01x03 - Raph Thinks It Through

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on "Tales of the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,"

I totally fought a robot,
and a bear, too.

We got attacked by Bishop
and her Mechazoids,

and I got separated
from my family.

Even worse, I got stuck
with Bishop's intern, Rod,

whose dad can call off the
robots and save my brothers.

In exchange, he wants to
get turned into a mutant

because he's legit crazy.

Anyway, I accidentally
turned a pigeon

into a mutant instead.
These things happen.

Long story short, I beat
the Mechazoid all on my own,

but now, I got to help
my brothers.

- Did you know there's
a new street g*ng in town?

- What? Where?
I need new butts to kick.

- You shouldn't be so aggro.
- Yeah, sure, Mikey.

Next time I'm in a fight,
I'll just tell jokes.

- [squeaking]

- I'm not worried.

- Humans all seem
pretty awesome.

- I'm not gonna let anything
happen to us, Dad.

- I got this!

[echoing]
Got this! Got this!

[boat horn blasting]

[gasps]

[panting]

Ah!

[struggling]

[groans]

[gasps]

[stomach grumbles]

[retches]

[panting]
[turtle clicks, whines]

That's messed up, man.

- Did that turtle just
cough up another turtle?

- Dude, the big turtle
barfed up another turtle.

Does that make him,
like, a cannibal?

I'm gonna lose it
if that little turtle

coughs up
an even smaller turtle.

[chainsaw revs]
- [whines]

- OK, look.
[groans]

I don't have time for
whatever this is, but if you...

[winces]
if you want to go, then let's...

ah.
[thuds]

- If we want to go where?
He didn't finish.

- Hey, sorry to interrupt,

but that chainsaw,
it's very close to my face.

- Chainsaw, knock it off
and get in the truck!

- Aw!

- Take the turtle.
We're leaving.

[water bubbling]

[distorted rumbling]

- [grumbling]

[beeping]

[electrical static crackling]

[ominous music]

[clanking, whirring, crackling]

[turtle clicks, whines]

- Eh, not the weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

[upbeat grungy rock music]

♪ ♪

[chicken clucking]
[engine revving]

[train horn blares]

♪ ♪

- [groaning]

- Get ready, freaks.

My Mecha-robot-thing is going
to kick all your mutant butts,

for the sake of humanity
and stuff.

- Yeah, I don't really...

I don't really remember
why I'm here.

I feel...
I feel weirdly out of place.

- Despite me talking
a big game all the time

about being the leader,

I have absolutely no idea
what to do.

- Let me run some numbers
on this.

Beep-boop, beep-boop,
beep-boop.

Dork stuff.

- Oh, I have a dumb idea.

Let's just talk to them
and try and be nice.

Like that would ever work.

- I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

[blades ringing]

We're gonna kick
their metal butts.

[shouts]

[epic music]

- [roaring]

- Let's go!

♪ ♪

What the...

[grunts]

Whoa.

- All your strength
is not enough, Raphael.

Your brothers' butts
will be kicked,

all because
you couldn't save them.

- Ah!

No, no! Ah!

- Yo, he's got gills.

I told you turtles could
breathe underwater.

- Those aren't gills.
That's just neck fat.

- But he's a mutant,
so all bets are off.

- Why the mask?

Like, does he think
we can't tell

he's a turtle
with that thing on?

- Ah!

[grunts]

- See?
I told you he was alive.

- You're about to wish
I wasn't, you...

did you tie me up with
an extension cord?

- And what about it?

- Told you that was
a dumb idea.

Mutants are super strong,
and they can breathe fire.

- You want to tell me
who you idiots are

before I crack your skulls,
or after?

[neck cracking]
I'm gonna do both, honestly.

I've got a lot of anger
to work out.

- We're the Purple Dragons,
and we run Brooklyn.

- Well, more like
the Sunset Park Bay Ridge area.

- I wouldn't even call it
Sunset Park, the neighborhood.

- Eh, technically,
Bad Bernie still controls it.

So it's more like
the block across from the park.

- Yo, shut up!
He doesn't need to know that.

We're the Purple Dragons,

and we run 7th Ave
between 40 and 42 Street.

- I changed my mind.
I don't...I don't care.

Which one of you thrift shop
rejects wanna go first?

