03x03 - w*r Chest

[bunniefuu]

The following programme contains
strong language and violent scenes.

QUANE: His wound is not healing.

DIVIS: What if he dies?

Does the prophecy say
the chosen one catches up

and cuts the Veran's throat?

We have entered a new
age. An age so dark

the words of the prophets
can no longer be seen.

HEMPLE: You have
gone a bit soft here.

You underestimate
me at your peril.

I'm Aulus f*cking Plautius!
Then where is she?

The girl had a sister.

I want you to go
and talk to her.

She's dead.

I'll go to the underworld.

But if we are gonna work together,
there has to be some ground rules.

You don't eat anyone
without my say so.

Agreed.

ANTEDIA: I was born sweet
and cheerful, and I changed.

Your Majesty. [CHOKES]

[LAUGHING] ANTEDIA:
Brace yourselves.

[FIRE ROARING / PEOPLE SCREAMING]
Can you hear me, Aulus Plautius?

I'm coming for you!

She's on to you.

He may buy all of
this, but she doesn't.

My name is Lucius.

I know who you are.

It was you. [SKIN
BURNING / MAN SCREAMING]

Cait!

You can't escape
this! None of us can!

QUANE: Whatever is unfolding,
it is not yet written.

She won't desert us.

QUANE: How can you be sure?

DIVIS: Because I know her.

[HORSE SNORTING / DOG BARKING]

[HORSES WHINNYING]

No, no, no, no, no.
It's the left one.

No, Dad, it's the middle one.
Look, I know what I'm doing.

It's there. I saw it.

Ugh. Dad, I told you
it was the middle.

It was the bloody middle!

Again?

You can choose two.

[RUMBLES CONTEMPLATIVELY]

You sure?

Shame.

[HE YELLS ANGRILY] Anyone
else want to try their luck?

I'll give it a go.

Always like to gamble. Mm.

This one.

Oh, beginner's luck.

Another? Why not?

I saw you out on the road
about three days ago.

Did you? You don't remember?

This one.

Hmm.

Another.

I'm sure it was you.

You stopped, stared
at me and then said,

"What are you staring at?"
What were you staring at?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. You're
not very good at this, are you?

Do you want to gamble or not?

Can you cover this?

Easily. I don't see it.

Buried. Out there.
Oh, that's smart.

You win, I'll take you to it.

Damn right you will.

MAN: How much is
that? MAN 2: Shh!

This is almost painful, but...

Wait.

Well, come on, sweet cheeks.

Let's see the lady.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Oh, f*ck!

Keep it. Oh, go f*ck yourself.

Why don't you?

Cos that's the way it's ever
gonna happen, you ugly old b*tch.

[SHE GRUNTS]

Everyone take a step back.

Game's over.

You gonna take that?
c*ck ponces!

Ugly old b*tch? It
worked, didn't it?

Yeah, yeah, sweet
cheeks. Mm-hmm.

Yeah! Come on!

♪ T. Rex, "Children
of the Revolution" ♪

♪ Yeah!

♪ Well, you can bump and grind

♪ It is good for your mind

♪ Well, you can twist and shout

♪ Let it all hang out

♪ But you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No, you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No, no, no

♪ Well, you can tear a plane

♪ In the falling rain

♪ I drive a Rolls Royce

♪ Cos it's good for my voice

♪ But you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No, you won't fool the
children of the revolution

♪ No, no, no

♪ Wooo-hooo! ♪

I did it! I did it!

Once you get the first
bit, it all flows.

Look, it's finished. My
new friend here helped me.

It's good, right?

[SMASHING]

Everyone's a critic.

Who are you? I'm Rain.

Cool name, hmm? Shut it, gaunt.

We're the White Ravens. We were
summoned as guardians of the Veran.

Veran doesn't have guardians.

He hasaguardian.

Or did. Now he has an arrow.

Yeah, that's right.

Veran's arrow.

Right here.

Right there is my novice.

Don't, don't, don't
kneel. Just...

Well, OK, it's fine.

Forgive the misunderstanding,
Great Arrow.

It is the new Veran I guard.

The what?

Poor thing.

Poor, poor thing.

And you, Veran?
The time has come.

You have travelled many
times to the underworld.

That is useful to us now. What?

Do you know how to prepare
for the deep sleep?

How to prepare the Veran?

"The" deep sleep.

Has it come to this? The
new Veran is prepared.

Can you do it?

[SIGHS]

[HORSE NEIGHING AT A DISTANCE]

You understand your task?

I do.

Good.

Now go.

High Priestess.

