01x01 - Get Away from My Mom

[bunniefuu]

Birds chirping

Small! Get in here.

Okay.

Bring it in.

Hello.

I don't know what
you're doing out there.

What are you doing out there?

I was just...

Because in my mind,
soccer's played with a ball.

I was trying to run
towards the goal.

You're not
getting points

By running through
the goal posts.

The ball has
to go through.

Brendon, I'm going to show you
something, alright.

Maybe this will give you
a little incentive.

All right.

Look at my arm
right there.

See that?

Yeah.

I got that when
I was 18 years old.

I'll tell you something.

I regret it,

Because this tattoo
don't come off.

Right.

Now I have a tattoo
of a cow's head

Because I loved
that cheese then.

I get the cow, I go in there,
and I'm a little drunk

And I say, "give me that
cow head from that cheese."

I love that cheese.

Mm—hmm.

Now I have a cow,
a cheese cow on my arm, brendon.

Don't get a tattoo,
that's what I'm telling you.

Okay.

Play soccer.

Brendon, take a look
at my chest.

I gotta go, mr. Mcguirk.

No, I'm serious,
look at that.

That's nice, mr...
I should get back on the field.

That's the woman from
the chiquita banana.

I got that tattoed
on my chest.

I am an idiot.

I got trademark products
all over my body.

It's like going to a market
because I was drunk one night.

Wow.

Don't live like me.

Right.

Alright, now you go
out there and play great.

You know what?
I'm going to crack the egg.

I'm going to crack the egg
because if you do it

You're gonna drip it all down
the side of the bowl.

I know not on purpose.

Honey, mommy can't deal
with spills.

Brendon:
mom!

Mom, guess what I got.

I finished the preview
for my movie.

I'd really like to...

Would you please look at it,
please, mom?

Yes, yes, go ahead, show me.

Okay, here goes.

What's it called?

Uh, it's called
"the dark side of the law."

Brendon:
in a world...

Turns out your old partner
has gone dirty!

Gone mad.

He's gone dirty?

He's a dirty cop!

There stands one...

People don't understand me.

I wanted to make a difference.

Cop.

Jason, we went
to the academy together.

Fighting...

You were a good cop.

Don't try to sweet talk me!

Against evil.

I set up the b*mb..

Red wire.

With 3,000 wires

Blue wire.

And...

Green wire.

If you cut the wrong wire..

Yellow wire.

The b*mb explodes.

Injustice...

Think, melissa——blue or red?

All right, here we go... Clip!

Dark side of the law.

What do you think?

That's... Huh?

You know, is it too early
to start writing the speech?

You know... Uh.

"I'd like to thank my mother"...

Yeah, don't worry,
you're in there somewhere.

"That's my mother
in the back row

With a damp cloth."

Hey, uh, bren,
can I tell you something?

It's kind of weird, I mean
it's not that big a deal.

I want to let you know that
I'm going to go out tonight.

Where you going?

I'm going to go on a date.

You're going on...

Yup.

Mom, I don't remember
that you're supposed to do that.

I thought that you...

What you do is not do that.

Women are supposed
to go on dates,

Especially newly
divorced women.

They're supposed to spring forth
and think about life and youth.

I am absolutely supposed
to go on a date.

I've been hiding my light
under your dad's bushel.

Uh, mom, that's making me...

Groans

Wait, wait,
there's one more thing.

I want to tell you
who I'm going out with.

I'm going out with,
uh, mr. Mcguirk.

Weakly:
come again?

Mr. Mcguirk.

My soccer coach?

Yes, brendon, yes.

Coughs

Moans

Wait, wait, what...

You're mom's going on a date
with mcguirk.

Yes, mcguirk the jerk.

I don't understand.

Let me tell you about women
a little bit, melissa.

Hey, guys.

Hi, dad.

Hi, eric.

Nice sandbox, pal.

I'm kidding, no, it's...

Aren't you too old
to be playing in a sandbox?

I'm not playing.

I'm sitting in a sandbox.

This is where I come
to reflect on things...

You're looking for...

I'm looking for answers
to questions.

I'm looking for solutions
to problems.

I came out here, and
I've been digging up things

And I found this.

Ew...

Oh, gross.

And I don't know whose...

I think you should
bury that again.

What's going on,
brendon?

I'm kind of
in a bad mood.

Missy, we've got
to get going.

Tell my dad,
maybe he could help.

You know how you pick us up
and coach mcguirk is there,

That big, fat,
crappy irish guy?

Well, I don't think
that's... Yeah.