[tires squeal]

[beeping]
Ah!

I'm pretty sure I've got a...
a few broken ribs.

You're a big one.

Hiya, Hagrid.

Any chance this is, like,
an industrial-themed hospital?

What is that? A brick?

Yep, looks like a brick
all right.

[chicken clucking]
Hey.

[crows loudly]

What are you...
[grunts]

[bone crunches]
Ah!

[winces]

[chickens clucking]

What the heck is this place?

[soft ominous music]

[chickens squawk]
Get off. Shoo!

I don't want your bird flu.

[bone crunches]
[grunts]

- Hey, you're upsetting
the chickens.

Don't worry, Sherry,
you look strong. Healthy.

You too, Becks.

- What are you doing?

- I'm putting arms
on the chickens.

- Why?

- So they can
protect themselves.

- Yeah?
Well, who's gonna protect you?

[dramatic music]

[distant bird caw]

[wind blows]

Ah!
[metallic clunk]

The heck?
Ah, come on, seriously? Chains?

What, is this supposed to be
some kind of

low-budget horror movie?

- Please stop.

I don't want to have
to hurt you again.

- All right, Gigantor,

you couldn't hurt me
if you tried.

I'm a mutant,
you know what that means?

It means you're about to get
a world-class beatdown and...

- My name's Hun.
- What?

- My name is Hun, not Gigantor.

It's not OK to make fun of
someone 'cause of their size.

- What's with you?
What is this place, huh?

Your little...
your little street g*ng

does chicken farming
on the side?

[chickens clucking]

- [sighs] I wish.

[engine revving]

[chickens squawking]

[metallic sheen]

- Come on, Angel!
We talked about this.

- This is my baby.
I'm not leaving it outside.

Crime around here is crazy.

We're literally in a warehouse
full of criminals.

- The noise scares
the chickens.

- No one cares about
the chickens, Hun.

Forget about the chickens!

- Oh, what are you supposed
to be, his mom?

- That's Angel, she's not my...

- I know she's not your mom.

She's only like
a year older than.

You can we just get on with
this, OK? I got places to be.

- What?
You got a math test tomorrow?

You and the other turtles,
you go to school,

isn't that right?

- Wait.

He's a turtle?
- Yes, he's a turtle.

Do you not watch TV?

- Wait, what did you think
I was?

- Uh, crab?

- All right, talk time's over.

It's time to crack some eggs.
[grunts]

♪ ♪

- Ah!

- And by "eggs,"
I mean your heads.

- That's not funny.

- Now you've done it, Turtle.

[grunts]

Hun!

- [roars]

[bones cracking]

- [gasps]

[grunts]

Yeah, OK.

I...I guess I could hang around
for a little while.

- Sorry, Turtle.

- I told you to make sure
he was secure.

Bob's letting us use this place
as a favor.

He said not to wreck it.
Look at the floor.

Kitsune is coming
personally, Hun.

She wants to see
the mutant for herself,

so he has to stay put.

You think you can handle that?
- Yes, Angel.

- [groans]
Kitsune put us in charge.

You're the strongest Dragon
here,

but no one's gonna respect you
if you don't toughen up.

So brick up already!

You've got one job, Hun.
Just watch him!

[chicken clucks softly]

- Great. At least no one
will think to look for me

in an abandoned chicken factory
with sad Shaq over here.

[beeping]

- [distorted grumbling]

[glass squeaks]

[electrical crackling]

[electrical crackling]

- [grunts]
Are you kidding me with this?

I'm gonna get out
of these chains,

and I'm gonna...
[groans]

Hey, big man. Sorry.

Earl, Honk,
whatever your name is.

Can you get a little closer?

I have a secret to tell you
about kicking your butt.

- No.

What did I do to deserve
all this attitude?

- Seriously?

You kidnapped me
and hung me on a hook!

- You attacked us first.

- You chained me to the floor
in a chicken factory.

- It's not a factory.

They're humanely treated.
Bob said so.

- Yeah, I mean, I'm sure
the giant death plucker

hanging from the ceiling is,
uh, it's just for decoration.

Look, Bob lied, man.

Not to mention, it's like


There's nothing humane about
lacking an air conditioner.

- [grunts angrily]

[intense rock music]

[roars]

- Oh, my God.
Is this how you fight?

