02x22 - Lilacs, Mr. Maxwell

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪

♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪♪

I gotta say it looks real
good on you, Ralph. Huh?

The badge, the
I.D. Think about it.

The pride, the "espreet" de corps. I mean,
why can't you love this outfit the way I do?

Because it's 2:00 in the
morning, I have an 8:00 class,

and it's esprit de
corps, Bill, not "espreet."

Okay, we got 2:00 a.m.
minus four and counting.

See, uh, swing shift always ducks
out a couple of minutes early...

and graveyard's always
a couple of minutes late.

Now, in that little short period of time,
we got the joint almost to ourselves.

A breach of security?
That's not good.

Yeah, well, we're working on that. In
the meantime, tonight we make history.

Tonight, we pull the whole
history of the bureau into a knot.

Say something, anything.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to make history tonight...

by breaking into the F.B.I. basement
and severing the Gordian knot.

And you are there.
Okay, let's go, Mr. Berle.

What's a Gordian knot?
You know, a myth. Mythology.

More egghead stuff. No, Bill, it's
actually a very fascinating concept.

See, a Gordian knot was a knot of rope
so complicated that you couldn't untie it.

So? You couldn't untie it.

Like, uh, like life, you know? You have to
chop it up with an ax into little bitty pieces.

A metaphor. A what?

A poetic notion. Ralph...

I know, more egghead stuff.
I'm trying to help you here, kid.

Why can't you come down a little to
be with the rest of us ordinary folks?

You mean like, walk
"thith" way? What?

Thith way. Thith way.

Ralph, we are...

We have got a whole swing shift of
federal agents coming off shift right now.

We're supposed to be
as invisible as is possible.

Well, why didn't you say so?

What are you do... Ralph!

Don't do that! God!

I got you the I.D. so that
you wouldn't have to do...

I hate it when you do this,
Ralph. Where are you? Right here.

Where? How can you do
that with your clothes on?

I've been practicing without my shirt,
Bill. I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Yeah, terrific. Let
go. You're k*lling me.

Hiya, Freddie.
Charles. Good night.

Ha! Where is it?

End of this hall, I
think. You think?

Well, I never been
inside. Very few guys have.

How come you never
thought of this before?

Well, I did, but it's triple-A security.
It, uh, took this long to liberate the key.

Ralph, you're giving me
the heebie-jeebies with that.

I don't believe you. You're all the time
crabbing about me not practicing. I'm practicing.

Bill, that's a lighted doorway down
there. You said there was nobody here.

Wasn't. I walked this
thing last night. Damn!

You go by, Bill. I'm invisible.

Ralph, I don't think
much of your practicing.

Look at you. Oh, gee.
There it goes again.

Well, concentrate. Obviously,
you got to concentrate all the time.

If, uh, a real grabber comes along, you're
gonna pop back in. You got to fight that.

Wow. You're right, Bill. Anything
shocking and I just pop back in.

Uh, Ralph, I just said
that. Now go on, will you?

I'll just ease on by. Oh, boy.

Just remember... concentrate.

You're not impressed
by anything.

O'Neil. What are
you doing down here?

Bill... I mean, Mr. Maxwell.

What is this? Cement
phone booth? It's all they had.

In the basement?

But you were all the way up on the top
floor, next door to Carlisle. What happened?

Well... What did he do? Gave
your office to some punk kid, I bet.

I said I hated the color. He's
putting up new wallpaper.

Oh, well, you had me worried there. I mean,
where would we be without our own, uh,

brand-new, in-house efficiency
expert who, uh, can't sneak up on us?

'Cause we all know when
she's coming. You do?

All the way down the hall.
Might as well holler your name.

Everybody knows
when it's O'Neil.

It sounds like I'm not a
very good efficiency expert.

How do you know
when I'm in the hall?

I don't know. Uh, is it, uh,
gardenias or something?

Lilacs.

Anyway, flowers.

Uh...

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Um, uh, uh...

Is he always like this? I
don't know. I'm new here.

