Narrator: Previously, on "Childrens Hospital"...
Blake: Dori, that was a little intimate.
Dori: Oh, I don't think I'll get pregnant from that.
Blake: Let me guess. You're pregnant.
Dori: Yeah. I'm sorry.
Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.
Owen: No!
Dori: What?
That is so complicated.
Glenn: Do you remember Detective Chance Briggs, Owen's former partner on the police force?
Cat: Uh, I think so.
What, he has brown hair and a mustache?
Briggs: Anybody up for a mustache contest?
I win.
Cat: What about him?
Glenn: I don't know.
Just something to keep in mind, I guess.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
5.02 - Triangles
Sal: Attention!
Staff, that is all.
Owen: Hey, Dori.
Where you headed?
Dori: Oh, I'm taking Willy into the city.
He's never had soup noodles.
Owen: Oh. Well, Osaka is a very dangerous town.
I could be your escort.
Who knows? We might even enjoy each other's company.
I've been told I make a pretty great escort, like the Ford Motor Corporation.
Dori: The Escort was discontinued in 2003.
Owen: Right. Got me good. [ Chuckles ]
You are so smart.
Dori: Blake!
Um, I'm taking our son into the city.
Did you get my e-mail?
Blake: Uh, I don't know.
I don't really open e-mails from people like you.
I mean, I'm a doctor.
You get it.
Dori: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Owen: Love those bangs.
Dori: Oh.
Blake: Hey, listen.
Um, here's 30,000 yen.
I mean, buy him a taco or something, okay.
Willy: Want to come into the city with us, Mr. Dad?
Blake: Well, I would, because we're technically family, but, I mean, you get it.
Dori: Come on, honey.
Blake: Hmm.
Na.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Willy: I have to pee.
Dori: Sounds like someone has to go pee.
Let's go.
Willy: I can go by myself.
Dori: Okay, honey.
Just be careful.
And remember to tap your pee-pee!
Willy: I pre-tapped it!
Dori: Okay.
Willy: [ Whistling ]
[ Door opens ]
[ Men arguing in Japanese ]
[ Gasps ]
Dori: But, officer...
Dori: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying.
Engel: Maybe I can be of some assistance here.
My name is Detective Chuck Engel.
My partner and I are here as part of an international cop exchange program.
Dori: Partner? I don't see any partner.
Briggs: That's because you weren't looking in this direction.
If we're gonna catch those mean man, we need to know exactly what you saw.
Willy: [ Gulps ]
Briggs: My word. That's urine. Pure.
Son, those men... are they the murderers or are you just peeing in your pants because you pee in your pants?
Willy: I've had a lot of sports drinks today, but in this case, murderers.
[ Beep ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Kaiju: Police Chief Kaiju.
Briggs: Chief Kaiju. It's Briggs.
I know who did it.
It's Gojira and Mosura.
The kid took one look at 'em and peed in his pants.
Kaiju: Uh, did my name come up?
Briggs: No. Why?
Kaiju: I just want to make sure I wasn't under suspicion in any way.
Briggs: No. Like, why would you even ask that?
Kaiju: Forget I mentioned it.
Hey, Briggs someone's at the door. Will you hold on a sec?
[ Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Speaking Japanese ]
Kaiju: Briggs, I'm back. Wrong number.
Briggs: Chief, while I was on hold with you, Gojira and Mosura got a phone call and then ran off.
Briggs: Kinda weird, huh?
Kaiju: Yes and no.
What about you, Briggs?
Where do you live?
What's your exact address?
Briggs: I live at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Get your stuff! We're getting out of here now!
Engel: Wait! Damn it, Briggs! What the hell is going on?
Briggs: I need to disappear.
Watch your back, partner.
Engel: Wait, did you say, "Watch your black partner?"
How am I suppose to respond to that?
Briggs: No, I said, "Watch your back, partner," although I can definitely see how it sounded like "black" to you.
Engel: No, that's a funny misunderstanding.
Especially considering you do have a black partner.
Briggs: Right. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]
Engel: I don't think I can operate without you, Briggs.
Briggs: Try, Engel.
Engel: No, I'm serious...
Briggs: I said try, Engel.
Come on.
Owen: Dori! You're back!
I was worried sick about you!
Briggs: Don't worry.
She's safe in my capable yet calloused hands.
Owen: Detective Chance Briggs.
You plus-sized woman's panty set!
What's my old partner doing here?
[ Both chuckle ]
Briggs: Put 'er there.
