01x06 - Birds of A Feather Stick to the Roof of Your Mouth

[bunniefuu]

Rufus: I have been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny of the two great ones,

bill and ted.

Wyld stallyns rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still and trouble moves too fast

♪ to save the future, we must learn about the past

(whooshing)

both: whoa!

Excellent!

♪ Bill & ted's

bogus!

♪ Excellent adventures

♪ most outstanding every day

♪ it's outrageous, so bodacious

♪ help is always on the way

♪ bill & ted's excellent adventures

♪ it's a party, that's for sure

♪ bill & ted's most excellent adventures ♪

bill: and so, ted,

my esteemed friend and colleague in matters entrepreneurial,

our mission, should we decide to accept it...

And we do!

Is to house-sit for the dude next door!

In return for which,

we stand to realize a substantial increase in our cash flow.

And we will get paid, too!

Most outstanding!

Uh, mr. Stickler?

Yes, come in!

Quickly! Quickly!

(Cat hissing)

whoa!

Stickler: got you!

You clever sneak!

(Meowing)

my associate, mr. Bill s. Preston, and I

are here to receive our instructions, sir.

Yeah, ted tells me you're spending a weekend on the mexican riviera.

Planning to cop some rays and scope a couple of babes, eh?

The purpose of my trip has nothing to do with "babes."

I'll be attending the annual convention

of the tropical bird-watcher's association.

Out you go, max!

(Meows angrily)

now then, of paramount importance,

under no circumstances must you let max inside the house.

You see, he would very much like to make a meal of prince rupert iii,

my prized african buff-headed wood-hoopoe.

Phoeniculus bollei.

Bill: is that like a parrot?

(Bird squawks)

no, it isn't "like" a parrot,

it's an extremely valuable and rare, exotic bird.

(Car approaching)

(horn honking)

oh, my taxi to the airport!

Here are the door keys. Help me out with my bags, will you?

(Grunts) you can go on your vacation

safe in the knowledge that everything will be taken care of, mr. Stickler!

We are 100% reliable!

Let's see now. The remaining duties of your employment

fall into the category of crime prevention.

Wait a minute. You did not tell me

this was a potentially dangerous assignment!

Oh, no, no!

Just remember to pick up my newspaper. Oh, and get the mail.

Bon voyage, sir.

Pasta la vesta!

Carry out your responsibilities faithfully,

and I'll pay you promptly in cash upon my return, gentlemen.

Both: excellent!

(Playing air guitar)

(bird squawking)

uh oh!

Both: a max attack!

(Meowing)

(burps)

ted, my esteemed companion,

this is a most egregious turn of events.

Bummer of a way to go.

Ted, my trusted associate,

I have the solution to our most pressing problem!

I hope what you have, bill, my most dependable comrade,

is another frosty slush.

No, I have the solution to our other most pressing problem,

and it is most obvious.

It is?

We only have until sunday night

to find mr. Stickler another prince rupert bird.

Ah, but that is sunday night san dimas time.

In reality, ted, we have all the time in the world.

Outstanding!

Let's see what's listed under "bird".

Check it out!

Both: whoa!

Both: whoa!

(Barking angrily)

(grunting)

whoa! Deep freeze!

That was quite a crash you boys had!

Are either of you hurt?

We are quite together, thank you.

Most intemperate weather you are having!

Seventy degrees below zero is not unusual, at all

here in antarctica!

Both: antarctica?

But we were looking up "bird," dude!

You know, things that fly!

Then you came to the right place. I'm admiral byrd!

Drag! I don't think this bird can fly!

Byrd: there are lots of exotic birds where I'm going.

But first, you have to rebuild the dog kennel,

otherwise, I'll have some mighty unhappy sled dogs around here.

(Barking angrily)

you better be quick about it.

Whoa! What's the rush, mr. Admiral byrd?

I intend to be the first man to fly over the south pole.

And it's critical that I accomplish my mission before nightfall.

Dude! Aren't you a little old to have a curfew?

No! Down here, the nights are six months long!

Six months long?

Whoa! That's one long drive-in movie!

We don't have much time if we want to fly with the byrd dude!

At least the booth survived our crash landing.

(Grunting) we've got to rebuild the kennel.

Good thing we took wood shop last semester.

Yes, ted, but you forgot. We didn't learn anything.

Besides, it would be of little use,

the frame of this edifice is most non-existent.

See?

Ted: bogus!

Never fear. We will accomplish our task with the building material at hand,

of which, fortunately, there is an abundant supply.

Both: ice!

A perfect fit!

A most excellent igloo if I ever saw one! Which I have not!

There remains one further difficulty to overcome, however.

Mmm, I see what you mean, ted.

But, as somebody once said,

"no dude is an island."

(Barking)

suddenly, it's standing room only around here.

Scope it out!

A k*ller whale.

I shampoo, in a show at marine world!

Bill: somehow, I doubt this whale has any interest in showbiz, ted.

Let's motor!