Well, Mr. Maxwell was just kind of
showing me around the facility, so...

- You picked the right time.
- Pardon?

That's what I'm
doing. These studies.

"Off-Shift, On-Shift
Parallax." Terribly inefficient.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You could walk in here between
shifts, right now, for example,

and you would have all three top
floors and the basement to yourself.

Really? Imagine
that, Mr. Maxwell.

Um, well, you keep
the gardenias now...

so we know where you
are. Uh, lilacs, Mr. Maxwell.

Yeah. Uh, good night, O'Neil.
Uh, I'm gonna be on time tomorrow.

I hope so. You're one of the
worst offenders. Good night.

Uh, good night, O'Neil.

Ralph? Just keep
walking. Don't say anything.

What are you looking
at? I don't know yet.

Well, quit it or get invisible or something.
Here, this has got to be it. It's the last door.

Ah.

Oh, my sweet baboo!

I knew it! I told
you it was here!

Ali Baba and the 40
Thieves. Open, Sesame!

Bill, look at all this stuff!

You got feathers and fans and bones
and-and-and arrows and machetes...

and knives and chains
and shackles and...

Oh, look at here, Bill. You got a
1933 Cadillac in mint condition.

Right. Right, I know that baby.

That was a kidnap
car. Denver. 1933.

Yeah. Yeah, that case, the Lindbergh
case, practically formed the bureau.

Boy, we're really
dealing with history here.

Every clue we ever found, every unsolved
F.B.I. case west of the Missouri River,

and all the way back to
the beginning of the bureau.

And we're gonna solve them
all. You and me and the suit.

Oh, boy. I'm kinda getting sick
here being close to these g*ns.

Well, you're getting
the vibes. That's good.

Bill, everything in this room deals with
cruelty and hate and dishonesty and death.

Yeah, but outside of that
we got a bonanza here.

Why don't we start with the
easy stuff? Get behind the wheel.

Oh, boy, this is
such a beautiful car.

Okay, okay. I'm getting
something here. Yeah?

- Uh...
- What?

He's dead. The
kidnapper is long dead, Bill.

His name was W. Smithers.

Smithers. Yeah. Oh, boy,
would you believe that?

He was the cop who investigated
the case. Isn't that pitiful?

Wait a minute. I'm getting
something awful strong here. What?

Uh, let me have that machine
g*n. No, the other one.

Let's see. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see, that's, uh,

that's, uh, yeah, part
of an armory rip-off.

This one turned up in Peru.

Oh, boy, get this punch line.
There are 6,000 more of them.

That's enough backup
for a whole division.

Well, there are six of them
buried in a waterproof bag.

Where? We never
found any of them.

They're buried on the beach in a
sandbox. A child's sandbox. In Malibu.

Right. Okay. Can
you get a person?

Yeah, there's another g*n, uh, in
a condo apartment in Palos Verdes.

16805 Lamonte.

The guy's there, Bill. He's taking a
shower. What... What's the matter?

Wait! They're gonna...
What's the matter?

They're... What's going
on? What's happening?

I think I'm gonna
be sick. What is it?

Bill, quick!

Let me have your walkie-talkie! Quick,
give it to me! Yeah, okay. Here, here.

I'll see you there. Take my
clothes! Yeah, I'll do it, okay.

Ralph, come in. Uh, I don't get it.
Uh, what were these people doing?

Well, they were watching
TV. Watching TV?

We bagged... correction...
You alone bagged...

two unknown
citizens watching TV?

Come on, Ralph. Get serious.

Well, there was one other
tie-in, sort of evidence.

- Sort of evidence? I'm gonna get sick!
- Well, it's in code.

Well, break it. I'm trying, Bill, but we
haven't worked on that yet, all right?

Do you have anything real? I
got those g*ns. I got the g*ns.

Well, that's sensational. Wh... a
thousand, two thousand, what?

Two. I broke one.

Two g*ns? That's all?

Well, except for the other six I said
were in the sandbox at the beach.

- Bill, hold it! Where are you?
- Uh, what's the matter?

