02x02 - The Rejuvication

[bunniefuu]

Couch. Lap. Play.

You want to play?

You want to play on my lap?

Or the couch?

Eat. Car. Car.

Now you're just

[bleep]ing with me.

Girl's trip!

Gentle.

Morning energy, please.

I've been up since 3:30 a.m.

I've already had dinner.

Y'know how we've always

fantasized about touring

the regional offices in the

lower northeastern region?

- No.

- Poison groundwater?

Interspecial dating?

'70s architecture?

- Hard pass.

- Mere.

It's just two best friends

hitting the road,

eating snacks, harmonizing

to songs from my aughts mix.

And best of all,

you don't have a choice

- because I'm your boss, technically.

- Technically.

Car's packed and ready to go!

Oh, good, printed directions.

Where the hell's Buttzville?

- It's where we make The Lady Pump.

- The what?

From the Little Miss Sebben

personal protection line.

It's

a pink shotgun for the gal

who wants to look chic

downing a grouse.

- They'll let us rack a couple, you know.

- Fine. I'm in.

Why didn't you lead

with the g*ns?

- You said it was urgent?

- Yep. We're going to Buttzville.

Wow, pegging really

has gone mainstream.

What's pegging?

Oh. The town.

Rack a couple for me.

Ugh, it's south of Assburg?

I'm back out.

Come on, we never spend any

time where it's just us girls.

Charlie, as much I'd love

a contralto in the car,

I'm gonna need you to hold

down the fort while we're gone.

I now pronounce you interim

CEO of Sebben & Sebben.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait.

Okay, I know where

this thing's been.

Buttzville.

- Hey!

- ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Who's the girl

that saves the world? ♪

- Hey!

- ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

Birdgirl!

Mmm.

Girl's trip?

I told you these outfits

made sense.

Gillian, can you give Birdcat

his shots while I'm away?

It would be my great honor.

You and you

co and dependent.

One shot every 25 minutes.

He will resist.

But if he's a good boy,

you can give him his spankys.

We could always

just put her down.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

I hear you,

but you can't run this.

She's all chin.

Gillian, text Judy's new

headshot to "The Times."

Ow!

What new headshot?

Ow!

Oh.

Oh, my God.

It's time.

- Gillian, come in here, please.

- Ow! Can it wait?!

I've got the Leadership Stick.

Yes? Aah!

- Oh

- You'll need this.

What the [bleep] is that?!

Aah!

Gillian.

Computer. Watch.

Sugar. Blood.

High. High.

Judy, thank you

for shepherding me

through my Rejuvication process.

And special thanks for not

pawning the whole thing off

on that dipshit, Gillian.

- Hi, Gillian.

- Hello.

Every 19 years for the past

thousand or so,

I, like the versions of

me before me, shed my old

skin and emerge a more

evolved version of myself.

It keeps me at the top

of my game

and staves off any fine lines.

You said it was exfoliants

and river hooch. Over.

Don't make me come out there.

During stage one, it's vital

to keep my sack damp.

Using the provided a*s bag,

simply hose my sack

every eight minutes

and keep the walkie charged.

Khaire!

If feces be the food of love,

play on.

You got O'Brien.

I told you never to call me here.

Okay, well, maybe I forgot to.

I understand.

Thank you.

And never call me here.

Boys?

Meet me in the Nest.

My source in the parking deck

tells me the power three

have left the building.

And it's our time to implement

some experimental ideas

that the man Judy

says are too hot for prime time.

So who's down for blowing

the roof off Sebben & Sebben?

Question:

Did you mean to invite me?

Because sometimes people think

they're texting Paul R.

And they're disappointed.

- I just needed a third set of ba*ls.

- Uh-huh.

By "set" do you mean

"a pair" because

So, every day, some Tom,

d*ck, or Harriet makes

a dumb-a*s comment or unwanted

advance, word gets out,

and they get cancelled,

we get sued,

- and someone has to clean up the mess.

- Please, charge that.

That's why I've perfected

a new technology.

Ahem.

That's why mostly Evie

perfected a new technology.

We track employee's online

footprint to predict

inappropriate behavior

seconds before it happens.

