[Ethereal melody;
Soothing, bell-like percussion]
[Delicate violin plucking]
[Sustained, warm
violin tone joins]
[Music fades]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Ominous hum]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Ominous music]
[Heel clacks]
[Heel clacks]
[Heel clacks]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Panting]
- [Thud]
- [Gasp]
- [Thud]
- [Groans]
[Panting]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Thuds]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Thuds]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Music continues]
[Keyboard tapping]
I have a few more ques...
[Keyboard tapping]
I can't make it stop!
[Keyboard tapping]
[Click]
[Film reel whirs]
[Keyboard tapping]
I used to make things without
it all being so complicated.
I was 22.
Hold!
I'm gonna come in and get wide.
[Waves lap]
- You ready for wide, ma?
- Mhmm.
Gazing upon my mom.
Go down to Barbara's feet.
One of them.
Go!
[Film reel whirs]
A parallax fantasy.
My mom performs
her period piece.
The mime-ic embodiment
of the ovaries.
Fallopian tubes.
Uterus.
Cervix.
Ovulation.
The creation of the egg.
Its release.
Its journey.
Its weight.
Menstruation.
[Dog panting]
Stay right where you are.
And I never showed
this film to anyone.
I'm sorry, are you cold?
No, I'm just like...
I'll warm up for a second!
It's, it's, it's...
I promise it looks good.
You can't even
really see your feet.
Okay, are you ready?
Many years after this,
I received an email.
It was from a new website.
They wanted content
based on a theme.
Female trouble.
They wanted to know
if I wanted to pitch an idea.
I wrote back, "is this
a John waters thing?"
They wrote back, "no."
She created this mime-ic...
Still I had heard that
the website had a lot of money.
- [Camera thuds]
- [Murmuring]
And I thought of my
mom's period piece.
At the meeting, I was nervous.
Sweating, undulating.
Just like my mom.
The one who's a mime.
My mom is a mime.
I pitched the full performance,
this time complete
with comedic sound effects.
[Electronic beep]
[Blows raspberry]
[Laughter]
Everybody was laughing
and I was sweating,
and they even floated
the idea of someday
making a feature film together.
[Producer] are you
married to this idea?
Or are you open
to, I don't know,
maybe something more narrative?
At the end of it all,
we shook hands and
they promised to be in touch.
[Squeaking]
I went home, I waited.
I felt dirty for dragging
my moms into that building.
[Email notification]
A week later I
received an email.
The website liked me,
but they thought
that my idea was too
a*s-oteric.
[Fart]
I didn't know what
a*s-oteric meant,
so I asked my new boyfriend.
He said it was
pronounced with an "ES",
not an "a*s", and
told me to look it up.
[Texting pops]
[Sent message ping]
Esoteric.
Adjective from es ter ,
meaning inner.
Intended for or likely
to be understood by
only a small number of people.
Esoteric.
Esoteric.
Esoteric.
I didn't know what was so
esoteric about my
mom's period piece.
The website wanted
to know if I wanted
to direct a different video.
One in which little
girls talked about
what they dreamed
of being when they grew up.
But instead of
little girl dreams,
it was little boy dreams.
You know, lawyer,
fireman,
football player,
filmmaker.
I wished I was
the kind of person
who wanted to direct that video.
I wished because...
[Doors squeak]
Movies about the
pain of being female
were awash with money.
[Panting]
But instead I wrote...
[Keyboard taps]
Dear so and so,
I think that probably
the most "female"
thing for me to do
would be to "realize"
your "vision"
and "direct" this video.
That being said, as a person,
I don't think the
idea is a good one.
And I hate not having a choice.
A better video would be
of a female filmmaker
pitching an idea to a website,
and the website
calling the idea a*s-oteric.
And then telling the
female filmmaker what to do.
[Silence]
And then I signed it.
And maybe the most female
trouble part of it all was
that I walked into that meeting
having already made
a feature film.
But I didn't have
the words to say it.
I don't feel female.
Until somebody tells me I am.
[Water laps]
- [Keyboard tapping]
- [Dreamy music]
[Alexis] Dude, you got this.
Just like say action
with authority.
Right, left.
- And you say...
- Action.
Action.
- Action. Action.
- Action.
- Action!
- Just yell it!
- Action. Action.
- Action. Action.
Action!
- Action!
- Action!
[Uneasy music]
Action!
Okay, it starts here.
12 years ago.
The day I drove past the lake.
The lake whose shore was home
to one of the us of a's
first moving picture studios,
specializing in damsel
and distress films
the lake so deep
that after the studio's
flammable nitrate films
were thrown into it,
they were never recovered.
I drove past the lake
and into my hometown.
A hometown with that Hill
filled with failed communes.
The same communes that my moms
and dad fled to.
[Music continues]
In my hometown as a young woman,
I felt the vicious
cycle of birth.
Giving birth and death.
[Water rushes]
[Pensive music]
Nevertheless I returned
home to make this film,
my first feature film
with my family and my friends.
I was 25.
- [Music fades]
- [Crickets]
[Crew murmurs]
[Laughs]
[Mouths] so good.
[Laughs]
Hey vita! How do I look?
Is that them?
Yeah, you haven't met them?
No.
Holy sh*t, you're so shy.
Hey guys, come on.
- Circle up!
- Circle up!
I have a couple of announcements
before we get started.
So the first announcement is
I trust you all so
inherently and implicitly,
and chemically and emotionally
and spiritually, conceptually,
no matter what,
and I really hope
you can trust me too.
We are all the
authors of this film.
And the second
announcement, thank you,
[Laughs]
Is that there's this old guy
who lives down the
road from my moms'.
He will offer you weed.
It is goblin weed.
Do not smoke it.
Do not smoke it.
I'm telling you...
- I have to smoke goblin weed!
- Do not smoke weed.
- If a goblin offers me weed...
- Powerful little sh*t!
The crew consisted of Sam,
the assistant director.
- Not the producer?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alexis, the cinematographer.
But we're more like sisters.
Bobby.
Hi! Pleasure.
Alexis's assistant.
She had given him head once.
JJ, the designer.
I had given him head twice.
And... Dustin.
- Hey baby, you're back!
