01x11 - Never the Twain Shall Meet

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

I don't know what to do with you boys anymore.

Give us straight A's and send us home early?

You got the second part right.

All right, dude, let's motor before he changes his mind.

Just don't bother ever coming back.

Good fortune has smiled down upon us, Ted.

We are finished with school.

You've got that backwards. School is finished with you.

That's right guys, you're expelled.

Bill, this is as heinous as it gets.

If my dad finds out I'm expelled...

He'll k*ll me.

Your parents will get notices in the mail this week.

Isn't there anything we can do?

Something really big?

Believe me, Mr. Ryan, you do not want Ted's demise on your conscience.

Well, tomorrow is career day.

I don't suppose you boys have lined up a speaker like you were supposed to?

No, but that is because we have been working on someone totally, outrageously special.

Oh, who have you got in mind?

BILL: Smokey the bear?

See what I mean?

I'm just wasting my time here.

Give us a chance, Mr. Ryan.

We will find a most awesome speaker.

All right. But understand,

the letters are already written, they just have to be mailed.

We will not let you down, Mr. Ryan. Count on it.

Come on, Ted.

Ted.

What?

Come on, dude.

Ted, my catatonic friend,

if we get expelled, we are two dead dudes.

(SLURPING)

Hey! Maybe we could get your dad to speak at career day.

Then instead of k*lling you, he would be unwittingly saving your life.

My father? Surely you are kidding.

Sorry, dude.

I must not have been thinking.

Who can we get to speak?

Unfortunately Janet Jackson is on tour.

Whoa, she would've gone over well.

Yeah.

There must be someone we can get who will impress Vice Principal Ryan.

Whoa! How about the President of the United States?

He might be interesting.

I think he's too busy being president, dude.

Oh, let us face it. It is useless.

I am one deceased duck.

Not true, Ted.

What about those statuesque dudes on Mr. Ryan's desk?

Right, Shakespeare and that Mark Twain dude.

Aw, but they are dead.

Like I am about to be.

Not for us.

We can go back in time, bag one of 'em,

and be reinstated on Mr. Ryan's "Most Honorable" list.

Excellent!

(DIALING)

(WHOOSHING)

BILL & TED: Whoa!

(CRASH LANDING)

Ted, we are just in time for the gala premiere.

Let us buy tickets.

First, let us buy refreshments.

I'll take a medium popcorn with butter.

And make it fresh, not yesterday's.

And I'll have some of those candies that stick to your teeth

and glue your mouth shut.

I know not of what foodstuffs you speak.

I sell only fish and chips.

Ew, fish!

Oh well, it is brainiac food, and we could certainly use some of that.

How much?

Two guineas.

I don't have any small furry animals, Ted, do you?

No, I do not.

No cash, no chow.

Whoa, what a rude dude.

Forget it, Bill. We will buy some munchies at the snack bar in the theater.

How goeth the ticket sales for opening night?

Verily, it is almost a sellout, Mr. Shakespeare.

Superb, I...

What is yon scenery doing out there?

Ushers, get that on the stage!

Always something...

How, mayhaps, may I be of service to you two gentlemen from Verona?

We are from San Dimas.

Yeah, and we would like to speak to that most famous

Mr. William Shakespeare.

Sorry, no interviews until after the performance.

All right. Then we would like two of your best tickets to the show.

Nothing in the balcony, I get nosebleeds.

That will be two pounds.

Heavy!

That should about cover it.

What manner of money be this?

Counterfeit, methinks.

Stop thou most foul and base knaves!

Perhaps if the play gets good reviews

we'll be able to convince Mr. Shakespeare to speak at career day.

SHAKESPEARE: Ushers, stop those two scoundrels!

Bill, I do not think these big ugly dudes want to show us to our seats.

I concur one hundred percent with you, Ted, my friend.

Look! It's Bart Simpson!

I can't believe they looked.

Hey!

We'll ditch them back here, dude.

USHER: Thou comest back here!

Ted, just like the most odious gym class!

But, Bill, I have never been able to get more than two feet off the ground

on one of these things.

Where couldst they have gone?

(THUMP)

ROMEO: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east...

(CRASH)

And Juliet is the sun?

We should ask for our money back, Bill.

