01x02 - Bachelor in Paradise

[bunniefuu]

- Mommy, look what I found.

Mama, look.

Let's play good guys, bad guys.

- Two more minutes, OK, baby?
- Yeah.

- You and Mommy will be
the bad guys,

and I'll be the good guys.

Hands up, or I'm gonna sh**t.

- OK.

- Hands up.

- Oh, no, hands up!

You got us.

- Hands up,
or I'm gonna sh**t.

- Hands up.

- Mommy, hands up.

I've arrested you.

Mommy, hands up, Mommy.

- No, Donna! No, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

What the f*ck you just do,
m*therf*cker?

You idiot.

f*cking idiot.

f*cking stupid.

f*ck!

sh*t!

f*ck.
Oh, sh*t.

Ah, f*ck.

g*dd*mn it.

Ah!

f*ck.

Ah, ow, ow!

f*ck, f*ck. Idiot!

f*cking f*ck.

♪ ♪

- Jenn, you can't keep
going on like this.

You gotta calm down.

- Are you kidding me?

Dad just k*lled my boyfriend!

- In self-defense.

- And you believe that?

He hated Dimitri
from the beginning.

- No, baby.
He didn't hate him.

- He hated him,
and he f*cking k*lled him!

- You gon' stop cussing
in my house.

Why are you so sweaty?

- Had to move the bodies from
the van so I can clean it.

The bodies was leaking.

- My boyfriend's body
is leaking?

- Dimitri wasn't
your boyfriend.

- He was. He was my boyfriend,
and I loved him!

- You did not love him.

- Stop saying that!

- Sweetheart, listen to me.

Dimitri only got close to you
so he can get close to me.

- That's bullshit!

- Language!

- He loved me!

- Jenn, honey, I promise.

Dimitri didn't love you.

He used you.

Look at my f*cking hand.

This is what your boyfriend
did to me.

If I didn't do what I did
to him,

he would've came after you
and your mama next.

And I wasn't gon'
let that happen.

You k*lled him.

You're nuts!

You both are.

- I want those bodies
out of my garage.

♪ ♪

- I just gave her one of
my sleeping pills,

so she should be out
for a while.

Joe, you need to tell me
what really happened here.

- I told you
what really happened.

What, you don't believe me?
Look at my hand.

- I'm trying to here, Joe,
but--

- But what?

- So our daughter's boyfriend,

the sweetest kid
that I have ever met--

- He wasn't.

- His father is head of
a Russian crime family,

and your dad, Teddy,
was his drug mule

who stole $10 million from him?

- And a Lamborghini.

- And a Lamborghini.
- Yeah.

- And so this crime boss
sends his son

all the way to Pittsburgh
just to date our daughter

just to get close to you?
- There you go.

- To see if you know where
Teddy hid the money

before he died.
Is that right?

- Yes.
Thank you.

You finally get it.

- No!

No "thank you," Joe.

Because you sound insane.

- Of course I know
it sounds insane,

but it doesn't make it
any less true.

sh*t.

It's Leon and Cathy.

Not a word of this to Cathy.

- No, not a word.

'Cause she might think we're
f*ck' nuts or something.

- Hey, Cathy.

Hi. What, uh, brings you guys
around here?

- What brings us here?

Are you f*cking kidding me,
Joe?

- What?

- OK.

You're out here
acting brand new,

like I don't know sh*t.

This m*therf*cker
brings us here!

- Ah!

What did you do?

- What did I do?

This man came into our house
to k*ll us,

so I blew his
g*dd*mn brains out.

What did I do? sh*t!

- sh*t is right.

Move the car in
the garage right now.

- You order me around

like I m*therf*cking
work for you, Joe.

This is not the day
to be f*cking--

- I'm tired of your
light-skinned sh*t right now.

- You know what?
Don't bring up no light skin.

Now, you got a problem
with light skin?

Your wife look like
Jennifer Aniston from the back!

- Keep your voice down.
I got white neighbors!

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I tarnishing your image?

- Move the m*therf*cking car!

- m*therf*cker,
I swear to God.

sh*t.

You ain't got nothing to say,
huh?

Can you see? Can you hear?

Open the garage!

♪ ♪

- What are we gonna do?

No, we call Touch.

