01x06 - The Chip (Acts I - III)

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Ladies and gentlemen, the president...

... of the Motion Picture Association
of America...

... Mr. Jack Valenti.

Hello, I'm Jack Valenti,
and these are my cheeks.

You know, we get a lot of letters here at
the Motion Picture Association of America.

And most of them are about my cheeks.

Still, there have been a few letters
asking us all about Freakazoid.

Letters like this one
from Miss Ida Lupins of Santa Susana City.

And she writes,
"Dear Mr. Valenti, I like your cheeks.

I'd like to know how Freakazoid
got his start as a superhero.

What were the special circumstances?

My home is made of adobe."

Well, Miss Lupins, you're in luck.

As it just so happens, we've produced
a special little motion picture...

...about Freakazoid's origins
that's filled with action and adventure...

...and even features a scene
with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

So sit back, relax
and enjoy Freakazoid's origins.

NARRATOR:
And now...

[WOMAN READS
ON-SCREEN FRENCH TEXT]

[MAN 1 READS
ON-SCREEN SPANISH TEXT]

[MAN 2 READS
ON-SCREEN GERMAN TEXT]

NARRATOR:
Our feature presentation.

[WOMAN READS
ON-SCREEN FRENCH TEXT]

[MAN 1 READS
ON-SCREEN SPANISH TEXT]

[MAN 2 READS
ON-SCREEN GERMAN TEXT]

RODD Y:
Ach, crud!

- Crud.
- Are you sure about this?

Aye, sure as a snail hates salt.

There's no doubt whatsoever in my brain.

Gentlemen, the Pinnacle chip is flawed.

ALL:
Oh, no.

Uh, how exactly is this,
uh, flaw manifested?

Well, first, a computer user would have
to be connected to the Internet.

Then, they'd have to press an exact
sequence of keys followed by Delete.

I've calculated the odds
of this happening at 450 million-to-1.

Four hundred and fifty million-to-one?
What are we worried about?

[MEN CHATTERING]

MAN:
That's not gonna happen. Come on.

Cut the crud!

I wouldn't have such happy slacks
if I were you.

Because if someone did manage
to activate the flaw, a pox on them.

The Pinnacle chip would overload...

...causing a concentrated beam of energy
to zap the user.

It would fill his or her brain
with all the information on the Internet.

It would give them superhuman strength,
enabling them to do just about anything.

But they'd be very silly.
Extremely perturbed.

They'd be a freakazoid.

A freakazoid? What's that?

It's just what it sounds like,
Mr. Fancy-Man-Sitting-ln-Your-Chair.

Oh, perhaps we should recall the chip.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Gentlemen, it's Christmas Eve.

Our company, Apex,
has sold over 60 million chips.

Sixty million.

Tomorrow, people all over the world
will be having cookies and fudges...

...and opening little presents
with Pinnacle chips inside.

A recall at this late stage would adversely
impact our end-of-the-year earnings...

...as well as your Christmas bonuses,
which I hold here in my hand.

Oh, heck, what's one little flaw.

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Tell me, my dear good friend,
Roddy MacStew.

Does anyone else know about this flaw?

Nay, not yet.

[RODD Y SCREAMS THEN CRASHES]

Now, how did that happen?

[CHUCKLING]

Laugh with me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

RODD Y:
Crud.

A new weight set. Cool.

We almost got you a rock tumbler.

But then we thought, no,
Duncan just loves to lift things.

Maybe you can give your old set
to your brother.

Yeah, I'm so sure.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ow!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Worms and weasels, Dexter.

What have we said about going:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

...to your brother?
- Ah, yes, sir.

Okay, now, Dexter's turn, Dexter's turn.

[MEOWING]

Mr. Chubbikins, stop it.

Wow, a Pinnacle chip.

[SINGING]
Bum-bum-bum

Oh, this is great.

It's gonna make my computer
twice as fast.

It'll allow for
true dedicated multitasking...

...and at 300 megahertz
and 16 megs of RAM, I can...

Dexter, honey, honey.

- You're boring us again, sweetie.
- Oh, sorry.

Can I go put it in?

Okay, hon, but only in your computer.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Internet, here we come.