- Left, go left. Now!
- I can't. There's nothing there.

Get out of that lane, Bill,
do it. Just do it, Bill, wreck it!

Turn left! Left! Hit the wall!

Stop.

Turn around, please.

Go get him out.

Please.

Well, you got to tell them
something, Bill. I do? Okay, that's easy.

I just tell them my friend told me to use my
G.I. car as a corkscrew on a cement wall...

so I wouldn't run over a dog.

Five dollar dog
versus a $10,000 car.

- That's easy. They ought to have
no problem with that, Ralph.
- Forgive me.

They're not gonna take
your badge away from you.

- Huh?
- I mean, because you trashed
a couple of cars. How many?

Five. Five? So what?

In 18 months.

Well, so, you trash five little, dumb
brown cars in 18 months. I mean, big deal.

No kidding? Five
cars in 18 months?

Ralph, are you
trying to help me?

Of course I'm trying to help
you, Bill. Try another approach.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

That's your car there,
isn't it? Who is that guy?

- Insurance adjuster. I know him real well now.
- He looks like a sourpuss.

He loves me. I'm
making him rich,

shoving up the car premiums
for the whole bureau. Sorry, Bill.

Who cares about dogs anyway?

Sir William of Maxwell,
of course. Who else?

We love you, baby. You're driving
up the premiums for the entire bureau.

Uh, how'd you do this? I
was trying not to hit a dog.

Right. A 502... drunken and
disorderly. Ha, ha. Only kidding.

Mr. Maxwell. Huh?

Guys in the mail room are jumping
up and down, falling off the chairs.

What? And we're taking bets we're
not gonna lose you over this, sir.

God bless you, sir.

There he is! There he is!

Records. Give me Records.
Well, get them off the phone.

Break in. This is a
code two emergency.

Uh, we-we just, uh...
Mr. Maxwell, we just wanted...

Oh, Annie, you do it.

Mr... Mr. Maxwell, could
you sign this, please?

Oh, yeah, sure. Where? Anyplace.

One for Annie, one for
Jane and, uh, one for Mike.

One for Mike? Uh,
that's my boyfriend.

Uh, and can you put
something nice on mine?

Well, where are the other signatures? What
is this, a petition? What am I signing?

Well, it's your autograph. You
know, something to remember you by.

Well, you have to admit, your kind of
celebrity doesn't come along every day.

I was trying not to hit a dog.

Mr. Maxwell. Are you all right?

Sit down. Um, listen.

Uh, you probably heard... What?

Uh, well, see, I...

I, uh, trashed five
cars in 18 months.

Bill, nobody cares
about that. Huh?

Not after last
night. They don't?

Don't you realize
what you've done?

Have you seen the morning paper?

In the newspapers? Oh, no.

I was just trying
not to hit the dog.

I'd know that voice
anywhere, by golly.

There's a Maxwell around here.

My favorite voice, favorite
guy. Bill, huh? Is this a guy?

Is this an arm or what?
This is the arm that did it.

Gentlemen. Bill, I want
you to meet Mr. Williams,

Mr. Newton, Mr. Rogers,
out of Washington.

We can't stay... on the way to the plane...
but we just wanted to meet the man that did it.

We just want you to know that we've
got a red flag on your file from now on.

- We've got our eye on you.
- Mr. Maxwell,
you dropped your paper.

Now, I-I don't
want to sound silly,

but I am not going to give
up the credit on this man.

I am so proud of him. I saw the
potential there, from zero... minus zero.

And I pulled him along,
this far, am I right?

Bill, did I ever give up
faith in you one time? Never.

He's a great, solid man.

Real, solid sense of humor.

Loves his own press,
of course. Who wouldn't?

How did you do it? Really?

Wh-Wh-What? You mean
this little caper? Oh, shucks.

I started a file on
you six months ago.

You don't play the house odds,
but you keep on breaking the bank.

- Ah, what can I say?
- I don't like your hero,
Carlisle.

He's making fools out of
all of us. And he likes it.

On the other hand, I find I'm spending
more and more time on the computer.