- It's good to be back!
- Hi baby.
- Hey. Hey.
- How you doing?
- I'm good.
I had this like
really intense dream
that you were like
with someone else,
and I like woke up with
this like weird
taste in my mouth.
- Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
- It's all just a dream.
- Yeah.
[Kiss]
Hey, I got a
[Crew murmurs]
- [Sniffs]
It's like a little
heart-shaped rock
for luck or something.
- So nice. Thank you.
- Yeah.
[Kiss]
Okay, I gotta get back to work.
Okay guys, let's go! Let's go!
Let's do it. Let's make a movie.
Yeah!
[Crew chatter]
Uh, what about him?
Oh great, sound guy.
Wait, tell me your name again.
I'm so f*cking bad
at remembering names.
[Crew chatter]
Oh sh*t, Sam, Sam, Sam.
That's the guy. Can
you talk to him?
- Um, Vita?
- Yeah?
You gonna introduce me?
Oh, right! Okay
guys, guys, wait.
This is Dina.
This is Dina.
[Chuckles]
Go ahead, introduce yourself.
Okay...
Hi, I'm Dina. I've never
been in a film before.
I play the main character.
I don't think she
has a name yet.
But I've watched tons of movies.
All right, let's get into it.
- Yeah!
- Okay!
[Crew murmurs]
Oh, uh, phones! So...
[Vita] It was the middle
of what could be described
as a revolutionary decade
in moving images.
The aftermath of
a world financial collapse
coupled with the rise of
the first affordable
and professional
digital moving image cameras
created an era of
micro budget film making.
[Pill bottle rattles]
I had four thousand five hundred
and twenty-five dollars.
Action.
Action.
So we did what we had to do.
Squeeze in!
We begged,
we borrowed,
we stole.
[Crew counts down]
And before we get too far,
I should tell you,
[Laughter]
It was bad.
[Driving uneasy music]
And I was on a lot of Adderall,
which is probably why
I can't remember the
sound guy's name.
[Camera clicks]
[Camera clicks]
[Camera clicks]
[Camera clicks]
[Camera clicks]
[Music builds]
Vita, he's almost here!
Oh, oh, okay!
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
[Crew crosstalk]
How we doing? We good?
Okay, great! Great,
great, great, great.
Forty five seconds!
Oh sh*t! Oh, all
right. Here we go.
Here we go! We're
ready! We're ready.
Okay. Okay.
[Crew crosstalk]
All right, guys!
Alright, JJ, get the
f*ck out! Come on!
Guys! We gotta go, we gotta go!
Buddy, get out...
We gotta go! Let's go! Let's...
JJ! Come on, come on!
We gotta go! Okay...
- And...
- Hold on, hold on!
And action!
[Footsteps crunch]
[Plane roars closer]
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
[Plane roars]
[Mouse click]
I remember I paid
airplane Andy 50 bucks.
He built a plane in his garage
and taught himself to fly.
[Mouse click]
[Plane roars]
He was willing to do
as many takes as I wanted
to make it feel real.
Cut!
- Whoa! sh*t!
- Take it.
[Relieved laughter]
Yeah, I mean that...
You can... um...!
You okay?
You okay?
- Amazing!
- Vita!
- Okay...
- Vita, um...
[Chatter]
We were rolling, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
He wants to do it
again even closer,
and then pull out
at the very end...
[Vita] But I'm sure I cut
him off after three
[Alexis speaks indistinctly]
'Cause he kept flying closer...
You want to do another?
And closer
and closer.
Hey, uh...
f*ck me, man.
Come as close as you want.
[Laughs]
[Somber music]
It was a primal experience.
- [Bed thuds]
- [Gasping]
[Music fades]
[Moaning]
[Moaning]
[Panting]
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
[Panting]
[Exhale]
[Laughs]
Did you c*m?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Where?
[Panting]
[Laughs]
What do you mean?
sh*t.
- Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh f*ck.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.
f*ck.
Alright, don't be upset.
- Oh no...
- Hey. Hey...
[Kiss]
I love you.
[Sighs]
I love you too.
[Gentle music]
God damn it.
[Laughter]
[Music continues]
[Vita] I'd read
this list online.
Most important things
for a director to be.
And the number one
thing was healthy.
And dad, maybe it's the sound of
the zoom that makes
her turn her head or...
Alright, you all ready...
[Crew murmurs]
No, it's not just the light.
[Footsteps]
Okay, so some questions.
One, are the eventual
worms alive or plastic?
Two, Alexis says
neither are red enough,
but we need more light, so.
And three, we need to talk about
the prosthetic belly.
[Gravel crunches]
Vita, what do you think?
Live, live worms.
Use whatever f*cking
lights you want.
Can get me the
morning after pill?
What?
The morning after pill.
[Gasps]
Don't be dramatic.
I'm serious.
I'm honored.
He came in me.
[Laughter]
He said something
like primal took over.
Oh my god.
Vita! Hey, uh, yo.
Never...
Thanks.
Yep.
By the way, I don't like that.
[Murmuring]
Are you guys making a movie?
[Murmurs]
I can tell them to stop.
- Now?
- No.
- Later.
- Okay, bye.
Whoa, there it is.
Happy day.
[Claps]
Yeah.
Your bike, I just found it.
I don't know who that...
How you doing?
Good.
Hey, ah, why don't you like...?
- Um...
- Yeah.
[Crew murmurs]
Vita, I want to sh**t the scene
so that it feels like
we're in her head
and looking at her.
And where do you want me
to put the hard drives?
Uh, vita?
- How are you?
- Okay.
[Alexis] No, we
already talked about...
Is that... Two
shots or one shot?
[Hopeful music] [Laughter]
[Vita] cash?
A lot of people showed up
to help me make my film.
- Hey darlin'.
- Hey!
But cash was the only guy
in a 22.6 mile radius
that could have
been a movie star.
And yes, everyone
was in love with him.
Good, how are you?
Would you like to say something?
- Um...
- Yep, right there.
[Case rattles]
Thanks.
- Wow.
- Alright.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
Hey. Uhh...
Wow, this is amazing.
I know I haven't
really been around much
in the last few years,
so it's really nice to
see all your familiar faces.
