01x08 - Kite Man and Louise, Hell Yeah!

[bunniefuu]

Well, if you have
to be on the run

from two of the most ruthless
villains in the world,

never hurts to see the words,

"Free breakfast."

"Free Continental breakfast."

Hey, remind me
on what continent

they eat this trash
for breakfast?

Okay.

How about we sit and enjoy

our sour cream parfaits?

We should
go back to Noonan's.

Babe, that's the first place
Lex and Helen will look.

Plus, this is fun.

We're on the run,
like Bonnie and Clyde.

That's ridiculous.

You are such a Clyde.

Yeah. I say we lay low,
let tempers cool,

then reach out to Lex
and Helen on our terms.

Ask them what they'd
give us for it.

f*ck, no! With this,
I can control my powers.

We don't have to answer
to anybody anymore.

No doubt.

All I'm saying is,
we don't exactly know

what this briefcase thing is.

And while it's super cool

that you can totally control
your powers now,

that there might be

side effects
we aren't considering.

Maybe mood related.

Oh, no. Uh, not quite
finished with that.

Whoa! Babe!

There's something creepy
about those guys, Chuck.

They wanted the briefcase.

All right. Well, maybs still
a smidge of an overreact-sh.

Uh, babe,

I know we're not
answering to anyone,

but I feel like
we should take this.

- It's Noonan.
- FIne.

And next time, there better
be yogurt down here!

And some eggs
f*cking Benedict!

Stop it.

All right.
I did some digging.

When you open the case,
is there something inside?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Does it glow? Okay.
- Yeah.

When you look at it,

do you see the struggle
of chaos over empathy?

The all-knowing
and the unknowable?

The faint shrieks
of the damned

ringing in the caverns
of your soul?

Uh... yeah.

What you have is definitely

the Anti-Life Equation.

- The what?
- The most feared

weapon in the universe.

They say it bestows
the power to enslave minds.

That there's no telling
what it does

to whoever holds it.

- Okie-doke.
- Listen...

bad people
are looking for that.

If you got somewhere to hide,

I suggest you go there.

I think I know just the place.

A resort and spa?

Babe, here we can
be on the run for our lives

and have a relaxing,
couple's getaway.

Plus, I trust the owner.
He's an old friend.

Kite Man!

Damn good to see you!

♪ Hell yeah! ♪

So glad you're back
together, Fables.

And I forgot how much
I love that outfit.

Yeah, feels good.

That c*ck Insect Queen

scurried into her
cocoon real fast

once I got my body back.

Thanks for throwing me
the party.

Of course. I love throwing
re-capitation parties.

This party is lifting
my spirits,

which had been crushed

after I did not win
Sexiest Villain.

Well, I suppose you could say
you're technically

the second sexiest.

Oh! Well, I haven't
thought of that.

Second sexiest
is the first un-sexiest.

Back in business, huh?

Let's just say I got some
k*lling to catch up on.

But first, gonna
k*ll these glutes

in my Bangin' Booty class.

Give my legs their
"damn" back.

Yeah, must be nice

to do a workout class
or, you know, walk.

Hold up. Anybody else
feel that?

I think a super f*cking
ungrateful breeze

- just blew through.
- Oh. Wow.

So I'm supposed to, what,

thank you after you blew
my shot with Insect Queen?

She was gonna eat you,
you dumb m*therf*cker!

- Says you.
- You're welcome.

You're just jealous
she was so into me.

Y'all hearing this sh*t?

Go on, bears.

Lick that half naked ingrate
out of that honey.

Oh, sure! Walk away!

Got your body back, suddenly
you're too good for Moe!

This is the most premier,
high-end resort in the country.

We got fresh air for days.

- Is that a nuclear power plant?
- You're damn right it is.

That's how I got
the land so cheap.

Smart. This place
is gorgeous, Frank.

Thanks.

I provide Gotham's
rich and famous

with an exclusive
private getaway.

Hey, now look here,
don't worry.

I got you off the books.
Our highest level of privacy.

I understand
you got a little trinket

that some bad peeps want.

Sure do.

Bit of a Catch Twenty Dos,

can't let it fall
into the wrong hands.

Can't keep it in our hands.

It's turned my cuddly,
snuggle bear

into a bit of a grizzly,
m*rder bear.

So, yeah, still noodling
on how we get rid of it.

No, we are not.

Well, you can trust the old
Frank there, snuggle bear.

I'll keep it quiet.
And while you're here

enjoy a massage, a sauna,
rent bikes, whatever you want.