(Both panting)

(plane taking off)

bogus! Mr. Admiral byrd has flown the coop without us!

Bogus, indeed! We are now going to have to locate the south pole on our own.

(Dogs barking)

and now I know how.

We will doubtlessly need supplies

if we are to undertake such a momentous journey.

Bill: see if you can find a map and a compass.

That way if we get lost, we'll know where we are!

Ted: how about this stuff?

What? Mush?

(Barking)

both: whoa!

Bill: ted, as you are the principal navigator of our most triumphant expedition,

I must ask, since we have been traveling for some time now,

where are we?

In truth, bill, I do not know.

This is a map to the stars homes!

Whoa!

Did you know that jack nicholson lived...

Forget the map, dude, check out the compass.

No help here, bill.

I strongly suspect this compass is busted,

as the needle will not remain pointed in any direction!

Admiral byrd to base, I cannot read my position.

My compass is reacting to the polar magnetic field. It's useless!

Mmm-hmm! Half my fuel is gone.

The wind screen is badly iced up, and I'm losing altitude.

Wait a minute. I see something on the ground.

It looks like... It is a dog sled!

If they've got their bearings, I can get back on course!

Bill: we haven't found exotic bird one,

we have no idea where we are

and now I know what a frosty slush feels like!

Ted, I am open to suggestions as to what we should do next.

Look! It's a plane!

No, it's byrd!

Mr. Admiral byrd,

you are just the person to help us

with a minor navigational problem.

Yes! Where are we?

The needle of my compass is spinning too!

This can only mean one thing,

gentlemen, we are standing directly on top of the south pole!

Congratulations, sir.

It could not have happened to a nicer dude!

I would have had a tough time without your help!

Well that takes care of your mission,

but it didn't get us a bird, mr. Admiral byrd.

What about them?

They're penguins!

Hmm. Exotic. Right size. Rare

ahh. But, alas, you're right, ted. They're penguins.

Could we not take this one home

and tell mr. Stickler that his bird molted while he was gone?

Outstanding idea, ted.

(Squawking angrily)

both: not!

It is my expert considered opinion

that our bird loving employer would not buy that explanation.

We had best booth, ted.

Both: so long, admiral!

The best of luck to you, boys.

Ted, check under "exotic bird species" this time.

All you have to do is spell it for me, dude!

Both: whoa!

Whoa! Crank up the air conditioning!

Yeah, I am suddenly more than thawed

from our recent antarctic experience.

Meanwhile, I saw some birds just as we dropped in,

but none of them looked like prince rupert.

Man: ahem!

And why aren't we working on pharaoh's tomb, like everyone else?

Tomb?

I did not realize the end was so near for the poor guy!

I did not even know he was sick!

Move along now. "Busy, busy, busy!"

That's our motto on this bank of the nile!

Bill and ted: (stuttering) but...

The pharaoh gonna like this one little bit!

Dude, this is worse than waiting outside the principal's office!

I trust you are thinking of a way out of this predicament?

Rest assured, ted, my respected amigo, it has my full attention.

No whispering!

Okay, so the pharaoh will see you now.

Oh, most wise, prudent and generous pharaoh, tutankhamun!

Both: king tut!

Not bad!

You left out "handsome." Don't ever forget "handsome."

Oh, right, you are.

Most wise, prudent, handsome and generous pharaoh, tutankhamen!

These unworthy ones have been brought before you

so that you may pass judgment upon them.

Miss nefertiti! Do we have a list of their crimes?!

Um, yes, most wise, prudent, generous, fab,

oh, and hunk of a pharaoh.

We just like, need your signature.

Quick! Let me have one of prince rupert's feathers and something to write on!

Ahem! I would consider it an honor

if you would use my pen and paper, sir.

Your "pen" and "paper?"

If I could just borrow some of miss nefertiti's eyeliner, too?

This is the format of all correspondence from now on!

At least until portable laptop computers!

And now for your reward!

Both: a reward! Outstanding!

Yes. The chance to immortalize my face in stone.

Bill and ted: bogus.

Bill: and so, without further ado,

my distinguished associate, ted "theodore" logan,

and i, bill s. Preston, esquire,

give you the fifth wonder of the world...

Both: the sphinx!

(Crowd cheering)

(cracking)

(crowd clamoring)

you have dishonored me! Guards! Seize them!

Bail, bill!

Guard 1: out of our way!

Guard 2: on special business!

Guard 3: make way for king tut's guards!

Ted, this would seem an opportune moment to make good our escape.

I am with you, dude!

(Imitating nefertiti) head for the nile, dudes,

and do not spare the sneaker rubber, okay!

This is a way cool limo these egyptian dudes have!

Yes, but where is the tv?

Tut: those two wild and zany guys will be in deep sand when I get them!

Oh, you come back here this instant!

Ted: dude, I believe our wheels just deserted us! Let's jam!

There they are! Don't let them get away!

One hump or two?

Uh, two!

Ted, my noble compatriot, have you ever ridden a camel?