Like, in six seconds,

Paul will post

that he invented Taco Tuesday.

Now we can stop cancellations

by precanceling the offender.

And ethics are in the gray area,

right where they belong.

FYI, anyone asks questions,

and I will drop a dime

on all of you so fast

it'll make your nuts drop.

Well, one of 'em.

Is she going to be here

the whole time?

'Cause according to my book

of Guy Rules, no ladies allowed!

It is literally ill*gal to say that.

Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Get out of my room, Tiffany,

or I'm gonna tell mom!

Gotta go anyway.

Ballet recital,

in case anyone cares.

Yeah, that won't be happening.

So, are there risks involved?

Yes.

Is it worth it?

No.

Are we going to have some fun?

Abso-[bleep]in'-lutely.

I've always struggled connecting

with men until now.

Look at us!

The trinity!

Thought I invited Paul R.

Here's the bean dip.

Precanceling

looks a lot like kidnapping

because it is.

Precancel alert:

Brad from BizDev is about

to initiate a "lean and creep."

Bag 'em and drag 'em.

Oh, hey, Sarah, look for

an NDA in your inbox,

and I would sign it if I were you.

Go for Miles from Accounting.

Impending African-American

Vernacular English.

Watching

"Neighborhood Watch." ♪

Boost Mobile on the plug,

what you need, I got ♪

A blaccent, Miles?

- Really?! A blaccent?!

- Argh!

Go for Sandra from

Consumer Affairs.

Imminent harassment.

Hey, Mike, think I can fit

this whole thing in my

Ohh!

In God's name, tell me you were

gonna say "mouth," Sandra.

- Ohh!

- HR nightmare averted.

- An HR nightmare averted.

- Go for Rudy from Sales for

Oh, boy.

TGIF, mon!

Me! Us!

Boys! ba*ls!

Bruh, we got to make

sure we're always on

each other's teams, right, like forever.

Whoa!

Hello! Hello!

Another young lady sliding

in my DMs.

That's a spam text, Paul.

I'm just trying to find

a persona that fits.

Brad!

Can't breathe!

Birdcat.

Codfish.

Florentine-style.

Feeling

a little dry in here.

Aah! Ooh!

5, 4, 3, 2

Ahh.

Ah, bubala, buttercup, you've

completed the wetting process.

Oh, thank Jesus.

Time to start phase two.

Please tell me you eat me.

Unfortunately, no.

But we are gonna need a car.

- Hey, Gill. Happy hour?

- I wish.

Unfortunately, though, I got

to get this rug to the cleaners.

- I diarrhea'd on it.

- Fun! Next time!

You can do this.

It's just physics.

Argh, [bleep]!

What's going on out there?

22 pounds of heroin was seized along with

Well, well, well.

The day has come.

Remember when I sent out

an all-staff

saying anyone

could borrow my truck?

Every single person replied.

Except you.

But I knew one day

you'd come a-beggin'.

And you're right.

I was wrong to not reply

to your completely

inappropriate all-staff.

No, you were wrong to think

I would forgive you.

Not so fast!

Where my truck goes, I go.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Aah!

911?

What's your emergency?

It's Jessica.

From Accounting, yes.

I'd like to report a stolen truck.

And I happen to know

there's a brick of skag

in the rocker panel.

From accounting, yes.

You've always scared

the sh*t out of me,

but I'm sleep-deprived

and I've had a medium

Diet Dr. Pepper so I'm

feeling a little [bleep]-it.

What's going on?!

Let's just say I come

from a highly evolved race,

a race of one.

I don't even know how I got

this way, I just am.

Where are we?

Um, if Jeffrey Dahmer

were a farmer

We're here!

Annabel! ChiChi!

You're late!

Where'd you find this one?

Am I dumb?

Oh, my God!

That pig is adorable.

I love animals!

Speaking of which,

meet my son, CJ!

He was but a wisp the last time

you saw him, eh, Charlie?

She must be molting.

We've got elev

twelve pieces of chicken,

so everyone can have four.

Four pieces of chicken.

Stop trying to force

chicken down our throats.

Nobody likes your rub!

- You don't like my rub!