You know Frank got you, baby.

Mom?

Ooh, bike ride and picnic
around the nuke plant could be fun.

'Splode my mother!

- Are you kidding me?
- What is it?

Lex and Helen want
to meet with me privately.

Saying it's super important.

The hell, you think they want?

Isn't it obvious?

They want Bane
at the big boy table.

I thought you said Lex Luthor
treated you like rubbish.

Um, no. I said "garbage."

But that was before Helen.

She knows a supervillain
when she sees one.

She clearly convinced Lex
that I'm worthy of respect.

Uh-huh...

But, do not worry.

I will not forget
about you guys.

You will all have minor jobs

at my supervillain
'ministration.

- Ugh.
- Thank you, I guess.

Yeah, right,
I'm holding my breath.

Um, Fables,
is that a friend of yours?

g*dd*mn it!
Goldilocks got out?

Do you want some cigarettes?

Cigarettes are too smokey.

Right. Um, Fables...

Ugh! I forgot
how annoying she is.

All right, you golden
little sh*t, back in the book.

Hmph! I don't want to.

Come on, in the book.

Um, looks like the little lady
does not want to go, Fables.

Maybe you should let her
stay for a bit?

Then somebody's
gotta watch her.

I'm late for Bangin' Booty.

Then I'm getting
my nails done.

- Oh, hell no.
- I'm not a f*ck' babysitter.

Fine! Then you're
babysitting, Bane.

Yay!

Well, the thing is,

I am not great with kids.

Happy birthday, Liam.

What... what is this?

Hm. It is despair.

Um, I was hoping for a swan?

Despair is what comes

when we do not get
the things we hope for.

Okay! Um...

Perhaps anguish?

Uh, misery?

Or... or a poodle?

So, yeah.
Not really a babysitter.

Hmm.

I suppose I could keep an eye

for a short bit.

- Bye.
- But do not forget.

I have got my big
Lex and Helen thing later.

So...

Hey! Hey, of course,

our pool with full-service
cabanas and swim-up bar.

Yeah, yeah, I see you!

We're also the premiere
bachelorette party destination.

It says SPF 40.

But it's more like SPF 69.

I just had three moles
removed, so...

Georgia O'Keefe's
great-granddaughter, Amber,

is getting married
next weekend.

Amber, I am so happy for you.

No, I just-- Seriously?
You deserve it.

Second time is the charm.

This is pretty wild.

Oh, hey!
The stripper's here!

You gonna lose
that suit or what?

Yeah! Come on, green bean.

Show us what you got!

Oh, uh, no,
actually, not a stripper.

Just here on some
serious business.

With his serious girlfriend.

Ooh, "Serious girlfriend."

Sounds serious.

Yeah, well it is.

We live together.

Ooh! She lives
with a stripper!

Okay, now, ladies,
I'm very flattered...

Oh, you're flattered?

Not at all flattered.

Anyway, hope
it's a lovely wedding.

Forget ice skates.

Take it off!

Forget me?

Oh, I don't think so.

Where ya goin', ladies?

The party's just starting.

Come on, don't run!
It's Amber's weekend.

Let's pick out some
bridesmaid dresses,

you trash bags!

Holy shitballs! Code red!

I need some cabana staff
out here, stat!

Ladies, take it easy.

Everything's gonna be cool.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- Babe, babe! Calm down, please.
- That's f*cked up!

Now, come on.
Just calm down.

Now they'll
never forget me.

I don't know
what the f*ck that was,

but I can't have you coming
in here, melting my customers.

Absolutely, Frank.

Ixnay on the elting-may
of the ustomers-kay.

You have my word.
Won't happen again.

- Right, babe?
- I don't know.

And you can take
that to the bank.

You got one night
and that's it.

I'll take you to your bungalow.

But in the morning,
you are out of here.

Okay. Yeah.
No, I guess that's fair.

After you, Glider.

God damn it. I'm probably gonna have
to comp that O'Keefe room.

You got Frank f*cked up.

Oh, my God!

Do not go shopping
with Goldilocks.

That was a day at the mall
I'd like to forget.

"This one's too tight,
this one's too lose..."

Jesus Christ!
Pick a f*cking dress!

Particular, ain't she?

- Do you want something?
- A milkshake.

I cannot believe
Fables is not back.

Can you watch Goldie?

Hey! This stool is too wobbly.

- Forget it.
- I made a business plan

for Lex and Helen.

With some sweet
graphs and charts.