I wish I could pay you.
But like maybe you could, maybe.
[Laughter]
Well, you know,
there's a lot of beer
and you can have as much
of it as you want,
so that's something.
And this is my producer, Sam.
He will take great care of you.
He will look after
everything you need.
All right.
Take it from there. So yeah!
Like she said, just fun,
pretty simple stuff.
We're going to have
you all sort of scatter.
[Pensive music]
I cast Dina as the main
character in the film
because she seemed
like the perfect muse.
We had the same friends
and boyfriends.
Both of our dads were
larger than life.
She was me, but beautiful.
And like any great
director, it was my job
to wait patiently
and let the muse take over.
You know, I broke up with Billy.
[Music ends]
[Wind]
- Holy sh*t.
- Mhm.
Finally.
I know.
- That guy's a loser.
- I know.
Good for you.
[Inhales]
Make sure your hands,
they're always
touching something.
Your character's trying to...
Ground herself in this world
that she just feels
completely alien in.
She's trying to
determine her boundaries,
the rules, just, you know,
and in the end it's just
going to be her in the trees.
[Inhales]
Girl enters and crosses
the frame at a diagonal.
She disappears
behind a sand dune in
the foreground, the
edge of the frame.
Camera at this point
actually stops operating.
The girl walks away
a considerable distance
and takes her place
behind another sand
dune, further away.
The camera then
resumes its sh**ting
and immediately begins to turn
in a panoramic movement
toward the direction
of which the girl's
left the frame.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
Moves out of the frame...
Okay, um, instead,
she emerges much more distant.
And so the alienation
of the girl
from the camera
exceeds the actual time
which proceeds what would have
presumably been necessary.
[Music continues]
What is that from?
Maya Deren.
You emailed it to me.
This is the best part.
She goes on to say
about film making,
"And so, ready or not,
willing or not,
you must come to comprehend
with full responsibility
the world of which
we now created."
Cool. Well, you didn't
send me any lines
or anything, so
I memorized that.
[Laughs]
Because I'm an actor now.
[Music continues]
Everybody who will
be in the bar,
let's get to places. Alright.
Watch your step. Yep.
Alright, nice and warm. Come on.
Hey, I'm not paying
you to hang out.
Get the f*ck in there.
Lovely, okay. Looks cute.
- Roll sound.
- Speeding.
- Roll camera.
- Rolling.
301 apple, take one.
[Slate clacks]
Set.
[Violin plays]
Action!
Action!
[Violin continues] [Clapping]
[Feet stomp to music]
[Vita] so the film was
about a young woman.
She lives in a small town.
She's taking care of
her ailing father.
She has a boyfriend.
And a secret lover.
She gets pregnant
and decides to leave home
in search of her mother
who abandoned her at birth.
This is a true story.
[Music fades]
This is a true story, except...
And you already know this.
[Waves lap]
I have two moms.
[Violin music]
One of them is a mime.
I was never abandoned.
[Woman sings]
[Music muffles]
I did get pregnant, though.
A year and a half
before we shot the film.
I found out on my 23rd birthday.
My birthday is
November 23rd, so...
Vita.
It was a once in
a lifetime year.
Hey.
[Violin music builds]
Go! Everybody laugh!
Really animated!
Give me party!
[Cheers]
On November 24th,
I sat at the clinic
and cried and cried.
[Howls]
I asked the nurse,
"Why am I the only person
that I know who this
has happened to?"
[Fire roars]
[Muffled cheers]
And the nurse
looked away from me
and back at me again
and said,
[Fire crackles]
"This happens to
a lot of people."
"It's just that nobody
talks about it."
[Muffled cheers]
[Women sing]
Just remember
That red river valley
And the...
Okay, can we cut for a second?
Let's hold the roll.
Dina, you have to
see him by now.
See who?
[Women whisper]
Can you guys be quiet
for just a second?
See him, your secret lover.
Hey, Gideon, will you wave?
He's an actor. He
drove up from the city.
Oh sh*t.
Hey, sorry.
I didn't know you
were in the scene.
I'm Dina.
Hey. Gideon. I'm moving to la.
Cool.
[Crew murmurs]
Okay, wait. We're
gonna go from the...
Come and sit by my side
If you love me
Do not hasten
to bid me adieu
Just remember That
red river valley
[Laughter]
[Wild screeching laughs]
- f*ck!
- No!
[Laughter]
[Grunts]
[Moans]
f*ck!
[Laughter]
Hi. Hi.
What are you guys doing?
[Laughter]
Can you come here for a second?
Why?
I miss you. Come here.
Why are you wet?
Why are you wet?
We got all wet together.
Why are you wet?
Hi. How are you?
How is the film going?
[Laughter]
It's going... it was going
well before you got here.
What are you wearing?
I like your funny vest.
It's my cameo.
It's the most important
shot of the scene.
Can I take a picture of you?
Baby...
[Camera flash]
Ow.
Sorry...
Your lens cap is on.
You have to go back to the bar.
[Alexis] Still rolling, vita.
What's happening?
Okay.
You gotta go.
No.
I gotta get back to work.
Do you need to take a break?
No.
Is it lunchtime?
No.
We could go back.
Go... I just wanted
to have sex with you.
[Laughter]
Shut up.
That's so embarrassing.
You're so wet.
Why don't you help?
It'll go by faster.
- If you help out.
- Yeah.
Listen to JJ.
I'm going to help.
Come over here,
you're gonna help.
Alright, we're gonna help.
- Go over there?
- Bobby's over there.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Bobby!
I was sent to help you.
- No, no.
- Hey!
I'm good. Thank you though.
Yeah. You're good.
You do your thing.
I'm just going to like help you.
No, like I'm...
Don't touch that.
Don't touch that.
[Murmurs]
Don't touch that.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
No.
I don't...
He asked me to help
with the... okay.
I will not touch the light
and I will help over here.
Stop messing with the equipment.
Why are you yelling at me?
You guys were singing.
What were you singing?
[Girls resume singing]
Yeah.
[Whoops]
Vita, I'll just be in the scene.
[Laughs]
... Bid me adieu
What is happening?
Thank you.
Vita!
[Murmurs fade]
You know, I don't think
we need this shot.