We're in.

Oh, sh**t. Where's my codebook?

RODD Y: A user would have to be
connected to the Internet.

Then they'd have to press an exact
sequence of keys followed by Delete.

Got it.

What's this junk?

RODD Y:
Followed by Delete.

NARRATOR: We interrupt this program
to increase dramatic tension.

Thank you.
And now back to our program.

Wow.

[YELLING]

Hi, I'm Freakazoid.
Now, these messages.

Find him.

Lickety-split.

NEWSMAN [ON RADIO]:
This just in to the WB news desk.

A major disruption of the Internet
has been confirmed by sources worldwide.

Ach, crud. I knew it.

[GRUNTS]

[MEOWS]

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

[GASPS]

I sure could go for a snow cone.

Huh?

What's happening to me?

FREAKAZOID:
Hey, Dexter.

Yoo-hoo, down here.

Surprise!

[SCREAMS]

Ew, ew, ew!

FREAKAZOID:
Now, unzip your head.

Huh?

FREAKAZOID:
Unzip your head. You know, like this.

Pretty gross, huh, kids?

Don't do that.

Don't do what?

Stop unzipping my head. No, no, no.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Dexter, open the door, you little dip.
I gotta make tinky.

Well, hi, sport. You must be Duncan.

Good to meet you. Let's wrestle.

[SHOUTS]

[DUNCAN GRUNTING]

DUNCAN:
Stop, stop it.

Oh, golly.

Do you know how long it's been
since I've heard the boys roughhouse?

[SHOUTING]

- Say uncle.
- Uncle.

Say "Grandma Moses makes munchy meat
most Monday mornings."

Grandma Moses makes munch... Munch...

I can't.

Wait. Shh.

What is that noise?

I'll be right back.

Would you please stop
that infernal raking?

It's driving me crazy. Sheesh.

- Aah!
- Where were we? Oh, yeah.

- Say it.
- Ow!

Grandma Moses makes munchy mee...

Now might be a good time to tell you...

...all about the Motion Picture Association
of America's fascinating rating system.

Now, if a family wants to see a movie,
and it's rated G, then everyone can go.

Mom and Dad and Buffy and Jody
and Grandma and Grandpa...

...and even Sergeant Scruffy.

If it's PG,
then there might be something unsuitable...

...for young or sensitive viewers.

In which case,
Buffy would just have to stay home...

...along with Grandma who didn't
wanna go to the movies anyway.

Now, if the movie's rated PG-13, then...

Jack, we're ready for the next scene.
You're gonna have to wait.

No, no, please, I beg you. Let me finish.

This is very, very important.

- Later.
- But...

Later.

- Oh, sh**t.
- And now the next scene.

[RADAR BEEPING]

[DUNCAN SCREAMING]

DUNCAN: Stop! Ow, oh, oh!
- Bingo.

[YELLING]

Look, one hand.

No hands.

[DUNCAN GRUNTING]

A little too rough, kids, huh?

FREAKAZOID:
Yoo-hoo.

- Are we done?
- Aah.

[YELLING]

There is a blue guy chasing me. Unh!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, Merry Christmas, stranger.

Aye, thank you, ma'am. And you.

Perchance is there a computer user
living about this abode?

Oh, you mean Dexter?

Aye, that's it. Dexter.

Is he available?

And you are...?

Oh, I'm his, um...

RODD Y:
What should I say? I can't think.

She'll never buy it. Crud! Crud!

I'm his insurance agent.

Well, he's only 17.

RODD Y:
Crud, I blew it, I blew it.

Oh, no. I meant I'm his, uh,
his, uh, driving instructor.

It's time for his lesson.

On Christmas day?

He's a very bad driver.

Dexter,
your driving instructor's here, hon.

[FREAKAZOID GROWLING NEARBY]

They've been roughhousing.

Dexter, get down here this instant.

Maybe I should just go up
and see him alone.

I have, uh, private driving matters
to discuss.

Okay, then. First door on the left.

[FREAKAZOID GROWLING NEARBY]

Now, if the movie's rated PG-13,
it might have some material in there...

...that Mommy and Daddy might not like,
uh, some of the young kids to see.