Ow. [grunts] You...
- [chomps]

- Ow! Oh, what,
are you biting now? Ew!

You fight like
a hungry sixth grader.

[grunts]

[groans]

If I throw up,
I hope some of it gets on you.

[burps]
- That's gross.

Sorry about the violence,
Becks.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

[chickens clucking]

All of you.

- What,
you're an animal liberator?

Liberate me. I'm an animal.

- I'm sorry I bit you.

- And you're bad at this.

I...I'm your prisoner.

I mean, you don't have to
apologize to me.

How are you in a position
of authority here?

[stammers]
Baffles me.

- I don't know.
I'm the biggest, the strongest.

The other Dragons,
I have to protect them.

- Yeah, man,
I...I get that, all right?

Except sometimes...

- Sometimes,
I'm not strong enough.

So I carry Bricky to help
remind me to be stronger.

- Bricky?

Man, god, you've really
gotta workshop that name.

I mean, "Brick Cage" feels like

an obvious winner,
if you ask me.

How about, uh...
how about "Brick Jagger"?

[chicken squawking loudly]

Yeah, I still don't understand
how there's a...

a chicken plucking factory
in the city.

- We're just borrowing it
until we get our own place.

[chickens clucking]
- Hey, what's their problem?

- I don't think they like you.

They find your energy
unsettling, obviously.

[softly] It's OK.
He's not gonna hurt you.

[dramatic music]

- It's a Mechazoid!
- What's a Mechazoid?

- There's these...
look, it's complicated, OK?

There's a weird k*ller robot
out there

hunting for me and my brothers.

- What's it doing up there?
- I don't know.

Maybe it's waiting up there
for the right moment.

Maybe it got banged up like
I did, and it's fixing itself.

You gotta let me
out of here, man.

- I can't.

- Look, I'm trying to
help you, Hun.

That thing's gonna come in here
and tear us up.

Probably the chickens, too.

- Do you know how mad
Kitsune would be?

- Ooh, big bad leader of
the Purple Dragons.

You act like
she's some kind of boogeyman.

I mean, maybe she scares you,
but not me.

[engine revving]
- She's here.

[engine revving]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- What? Hun, turn me around.

♪ ♪

[chicken clucking softly]

Are you for real?

This is your big boss?

The one you're all afraid of?

Show a little backbone, Hun.

[Purple Dragons shushing]
- Are you crazy?

- Angel, what do you have
for me?

- It's one of the mutants
that helped save the city from

whatever that thing was,
the big monster.

Two of my guys fished it
out of the river.

- Look, Kitsune,
or whoever you are,

I appreciate that you got
your little street g*ng

going on in there,
matching colors,

doing your little crimes
or whatever,

but you need to let me go
right now,

or I swear, I'll...

[tapping screen]

[notification whooshes]
- Go on.

- Uh, that was, like,
an implied threat.

I mean, your imagination
is supposed to...

[sighs]

Look, I'm gonna get out of
these chains

and kick the living snot
out of all of you.

Starting with you, lady.

- Right.

And you haven't done this
already because?

That's what I thought.

- [exhales] What do you even
want with me anyway?

- As it turns out, there are
several international buyers

interested in having a mutant
specimen all their own,

and are willing to pay
an exorbitant price

to procure one.
- Uh, what?

- We're selling you, mutant.

- [loudly] What?

- Get him ready for shipment.

Oh, but cut off one of
his fingers, please.

There's a pharmaceutical
company

that was asking for samples.

- [chuckling] Yes. Yes, yes!

Finally!
[phone rings]

- I have to take this.
Nothing personal.

- OK, whoa,
let's just talk about this.

[chainsaw revving]
Hey!

How much of a finger
do you really need?

I mean, I only have three.

Maybe we compromise with
a little milking?

- [rumbling]

[beeping]

- Oh, come on!

Hey, lady! Kitsune!

there's an evil robot
that's gonna come in here

and wipe out
your stupid Purple Dragons

if you don't let me go.

You got to believe me.

[chainsaw revving]
- Really, Turtle?

Not the police, or even
your other mutant friends,

but an evil robot?

Next time,
try something believable.

- Uh, that's really close
to my face.

- Sorry.

But I did really like
talking to you.

- I should...I should try...

- Sometimes you get farther
with a smile and a kind word.