What about the close-up?
Why don't you...
We get the most sh**ting.
Are you absolutely sure
you don't need this shot?
Vita!
[Singing]
Vita!
Red river valley
[Giggles]
Yeah, I'm sure.
[Uneasy music]
[Men murmur]
I always wondered
if that shot would have
made the film better.
Guess I wonder about
a lot of things.
... Bid me adieu
Adieu. Adieu. Adieu.
Just remember that red river
[Footsteps]
[Singing]
[Panting]
[Yelling]
[Screams]
[Screams]
[Bag shakes]
[Screams]
[Screams]
Dina, um, I'm gonna need you to
really dig a little
deeper on this one.
I mean, the scream's
gotta come from,
like, a really painful place.
Okay.
[Clears throat]
[Screams]
Okay, I don't... I don't get it.
Like, where is this
all coming from?
Well, Dina, she's...
Emotionally torn.
Okay.
I don't know what
that means, honestly.
Maybe we should try it
from a different angle,
like, sh**t from behind,
and then you can
add a better scream.
Yeah, but you have to stay
with her. It's gotta be that.
Dina, maybe try it, like,
you just, like, stub your toe,
and it's, like, that one spot,
and you always do it.
No, Sam, it's not...
It's not like stubbing your toe.
She needs a real life example.
This is after the scene where
she meets her secret lover?
Yeah, but he's not secret.
So is it about the boyfriend?
It's... we all read
the script, right?
I mean, yeah, but
40 pages of mostly prose.
- JJ... Can this please wait?
- Can I just...?
[Dustin] Vita, what
if she's, like,
not in pain at
all at this point?
What do you mean?
Like, what if, like,
instead, she's...
She's, like, coming
to terms with
who she's, like,
meant to be, you know?
[Silence]
But it's, like, it's
the opposite of that.
I don't know, it's
not like the opposite.
It's just, like, a different...
It's a different take.
It's, like, the same thing.
It's the opposite of
that, I am telling you.
- Okay...
- She's not just cool with it.
Yeah, I'm just... I'm, like,
throwing out an idea.
Could be cool.
We're just gonna, we're
gonna keep... keep going.
[Sam] Yeah, okay, let's...
Let's try it again maybe.
Thank you. Let's keep going.
Why, why, why does
everything I do
just, like, f*cking
upset you up here?
Can we just get
through this scene?
Yeah. I'm... I'm just trying to,
like, help out here.
But it's not helping.
Could we, could we, like,
go and talk for a second?
- Right now?
- Yeah.
- You need to talk right now?
- Yeah, yeah.
What are we gonna talk about?
Uh, I... I'd rather
just not do this
in front of, like, everyone.
Can you, like, take
just, like, five minutes?
No, I can't.
How can you not
see that I'm busy?
I'm trying to finish this scene.
Baby.
[Scoffs]
You... you make me,
like, feel really bad
being here.
[Silence]
I think I'm just
gonna, like... Uhh...
I'm gonna go back home.
You finish the film,
and yeah, I'll see you later.
[Crunching footsteps]
Okay, I'm...
I'm gonna be right back.
Just keep, keep it rolling.
[Sighs]
- No, we can't...
- I'm good.
[Crew murmurs uneasily]
- Okay...
- Especially when the f*cking...
The sexual tension is dripping.
Bobby.
Just the regular attention.
His regular attention.
Hey.
[Footsteps crunch]
Just, Dustin, stop.
You wanted to talk. Let's talk.
Just try to see
what I'm doing here.
Yeah.
Look, why... why are...
Why are you taking this
all so f*cking seriously?
What do you mean
why I'm taking it...
Why aren't you
taking it seriously?
I'm trying to be...
I'm trying to do this
with my f*cking life.
This is me.
Yeah, look, I'm trying to
be here with you, okay?
And you don't even
f*cking, like, see me.
I think you should
be up here for me.
Yeah, I am up here for you.
Okay, well, you're not really
helping me out
on a day like today, okay?
Because you make
me feel like sh*t
in front of, like,
your... Your... your crew!
Okay, well, I'm kind
of dealing with a lot.
Like, Dina's not
f*cking screaming.
The crew won't
f*cking listen to me
because we're all
f*cking stoned.
You came in me yesterday
and I have to find
a distinct minute
to take the f*cking
morning after pill
so I don't puke everywhere.
Sorry, I said I was sorry.
You just don't f*cking get it.
Like, you are amazing.
Like, you're trying
so f*cking hard
to, like, make this f*cking art,
but you're like... You're...
You don't even understand how
f*cking amazing you are.
You're... yeah.
You're so much
better than me, okay?
What?
Yeah, like...
You could do anything
you wanted, okay?
You're capable of...
Of, like, everything.
Like what?
Like, like, I
don't know, like...
You... you...
You're capable of
having, like, a baby.
Like...
Like, you're awesome.
[Crickets]
I love you.
And I want to be here for you.
I just want you to,
like, want me with you.
You know?
[Sobs]
I don't want to have a baby.
I don't want to have a baby.
Yeah, I didn't... That's not...
I didn't mean, like, right now.
[Heavy footsteps]
Vita, where are you going?
[Ominous music]
[Vita] Did you know that
after an egg is released
from the ovary, it is viable
for up to 24 hours?
And the morning after pill
can work for 72.
Unless the sperm
and the egg collide first.
I didn't know that then.
I was an idiot.
And convinced that
I was the only one
taking the film seriously.
[Laughter]
[Eerie music]
So, let's do one more scream
before we roll.
When you're ready.
[Screams]
[Crickets]
[Screams]
[Coughs]
[Gagging]
[Sing screams]
[Sing screams]
[Screams]
[Screams]
[Combined screams]
[Vita] After the egg was
released from my ovaries,
but before I took the
morning after pill,
we filmed this scene
where the main
character screams.
[Screams]
It was meant to represent
the moment that she
became pregnant.
[Screams]
It was at this
moment inside of me
that the sperm and
the egg collided too.
[Hisses in pain]
[Screams]
[Recorded scream]
So, the film was
about a young woman
[Silence]
Who was taking care
of her ailing father.
