02x01 - Now Museum, Now You Don't

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together we are Wyld Stallyns!

Greetings, Excellent Ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be

♪ When you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe

♪ And soon your dreams will be reality

BILL & TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ We'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes!

Excellent!

MAN: Oh, yeah, since when? Well, that's news to me! No, no, no, no.

Well, that's not true. Oh, yeah, since when? Well, that's news to me!

(ELECTRIC GUITARS PLAYING LOUDLY)

WOMAN: Well, I never!

Thank you, lovers of the arts!

WOMAN: Oh!

(ANGRY GRUMBLING)

Ted, my esteemed colleague,

our music is falling upon deaf ears.

I did not think we played that loud!

Musically, this was a most frustrating experience.

BILL: Well, let us unplug our extension cord from the art museum.

While we are here, we can scope out these irreplaceable works of art!

Whoa! Check it out!

TED: Whoa!

This guy Art definitely produced some awesome works!

That must be why they named the museum after him.

(LAUGHING AND GUITARS PLAYING)

You can tell this is a most ancient statue by what he is holding.

An LP record? Whoa! A blast from the past!

Bill, we should vacate these premises before opening time!

(GRUNTS)

We are inextricably caught on something.

Help me out, Bill!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Whoa, runaway trashcan!

BOTH: Whoa!

(CRASHING)

WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh, no!

(TED GASPS)

Bill, we fractured that statue!

Fragile is an understatement! She's most heinously disarmed!

Maybe we can glue her arms back on.

No way! Those arms must have been flagrantly defective!

They were totally pulverized!

Uh-oh. This is the Venus de Milo!

It's, like, ancient and worth millions!

Bill, my valued partner,

do you have any idea how long it will take us to make a million?

More than all summer vacation?

Not if we go back to when she was made! And bring her back with arms!

But we must make haste! For the museum opens in a few minutes!

Ted, quick! Give me a hand!

Bill, I told you. The hands were most egregiously pulverized.

And now, the San Dimas Art Museum proudly presents our new exhibition,

Irreplaceable Works of... (SCREAMS)

We have cleaned up most diligently.

What happened to this woman?

Uh, she used way too much sun block?

CURATOR: Oh!

TED: Bill, there is the listing for the Venus de Milo!

Bogus! This must be a brand new directory!

See! It already shows that we busted the arms of the Venus most heinously!

Remain stoic, dude.

We will go back to when the statue was still under warranty and get it replaced!

Whoa!

(DIALING)

(METAL SCREECHING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

BOTH: We're history!

(PLAYING SOFT TUNE)

Huh?

BOTH: Whoa!

(BOTH STRUGGLING)

Yikes!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Stop right there! I am King of the Island of Milo!

Where are you taking my statue?

How can this be his statue? It does not resemble him.

Excuse me, your sawed-off swordship, but we're not taking.

We're bringing it back to exchange!

What are you babbling about?

Bogus merchandise!

Most places will exchange up to 30 centuries after purchase.

So if you could just tell us where the artist is...

Bah! You want to see an artwork? Look behind you.

Bill, look! The Venus de Milo and she's got arms!

BILL: And what arms! This is one buffed babe!

True. It is a gift for my girlfriend, Venus the Amazon.

King, sweetie, I've asked you a million times

not to leave your spears lying around!

Whoa! Pump city!

(EXERTIVE GRUNTING)

(BOTH GULP)

(SIGHS)

VENUS: What is this supposed to be?

KING: I... It's the new statue of you, darling.

With those puny arms? Does that look like me?

But... But honey bun, I thought you'd like it.

It's an insult! I won't have anyone else see it!

You two!

BOTH: Huh?

Hammer my face off that monstrosity!

If you're not done before I'm ready to leave,

I'll send you to the galley!

Uh, yes, sir! I mean, ma'am!

Yes, sir.

Yikes!

KING: (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) But honey bun, I thought you'd like it!

Ted, my esteemed friend! Since Venus clearly does not want her statue,

let us take it to the art museum.

Excellent! (GUITAR PLAYING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

BOTH: Whew!

Ted, I feel most strangely undressed.

Your sweatshirt! It must have fallen off while we were pushing!

Let us backtrack.

Dude! I was worried about this!

Huh?

Skinny arms are bad enough, but no arms?

I told you to take off the face!

But your muscularity, this is a different statue!

No excuses, pipsqueak!

Yikes!

