01x28 - Absence of Malissa

[bunniefuu]

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who knows

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and when you carry the two the answer is

divisible by 1.935

which is the square root of the lowest

prime number

what was that

i thought i made it clear that there

were to be no cellular phone calls

received or made in this class

sabrina i am so disappointed in you but

you just earned a week's detention

let's see

who's behaving well

ah

gemini would you please go up and solve

the problem on the board

are you gonna stand for that

none of it was the national

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my anthem

pie

that blueberry stain's gonna be there

till her senior year

hey what's with you

that was primo oh it was okay but i

really wanted to do something huge like

make all her hair fall out

so if what you wanted to do is make all

her hair fall out why didn't you just go

for it because i can't do really big

magic like i don't have the power to

change major stuff

darn it if i had my full powers i could

have really zonked gem you did pretty

well you always do pretty are you

kidding my powers are totally pathetic

for a witch my age problem is i never

get to practice because i have to keep

it all a secret

well look on the bright side you're

always gonna be way ahead of me right

greetings family unit

what's up ah

a spellogram from the netherworld whoa

think maybe we won the poltergeist

clearinghouse sweepstakes no it's about

sabrina me what did i do it's not what

you did it's what you're going to do the

witches council has decreed that it's

time for you to go to camp wicca it's

boot camp part of every witch's basic

training all witches must complete their

training at camp wake up before their

16th birthday k*ller it's the first step

to qualifying for full witch hood great

this is going to be fun i'm so ready to

amp up my powers

camp wicca is two weeks of sheer t*rture

but if you don't successfully complete

it you'll never get your full powers

t*rture my drill instructor once made me

eat pinch bugs for breakfast plain i had

to collect all the rats feet for morning

spell practice by myself in an ice storm

well i don't care i'm looking forward to

it for the first time in my life i'm

gonna get to hang out with other kids my

own age who are just like me for once i

won't be the weirdo when do i leave one

transportation spell coming up

now i need to pack some outfits what you

need to bring is your wits niecy girl it

may be a little extra rough for you

you're probably the first half which

they've ever had at camp wicca they want

you to report right away but the good

news is the time is different in the

netherworld you can do two weeks there

and still be home in time for school

monday morning

i am so excited i'm finally on my way to

becoming a real witch this is gonna be

such a kick most of all it's gonna be a

lot of hard work and you're gonna need

to do what your mom always told you have

the courage to stick to it when things

get tough plus why didn't zelda i'm

gonna ace it one pair of dragons

one skull of a pirate now stand back

this is where we get jiggy

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spin in orbit like the sun spin until

you fuse as one

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next time you see me you're going to be

looking at the hottest thing that hit

the world of witches since bats in the

broomstick bye now right if you survive

bye make us proud

this is a little

spookier than i pictured it okay you're

not going to let this get you down

spelman you're here to conquer

dude hygiene look into it no regrets

report no

okay okay don't get your wart hairs in

the twist

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ah

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wow this isn't turning out exactly how i