- Both of these twerps
came out of the computer.
- You know who I am, soldier?

Sir, we're gonna miss the plane.

No, we're not. I'm not going to
miss anything on account of this hero.

So long, Carlisle. Keep
in touch about this matter.

Yes, sir.

Is it true? About the computer?

You were lying to them?

Then you do have
a secret! A real one!

Boy, you really saved my
neck with this newspaper. Whoa!

I don't know how to
thank you. You don't?

I never would have guessed.

Uh, no, I... Well,
I just mean...

that I owe you one, that's
all... You're a real good guy.

No, I'm not. I'm a girl.

Well, Mr. Super Fed, you certainly mopped
up some world-class sewers last night.

The number one secret
Russian spy working in America,

thought to be dead for 20
years. Yeah, well, we got...

He wasn't even there.
You got those guys.

I love it when he
gets "on the case."

Uh, because I'll get sandbagged by
the whole office tomorrow morning.

Uh, and second place, they take
a lot of points off for trashing cars.

Oh, my God! What? What?

Somebody's gonna sh**t
Bill outside the TV station.

And who could begrudge
a couple of cars?

Uh, five. Well,
even so, five cars.

Uh, you're kidding? Five cars?

Then it already happened. Ralph, this
is a rebroadcast from over an hour ago.

Then they're
waiting at his house.

Well, go ahead. I can take it.

I don't know what
you want me to say.

I was dumb and silly and I'll
never learn how to do that stuff.

Do you want yes
or no? Or the truth?

Oh, whatever you
think. Except the truth.

What's the matter?

It's... Oh! It's my
address. I live here.

- Is there coffee?
- You won't like it. I use eggshells.

Bill,

I've tasted every bad
coffee in the world.

And I'm tired. There
aren't any surprises.

That curb used to be
red. Will I get a ticket?

♪♪ Probably.

Oh, well.

♪♪ There's a game tonight
at the stadium. Do you hear it?

I don't remember
who. Philadelphia.

Thanks for taking me
home. Don't thank me yet.

Well, we got two more guys.

Don't worry. I'll figure out
something to do with them.

I can't be expected to
solve his personal problems.

Two magic suits and the
mother ship wouldn't do it.

Yea, team! Down on the case!

You two better come have
some of these good beans.

Okay, now, celebration
time this afternoon.

The good guys get to 86
the bad guys down with zip.

Ralph, that's pitcher number one.
That's the lethal stuff. That's you and me.

And, counselor, uh,
that's pitcher number two,

a little more conservative stuff for the
ladies, but world-class margaritas both.

O'Neil, punch two more
down in the salt there.

Miss O'Neil, this is Pam
Davidson, my fiancée.

Hi. Hello.

Ralph, we boiled them this time!

In their own oil, we fried
their garbonzos for 'em!

Uh, Mr. Maxwell, uh,
this has been a big day,

and you've had a
tremendous amount of success,

but, uh, I'm just the new kid.

And, uh, I'd really kind of like to
know how you did it, Mr. Maxwell.

Right. And we got to
celebrate. Lot to celebrate.

Now, listen up good,
'cause this is big.

This is a nine on the Richter.

Now, I haven't known this person
very long, a couple of weeks.

But my granddad told me there was
only one way to judge a man or a woman.

Would they go back-to-back
with you in the alley?

Not could they but would they.

Even if they don't know how.

Course, he said you can't find
anybody like that today. They're all dead.

But if you did find one,
don't never let him go.

Course, he's talking
about old guys, old-timers.

Geezers.

Go ahead, kid. Tell 'em.

I think it should
come from you. Ahem.

Now, we have been down the
road a far piece the last few months.

Thick and thin, muck and mire.

After all the bad stuff, what's the
best thing that you can think of?

Well, Bill, we always hoped...

that you would
finally find, uh...

Right, Ralph, right? Right.

A-A-As a matter of fact,
we-we-we talk about it a lot.

We were even talking
about it today. Today. Uh-huh.

Well, this time
I'm not in charge.