I mean, that's not
the problem.

The problem is
that he's dating my mom tonight.

Going out
on a date.

Mm—hmm.

That's, see, you have
so much going on

So many things
to be happy about.

You know,
melissa tells me

About your ideas
for movies

And I've seen some of your
early work and it's wonderful.

Thank you.

What was your favorite one?

Don't put me
on the spot, please.

I'm sorry.

I just appreciate
the gesture.

Melissa, we have to be
at mr. Gluck's studio

In ten minutes.

In ten minutes?

Yeah, we have made
a commitment.

What are you guys
talking about?

We're going to play
at this recital in three weeks,

Melissa and i.

We've been practicing
this sonata.

It's a mozart
piano and violin sonata.

I didn't even know
you played violin, eric.

I told you
about the recital.

I'm constantly
learning things about you.

Well, this is only
the first thing.

Yeah, this is the first thing
I've ever learned but...

We're playing a sonata
in e—minor.

Maybe brendon
doesn't have time...

No, I want to hear this.

He's got a lot
on his mind.

Dad... Dad, put it away.

Playing poorly

Oh, yeah.

That's... That's...

I like that.

I feel strangely, like,
cheered up by your playing.

It's a new, awkward feeling
that I have to deal with.

I think.

I'm like a minstrel,
I guess.

I almost... You know what?

I'd like to go
into this date

With almost
a chip on my shoulder.

How dare he ask me out?

How dare anybody
put me through this?

Friend:
what are you wearing?

I'm wearing just...

This is my feeling.

Right now, I am at
the precipice of my life.

I'm... I'm at a turning point.

I've decided that I'm going
to go dressed

How I am dressed
because otherwise,

It's almost false advertising.

Friend:
what are you wearing?

I'm wearing big,
baggy pants

And a shirt that makes a man
want to buy me another shirt.

Yeah, yeah, I think I have
just the right attitude.

Don't you?

Brendon:
is that what
you're wearing tonight?

This is a seersucker jacket,
it's very nice.

Yeah, but do you think
it's in season?

Don't be a wise guy, all right.

You want me to be
a dumb guy, huh?

What're you
talking about brendon?

I don't know.

You don't mess with me,
all right!

I'll mess with you.

Can I get you something,
you drink?

No, I'm fine.

You like, uh, whiskey?

No, I had a couple whiskeys
before I got here.

You smell like it.

Listen to me, brendon.

I want this date with your mom
and I to go well.

Don't mess it up.

You know what?

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

Don't take
the jacket off

Because you're starting
to sweat through it

And then they see
the shirt underneath

You're going to look
like sweatman

Unless you get
the whole thing wet...

There's nothing wrong
with sweating if you're a man.

That's what happens.

Oh, my god.

Have you met my sister?

No, I haven't.

She's very cute.

Why don't you
say hi to her?

Hello.

Brendon:
you know what?

You're kind of
a lucky guy.

You come in here,
you got a family already, right?

Whose kid is this?

I don't know, yours now.

That's not the way
it's going to be.

Yeah, it's the way
it's going to be isn't it, yeah.

Brendon, I know
what you're doing.

Know how to hold a child?

Have you ever held a baby
and have it look at you

Like it really loves you
and needs you.

Brendon, I'll tell
you something.

I know what
you're trying to do.

Yeah... Oh, yeah?

I know what you're doing
and it won't work.

Can you carry me
for a second?

I'm not going
to carry you.

Get your hands off me,
brendon.

Please, come on, dad.

I'd better go.

No, come on,
let's play catch.

Tell your mom
I don't feel—...

No, seriously,
I think I love you.

I swear to god I'm going to come
down hard on you on monday.

It's going to be like
a friggin hurricane.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

I going to take you...

Hello, paula!

Hey, mom.

How are you?

We were just having
a nice conversation.

We had a really good talk.

Are you ready to go?

Of course that's not it.

I mean, it's not
the only thing

That goes into coaching,
having big legs.

I think I just ate
a whole clove of garlic.

Whew.

Well, look.

You know what it is?

I mean, I think.

Mm—hmm.

I don't want
to get into a whole conversation

About anything.

Yeah.

But I come from a family
that was split up.

Yeah.

That can be hard on a kid.

I remember having
the same feelings.

Yeah.

That's why I dropped
out of school

Which I expect
brendon might do someday.

I mean, you never know
what's going to happen

When a family
falls apart.

Brendon:
it's a prison, right.

And then...

And I'm coming
to visit you in the prison

Because I'm your mother.

