01x02 - The Birth of Rock & Roll or Too Hip for the Womb

[bunniefuu]

RUFUS: I had been selected for a most important journey.

I was to help fulfill the destiny

of the Two Great Ones,

Bill and Ted.

[both] Wyld Stallyns Rule!

♪ Whenever time stands still ♪

♪ And trouble moves too fast ♪

♪ To save the future ♪

♪ We must learn About the past ♪

[whooshes]

Whoa!

[vocalizing]

Excellent!

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures ♪

[both] Bogus!

♪ Most outstanding every day ♪

♪ It's outrageous So bodacious ♪

♪ Help is always on the way ♪

[expl*si*n]

♪ Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures ♪

♪ It's a party That's for sure ♪

♪ Bill and Ted's Most Excellent Adventures ♪

[Bill and Ted] Most triumphant!

[parade music playing]

[bell ringing]

-[music stops] -All right, people.

Uh, who can tell me the title of that piece?

Ted?

Six seconds on the clock.

Logan lines up the winning field goal.

The kick is up...

And it is most precise!

Three points! Logan rules!

[both] Lo-gan! Lo-gan! Lo-gan!

Logan! Preston!

I am tired of your goofing off in class!

Sorry, my teacher.

It was for the championship.

Which one of you can name that last piece of music?

Ted, my friend, I can name that tune in five notes.

Bill, my most esteemed compatriot,

I can name that tune in...

Four notes.

Will you guys just name that tune?

Uh, I think it is the theme song

from that old time TV show...

[both] The Lone Ranger!

No, it's the William Tell Overture.

You guys never pay attention in class.

You speak the truth, Kemosabe.

[all laugh]

Can you boys give me even one example of classical music?

But of course.

[rock 'n roll music playing]

William! Theodore! This is an outrage!

[music continues]

[twang]

Wait until you hear the flipside, teacher creature.

Bill, Ted, do you even have any idea what classical music is?

Anything written before 1978?

And anything by Eddie Van Halen.

[high-pitched guitar riff]

That does it!

I want a report on classical music

sitting on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.

[both] No way!

Yes way, or you two clowns can just consider yourselves

music appreciation flunkouts.

[both] So? Major brain drain!

[Ted] Bill, my friend, I am most entirely confused.

If this music truly is from the 17th century,

how come it's on CD?

Ted, my distinguished colleague,

they transferred it to CD from the original LP.

I cannot relate.

None of these old time dudes even played electric guitar.

Excuse me, Mrs. Fellow music store customer.

Might you be able to give us an insight into classical music?

Ah, Bach, Tchaikovsky,

Rossini, Puccini...

Drag! This lady doesn't even speak English.

[scoffs]

[Rufus] Amigos. Are you in need of assistance?

[both] Rufus!

I was just checking out the latest album

by New Boys on the Corner.

-[both] And? -They stink.

But that's not why I'm here.

Excellent!

You have come to help us with our report on classical music!

Gentlemen, that would be cheating.

However, I do have clearance to say three words.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Amadeus?

Did he not make a movie a while back?

Yeah, my family rented that flick.

It was most triumphant.

And he really liked to...

[both] Party on, dude!

Brainstorm!

Let's travel back to this Wolfman's time

and ask him to assist us with our report.

Most excellent.

Hey, Rufus, when did this Wolfgang-man live?

1780. Salzburg, Austria. Be there.

Thanks, Rufus!

Later, dude!

Hmm.

This looks most amusing.

[Ted] Salzburg.

Is that not where those steaks come from?

No, Ted. You are thinking of Hamburger, Germany.

[Ted] Oh yeah, right next door to Frankfurter.

[whooshes]

[both scream]

[both] Whoa!

[zapping]

Whoa, dude!

This must be the place.

[bell ringing]

It's about time you showed up.

And just because there's two of you,

doesn't mean that I am paying double.

Honey, the babysitters are here.

[both] Babysitters? Way juvenile.

Oh, hello, boys.

Whoa! Babe alert, dude.

Now, Wolfi has a snack at 7:00,

a bath at 7:30,

and then playtime until 9:00.

Is it okay if he watches TV?

Come along, dear.

By the time we get to the Oktoberfest,

it will be November. [laughs]

Oh, and there's some Braunschweiger in the ice house.

Help yourselves.

Nice couple, but I think the dad is wearing a wig.

I hope you're not going to be mean like all my other babysitters.

That is the musical brainiac, Wolfi Amadeus?

Dude, we must have dialed a wrong number and gone back too far.

[both] Drag!

Come out, young classical dude who is but a mere punk.

[Wolfi] You're not mad at me, are you?

[Ted] Au contraire.

We plan to make some crunchy rice marshmallow treats.

Marshmallows stick to my retainer.

Hey, you wanna play catch?

[Bill] Whoa. Most certainly, dude.

[both] Whoa!

[shatters]

Dude, let us ditch this young rowdy and find us another composer.

