01x13 - A Grimm Story of an Overdue Book

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns Rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still

♪ And trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future

♪ We must learn about the past ♪

Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures ♪

BOTH: Bogus!

♪ Most outstanding every day!

♪ It's outrageous! So bodacious!

♪ Help is always on the way!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party that's for sure

♪ Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Adventures! ♪

Sure you haven't forgotten anything?

Do not fret missy. I mean mom.

We have our skis, our gloves...

And my most savory polka-dot ski socks to impress the babes!

(SCHOOL KIDS CHATTERING)

The bus is about to motor, dude.

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

Gentlemen!

(BLOWING)

BOTH: Rufus!

Happy "Be excellent to each other day!"

BOTH: Huh?

It's our most sacred future-type Holiday.

I've come to offer you an invite

to a bash being thrown by the Tress most important people!

Sounds awesome, Rufus.

Truly, but we have our own party to go to...

With snow babes and everything.

Que sera, sera!

Be excellent to each other!

BOTH: Party on, dude!

(SIREN BLARING)

Freeze you lousy, no good, rotten slime!

Rotten slime?

Is that a new flavor of frosty slush?

Sgt. Joe Donaldson, library police.

Theodore A. Logan, you're charged with not returning a library book...

A violation of section 475.3 of the Dewey Decimal system!

Up against the book mobile.

And don't try anything smart.

Ted my friend, you have seemingly done something most heinous.

Bill my friend, you know me...

I have never done anything.

Oh? What were you doing on November 11, 1979?

Uh, I was turning six!

Truly. I was there. It was a primo party!

(SHOUTS) Quiet!

You checked out Little Red Riding Hood

by the Brothers Grimm ten years ago and never returned it.

Total fines and penalties add up to over $35,000!

$35,000!

But menacing authority figure,

I do not remember that library book.

Dude, it is the one about the babe in the red cape

who takes a basket of delectable's to her grandma.

I told you to be quiet.

That's right.

I've collared the number one fugitive

on the library's most wanted list!

Totally bogus!

(READING) You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used against you

in a trial to be held in the main library's children section

next to the puppet stage!

Does not my most esteemed bud have the right to make a phone call?

Just one!

Here's a quarter.

Bill my friend, we must solve this bogus problem

before we can continue on our most savory

ski trip with the snow babes.

No sweat, Ted.

We will simply return to San Dimas in the past,

return the book before it was ever overdue,

and get back in time to make our ski trip!

A brainstorm of high IQ proportions!

Yeah!

Oh, but, you know the rules.

Rufus says we cannot go back to our own past.

Then we will just have to get a copy from the dudes who wrote it!

Frisbees... Farina...

Got it. Polk tales!

The Grimm Brother dudes!

Says they published their collection in 1812!

We are there!

(DIALING)

(SHOUTING)

Ted, we are most definitely in Germany!

Or New Jersey.

I always get those two mixed up on the map...

They are both orange.

(g*nsh*t)

LANDLORD: Out you deadbeat Grimm Brothers!

And don't come back until you can pay the rent...

I've called the constable!

Duck!

It's an unidentified flying Dinette set!

Whoa! Ach du Lieber!

Jacob, this is all your fault!

You forgot to pay the rent.

Oh yeah? How do you know I forgot?

Because we are on the street, noodle-brain!

You're just saying that because mom liked you best.

But maybe you forgot, brother Wilhelm!

So there!

If I had paid the rent,

we wouldn't be out on the street!

The Brothers Grimm!

Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING ELECTRONIC GUITAR)

Our books! Our precious books!

Perhaps Little Red Riding Hood

is amongst those volumes.

What are you doing?

Looking for folk tales!

"Folks tales?"

We write books about grammar like this one.

"Famous verbs in history."

I would never write a silly folk tale.

Oh, I think I would.

It might be fun.

Hmm, once upon a time,

there was a stupid brother and a smart brother.

The end.

That's the idea.

Hmm, but it needs work.

Dude! They have not yet written their most famous folk tales!

Then we must stick with them until they do!

All right. You are so smart,

where are we going to live now?

(HORSES GALLOPING)

In prison, if we don't get out of here!

Oh, hide us, please!

They will never write their famous folk tales

if they are arrested, Ted.

Dial anywhere, Bill.

We are goners for sure.

No dudes, we are history!

(NEIGHING)

Ach du Lieber! Lieber, du ach!

Now look what you got us into!

What do you mean me?

You're right, brother Jacob...

BOTH: It's their fault!

It's nobody's fault.

You are merely dealing with the oddities of time travel.

And not very well, either!

Dear me. Such a harsh winter.

My men are so cold they're starting to talk to themselves.

And so am I.

And say... I don't sound half bad.

This is George Washington, live at Valley Forge.

Now back to you Chet.

(GASPS)

(MUFFLES)

My choppers!

(CHATTERING)

Ach du Lieber.

Bill, those fraternal fairy tale dudes have taken to the slopes!

Watch your feet Grimm Bros,

or you'll thrash all the good moguls!