You feel horrible
for what I've done.

I've done
something terrible.

How come we're
in france?

Because that's where
dramatic things take place.

Right, okay, here goes.

Guard! Guard!

Yes.

Hello, guard.

Hello.

I could use
some water and some bread

For I haven't
had any in weeks.

There's someone here
to see you.

Mother!

Son, you look so thin.

Yes, I lost a lot of weight
here at the prison.

I'm french.

Yes, here in france.

It's all my fault.

It should be me behind bars
with a french stupid guard,

Not you.

Yes, I agree, mother.

You're a horrible person.

Mrs. Small,
look at my hat.

Ew, his nose
is all runny.

Brendon:
whoa, whoa, whoah.

Okay, cut, cut.

Sorry.

What happened, jason?

It's like a gallon.

Oh, my god!

I can make it go down
and suck it all the way back in.

Snorting

Groaning

People hate me.

Mcguirk:
you know, I mean the kids

Don't want to do anything,
you know?

In my experience, paula...

Yeah?

Kids are always,
"I don't want to do that."

Yeah, yeah.

I consider it my job
to kind of twist them

In the direction
of doing stuff.

That's what coaching's
all about.

That's why I love it.

I mean, every day I go out there
and twist the kids

Into doing something
they don't want to do.

Yeah, excuse me, waiter.

Can I get another one of these
as soon as possible?

I'm not supposed
to mix it with medication

But I'm going to make
a rare exception to the rule.

Everybody gather around.

Mm—hmm.

I took the weekend
to think about everything

We did wrong on friday
and I'll tell you something.

I watched
some professional soccer

On television
sunday afternoon.

I'll tell you,
there's a major gap

Between what I saw on television
and what we are right now.

First of all,
you're all eight...

Whispering:
hey, melissa.

Shh, brendon, not now.

Mcguirk:
they were a lot older...
They were a lot better...

Brendon:
look at this right here.
What's this?

Brendon, melissa.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Listen up, right?

Yeah, what do you think we're
doing. We're talking.

Hey, brendon,
you watch your mouth.

Oh, I'm sorry
did I insult you?

Brendon!

Yeah?

I'm addressing the team.

Uh—huh.

That means you listen.

That means you, too, melissa.

Yes.

I'm looking at you two.

Hey, everybody, guess what!

Hey, brendon...

Mcguirk's going to come
after your moms!

Brendon!

That's going to happen!

Brendon, sit down.

Save your moms!

I'm not coming
after your moms—...

Brendon, you settle down,
right now.

This happened to me,
I swear to god.

All right, that's enough,
brendon.

No, no, no I'm not finished!

I'm just
getting started here!

You know I've got a question,
eric, for you maybe.

Could you possibly
beat up mr. Mcguirk?

Don't get my dad
in trouble.

You're medium build,
he's a little bit bigger

But I mean, still I think you
could get him.

I'm wiry.

I know.

Here's the thing,
brendon.

Do you have a g*n?

I don't have a g*n.

Well, we'll get you a g*n.

Okay.

Okay.

Brendon... I don't know
if this is the right time

But let's try
the duck game, melissa,

Remember we were
trying it last...

I remember,
it's a little hard.

Brendon, let me explain it to
you really quickly.

I'm going to say a phrase
to you in duck talk.

Okay.

And whoever gets it first wins
you and melissa—-

Whoever gets it first.

Okay, I'm ready.

Speaking unintelligible
duck talk

That's a hard one, dad.

I've been drinking
and I shouldn't be driving?

Okay, let me try
something simpler.

Says unintelligible word

Ragu?

No—...

Repeats word

Bradley?

No, listen very closely.

Repeats word

Laughing

I don't know if I'm allowed
to say that word.

Dad, no curse words.

No, it's not a curse word.

Spits

Oh, sorry.

Laughing

My pants are soaked.

Dad...

I think he just wants to win.

You have to watch the road.

Did that guy
just give me the finger?

You know, I don't,
I don't,

I don't like my baby—sitters
to go too far out of their way.

If there's a jar
that's impossible

For the kids to open
then they, you know,

Then somebody can help them
with it but largely,

I like them to just
take care of themselves.

Well, if you get
a baby—sitter who...

And they do a good job
and the kids like it

Then I think it makes
the mother look bad.

I don't know if this
is the most self—centered way

I can think of it,
I'm not sure...

No, are there
the same rules

With the baby—sitter
as there are

When you go on a date?

Are the baby—sitters
supposed to call you up

The next day
and say it was really great?