But we promised his folks we would babysit.

[both scream]

[crashing]

[water splashing]

He is a pleasant little boy.

[both] Not!

[dialing tone]

But I don't want another babysitter.

I like you chaps.

-[crackling] -[Ted] Truly, young Wolfman,

my bro, Deacon, is a lad of your similar vintage.

And like you, he has difficulty playing well with others.

[both] Whoa!

[whispering]

Oh, man!

Did I not tell you to go before we left the 18th century?

Hello, operator?

Please cut this call short as we must make a pit stop

before one of the passengers has a most odious accident.

[all screaming]

How is it going, young Wolfman?

Wolfi, you are supposed to pull down, tear up,

not grab, hold, run fast.

Whoa, Bill!

This kid is like a TP virtuoso.

Ted, my friend,

I believe it is time to reel in

this most mischievous young guppy.

[glass shattering]

[Little Richard] Whoo...

Whoa, dude. That sounded expensive.

That was fun. Let's do it again.

What's going on back here?

I was carrying this stack of dishes when, all of a sudden,

wop-bop-a-loo-mop a-lop-bam-boom!

And I was just enjoying some harmless playtime.

You wouldn't blame a small child, would you?

Ted, do you know who that man is?

Most certainly. It is the dishwasher.

No, dude. That is Little Richard,

the musical singing sensation

whose tune we played in music class,

much to the distress of our teacher.

Whoa, talk about your serendipity.

Penniman, you're fired!

Good golly, Miss Molly!

Lady, before we go,

can I have a pfennig for the gum machine?

No!

Dude, we are most apologetic about losing you your job.

However, you are Little Richard,

the man who will soon invent a style of music

which is destined to take the world by storm.

You will be more famous than Chad Allen.

I can live with that.

But what I need is enough money to make a new record.

Bill, let us just go and get a loan from my dad.

Ted, it is 1955.

Your dad is only 12 years old.

Oh, then let us go pick on him.

[laughs] Whoa, dude!

Timely thought.

Let us pay little Mr. Richard to babysit young Wolfi

while we go find another composer!

[both] Most excellent!

[guitar music playing]

Dude, where are we going?

Back to find that righteous composer

-who wrote the Overture we heard in class... -[dialing tone]

[both] William Tell!

[zapping]

Oh, my soul!

Those boys come and go so fast!

Hey, mister, can I have an ice-cream cone?

-Tutti frutti? -All rooty.

Woo!

[grunts]

[both screaming]

[crackling]

Dude, I think we have arrived.

Now let's find Mr. William Tell...

Whoa, dude!

This is definitely most...

[both] Bogus!

Ted, this is indeed

a most non-triumphant situation.

We are stuck atop this jagged peak with no way down.

[mountain goat bleating]

Look, Bill.

A friendly mountain goat has come to save us.

Hiya, boy.

Run. Go to the village.

Go tell Timmy we need help.

Ted, my friend, that is a goat, not Lassie.

And he does not look very friendly to me.

Bill, do not try to tell me about goats.

As a child, I spent much time at the petting zoo,

and I know that goats...

[both screaming]

[Heidi] Grandfather!

Heidi!

Grandfather!

Heidi!

Grandfather!

Heidi!

[both] Whoa!

Heidi?

Grandfather!

[screaming]

You're not Heidi.

♪ The Alps are replete ♪

♪ With the noise of... ♪

[screaming]

[woman] Music.

[both] Whoa!

All right, you peasants, you know the law!

Bow to my hat!

Why should we?

Because it's the prettiest hat

in all of Switzerland, that's why.

If you ask me, it's not as pretty as William Tell's.

Woe to anyone

who shows disrespect to my very handsome hat.

Outrageous ride, dude.

Better than the fake Matterhorn, any day.

Who are you impudent hooligans?

Hi h*, Swiss dude.

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Together, we are...

-[both] Wyld Stallyns! -[HIGH-PITCHED GUITAR RIFF]

Zounds.

Look what you've done to my one beautiful hat.

Guards...

Throw them in the dungeon.

Chain them to the wall!

And no milk chocolate.

Whoa, this Swiss is cheesed off.

[technician] All right, Mr. Penniman,

you can begin your demo now.

[whirring]

[piano off-key]

Whoo!

Sounds like a bad haircut.

Rough on the sides, and flat on the top.

[clattering]

Ow! [groans]

Have mercy, child!

I'm sorry, mister.

I guess I just need some other outlet

into which to channel my creative energies.

Well, then get your fanny over here, young man.

C'mon, son.

Mighty big harpsichord, mister.

This here's a piano.

Eighty-eight keys

which can unlock the secrets of your very soul.

Listen close as I rip it up.

[piano music playing]

That's very interesting.

Might I try it, mister?

Be my guest.

[piano playing]

No, no, no, kid!

Don't just bang away at it...

Although that's not a bad sound.

Let me try.

Yeah. That's what I call slippin' and slidin'.

Now you're getting' it!

