrow for my love ♪

♪ And then I'll sh**t
her from above ♪

♪ She will know how great I am ♪

♪ How dare she
love another man? ♪

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! Ah!

Nobody move.

Someone's not in
their happy place.

We've been through this.

If you don't make these things
with perfectly loving intentions,

they will come out arrow-neous.

Get it? Arrow? Arrow-neous?

Oh, I love this job.

Focus, cherubs.

Someone here has made the
most dangerous kind of arrows...

The opposite of love arrows,

A.k.a. "loathe" arrows.

Aah!

♪ She will dump
the jerk Malampis ♪

♪ Throw his body
'cross the campus ♪

Huh? What?

Just do what I say,
and no one gets hurt.

Drop the loathe arrow and step
away from the assembly line.

Loathe arrow?

Back to work, people.

Nothing to see here.

OK, now. Listen, big guy.

You're saying that if I nail
someone with one of these,

they'll hate the
person they're with?

"Hate" is such an ugly word.

Just give me the arrows.

We gotta dump these bad boys.

Sure. Here you go.

Every last one of 'em.

Yep. Yes, sir.

Here you go.

Son, perhaps you'd
be better suited

for another line of work.

OK.

Sorry, kid, but we
gotta let you go.

It has absolutely nothing
to do with your height.

And we'll be asking
you to sign an affidavit

acknowledging
this on the way out.

Good work, boys.

Now, off to the
decontamination chamber.

Hello, my loathlies.

What?

I send you to sabotage
Cupid's operation,

and you come back here
with a few lousy arrows?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

But, sir, they're, uh...

They're not love arrows! Ow!

They're... Let go! Ow!

Loathe... Ow! Arrows.

You mean these
babies make love vanish,

disappear... Just boom,
bada-bing, go bye-bye?

I like!

Quit teasin' the dog, boys.

We got work to do.

Can you feel the loathe tonight?

Herodotus, put your
stripes on standby,

because this
relationship is history.

Uh, what are you doin'?

Be right with you, buddy.

Man, I had her.

Oh, wait. I know
what's going on here.

You think that if you hit
Cassandra with some arrow,

- she'll love you forever, but...
- Wrong!

Uhh! If Cassandra likes
you because of some arrow,

it isn't real.

You'll never know her
true feelings for you.

You're right!

I've been such a fool!

I don't deserve the
love of Cassandra.

Go on! Make me hate her!

Put me out of my misery!

I'm not asking, I'm tellin'.

Are you done?

Yeah!

Good thing there aren't
more of these on the loose.

Whoa! What was that all about?

Ow!

Heh! Whoo!

Ahh! This is fun!

Move it, grandma!

Have you ever seen
anything more beautiful?

Everyone hates everyone.

I love you. Uh-buh-buh-buh.

No! I love you!

All right, listen up. I have a
very important announcement...

Unlike the usual drivel.

I have just received word...
Actually a few words...

That school is closed
until further notice...

Which is not nearly long
enough, if you ask me...

So that you can
all go... to w*r.

Thought that might
change your tune.

Uh, Mr. Parentheses, sir?

Who exactly is at w*r?

Apparently... Uh... everyone,

So chin up and good
luck out there with the w*r.

You're gonna need it.

How did this happen?

Cassandra, you didn't have
any of your visions, did you?

Ever since I've
been with Malampis,

I haven't seen anything
except his rippling biceps.

Do it again.

Aw, they're so sweet.

It's like I said
from the beginning,

if you love someone,
set them free.

She's mine, you hear me!

Pain and Panic!

Oh, I should've guessed
Hades was behind this.

He must have cast
a diabolical spell

or poisoned our drinking water

or created an
alternate hate universe.

Hmm. Yeah. Or he got a
hold of the other loathe arrows.

There were more?

Oh, I was a very
productive cherub.

Where are my cherubs?

Where are my cherubs?

Oh, no! Help me! Help me!

Cherubs, babes, huh?

Stick around.

Ha! Too cute! Gotta love it.

Um... Cupid, sir?

Have you seen my cherubs?

Hey, little guy. Remember me?

Stretch? You're not exactly
the one I was looking for.

Um, remember the loathe arrows?

You mean the ones that you made?

Let's not point fingers.

The important thing is

that they're sort of, oh, say...

out on the street.