Yeah, yeah, no one called
after that date.

The waiter called.

Apparently I forgot my hat.

I did have a bad time, but...

No, that's it.

I did have a bad time.

It was... He's beefy.

But I think I would feel better
if he did want to, sure.

You thought dark side of the law

Was the last of the films
with that title.

You were wrong.

Coming to theaters:
dark side of the law ii.

First of all,
welcome back to the force.

Feels good to wear
the blue again.

Guess what?

What?

Now officer brendon's gone bad!

He thought he was above the law.

He was wrong.

And demand number two!

Number three. Three! Pizza!

Academy—award—nominee
brendon small

Gives his most paralyzing
performance.

I'm sorry!

Moans

Woody harrelson is electrifying.

My mom said
I can't eat a lot of cheese

Because it's binding
and then I don't go

And then she has
to put her finger...

To help it go.

Let's just...

Okay, let's stop doing this.

This film is not yet rated,
bla bla bla bla...

Uh, hello.

Brendon.

Yes, hello.

I was, uh, just trying out
a new hair gel.

I, uh, I didn't expect...

Did I call you
down here, brendon?

No, no, I found out
where your office was

So I decided to come down
and talk to you.

Yeah, they hid me
away down here.

It's a nice place, uh...

Well, I just started
redecorating it.

Is that
a sleeping bag?

Yeah, I just, uh,
I do some camping sometimes

And occasionally
I'll camp right here.

A lot of mirrors
in this place.

Well, that's feng shui.

Right, i,
the reason I came here...

Listen, before
you say anything

I honestly want
to clear the air about your mom.

No, you don't have to...

I know we had
a little difficult time

In practice
and I certainly

Don't want that
to happen again, brendon.

No, you know what let me
apologize to you, because..

No, let me apologize...

I was acting like
a grade "a" jerk out there.

Wait a minute, brendon,
before you go on.

Shut—up brendon
for one second, all right?

Let me apologize to you.

I want you to know
that everything is fine.

We can continue
to have a good relationship

On the soccer field.

I want to make sure that we have
a great season this year

Even though that's
not going to happen

Because no one can play soccer
on our team.

And I realize it's a conflict
of interest for me.

I shouldn't be dating
any of the players' moms

Except rebecca's mom.

I haven't...

She came to practice last night
but I'm not going to call her.

I thought about it,
but then I knew what happened

With your mom was wrong
and I said,

"You know what..."

Well, I did call her but I'm not
going to follow up on it.

Oh.

Because that would
be wrong.

Uh—huh.

I swear to god I think
I'm off women all together.

No.

Brendon, let me tell you

A little bit something
about women.

What's that?

Women are like...
They're like men.

But I'll tell you something.

Men are not like women.

Right.

When you grow up
you'll understand

What I'm talking about

Will you give her a call?

You know what, I honestly
don't think that...

After this whole situation
with your mom

I did some reflecting,
and I wrote a poem.

I'm not going to read you
that poem...

No, thank... Thanks.

It's a little personal.

And it has
some dirty language in it.

It's more like a limerick.

Oh... Right.

But I wish I could
read it to you

Because it makes me laugh
every time I read it.

I think it's
a very good limerick.

I, uh, yeah, I'd love
to hear it.

Well, I'll start it off.

Phone rings

Hello, small residence.
Brendon small speaking.

Coach mcguirk:
um...

Brendon:
hello?

It's, uh...
It's coach mcguirk.

How you doing?

Hey, mr. Mcguirk,
how are you?

I'm all right.

Hello?

P—paula, hi, it's jon mcguirk.

Coach, uh, coach mcguirk.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good, good.

I'm doing great.

Really?
You don't sound it.

What's that?

You don't sound great.

I've been crying,
that's all.

It's not about anything.

It's just sometimes...

I'll get up
and I'll be in...

I'll go cry.

Should I have gotten off
the phone yet, guys?

Brendon, get off the phone.

Get off the phone!

Oh, my gosh.

That boy's a genius.

He is.

So, listen, paula,
I'm calling because, you know,

We had that date and
I thought that went great.

Except for when
my credit card got declined.

I thought that was funny,
but you didn't.

So I figure
I owe you one and...

Yeah, uh... Listen,
I've got an idea.

What if you don't
owe me dinner.

There's so much
pressure on dinner.

What if we just ran
into each other?

Like, we don't plan it.

You mean like I just bump
into you randomly

Or arbitrarily, right?

Yeah.

