01x25 - Stage Fright

[bunniefuu]

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

Arr!

No!

Hmm.

Can we please lower the volume?

I was trying to take a cat nap.

-Yikes!
-I just got a hot tip.

The Witches Council is planning
a surprise checkup on me and Hilda.

They're sending Enchantra herself.

Yuck. Dust bunnies, take a hike.

Gotcha.

Dust bunnies:
Not just for breakfast anymore.

Huh? So why the cleanathon?

Don't you get it?

Enchantra's our so-called parole officer.

If she's not impressed
by what she sees...

...Hilda and I could get sentenced
to another century in these teenage bodies.

So you want her to think
that you and Hilda...

...have learned a lesson
about not abusing your magic...

...and would never think again
of using your magic recklessly?

Exactly.

Not a word, cat.

-Queen Hilda, a little help, please?
-I'm busy. Get Sabrina to help.

I can't.
She's still at auditions for the school play.

Yeah, Romeo and Juliet.

Farewell. One kiss and I'll--

Aah! No!

Hilda.

Zelda, I'm trying to pick a date
for the homecoming dance.

With 23 lucky contenders,
this is not an easy task.

Do you want Enchantra
to see a messy house?

Please. All I know is,
come time for the dance...

...I'm gonna have a date
and all you're gonna have...

...is a house that smells like pine.

- Like always.
- Oh, please.

I've had more than my fair share
of dates.

The only date you've had
in the last century...

...was with one Edgar Allan Poe.

And from what I remember....

Zelda, I feel so much freer being with you...

...than that cruel harridan
I call my other half.

You alone understand
the murky nether regions of my soul.

Martha, how ever did you find me here?

Don't be that way, Martha.

This human means nothing to me.

Check, please.

Face facts.
In this life, those of us who can date do.

Those who can't clean the house.

Oh, by this count...

...I shall be much in years
ere I again behold my Romeo.

-Get a grip, girl. It's only a play.
-You're right. You're right.

I just can't seem to get rid
of these butterflies in my stomach.

Uh, Ms. Spellman.

And make her airy tongue more hoarse
than mine, with repetition of "My Romeo!"

Juliet approaches balcony.

Oops, sorry. Little nervous.

It is my soul that calls upon my name.

Sorry, Mr. Sales.
That was Romeo's line.

That's okay, Sabrina.
You read with verve and passion.

I did? Cool.

I want to thank you all for auditioning,
some of you more than others.

The cast of characters is as follows.

The role of the nurse
will be played by Chloe Flan.

Huh?

- Great.
- Yeah, all right.

And the role of Romeo shall be essayed
by Harvey Kinkle.

- Oh, great. Yeah.
- Great.

Additional callbacks will be held
on Saturday for the role of Juliet...

...which currently is a dead heat
between Ms. Sabrina Spellman--

- Great. Yeah. All right.
- Yeah.

--and Ms. Gem Stone.

Yeah. All right.

And for the callback, Ms. Stone,
you may eschew the period costume.

I get the idea.

But, uh, go ahead and bring the jester.
I like him.

FYI, my little Juliets.

At the final callbacks,
equally important as a good reading...

...will be how well you understand
the true meaning of the play.

It's all about the international
language of love.

The part will go to whichever one of you
can best articulate the meaning of true love.

Run away now, children.
Your ignorance pains me.

Mm, here's a hot dancing daddy.

What do you think, Zeld?

I'd answer, but I'm too busy ignoring you.

There. All clean.

You look like something I dragged in.

-What's wrong?
-I got called back for Juliet.

Mr. Sales says he wants us
to figure out the meaning of love.

I'm 12 years old.
What do I know about love?

The meaning of love, huh?

Well, I've always pictured love
as a big field of daisies.

Ah! Like you know anything about love.

Around here, I'm the goddess d'amour.

Zelda's the one you ask
when you wanna clean a stubborn stain.

You just have to make everything
into a competition, don't you?

In a competition,
you have to have at least two teams.

You, big sister, were born to forfeit.

-Are you calling me a loser?
-With a capital "loo."

Okay, you're on.

I bet you I will have a date
for the dance...

...and I bet you he'll be way more
babealicious than yours.

-Deal.
-The usual bet?

Of course.

Loser has to go to school
wearing the rockhopper penguin suit.

She'll see. This time,
I won't be the one in the penguin suit.

-Want a snack?
-Get lost.

Yeesh, what a grump-alina.

Don't listen to them, Aunt Zelda.
I think you're high-grade babeage.

Thanks, honey, but the cat's right.
Hilda is a man magnet.

There's no way in the nine netherworlds
I'm gonna find a hunkier date than her.

Let's check out your copy of the play.