- We can't call Touch.
- We call Touch.

- We cannot call Touch.

- He'll walk us through
what needs to happen

with the police.
- We can't call Touch!

- Why do you keep saying that?

- 'Cause he's in on it.

- In on what?

- Everything.

- The money, the dead Russians,
the Lamborghini, all of it.

- Touch is in?

- Ain't that a b*tch.

The one g*dd*mn time that
a white police officer

could be useful to us,

and they got to go and
cut the m*therf*cker in.

- Why would you do that?

- We had to.

He was gon' call it in.

- You mean to tell me that
the police could be helping us,

but you thought it best

to pack our daughter's
dead boyfriend

in the back of
your plumbing van

and bring him home to us?

- We had a plan.

- He speaks!

- He's traumatized.

- Tell me about this plan.

- It was Joe's plan.

- Joe's plan?

- n*gga.

- I'd really like to hear
Joe's plan.

So would I.

- Well, uh, we--
we were gon' drive the bodies

up to the, uh, reservoir

and then, uh, weigh 'em down
with some bricks

that we got from Leon's store.

- Oh, so you just
giving our sh*t away now?

- I thought we'd sink
the bodies and then just

try and find out where the--
where the--where the--

you know,
where the $10 million is.

- That is the dumbest idea
I have ever heard.

- b*tch,
I could not agree more.

- Thank you.

- The reservoir is where
the whole city gets

its drinking water from.

You contaminate it,
they drain it,

then they find
your little Russian friends.

Game f*cking over.

What we need to do is
chop these fools up.

- Ch-chop--chop--

chop up what?
- The Russians.

I saw it on one of
my m*rder shows.

You cut the body parts up

and then you smear
peanut butter on them.

- Peanut butter?
- Yeah.

Skippy, Jif,
whatever the f*ck we want.

Then we take the pieces
deep in the woods, right?

Bears, coyotes, they come and
scoop all the body parts up

'cause they love
the peanut butter.

You'll never see them
m*therf*ckers again.

What?

♪ ♪

- You're a bachelor now.

Bachelor in all the heavens.

♪ ♪

- We are not
chopping anybody up

because I'm calling the FBI.

- I wouldn't do that.

- Watch me.

- Ange, don't.

- Why?
- Why?

Because I k*lled two men
in my father's office.

That's why. And--

- And I shot a m*therf*cker
in the head.

- And that part.

We went too far.

- Joe, listen to me.

This is not who we are.

This is not our life.

We are not people who sh**t
other people in the head

and then chop up their bodies

and smear f*cking peanut butter
on them!

I'm sorry. No.

Uh-uh.

- You know he's gonna
get arrested, right?

- It's self-defense, Cathy.

And even so,
I will get him out.

- OK, yeah.
Go ahead. Call the FBI.

They're usually pretty cool
about Black men

who admit to
k*lling white people.

I'll step back for a minute,

but you got to tell me

how we gon' get out of this.

- We get rid of the bodies
and then look for the money.

- That's right.

- Look, with $10 million

we can make some moves.

- Moves?

We could pay off the house.
- Mm-hmm.

- Pay off Jenn's tuition.

We can get you
the doctors you need.

- Specialists.
- Specialists!

You could finally
be healthy for once.

- In worst case scenario,
if we find the money--

I cannot believe
I'm saying this,

but we can always give
the money back to the Russians,

if that's what it'll take
to make them go away.

- You would do that?

- I would do that.

- And if anything goes wrong?

- That it's over. It's done.
It's done. It's over.

- And Jenn's safety?

- On my life, ain't nothing
gonna happen to Jenn.

Ain't nothing--nothing's
gonna happen to Jenn.

OK?

- Well, I--
- Yes!

- No.

- Did you say something?

- I said, no,
I don't think we should do it.

- OK, y'all, don't listen to
his bullshit, all right?

He clearly got that PTSD still.

- No. No, Cat.

What Angela said is right.

We, um--

we are not these people.

Our lives are not perfect,

but we're doing OK.

Right?

The store is not doing great.

But we can turn that around.

Baby,
as long as we have each other,

we have everything.

- Oh, baby.

It's not f*cking true.

I hate the life we have.

Do you want to know
what I do every day?

