01x10 - When the Going Gets Tough Bill & Ted are History

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

Wyld Stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ To save the future, we must learn about the past

(WHOOSHING)

BOTH: Whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & Ted's

Bogus!

♪ Excellent Adventures

♪ Most outstanding every day

♪ It's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ Help is always on the way

♪ Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ It's a party, that's for sure

♪ Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

TED: Whoa, dude!

A crowd of unprecedented proportion has gathered in the park!

And I predict we will knock them dead

with this our fourth and most triumphant gig.

I hope so.

For we have been most non-triumphant in our previous three attempts,

Ted my friend.

However, this time we have it all together.

For now we have added in addition

these most savory threads!

What more do we need for thrashing out a primo concert?

Maybe a few more hours of rehearsal would help.

Do not annoy the artists with un-astute asides, small-type bro.

Just pull the curtain.

(CHEERING)

BILL: Bodacious babes and gentle dudes...

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I am Ted Theodore Logan!

BOTH: And together we are...

Wyld Stallyns!

(CHEERING)

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Whoa! These guys are major awful!

Thank you for that most enthusiastic ova...

No way!

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

A most un-tranquil response.

Mondo rejecto!

Face it Stallyns. You guys are as through as a tunnel!

Ted, you and I have witnessed many things

but nothing as bogglesome

as this mass exodus from our concert today.

Whoa, maybe if we got tattoos and earrings.

Ted, if no one wants to listen to us

what is the point of continuing to play?

Zip, zero, zilch, the big goose egg, dude.

I believe it's time Wyld Stallyns rode off into the sunset.

I fear a heavy disaster is in the making.

Indeed. This is heinous.

We must summon Rufus at once.

Splish splash, most important dudes and dudette.

You caught me in the bath.

Something most critical has come up.

It involves the great ones.

I know.

You know what has happened?

No, I know it's important,

or I would have had time to dress and blow dry my hair.

Ah, seems the older you get the more you think about your hair

and the less hair you have to think about.

We summoned you to discuss Bill and Ted!

The Wyld Stallyns have had four gigs.

All of them bombs.

They are so defeated by the rejection

they will never create the music our society is built on.

Whoa! The future is on shaky ground!

Indeed! If Bill and Ted do not pursue their destinies

life as we know it will not happen.

Time is already going backward.

I'm on my way.

One more thing, Rufus,

you may not tell the great ones

of the disaster that will befall the future

if they give up their dream.

Bill and Ted must realize the importance of their music

is in the importance it holds for themselves.

Nothing's ever easy, is it?

Excellent! It's our favorite future bud, Rufus.

Rufus?

Keep talking, amigos. I'll follow the sound of your voice.

Whoa! Bodacious bangs, bud!

Most excellent!

My hair hasn't been this long in five...

Oh! Most excellent not!

This means it's already happening.

TED: What is happening, Rufus?

Uh... I hear through the grapevine

the Wild Stallyns are breaking up.

We were thrashed most odiously in our last concert attempt.

So, we're going to pack in the band

and become nuclear astrophysicists.

Or burger jockeys. Whichever has the most babe potential.

Guys, guys, guys.

Greatness takes time.

Rufus, our newly hairy friend,

we thank you most sincerely

for coming to try and cheer us up.

However, there is no use continuing to play music

no one wants to hear.

Gentlemen, I've got a major problem

and I can't solve it without your help.

We're your main dudes!

You can calculate on us, Rufus!

Good. Now a lot of strange stuff could happen along the way,

so, I've made out this itinerary.

No matter what, follow it.

These are the places we can find an answer.

(BEEPING)

What exactly is this...

BOTH: Problem!

Gentlemen, Thomas Edison's lab. 1877.

Edison was an inventor dude,

famous for his experiments with retinal illumination and aural modulation.

That's light and sound.

(CRASHING)

No! That's light and sound!

Whoa! It looks like one of Edison's experiments

has gone most egregiously awry!

Bill, this dude is supposed to be able to help Rufus!

Not if he's a nuclear French fry.

Wait up, dudes!

Yo! Uh, dudes?

(SIGHS) Life was simpler when I was a short hair.

Do not despair, crispy inventor type dude!

We will save you from your most odiously gone berserk creation.

I had such high hopes for this phonograph!

It seemed like such a good idea.

Phonograph? Isn't that like a pre-historic CD player?

After months of trying to make the world's first recording

none of my ideas will make even a peep.

We can sympathize for we too have had similar problems

of a different kind with music.

Perhaps, we should not add to his problems

by requesting that he help us with Rufus' problem.

I haven't eaten in days. I can't sleep at night.

I'm about to give up.

But if you quit now, there'll be no records, or CD's, or...

BOTH: No Van Halen!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Oops.

Those are some seriously stale pancakes, Ed.

Hmm... Wait a minute! This could work!