(ROARING)

BILL: Quick, hide in that humongous hollow horse!

I wonder... For what kind of play do they need this bogus horse?

Hmm...The line, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts" comes to mind.

Or... Or is it, "Beware of gifts bearing Greeks"?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

BOTH: Whoa!

(CRASHING)

(EXERTIVE GRUNTING)

Whoa!

I'm going to chain you idiots with my other galley sl*ves!

BILL & TED: Bogus!

Oh, Venus?

What is it?

Would you mind showing us those tenacious arms of yours again?

They are incredible, aren't they?

(STRAINING)

Most excellent double biceps!

(BOTH FAKE EXCLAIMING IN WONDER)

And what do you think about this?

(STRAINING)

I think we had better get out of arm's way.

(DIALING)

(METAL SCREECHING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Come back with that! Ooh!

BILL: Remember, Ted! We must arrive at the museum right before opening time!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(GRUNTING) Hurry, Ted,

or we will most definitely be apprehended!

(GRUNTS) Just a little further. And no one will know there was anything wrong.

Whoa.

Whew.

CURATOR: And in this gallery, is the Venus de Milo.

Perhaps the most beautiful statue of the ancient world!

Everyone who sees it says... (SCREAMS)

Bill, something is atrociously wrong!

Where did that fake come from?

How can you call this a fake?

It has the arms and everything!

The Venus de Milo has no arms!

Whoa!

It hasn't had arms for centuries!

You mean, we did not break...

I mean, uh, we got to find a phone booth!

TED: Bill, we had a most heinous slip up in Greece!

We must go back for the streamlined Venus!

(METAL SCREECHING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Keep everyone out of here until the police arrive!

And they call themselves security guards!

How could they let someone come in and take a statue

right out from under their noses?

(SCREAMS)

TED: We were fortunate, Bill. We did not destroy a most renowned work of art.

(CANVAS TEARING)

Wha...

BILL: Uh-oh! Totally defaced!

Well, maybe this had a hole in it already.

I doubt it, Ted. I believe it is time that we left the vicinity.

(BILL & TED GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Aha! You thieves have returned!

Ooh! Whatever you say, Venus, darling.

Bill, I do not think we should ever take up art collecting.

Agreed! But we still must replace that punctured picture!

As soon as we figure out what it was.

The answer is at our fingertips!

Let us call Information!

(PHONES RINGING)

(NUMBERS DIALING)

TED: Rufus!

Amigos! What can I do for you?

Rufus, do you know anything about famous works of art?

RUFUS: Do you mean besides Wyld Stallyns? I guess so. Which one?

Well, it was someone sitting down.

Compadres, that sounds like the Mona Lisa by Leonardo.

Dial Florence, Italy, 1503.

BILL: Oh, I remember him! Thanks, Rufus!

(WITH THICK ITALIAN ACCENT) Mamma mia! That's a nice picture!

All that we need now, Mona, is a big smile.

(SIGHS)

Hey, what the matter, Mona?

Oh, Uncle Leo, what's to smile about? I'm bored!

Nothing ever happens in Florence!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Look, Ted! It's Leonardo!

Remember us? I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Sure, I remember! I did your picture.

Excellent!

(GASPS) I don't believe it! Where'd you guys come from?

This is excellent! (GIGGLES)

Hold it! You boys arrived just in time!

There! My masterpiece!

She's done! I call it the Mona!

Whoa! Major babe alert!

Aw! You mean, we ruined that picture?

You ruined a picture?

Hey, don't you worry. You boys make model my smile!

I make you a copy of this picture! No charge!

Uh... Yeah, that's nice.

So, where you guys from?

San Dimas! A total party town!

Party? Well, why didn't you say so?

I love to party! Let's go!

LEONARDO: Sure, you kids celebrate! 'Cause I can tell,

this picture, she's gonna be a smash with the critics!

(WHOOSHING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Am... Am I in heaven?

No, but you are close! This is the San Dimas Mall!

I need new clothes! But I didn't bring any gold!

Bill, did your dad not lend you his gold card to buy Missy a present?

Uh, true. I suppose one little dress cannot hurt.

(TILL RINGING)

(GASPS) (GIGGLES)

That is definitely a little dress.

And it does not hurt at all!

It's so easy! I just hand 'em this card and they give me stuff!

Ooh! Hold these for me! I just saw a jewelry store!

Uh, Mona! We really should be getting you back to the 1500s!

