01x11 - Next Time, Phone Ahead / Nerdator

[bunniefuu]

[ENGINES WINDING DOWN]

[IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[FOOTSTEPS APPRO ACHING]

[VEHICLE APPRO ACHING]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ALL SHOUTING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

BILLY BO:
What did they want here?

JUBEL-LEE
Uh, beats me, but watch your step.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

FREDD Y-BOB:
Hello? Yep. All right!

Myrtle says Bob Saget's on Leno.
Come on.

ALL:
Yeehaw!

[WHIMPERING]

DEBBIE:
Dexter, it's garbage night.

Your turn to take it out, hon.

Okay, Mom.

[WHISTLING
"FREAKAZOID" THEME SONG]

Oh, great.

[GRO ANS]

Wait till I get my hands on that cat.

[CLATTER NEARBY]

Mr. Chubbikins?

[MEOWING NEARBY]

Chubbikins, you come out here this instant,
you bad cat.

[MONSTER SNARLING]

[STAMMERS]
You're not Mr. Chubbikins.

[MONSTER RO ARING]

[DEXTER SCREAMS]

[MONSTER CHOMPS THEN GULPS]

I don't get this. What is this?

Dexter gets eaten
and then fade out, the end?

[STAMMERS]
Where's Freakazoid?

Well, he's, uh... He's not in this episode.

Not in it? But he's the star of the show.
What are you thinking?

Well...

[LAUGHS]

We were thinking of maybe
ending the episode early today.

And showing some more
Animaniacs reruns.

Oh.

I like that.

[SINGING]
It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax
You'll laugh till you collapse...

No, no, no, we can't do it.

[ALL MO ANING]

No, we gotta get to Freakazoid.

Okay, here's the deal:
Dexter doesn't get eaten.

STEVEN:
That was... It was all just a bad dream.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, man. What a bad dream.

[CLATTER IN DISTANCE]

STEVEN:
But something is out there by the garbage.

Dexter knows it.

And Freakazoid, who's inside Dexter's head,
also knows it.

Yup, something very strange is out there.

Oh, hello.

And welcome to my humble abode.

Cheese Nips?

[SLURPS]

Let me tell you something.

You pray for good coffee like this.

This is the Freak-A-Zone,
not to be confused with the Freak-A-Lair...

...which is where I keep the Freakmobile
and my other neat stuff.

The Freak-A-Zone is a secret place
inside Dexter Douglas' mind...

...where I spend my quiet time...

...reflecting on life
and watching reruns of Rat Patrol.

Now that's entertainment.

The Freak-A-Zone is also where I have
profound thoughts.

Here's one now.

FREAKAZOID:
Take over Switzerland.

Get all the chocolate.

[GRUNTS]

Off the top of my head.
What do you want from me?

Anyway, back to our story.

Something's out there.

And I'm gonna find out what.

Bleh.

[GASPS]

[BO-RON MO ANS]

Hello.

[SCREAMS]

[DEXTER GRO ANING
AND BONES CRACKING]

BO-RON:
I like.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh, freak out!

Back off, helmet head.

Ooh, whoa.

Red-underwear man.

Pretty.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Help me. Help me.

FREAKAZOID:
And so life began with my new friend.

His name was...

[GRO ANS]

Bo-Ron.

FREAKAZOID:
And he came from the distant planet...

[GRO ANS]

Barone's.

FREAKAZOID:
So I took my new guest...

... down to the Freak-A-Lair
via the Freak-A-Fall.

Hang on tight.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Fun.

Yeah, we're thinking of putting in
a gift shop and maybe a water slide.

FREAKAZOID:
And there...

... in the Freak-A-Lair's
Hall of Nifty Things to Know...

... I taught Bo-Ron the ways of Earth.

Never run with scissors.

Uh, run with scissors, no.

The four basic food groups are ice cream,
candy, cakes and very large cakes.

BO-RON:
Large cakes.

Always ask for a piece of the gross,
not the net.

The net is fantasy.

[GRO ANS]

Piece of the gross.

Never try to catch a roadrunner.
It's impossible.

Okay.

Stay out
of your father's underwear drawer.

Trust me on this one.

Underwear drawer, no, no.

Eating carrots gives you x-ray vision.

Hmm, x-ray, good.

