02x03 - The Star Strangled Banner

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns.

Greetings, Excellent Ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be

♪ When you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe

♪ And soon your dreams will be reality

BILL AND TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ They'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes!

Excellent!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

(GROANING)

Ted, my excellent friend, spring is upon us.

Phew! And that means Spring cleaning our school lockers!

I have an excellent place to store these most valuable momentos of the Fall semester.

(GRUNTING)

A most resplendent fragrance!

Not!

The Chickens are coming! The Chickens are coming!

Barbeque.

No, no. The Yakitori Chickens.

The baseball team from our sister city in Japan!

They're coming to play the San Dimas Squirrels!

And I get to sing the national anthem!

Ours or theirs?

(MISSY LAUGHING)

Ours, of course! The Star Spangled Banner!

Oh, it's a dream come true!

The Japanese ambassador is coming and it's my chance to star!

(SCREAMING)

Woo!

Is there a problem, Missy? I mean mom.

I've got to find something to wear!

And you've got to clean this room!

One of the Chickens is staying with us!

I know you don't want him to see it like this!

Most assuredly not, wise and civic minded dad.

Uh, Ted, my curious comrade?

Are you sure you want to...

BILL AND TED: Bogus.

Yes?

Bill S. Preston?

Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I'm Ted Theodore Logan!

Together, we are Wyld Stallions!

Happy afternoon, I am Mickey Mantle Mizutaki,

secondary second baseman and, uh, together, I am not.

Come in, weary traveler.

Where may I lather my hands and moisten my face?

Ah! Bathroom, down the hall, to the left!

This dude's attire is most heinously dweeb-like!

Fear not esteemed colleague. I can lend him a most triumphant outfit.

BOTH: Excellent!

Uh, dude, uh, I wouldn't do that.

Ah!

Eww!

Your closet is a revolting pig sty.

Who wrote that phrase book, my father?

♪ Oh, say can you see?

(MISSY SHRIEKING)

Wo!

♪ By the dawn's early light?

Is it customary to strangle the cat before dinner?

No. When Bill's stepmom, Missy, tries to sing,

the custom is to race to the Kozy Korner.

(STATIC HEARD)

Whoa! Rufus!

How are things in the far-flung future, Meritorious Mentor?

Bad news, my excellent friends.

Missy can't sing.

Complete concurrence, Rufus. She's awful!

No, I mean, Missy cannot sing!

Her voice could destroy the cosmic harmonics of all music forever!

No way!

Yes, way! If Missy sings, it'll take the Wyld Stallions 20 years to recover.

Bogus!

And even worse, compatriots,

if the ambassador gets offended by Missy's singing,

trade relations with Japan could be at stake.

You mean, no more stereos, amps or CD's?

Gentlemen, you must do something immediately.

Right, Rufus! Frosted slushies!

Why do we entrust the future to kids?

Hey, who else is there?

Is there no joy in Mudville?

Not if Missy sings the Star Spangled Banner.

The Star Spangled Banner! A song by Francis Scott Key.

The tune is traditional, like Thanksgiving turkey.

(SLURPING)

It's a turkey, all right.

Three strikes and I'm out of here!

Bill, my gifted collaborator!

Are we not the most outstanding songwriters?

Certified! We will teach Francis another tune!

Something that is easy to sing.

Excellent!

(SPLASHING)

And where are my, where are my glasses?

Oh, say, can you see?

Not too well, near-sighted songwriter dude.

This most resplendent dawn's early light is in my eyes.

You sound like fellow Americans.

♪ Row, row, row your boat, gently down the drain!

All hands on deck! Shiver the timbers!

(VOCALIZING)

Dive! Dive!

Oh, this is a ship, not a submarine.

We can't dive.

Oh! Then float! Float!

Caulk, the scuppers. Fold the sheets!

Where are the Yankee prisoners?

I want them accounted for!

I want them accounted five!

Six, whatever we got!

(GROANING)

Oh! Oh!

I am lost!

No way, dude! You're right here!