- We'll order Thai.

Gillian

- I've got this!

- No, I've got this!

- 5, 4, 3, 2

- I'm her assistant!

I'm her attendant!

They both gasp.

A moment shared between

a woman and a man.

We'll both do it.

So you know,

I don't work well with others.

There've been a few HR complaints.

- Those your guncles?

- All will be revealed in time.

Mind the clypeal sheath!

Welcome to the Cancel Cabin!

This is bullshit!

We prevented each of you

from being cancelled.

You'll still be able

to Google yourself

and go to a kids' talent show.

You're welcome.

Some of you

will pump Sebben & Sebben stock,

others will dump it.

Paychecks can be cashed there.

We will issue a debit card

connected to your paycheck.

Your card can be used

at the company store

where everything costs $14.

Is it supposed to be this

c-c-cold in here?

Those are $14. Officer?

Yes, yes it's supposed to be

this cold because this is work!

My job is to make sure

things run smoothly.

And her job is to tune

up troublemakers.

Oh, my God, guys,

I am loving this persona!

Whoa. An original 19th

century hatching room.

They don't make 'em

like this anymore.

I do a lot of reading

on birthing techniques.

That's how I know

it's pronounced birthing.

Whoa!

Well, looks like stage

one's complete,

so if you don't need me anymore,

I'm gonna call it.

This part of the process

could take days.

I could use another steady

pair of hands and

- sturdy calves.

- I do wide squats three days a week.

Please stay. For her.

- For me.

- Do you have a points program?

I'll have CJ make up the guest

room where we keep the dolls.

What's that?

That's our office building.

- Where's the rest of it?

- And what's that?

That's Cade.

He works in receiving.

Where's the rest of it?

I'm being sexual.

Mere, take a pic of me

in front of it.

I've never seen a one-story

building!

- Guys, I've got something to show you.

- His teste?

What do you give the men

who have everything?

Well, their very own 77-foot

man bus!

I got a hook-up in

the recreational vehicle space.

That margarita machine

ain't foolin' around.

- How'd you pay for this?

- Easy. He gave me an 18.5%

96 month loan

which I collateralized

against the stack

we're gonna make out there.

It's all funny money,

right, bros?

[Bleep] you,

the man-slash-Judy!

That's our money, Paul.

Wait

is that an entire wall of Big Macs?

You must be wondering

what my part is in all this.

I was more wondering why there's

a goat on the table, but sure.

I come from a centuries-old line

of attendants

who've ushered Miss Charlie

through her rebirth.

And when I'm gone,

CJ will take my place.

If, and when, he stops

forcing chicken on people!

You don't like my rub!

Sure, I had other dreams,

but the enema bag,

- she's a stern mistress.

- Oh, Charles, I understand.

Because, I, too, was born with

my destiny already forewritten.

The Sans pinky.

Everyone in my family has it.

It's a genetic gift that

makes us superior assistants.

It allows me full keyboard

access with one hand.

It's my gift.

And my burden.

The winner takes it all ♪

The loser's standing small ♪

Beside the victory ♪

That's her destiny ♪

Bam! A crisp $50

to today's top closer,

and it ain't gonna be Hugh

the way he's [bleep]ing going!

Given that we've only been here

45 minutes,

I'm not sure it's fair

to judge me.

Please, I beg you,

a little heat.

I've lost feeling

below the waist.

Aw, happy holidays.

Thanks for supporting

my vision, fellas.

This never would've happened

with Judy Ken Bottomline.

Bottomline.

Classic.

I tell ya, when I was four,

mother had one of her spells

and took to her bed

for three years,

making me the lady of the house.

Listen, maybe we us,

are about more than

just ripping farts.

When's the last time

you were vulnerable?

What do you wish you said

to your Gran Gran

before she passed?

Nana?

Please, no.

Please, no.

I've got a family of pugs

at home.

I brought stuff for s'mores!

Well, I forgot marshmallows

and chocolate.

It's been lovely having you here.

We're used to rattling

around the manse by ourselves.

Just out of curiosity,

where's CJ's mother?

He doesn't have one.

I grew him in the hatching room.

