02x09 - The Brothers Gruff

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[Scary laughter]

Greetings, crypt kiddies.

I'm just passing away some

Time with a few fiends

Of mine.

Hee-hee-hee!

Grrrrrr...

Hmmm...

Ach-hem.

I guess I'll have to throw

In my hand.

Doh!

Well, I really don't have

Anything up my sleeve now.

We weren't playing for creeps,

Were we?

All right, one last hand.

I deal.

Winner takes all.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So, what will it be?

Soli-scare?

Grim mummy?

Red hot poker?

Croakers are wild?

Let's make it bridge.

Care to cut the cards.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Humph, very funny.

Now, while you go wretch some

Morgue cards, I'll take this

Opportunity to terrorize

Our audience.

Here's a spine-chilling saga

About a bridge... A bridge

Young eddie gruff was

Terrified to cross.

I call it..."The brothers

Gruff."

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Land of... Gladys!

Horace!

Eddie!

Give you one guess who

Eddie is.

All right, I've had enough

...

In the gruff family, I'm

The little brother, the guy

At the end of the pecking

Order.

No matter what, I get

The blame, no thanks to my pig

Of a big brother, horace.

Sometimes I wished had someone

To pass the buck to, like

My own little brother,

Or a dog.

But all I had was fred.

No one's gonna believe

A gerbil ate my homework.

But I could never rat you out,

Fred.

We're pals.

Eddie, dentist... 3:45.

Be home!



But I'll never make it

On time!

No "buts."

Take the shortcut across

The bridge.

The bridge?

Ooof!

Not the bridge!

Anything but the bridge!

I'd even kiss my brother

On the lips...

What's the matter, diaper

Boy?

You think one of those goobers

You believe in's gonna get ya?

Ah-ha-ha...

That's goblins, pig face.

And it's trolls that live

Under bridges, not goblins.

Let me take this opportunity

To point out that I had never

Seen a troll.

Didn't know anyone who'd ever

Seen a troll.

But I had every reason

To believe that a mean, ugly,

Evil troll lived under that

Bridge.

Why?

Sheldon.

Sheldon was the neighbourhood

Ghost, goblin, and troll

Expert.

He'd read the books, seen

The movies, heard the stories.

He knew.

Whatcha gonna do, eddie.

Don't know, sheldon.

Trolls afraid of anything.

Yup... Giant ogres.

Doesn't help, does it.

Nope.

[Bushes rustling]

[Gasps!]

Troll.

Too slow.

Gnome.

Too big.

Goblin.

Not in daylight!

Ogre!

Aaahhh!

We had seconds to choose.

The bridge or death by ogre.

Sheldon?

It got shel...

Shhhhh!

Oh, no.

Oops.

Heh... Shoulda known.

Ogres smell like mothballs.

Sheldon, we crossed

The bridge.

Aaahhh!

On the way home, sheldon

Debriefed me.

It was certain the troll would

Try to follow us, unless

We took the standard

Precautions... Vinegar bath,

Tinfoil hats, and the pockets

Of your mom's housecoat

Stuffed full of chalk.

This was guaranteed to throw

Any troll off a kid's trail.

I was real glad to have

Someone like sheldon

In my corner.

Three gallons of vinegar

And a roll of tinfoil later,

I was walking around smelling

Like a fish-and-chips t.v.

Dinner.

♪ Eddie messed up the bathroom

♪♪

And look what he did

To the ceiling.

[Gasp!]

All right, how'd you do it,

Pig face.

How did you do it?

It wasn't me, diaper boy.

It didn't matter.

What mom's gonna believe a kid

Walking around with tinfoil

On his head, smelling like eau

De captain highliner?

[Telephone ringing]

Boy, that vinegar went

Straight to my skateboard knee

Scabs!

Got some ketchup packs.

Wanna go explode 'em.

Can't.

Grounded.

Strawberry jam...

On the ceiling.

Yeah, how'd you know?

Sheldon?

Hello, sheldon?

Weird.

Eddie!

Ha-ha-ha...

Auh-auh-auh.

Horace was with me.

So there I was, back

In my room with back-to-back

Sentences.

Stinky, grounded, and lonely.

Gerbils don't like vinegar.

Uh-oh.

Fred?

The kitchen!

Frreddd?

Fred?

[Gasp!]

[Gasp!]

Waaahhh!

Gross!

[Gasp!]

Fred?

How'd you get out

Of your cage?

Fred?

Uhhh...

Fred!

But if you're there, then

What's behind... Huh?

Ouch!

Eddie!

[Gasp!]

What is going on here?

Hey, what's... Wow!

How'd you do that, eddie.

Well, if horace didn't do

It, and I didn't do it,

And you didn't do it... Who

Did?

Hey, sheldon!

[Gasp!]

Wait up!

Ooof!

What gives?

I don't need you acting weird,

Too.

I got enough weird happening.

Jam on the ceiling.

Newspaper pasted to the walls.

Everything in the fridge

Mushed.

Trolls!

Ooof!

A troll did it!

The jam, the newspaper,

The mush!

It's a textbook case!

A troll.

It must have followed ya

Home!

That's impossible, sheldon.

I did what you said.

The tinfoil, the bath, mom's

Robe, the... The chalk!

I didn't fill my pockets

With chalk!

What?

Without the chalk, they could

Smell your shadow!

Aaahhh!

Shhh!

It's gonna get worse, eddie,

A lot worse.

Trolls get mean, especially

Bridge trolls.

They work their way up to it.

First, playful,

Then... Ohhh... Watch out!

Okay, so tell me what

To do.

Worry and wear bright

Colours.

Huh.

Trolls liver underground.