I sit in that f*cking
hardware store,

and I try to come up with
reasons not to k*ll myself.

And I'm out of f*cking reasons.

If there's
$10 million out there,

we're looking for it.
End of g*dd*mn story.

- You people are insane.

Are you listening
to yourselves?

Yeah, you guys are talking
about looking for money.

Are you kidding me?

We are calling the police,

and we're calling the police
right now.

- Sweetheart,
we can't call the police.

- Don't call me
your sweetheart.

I'm not your sweetheart
anymore.

- Don't do that.

- No, no, no.
Stay away from me.

- Jenn, please.
- You're in on it!

- Everyone shut up the f*ck!

sh*t!

- My friend in back
of station wagon in garage,

who kills this man?

- Me.

♪ ♪

I k*lled your friend.

- Wait!
- Leon, baby!

Oh, God.

- And don't worry.

Your friends will
join you soon.

- Where in the f*ck
have you been?

♪ ♪

- Well, f*ck.

Peanut butter?

- Yep.

Animals love this sh*t.

- Well, it's gruesome as f*ck,
but it'll work.

- Hmm.

- And Joe's good with this?
- Mm.

I wouldn't say good with it,
but he's on board.

- All right.

- So you ever gonna tell us
what happened last night?

How your face got
all f*cked up?

- Yeah, I, um, got called in
last night.

There was an officer down.

Big crowd.
Somebody threw a brick.

It was a real sh*t show.

- Bullshit!

You smell like
a g*dd*mn distillery.

You passed the f*ck out,
face first.

- Jesus, Touch.

All you had to do was watch
the van and watch the van.

- We got two f*cking
dead bodies, OK?

I needed a f*cking drink.
Can we move on here?

- You couldn't go one
f*cking night without

getting falling over drunk?

If we're gonna
pull this sh*t off,

you gotta get your head
in the game.

- You worry about you, Cathy.

- Just put Baryshnikov
in the back of the van.

He'll be out for a while.

- His name is Baryshnikov?

- I don't f*cking know
what his name is.

- You know, I always wanted to
be a dancer, you know.

I just didn't have the feet
for it.

- Did you tell Touch about
the plan?

- PB and chainsaws? Yeah.

- It's gonna be nasty.

- I'm aware of that.

Here's what we gon' do.

Cathy, I need you to go set up

the basement in
the hardware store.

We gon' need plastic tarps,
garbage bags,

whatever you can
get your hands on, OK?

- Got it.

- Leon, we're gonna need
peanut butter,

a lot of it.

Watch out for cameras,
and buy from

as many different stores
as possible, OK?

Then I'll meet you at
the store later on, OK?

Touch, I need for you
to follow him.

Help him unload you-know-who.
- Mm-hmm.

- And then I'll come around
later with Baryshnikov,

whatever the f*ck
you call his name.

All right?
- OK.

You heard the man.

♪ ♪

- Don't you ever
step in front of me

when a m*therf*cker like that
asks who k*lled his friend.

♪ ♪

Drive.

♪ ♪

Put Dimitri with
the other two guys in the back.

♪ ♪

- Do you need anything else?

- No, I got it.

- Are we really doing this?

- Yeah.

We doing this.

- Got some cameras?

There's no cameras,
no cameras, no cameras.

Finally.

Uh, hey, excuse me.
Do you guys sell peanut butter?

- We do. It's kind of
what we're known for,

that and cashew butter.

I make it myself.

- Cool, cool.

Can I have some?

- Oh, we're kind of closed
for the night.

- Oh, come on, come on.

Uh, what's your name?

- Apple.

- Of course it is.

This is super important, Apple.

Can you help me out,
brother to--

I want to say brother?

- Of course.
Of course I'll help you.

- Thank you.
- Right this way.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

- Where you been?

- Every store in this
m*therf*cking city has cameras.

Jesus Christ.

This is--

this is really happening, huh?

- You up for this?

- I mean, I guess so.

- I said...

Are you up for this?

- Yeah.

I'm definitely...f*cking up.

f*ck me, daddy.

- b*tch, I own you.

- Take it all.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, sh*t. God--

- Were y'all about to f*ck?

- Yep, uh--

I'ma go, uh, on lookout.

- Lookout, lookout.

- I'm about to bring them in.

