01x07 - The Chip (Act IV) / Freakazoid is History

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

We've produced a special little
motion picture about Freakazoid's origins...

...that's filled with action and adventure,
and even features a scene...

...with a man wrestling a bear
for no reason.

Gentlemen, the Pinnacle chip is flawed.

Wow.

A Pinnacle chip.

Uh, how exactly is this,
uh, flaw manifested?

RODD Y: A user would have to be connected
to the Internet.

Then, they'd have to press
an exact sequence of keys...

... followed by "delete."

Because if someone did manage
to activate the flaw...

... the Pinnacle chip would overload...

... causing a concentrated
beam of energy...

... to zap the user.

It would fill his or her brain
with all the information on the Internet.

It would give them superhuman strength,
enabling them to do just about anything.

But they'd be very silly,
extremely perturbed.

They'd be a freakazoid.

Would you please stop that infernal raking?!

It's driving me crazy! Sheesh!

Perchance is there a computer user
living about this abode?

Oh, do you mean Dexter?

Aye, that's it. Dexter.

Whoa!

I'm here to help you.
You've been given amazing powers, lad.

But you're gonna need some help
getting them under control.

Mr. Guitierrez would like
to have a word with you.

How is the flaw activated?

Why?

I shall transform myself into a superhuman
capable of doing anything.

Mom, Dad, Duncan?

Cooperate with me
and no harm will come to them.

Refuse me, and I'll show them...

... the Best of Marty Ingles.

What kind of sadistic creature are you?

And now the next scene.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Ingles.

MARTY [ON TV]:
Hi, folks.

[SCREAMING]

What sequence of keys
activates the flaw?

All right, all right, I'll tell you.

Thank you.

Eliminate them and the family.

- But you said...
- I lied.

If news of the flaw got out,
my company would be ruined.

At least let the lad go.

- No, I cannot.
- Why?

Because he tasks me. He tasks me.

Round the moons of Snibya,
I chuckle at thee.

Beyond the Corpian clouds,
I chuckle more at thee.

Revenge is a dish best served
with pinto beans and muffins.

Kirk, old friend, I...

Oh, sorry.

Goodbye.

Dexter, not to put any undue pressure
on you, lad...

...but you've got to change into the freak
or we're all doomed.

But I don't know how. I can't.

[g*ns c*ck]

Sorry, fellas.

This can't be happening.
It's gotta be a nightmare.

I'm freaking out.

[AS GROUCHO MARX]
I think he said the secret word.

[GRUNTING]

[GUARDS GRUNTING]

Let's wrestle.

[YELLING AND LAUGHING]

You boys look like
you could use a chiropractor.

Here we go.

[BOTH YELLING]

[THUD]

[GUARDS YELL, GRUNT]

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

Hey, you wanna go out for a snow cone?

No, lad. There's no time.

We've got to find Guitierrez and stop him
from activating the flaw.

I'll check down the west wing.

You check down there.

What was I supposed to do again?

- Find Guitierrez.
- Oh, right.

Mr. Guitierrez, where are you?
Olly olly oxen free.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.
I'll read you a poem.

Oh, I'm such a bad typist.

Mr. Guitierrez.

Yoo-hoo.

Hey, Guitierrez!

[KEYBO ARD CLICKING]

[ALL GRUNT]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Come on, come on.

[GRUNTING]

[GUARDS GRUNT]

[GUARDS YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

RODD Y:
So long, boys. Ha-ha-ha!

GUITIERREZ:
There.

Soon the world will be mine
for the pickings.

Uh-uh-uh.

Stay right there.

Hey, l... I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
I was, you know, under a lot of stress.

It is okay, my son. Forget about it.

[YELLS]

[GRUNTING]

Aah!

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

- How you feeling?
- You task me, Freakazoid.

[SIGHS]

RODD Y:
Hey, lad. Good work.

I'm sorry I can't be there in person
to congratulate you...

... but, uh, I'm busy surfing the Net
and I don't know how to get back just yet.

Just so you know,
to change back into Dexter...

... all you have to do is say, "Freak in."

To change back to Freakazoid say,
"Freak out."

You're a good lad. Do me proud.

I'll see you again one day, that I promise.

Till then, good luck and goodbye.
R. MacStew.

[SOBS]

That made water come out my eyes.

[SOBS]

[CHATTER O VER POLICE RADIO]

Then they showed us
a Marty Ingles tape.

Worms and weasels.
What kind of driving school is this?

- You've done a good job here, kid.
- Thanks.

Say, you wanna go out for a snow cone?

Do I ever.

And then I got sucked into the Internet
and, well, here I am.

You know what you should do
with your powers?

What?

I'd become a superhero, but that's me.

Nah.

You could fight crime.

Nah.

Uphold the truth?

Nah.

Impress the ladies.

Okay! I'll do it.

And so Freakazoid decided
to become a superhero.

And that's how the whole thing
got started.

Now, let's say this on the record here:

The only reason why I'm doing this,
because I'm a lousy actor...

...is I'm doing it for Steven Spielberg.

You got that, Steven?

Well, so long. We're done.

Not quite.

[BEAR GROWLING]

[MAN SCREAMING]

Now we're done.

ANNOUNCER:
And now a musical interlude.

[PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

ANNOUNCER:
This concludes our musical interlude.

We now return to our program.

Feast your peepers topside,
Mohammed-Abdul.

It's Freakazoid,
scouring the city for trouble...

...bless his shiny red suit.

GARGO YLE:
Then later, in the great time of leanness...

...my race was driven forth
onto the plain of vastness...

...whereby Lothgar the Ill-postured
was made king...

...of the
People-with-no-Name-but-Decent-Footwear.