She gets pregnant
and decides to escape
her hometown in search
of her mother who
abandoned her at birth.
This is a true story.
This is a true story except.
I have two moms,
and I had two ab*rtion.
[Door squeaks]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Inhales shakily]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Keyboard tapping]
[Mouse clicks]
[Sighs]
[Hisses]
[Leg taps]
[Sniffs]
[Deep breaths]
[Claps]
[Deep breaths]
[Screams silently]
[Sighs]
[Beeps]
[Clicks]
Hi, I'm vita and I'm
the writer-director
of the feature-length film
always, all ways.
Here I am in my
childhood bedroom,
aka my editing suite.
I moved back home
a few weeks ago
to complete the
first of three shoots
over the course of nine months.
I've been reviewing the
footage and it looks amazing.
We've decided to start this
crowd funding campaign
with amazing rewards
for people who donate
to finance the next two shoots,
which will cost
approximately $18,000.
I want to get as many people
involved in this vision
as possible because
your mark on my film
is what I'm looking for.
[Assistant director]
Houston, cut.
[Production assistants]
Houston, cut.
[Production assistants]
Houston, cut.
[Whoops]
Tail, slating!
[Somber guitar]
[Cinematographer] Bring it.
[Vita] You want
me to cut this, z?
[Zia] cut it.
- [Camera assistant 1] Mark.
- [Camera assistant 2] Mark.
[Slate clacks]
Cut.
[Music continues]
[Knocking]
Guess what?
What?
The film is officially listed!
No turning back now, dude.
[Laughs]
No way.
Whoa, we did it!
[Laughs awkwardly]
Cool!
Oh my god!
[Puking]
[Rain]
[Gagging]
Okay and then we...
Take some time to recover
and take, you know, just
take some deep breaths.
[Exhales]
And you crawl over to the worm.
- Okay, crawl over...
- See it?
You pick it up and hold it.
You know, deal with it, feel it.
You know, take it in.
Her nets are going to rip...
Shh, quiet.
[Sam] what's the point
of the worm again?
[Bobby] I don't know.
I think it's about her
being pregnant or something.
[Playful drums]
The film was filled
with thin motifs,
like earthworms,
and a bunch of other
asso-teric images.
I didn't give a sh*t
about the audience.
I liked the earthworms
because I had read
that they hold both
sexes inside them.
They are beholden to no one.
Wait, bobby, did
you move the light?
I told him to do that
because it's just, it's
a really shitty bathroom.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Raise your hand if
you like the light.
I just think it looks better.
Yeah, I would listen to that.
Um, vita?
Yeah.
What should we do next?
I don't know, just
f*cking go with it.
Okay?
[Vita] actually, the more
telling pattern that
haunted the set was
that of near death.
[Music continues]
First there was the plane.
[Plane rumbles]
Then...
[Car screeches and crashes]
The deer.
The lightning.
[Thunder crack]
The goblin weed.
[Lighter flicks]
[Coughs]
The drama on the pier.
[Music ends]
- [Wind]
- [Screams]
And then there was
the night.
[Sighs]
[Vita and cash murmur]
With cash.
And the whiskey.
[Eerie music]
You can dance
tonight if you want.
Yeah, whatever
you want, darlin'.
Is that the best mask
you could get for me?
It is, it is.
They didn't have much
of a collection, I guess.
Mustache falling
off and everything?
[Laughter]
[Crew murmurs]
Uh, keep doing
what you're doing.
Wait for me to cue.
- [Scuffle]
- [Crew murmurs]
Get rowdy.
- Okay.
- Woo!
Hey guys, listen up!
Action!
[Pensive music]
Darlin'.
Darlin'.
Darlin'.
How's it going?
Did you hear the news?
Did she tell you?
You didn't tell her?
Baby, we're having a baby.
[Sighs]
[Gulps]
Baby, we're having a baby.
Having a baby?
This is great, cash. Keep going.
Can I get another?
[Pensive music]
Yeah, let's pause.
You want to get him
a beer and a shot? Sam?
Come on, brother.
[Crew murmurs]
Why did you give
him more to drink?
- Are you joking?
- I didn't give him anything!
He's already drunk,
how the f*ck is this on me?
[Vita] Guys, guys, guys.
Hey!
[Crew argues]
What is the problem?
It's fine.
I know these guys. It's fine.
We're good.
Just having fun.
It's going to be okay.
Just calm down.
It's okay.
[Footsteps]
The prosthetic belly is...
Whatever this decision is,
can you just make yourself?
Okay.
Action!
f*ck!
I know.
Don't stop.
[Groans]
m*therf*cker.
God damn it. Where was I?
Baby.
Baby?
Baby.
We're having a
m*therf*cking baby.
We're having a f*cking baby.
It's going to be a
little f*cking girl.
We're having a
f*cking baby girl.
Get in here, m*therf*ckers.
[Whoops]
The prodigal son returns!
Go, go, go!
[Yelling]
[Thuds]
What's going on?
We're having a f*cking baby.
What?
We're having a
f*cking baby girl.
We're having a f*cking baby.
We're having a baby.
We're havin' a
f*ck' baby guys.
We're havin' a f*ck' baby!
[Men chatter]
We're havin' a f*ck' baby!
We're havin' a baby!
We're havin' a baby...
We're havin' a baby!
f*ck' baby...
[Laughter]
[Vita] I remember
thinking I was brilliant.
[Distant murmurs]
[Sam] So that's everything
except those lights upstairs,
right?
Okay.
Alright. Yeah.
You can give him a little time.
You can come up there.
Alright.
Thanks man.
Hey, um, dinner's almost ready
and I got some more
beers for the guys.
Great.
And maybe us.
Yeah, and us.
For sure us.
Don't let them steal a bottle.
We're having a baby!
We're having a baby!
We're having a baby!
We're having a baby!
We're having a baby!
[Men continue singing]
Congratulations.
[Song fades into eerie music]
[Laughter]
[Car door clicks]
[Car door slams]
[Car revs to life]
But I knew I called out to him.
Where are you going?
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Wait! Where are you going?
Stop!
Cash!
Stop! Don't drive!
Come back!
[Car roars away]
[Eerie music continues]
Or maybe I didn't
call out at all.