Just saying.
- Yeah, sure, Mikey.

Next time I'm in a fight,
I'll just tell jokes.

I should try talking to you.

Maybe tell you a joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Hun, why'd the chicken
cross the road?

- What?
- So I can eat it.

- [laughs]

It doesn't make sense,
but that's why I like it.

It's nuanced.

[chainsaw revving]
- How do you offend a chicken?

You roast it.

[scattered snickering]

- Hey. That's not funny.

- Why don't chickens
like people?

Because people beat eggs.

- [gasps]
[Purple Dragons laughing]

- That's a good one,
right, Hun?

- Are all of these jokes going
to be about hurting chickens?

- Probably, yeah, yeah.

What day of the week are
chickens afraid of?

- Don't say Fry-day.
- Fry-day!

[laughter]

- [growls]

What are you doing?

- I'm taking
my brother's advice,

and I'm buying time.
- For what?

- [rumbling]
[glass shatters]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- For that.

- [rumbling]

- What the heck is that?

- It's an evil robot
k*lling machine.

The turtle wasn't lying.
Get it!

- [shouting]

[grunts in effort]

[clanking]

[chickens squawk]

[chainsaw revving]

- Come on, baby.

[engine roars]
It's our time to shine!

Yah!

[blade grinds, stops]

- [rumbling]

- [nervous chuckle]

Sorry?
[grunts]

[chickens squawking]
- No!

[dramatic music]

[metallic clank]

- Ooh, uh, never mind.
I did not mean that!

- [grunts in effort]

[electrical zapping]
Ah!

[groans]

- Hey, Mech-head,
what are you waiting for?

I'm right here!

- [snarls]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[chickens clucking]
- [grunts]

OK, maybe this is why
Leo makes the plans.

[chicken squawks]

- Sherie!

[chainsaw buzzing]

[roars]

Rah!

[grunting]
[brick thudding]

- Hey, thanks for
the good times, guys.

See ya around.

♪ ♪

- [screams]

[thudding and pounding]

[grunts, shouts]

[Dragons screaming]

[grunts]

- [sighs] Come on.
Don't be stupid, Raph.

Just...just walk away and...

- [screaming]

- [groans]
Hang on, Hun.

- [shouts]

I can't let you leave.

- Leave?
I'm trying to save you guys.

- Kitsune said...
- Where's your boss now, huh?

Oh, right. She split.

Now get out of my way,
or help me.

- Angel!

[straining]

- Hun!
- I'll be taking these back.

Yah!

[shouts]

[blade ringing]

- [grunts, shouts]

[breathing heavily]

- You ready to brick up?

♪ ♪

- [roars]
[chainsaw buzzing]

♪ ♪

[brick thuds loudly]
- Ah!

- Yah! [snarls]

[metallic ringing]

[hollow clattering]

[declining whirring]

- Yes!
- Yeah! [groans]

[mechanical chirping, rumbling]

- What?

That's not fair.
We chopped its head off!

- [snarls]
[chainsaw buzzing]

- [grunting]

Oof!

Turtle...

Huh?

- [shouting]

♪ ♪

Get plucked.

[shouting]

[chickens squawking]

- [winces]

All right, that was...
that was pretty good.

Just, uh...
[coughs]

just give me a minute
if we're gonna fight now.

[groans]

"Bishop Robotics"?

Are we doing this?

- No.

- Fine.
You saved Hun.

He's a big idiot,
but he's my idiot.

We're even.

- Wait. You...you mean...

- Just get out of here.
I'll tell Kitsune you escaped.

- Yeah. Yeah, fine.

Hey, Hun,
see you on the other side...

of the road,
which I'm about to cross.

- Your jokes are bad, Turtle.

Bob's gonna be mad
we wrecked his place.

- Yeah.

We'll tell him
the mutant did it.

[chickens clucking softly]

- Be free, my friends.

Don't talk to strangers.

And stay away from dogs.

[chickens cooing]

They're crossing the road...

to freedom.

[engine roars]
[chicken squawks]

- You forgot to teach it
to look both ways.

Wait. Where's my bike?

[engine revving]

- I'm coming, guys.

♪ ♪

[train horn blasting]

- [screams]
- [snarls]

[grungy electronic rock music]

♪ ♪

[quirky fanfare]