You know, for when
we join forces.

Anyway, I want
to go print it out.

This milkshake
is too cold.

Half-hour, tops.

This milkshake is too hot.

How can a milkshake
be too hot?

I hate this bloody c**t.

Language!

Come on, Goldie. Let's go.

PO Boxes and So Forth

closes in 20 minute!

Hello. I am in a rush
and I need to print a 37-page--

Just a moment, sir.

Hey, kiddo.

I bet you'd like a lollipop.

- No, no, no, you don't want--
- Yucky!

This lollipop is too sweet.

Goddamnit!

Okay. Well, let me see
if I have another one.

Really not necessary.

Again, up against
the clock here.

This one is too sour.

I want full-color collated...

Oh, maybe I have
one more option.

And I need it,
like, yesterday.

This one is just right.

Aw, good!

Now, I'm sorry, sir,
but we're closing.

Perhaps you can
come back tomorrow?

What?

That is what I was entirely
trying to avoid

with my urgency!

These store hours
will be your reckoning!

You are lucky I am with child.

Hey, Kite Man, join me.

Thanks, bud. And I insist
I'm paying for this.

No sh*t, you're paying for it.
It's gonna cost me a fortune

to fix everything
your girlfriend broke.

Yeah, I...

I'm sorry, Frank.

Mm-hm. It's not your fault.

Good to see you
found somebody, man.

I always thought you had
a raw deal in the Ivy thing.

Well, it was for the best,

but I'm kind of feeling

like I'm about to be
a two-time loser in love.

Glider hasn't been
the same

since she got this
Anti-life Equation.

Mm-hm. Once you get
that kind of power,

that sh*t goes to your head.

It's so weird.

It's gotten inside her brain
but doesn't do anything to me.

Speaking of,
"Don't do anything,"

where's your f*cking kite?

I traded it for a power

that turned me into
a world-class a-hole.

If it wasn't for Glider,
I'd still be "Beast Mode."

As soon as she saved me,
I knew right then

I never wanted another power.

No, thanks.

Well, there it is.

- What?
- She wants control.

Briefcase makes her
a control freak.

You don't want nothing,
so it does nothing to you.

Huh.

I have got to get her
back to herself.

I mean, it is kind of tricky

dating someone
who kills indiscriminately

and can enslave the minds
of all living beings.

Hm. So that's why so many
villains want that briefcase.

Yep, and I'm afraid
of what they'll do with it.

But then again,
we sure can't keep it.

Yeah, real pickle
you got there.

Well, I should probs get
a little shut eye. Thanks, Frank.

Sleep well, Kite Man.

There is still no sign

- of Kite Man and Golden Glider.
- Really?

I thought your precious
all-knowing algorithm

would have found them by now.

Oh, have you tried
unplugging it

and then plugging it back in?

I don't care for your sarcasm.

Perhaps you should leave
the villainy to a professional.

Like it or not, Luthor,

if we want
to find the briefcase,

we have to work together.

For now.

That's why I summoned Bane.

He's easily manipulated

and will certainly
lead us to Kite Man.

- You're welcome.
- And what if he can't?

Then we k*ll him.

What is up, team?

Look, I hope you have
a good A/V set up

- because I couldn't print--
- Bane.

I didn't know you had a--

Oh, no, just baby-sitting.

This is Goldilocks.

Do not worry.

It'll be like
she's not even here.

Well, sweetie, how about
you find a place to sit

- while the grown-ups talk?
- Bane,

this may be
the most important--

This seat is too soft.

Goldie, can you just move
to another one?

Bane,

the balance of power
in the universe--

This seat is too hard.

For f*ck's sake,
put a muzzle on that kid.

Well, hold up, Lex.

I don't think we need
the harsh language.

I agree. Why don't you find
another seat, sweetheart?

Bane, you're going to give
us the location of Kite Man--

This seat is too high.

- Jesus Christ!
- You know what,

you spoiled little sh*t?

I paid a lot for these couches.

You will not talk to her
in that manner!

We'll talk to that brat
however we want.

"Brat"? How dare you?

She knows what she wants

and will not settle
for something

that is not just right.

A lesson I should have
learned long ago.

- I pass on your offer.
- We made no offer.

Jesus!

Come on, Goldie.
We're leaving.

Mr. Bane,

- you're just right.
- Aw.

You're not going anywhere
until you tell us where Golden--

That won't be necessary.

Excuse me?

Look at that, Lex.

Seems it's time for
the professionals

to take charge.