Instead of a recording cylinder, I'll use a recording pancake.

Behold!

The worlds first phonograph!

(STATIC)

Well, pump up the volume, inventor dude!

Mary had a little lamb with fleece as white as snow...

(DISTORTED) Mary had a little lamb with fleece as white as snow...

Boys, success is truly 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.

What smells around here is not the perspiration of success, dude.

It's that most heinous music.

And everywhere that Mary... M-M-M-Mary went...

The lamb was sure

to go, go, go...

Hey, that's not bad.

BOTH: Party on, dude.

Rufus, that Edison dude is too busy partying down to help with your...

TED: Whoa, retina rebound!

Howdy dudies.

(GRUNTING) (CHUCKLING)

What it is?

Whoa! It is most heinous, is what it is.

Gentlemen, my watch seems to have broken in the fall.

It's going backwards.

Do either of you have the correct time?

(GRUNTING) (LAUGHING)

Ted, my friend.

Yes, Bill my friend?

Rufus said things would get a little strange.

But we had no idea he would get little and strange.

Perhaps, I'll just use this phone to dial the time.

BOTH: No! Don't touch that!

We better follow these most cryptic directions

and find someone who can help.

Do either of you dudies have change of a skellig?

(GRUNTING) (CHUCKLING)

And we better find help fast!

He might be most contagious!

I don't know why I bother. It's never going to work.

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

Look at this name... Leonardo!

If anyone can help Rufus, it's got to be a teenage mutant ninja turtle!

What do you kids want?

We're here to see Leonardo.

Yes, but if he's out, we'll take Donatello or Michelangelo.

I don't have time for jokes,

I'm Leonardo da Vinci and I'm a very busy inventor.

Could you possibly invent something to help our friend Rufus?

He is going through a most difficult age reduction.

Yeah? What's so difficult about being nine years old?

Wow! Cool toys!

(GASPS)

My spiny-winged up and down flying thingie!

You've destroyed it!

(CRYING) Now it'll never fly!

You've ruined me!

Ruined me!

Ted, do you suppose this means he won't help us

with our rapidly diminishing Rufus?

Either that, my esteemed colleague Bill,

You've destroyed my latest attempt at a spiny winged flying thingie!

(SCREAMING)

That makes 110 tries,

and one 110 failures.

Dude, you've kept trying this thingie thing idea for a 110 tries?

(SIGHS) Feast your eyes on my failures.

Ever think maybe it's time to make a career change, dude?

My distinguished colleague Bill and I

are giving up our band to become nuclear astrophysicists.

I considered that, but the babe potential is exceedingly low.

BOTH: Bogus!

And my uncle Geppetto wants me to give it all up to work in his toy store.

But I've gotta be me.

(CREAKING)

Look out, kid Rufus!

(CRASHING)

Whoa! A most heinous turn of events, Bill.

That's just a preliminary work.

And another failure!

Failure? No way, dude. That's a most world class babe.

(SIGHS) I could never get her to smile.

She just sat there moaning how her modeling career was going nowhere

and did I know any theatrical agents.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Moaning Lisa I called her.

Hey, these plans look just like my Tinker toy set!

This spiny-winged up and down flying thingie

looks like a helicopter I once made.

Oh, I could do this blindfolded.

Little Rufus dude, you have already done more than your share.

But I wanna build it! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!

Ah!

Whoa, wipe out!

Perfect.

Playtime is over, Rufus!

(GROANS)

All finished, dude!

Excellent!

Maybe this one will work after all.

Now all you two have to do is pedal like mad till...

Leonardo, I don't know about this!

(SIGHS) You're right. It's hopeless.

A ridiculous dream.

Check it out, Leo. This bogie's going airborne, dude!

(WHIRRING NOISE)

Whoa!

Bravo! Bravo!

(SCREAMING)

Uh-oh, I knew it wouldn't work

Another one bites the dust!

(SCREAMING)

Hey! Leonardo!

That makes a what? A 111 flops now, Leo eh?

Oh, put a sock in it, uncle Geppetto!

Alright, so I didn't create a flying machine.

I know there's a fantastic new invention

out there just waiting to hit me.

If I just keep at it.

Let me see that, uncle Leo.

Whoa!

(BEEPING)

Catch you on the flip side, Leonardude!

So not give up... Something is bound to roll your way.

Hmm, a piece of wood on wheels, a skating board.

A skate board!

Cowabunga!

(SCREAMING)

BILL: You don't get rid of us that easily, you little juvenile delinquent dude.

Rufus, your penmanship is most horrendous.

I cannot figure out where we're supposed to go next.

Where ever it is, we better get there pronto, tonto!

My watch is broke and I probably gotta be home soon.

Guess I'll just reroute this call to the nearest known digit dudes,

and hope for the best.