[COOING]

[WHISPERING]

[SOLDIERS CHANTING]

HIGH PRIESTESS: You summoned me.

Indeed. I have devised
a list of rules.

One, you and your friends
are to remain indoors

after the hours of darkness.

Two, under no circumstances

are you to approach, speak to,

or fraternise with any
of the serving men.

Three, your, erm, attire.

We'd appreciate
it if you adopted

a more sober style of dress.

Something akin to this,
uh? Help you blend it.

Local customs. Send
the right message.

[WOMEN WHISPERING] Hey, hey.

No, no, no whispering.

Hey, stand over here
where I can see you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

OK.

Now, have I made myself clear?

Can I try it on? What?

I like it.

Can I try it on?

Sure. [PRIESTESS CHUCKLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

AULUS: General, quick word
about the new arrivals.

I'm a little bit worried about the
effect they're having on the men.

Oh, Widicus, Widicus, Widicus.

I've tried to tell her over
and over, but does she listen?

Yeah, I'm a Roman general,
I'm here to do a job.

YELLING: I am trying to
build a f*cking empire here!

Quell an insurgent populus.

Not bring your f*cking
wife to work day, is it?

Are you married?

Ay... Helen.

And where is Helen?

Back home with
the kids. Exactly!

Hey, will you do me a
favour? Anything, General.

The next time you see my wife,

you tell her exactly
what you've just told me.

Right. Be firm, tell
her what's what.

Don't hold back, because
I've got a feeling

that she will listen to you.

Leave it with me. Thanks, mate.

Oh, and Widicus. Sir?

You just tell me how
that goes, will you?

Mm-hmm.[LAUGHS]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Oh!

We were just talking about the
underworld and your return to it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop!

What's wrong?

Excuse us.

First of all, that is my
witch. Bought and paid for.

What is the reason for
this... You stay out of this.

To find a sister, Islene.

Get her to lean on the
girl. The Chosen One.

Right. Anybody else
you want to tell?

I presume she's told
you about the dangers.

Oh, dear, bit
trembly-wembly? Oh, piss off.

Knocking knees, scaredy sparrow.

You were perfectly
fine last time.

You know nothing of last time.
Give me a day to prepare.

Hear that? Witch says, "Yay."

You're cleared for entry. You
do not enter the underworld.

The underworld enters you. Ouch!

Save your breath -
I've heard it before.

Veran spoke the truth.

Relax, Witch.
Aulus is a big boy.

Then I shall prepare,
as should you.

Spill it then. Spill what?

Why are you being
such a chickeny boots?

What happened last time
to give you the willies?

Nothing. Exactly.

Or you'd have told me.

Say, for example,

you started seeing things.

Things from your past,
things which haunt you.

You wouldn't keep something as
important as that to yourself.

You simply wouldn't dare.

How could I?

There is nothing I
can hide from you.

Splendid.

Then I suggest you calm
down, man up and prepare.

ANTEDIA: One for
me. [COINS JINGLING]

One, two for you.

One for me and one, two for you.

CAIT: I don't mind down the
middle. No, no, we shook.

It was your plan.

You're the one with
the skills, though.

But may I give you
just a little tip?

The fastest way to
get gold out of a man

is to make him think he's
getting one over another man.

Imagine a queen has two suitors.

If she goes on to A about how
much gold B is lavishing on her,

it makes A jealous.

Before long, they're
both lashing it around.

Then you simply flay them
both alive and take the lot.

I think I could
learn a lot from you.

That's just basic diplomacy.

But, right now,
I'm on a mission.

What mission? Oldest one of all.

Revenge. On who?

A man. Well, there's a surprise.

I trusted him and
he betrayed me,

and I lost... everything.

I'm going to find him, and I'm
going to exact glorious vengeance.

Big plans don't come cheap.

First, I need my w*r chest.

w*r chest?

Yeah, like queens have when they
really want to f*ck up an enemy.

See, my big plans have
several different phases.

Phase one, emancipation.

Also known as m*rder three
in-bred butt-f*ck,

steal their horse
and get the hell out.

And this, this is phase two,

Operation w*r Chest.

So it's like a quest.

Yeah, I like that. My quest.

I don't like quests.
I'd rather just be.

Be what? Search me.

No, no, no, search yourself,

because that's where
you'll find it.

Not out here, but in there.

[MAN SHOUTING IN THE DISTANCE]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Patrol.

I don't expect you to join me.

Just as soon as I get
enough scratch together,

then we can go
our separate ways.

And when I find him,

and as I'm looking in his eyes

as I'm about to feed him his
remaining testicle, I'll say,

"This one's for Maggie, a
young girl I met on the road.

