01x09 - Fare Tonight

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[Scary laughter]

[Scary laughter]

Good evening, mystery

Fangs.

Tonight's terror tale is

A horror whodunit you can try

To solve right at holmes.

It's about a couple of sly

Sleuths who try to fiend out

Why people have been crying

Werewolf.

They set out sniffing around

For clues, try to scare up

A suspect to hound, and become

A howling success.

Hee-hee-hee!

I call it... "Fare tonight."

Aaahhh!

Aaahhh!

Spare me the theatrics,

Girls.

The romance movie's next door.

Aaahhh!

g*ng way!

Ha-ha-ha!

Cool!

That's the true test

Of a classic horror film,

Mildred... If you can see it

Over 40 times and still it

Seems fresh, still it offers

New insights, still it lends

Itself to exciting new

Interpretations.

Yeah, and you can go

To the washroom in the middle

Of it without missing a thing.

That too.

By the way, mildred, you can

Give back the fangs now.

I... I think they're stuck

To my braces.

Umm... Uhh.

I wonder if any real

Vampires come to see these

Films.

Camille, don't start.

Start what, mildred.

You know.

I love monster scares as much

As you, but I know it's all

Pretend.

Now who's starting.

We've had this discussion

About a zillion times,

Camille.

And again, until you have

Proof... Get out of town.

You're telling me you have

Proof?

I'm telling you to meet me

Tonight at the all nite bite.

Get out of town!

They're definitely,

Completely, totally stuck.

Great, my parents spend

A fortune on braces to correct

A minor overbite and I come

Home with fangs.

Aaah!

Whew!

[Gasp!]

I don't know why camille

Always wants to meet in such

A creepy part of town... With

Who knows what lurking

In the shadows.

Like... Like, newspapers

And tin cans and... Ooof!

Aaah!

Aaah... Vampire!

Where?

Aaah!

That camille!

Uh, hello.

Good evening.

Fine, thanks.

Y-you?

Now where's camille?

Camille, I ran all the way

Here.

Give me a slurp of your soda.

There must be a full moon

Tonight.

This place is filled with...

Creeps.

Aahhh!

I thought he was you.

Thanks.

You gonna tell me what this

Is all about.

I'll tell you everything,

Mildred, but you must be

Warned... This is not

For the faint-hearted.

Look.

I don't believe it!

Uncle mikey's puppet beano

The clown died?

Aw, that used to be

My favourite show.

Not that, mildred... That!

In the last three weeks,

There's been a series

Of strange sightings in this

Area.

Strange?

What kind of sightings.

Several witnesses say

They've been followed by a man

With wings.

[Gasp!]

Who seemed to just

Evaporate into thin air.

[Gasp!]

Who is also described

As being heavily toothed.

You really think it's

A... A...

A vampire!

Uhhnn!

Aah!

Heh-heh!

I'm getting too old for this

Job.

Cool.

As I was about to say,

There are no such things

As vampires.

Aaah!

Eugene!

Hi ya, girls.

Say, are you finished

With that paper?

The crossword?

You know me, king

Of the crosswords.

Gee, uncle mikey's puppet

Died.

How can a t.v. Show puppet

Die.

Ratings.

[Telephone ringing]

Eugene's low-cost budget limo.

Ride in style without spending

A pile.

Right away, sir.

Got a fare.

Gotta go.

See you later, camille.

Nice teeth, mildred.

Thanks a lot, eugene.

You're not telling me

Everything, are you, camille?

What are you up to?

Mmm... Just be at my house

Tomorrow after school.

And remember, this is not

For the faint of heart.

But there are no such

Things as real vampires, are

There?

[Ringing doorbell]

Hellooo... Camille?

Anyone home?

Strange.

Whoaaa!

Aah!

Aah!

Ha-ha-ha!

Jelly donuts, fake fangs...

And vampire videos.

You and your sister are just

The same.

Actually, so are me

And your sister.

Mildred, I'm upstairs!

But that's different.

We're older.

So is that it, camille?

You're trying to pass

Your baby sister off

As a vampire?

What's this?

It's by the world's

Foremost vampire tracking

Expert, professor b.l.

Sanguine.

Cool.

This book tells

You everything, I mean

Everything about vampires.

Look.

Wow, look!

It even shows you how to build

A... Whoa!

Vampire detector!

Where?

Shop class.

Oh, yeah?

Ta-da!

Where?

Shop class.

I made a bunch of them...

Christmas presents.

This is so great.

With this device, we can track

Down the vampire, find

His lair, wait until he's

Sleeping in his coffin, and...

Foom... We stake him!

Shouldn't we be leaving this

Sort of thing to

The professionals?

If there really is a vampire?

Nah!

French seams?

Yeah, and I

Blanket-stitched the back.

I guess home ec's still

Good for something.

Why do I have to carry

The garlic?

Because I have the vampire

Detector.

But I hate garlic.

It stinks, and I stink, too.

I smell like a meatball.

We've been walking in circles

For an hour and a half.

I don't think that thing is

Going to work, camille.

Of course it's going

To work, mildred.

I just to have adjust

The sensitivity levels.

You know, it doesn't look

Like anything like the picture

In the book.

Does your book say anything

About why vampires hang out

At donut shops?

Shhh!

I'm getting something.

Camille!

Not now!

I've got a fix on him.

Camille, I see him!

So do i!

No, I really see him!

He's... Getting

Into eugene's limo!

Eugene!

Stop!

Eugene!