Just a little more gas

and my great discovery will be complete!

Sorry, soaked chemist dude.

These landings are most grievously rough on one and all.

Oh, quite all right.

At least now I know my new concoction has the appropriate amount of fizz.

(BURPS)

Try some...

Yuck! It tastes like that bottled water missy mom drinks.

Most burp-like. (BURPS)

I discovered a way to...

Infuse water with oxygen. But...

Why would anyone want to drink sour bubbly water?

I'm afraid it's useless.

Perhaps, you could earn fame and fortune

by whipping up something to help our little bud, Rufus.

He keeps getting... Younger!

Oh! Bodacious bubbles!

(GIGGLING)

Hey, put that down, little shrunken dude.

Party on, dudies!

BILL: Naughty, naughty baby Ru!

You shouldn't put that in your mouth!

Who knows what kind of odious stuff it contains?

Why, berry blitzed brainstorms! That's cherry jam!

(BURPS)

By mixing jam with the oxygenated water

I can make a new kind of tasty drink!

(BURP) (LAUGHS)

Excuse me.

I'll be famous! Famous!

But what about our shrinking Rufus problem?

I'm sorry I can't help your friend

but I have to start right away on an important new invention

that will better mankind in the years to come.

What could be more important than your discovery of soft drinks, dude?

My one calorie diet soft drinks.

(LAUGHS) Awesome!

(DIALING)

Whoa! Hold that call, rug rat Rufus!

BOTH: I hate this part!

(BURPING)

Gather 'round, friends. Yes it's me, you friendly, neighborhood travel agent,

Chris Columbus. (LAUGHS)

Boy, have I got a cruise for you!

Visit exotic port, streets paved with gold.

White sandy beaches, and all the moo goo gai lombardo you want!

(DRUMBEAT)

Oh, you're nuts, Columbus.

Sail with you and we'll fall right off the edge of the world.

Yeah, the earth is flat!

Hey, step out of the dark ages, Ahab!

To believe the earth is flat

is like believing the sun moves across the firmament.

Or that the sky can fall.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

Help! The sky is falling.

You're a crackpot, Columbus!

Great. Just great. I had those guys all ready to sign on.

Now I'll never discover the new world!

Sorry, your most heinously bummed,

globe trotting explorer ship, sir.

(CRYING)

But as you can ogle we have definite troubles of our own as well.

Please keep that child quiet. I can't hear myself think.

If I could get some money to fund my expedition

I could prove the earth is round.

Just do what we do when pressed for beau coup bucks.

What's that?

BOTH: Ask your dad!

Oh, I got a couple of ripe coconuts here.

But wait. A patron might not be a bad idea!

But where can I find some wealthy schnook to bankroll my trip.

When everyone around here thinks Chris Columbus' cannons

aren't quite firing a full load.

This is most egregious, Ted.

Do you realize what will happen if Christopher Columbus

does not discover the new world?

Uh, no Columbus, Ohio?

Even worse, no Columbus day!

But... But that means...

BOTH: One less school holiday! Ah!

I wanna tell ya, I've been tossed out on my ear

a dozen times by Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand.

Well, if at first you don't succeed...

Your most regal dude ships,

may we most humbly present admiral, genius...

And the guy once voted by his senior class,

"student most likely to fall off the edge of the world".

BOTH: Chris Columbus!

Not again!

Well, what is it this time, Chris?

You want to prove the moon isn't made of green cheese?

(LAUGHS)

No! With the help of just a teensy royal handout,

I will prove that the world is round.

And spring two totally deserving dudes

from school bogosity every October 12th.

The answer is no money! Go ask your dad!

Look at it this way, Ferdie. If he falls off the edge of the world,

he won't bother us anymore.

Don't spend it all in one place.

I wanna say thanks for this wonderful turn-out, friends.

I will return shortly with riches beyond your imagination!

Get lost you crackpot!

Drop off the world.

See if we care.

Boo all you like. I'll send postcards from the end

of the new world.

It seems we have expired the list of events on this trip.

And we still aren't any closer to curing

our all but a twinkle in his father's eye, bud.

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

(CRYING)

My esteemed colleague, Ted, I am deeply inspired by the many events

we have witnessed today.

If dudes like Edison can put 99% of their perspiration

into their futures...

And if Leonardo and the soda pop dude

can fail and keep trying...

We too can overcome the most heinous rejection and failure, because...

BOTH: Wyld Stallyns rule!

(ELECTRIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Whew! It's about time.

Rufus! You're back to your old dudely self!

And the future has been put right again.

I am gonna miss the hair though.

This calls for a most outstanding celebration!

Practice first, party later, dudes.

That way you lower the chances of ever being rejected again.

Capice?

Ted, my friend, there is wisdom in this.

Most assuredly, Bill. Ready, partner?

After you, my esteemed colleague!