She helped me do this."

Thanks.

What is it?

The new Veran. He's very

small.

They always are.

Can't believe it's over.

It may be, my son.

It may be.

There will be other Verans.

But what power will they have?

QUANE: When the first
man was vanquished,

he fell into the Lake of Tears

and the underworld was born.

From this darkness sprung light.

Light to light the way.

Now the flame flickers.

The way ahead darkens.

Until the day comes when
the sun does not rise,

the earth lies black,

the rivers stilled,

Permanence will pass,

and in its place an
endless, soundless void.

All our prayers, our sacrifices

will be silent screams,

bellows into nothing.

A sea of blood will
not bring it back.

We will have failed the Earth,

we will have failed the sun,

we will have failed the
river, the wind, the trees.

We will have failed our dead.

We will have failed
our children.

We will have failed

what comes after.

Blood.

Only blood.

MAN: Have you never
asked yourself

why I let you into
the underworld?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[FIRE RAGING]

You think you understand
this game, rogue?

WOMAN: It looks shiny.

Shiny or slippery?

[WOMAN MOANS] Like
a newborn baby.

Our baby.

[AULUS GASPS]

MAN: Our baby.

Bad luck, boys. [MEN LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[WOMAN GROANS] No!

We need to go. Not yet.

Over there, in the corner.

Massive purse around his belt.

Are you ready?

You lead. I'll follow.

♪ The Zombies, "Time of the Season"
♪ It's the time of the season... ♪

Evening, treacle.

Are you buying?

What are we toasting?

Friends on the road.

Huh. If you like.

♪ And let me try it
with pleasured hands ♪

Oh, you'll know the name.
Surprise! It's Ravenhead.

I'm in oil. Oil?

Lamp oil. Finest lamp
oil in the territory.

An oil man, how wonderful!

What brings you to these parts?

Two fine horses and a
shared reckless spirit.

Pretty reckless yourself,
taking that amount.

You mean this, or... this?

Take your pick,
sweetie. [MAN LAUGHS]

♪ Has he taken [Has he taken]

♪ Any time [Any time to show]

♪ To show you what
you need to live... ♪

I disguise the cargo

as something far less valuable.

Turnips.

Turnips. How clever! Genius!

♪ Of the season for loving ♪

Off you go. Enjoy yourselves.

[LAUGHTER]

Whoa! Not so fast!

Take this off first. Yeah. Oh.

You leaving too, love?

Suck my c*ck!

You little tart!

[STRUGGLING] What's this?

Hazelnut.

Look very, very closely.

Here you go.

What is that?

♪ What you need to live ♪

This cart of yours.

My secret archive.
Mm. That's the one.

Where is it?

♪ ... Of the season for loving ♪

Turnips. Turnips.

You're a fast learner.

[WHIPS]

[SOBS]

I love you!

Rome would meet with
the Veran again.

Go yourself.

Buy time.

They cannot suspect
what happens here.

[VERAN MOANS] Be
at peace, brother

if that is what calls you.

ANTEDIA: Do you have any
idea what this is worth?

CAIT: I don't even
know what lamp oil is.

We burn pig fat in buckets.

I'll tell you what lamp oil is.

It's phase three
of the big plan.

What? Whoa!

I need a slash.

[SHE BREATHES HEAVILY]

[HORSES NEIGH AND
MEN CALL IN DISTANCE]

There's a better road
below through the valley.

We're safer up here.

How would you like
to have to carry

a truly beleaguering weight of
silver by this time tomorrow?

Thought so.

Change of plan, horsey.

You straying far?

We're oil traders. WHISPERS:
What are you doing?

We heard there's a
Roman camp nearby.

SOLDIER: What sort of oil?

Top quality lamp oil.

Six dozen jars - and a fair
price for your quartermaster.

My daughter, Ivy.

Shy.

Don't worry, darling.

SOLDIER: Come on, you lot.

WHISPERS: This is a bad idea.
WHISPERS: Trust me, Maggie.

Ivy. Ivy.

After this, we'll be
living like queens.

What?

WIDICUS: What are
you doing here?

I summoned the other one.

The general's wife.

You summoned Hemple? [CHUCKLES]

What's so funny?

Let's pretend you
summoned me instead.

Here I am.

Summoned.

I'd appreciate it if
you and your friends

could keep your activities
to a bare minimum,

out of sight and
earshot. [CHUCKLES]

And you are not to
speak to the men

or touch any of the men.

You've got nice eyes...

Thank you... And mouth.

I'm married. We know.