Diane Sawyer acts sincere
but she's actually faking it.

[BO-RON GRO ANS]

Faking it.

FREAKAZOID:
And Bo-Ron, in turn...

... taught me about the universe.

[BO-RON GRO ANS]

It's big.

The mind boggles.

DEXTER:
Over the following weeks...

... I attempted to hide Bo-Ron
from my parents.

[GURGLING]

[GASPS]

DEXTER:
But that proved impossible.

So I tried to pass him off as my new pet.

He's a rare Peruvian spider monkey.

[GIBBERING]

Pretty Amy.

Pretty Amy. Good monkey.

[GRUNTS]

DEXTER:
But Mom and Dad didn't buy it.

So finally, I told them the truth.

He's from another planet
and I'm gonna keep him.

No, you're not, Dexter.

Why?

He takes up too much room.

DOUGLAS:
But worst of all...

... he keeps tying up the bathroom.

DEBBIE:
And he forgets to use the fan.

That's just plain inhuman.

DOUGLAS:
He's eating us out of house and home.

FREAKAZOID:
So, that night, I gave Bo-Ron the bad news.

You know what, big guy?
It's not really working out.

I thought it'd be neat keeping you here...

...but it's getting kind of funky.

So it's time for you to phone home
and have your folks come and get you.

You know your number?

Uh, I forget.

What's the area code for Barone's?

Area code?

Well, who's your long-distance carrier?

[GRO ANS]

I'm not sure.

FREAKAZOID:
I found, to my grave concern...

... that Bo-Ron hadn't decided yet
on his long-distance phone company.

So A T& T, MCI...

... and Sprint fought a pitched battle
over who would provide service.

Finally, Bo-Ron chose the winner.

And we phoned his home.

[PHONE RINGING]

[GRO ANS]

It's ringing.

[MAN SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE
ON MACHINE]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

I got the machine.

It's always on.

Hello?

You're there. I know you're there.

Pick up. Come on, pick up.

FREAKAZOID:
No answer. So we dialed their car phone.

OPERATOR [O VER PHONE]:
The mobile customer you are calling...

... is away from the galaxy.
Please try again later.

FREAKAZOID:
But we didn't give up.

We kept calling and leaving messages
all night long.

Until finally, our call was answered.

Goodbye, red-underwear man.

I will never forget you.

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTS]

FREAKAZOID:
And so Bo-Ron went home.

DEXTER:
He left me with lots of fun memories...

... and something else even more special.

DOUGLAS:
Dexter?

DEXTER:
A phone bill you wouldn't believe.

[GRO ANS]

[THUD]

[READING]
"Fade to black. The end."

Hmm...

Uh, what was that other option again?

Oh, yeah. We can end the show early
and show some more Animaniacs reruns.

Right. Let's do it.

[SINGING]
We're Animan-y

Totally insane-y

Here's the show's name-y

Animaniacs

Those are the facts

NARRATOR:
It began with one small disappearance.

Uh, hi, Wendy.

I have tickets for Yo-Yo Ma. Wanna go?

Dry up and blow away.

[SCREAMS]

NARRATOR:
Soon, more vanishings were reported.

- You take Meatball.
- I don't want him.

Yeah, well,
I got stuck with him last time.

MAN 1:
If I take Meatball, you gotta take Doofus.

MAN 2:
Yeah, I always get stuck with Doofus.

They're gone.

Cool. Play ball.

NARRATOR: It happened again
at a comic convention in Buffalo.

Me first. Me first.

Ooh, hey, look, a tribble.

That's my hair.

Oh.

Funny. They usually vanish
after I sing "Rocket Man."

[TOUPEE PURRS]

NARRATOR:
Soon after, the following incident...

... occurred in the office
of computer whiz, Bill Gates...

... whom I can mention by name...

... because he happens to be a close,
personal friend of Steven Spielberg...

... the executive producer
of this fine program.

So he probably won't sue us.

This is my latest computer program.

It not only runs Windows,
it washes them too.

[LAUGHING AND SNORTING]

NARRATOR: Prominent members
of the news media began to take notice...

... but they were powerless
to stop what happened.

[SNYDER LAUGHING]

What, can anyone tell me,
is the story with all these...

What would you call them, Geeks?
Weirdos?