[Car rumbles]
I don't remember
anything after that.
[Car revs]
Except the beans
[Muffled pop music]
And the music.
[Sighs]
[Distant cheering]
[Electronic dance music]
We were all so hungry.
["Heartbeats" by The Knife]
One night of magic rush
The start, a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good
enough for me, oh
To call for hands of above
[Panting]
[River rushing]
[Phone vibrates]
[Phone vibrates]
Hello?
19.5 miles outside of town.
They found cash's truck
wrapped around a telephone pole.
[Waterfall rushing]
And the only person
I told was Sam.
[Dina] Maybe we should
just wait for cash.
Yeah.
But I think JJ can pass.
I mean, with the jacket
and boots, it's probably fine.
I think it's fine.
[Scissors snip]
[Distant traffic]
[Fabric rustles]
[Alexis] Yeah.
[Sound guy] I mean,
I'm kind of tired,
so I don't want to hold it up.
[Alexis] Yeah, I mean, I think
we'll do a couple.
And so...
[Boom thunks]
About how high or how low?
- Okay...
- Can you breathe in there?
[Sighs]
Well, the only way
to do the scene
is with the mask on.
[Boom thunks]
[Silence]
Can you put your arm
over her shoulder?
Oh, come on, JJ. Like this.
Like you mean it.
[Sighs]
Hang on her, JJ.
Cover her almost.
[Boom thunks]
Man, can you f*cking just...
What is going on?
What is going on? Why are you...
Can we just be a little
bit professional?
This is really annoying for me
to have to stop my conversation,
to be having this
conversation with you.
It's really annoying
when you touch the boom.
- I didn't touch...
- You touched me with a boom.
You never touch the camera.
That's so f*cking
weird of you, man.
I'm not...
Be professional! It's like...
Have we forgotten
how to do our job?
You touched me with
the f*cking boom.
- I didn't do sh*t.
- Stop, stop, stop.
- Stop yelling at people.
- I know we're f*cking tired...
- Please vita. V!
- But let's all be f*cking
professional for a second.
We are all here for your movie.
It was an accident.
He didn't mean to hit you.
It's stupid to be yelling...
[Puking]
You good?
[Puking]
[Groans]
[Eerie music]
[JJ] I think I drank
too much last night.
[Music continues]
[Crew murmurs]
[Electronic music]
Hey, Sam.
[Hisses]
What are we doing now?
[JJ] Hi.
Sam told us what
happened with cash.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Yeah.
So...
Besides the equipment...
And us...
You can still sh**t
the rest of your movie.
[Silence]
[Somber music]
[Crunching footsteps]
[Vita] I remember
thinking I was brilliant.
[Stumbling footsteps]
Come get this f*ck!
I wanted them to be wasted.
[Laughter]
I wanted it to be real.
[Giggling]
And...
[Scoffs]
I guess in this moment...
Their performances
were brilliant.
[Party murmurs]
Or at least realistic.
We're having a baby!
[Laughter]
Wasted.
[Somber music continues]
And even though he didn't die...
You're trying to
get him over here.
No amount of real
is worth someone's life.
Sam.
And then...
Yeah, look back at her.
- [Keyboard tapping]
- [Music ends]
[Water splashes]
[Camera whirs]
You alright?
[Pensive music]
When I was in the sixth grade...
My dad told me he had HIV.
He'd had it my whole life.
And I didn't tell anyone.
[Footsteps]
Maybe because saying it out loud
would have made it true.
Or because...
[Rattling groan]
Every person I saw like him
was a character in a movie.
How long was I asleep?
And they all died.
[Wind rustles]
Where is everyone?
[Gentle music]
I guess they're really gone.
[Box thuds]
But my dad didn't die.
And so I cast him in my film...
As the father of
the main character.
We can film it on this.
What is that?
Your dad gave it to me.
I already got some
pretty cool shots on it.
No, absolutely not.
This is the...
This is the most important scene
of the entire film.
She is saying goodbye
to her dead dad
before she gets the
f*ck out of town.
And if we don't get it,
it's not gonna
make f*cking sense.
It's not gonna be good.
When did being
good ever stop you?
[Groans]
Now come on, let's
sh**t this scene.
So all I did was lay
in the grave for two hours
contemplating death for nothing?
This is so f*cking stupid.
[Sniffs]
Hello?
[Sighs]
[Lighter flicks]
[Hums]
[Distant birds]
Is that a real grave?
You wanna hit?
Stop!
We share everything
on this Hill.
[Lighter flicks]
When I was your age,
one of us just stood
up on a park bench
and spun around
and pointed north.
We had to get out of the city.
We didn't want to be
with those people.
Live with them.
We certainly didn't want to be
buried near them either, huh?
Dad, she doesn't want
to hear your story.
Did you hear something?
[Chuckles]
Are you sure you
guys are related?
[Laughs]
I know. How could
somebody so beautiful
have a father like me?
I'm sure. I'm sure.
She didn't tell you
how her moms conceived her?
- Dad!
- No.
Don't mind her. I'll tell you.
[Whispers]
[Laughter]
Really?
[Contemplative music]
Yup.
[Laughter]
[Dad] Imagine growing up
your whole life,
"people telling
you, "Make a movie!
You got a great f*cking story!"
sh*t.
That f*cking great story is that
your moms are lesbians
and your dad is gonna die.
[Chuckles]
Maybe you should make a film.
Believe me, I tried.
I bought that video
camera for her birth.
I tried all that.
It was misunderstood.
So I just gave it up.
[Dina] well, that's a shame.
Nah.
It's a terrible world
out there, girl.
But the strong women
said to the f*ggots,
"There are two important
things to remember
about the coming revolution.
The first is that we will
get our asses kicked.
"The second is
that we will win."
Did you write that?
No. A friend did. He's dead.
But it always reminded me
of us up here on this Hill.
[Eerie music]
[Book rustles]
[Vita] So the film was
about a young woman.
Who was taking care
of her dying father.
[Water splashes]
She gets pregnant
and decides to leave home
in search of her mother,
who abandoned her at birth.
[Music builds]
This is a true story.
Except...
I have two moms.
I had two ab*rtion.
And my dad survived.