Helen. Back home, with the kids.

How did you know about that?

Is she a good mum?

She's the best.

Bet she is, back home,

while you're here,
doing your duty.

Is she a good wife?

She's... excellent.

I can be Helen.

Oh. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

[HORSES NEIGH]

No smoke, no stink. Top notch.

Why haven't I seen you before?

We're new to these parts.

Just like you.

Who'd you say you worked for?

We didn't. We're free agents.

Free agents, huh?

If your Emperor can't afford
the best, don't waste our time.

Come on, Ivy. They
don't want it. Let's go.

Sixty pieces a jar. [SHE LAUGHS]

A hundred.

Sixty-five.

Dear, dear, dear, dear... 95.

Our centurion's away. He
doesn't return until morning.

Without his authority,
I can't go above 70.

So 70's my final offer.

Your centurion's away?

Here's our final offer.

His quarters, his food,
his wine, his bed.

And, in the morning, we'll shake
on 70. Take it or leave it.

I can't do that.

And I'll throw in an extra jar

just for you.

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh!

Are you nuts?

This is a Roman stockade.

And this is Roman wine.

We should've taken 60.

And missed my first
decent bed in years? Mm.

Life lessons, darling.

Always add some
sprinkles to the bun.

I'm not happy.

You're very welcome to leave.

Aah! You have to admit,

it's better than
the back of a cart.

First light. Huh?

We leave at first light.

Deal.

[PIGEONS COOING]

What did you mean last time

when you said I was your baby?

[SIGHS] My baby.

That's what you
said. You and Veran.

You're shaking.

Just do it.

[PEOPLE YELLING MERRILY]

Who's gonna get
me another drink?

Thought there were
gentlemen around here.

I am a gentleman -
around here. [LAUGHS]

[CHATTER FADES / CAIT
BREATHING HEAVILY]

MAN: Hey, watch out.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Quartermaster, come with me.

Come.

That's Hercules...

No, it's not.

It's Epona.

Who's Epona when
he's at home? She.

The horse goddess, and she is.

She is what? At home.

Unlike me.

So who's this Hercules then?

Hercules... stole the
Girdle of Hippolyta.

Queen of the Amazons.

If you say so.

What's your name?

Listen, if you're
looking for, you know...

I like boys.

Yeah?

Ivy. Caius.

Your mum's fun.

She's not my mum.

We met on the road. Hmm. Is
that when you became a thief?

A thief, and a liar.

You stole that oil cart.

I was at the tavern.
Saw the whole deal.

Took some real ba*ls trying to
sell it to our Quartermaster.

He'd love to know.
Do you reckon?

He'll have your oil
and flay you for fun.

Yeah, I wouldn't...
I'm trained to k*ll.

Lucky for you I'm rubbish at it.

Plus, our Quartermaster's
a total w*nk*r.

Come on, don't be shy!

Oh, go and get a drink, boys.

I'll take it from here.

I've got something very
special in here for you.

Nice and comfy in here.

Good boy.

Well, are you coming in?

[WHACK] Thank you.

So you won't tell anyone?

I've met real thieves.
And you are not one.

So what am I? You're a bit lost.

Like me.

I think you may be right.

The worst part is,
I can't tell anyone.

You just told me.

Do you ever see things?
Things that aren't real.

Like what?

I don't know. Sorry.
Stupid question. Forget it.

I said I was lost, not mad.

Whenever I am lonely...

I look up there and I pick one.

I send a message home.

To Mum.

Let her know I'm
thinking about her.

And that I'm alright.

And I know she hears it.

She hears it.

I've really gotta go.

There's a northern boy
I'm trying to pull,

and he is just about drunk
enough. [SHE CHUCKLES]

It was nice meeting you.

Wish me luck.

Good luck to you, too...
wherever you're going.

[JAR SMASHING]

[MEN YELLING MERRILY]

Dad... I miss you.

I miss everyone.

It's been a long road,
but I've found someone.

And she's taking
good care of me.

[CART APPROACHING]
[ANTEDIA YELLS]

Oh, no.

[EXPLOSIONS]

MOUTHING: Oh, f*cking hell.

[MAN SCREAMING]

[ANTEDIA YELLS]

Aulus Plautius,
I'm coming for you.

[CHANTING IN LATIN]

So I'm your baby, am I?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[PANTING]

Wait! Islene.

You have a sister
in the other world.

Where is she?

You wish to visit the dead,

to know the way?

This way, my child.

This way.

ISLENE: Our beautiful child.

[GASPS]

[KNOCKING] [HE GASPS]

[KNOCKING]

Hello?