They prefer muted earth tones.

They hate bright colours,

Especially pink.

Bright colours?

That's it?

A troll's after me

And you tell me to wear bright

Colours?

A fashion statement?

Sheldon said the troll was

After something, and it

Wouldn't leave until it got

It.

If the troll wasn't after

Fred, then what was it after.

[Gasp!]

Eddie?

Come out, come out, wherever

You are.

Horace.

So I can wedgie you.

Hmmm...

Horace!

[Gasp!]

We're in luck, eddie.

Tinfoil's still good at close

Range.

What about the bright colours?

Whoa, nuclear!

Way to go, show no mercy!

Okay... Hat, shirt,

Backpack, chalk.

I'm all set.

You sure you want to rescue

Him, eddie?

Think about it.

Life without a big brother?

I-i-i mean, this is like

Someone stealing your garbage.

I gotta do it, sheldon.

I got him into this.

I crossed the bridge.

A kid's gotta do what

A kid's gotta do, but...i

Still say it's like giving

Back the lottery jackpot.

Yeah, well, just stick

To the plan and you can't

Lose.

Right, coming from a guy

Who can't tell a skunk

From a giant ogre.

Yeah?

Well maybe you'd better check

Your chalk level again, eddie!

According to sheldon's

Crash course, trolls are

Clever, crafty, they steal

Anything that's not glued

Down, can't resist a good

Trade, an are only afraid

Of giant ogres.

Don't worry.

Remember, no matter what

Happens, I'm right behind you.

I'd only seen sheldon move

That fast when food was

Involved.

Wherever he was going, I hoped

He'd remember to send me

A postcard.

Well, I know you won't chicken

Out on me, fred.

[Gasp!]

[Muffled screams]

Smells good.

Uh... What's cooking.

Nothing...

Yet!

[Gasp!]

So, you want back.

It was time to put plan "a"

Into action.

No, but if you want me to take

Him back, you're gonna have

To pay me.

Uhh... Me pay you.

Fine with me, but don't say

I didn't warn you when bad

Things start happening.

Bad thing.

Oooh... Very bad things.

Horrible things.

Indescribably bad, horrible

Things.

Things so indescribably bad

And horrible...

How much?

I give bottle... All

In bottles and shiny bits.

Timepieces.

Silver teeth.

Hmmm.

Bag of coins and...

And jewellery!

I don't know.

And this?

Hmmm...

Deal.

[Whimpering]

Grrrrr!

Maybe I keep all.

Heh-heh-heh...

Time to launch plan "b."

Then how about trade?

What got.

Battery powered yo-yo.

Mom's fridge magnets.

Hmmm.

The remote control.

Hmmm.

Okay, jack, the answer is

Bismarck.

For 250 dollars?

Uh, what is the capital

Of north dakota?

Congratulations!

You're absolutely right.

Hmmm.

Dad's glow-in-the-dark

Boxer shorts, ref's whistle,

Hand buzzer, video game,

Hologram cards, calculator,

And a mini-flashlight.

Well, what do you say?

Have we got a trade, or what.

What more in bag.

Uh, nothing.

You got it all.

Nooo!

Ha-ha-ha!

No!

Huh?

Trade!

Not fred... All the other

Stuff, but not fred.

Trade!

Uhhh!

No, I love fred!

Trade!

He's my friend!

You're only my big, stupid,

Fat head, pig brother.

You made fun of me

For believing in trolls.

Not so funny now, is it,

Horace?

[Crying]

Traaade!

All right, but you gotta

Let horace go, and go back

Where you came from, and don't

Bother any more kids... For

Keeps.

Ya gotta understand, fred,

He's my brother.

Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, now let my brother

Go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Keep this, keep that...

[Muffled screams]

Keep youuu.

Eddie, look out!

[Gasp!]

Ah-ha-ha-ha...

I be back!

Come on!

We don't have much time!

Huh?

Grrrrr!

Uhhh!

Aaahhh!

I'll be back!

Aaahhh!

Roaaarrr!

Ogrrre!

Ogre?

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Take it easy, horace, we're

Not gonna eat you.

You probably taste like

Spinach.

Roaaarrr!

Plans "a" and "b" got

A d-minus.

Plan "c" got an a-plus.

Sorry, fred, it'll never

Happen again.

Don't eat me!

Please don't eat me!

Please, please...

It was us, horace, me

And sheldon.

A kiddie pool, packing

Straw, on old basket...

Ogre!

Huh?

Aaahhh...

Horace!

Where's my bathrobe?

Horace!

Honest, eddie, I'll never

Blame you for nothin' again.

I mean it.

A-and I promise I'll never

Make fun of you again

For believing in...

Those things.

Hamburger...

Chocolate sauce...

Uh, yeah, sure, horace.

You're forgiven.

Don't forget the mosquito

Repellent.

Great.

Could ya hurry it up.

All finished.

You sure this is gonna keep

The augers away.

Ogres.

Guaranteed.

How long do I have to keep

It on for.

Hmm... Three or four days.

Thanks, guys.

Ah-ha-ha...

You see, what horace didn't

Know is that ogres never

Follow kids home.

The only thing sheldon's

Mixture was going to keep away

Was his friends, our parents,

Teachers, cats, dogs,

And fred.

Sometimes being a little

Brother has its upside.

So you see, eddie saved

His big brother from getting

Goblined up by playing a bluff

And winning hands down.

Hee-hee-hee!

Okay, forget everything else.

Whoever has the biggest hand

Wins.

I win!

Whoooaaa!

So until next shriek, boils

And ghouls, take

Scare... Wherever you can get

It.

Ah-ha-ha-ha...

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