(MUFFLING)

(YELLING)

The booth is slipping, Bill!

(YELLING)

(MUFFLING)

Speak up! What did you say?

He said, "look out!"

(SCREAMING)

BOTH: Not bad!

Dock this boat at once!

Seven is green... Thirteen is red.

Voila!

Ted, do you ogle what I ogle?

Ogle I do, dude!

It's the dollar bill guy!

Hessian mercenaries!

So, you're the ones who attacked me from the rear!

BOTH: Du Lieber, ach!

But national father figure type dude,

these are the Grimm Brothers.

They have every reason to be grim.

They're being sent to the brig for spying.

But your great generalness sir.

We brought them here for a most excellent adventure.

If it's adventure you want, it's Adventure you'll get!

I'm promoting you both to Lieutenants for your excellent work

and obvious fine taste in art!

They didn't have one of these on black velvet by any chance, did they?

Oh, never mind.

Hey, hey!

You owe me a dollar for that painting.

Well, this is the last of the federal budget.

And congress did say to make it go as far as I could.

What is to become of us?

Close as I can guess, dude,

you guys are going in the slammer.

To the brig, spies!

We must find a way to rescue the Grimms,

or they will never write my missing library book!

WILHELM: So, this is the excitement you craved, Jacob?

Locked up for twenty years?

And it's all your fault!

Oh, yeah? Huh, that's what you think!

(CHUCKLES) I am getting hundreds of ideas for kiddies stories...

Frosty the abominable snowman...

We've been snowed in for months.

I'm short food, short supplies, short ammunition...

Not to mention short soldiers, dude!

At ease, men!

As you can see, I'm down to my last seven soldiers.

They're all pretty grumpy, sleepy...

And that one was dopey even before he joined on.

Anyway!

Your first duty will be to feed the troops.

Aye, aye, future father of our motherland.

Perhaps you could point us in the direction of the local el pollo gordo.

I'm afraid you'll have to made due with what we have, boys.

What do we have?

Nothing, nada, zero, zip, zilch,

and a whole lot of diddly squat!

Well, amigo o'mio, we shall have to be most creative!

Chow down dudes.

Time for America's first frozen dinners,

snow cones and H2O flavored frosty slushes!

Ted my friend,

while they are feasting on our most delectable treats,

we must spring the Grimm Brothers.

Lieutenants! Front and center!

How does it taste, general sir?

I cannot tell a lie.

Lousy.

And what's worse, it's giving me a...

A cold!

(SNEEZES)

(RUMBLING)

Whoa! A humungous avalanche!

Lieutenants! That was a stroke of genius!

You cleared the ravine!

George, honey!

I've baked you an apple pie,

and I've been waiting outside that ravine forever.

Martha, baby!

I hardly recognized you covered in this white snow.

I ask you, what possible inspiration could you derive

from a snow white Fraulien, and seven short soldiers,

living in the woods like this?

Oh! That's it!

Snow white and the seven soldiers!

Come on Grimm Brother dudes!

Time to bail!

Bill, we should have taken the bunny slope!

(YELLING)

The spies are escaping!

(g*ns c*ck)

Don't fire until you see the white of the skies!

Okay, fire!

Duck!

Incoming!

(DIALING)

Maybe snow white and the seven samurai?

No.

Snow white and the seven snow ba*ls.

(YELLING)

Maybe "the big chill?"

Uh-uh.

"Snow White and the seven chicken Sandwiches."

No...

We must get back to write our grammar book,

"New nouns of 1806."

No! We still need new experiences for inspiration...

(SHOUTING)

Where are we?

(SNIFFS) What is that strange odor?

(SNIFFING) I do not know, Ted.

But it smells like the pine air freshener

Missy mom gets at the car wash!

Bill, my most significant Colleague,

we must be near a zoo!

BILL: Lions...

And tigers...

And bears...

(GRUNTING)

BOTH: Oh, my!

Oh, look what you done did!

Oooh! Now I'm talking bad grammar!

And it's all your fault!

No, it's not!

Then whose fault is it?

The bear's!

Ted, my endangered friend,

it appears to be feeding time.

Yes and we are lunch!

Do not eat me, fuzzy dude.

I am loaded with most unhealthful preservatives!

(GRUNTING)

Let us blow this popcorn stand!

ALL: Come on, this way!

ALL: Whoa!

What's your hurry pilgrims?

It's like this, studly frontier-type dude...

We came this close to being grizzly munchies.

Must be the varmint I've been Trackin1.

I'm Davy Crockett,

king of the wild frontier.

BILL: Mr. King of the wild frontier,

it appears your crown is an extremely live raccoon!

I know partner.

It's warmer than that frog I used to wear though.

Also, no more warts.

So your kingness,

about one of your subjects.

Yes. That bear you were tracking has our phone booth.

Never heard of "phone booths"

but I'll get it back for ya.

There's No "bar" alive I can't hunt down.

Ah, yes,

a story about a bear!

He lives in a house in the woods, and...