So Jody might just have to stay home.
Bye-bye, Jody.

Now, if the movie's rated R,
then it's gonna contain some adult material.

In which case, uh, Dad,
who's got a lazy tummy...

...will probably wanna stay home.

But if the movie's rated NC-17,
that means that kids can't get in.

Only adults can get in.

Mom doesn't wanna see adult movies.

But Grandpa was in the Army
and he's not bothered very much.

And so he decides to stay
along with Sergeant Scruffy...

...who's just a dumb dog anyway.

I hope that explains it.

Now back to the cartoon.

- Hello?
FREAKAZOID: Hello?

- Hello?
FREAKAZOID: Hello?

- Hello.
FREAKAZOID: Hello.

Can we move on to a new word now?

Ach! Oh!

I've seen many a strange thing
in this world...

...including a man who got hit in the belly
with a cannonball.

But I've never seen anything
quite as bizarre as you.

That's pretty odd
coming from a guy wearing a dress.

[SHOUTING]

Who are you? What's happening?

The name's Roddy. Roddy MacStew.

I'm here to help you.
You've been given amazing powers, lad.

- Me?
- Aye.

But you're gonna need help
getting them under control.

Right now, you're highly unstable.

What do you mean unstable?

GUARD:
All right, MacStew. Hold it right there.

[g*ns c*ck]

Mr. Guitierrez would like
to have a word with you.

Let's go. The kid too.

- Get them, lad.
- Huh?

Don't come any closer, gents,
or this lad will tear you limb from limb.

- Do it, lad.
- Do what?

- Change into the freak and clobber them.
- Me?

- MacStew, let's go.
- Fellas, I'm warning you.

Take another step forward
and the boy will turn you into haggis.

He's wild with rage.

Dexter, now's the time, lad.

These men aren't here
to take us for a joyride. Now, do it.

- Change.
- I can't.

Then we are in deep crud.

You'll never get away with it, Guitierrez.

Get away with what?
I haven't said anything yet.

You're right.
Sorry, I jumped the g*n, my fault.

I plan on eliminating both of you.

You'll never get away with it, Guitierrez.

Of course,
I could be persuaded to change my mind...

...in exchange for some, um...

...information.

My name's Dexter Douglas.

I live at 564 Funiculi Funicula Avenue.

My Social Security number is sev...

Not that information.

Well, what, then?

What sequence of keys
activates the flaw?

Why?

Power, my dear good friend,
Roddy MacStew.

Ultimate power.

I shall transform myself into a superhuman,
capable of doing anything.

Yes, won't that be neat-o?

How is the flaw activated?

Nay, I won't tell you.

But you will, won't you?

I can't. I don't know, it was a mistake.

The cat did it by accident.

Well?

[MEOWS]

What does that mean, meow?

Bring the animal psychologist in.

Ask the kitty how he activated the flaw.

[BOTH MEOWING]

He says he's very sad.

Oh, go away.

Perhaps you two
are not properly motivated.

Let's see now.

What if I put ooey-gooey worms
in your ears?

They wrap around your brain
and make you all crazy.

But no, I believe I have something
much more persuasive.

[ALL GRO ANING]

[GASPS]

Mom? Dad? Duncan?

Dexter? Is that you?

How bad a driver are you, hon?

You're gonna get it, Dexter.

Cooperate with me
and no harm will come to them.

But refuse me and I'll show them this:

The Best of Marty Ingles.

What kind of sadistic creature are you?

Well?

I don't know. I don't know.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Ingles.

MARTY INGLES [ON TV]:
Hi, folks.

[ALL SCREAMING]

All right, all right, I'll tell you.
Just stop torturing them.

Thank you.

Eliminate them and the family.

NARRATOR:
Next time on Freakazoid:

Revenge is a dish best served
with pinto beans and muffins.

You've got to change into the freak
or we're all doomed.

I'm freaking out.

[GUARDS GRUNT]

We got to find Guitierrez
and stop him from activating the flaw.

Hey, Guitierrez.

Come on, come on.

Soon the world will be mine
for the pickings.

NARRATOR:
On the next Freakazoid.

On paper, it was funny.