We specifically asked not to be seated in the balcony.

ROMEO: Psst, Juliet. Your line!

Us? Juliet?

No way.

Right.

I am Bill S. Preston, Esq.

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.

And together we are...

Wyld Stallyns!

What means this "Wyld Stallyns"?

Who are these Bill and Ted?

(GRUMBLING)

Oh, why didn't I become a butcher or a baker

or a candlestick maker like my mother wanted?

What was the question, dude?

He doesn't know what he wants to be.

Oh.

Be what you want to be.

Or not.

Whatever.

To be or not to be,

that is the question.

Ooh, I liketh it.

Our booth!

Dial, dude.

BOTH: Whoa!

TED: Steer, dude!

BILL: How can I steer if I can't see?

(SCREAMING)

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: All right!

Ted, that was one righteous waterslide.

Almost as good as the waterloop in San Dimas!

Should we go again?

I do not know, dude. I do not see where to get tickets.

Claim jumpers!

We are no such thing.

True, we are...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns!

Who are you?

I'm a 49er.

Whoa, Joe Montana!

He would be an outstanding career day speaker.

Not Montana! San Francisco!

And I'm Captain John Sutter,

and this is my mine.

I am a prospector.

It does not appear from your appearance that your prospects are very good, dude.

True enough.

I been poking around this here hill for nigh onto who knows how long

and all I've ever discovered is dirt.

Uh, you fellars wanna give it a go?

No, thank you, grizzled old prospector dude.

We have our own mining to do.

My friend Ted speaks the truth.

We must find someone to speak at career day

or we will be most heinously expelled from school.

You boys don't quite get my drift.

You're gonna have to make restitution

for all the damage you caused to my flume.

Besides, prospectin' is a fine career.

(CHUCKLES) Nothin' but opportunity.

An' I guarantee you one thing,

there's gold in them thar hills!

Nothin' like the sound of other people workin.

(CHUCKLES) Yesiree.

PROSPECTOR 1: Whoopee!

What in tarnation?

Ha ha! Great idea, Sutter.

You'll have a fortune in no time!

What the heck?

Wahoo!

Whoa, you were right, grizzled prospector dude.

There really is gold in them thar hills.

Oh, oh, what are you boys jawin' about?

Three rides for a pouch of gold, dude.

Absolutely. It's the most awesome first waterslide in history.

I've struck gold!

I'm rich!

Filthy rich! (LAUGHING)

Mine!

I gotta find a place to hide it.

(LAUGHING AND SCREAMING)

(ROCK CRUMBLING)

Uh oh.

SUTTER: Cave in!

Ted, there's a whole lot of shaking going on.

True, Bill. We had better motor.

BILL: Dial, dude!

BOTH: (SCREAMING)

We are not alone, Ted.

We still need to find a most out standing speaker for career day.

What about that other most statuesque dude on Mr. Ryan's desk?

Right! Mr. Mark Twain.

Found it! "Mark Twain"!

"See under Samuel Clemens."

What does that mean?

It is most obvious, dude.

Mr. Samuel Clemens must know where Mr. Mark Twain lives.

Of course.

(DIALING)

BOTH: (SCREAMING)

BOTH: Whoa!

That had to be one of your worst landings, dude.

You try to drive when you're up to your neck in frogs.

(SCREAMING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Just pretend you do not see any frogs, Ted.

What frogs?

MAN: (SINGING) Mark Twain!

Bill, did you hear that?

Yeah, a most excellent turn of events.

(SINGING) Mark Twain!

Mr. Mark Twain?

Uh, excuse me?

Are you the most famous Mr. Mark Twain?

No, Mark Twain is a measurement. It means two fathoms.

Like "Fathom of the Opera"? (CHUCKLES)

No, like 12 feet.

Now, let me work before I get fired.

(SINGING) Mark Twain!

Where?

Perhaps we should try to find Mr. Samuel Clemens.

He'll know where to find Mr. Mark Twain.

But I'm Samuel Clemens.

Excellent, then you must know where...

Where did they come from?

It is a most long and odious story.

A story, hey?

MR. BIXBY: Clemens, what are these frogs doing on my riverboat?

They're just leaving, Mr. Bixby.

Well, see that they do

if you want to remain captain of this boat.