No, bill, my most valued friend,

but I have ridden an elephant at the petting zoo!

Both: giddy-up!

(Groaning)

hup! Hup! Hup! Hyah, camel!

(Clicking tongue)

look there ted, is it a mirage?

Ted: I do not know, dude. What is a mirage?

Bill: something that is there, but not really there.

Ted: then that cannot be a mirage, because it is our booth!

Bill: oh, right! Of course it is!

Both: rufus!

I'm just here as a decoy. Try the next phone booth over.

Thanks, rufus!

Both: catch you later!

Yoo-hoo, boys! I'm over here.

Catch me if you can!

So far, we have been frosted and toasted

in our search for a prince rupert look-alike.

How about basted dude?

Both: whoa!

(Chittering)

our most humble apologies for dropping in on you unannounced.

Jane! That's no way to treat a guest!

By the by, i, uh, didn't catch your names...

I am bill s. Preston, esquire, and

this is my distinguished associate, ted "theodore" logan.

Hi.

Man: that's jane. You'll have to excuse her

sometimes she's just like a little kid.

(Chittering)

and I'm henry stanley, newspaperman.

Check out these feathers, mr. Newspaperman.

You mean this feather?

Indeed, that is the very one.

Have you, in your travels, perhaps seen the bird that goes with it?

Hmmm, buff-headed wood hoopoe. I've seen plenty of 'em,

and in that condition, too!

But wouldn't you rather have one that looked like that!

(Squawking)

these loud-mouthed little pests are all over this part of the jungle.

Both: excellent!

(Playing air guitar)

(chittering)

you have done us a most momentous favor, mr. Newspaperman

(chittering)

ah, you're right, jane! Where are my manners!

It's been a long time since I've had anyone to talk to.

I'm trading some supplies at a village in exchange for food.

Would you boys stay for supper?

(Chittering excitedly)

both: we would be most honored!

So, mr. Newspaperman, you have not told us why you are in africa.

I'm searching for a doctor named livingstone.

Are you not feeling well?

Oh, no! Never felt better. I'm a reporter, see.

I need to interview the doc, he's page one news!

(Burps) excuse me!

Ahem. Speaking of newsworthy

those little roasted chickens were a delight to the taste buds.

Yes, the villagers have a special way of preparing small birds.

(Chittering)

bill, wasn't that...

The box containing...

Both: price rupert iv?

Oh, ted, we have made a most heinous and potentially costly mistake!

Yes, bill, but it was a tasty one!

Sorry, boys, your box must've got mixed up

with the other supplies I took to the village.

Ted, did we really, uh... (Retches)

ted: we will never know.

Well, I guess we'll be traveling together a while longer.

(Chittering excitedly)

we are running out of time

to find a reasonable replica prince rupert bird!

This is true, ted. Mr. Stickler will soon be back,

and will think we were derelicts in our duties.

Plus, he will not wish to pay us for our house-sitting labors!

Hang on, we've got some tough white water rapids ahead.

But this boat is sturdy enough to take them.

We've been through a lot together.

(Chittering)

(squawking)

hang onto this for a minute!

(Chittering)

henry: rapids ahead!

Go for it, dude!

Missed him!

What is going on?

(Chittering)

both: whoa!

(Squawks)

livingston: I say, what is all this commotion about?

Dr. Livingston, I presume?

Henry stanley, I suppose?

I haven't heard such noise in years.

(Squawks loudly)

except for these obnoxious little creatures, of course.

We will be only too happy to take him off your hands!

Or shoulder as the case may be.

And good riddance.

Bill: no, jane!

(Chittering)

for a moment there, ted, I thought our goose was most cooked all over again.

(Squawks loudly)

ted: welcome back, mr. Stickler!

We were just checking on prince rupert iii.

Stickler: be with you in a moment, boys.

Stay out, max, you persistent rascal!

(Door slamming)

he looks just as happy and healthy as when I left!

You can divide this between you, prompt payment, as promised!

You are most generous.

Yes, call on us anytime!

Oof! We should...

We should be going now, eh, ted?

We have guitar practice.

By the way, did you have a good time in mexico?

Yeah, did you scope out any babes?

Uh, no, but I did see a sula nebouxii!

That is, a blue-footed booby.

(Playing loud rock music)

(door opening)

come quickly boys, there's something I want you both to see!

We may be in major trouble,

I believe he's discovered the switch!

(Meowing)

stickler: prince rupert iii has laid an egg!

Ted, you bonehead! You brought back a "princess" rupert!

Stickler: I never imagined that this might be a female bird.

And me, a so-called expert. (Chuckles)

oh, this is a wonderful surprise!

I don't know what to do.

But max does!

Oh, shoo! Shoo! Go away, max!

Hasn't he had enough to eat already?

I believe that the main course has merely

whetted his appetite for dessert!

Don't just stand there, do something!

(Max meowing)

(ted grunts)

max! Wouldn't you prefer a nice savory mouse instead?

Or perhaps maybe a tasty hoagie?

(Max shrieking)