I don't call it work.

I call it fun.

"Calm down." Why would he
want me to calm down?

Other people
need to calm down.

I'm doing great.

I mean,
do I feel a little weird?

Yeah, maybe.

But also,
I have never felt better.

You've never
been better.

- Mom...
- Our time has arrived, Lisa.

We've been
laughed at, forgotten,

- abandoned.
- You abandoned me.

I made you strong.

But we were not made
for this world, you and I.

- We weren't?
- That's why I left, darling.

Why I went searching
for the one thing

that could make us whole.

And you found it.

The thing that would
make all the pain

and the loneliness worth it.

The thing that would finally
give you control.

I can control it now.

And we are now more powerful
than all of them.

We can rule
as mother and daughter.

But what about Chuck?

Chuck? Don't you mean
Beast Mode?

Don't buy
the nice guy routine.

You've seen the real him.

He's in the way
of everything you want.

Mom?

Uh, yeah, babe?

Uh, we should prob
get some zzz's, huh?

Chuck, are you in the way
of everything I want?

I'm sorry. What now?

Don't be.

We could be the most powerful
villain couple in the universe.

Enslaving the minds of--

Okay, okay, babe, I'm gonna have to use
one of my timeouts here.

I think the Equation
is going to your head.

And quite frankly, I'm tired
of being polite about it.

Oh, really?

You're starting to sound
like someone

who'd like to have
his mind enslaved.

Huh?

The hell?

Sorry, Kite Man.

Frank! You sold us out?

You b*stard!

Hey, I'm a plant.
I always lean toward the sun.

And by sun, I mean a huge
bag of Helen Villigan's money.

How is it we keep running
into each other?

I did not consent
to this lick-down.

Okay, keep talking.

I'll send you back
to that bottomless

breadstick factory
you came from,

you ungrateful meatball.

I'm ungrateful?

I let your head take up
space on my body

rent-free there, Mother Goose.

- You miserable...
- You insufferable...

Gorgeous, sexy b*stard.

I've missed you, baby.

- Mm...
- Ah...

Ooh, good!

Your mommy and, uh...

step-Moe are...

Well...

Maybe let's cover your eyes.

Uh, and mine too.

Well, isn't that touching?

Yeah, I'd say that's a lot
of touching, all right.

It's over,
Golden Glider.

Give us
the Anti-life Equation.

- f*ck off.
- There's no sense in fighting.

You can't enslave
the minds of robots.

And by the time you melt
their hafnium carbide armor,

Kite Man will be dead.

So hand it over
and we'll all go home.

Babe, as much as I want
to get rid of this thing,

I feel like giving it
to Helen is a bad idea.

No sh*t! Any good ideas?

Maybe get the hell
out of here?

Okay. It's something.
Let's do it.

Hell yeah, Chuck!

Disc-golf skills have many
applications, babe.

f*ck!

I would, babe, but usually
like to be on top of the bed.

That was pretty good, babe.

Now run for the door!

Damn it!
Get me that briefcase.

Ugh! They're still here?

Amber, this stripper is so--

Unless they're working
on their backhand, babe,

this won't hold them for long.

But I've got an idea.

- What is it?
- I shouldn't say it out loud, babe,

but it rhymes with
puke-ular sour chant.

What? Oh!

Okay, good call.

Where the hell are they going?

After them!

Chuck, this is brilliant.

From here I can vaporize
them all in one shot.

Show Helen
who's in charge now.

Uh, babe, that's not
exactly what I was thinking.

I think we should chuck
that thing into the reactor.

Are you kidding me?

No! I'd sooner chuck you
into the reactor, Chuck.

Babe, I made a mistake
when I got a power.

It took me to a bad place.

But you never gave up on me.

I know it might not
feel like it,

but the same thing
is happening to you.

The Equation
is corrupting you.

It wants to destroy us
and everything we love.

Probably even pizza.

So, you want me to give up
control of my powers?

The thing that's made me
feel stronger than I ever have

in my entire life?

I won't do it.

I will never stop
fighting for you.

Don't.

- Babe... Fine.
- Don't babe me, Chuck.

Huh-- Mm.

You feel that babe?

That kiss rumbled
because I threw

a little bonus emotion in it
and a little bit more tongue.

I don't think
that was the kiss, babe.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Hold on!

g*dd*mn!

How do
you feel, babe?

Like myself again.

And kinda hungover.

We did it.

Should we go check it out?

Oh.

Hell, no.

♪ Hell yeah! ♪