CLEMENS: Now get them into the dining room.

BILL: This is more difficult than that most loathesome frog video game.

(CRASH)

MR. BIXBY: Clemens, you're fired!

Oh, and another career bites the dust.

Do not worry, Mr. Captain Clemens, sir.

We will help you out.

Oh, you've already done too much.

Ted, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Most assuredly, dude.

Let us get hopping.

Well, we did it.

Oh, what's the difference? I've lost another job.

Another job?

Yep, let's see, I was a printer,

a confederate soldier, a miner,

now I can add Mississippi riverboat captain to the

"was" list.

But you got rid of the frogs.

Will that not get you your job back?

We didn't exactly get rid of 'em!

Perhaps you could tell the passengers

you've installed shiny green AstroTurf.

Or maybe everyone will want frogs' legs for dinner.

(SQUEELING)

Oh, not even if it's the only thing on the menu.

Whoa, I have just had a flash of brainitude.

What is it? I'll try anything.

WOMAN 1: Ooh, I like the fat one.

MAN 1: I like the one with long eyelashes.

MAN 2: My money's on the green one.

WOMAN 2: Well, they're all green.

MAN 2: Oh.

All right, boy.

Do it for me, dude.

On your mark,

get set,

go! (g*nsh*t)

CLEMENS: And they're off!

Lumpy is in the lead, followed by Hoppy,

Lilly Pad and Wart, bringing up the rear.

(CHEERING)

Bummer, dude.

Wart is my favorite.

Brainwave.

I know just how to correct this most egregious situation.

It's Lumpy, Lilly Pad, Hoppy and Wart is now four lengths behind.

And here comes Wart.

Come on, Wart!

(CHEERING)

Wart's through the pack and in the lead.

Whoa!

And now it's no one in the lead

and every man for himself.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Ted, my friend, that was most victorious.

Not!

Sorry, Mr. riverboat pilot dude,

we inadvertently let our enthusiasm get the better of us.

That's ex-Mr. riverboat pilot dude.

Clemens, you're fired!

You can't fire me. I'm already fired.

Good!

Uh, Mr. ex-captain pilot Clemens, sir,

we were wondering if you could be a speaker at the San Dimas High School career day.

Yes, we couldn't find Mr. Mark Twain.

But, you would be an excellent second choice.

Plus, we guarantee that you, even as the ex-pilot of a riverboat,

would be most triumphant.

Sorry, boys, but I got a new career.

I'm gonna be a writer.

And in a way, it's all your doing.

See, my first story is "The Celebrated Jumping Frog

"of Calaveras County".

By Samuel Clemens.

Yeah, it's kind of flat.

I need something that sings.

Something with flash.

Something like Wyld Stallyns!

Oh, that's a good name.

Wyld Stallyns.

Yeah, it's a good name. It's ours.

True. You will need your own name if you are to make your mark.

And I have just the name for you.

Two Fathoms.

(SINGING) Mark Twain!

Hmm, not bad.

I'll consider it.

BILL: Glad we could help you.

Too bad we could find no one to help us.

Yes, Ted, my friend.

It is time to return to San Dimas and face the most non-triumphant music.

(SINGING) Mark Twain!

I am major bummed, dude.

We busted our buns and have nada to show for it.

Truly. There's never anyone around when you need 'em.

Whoa, check it out, Ted!

TED: Dude, that is it!

If ever anybody needed someone, we are them.

BILL: But you do not understand, we have got to see His Honor the Mayor.

Yeah, tell him two future voters

are in dire need of his most esteemed assistance.

I'm sorry, His Honor the Mayor is not in today.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

What's wrong, Wanda?

Frogs.

Mr. Mayor dude!

Are we glad to see you.

MR. RYAN: I want to thank you all

for the wonderful guests you arranged.

I think this career day has been a great success.

Unfortunately, Bill and Ted haven't arrived

so I guess you're all dismissed early.

(CHATTERING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Hold everything!

MR. RYAN: Bill, Ted, what's going on?

We arrived with our most tantalizing guest speaker for career day!

Please, throw your hands together

and give a big San Dimas High welcome to...

His Honor, the Mayor.

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

Well, you guys really squeaked by this time.

Way to go, dude.