I'm lost without my glasses!

How can I write the great American poem if I can't see?

Maybe you should join a focus group.

Look! A rocket's most triumphant red glare!

And bogus bombs bursting in air!

Rocket's red glare. Bombs bursting in air.

I think they blew up the fort!

At least our flag is still there!

Excellent!

Got ya!

Bogus!

So! What've you got to say for yourselves, aye!

This is a most pleasurable cruise.

Not!

Stand forth, swabbies! Name, rank and number!

Uh, I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.

BOTH: Together, we are Wyld Stallions!

You look more like itchy seagulls to me!

And he wanted a number!

Excellent! What number do you want us to play?

(GUITAR PLAYING)

Muzzle their mizzens!

Yank out the yard arm!

They must be American spies!

Whoa! Heinous error, Captain dude.

We are teenagers from San Dimas!

Spaniards, hey!

Clap 'em in irons!

Stow them in the hold!

Step lively, lads. Down you go! Ow!

Oh, that smarts!

No, that's dumb!

Below with you!

(YELLING)

Don't worry! I'm a lawyer!

I'll have you out in no time!

(GRUNTING)

A most bogus basement.

I can't even find a TV!

At least we are not alone.

Here kitty, kitty.

I think I smell a rat.

BOTH: No way!

Woah! See, I told you I'd get you out.

Listen, lads. You must assist me with my song.

We were doing so well!

But...that British Captain!

Captain, schmaptain! This is serious stuff!

What happening on the ramparts?

What are ramparts?

Well, dude, there are big curly horns

and, uh...

No, no! On the wall of the fort!

Excellent! A most triumphant Banner still waves over the land of the free

and the home of the... Oh!

And, uh, the totally non-heinous brave?

I think we have a verse!

Most assuredly, anthem author.

Now all you need is a tune!

Tune? Tune? I've got a great tune!

They don't call me Mr. Key for nothing!

(CLEARING THROAT)

♪ Oh, say...

Oh, please, sir. You have to imagine.

People will sing this song at every ball game, every prize fight...

Every school assembly!

So what's the problem?

It's egregiously...

Difficult to sing!

Look, Mr. Key dude, I've got it!

♪ Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light?

♪ What so proudly we hailed by gleam of last twilight?

Ah, hmm, I don't know.

Okay, okay! How about this most excellent version?

A one and a two!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR HEARD)

♪ Oh say, can you see,

♪ by the dawn's early light?

♪ What so proudly we hailed

CAPTAIN: No, no, no!

It goes like this!

♪ Oh say, can you see by the early light?

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.

♪ It's a purty sight!

I can see that!

The only thing you'll see

is the bottom of the briny when you walk the plank at noon!

No way!

Stow 'em in that silly-looking bait box!

Call up the guards!

Aye, aye, sir!

♪ Oh say, can you see by the dawn's...

Nah. It'll never work.

♪ Oh say, can you see?

Most non-triumphant, dude.

He'll never change that tune.

What is worse, we are goners!

BOTH: Not!

(MISSY PLAYING THE HARMONICA)

♪ Oh say, can you see... Yeah!

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

See!

Dude! The ambassador cannot hear that!

No more stereos, no more VCR's! No remote control!

This heinous situation calls for resplendent action!

Frosted slushies?

Wow, Psycho!

Hey, dudes! These dusty baseball cards are extremely valuable!

Abner Doubleday.

Didn't he play for the Sox?

Abner Doubleday invented baseball!

Hmmm. I thought he invented bubble gum!

I must share these with my team!

Later, dudes!

Dude, if Abner Doubleday invented baseball, could he change the tradition?

So Missy doesn't sing?

Dude, come on!

(BREATHING A SIGH OF RELIEF)

MAN: That ought to do it!

Cutting down the corn, Doubleday?

You'll never pay the rent. I'm gonna throw you off this farm!

You picked a fine time to heave me, O'Neal!

I have a dream!

Oh yeah? I bet it's almost as great as putting windows on that outhouse!