Listen, I'm trying to work. If you
quit talking, I'll give you a Pez dispenser.

Okay.

Freakazoid.

[YELLS]

Don't do that.

We just heard a report
about Air Force One.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

OFFICER: Its landing gear
is as stuck as a canned ham.

How bad is the situation, General Odin?

Well, it's hard to know, sir.
The pilot just bailed.

Oo-wee.

Sure sounds scary.

Say, who exactly is flying the plane?

Well, uh, everyone is, sir.

- Let go.
- I've got a plan.

- Can I fly too?
- Why don't you just go sing instead?

[ALL GRUNTING]

[SINGING]
People, people who fly airplanes

Are the happiest people

- All right, don't. Why don't we...?
- Would you just...?

- Huh?
- Aah!

Oh, man,
could it possibly get any worse?

[YELLING]

[YELLING]

Ah. Ooh.

Aha. Believe me, Mr. President,
you do not want to go out there. Whoo!

- Freakazoid.
- At your service, sir.

You've nothing to fear but fear itself,
and this aircraft crashing in flames.

But that won't happen
with me on the job.

Then again, I am the only one here
wearing a little jet pack.

Excuse me, sir,
but the fuel is dangerously low.

This bird is going down.

Ah, don't pop your stars.

Everyone knows you don't have to worry
till that little fuel light starts blinking.

[BEEPING]

[GASPS]

Let the worrying begin.

To the rescue.

By the way, anybody got a bag
of those yummy honey-glazed nuts?

Uh, sorry, we're...
We're all out. Sorry.

Yeah, a big monster ate them.

Fine. Maybe I forgot
how to heroically repair an aircraft...

...in mid-flight during a terrible storm.

You know, the guys in prime time
could have had this show...

...but no, they had better ideas.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. Ha, ha.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

Better than a ThighMaster.

[GRUNTING]

Once again, Freakazoid makes history.

There's something kind of new:
A vortex that likes honey-roasted nuts.

Whoa!

I know this looks bad,
but I think I'm gonna escape.

[GRUNTS]

I'm wrong.

Welcome back to the show.
I'm still falling.

[GRUNTS]

Ta-da! Just like rehearsal.

Note to myself:

Cut Dexter out of the main title. Bye-bye.

Hey, what is this place?

Palm trees, hula girls.

Pineapples, hula girls.

Surfboards, hula girls.

Hula girls, hula girls.

Of course, it all adds up.
I've somehow landed in Norway.

Zoids, Pearl Harbor.

Hey, those ships look
like they came from World w*r II.

Oh, my gosh, can it be?

Yes, yes, it's Kate Smith,
here to entertain the troops.

Hi.

Somehow, I've gone back in time.

I'm in Hawaii. It's the 1940s.

All men wear hats. What gives?

NARRATOR:
One day, while saving Air Force One...

... teen superhero Freakazoid
was unexpectedly swept...

... into both a time-warp vortex
and a TV show parody.

From that point on,
and until this segment ends...

... Freakazoid is lost in time.

He is Quantum Freak.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
O VER SPEAKERS]

Oh, okay, now I get it.
All right, okay, I see what you're doing.

This is a play on the show
where people would go back in time.

The Quantum...
I can't say it, or I'd be sued...

... but this is very humorous.

I'm reading on,
and there's good stuff coming, good stuff.

I'm laughing on the inside.

Good stuff.

Oh, fudge!
Torpedo planes heading this way.

I know what you're thinking.

Where did he get
those snazzy binoculars?

Ha, ha. Well, guess what.

They can be yours in the next 60 minutes
for the one-time-only price of 49.95.

That's not all, right, Joan?

Oh, oh, oh! Can we freak?
Look what else you get.

This adorable 14-karat gold binocular strap,
which I designed myself between jokes.

Sorry, Joan,
I gotta cut you off right there.

Because in about 10 seconds,
Pearl Harbor's gonna get trashed...

...thus beginning World w*r II...

...and only I can stop them.

But if I do,
I will alter the course of future history.

Do I really want that responsibility
on my shoulders?

Hey, who's gonna know?

To destiny.

Hello, destiny.
I was seeing your friend, duty.

He says very bad things about you.

Have I got time for another
gawking-at-the-girls-through-binoculars gag?

I like those.

Hula girls.

You're all a little early
for The Don h* Show.

Now, listen up,
I want one line right here.

We're checking for fruits,
vegetables and torpedoes.

PILOT 1:
Did you hear? They're checking for fruit.

PILOT 2:
And I brought him up some grapes.

PILOT 1:
Fool.

How do I do it?

Ha!

How do I save a president
and avert World w*r II all in one day?

Well, it's not easy,
but a high-fat diet of starch, sugar...

...and a big bag of salt really helps.

[YELPS]

Do I dare go back?

Do I dare see what Freak hath wrought?

Okay.

Doesn't look
like I changed doodly-fudge.

Things look pretty much like the old...

Wait a second.

Sharon Stone in Macbeth?

Here's the smell of the blood still.

All the perfumes of Arabia
will not sweeten this little hand.

Oh.

She's good, she's really good.
Sharon Stone can act.

Alms for the poor.
Suffer the little children.

Remember, you can never give enough.

Good heavens, it's Rush Limbaugh.

He's become a real bleeding-heart liberal.

And look, Euro Disney is packed.

Cold fusion works.

No Chevy Chase movies.

Check it out, the world is a better place.

And all it took
was one tiny trip through time.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

I wonder what else I've changed.

Situation is critical, Mr. President.
Fuel's low and the pilot just bailed.

How distressing.

Might I inquire as to whom
is piloting the aircraft?

[LAUGHS]

Zort!

That was a keeper.