Chop up some bodies.

Yeah, can we get
our f*ck on real quick?

Nasty m*therf*ckers.

- Seriously?

Is that what you got him
strapped to?

- Yeah.

f*ck's heavy.

You got a better idea,
Mr. f*cking Wizard?

- Well, yeah. The cart was only
meant to carry 150 pound load.

- You're a 150 pound load.

What is this?

You're going to chop me
and my friend up?

This is for scare.

You don't have the yaytsa.
- Hmm.

- We're not chopping up
your f*cking friend.

You are.

That is very funny.

Just tell me where Dimitri is,

and I will k*ll you all
quickly.

Very little of the pain.

- Talk to me about my father.

How long did he work for
your boss?

- Give me the boy.

- You can have that
little m*therf*cker.

Answer the question.

- Ah, your father.

Teddy? Was this his name?

- That's right.

- OK, Teddy, Teddy.

Teddy was a...

p*ssy.

f*cking mudak.

- Hey, Joe. OK. Joe.

- ♪ Should have
just stayed home ♪

♪ Should have never let you ♪

- ♪ Never let you leave ♪

♪ Such a lover girl ♪

♪ I fall too quick
with my heart open ♪

♪ It shatters again ♪

- How you feeling?

- Confused.

Stupid.

Angry, sad.

- Me too.

- Daddy had to do
what he had to do, right?

- You know your father.

- No, I thought I did, but--
- You do.

And it's like he said.

If he hadn't gotten
out of there alive,

then Dimitri or somebody else

would've come after you
or me next.

- Dimitri would have
never hurt me.

Dimitri was
the love of my life.

- The love of your life, baby?

It was five months.

- No, it was only five months,
but it was real.

- Jenn, I know you felt like--
- It was real!

And Daddy didn't have to--
- He did.

He did, baby.

He wasn't gonna take
that chance.

He wasn't gonna
let that happen.

I know. Come here, come here.

Come here.

- What's gonna happen
to Dimitri, Mom?

To his body?

- Your father's gonna bury him.

Somewhere nice and quiet.

- We're not f*cking around,
man!

- Yeah, m*therf*cker!

- OK! I will do it.

- You do it!
- I do it.

- b*tch!

- Touch!
- sh*t.

- sh**t him, Touch.

sh**t him in
the f*cking head, Touch.

- He won't do this.
- Ah.

- You will bring me the boy.

You will bring me Dimitri.

And then he and I will
leave this place.

- You put that
f*cking g*n down.

We'll bring you Dimitri.

- I will f*cking do it!

You want Dimitri?

He wants Dimitri.

Lee, go get him.

- Nothing funny.

- Nah, nothing funny.

Lee, go get Dimitri.

♪ ♪

That's what you want, right?

♪ ♪

There you go.

♪ ♪

- No.

No, no, no, no, no.

You k*lled the boy?
- Hey.

- You k*lled the boy?

You are dead!
- Oh, hey!

f*cking take it easy.
- All of you!

- Take it easy.

I am dead too.

- What the f*ck is happening?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Um, I don't know.

Hey.

Hey!

When you said you're dead too,

what did you mean?

- Yes, all of us.

You know what is
"Vorovskoy Zakon"?

- Yeah, that's "thieves code"
in Russian.

I thought that was
just all bullshit.

- It's real sh*t.

If you accept
Vorovskoy Zakon,

there are strict rules
you must follow.

You can never have family

because family can be used
against you by enemies.

Dimitri's father made exception
for me.

I have wife and daughter.

With Dimitri's death,

I have broken my vow
to protect him.

My family's life will be taken
as punishment.

Unless...

You know what is
samoubiystvo?

- Oh, sh*t.

- What?

- He has to f*cking
k*ll himself.

- In public.

I must wear my shame.

If I do this,
my family will not be harmed.

If I do not,
they will die like me.

- He's bullshitting, Joe.
He's--he's f*cking with us.

- Why then did I put down g*n?

sh*t.

f*ck!

- Hey, hey. English.

- We must speak English.
- Why English?

Tell me what is wrong.
What is happening?

- I am, uh--

I am call to say goodbye.

No.

- It is what has to be.
We talked of this.

- You can run.
We can find you.

- No. No, no, no.
No run.