You're a dreamer, Doubleday!

One more strike against you and you're out of here!

Oh! Strikes, outs! I like that!

Excuse me, ungainly rural dude.

Are you Abner Doubleday?

Yup, but if you boys are looking for work, I'm sorry.

No, soon to be famous former farmer!

We have come to speak of baseball!

You know my idea? Who are you anyway?

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I'm Ted Theodore Logan!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns.

Whoa!

(GOOSE CACKLING)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

You mean, you don't bowl the ball?

You, you, you hit it with a stick?

That is indeed the way it works.

Then you make faces, right?

Worst face wins?

Excellent!

Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, hey, batter, hey, batter dude,

hey, batter, batter, dude. Hey, dude, batter!

ALL: Outstanding!

But how do I get folks to watch the game?

BILL AND TED: Grandstand!

Grandstand?

You know, benches with splinters and no backs!

If you build it, most assuredly, they will come.

The tradition...

Oh, oh, yeah!

And before anything starts, everyone sings "Take Me Out to the Ball Game!"

Yeah!

Excellent, fellow carpenters!

Hmmm. Hey.

Wo, durn it! Wo!

I knew we would learn something most triumphant in shop class!

I just wish we had taken it.

You sure this will work?

Rest easy, progenitor of the great American pastime.

They will surely come.

Glove, bat, cap. Next, please.

Glove, bat, cap. Step right ahead.

Perfect. Glove, bat, cap, next.

Glove, bat, cap, next.

Get your tickets here! Step right up!

One. That's a nickel!

Two, that's a dime!

Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!

Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Buns! Get your buns!

(YELLING)

You can't do this! This is my field of schemes!

Bull Durham! I got a bag of money.

Says this farm is mine!

Peanuts!

At least, I can collar those nettlesome nitwits.

Let the game begin!

You cost roe my theme park!

Two Flags over Cooperstown!

Let us go, corrupt banker dude!

Yes, we must begin a proud tradition!

What're you talking about?

We have to lead the crowd in "Take Me Out to the Ball Game!"

♪ Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early light?

Whoa! It is a national anthem when a thousand people sing it!

Play balll

♪ Hey, batter, batter! What's the matter?

Step up to the plate!

♪ Give it all you got! Take your best shot and save the day!

♪ Take me out to park

♪ It's time to play a most bodacious game!

♪ The game's about bat to start

♪ I love baseball, baseball game!

♪ I love a baseball, baseball game! Baseball game!

♪ I love baseball, baseball game!

♪ I love baseball! I love baseball!

♪ Take me out to the park!

♪ I love a baseball game!

Dude, do you think that this is what they mean by a farm team?

I don't know. But it sure is a most triumphant recreational activity!

And we are totally non-heinous players!

But we still must stop Missy or it's life without music!

BOTH: Bogus!

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Oh, say, can you see?

(HIGH PITCHED SINGING)

♪ See?

♪ Oh say, can you see?

I have a most triumphant idea!

BILL: We're back to home plate, dude.

No hits, no runs.

Lots of errors.

We have to tell Missy the truth! She can't sing.

She will be most egregiously saddened.

We face the music or there's no music at all.

Hey, dude! I have a feeling that we are most heinously t*rd.

And now, on behalf of the San Dimas Squirrels,

I'm proud to sing the national anthem.

BOTH: No way

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)

Something's afoot at the San Dimas stadium!

That is not the national anthem!

My excellent friends, that is the national anthem of Japan!

Catchy tune!

And totally sing able!

I, Mickey Mantle Mizataki, taught it to your most bodacious step mom.

Your ambassador will be most triumphantly impressed!

Well, dudes, I got to motor!

It is time to play ball. Catch you on the flipside!

Hey, wait a minute, Mickey!

What happened to your phrase book?

With two esteemed colleagues like the Wyld Stallions,

I don't need it anymore! Party on, dudes!

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

And now, to honor America, let us all sing our national anthem!

♪ Oh say, can you see by the dawn's early

Excellent.

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures,

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team