The winner takes it all ♪

Takes it all ♪

The loser has to fall ♪

Has to fall ♪

It's simple and it's plain ♪

Yes, it's plain ♪

Why should I complain? ♪

Why complain? ♪

You pushed it too far, Paul.

You broke the only rule

you tried to make us feel.

I started to feel something

and I never feel something!

- I'm so pissed at you, bro!

- Uh, what do we do with him?

How about we just leave

his body in the woods

and then wolves will come

and finish the work for us.

I like the way this is going.

No body, no crime.

I'd like to strenuously object

to the manner

in which we have

been detained in this cabin.

Let us handle this, Frenchie,

we're going to get our $14 worth.

Because it's us, I'm gonna

assume there's no fire exit.

Yep!

Now we'll be together forever.

Oh, God.

If we ever shared divine love,

you must protect me

and my pinkie at all costs.

- Did you hear that?

- Probably a chicken.

Ah, your lips.

What was that?

Probably CJ or a chicken.

Just go back

to what you were doing.

Oh, dear God,

what have we done?

Get me the [bleep]

out of here!

You had one job and now

my Rejuvication is blown!

And you released my skin sack

before we had a chance to fuse.

By the way,

I could hear everything.

Charles, you talk way too

much when you're [bleep]ing.

- And you're fired.

- But my blood oath!

Like my father

and his father before him.

- That thing can drive?

- That thing is 10% of me,

so it can do anything it

damn well sets its mind to.

Put those in milk.

You got Diane here.

- Judy?

- Diane!

Regular old line worker Diane.

Hey, uh, we've run into

a little problem

and I think you guys might

want to get back here.

My name's also Diane

but with a hard E.

Dian-ee.

Gillian.

Gillianianiana.

You have got to get

your flat a*s out here.

So, Charlie has this little

thing she does every 19

The Rejuvication!

What year is this?!

- 1991!

- Since you're clearly up to speed

- the skin sack's escaped.

- Oh. My. God.

Birdsteam?

- No.

- Go!

Oh, God.

I didn't know how much

I needed fellowship,

but now I can't live without it.

You'll never be one of us,

but you're all right.

He's not all right!

He swallowed the keys,

and we're all gonna die!

- What's this?

- A secret exit.

This wasn't worth mentioning?!

Then it wouldn't be secret,

would it, Marty?

It's Hugh, Brian.

I was your best man.

Stop!

- It's close.

- She can sense it.

No, Gillian, I have a nose.

It smells like pork rinds

and gooch.

- Scarlie?

- Aah!

- Scarlie, no!

- Help me!

- No!

- It's too late.

- Bad Scarlie.

- He's gone.

- Help me!

- Scarlie!

Nothing to do now but watch.

There are so many things

besides watch that you could do!

- He's with the chickens now.

- A little help?

Any kind of disinfectant!

Two-day road trip

with the bros!

I'll get my clothes back on.

Hey, kid,

make yourself useful

and give me a piggyback.

Scarlie, don't run!

Scarlie.

We're not going to hurt you.

Come here, pretty girl.

Yeah, Mamma's got you.

Come on.

Come on.

There you go.

Birdcat, bad!

Two Charlies,

can't tell who's who.

Are you [bleep]ing kidding me?

You're such a lightweight.

That's obviously Charlie.

Take the shot!

- I've got this!

- No, I've got this.

I'm her attendant!

Charles!

My love!

I always have so much anxiety

with driving,

but this is like driving

with mama.

Aah!

I can't believe I'm going to have

to wait another 19 years to rebirth.

Looks like someone

needs a piggyback.

- Moment's passed, Cade.

- Bye.

Gillian! Ohh!

Where is she?

A gift.

For your pretzel hands.

- So people won't stare.

- Stay with me.

Think of what we could do in

19 years.

No. I shan't.

We've both sworn fealty

to a higher power.

Plus, you'll be like 80?

- Gillian!

- It's life calling.

- I'll see you in 19 years.

- Yes.

Unless, like, I'm married,

then it probably

wouldn't be appropriate.

Gillian!

I've got a hangover.

♪ Who is the girl

that saves the world? ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

Hey!

Birdgirl!