For once, it's not up to me. The
whole decision is up to the kid here.

Of course, some things should...
Should move at their own pace.

Oh, yeah, I got the
timing down real smooth.

Well, then you've
asked her parents? Huh?

Ralph! Have you
talked to your parents?

My parents are dead, long ago.

You have no family? Ralph!

I'm sorry. How do you
feel about this, Miss O'Neil?

Oh, I'm excited. Yes.

And a little bit bewildered
and scared, of course.

But Bill and I have
talked and I'm sure.

I think.

Well, the way it looks, uh, it won't
take long, tests, uh, couple of days tops.

It's so exciting.
Excuse me. Yeah.

Of course, she still has to learn to put 10
.38 rounds through a five-inch pattern...

and ram a car through a brick
wall, but these things come in time.

I can't believe it's
happening to me.

Bill? Yeah?

- Put a what through a what?
- Five-inch pattern
from 15 yards.

You pull a g*n, you got to be ready
to k*ll somebody. She don't know how.

That's why I'm taking over. She can't
even drive a stick. Are you ready for that?

But I got such confidence in this
person. She's gonna make a great agent!

What are you two
looking so dumb about?

Nothing.

You thought I fell
for her, didn't you?

It sounded like it.

This is business. She'd
make a great agent.

Let me out, please. W-Why?

I am disgusted with
the both of you. Why?

- About what?
- I don't know yet.

- What's the matter?
- She's just telling you
to be careful.

No, she's not. You are.
What's to be careful about?

She's an efficiency expert
who wants to be a fed.

Maybe.

Hi. You okay? I don't know. I've
seen them together twice now.

I don't understand their relationship.
No kidding. Welcome to the club.

They're obviously very
close, and you feel left out.

Oh, that. How do
you deal with it?

I don't. I get mad as hell.

Are they like this all the time?

Like what? Crazy.

Uh, no. But today's an off day.

Count your blessings and give me a
call. Here's my number. You got a card?

You asked me to cut school,
Bill. Are we working this afternoon?

Nah. You know, digging
up the g*ns on the beach?

No, no. We can handle it. We?

Well, O'Neil needs some dumb
work. We don't want to waste your gifts.

And Ralph is still teaching
school? Part-time, sort of.

He does seem intellectually
superior. He used to be.

The next thing you know, he's gonna
say, "I want to tell her everything."

The spaceship, little green
guys, you, me, the suit.

He's not silly. Well, he
is silly, but he's not crazy.

Now, listen, Ralph. If this thing
works, I want to tell her everything.

You know, the green guys,
the suit, the whole works.

Uh, well, it's Four Musketeers.

It's better than Three
Musketeers. Ain't she pretty?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Huh? Oh.

Here.

But I'm gonna find out a little
bit about this, uh, this woman.

Bill always says don't lie,
don't steal and don't cheat.

But then he manages
to snip the ends off that...

anytime he feels that the
end justifies the means.

Well, today it's my turn.

Today, uh, I'm gonna find
out who this woman really is.

All right, all right. Here's her
phone number and address.

But don't lose it. I want to give
her a call. She seems like a nice girl.

Wow. That's real heavy sand.

Do you have
permission to do this, sir?

Ask inside.

Hmm. Are you putting him on?

This was a snack bar. It
closed a couple of years ago.

Are you putting
us on? Ask inside.

- Wow.
- O'Neil, you see it?

You wanted to try out for
the team, now's the time.

One of these guys or both
of them is gonna jump me.

sh**t him. Midsection... not too low. We
don't want to give their attorneys anything...

about how nasty we are.

Just sh**t the first one that
moves. The g*n's in your bag.

Uh, you don't mind? Just take a sec.
She's new. Where are you boys from?

Get him up. Get him up.

Come on.

A telephone? No
telephone. Hospital.

Are you kidding? I'm a super fed on
the TV. Do you want to ruin my image?

It's a hundred miles to the car.
Can you sort of lean on me more?

Thought you'd never
ask. It's stupid, senseless...