It's OK. You and Yulia will
be provided for.

Can--can I see my Yulia?

- Always.

♪ ♪

- So you think we should
just cut him in half?

- What?
- I--

I said do you think
we should just

cut him in half to start or--

- f*ck, Touch. I don't know.

Why don't you just
think of him as, like,

a tree or some sh*t.
- A tree?

- Yeah, you know, just start by
cutting off the limbs,

and then deal with the trunk.

You know, if coyotes and sh*t

are gonna be running off
the parts,

they gotta be small.
- Yeah, yeah.

That's a good point.

Hey, look at you,
Mr. Smarty Pants.

OK, so here's the deal.

How's about we cut off
the legs first.

I give them to you.

You could break them down
from there.

You remove the calf and
the feet and whatnot.

And then we do the arms.

You take the hands, the elbows,
that kind of sh*t.

And then I guess we leave
the head for last.

- Sure.

Yeah, let's--let's do that.

- All right.

Oh, wait a minute.
You gotta get him naked.

- Why?

- Because we're putting
peanut butter on the body.

We cannot do that
with the clothes on.

So take his clothes
f*cking off.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why do I have to be

the one that strips him down,
all right?

I got the chainsaw.
I did my part.

- Seriously,
take off his pants.

- You could have just asked.

I didn't--
- All right.

♪ ♪

Hey, why don't you come around
and grab the--

- Your father, Teddy,

he was a good man.

- Was my father's death
an accident or...

or did you or did
somebody k*ll him?

- It was accident.

If not, I would know.

♪ ♪

My name is Molotov Borovkov

son of Oxana and Alexi,

husband to Polina,

father to--

♪ ♪

Father to Yulia.

My word is my honor!

Run!

- My word is my honor!

- Lee, you all right?

- You OK?

- Sorry, Joe. I just--

I couldn't do it.

- What?

You're gonna be all right.

Buddy.

- It's OK, man. It's OK, Lee.

It's OK, buddy. It's all right.

It's all right, man.

- It's all right, man.

It's all right. It's all right.

We're gon' be all right.

♪ ♪

- ♪ What you find, ah ♪

♪ What you feel, ah ♪

- Make sure to spread
the peanut butter all over.

- Yeah.

- ♪ What you know, ah ♪

♪ To be real ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What you find, ah ♪

- ♪ I think I love you, baby ♪

- ♪ What you feel, ah ♪

- ♪ I feel I need you, baby ♪

- ♪ What you know, ah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, to be real ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Your love's for real now ♪

- ♪ What you think, ah ♪

- ♪ I think I love you, baby ♪

- ♪ What you feel, ah ♪

- ♪ I feel I need you, baby ♪

- ♪ What you know, ah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, to be real ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Your love's for real now ♪

♪ You know that
your love is my love ♪

♪ And my love is your love ♪

♪ Our love is here to
stay-yay-yay-yay ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ ♪

- Gross.

- Huh.

That sh*t works.

I have a f*cking g*n!

Come on, you m*therf*ckers,
if you want some!

f*ck this.

What in the f*ck, Touch? Jesus!

- You scared the sh*t
out of us.

Get in here.

- Can we go, please?

- Did you get rid of
everything?

- Yeah, yeah.
They're real deep, OK?

Animals came. Bodies are gone.

Now can we please
get the f*ck out of here?

- What's that sh*t
all over your face?

- It's peanut butter.
I fell. f*ck you.

- Can we drive?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You were right.

We're not those kind of people.

I love you.

We're done.

It's over.

On the beach with me, b*tch.

- Damn.

Let's go!

This is a big hill, dude.

This is a big hill.

- Holy f*cking sh*t.

- Oh, that's a--

that's a f*cking head, bro.

- Bro!

- Bro.

♪ ♪

- ♪ What'd I do? ♪

♪ Have I lost this time? ♪

♪ Yeah, what did I do? ♪

♪ Have I lost my mind? ♪

♪ Yeah, what did I do,
do, do, do, do, do, do? ♪

♪ What did I do, do, do,
do, do, do, do, do? ♪

♪ Yeah, how about you? ♪

♪ Did I pay this time? ♪

♪ How do I know? ♪

♪ Was I late this time? ♪

♪ Yeah, what did I do? ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