01x00 - A Christmas Surprise for Mrs. Stillman

[bunniefuu]

Wrapping gifts always
reminds me of my dad.

He wasn't a big gift giver.
I can hear him now.

Gifts? When I was a kid, we didn't
give gifts, we were too poor.

We gave each other headings.

Dad, I still got mine from last year.

I heard that.

But the truth is, I do have
some fond memories of Christmas.

When I was a kid growing
up in the Midwest,

as soon as Thanksgiving was over,

everybody seemed to immediately
get into the spirit of the season.

Except for my family.

- Tommy! Stop pushing!
- Let me see !

***

We never had a Christmas
like the families on TV did.

Dad, when are we gonna
put up our lights?

When the w*r was on
we couldn't put up lights.

What?

My mom would always
interpret for my dad.

Your dad is telling you
not this weekend, but next.

What?

We're not putting up lights this year.

We're conserving energy.

Who is ? Yours ?

Too early for this garbage.

I mean... Ah, there's a fishing show.

Ah, it's a Christmas show
disguised as a fishing show.

Ah, I knew it. There's
a Santa on the boat.

That's a Christmas spirit.

I heard that.

Winter arrived early in
Cedar Noll, Wisconsin.

By Christmas time,
we always had a ton of snow.

School closures are
Districts 119, 204, 221.

Districts 807, 516, 214...

Hey, no school!

Alright, no school today!

- Yay! No school!
- Yay ! Yay !

No school!

Yeah! No school!

What are you so excited about?

You don't even go to school.

Mom, wrap them up nice and tight.

So I can spin them with all my might!

Top head.

Now, you two be careful.

Mom!

There's three feet of snow,
and if one of you gets hurt,

the ambulance won't
be able to get through.

Good. Maybe he better stay in.

Louie, give this to your father.

Hey, I'm not going near that bathroom.

No, he's not in there.

Where is he?

When I was...

Uh, shovels nowadays.

Yeah, make it...

Oh, man.

What are you trying to do?

Burn me alive?

Mom said you might want a warm-up.

Yeah.

Hey, Mrs. Stillman, need some help?

Oh, good morning, boys.

I know the paper is here somewhere.

We'll find it, Mrs. Stillman.

Well, I think I looked there, Tommy.

Watch out, Tommy.

I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but there's snow creatures under here.

They grab onto your legs.

They pull you into the white hole.

Here it is.

Oh, thank you, Louie.

You're a sweet boy.

I make the snowballs.

You guys throw them on each other.

You're a brave one.

In planning the sneak attack,

we needed a volunteer to be the decoy.

Hey, that's not fair.

Hey, that's my brother.

No!

Oh! No!

Now, everybody loves to
be in a snowball fight,

but we all have the fear of getting
hit in the ear with that ice ball.

Now, I don't care how tough you are.

Cease fire!

No throwing in the ear!

Hey, look, Louie's crying.

I am not crying!

Hey, Louie, you all right?

I'm going in, okay?

Come back, Louie.

And even though you got hit in the ear,

you'd always limp.

Why you limping?

You'd hit in the ear with an ice ball?

The pain was so bad.

I mean, you felt that you could
even swear and get away with it.

Ah, darn it!

Didn't you hear me?

Darn it!

What's all the yelling about?

Oh, Andy, are you going to
put the lights up after work?

Why, of course.

That's what I live for.

It's just my luck.

We're going to get the
Christmas tree, Christmas tree.

Out of that kid !

There weren't any cars, no congestion.
He had a horse and a mule, that's it!

Mom thought that if we could
get Dad to go off by the tree,

then he might get in
the right frame of mind.

So he would put up the lights.

Aaaaaaah! Oh, man!

Well, it seemed like a good idea.

For crying out loud !

Don't these people have
anything better to do?

They have a TV or a sick
relative they can take care of.

Let's split up.

I'm going with Mom.

Now hold on there, buddy.

Hold your horses there, pal.

I know how to work with these guys.
They buy these trees for a quarter each.

Then they mark them up about 200%.

This is it. We'll take this one.

That's an excellent choice, ma'am.

No, no, not that one. This one here.

How much for this tree?

That's a $35 tree.

What? What, are you going to
come over and decorate it for us?

I'll give you three bucks for it.

Oh, my gosh! He's not our legal father.

Give me that saw out of the garage.

Go on and get that stand
out of the basement.

You mean the stand that
came over on the Mayflower?

That's a good stand.

Things have been handed down
generation after generation.

When I was a kid, we
didn't have any stands.

We had to take turns holding that tree.

We worked on that tree for,
what, three, four hours?

Put it over the right now.

Move the other leg here.
Push the thing down.

Every year, the same thing.

He'd put it in the stand.

Dad, it's crooked!

Put it by the TV. No one will notice.

For $35, that tree should dance.