Well, maybe stupid, not senseless.
They knew we were coming.

What? Somebody set us up.

I don't like you.
Come in, please.

- You can have my bed or the sofa.
- I'll take the sofa for now.

In your condition,
you might as well.

- I don't know
if I have anything.
- You got everything you need.

Will you quit that?

I feel bad enough.
This is all my fault.

- What do you got, angel?
- Heating pad, ice pack.

Nothing.

Well, I got a couple of ribs out here. We
need some barbed wire and a staple g*n.

Mm.

I'll settle for gaffer's
tape. Uh, drugstore.

I'll be okay.

This is a nightmare.

- Just the two?
- That's it?

Okay. If my guess is right,

she's gonna be in the phone
booth on the corner by the drugstore.

That's her, uh, nightgown
or bathrobe over there.

It seems a shame. We
were so close after so long.

What this man has done to us just in the
last 48 hours has driven the office crazy.

He's taken out two
of our finest comrades.

I will not argue with the
office. Neither will you.

Terminate him.

Thanks. Now clear out
of here. I got to do this.

What, have you finally
gone crazy, Bill? Come on!

This woman is
getting ready to k*ll you!

Well...

Well, what?

I don't think she can do it.

Where's your g*n?

You gave her your g*n! Yeah.

She was sent over
here a long time ago.

Just to nail the lid down on my box.
She's K.G.B. She's working for them.

How long have you known that?

Well, at first I thought I
was being silly, but, uh,

she set me up at the beach
today, uh, when she left the table.

Couldn't have been any
other time or any other person.

I got to take her down. I can do
it. I just don't know if I can do it.

See, that's not the kicker.
The kicker is, I fell for it.

I never wanted anybody
before. Not since my wife.

I wanted this dame
and I can't have her.

Bill, she's an enemy agent.

She's an enemy to you. She
is an enemy to the country,

which you have a sworn
obligation to protect.

Yeah, well, but, uh, you
know, outside of that...

For a schoolteacher, you're dumb. It's
your Gordian knot you were talking about.

It's too complicated. I can't
untie it. I got to chop it to pieces.

Hi, there.

Bill, you've got
to see a doctor.

Listen. Uh, give me your hand.

We're both in a lot
of trouble here, kid.

Okay, anyway, we can talk
straight, and we got to talk fast,

because when you rip out a
bug in a maximum situation,

it's kinda like knocking over the
red phone at, uh, SAC headquarters.

A whole lot of people
start to scramble.

Now, you can't take me
down... No way, impossible.

All right, come on, come on. We're
all grown-ups here and professionals.

I thought I was, uh, till
now. How'd you get it?

Well, you took a terrific chance at the
restaurant when you went to the phone.

You're good, but
you're not that good.

Come on. Wake up now.
We're running out of time here.

Then tell me what's the secret?
Nobody has a 98% k*ll record.

I would have told you.
Yeah, you would have.

I don't know who's
dumber here... you or me.

I'm gonna miss you, O'Neil.

You and your gardenias.

Lilacs.

Lilacs. Where the hell
you been all my life?

Where were you?

Well, we still got one
real p-problem here.

Uh, your people are not
gonna believe you anymore.

Things go wrong. They
understand that. No.

They don't. No.
They do not, really.

Anybody who lives by these
things is paranoid, hair-trigger.

Tell me.

They're gonna think you've
come over to our side.

You're trying to
scare me. Yeah, I am.

Honey, I don't think your life's
worth a plug nickel right now.

Well, who cares?

You cut that or I'll smack
you. You'd say anything.

You don't give a damn
about me. You don't...

Well, that's good news.

Listen. Maybe we could...

Maybe...

You want to come
in from the cold?

Please, mister.

Yeah. You know
how to do it all right.

I can't take you in,
babe. I can't trust you.

I'm a good worker.

And I love Acapulco. What
more does your old bureau want?

I went to the phone
booth on the corner.

I told them I had you down,
the way they wanted, helpless.

But you wouldn't tell me
the secret of your success.

They said force it. I said,
you can't force this man.