Oh, golly, let's just say it, shall we?
- Nerds disappearing right and left?

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Uh, uh, uh...

A moment, Your Eminence,
we'll get to you.

It's like I was telling Morty
this afternoon...

Morty, my producer since the old days
way back in Milwaukee...

...at WBBZ, playing the hits
and smacking them down.

Anyway, I stopped into a toy store...

It was a train store.
- This weekend.

Buzzy's Round House
down there on 3rd.

He's got the big, uh, Canadian Pacific
layout in the window.

Go in and say hi to Buzzy, but don't touch
anything or he'll turn on you.

[LAUGHING]

Anyway, I went in
for some of the Lionel O-gauge track...

...not the smaller h*,
but of course, the full O gauge...

Anyone wanna see pictures of Cody?

NARRATOR:
Even Hollywood was under attack.

STEVEN:
Okay, here we go now.

This is E.T. Returns.
Scene one, take one.

E. T:
I'm back, Elliott.

And I'm grown up. Go away.

Okay, now, uh, cue the special effects.

[STEVEN STUTTERING]

It's just a little weak. Let's... A little weak.
Let's try a bluer filter.

At least now we won't have to listen
to anymore of those Dreamworks stories.

Phew.

NARRATOR:
No nerd was safe, not even Dexter Douglas.

Gee, that's weird.

I think I'm the only one
on the Internet tonight.

It's like all the other techno-geeks
just vanished.

[DEXTER YELLS]

[expl*si*n]

[SCREAMING]

They did vanish.

And you, Dexter Douglas, will join them.

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, too bad.

But I've never seen a nerd yet
who could pull off a decent escape.

No coordination, you know.

[DEXTER SCREAMING]

NERDATOR:
Welcome to Nerd Island.

Here, I have gathered
all the nerds on earth.

DEXTER:
But why?

NERDATOR:
Seemed like a good idea at the time.

After all, most nerds
are shy, ordinary-looking types...

...with no interest in physical activities.

MAN:
Hey, think fast.

But what they lack in physical prowess,
they make up in brains.

Tell me, who writes
all the best-selling books? Nerds.

Who makes all the top-grossing movies?

DIRECTORS:
Nerds.

NERDATOR: Who designs
computer programs so complex...

...that only they can use them?

Nerds.

And who run for high public office?

Uh, no one but nerds.

You don't have Newt Gingrich.

He's not a nerd. He's a chubby boy.

Oh, right.

Without nerds to lead the way,
the governments of the world will stumble.

They'll be forced to seek guidance
from good-looking-but-vapid airheads.

President Kaelin,
it's Secretary of State Fabio.

Um...

I don't know.

I can't remember.

I thought I heard a thump. Heh.

I plan to drain the essence
of these nerds into my brain...

...thus becoming a super-nerd...

...and the greatest genius
the world has ever seen.

- But...
- Too late.

You will now join the others
in my brain trust.

[ALL MO ANING]

No.

Freak out.

Is it just me or am I showing up
later and later in each episode?

Oh. Oh, look at all the nerd people...

...making the funny jerky-shaky things
with their silly heads.

Hold on there, Sparky.
You don't know what you're doing.

What about the downside
of being a nerd?

What downside?

Like bad skin, for instance.

An unnatural attraction
to pocket protectors.

[SCREAMING]

And worst of all,
all the cute girls will wanna just be friends.

No, that's not true, is it?

Steff?

You're such a nice guy.
Why spoil our special friendship?

No!

[MACHINE POWERING DOWN]

Thanks, Freakazoid.

You saved me from nearly making
a terrible mistake.

[INDIAN ACCENT]
That is why I am here.

[WESTERN ACCENT]
Let's go get some pie.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
See you.

- You're back.
- Uh-huh.

Now, about those concert tickets...

Oh, you're such a nice guy.

[IN UNISON]
Why spoil our special friendship?

Right.

NARRATOR:
And so it ended.

The nerds were returned.

[SINGING]
Rocket Man

[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]

NARRATOR:
Freakazoid and Steff had pie.

The Nerdator switched over...

... to kidnapping
good-looking-but-vapid airheads.

And no one cared.

This sure is the pits.

Brains be hanged. I'm going for babes.

Man has a point.

[GRO ANS]

[GRUNTS]