Well, sooner or later, Mom would talk
Dad to stringing up the lights.

** plug.

Merry Christmas.

Of course, he'd go all out
and really make us proud.

The squirrel, she gets the decorations.

I've outdone myself once again.

Hey, ***

I'll tell you, I could put some of
your mother's relatives out there.

Good night for them, thank you.

Here's a treat for you, boys.

Eat up, they're fresh.

Just bend your body
over a little like that.

Put your right hand up here, under here.

That's right, now scratch it softly.

That's right !

Now then, put your tounge under
your lip under your teeth.

- Like this ?
- Like that.

Like that.

For crying out loud !
What the heck is this?

Louie, put the doughnut
down and put on Channel 2!

Poor Mrs. Stillman.

You know Mrs. Stillman is
all alone this Christmas.

Lucky her.

Her son and daughter moved to Florida.

She can't afford to fly to see them.

She can't afford to buy any presents.

Can't even afford to
buy a Christmas tree.

I don't think she's having
any company this year

or is invited to any Christmas dinners.

Quiet! I said quiet!

My mom just brushed it off like
she did a hundred times before,

knowing he really didn't mean it.

Well...

But I decided it was time
to stick up for my mom.

- Hey, Dad !
- Listen, pal.

You be quiet, too.

Quiet? Hmm.

Don't tell me to be quiet.

Quiet! You're ruining this whole family.

I have an idea.

Now, I put a lovely roast in the oven.

It won't be ready for three hours.

Oh, medium rare. Just the way I like it.

So I'm going over to Mrs. Stillman's

to offer to take her
to the grocery store.

And this will allow you enough
time to decorate her house.

No, darn it.

I've been waiting for
this episode all week.

Isn't there an extra box of
Christmas lights in the garage

that Janet's daughter's
cousin's husband gave to us?

You remember.

I put them all up.

Why can't Mrs. Stillman
put up her own lights?

Since Mr. Stillman passed,
Mrs. Stillman is all alone.

She probably can't afford decorations.

You understand.

Poor Mrs. Stillman. Yeah.

Probably collected a hundred grand worth
of insurance from the old codger kit.

Or even better.

Andy, I'm sure we have an extra box.

Well, we have an extra box.

Why don't we put them around my room?

Louie?

They're on the shelf
next to the paint thinner.

You know, the paint thinner we used
to get the gum out of Tommy's hair.

Three hours.

There's a box next to the paint thinner.

Brilliant.

This was a perfect time for
me to go and clean my room.

That's right.

Get your coat, because
you're coming with me.

I'd better stay here with Tommy.

Your sister will watch him.

Laura, watch your brother down here.

Don't let him blow up the house.

I'm going over to the
Stillman house to rob it.

With Louie.

Just what I needed.

To go out in the sub-zero weather
with the abominable loudmouth.

It's very important to make
sure all the bulbs light

before you spend hours putting them up.

Oh, there's a thought.

I heard that.

In those days, if you had one bad bulb,

the whole string would be out.

Wow!

Darn it!

They work.

Come on.

Let's get this over with.

On the first day of
Christmas, my wife...

Dad?

Check me.

Can you believe it?

Mrs. Stillman doesn't
even have a Christmas tree.

Yeah?

She's 35 bucks richer, too.

Here, untangle these.

It's difficult enough to
try to get through childhood

with sausage links as fingers.

But then to cap them
off with oven mittens?

Will you hurry up?

I'm freezing my keister off while
you're twiddling your thumbs.

I'd like to see him handle
hammer nails wearing these things.

I heard that.

All right, now, bring that over here.

You, on the ladder.
Drop your weapon.

Get that light out of my eye.

Step down from that
ladder with your hands up.

How do you suppose I do that?

This is gonna be good.

Get him up, pal.

All right, all right.

Good call, Joe.

Dad, are you okay?

You kidding?

I'd use a jump out of
a plane without a sh**t.

You got it all wrong.

Keep them up.

I'm a neighbor.

I'm just putting up some Christmas
tree lights for old lady Stillman.

She's lonely.

It doesn't look like anyone's home.

That's the idea.

It's a surprise.

I live across the street.

See?

And you're gonna put lights up here?

It's my lovely wife's idea, officer.

And if I don't do it,
she'll drive me nuts.

You should have pointed
to a different house, pal.

We may have believed you.

Cuff him.

Hey, it's ***

What are you doing?

You have rights to remain silent.

- I was in a w*r.
- You have the right to remain silent.

Excuse me, Mr. Officer.

Hello?

Excuse me, I'm Louis Anderson.

That's my dad.

That's my kid.

He's telling the truth.

The box of lights and
stuff is over there.

You can put your hands down now, son.

Son, I said you can put your hands down.

They are down, sir.

All right, Mr. Anderson,
you may resume your work.