Okay. So that's a wrap wrap.
Wrap!
I'll probably take a
look at it and see if...
[Vita] And I think I made
the main character
live this parallel life to mine
because I didn't know how
to talk about these things.
Or I didn't trust
the rules of cinema
to do them justice.
- Dancing is my life.
- Good!
That was so awkward.
Or...
You get to dance again tomorrow.
I was afraid to.
[Static]
Still...
I wish I could show you
something that is true.
[Music continues]
[Groans]
[Mouse clicks]
Did you know that
most filmmakers spend
their entire lives
making some version
of the same movie.
[Water laps]
And I wonder...
[Dance music]
Every time are they this alone?
[Deep breath]
[Baby coos]
Okay! Let's go see mama.
Boop!
[Laughs]
[Bumping party music]
[Music continues]
[Country music]
[Ominous rumbling]
[Droning]
[Droning fades]
You're so pretty.
What's your film about?
[Waterfall rushing]
[Silence]
[Whistles]
[Whistles]
[Whistles]
[Door thuds]
[Knocks]
[Dina] Hey!
Hey!
You're naked.
[Scoffs]
So are you.
Can we get the f*ck out of here?
Wait, we can't take his truck.
Just get in.
Man, I should pee.
[Moans]
Yeah, me too.
[Sighs]
Oh god!
[Groans] [Door thuds]
[Laughs]
[Lighter flicks]
[Lighter thuds]
[Exhales]
I just decided,
I'm going to go away
after we finish the film.
There's this school.
I could take some film classes.
And it's near my dad's
so I can take care of him too.
And I need to stop smoking.
[Groans]
[Clicks tongue]
What?
[Exhales]
[Laughs]
I don't think we're
gonna finish the film.
[Scoffs]
Shut up.
[Can thunks]
[Bouncy esoteric folk music]
Come on.
[Car creaks]
Come on.
Dance with me.
Come on.
[Exhales]
Come on.
[Car door rattles]
You were the rainbow
You were the wind
You were the perfume
You were even a friend
Everybody knows
That paradise
Is blue
[Pats]
[Pats]
You don't need to tell
me what happened, man.
I get it.
You know I got pregnant too.
While you were gone.
f*ck that.
Making this film has been...
f*cking freeing.
A real resolution for me.
[Music continues]
[Door squeaks]
[Horn blares]
[Laughs]
Come on.
- [Door thuds]
- [Laughs]
[Music continues]
f*ck, come on!
- What are we doing?
- Just come here.
Okay!
Ready?
And a one.
And a two.
Three!
[Splash]
[Sighs]
[Pants]
I mean tonight was fun but...
I want more than
dudes who just want
to f*ck us and
have their babies.
We've got to finish
making the film.
[Gentle music fades in]
[Vita] You were
always next to me.
Falling in love with
making something.
No matter how treacherous.
Biting.
Cruel.
[Screams]
[Dina] and so, ready or not,
willing or not,
we must come to comprehend
with full responsibility
the world which
we've now created.
[Dreamy music]
It's the best thing
you ever said to me.
That was actually the best thing
you ever said to me.
[Car rumbles]
[Gasp]
[Moans]
[Sighs]
[Music builds]
[Car rumbles]
[Building rumbling]
It's going to be okay.
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Boom]
- [Waterfall roars]
- [Music fades]
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Boom]
- [Boom]
- [Sounds fade]
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Gentle music]
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Boom]
[Exhale]
[Wind]
[Water laps]
[Screams]
[Vita] You okay?
[Laughter]
We'll do that again.
Okay.
I think it's going.
[Waves crash]
Okay, start walking.
[Wind]
[Gentle radio music]
[Recording] Can you put
your legs over there?
[Clicking]
[Clicking]
[Keyboard taps]
[Message notification]
[Keyboard taps]
[Dina] Hi.
[Wind rustles]
[Dad] What are you doing?
Just looking for planes.
[Fabric rustles]
[Lighter flicks]
You a ghost?
[Sputters] Boo!
[Giggles]
Shouldn't you be going
to the hospital or something?
I read this story
once in the newspaper
about this kid who had to be
born in the hospital.
See, there was this lady.
She kept trying to have babies.
But every time she had a baby,
it would die in her stomach.
So the grandmother said,
"Oh, I've already had babies.
I can have another one."
So that's what they did.
They took the sperm and
they put it inside the egg,
and then they took the egg
and they put it in
the grandmother.
And when it was
ready to come out,
they took her to the hospital
and they cut her open
and took the baby out.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was really cool.
Except since it was born
from its grandmother,
it had like old lady blood.
So it was like an old person
and a young person in one.
[Chuckles]
Anyway, that probably
won't happen to you
because you're
not an old person.
And what am I?
In this life, ideally, happy.
You want a hit?
Cut!
What?
Cut!
Why did you stop us?
We were just getting going.
Dad, she's pregnant.
You can't offer her weed.
You know, I don't even know
if the film is about
her being pregnant.
Have you ever seen
a pregnant person?
Look at that belly.
What do you mean? It looks good.
[Laughs]
It looks like a pillow.
No, it doesn't.
- It does.
- Totally.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
Does it even matter?
[Groans]
Oh, sh*t!
It is a pillow.
[Vita] Hang on, this
is not a joke, dad.
My whole f*cking life is
riding on this movie
so I need the belly to look like
a f*cking pregnancy belly.
Why didn't we have
this conversation
like nine months ago, Alexis?
I think people tried to.
I'm scared.
Has the belly looked
fake the whole time?
I like it.
It's like an allegory.
Like a metaphor.
It's like an act of creation.
Pillow is child,
soft, weird, hot air,
cumulus, myth, way
up and way down.
What does it all mean?
The belly should be realistic.
Like, she really is pregnant.
I feel like it's depends
what kind of movie
you want to make,
but the show is based
in reality, right?
What?
Where are you from?
You can't show everything.
Reality has never,
will never be safe.
Not for me, not for you.
Reality is not art.
Art is this.
Up in the clouds,
floating to the future.
[Dreamy music]
[Dina] Yeah, you
just gotta explain to
the audience why
you have to be so...
[Chatting fades]
[Vita] And I remember
this so well.