expected

just me or is this whole look a little

busy salem what are you doing here just

thought i'd drop in to check up on you

and to mock your humiliation of course

trump

son

president your commanding officer

colonel obi olivia

thank you thank you uh captain

wait uh corporal oops i gave you a

little promotion there

okay cadets welcome to camp wicca your

gateway to witch hood

i can't believe how scared i am

me too my name's sabrina

spelman

pixelia potionson and upon graduation i

look forward to handing out the coveted

golden wart award to the best cadets

among you

i will aunt zelda and i'm gonna do it by

winning the golden ward now then uh i

think it's time for my nappy poo so i'll

turn you over to the young woman with

whom you will be spending every waking

minute for the next two weeks

your drill instructor captain melissa

forethought

that's the most hideous thing i've ever

seen well

what do we have here

why it looks like the biggest group of

losers i've ever seen i don't think any

of you stand the chance of completing

this training

got something to share worm

no not a thing i was

just spellman

oh wait

they told me you were coming

troops i don't believe i've introduced

you to the company oddball

private spelman here happens to be the

only half-witch ever to go through basic

training in the entire history of camp

what does that mean a half witch it

means my father is a warlock and my

mother is well immortal a mortal

so who do you live with witches or

mortals mortals mostly you live in the

mortal world

like how do you use your magic there

when do you get to act like a witch

well i've never actually met a half

witch before but i've heard they're all

the same

cowards and quitters

my cousin told me they don't wash and

they steal other people's spells

you and everybody like you give me a

crate how how can you say that you just

admitted you've never even met a half

witch before yeah

well i've heard all the stories and

there's no way i'm gonna let somebody

like you take her place in the ranks of

the true

broom writers

i got a hot tip for you

don't count on graduating i'm the one

who decides who passes and fails basic

training

if you don't successfully complete it

you'll never qualify to get your full

powers oh this is so not fair

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portals have a funny smell

sorry sabrina

mush mush i've always wanted to say that

i'm not in the mood for humor right now

okay salem if you want to help just turn

into a jeep and give me a ride just tisk

you shouldn't sass me seems i'm the only

one around here you can talk to

i know and i don't understand why i

thought i'd fit in here i thought i'd

make all kinds of new friends but nobody

will even get close enough for me to

talk to

they hate me they don't hate you they

haven't even met you they're buying into

all the stupid stereotypes so you gotta

show them who you really are and while

you're doing it you gotta keep your head

up high

that is

when you have clearance

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wow

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so

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all right worms get some food and don't

take forever i'm so starved what's for

dinner

this is boot camp you gotta conjure up

your own food oh no not more magic

pizza hut pizza

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pizza

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oh it seems the chef has prepared cold

cereal in a bag of chips

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well beats starving

huh

ew

what's happening

i changed it and if you were a real

witch you could change it back

now grab a seat

left right left right move those feet

your shoes are untied

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hmm

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salem help me with this transportation

spell i can't do it myself

sneak it home with your tail between

your legs all that does is prove her

point going home you are a coward and a

quitter look i'll get my powers okay

i'll i'll just have to explain things to

the witch's counsel

yeah right those old bats haven't given

anybody a break in 800 years face it

it's this or nothing

well then i guess it's nothing because i

can't stay here one more day now hand me

the poison oak yeah right

don't get me wrong i'm normally a big

fan of quitting but this isn't the way

to go you need to teach these people a

lesson what if she's right what if i'm

not good enough to be a real witch well

if she is then you're never gonna be

able to get yourself home are you what

is that

i'm improvising now stand back if you

don't help you don't get to criticize

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no no come on keep it together

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let me guess who's behind this little

shenanigan

well

look who's making a mess of a perfectly

simple transportation spell

if you wanted to go home you little wimp

all you had to do was ask i'd be more

than happy to send your sorry self

packing

you mean i can go home

on the lightning express

i can't wait to get rid of the daughter

of a warlock who was tacky enough to

hook up with a m*rder*r

that rips it nobody takes shots at my

parents my mom and dad are awesome both

of them and neither one of them would

ever run away from a clueless bully like

you

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and i'm not going to either

yeah

well then i'm gonna make your next six

and a half days a living nightmare

why don't you just hit the road

quitter and you're gonna need to do what

your mom always told you have the cards

to stick it out when things get tough

bring it on you overgrown iguana

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not only am i going to stay and graduate

from this camp but when i leave i'm

taking the golden wart with me

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[Applause]

we were all afraid but you actually had

the courage to stand up to her if all

half witches are like you sabrina they

must be completely amazing

you'll be sorry for

be this

good luck

i'll be rude for you

from home

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foreign

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so

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what a lovely neat punk spell man

too bad about what happened to it

all right worms

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time the colonel will be here any minute

nice try melissa but you're messing with

the wrong half witch here

well ladies it's it uh

an hour before inspection time

you got me up from my nap an hour early

do you pay for this

captain i'm going to get you spearmint

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excellent spirit manifestation spell

very scary

okay what would mom tell me stay calm

sabrina don't panic think

ghost spells replacing and repairing

improving and multiplying yes

ui

albert it's been forever to get your

ectoplasm over here

good show soldier those powers are

coming along nicely

that girl's really going places

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this camp isn't big enough for the two

of us spellman then go on a diet or a

thought you know this was coming

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oh playing rough are we

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do

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oh

watch out nice try green

why

why did you do that

how could you help me after all i've put

you through because the right thing to

do is to treat people like you'd want

them to treat you i learned that from my

mother the mortal she also taught me not

to judge other people before getting to

know them i don't know you very well but

i do know you're a k*ller at witchcraft

i think if we were friends there's a lot

i could learn from you how can you be so

nice to me like my mom and dad always

say

no matter what the outside looks like

inside most people you can usually find

something nice but you gotta take the

time to look

we are so proud of you sabrina major

ditto

it's okay chloe just a message from the

witch's council

sabrina it's for you

it's from melissa she says she thinks we

could be good friends and that she'd

love to come and visit sometime hey get

her to come now i mean who better to

really zap jim once and for all

hmm tempting but nah

i learned a lot about prejudice at camp

maybe underneath all of gem's meanness

there's a nice person waiting to be

discovered and just what do you think

the chances are of that being true um

i'm gonna have to get back to you on

that one salem

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