One word of advice.

This house better look a heck
of a lot better than your house,

or we'll be back.

Lucky thing for you, my hand was numb.

My dad never spoke words of sentiment,

but he did thank me in his own way.

Hurry up.

I'm freezing my w*r wound off.

What am I doing up here?

I have no idea.

Hold it steady.

What are you trying to do?

Make me fall and break my neck?

Now you know the bad jobs.

Plugging lights into each other.

He's up there on the
roof skating around.

No fun.

I could be electrocuted down there.

What the heck ?

I'm falling!

Season to be joley...

That man's robbing Mrs. Stillman!

Get him!

You crook!

Ow!

Ew!

Robber !

Stop!

Ah! Normandy again!

Hey, Louie, help us out!
We caught a robber!

What's the big idea?

Ow!

That's your dad, Louie?

Yeah.

We're in trouble.

We gotta help him.

There's a ladder on the side.
Now let's get it.

Let's hurry!

Hurry up, you kids! I'm losing my grip!

You can say that again.

I heard that.

Ouch!

We're surprising Mrs. Stillman
by decorating her house.

The kids all liked Mrs. Stillman.

A couple of them ran home to see if
they could find some extra lights,

which really irritated my dad.

He hated it when people helped him.

He'd much rather do it himself
and then complain all the way home.

Hey, don't bunch them together.

Gotta make sure they're
spaced out evenly and stuff.

Oh, she's got the holes.

I mean that's not...

Yeah, she thinks she knows everything.

Somebody's future mother-in-law
is telling that right now.

Face them all, all right.

This is so exciting.

Yeah, this better work.

For crying out loud, now what?

Louis, check inside and see if Miss
Lonely has paid her electric bill yet.

Yep. I see a light on in the kitchen.

Alright, now we've only got about
ten minutes till they get here.

We're gonna have to check every bulb.
Spread out here!

So, we did what Dad suggested.

Checked every bulb one by
one with our replacement bulb.

My dad pitched in, of course.

Louie! You missed the evergreen.
Check the evergreen!

I think the louder my dad
yelled, the warmer he felt.

Louie, check Santa!

Make sure he's grounded.

Grounded? Make sure you're grounded.

I heard that.

Hey guys, here they come!

Are you sure it's my car?

I'd know that piece of
junk green rambler any day.

That car's a classic.

Where are they?

Oh, what are we gonna do?
The lights aren't on yet.

Don't worry. We got it all night.

That clunker won't make
it around the corner.

Hey, Dad! Look!

Look for the plug.

Ah, here we go.

Hurry up! Here they come!

Stand back. I know what I'm doing here.

I'm an electrician.

Clear !

Wow!

We did it!

Hey, yeah!

Oh my! I can't believe it!

What? This is beautiful!

- Mr. Stillman!
- Mr. Stillman!

Surprise!

My dad had done it.

The electrical wizard that
he was had single-handedly,

with the help of some wet snow,
managed to jumpstart the lights.

And I think seeing Mrs. Stillman's
reaction to the surprise

really touched my dad's heart.

Wait till that old bird
sees her electric bill.

She'll wish she was Mary Addison.

Hey, Anderson.

Nice job.

Not too bad, huh ?

You gonna help the lady take
this stuff down in January?

Why, you...

Ah, there's always a catch.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, great.

I'll give you three guesses
who dad nominated for that job.

Mrs. Stillman made hot chocolate,
and we sang Christmas carols.

Holy night.

My dad didn't join us.
He'd had enough socializing for one night.

He went home to spread holiday
cheer with the rest of the family.

What have we got here, poor little guy?

I was real proud of my dad that night.

Later we realized why Mrs. Stillman
didn't put up Christmas decorations.

She was Jewish.

Regardless, it was a special Christmas
for me and the entire neighborhood.

Christmas morning was special too.

My dad would announce the price
of each gift as it was open.

Now, if they're happy, this
sled was about 12 bucks.

We'll be eating for a month,
but they could slide down a hill.

Maybe they'll hit a deer and
then we'll be able to cook it.

The only way to break even on that deal.

Wow!

You better like that.

I had to take out a second
mortgage on the house to pay for it.

And we don't even own this house.

Here, Dad, open mine.

For me? Thank you very much.

Hey, I've been looking for these tools!

You got me.

All right, Mr. Funny Guy.

Very amusing.

Just like his old man.

So where's the real present?
Come on, let's see it.

What'd you really give me?

A little something for
the head of the household?

A little booty for the breadwinner?

Eh? A little hail to the chief?

You wouldn't stiff
your old man, would you?

Would you, Louie?

Son? Friend?

This year, I'm giving my dad
a gift that he'll really love.

I'm giving him his jumper tables back.

Well, I hope you
enjoyed Life with Louie.

From my family to yours,
I hope you have a great holiday season.