Don't let him drink

Your blood!

What kind of a warning was

That?

I thought it was direct

And to the point!

We've gotta catch 'em!

Excuse me, sir, it was

Stoker street you said, wasn't

It?

Heh-heh... I mean, I don't get

Many fares to stoker street.

As a matter of fact, I don't

Get any, heh-heh.

It's just that there isn't

Much on stoker street... Except

Abandoned warehouses.

I-i mean, this whole area's

Like that.

Dead, you know?

Anyway, you're the boss.

I'm happy to take

You anywhere.

Ride in style without spending

A pile.

Heh-heh... Pretty good, huh?

I wrote it.

Got the stakes, mildred?

I got the garlic, camille.

Oh, I got the stakes,

Mildred.

Oops!

Camille!

Uh-oh!

Camille!

Sorry, mildred.

Hold on, mildred!

Huh?

Whoaaa!

Whoaaa!

Ever cinematic!

Oh, darn, I think we lost

Them!

There!

Mildred, arm yourself!

[Vampire detector beeping]

[Sniff, sniff].

Ughh!

Eugene?

[Beeping gets louder]

Stake him, camille!

Stake him!

Relax, mildred.

It's just the keys.

Eugene must have been

In a hurry.

Come on, we've got to find

Him before it's too late!

Mute mode so the vampire won't

Hear the detector.

Mute mode... Of course.

What's that?

Nothing.

What?

Never mind.

Huh?

Owww!

We've got a dozen wooden

Stakes, a pack full of garlic,

A state of the art vampire

Detector, but did we think

To bring a flashlight?

Owww!

What?

I said, owww!

Not so loud, mildred.

Look!

He's close... Very close.

I can't see anything.

Which way is he.

He's right above us.

Great, I suppose you want

To go up there.

I can just hear me saying,

"Hi, mom!"

Oh, by the way, I've joined

"The legions of the undead."

If this backfires, chances

Are, we'll be the only

Vampires in the 11th grade.

Although, I suppose we'll have

To transfer to night school.

[Gasp!]

Whoaaa!

Come on, mildred.

An old office, with a coffin.

He sleeps in his office,

Camille.

He must be very dedicated

To his work.

Camille, it's him!

This is our chance,

Mildred.

Stake him!

Me?

You stake him!

You made it, you stake him.

Oh, no, you're in charge

Of staking.

I've got the garlic.

I'll take the garlic.

No, I want the garlic.

But you hate the garlic.

It's grown on me.

[Gasps!]

Hmmm.

It's eugene!

All right, eugene!

Get him! Get that vampire!

Eugene!

Get him!

Get him!

Eugene is the vampire.

Apparently.

Hello, girls.

[Gasps!]

Good shot!

Ah-ha-ha!

Whoaaa!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Cool, buster keaton.

Drive, mildred, drive!

Seat belts.

What now?

I really shouldn't drive.

I don't have a license yet,

And my learner's permit has

Expired.

You've got a license, camille.

I think you should drive.

Aaahhh!

Switch!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I don't know about you two,

I but I'm working up a thirst.

Lock the doors!

Aah... Which button?

Tell me when I've got it.

Uh-oh!

That's it... Not it!

That's it... Not it!

That's it... Not it!

Here's eugenie.

Aaahhh!

Stop!

There, doors locked,

Windows shut.

We have the keys.

He can't get in, right,

Camille?

Wrong.

Huh?

Aaahhh!

Mildred!

Mildred!

Camille!

Mildred!

Camille!

Camille!

It's locked!

Aaah!

The sun.

The sun-roof!

Oops!

I'm... I'm...

Melting?

Poor eugene.

Camille!

Camille!

Camille!

Aaahhh... Ooof!

Camille, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Poor eugene, huh?

I'm sorry I ever doubted you,

Camille.

I doubt if I'll ever doubt

You again.

Come on, mildred, let's go.

Whoa!

Just what do you two think

You are doing?

Cowering.

Professor sanguini.

Huh?

Sanguine.

This is such an honour,

Professor.

Mildred, it's professor

Sanguini.

Sanguine.

This is a very dangerous

Business, vampire tracking...

Very dangerous.

You're telling us.

And it should always be

Left to the experts.

Yes, sir.

I'm sure you would have looked

After it if we hadn't

Interrupted you.

Yes, I was able

To determine the location

Of the vampire's lair.

But when I my vampire

Detector... Malfunctioned,

I couldn't identify

The monster.

So you decided to wait

For him here.

Precisely.

Not knowing that he was

In fact the driver.

Why didn't you just come

Back in the daytime and get

Him while he was sleeping?

Yes, i... Uh... I could have

Done that, but... Uh...

But... Uh...

But you were concerned

About the safety of the public

At large and wanted to dispose

Of the vampire as soon

As possible even though it

Meant risking your own life.

Precisely.

You know, the problem

With your vampire detector

Might be the hemoglobal tubing

In the third quadrant.

You don't say.

Solved quite easily

By replacing the pulmonary

Flange with the cardiotronic

Sensor.

I knew that.

I made the stakes.

Oh, how embarrassing.

It wasn't a werewolf after

All.

I was barking up the wrong

Tree.

Even so, you don't want

To make any mis-stakes when it

Come to vampires.

Who would have thought eugene

Would have been the one to go

Batty and try to put the bite

On mildred and camille?

You see, they almost learned

The hard way that...

Things are often not what

They scream.

Hee-hee-hee-hee...

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