What? Oh, no!

Icarus, tell him the rest.

Hercules, the man is in pain.

Uhh!

OK. It gets worse.

How much worse?

Does the name
"Hades" ring a bell?

Doh! I can't believe
we ever hired you

in the first place.

I knew those boys at Cherub
Resources were worthless.

Cupid, we're here to help.

Yeah! Look, I may have
lied about being a cherub.

What?

Wait, wait. There's more.

I may have created
those loathe arrows.

I may have ruined
love as we know it.

Yeah, and?

Kind of curious where
this is going myself.

Well, I'm ready to make
amends for my mistakes.

Load me up with
love arrows, baby!

We're putting passion
back in fashion!

Yes, sir!

Hey! I had the right of way!

Aw! Says you!

Where'd you learn to drive?

OK. Our mission
is to undo this mess.

Remember, "evil" is just
"love" spelled backwards.

Well, almost, if
you sound it out

and you trade
the "O" for an "I."

Hey, I'm a lover, not a speller.

Split up!

We missed! We almost had
Cupid and Hercules, and we missed!

What do we do? What do we do?

Uh... let's get the
overgrown cherub.

Unh! Aah!

Whoa, Herc! Thank you!

You're a... Ooh!
Wrong way! Wrong way!

'Bout time you got
here. Now, sh**t!

It's no use. We need
the rest of the cherubs.

Where are they?

I think I have an idea.

Enough with the cooing already.

Can't you guys get a new bit?

Hades, I order you to stop!

In the name of love.

Oh. Catchy. Let me try it.

Stop! In the name of lava.

Hades, Hades, Hades.

Everyone knows that
you can't control love.

It's like... Ow! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Ooh!

The jumbo cherub's right.

Stick to stiffs. Love is my job.

Hey, you know what?
Love stinks, all right?

And... Whoo phew to
you... Speaking of which,

when's the last time you
checked your diap-diap,

you know what I mean by it?

Oh, yeah? Well,
check this, Hades.

Ooh! Ooh! Almost!

Nice shot. Whoa!
Oh! That workin' out?

Go, go, go!

What, what, what, what?

I'm a God, you fools.

What, you think these
arrows are gonna affect me?

Come on. Come on.

Hey, come on, huh?

I'll get a cherub zapper,
and I'll have you all...

What little, fragile
wings you have.

They're so...

Like perfect,
little china dolls.

Hey, where are you goin'?

I need a hug.

Let's get out of here.
We got work to do.

Uh... guys. Guys?

Remember, boys.
Take no prisoners!

OK! Love is in the air, baby.

♪ Tie your diapers on tight ♪

♪ Time to take flight ♪

♪ Make your aim
true to the mark ♪

♪ High, from out of the blue ♪

♪ Cupid's love crew ♪

♪ Is taking it
straight to the heart ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ To right what's wrong ♪

♪ Just when you
least expect it ♪

♪ Love is in the air ♪

♪ Changing the world ♪

♪ Bringing us closer together ♪

♪ People everywhere ♪

♪ Are showing they care ♪

♪ All because
love is in the air ♪

♪ Look who's
spreading the news ♪

♪ No one can refuse ♪

♪ Making love blossom and grow ♪

♪ Sharing these
arrows' delights ♪

♪ Setting my sights ♪

♪ Gotta let... everyone know? ♪

Oh, man.

♪ Now young Icarus
has to choose ♪

♪ So much to gain,
so much to lose ♪

♪ His conscience is
Tied in a gnarly knot ♪

♪ Has he got the guts
♪ To take the shot? ♪

Here you go,

and this time, it's all of 'em.

♪ Love is in the air ♪

♪ Changing the world ♪

♪ Bringing us closer together ♪

♪ People everywhere ♪

♪ Are showing they care ♪

♪ All because ♪

♪ Love is in the air ♪

Glad to have you
on my team, Stretch.

You stand head and shoulders
above the other cherubs.

Hey, join up again next spring.

Ha! Thanks, but no thanks.

I am definitely,
positively, finally done

trying to control love.

Whoa! Did you see that?

OK. She smiled at me.

Cupid, arrow me, quick.

Just... Come on.
Just one little arrow,

and then I'm done
for good, I promise.

Please! Come on!
Just help me out!