Maybe I can at least help you
with your problem.

Well, hello, hottie.

Sabrina, why didn't you tell me
this Romeo was a total stud?

Oh, maybe because he's,
I don't know, fictional.

Fictional schmictional.

He'd make one totally nectar date
for the homecoming dance.

Oh, no.

If I walk into the dance with Romeo...

...I would smoke Hilda
like the waddling penguin she is.

Uh, wouldn't that be cheating?

Well, if Romeo were here,
he could also help you with your audition.

Yeah.

Then I'd be sure to soliloquize
the designer pants off Gem.

Time to dip into my private magic stash.

It is Romeo that I do wish to see
Wherefore art thou?

In my kitchen be

Ah, to soar with his light feathers,
and so bound...

...I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe.

-Under love's heavy burden do I sink.
-Huh?

Ah, sweet mother of Shakespeare.

You low-down dirty witch.

How dare you cheat to win the bet?

You're just jealous
you didn't think of it first.

Earth to Zelda.

If Enchantra sees him...

...she'll give us another hundred years
in these zit-riddled bodies for sure.

- Enchantra? Enchantra's coming?
- Yes.

Or did my dippy sister
forget to mention that little detail?

Send him back now!

It is but the fiery temper of your soul
that has found me riddled with love.

Well, maybe he can stay
for a little while.

Mm, springy.

What about me,
you puffy-sleeved traitor?

- I brought you here.
- Come what sorrow can.

It cannot countervail
the exchange of joy...

...that one short minute gives me
in your sight.

Hold the phone, hot tights.

A second ago, you were in love with me.
What gives?

Poison, mine only friend.

So deserved for bringing such grief
to such great beauty.

Farewell!

Romeo? That was a root beer.

Oh.

You can use the door, you know.

Who requires doors
when traversing love's sweet portal?

Yeah, love.
I wanted some help on that very subject.

Tell me about love. What does it mean?
How would Juliet describe it?

Love?

It turns her lips
into two blushing pilgrims...

...standing ready to smooth the rough heart
with a tender kiss.

Oh, yeah.
Nothing says romance like a pilgrim.

- Romeo, Romeo.
- Ah!

Did you sleep well?

How could I not with you in my dreams,
fair Hilda?

Oh, you. How about breakfast?

Just a little something I whipped up.

You're not really serving Romeo
that warmed-over witch slop, are you?

- Hey.
- How would you like to take a ride...

...in my F1-63,000?

It's turbocharged,
complete with limited-edition racing stripes.

Let us tickle the senseless rushes
with our heels.

No matter what era they're from,
boys love toys.

Did I mention there's 200 dragonpower
of suction under the hood?

Wow, that's some powerful engine.

It's not me. It's somebody
from the Witches Council arriving.

Enchantra. Nice of you to drop in.

It's your lucky day, darlings...

...because you two have been so good...

...mm, mm, mm,
about not abusing your magic.

Salem, honey, how long's it been
since you've had a distemper shot?

I think it might be time
for a long, slow visit to the vet.

Heh. Excuse me. Dust ball.

Exsqueeze me?

Attention back on the most important
person in the room, please.

As I was saying, the Witches Council,
of which I am the boss...

...has generously decided
to grant you and your sister...

...early release
from those horrid teenage bodies.

Ow.

- What was that?
- Just the cat.

-Aah!
-See?

Enchantra,
thank you for bringing us the news.

I know how busy your social calendar is.

I'll be back in a few days
to reverse the spell...

...and we'll all have
a big celebration dinner.

Oh, PS, I may be dropping in
to check up on you...

...so behave.

Boy, that was close.

We've gotta get rid
of the Eliza-beefcake fast.

-I found a spell.
-Ah.

Now it's time to say goodbye
To present company

Say farewell to this fair day
Go back to what ye be

-Huh?
-Huh?

Nice work.
We're doomed and it's your fault.

Look, if you weren't so obsessed
with having to outdo me all the time...

...I never would've conjured him up.

You deserve it.

You're the one who's always,
"I'm Zelda, blah, blah, blah.

I'm mature and wiser
because I'm older."

I hate that.

Like I always say,
never send a witch to do a cat's job.

-You forgot to read the fine print.
-What fine print?

This spell only works during a full moon.

So, what do we do with Romeo
for the next three days?

-This will never work.
-We've gotta make him blend in.

We'll be doing the puberty polka
for the next 300 years...

...if Enchantra finds out
we've been abusing magic again.

-What do you mean, "we"?
-Don't be so literal.

Okay, pop quiz. Who are you again?

Monty Labinowitz,
your exchange student from Detroit.

You can take the boy out of Verona....

Oh, parting is such sweet sorrow.