[Muffled chatter]
It's just for a moment
I stopped caring.
Because it was so beautiful.
Just to be making
something with people.
[Music continues]
I wish I had stayed right here.
[Dad] So, is this
movie about pregnancy?
I named the main
character Anne Marie
because I had read somewhere
that it means mother
and daughter in one.
And the film had many endings.
But by the time
Anne Marie finally gives birth,
which is a scene
we actually shot
before the entire crew quit,
[Crew murmurs]
We were supposed to understand
that she's not giving
birth to a baby.
Instead, and please
hold your laughter,
the audience has
come to understand...
Action.
That she is giving
birth to herself.
[Dreamy music]
And after meticulously
cutting together the montage,
in which Anne Marie
gives birth to herself
in all the places
she's already been.
I went to the post office,
[Heavy breaths]
And I mailed the film
to as many film festivals
as I could afford to.
Maybe a hundred or...
Fifty or twenty or
twelve.
[Heavy breathing]
And I went home.
And I waited.
- [Cicadas]
- [Music fades]
And here's the real plot twist.
Push!
The film was not accepted
into a single festival.
- [Screams]
- [Foreboding music]
After I received that
final rejection, I pissed blood.
[Screaming continues]
See, despite doing
everything that
they tell young
filmmakers to do,
despite begging
and borrowing and stealing,
alienating my
friends and family,
and writing from my experience
and crowd funding,
and almost f*cking
k*lling someone.
[Music rumbles]
[Screams]
If you look the film up online
right now, it is
considered abandoned.
And my film was
never seen by anyone.
[Somber music]
[Crickets]
And last night I stayed up
watching my film
again and again.
[Fire roars]
[Uneasy music]
And I texted a friend.
Why am I the only person I know
who this has happened to?
And they must have looked
away from their phone.
[Fire roars]
Back again.
And said to me.
[Silence]
[Waves lap]
[Somber music]
[Keyboard taps]
[Sighs]
[Keyboard taps]
[Keyboard taps]
Are you still there?
[Clicking]
[Keyboard taps]
[Sighs]
So this is my first film.
[Keyboard taps]
I thought that writing it out
and filming it and
casting an actress
to play me was going to
make it all feel better,
but I never thought
about it ending.
- [Keyboard taps]
- [Sighing]
I've tried so many times
to tell this story,
but if I could not get here,
to you,
I would abort the project.
[Foreboding music builds]
Because ab*rtion is...
An understanding.
But abandoned.
[Scoffs]
Unseen.
[Inhales]
[Music fades]
[Silence]
Look what you did.
I feel like I'm doing a bad job.
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
[Sobs]
[Sniffs]
How does this film end, Zia?
What do we do now?
[Sniffs]
[Exhales]
[Keyboard taps]
[Keyboard taps]
[Sniffs]
Okay.
Okay.
[Gentle music]
Okay.
[Sniffs]
Jessie.
[Door clicks]
Hi. Are you ready to move on?
Yeah.
Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah.
[Laughs]
[Gentle music continues]
[Vita] It doesn't end.
But you will make
something again.
With people you care about,
and who care about you.
And it will be hard
and embarrassing.
But eventually you
will stop losing sleep.
And stop worrying.
[Chuckles]
You will make things from joy.
And not despair.
Even films that
should not be films.
[Music continues]
And every time you will
give birth to yourself.
And every time you will find
a new version of the truth.
Again and again.
[Laughs]
And again.
[Knocking]
Vita.
- [Door clicks]
- [Music ends]
Birthday.
Please.
November 23rd.
Oh.
Happy belated!
23 on 23.
That is a once in
a lifetime year.
[Footsteps]
Alright.
So how are you feeling?
[Heavy sigh]
Okay. I just want to remind you
that you are absolutely
within your rights to be here.
And if you've been having
any new doubts
since you signed the consent,
you are also absolutely
within your rights to
leave this room
without this procedure.
So may I ask you,
are you having any doubts?
No.
Okay.
Then I'd like to
tell you something.
It's something I tell everyone.
What we're about to do here
is remove a small group of cells
that could not exist
outside of your body.
I just want to be sure
we dissolve any fear
you might have
about regret. Okay?
Okay.
So I'm going to talk you
through absolutely everything.
But first, would
you like a tissue?
[Table scrapes]
[Sniffs]
Okay.
That's better?
Alright. So go
ahead and lean back
and put your feet into the...
Into the stirrups here for me.
Great. And then just
scooch down the
table just a little.
Mm-hmm.
And...
Go ahead and place
your hands right here.
Perfect.
[Switch clicks]
Oops.
Okay.
Okay.
Cold hands coming through.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
[Wet noises]
It is so cool to
see you as an adult.
I mean, you wouldn't
remember me.
You were just that tiny baby.
I was a midwife's
assistant back then.
I was at your birth.
I helped deliver you.
[Sighs]
I'm sorry. Would you
like me to be quiet?
Some people do prefer quiet.
Did you pick this music?
[Laughs]
It reminds me of my Enya days.
It's a really great choice.
Speculum.
That's the thing that's
shaped like a duck bill.
[Clicks tongue]
You know, the story
of your conception
is really pretty extraordinary.
The town myth.
You're going to feel something
like a small pinch now?
[Squeaking]
[Wet pop]
[Groans]
Actually, would
you tell it to me?
This story of your conception?
Okay.
Where should we begin?
First, your father
finds a 35mm film canister.
And then he jerks off into it.
And then he puts on the top
and puts it into
his breast pocket.
He puts on his coat
and goes out into a snowstorm.
He makes sure to keep his hand
over his heart
to keep that canister warm.
At the top of the hill,
he knocks on a cabin door.
And your moms answer.
They take that 35mm
canister from him
and slam the door.
And then they load the contents
into a small plastic syringe.
The kind that's usually used
to feed baby cats.
And then one of them
uses that syringe
to inject the contents
into her cervix.
And...
Nine months later,
you were born.
And that's a true story.
[Laughs]
So,
are you ready for a loud noise?
Good.
You know, all you need
is a body to create.
But what you create,
that is up to you.
[Suction]
[Sighs]
[Driving music]
[Music ends]
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My First Film (2024)
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