Dori: You guys were cops together?
Owen: Yeah, and we went to the same college.
Who would have thought a couple of Oberlin grads would end up carrying badges?
So what are you doing here, old boy?
Briggs: Well, let's just say that I need a place to hide.
Both: "That I need a place to hide."
Owen: But surely you can't be serious.
Briggs: I am serious...
And don't ever question my seriousness.
Dori: Please, Dr. Maestro.
If they find Willy, they'll k*ll him, too.
Briggs: What do you say, old friend?
Help us out?
Owen: Well, you're gonna need a disguise.
Come with me.
Congratulations, Private Briggs!
You're in the United States army now.
Briggs: All right.
Kaiju: Where's Briggs?
'Cause there's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426 then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard.
It's a sham address.
Engel: Look, I told you. He didn't tell me anything.
Kaiju: Watch your back.
Engel: Did you say, "Watch your black"?
What's that supposed to mean?
Kaiju: I said, "back."
I've just got kind of a wonky accent, so it sounded like I said "black", but I said "back."
Engel: I gotcha. I gotcha.
[ Radio tuning ]
[ Slow music plays ]
[ Door opens ]
Dori: Hi.
Briggs: Hi.
Dori: I brought you a piece of pie and some Doritos and two slices of watermelon.
Briggs: Triangle-shaped foods. My favorite.
Dori: Thank you, Detective Briggs, for all that you've done for us.
Folks usually aren't so nice to me and Willy.
Broadcaster: Here's an oldie for all you lovers out there.
Dori: Oh, I love this song!
I watched Owen lose his virginity to this song at Oberlin.
Dori: Cool.
Briggs: Can you just keep it down for a second?
Dori: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.
Briggs: Would you to care to dance, my lady?
Dori: I would love to.
Briggs: Can you feel it?
My erection?
Dori: I haven't had a man in so long.
Take me! Take all of me!
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Dori: Yeah! Chance!
Briggs: Shh!
Dori: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Sal: Attention staff, Chance Briggs.
That is all.
[ Ringing ]
Kaiju: Moshi moshi.
Owen: Yes, I have some information on the whereabouts of Detective Chance Briggs that you may be very interested in.
Willy: Mommy, I heard weird noises last night.
Is everything okay?
Briggs: Your mom and I were making love, son.
Willy: What does "making love" mean?
Dori: Umm, it's... it's kind of hard to explain, honey.
Briggs: Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.
Dori: You know when mommy tries to put a Pringles can down the disposal?
Willy: I don't understand.
Briggs: It's like when a man puts his p*nis inside a woman's vag*na a bunch of times in a row.
Willy: You did that to my mommy?
Briggs: Damn right I did.
Willy: Wow. I regret asking.
[ Grunts ]
Dori: [ Screams ]
Briggs: Owen!
Dori: No, no, no!
Owen: What the heck was that all about?
Dori: The K*llers found Briggs! You have to help him, please!
Owen: Oh, you're trembling. You look so cold.
Dori: I'm so scared!
Oh, thank you so much.
Okay.
Owen: This feels so right, doesn't it?
Dori: What?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Owen: Hey, guys.
Guys, wait up!
Look, Mosura, I just talked to Chief Kaiju, and he needs to talk to you right away.
So I'll watch the prisoner.
Owen: He's at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.
Hai!
Briggs: Whew.
Got ourselves out of another jam, huh, partner?
Owen: Yeah.
Dori: [ Screaming ]
Briggs: Oh, wait. No, this is still going.
Engel: No, you're not!
Briggs: Don't worry.
You did really great, for a black guy.
Engel: What'd you say?
Forget about it. I just heard you wrong.
Dori: [ Chuckles ]
Willy: Mommy! Help me!
Dori: Oh, right.
My son, this whole thing.
Kaiju: I'm gonna k*ll him!
Blake: No, you're not!
Let him go.
Kaiju: Why should I?
Blake: Because he's the only family I've got.
[ g*nsh*t ]
Briggs: Well, I guess I should be going now.
You're not going anywhere, Briggs.
You're in the army now.
We're shipping out to Kandahar.
Briggs: But I was just hiding!
We're all hiding from something, private.
♪ Get me out of this place ♪
♪ I am a man ♪
♪ get this blood off my face ♪
♪ let me live again ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
Sal: Attention, staff.
If you are under 30, "witness" came out before you were born.
That is all.
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
05x02 - Triangles
Watch/Buy Amazon
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.