That new guy is more sensitive
than Johnny Depp.

Huh?

Capulets, put up your swords!

Hey.

You know not what you do.
I do but keep the peace.

Oh, farewell, fair ball.

Thou may have lost the battle,
but thou hast won the game.

What a dreamboat.

Guess what.

I may have a shot at playing Juliet
after all.

Romeo promised to be my partner
at the callbacks tonight.

-What?
-What? No, no, no.

Romeo said he was taking me
to the dance tonight...

...before the full moon comes out.

Wait a minute,
he said the same thing to me.

-That two-timing lowlife.
-Three-timing lowlife.

Enchantra!

Uh-oh, where's Romeo?

Well, what do we have here?

Such beauty I have never seen.

The all-seeing sun never saw thy match
since first the world begun.

Oh, you devil, you. Behave.

Listen, girls, Monty and I are going
to head out for a little romantic dinner.

Be back late. Real late.

Well, may as well zap us back
before you head out.

You know, get it out of the way
so you can have some fun.

Oh, I couldn't possibly even think...

...about performing an elaborate incantation
right now.

The transformation spell can wait.

But think of all the free time you'll have
once that silly spell is done.

I said, no!

Shall we, pudding? Tra-la, darlings.

All's well that ends well.

Very funny, ladies.

We'll have the Casanova Crab Cakes,
the Cleopatra Paella...

...and for dessert,
the Warren Beatty Baklava.

Eh, but of course, madam.

Oh, Enchantra, you steal love's sweet bait
from fearful hooks.

Ha, ha. Boy, you sure talk the talk.

Can we please get this show
on the road?

I'm gonna miss my callbacks.

If Enchantra finds out her new mack daddy
is a fictional character...

...we're all in deep witch water.

-We need to create a distraction.
-Leave it to me.

Are you sure? We can't blow our cover.

This needs to be a surgical strike.
Quick, clean, and above all, subtle.

I am the queen of subtle.

Ah, yes, Hilda, that was very subtle.

Something fishy
is definitely going on here.

This ridiculous stunt has witch prints
all over it.

If hiding witches is the case
Let me see them face to face

Oh, hi, Enchantra.

Just thought we'd pop in
and see if you needed anything.

Melted butter?

You've got two seconds to tell me
what's going on here...

...before I turn you into poached salmon.

Oh, mischief, thou art swift to enter
into the thoughts of desperate men.

Well, ladies?

Well, in a nutshell,
Monty is really a Montague...

...as in Romeo Montague
from the Shakespeare play.

How dare you make a fool of me?

Letting me throw myself
at a fictional character.

If it makes you feel any better,
we threw ourselves at him too.

And we knew he wasn't real.

Just nominate us
for the old Wet Tea Bag Award.

It's been too long, but now's the time
Return to where they speak in rhyme

Arms, take your last embrace.

And now for your punishment.

I sentence the two of you
to spend another 500 years as teenagers.

-May I say one thing?
-But of course, darling.

I'm the one who's been abusing magic,
not Hilda.

Zelda. Shh.
Don't make it worse for yourself.

I conjured up Romeo...

...and Hilda was just helping me
cover up my crime.

It's all my fault, and it's only fair
that I should serve both our punishments.

Let me get this straight.

You're willing
to sacrifice your well-being...

...and endure hundreds of years
of suffering...

...all to spare your sister?

Well, uh, yeah, I guess so.

Self-sacrifice? What a touching novelty.

Very well.

Zelda, your attempt at nobility
amuses me.

I offer you this compromise:

three additional years' probation
for you both...

...and you both have to dress up
like rockhopper penguins.

Ah, thank goodness.

That's great. Ha, ha.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Sales.

Good of you to join us, Ms. Spellman.

Now the callback can begin.

I'm going to do something
a little radical tonight.

Instead of lines...

...I want both potential Juliets
to tell me...

...what the play is really about
in your own words.

Color me Juliet, jester dude.

Well, in my own words...

...with no help whatsoever
from the Shakespearean scholars...

...that my extremely wealthy father hired:

"The theme of love in this play...

...means the desperate measures
to which one soul will pursue...

...such infinite depths
of undying affection."

Oh, well, plagiarized, Ms. Stone.

Thank you, Mr. Sales.

Love is, um....

That is to say....

Love is a willingness to sacrifice everything
for another person...

...be it a boyfriend, a friend or a sister.

Love is caring about them
more than yourself...

...even when it might hurt sometimes
to do so.

My Aunt Zelda taught me that.

Then move not,
while prayer's effect I take.

Thus from my lips, by thine,
my sin is purged.

Heh, heh. How'd that get in there?

Heh, heh. Freaks.