What are you, nuts? I'm not going back!

16th century Florence doesn't have shopping like this!

Mona, wait!

Mona, wait!

She has vanished most transparently!

Well, she can only go so far with a credit limit of 10,000.

(CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO)

(SIGHS)

I am gonna miss Mona. She was one bodacious babe!

Yeah! Me too.

Uh-oh! Something heavy is transpiring at the art museum!

Yes! Some vandals destroyed the Mona Lisa!

When we catch them, I'll see to it they get 600 years!

Oh, no! We forgot the painting!

(WHOOSHING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Oh, bad news for Leonardo. Now we have destroyed his painting twice!

(SOBBING)

I'm ruined!

We are highly sorry about trashing your masterpiece, Mr. Nardo.

Ha! That was no masterpiece!

The critics, they call it obvious... Cliched!

On a scale of 1 to 10, a minus 20!

You mean, uh...

Yes. My latest picture was a b*mb!

(expl*si*n)

Leonardo da Vinci? We are giving you two thumbs down!

Whoa! Critics in 1500s sure had a lot of clout!

Ah, in this town, you're only as good as your last picture!

But in the future, Mr. Nardo, your painting will be the most famous one of all!

So you got to paint that picture again!

All right. I try.

Maybe we call it Mona II. But Where's my model?

Oh, right. Mona. I do not think she will be coming back for the sequel.

Hey, what about that girl?

LEONARDO: Ah, that's Mona's cousin, Lisa. She comes to watch's me paint.

But boys, she's got no eyebrows.

Leo! Anyone can paint a decent picture with a babe like Mona!

But it would take a genius to make Lisa look good.

You're right! I'm gonna do it.

(CANNONBALL WHISTLING)

It's a high lob!

Keep up the good work, boys! I'm almost done!

I don't know. Something's not right...

(CANNON FIRING)

(CANNONBALL WHISTLING)

Duck, Ted!

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Bogus!

Lisa, are you okay?

That's it! That's' the smile!

Finito!

Whoa!

Hold your fire! I'm making a comeback!

Bravo!

It's sensational! The best thing you ever did! What do you call it?

The Mona... Uh, the Lisa.

The Mona Lisa? I love it!

My dear, you gonna be the biggest star of the 16th century!

(GIGGLES)

And now, I'm gonna make a copy for my good friends, Bill and Ted.

'Cause without them, this picture could not have been made.

Already he's repeating himself!

(WHOOSHING)

But Bill! The museum must be loaded with cops! And probably my dad!

Not if we go back to just before the museum lady saw the hole.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Ted, my compatriot, we have done it!

Someone is coming!

BOTH: Hide!

BILL: Ted, it is us!

I thought we looked familiar!

Oh, no! This means we came back too soon! They are going to...

I mean, we are going to...

(CANVAS RIPPING)

Somehow, I knew that was gonna happen.

BILL: A most odious irony, Ted.

We, I mean, our past selves, just trashed the Mona Lisa for the third time!

This must be some kind of record.

Okay, we're gone. I mean, they are.

Maybe we can get Mr. Nardo to fix it.

(ALARMS BLARING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

BOTH: Hey! Whoa!

BOTH: Busted!

How dare you! You have destroyed the world's most beloved painting!

RUFUS: Ein moment, Madame.

BOTH: Rufus!

(SPEAKING WITH GERMAN ACCENT) Uh, jawohl.

I am Rufus Anderhaus, celebrated art expert,

and I assure you these boys could not have defaced the Mona Lisa.

And how do you know that?

Simple. The paint is still wet.

(GASPS)

So, this cannot be the Mona Lisa.

Thanks, Rufus. But if we wrecked our copy of the Mona Lisa,

where's the real one?

You just chucked it out the window, mein Freund. Remember?

Excellent reasoning!

(STRAINING)

Yeah!

Hey, look! Here's the Mona Lisa!

Oh! Thank goodness!

For retrieving a priceless painting, I think some reward might be appropriate, ja?

I suppose you're right!

For their heroic service to this museum,

these young men will be paid a $10,000 reward!

Excellent!

TED: Bill, my esteemed colleague, how shall we spend this fortune?

We could afford almost every video Madonna ever made!

Or one of the few guitars Pete Townsend never destroyed onstage!

Actually, guys, 10 grand should just about cover Mona's shopping spree.

(GIGGLING)

Excellent! (GUITAR PLAYING)

♪ It's Bill &Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team ♪