Enough, Jacob! That's the dumbest idea you ever had!

It just so happens I've had lots of dumber ideas.

So there too!

Stay back, city slickers,

I'll handle the varmint!

I tell you a bear wouldn't live in a house.

Prove it!

I don't have to prove it.

It's a stupid idea.

Oh, yeah? You're just saying that

because you're jealous you didn't think of it first.

It's completely dumb, stupid and ridiculous

for a bear to live in a house.

It is?

Absolutely.

Okay then, he doesn't live in a house.

Now you're being sensible.

He lives in a tent in the yard behind the house.

Dude! Our phone booth!

Gentlemen!

I've been looking all over time for you.

Rufus!

What brings you to the wild frontier?

Confidentially,

be excellent to each other day is a real drag.

The party needs you.

We would be only too glad to comply, Dude.

Yes, but a bear has our booth.

What bear?

(GROWLING)

That bear!

(YELLING)

The party doesn't need this much excitement!

Ciao!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

BILL: Dial anywhere, dude!

You can't escape me that easy, bar!

(BEAR BREATHING HEAVILY)

TED: Whoa! Somebody's breath is most Grim!

Jacob! What did mom tell you

about brushing your teeth after every meal?

Uh, Jacob?

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Party on, crazy babe.

Indeed. Let us rock and Roll.

Rufus.

Where are the great ones?

Sorry, uh.

Bill and Ted already had a gig!

And who is that?

(SCREAMING)

You came!

And you brought the entertainment!

This is indeed outstanding!

Yes, now we may truly party on!

Hey, bear!

Listen and listen good!

It's my turn now!

Remember the Alamo!

Tag team wrestling with a bear!

Who else but the great ones would have thought of it?

It is truly a most excellent party!

Yeah. Hate to party and run...

But we have a fairy tale to write!

Come on, Grimm Brother dudes. We must motor.

That was fun!

Fun? We were almost the blue plate special for a bear!

But new experiences stimulate brain cells.

I'd rather sit and watch television, it's less dangerous!

Is it my fault you ran into the wrong booth?

Thanks for coming.

You dudes made be excellent to each other day a smash!

Party on, dudes!

You heard him, bar. Party on!

Wilhelm! I have been inspired!

I don't want to hear it!

Picture this!

The bear and the three most important people!

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard,

my dummkopf brother!

It appears as if I am doomed to waste my youth in library jail.

Those Grimm dudes are not even close

to writing "Little red riding hood."

Give me that!

I will not let you ruin my reputation

as an expert in Anthropological linguistics.

My folk tales!

You threw away my precious stories.

No problemo, Grimm dude.

We will do an emergency stop.

Here's the page on "snow white and the seven soldiers."

Ah, here's the three most important people.

A best seller for certain.

That settles it! We split up!

You write your foolish folk tales!

I write about grammar!

Faster horsey! I'm late!

Ted, my friend,

we have witnessed many things in our time,

but none so bodaciously blonde.

There is no way we will catch up!

(SCREAMS)

A most fortuitous coincidence!

Who are you?

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan,

and together we are...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns!

I am Lady Godiva.

Oh yeah, Missy mom loves your chocolates!

But most bodacious bare-back babe,

where are you going?

I am off to protest unfair taxes.

WILHELM: This is all your fault!

JACOB: My fault? You threw my folk tale notes out of the booth!

While I appreciate your company on my long trek,

I have been warned never to pick up hitchhikers!

That's all right.

Yeah, other problems are a foot for us,

and we must de-horse hereabouts.

Whoa! A totally scandalous turn of events!

Sorry, your most bodacious buffness!

I'm telling you, Wilhelm.

This trip has been inspiring!

And this will be my masterpiece.

Little red riding cape!

TED: But this is a hooded cape!

All right. "Little red riding hooded cape!"

Quickly. We must get back to Germany before I forget the story.

Excellent idea.

Plus, remember,

it will only be most outstanding if you put a grandmother in it!

There will be grammar in it?

Yes, but she will be eaten by the wolf!

Where did that no good rotten slime go to?

When I get my hands on him I'll...

What the?

Greetings Mr. Menacing authority Figure dude.

I've had it!

I'm hauling you to the head librarian!

BOTH: Bummer.

So, we finally caught up with you, Mr. Most wanted!

Before I pass sentence,

have you got anything to say for yourself?

Is it too late to turn in "Little Red riding hood?"

I don't believe it.

This is the original handwritten manuscript!

Personally autographed by the Grimm Brother dudes.

This will bring in enough money

to pay off all your past and future, library fines!

BOTH: Excellent!

(IMITATES PLAYING ELECTRONIC GUITAR)

Dude, if we motor, we can still make our ski trip!

Now I can concentrate on the next person

on the library's most wanted list.

Let's see who it is...

Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

Twelve years ago he checked our

Poopsie Whoopsie and the Itzy bitsy Bunny rabbit!

Wasn't that just...

Wait!

We made it, Ted my friend.

Yes, Bill, my most supreme partner.

Snow bunnies here we come!