Mercy!

Get down!

Shake it, Amadeus!

[laughs] Hey, mister, this is fun.

Whoo!

[over comms] Eddie, do you hear what I hear?

[Little Richard] Whoo!

A whole new style of music

which is destined to take the world by storm.

[Little Richard] Whoo!

Whoa, Ted.

We are in deep distress.

No jest, Bill.

Our report is due in a couple of hours,

and we have yet to meet William Tell of Overture fame.

[rattles]

Don't mind me, I'm breaking out of this joint.

Be our guest, Mister, uh...

Tell. William Tell.

Excellent!

We would do an "Air Guitar" duet

if we were not chained up.

Dude, my most distinguished colleague and I

have traveled 700 years back through time

and risked our lives to ask you

some most probing questions about music.

I hate music.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the grocer's

to buy an apple for my son.

[both] Drag!

Guilty. I sentence you to 100 years of hard labor.

Dude, that would make us seriously late for our report.

Uh, Mr. Bailiff Sir,

could we not just do some uh, like, community service?

Tell you what,

if one of you shoots an apple off the other one's head,

you can both go free.

[both] Most outstanding!

Dude, I feel just like your assistant in a magic act.

Oh, I would prefer a beautiful babe

wearing tights and a leotard.

Logan, choose your weapon.

Whoa, dude,

my mother told me never to play with sharp objects.

May I choose my own choice of weapons instead?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Just hurry it up.

I've got a yodeling lesson in 20 minutes.

Anybody got a piece of eight-and-a-half by eleven notebook paper?

Three-hole punched?

Oh, here. I have located one.

I did not want to take this home, anyway.

Ready, dude?

Ready, dude.

Mr. Esquire, do you have any last questions?

Yes, your bovine countenance.

Whose job is it to punch all those little holes in the cheese?

Excellent question, dude.

Silence! Proceed!

[shaking]

Huh? Seize them!

C'mon, Ted, let's bail!

-Dial, dude! Dial! -[dialing tone]

[crackling]

[both screaming]

That was most definitely a close call, Bill.

Yes, Ted, but this is most egregious!

Little Richard and the obnoxious young brat, Wolfi, have vanished.

[engine whirring]

[piano playing]

Great gosh a mighty.

It's about time you boys got back.

Driver. [snaps fingers]

[chauffeur] A whole new sound destined to

take the world by storm.

[music playing on radio]

And I should know.

Number 17 with a b*llet.

And he's got a record deal with a major label.

I owe it all to you boys and the Wolfman!

Congrats, Mr. Little Richard.

Could you perhaps do us a favor in return?

[Scanlon] Well, Logan and Preston

were supposed to present their report this morning,

but since they didn't even bother to show up for school today,

I'm gonna have to fail them. [laughs]

-[door opens] -[Bill] Whoa, Mr. Scanlon, slow up!

My esteemed colleague, Ted and I are quite prepared

to present our report on how rock 'n roll and classical music

are really one and the same.

Check it out!

[all gasp]

All set, dudes?

Ready, Teddy!

[piano playing]

♪ Good golly Miss Molly ♪

♪ We sure had a ball ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Molly ♪

♪ We sure had a ball ♪

♪ When you're Rocking and rolling

♪ You can't hear Your mama call ♪

♪ From the early Early morning ♪

♪ Till the early, early night ♪

♪ You can see Miss Molly rocking ♪

♪ At the house of blue light ♪

♪ Good golly Miss Molly ♪

♪ You sure had a ball ♪

♪ Oh, when you're Rocking and rolling

♪ You can't hear Your mama call ♪

♪ Yaao ♪

[music continues]

♪ Good golly Miss Molly ♪

♪ We sure had a ball ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Molly ♪

♪ You sure had a ball ♪

♪ Oh, when you're Rocking and rolling ♪

♪ You can't hear Your mama call ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

[horses and carriage approaching]

I hope everything went all right

with the babysitters.

That Wolfi can be a handful.

Don't worry, Melissa.

If the babysitters sustained any serious injuries,

I will give them a moderate tip.

Greetings, mater and pater of Little Wolfi!

Did Wolfgang give you any trouble?

No way, Mr. and Mrs. Jose!

He was like an angel.

And, there is no charge.

The pleasure of sitting with your little dude was all ours!

Oh, well, thank you, Liebchen.

We gotta go, Teutons! So long!

Farewell!

Auf Wiedersehen!

Goodbye. Do we have your number?

Wolfi? Wolfi, dear!

Hey, parental dudes.

[gasps]

Like, check it out!

[Mr. Mozart] Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!

What on earth has happened to you?

I have decided to become a most bodacious musician!

How totally bogus!

Ah!

Next stop, Macon, Georgia,1955.

How long before we get there?

About three minutes, Mr. Richard.

Great! Just enough time to jam.

[both] Excellent!

[Little Richard] A wop-bop-a-loo-bop a-wop-bam-boom!

[all screaming]