So not a date,

But if I happen to see you
we would chat or...

Exactly.

Or if you pick up
brendon from practice

I would maybe run up
and I would...

We could get a few minutes...

That would,
that would be...

Not, not every...

I don't mean
to interrupt again but...

Brendon, get off the phone.

I'm very proud
of both of you.

You're both acting
like adults...

Paula:
I'm going to want to
talk to you in a minute.

I'm going.

He's gone.

So I think I might
see you on monday.

We got monday
practice, yeah.

At 3:00, right?

At 3:00.

Okay, then,
I'll see you there.

Or actually, you know,
I know a guy at a travel agency

Who has great deals on cruises.

I don't know if you're
into doing that

But they have
a four—day cruise...

Yeah, I think we should just
stick to the random—bumping...

Well, I mean, I'm just saying.

We could do that on monday.

I'm not saying...

Hey, you know what?

I think that's going
to be it for me...

Well, hold up.

I just had a quick thought.

There's a ranch I know out in,
like, nevada.

They do horseback classes.

They do a whole rodeo thing
and a spa.

Hello?

Uh, hey.

Brendon, hi.

Put your mom back on.

No, she's motioning like, uh...

She's taking a bath.

Really?

Yeah, how are you?

I don't know why she
so abruptly gave the phone away.

Well, I told her I wanted
to talk to you

For a little while.

So we're going
to a ranch?

Well, it isn't
really for kids.

Oh, I get you.

So what do you want
to talk about?

I got to go,
brendon.

Brendon:
you know what?

Jeremy, don't use your hands.

Jeremy!

Don't use these.

When I was a kid
I was on a soccer team

At a very experimental school.

It was non—goal—oriented.

Giggles

Dad, are
you watching me?

I can't take my eyes
off of you.

Brendon!
Come here!

What?

Get in there for jeremy.

I don't want to go.

Brendon, get in there.

I don't want to go.

Mcguirk:
jeremy—— you're out!

Brendon, you're in.

Okay, all right.

Melissa, you're in, too.

Mcguirk:
brendon, brendon!

You're out, you're out.

Brendon:
okay.

Mcguirk:
what are you doing?

Don't do that.

What, what's wrong
with that?

Just don't do that,
do something else.

Now, get back in.

Okay.

Don't go in all the way.

I won't.

Stay right near me.

Should I jog in place?

Yeah, look like you're playing.

Here it comes,
kick it!

Groans, then screams

Mcguirk:
oh, come on, ref!

Are you not going
to call that?

Groans

Come on.

The kid got creamed.

Whew!

What's a 21—year—old kid
doing on that team?

I mean, ref,
call something.

Okay, walk it off, walk it off.

I'll go get you a cane,
because you're blind.

Mcguirk:
brendon, come out here.

Oh, man, this whole sport's
out of order.

He's a tough kid,
that kid of yours.

Very tough.

Who's got
the orange slices?

Hey, paula, can i...

Forgive me if I'm overstepping
my boundaries here,

But can I sit
on your lap?

Giggles

No, brendon
was telling me

That you and the coach
went out on a date.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's certainly
none of my business,

But he seemed kind of rattled
by the whole thing.

The coach?

No, brendon.

I think of all three of us
I handled it the best.

Let's get into the game,
parents.

Get into the game.

Speaking of getting
into the game,

Ref,
get into the game!

Yeah, I apologize.

It really is
none of my business.

I hate this sport, brendon.

I mean, I hate this sport.

No, you don't.

You know, I was just thinking
that we met,

I guess for the first time
at the p.t.a. Meeting

Two years ago...

I meant to tell you by the way

There's something I meant to
tell you two years ago

At the p.t.a. Meeting.

I'm uncomfortable around you.

Laughing

Jesus, it's slipped
my mind for two years.

I've been meaning
to tell you

That we're not going
to hit it off.

Hey, am I out of my mind
or is your dad sitting

Really close to my mom?

You're out
of your mind.

Am i?

They're just talking.

They're here
to support the team.

Paula, in two weeks
on saturday morning

Melissa and I are giving
a recital and I would love it

If you and brendon
can join us.

You're giving a recital?

Well, she's playing
the piano.

I'm playing the violin.

Really?

It's in e—minor.

It goes, uh...

Plays scratchy tune

Hey, yo—yo ma.

Eric:
I'm sorry!

Dad! You said you weren't
bringing the violin!

Paula made me do it.

I'm playing soccer!

Play "free bird"!

Brendon,
don't encourage him.

Brendon:
and get away from my mom!