You can k*ll him, but you
can't push him an inch.

Does this hurt? Yeah.

Hold still.

Oh, let your breath out. Yeah.

They said I had to k*ll you.

Oh, it's gonna be easy. You're gonna
strangle me with this gaffer's tape.

Come on. Give me a breath.

Babe? Come on now.
We'll figure something out.

Come on.

You think I care about you?
What are you doing to me?

I'd have gone to hell with you.

The south of France or Peru.

Angel, you're
bent. You're a liar.

Only around the edges.

So long, kid.

Mr. Maxwell. She
was always a flake.

I could never tell if she was going out to
pick up the microfilm or a pound of salami.

But I've never seen
her like this before.

Whatever it is you do to people to
accomplish your fabled 98% record...

ought to have a law against it.

I'm in no position
to bargain here,

but I want favor. Possibly.

I want to go second. Pardon?

I want to see this
two-faced traitor burn.

You mean, she's loyal to us?

Come on. They shot Mata
Hari. That's the least you can do.

Noble try,
Mr. Maxwell. No cigar.

You'll have carry him.

This is crazy. There's
no film in that camera.

Fake. They told these
kids it was a movie.

They were talking in the car.

You and me are supposed to go out on the last
two surfboards in chains. Part of the movie.

Could we float to Peru? Most of the
sharks are between here and Catalina.

Busy, busy. Comic strip.

It does look silly,
doesn't it? Yeah.

It isn't. Six thousand g*ns in 22
minutes from a populated beach.

What do you think? A
Cinema Seven release?

Uh, who dreamed it up? I did.

You're not as dumb as
you look. What are you?

I'm modest. You tell him.

He's you. The other side.

Oh. Yeah? You got
a 98% record, huh?

No. That's why I'm going to
have your secret, Mr. Maxwell.

Originally, this
was just about you.

Then we lost the g*ns to that man, the man we
k*lled in the shower. He double-crossed us.

Filled the g*n cases with
machine parts and plastic popcorn...

and hid the real
g*ns right here.

Then, all of a sudden,
you showed up.

How did you know? I just
want to know how you knew,

because it's impossible.

See this? Oh. Yeah, thumbscrew.

That's a cheapjack,
an imitation.

Can't you do anything
original, you creep?

It works. Not on you.

On her. Oh, well.

Okay, that's it, I
guess. Uh, Ralph?

Ralph?

Ralph?

Do something, Ralph! I want
you to promise you'll listen.

- Get us out of this mess.
- I called the cops.

You're a ventriloquist.
I'm not impressed.

Shark! Shark!

Well, we got 'em.

What's going on out there?

How did we do that? O'Neil.

Thanks, Sarge.

What?

Uh, you're on their side. I am?

You're not on our side. You're on their side.
You have to be, otherwise I can't bust you.

You can't? You mean
I did something right?

Come here. We'll
work something out.

It's embarrassing.
I'm still a bad guy.

Nah. You're a girl. Irish girl.

Where is she? It was a long
day in court. She's exhausted.

That's not what I asked you.

In the ladies' room having
a cry. What happened?

She went the way
you told her. So?

So, I got the bail you
wanted. Hallelujah!

I told the judge it was your life
savings... 20 years, every dime.

What'd he say? He said, "Every
dimwit gets what he deserves,"

quote, unquote. Smart judge.

Well, I can't testify
against her. I wasn't there.

Her people won't either. Can't.

They'd be further compromised.
Not her people. Not anymore.

Bill, she's guilty.
Yeah, of bad judgment.

I can't believe this is
Bill Maxwell I'm talking to.

Making a nice gesture is
one thing, Bill, footing her bail.

But you have to
testify against her. I do?

You tell him. Bill, without your
testimony, there is no case against her.

Oh, no kidding. Hey, O'Neil,
can you bait a fishhook?

Live bait, spinner, what?

See, uh, we got some punk kids here
think they know how to fish. Ralph's kids.

Uh, it's your remedial therapy
for the afternoon. Call this day one.