01x05 - Topple the Popple

[bunniefuu]

Pleasure doing business

with you.

Oh, nice cat.

- She is not my cat.

- Oh!

She's mine, and she's a boy.

Who are you?

I'm Birdgirl.

Ugh.

Sort of in the middle

of something.

Is it more important

than the all-staff

you're not at?

- Say hi to Judy, everyone.

- Hi, Judy.

Give me 10 minutes.

I got to bolt,

so I'll take the flash drive

and the money,

and in exchange,

I promise not to hurt you.

Oops, forgot about me.

She didn't.

I'm joking!

Birdgirl!

Get her off me!

♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Who is the girl

that saves the world? ♪♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Birdgirl!

Which is why

a lot of people have told me

I should be a slam poet.

Birdgirl!

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Speaking of which,

I know it feels like

time has passed us by here

at Sebben & Sebben,

but it hasn't.

We've just been waiting for

our time to launch our company

into the future

with the Internet!

How's this affect

the sandwich board teams?

Let's meet in my office

to discuss.

To show the world we're ethical,

progressive,

that we're turning things

around.

And our first uh

I'd like to announce that

we're redesigning

the Topple Popple can.

- Wow.

- I mean, look at it.

It's as wide as it is tall.

It's not a can. It's a

Oh, my God, you're right.

It is.

Let's all applaud Judy

for making bold suggestions!

You're here to announce

that e-mail thing.

Oh, right. Our first step

in modernizing the company,

I give you

It's mail time!

Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪

Ugh. You can turn

that off, right?

- Mm.

- You can turn that off.

Yeah!

It's mail time!

- My first e-mail.

- Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪

Whoops! You got phished.

Now proceed with

this three-minute

Internet security training video.

Now that we have a website, we

need to choose a photo of you.

That's right.

People will say,

"I wonder who leads this company."

- And they'll click "leadership"

- Expecting to see a man.

But they won't see a man.

They'll see "hands clasped,

slightly off desk, strong,

powerful" CEO

or "hands resting on desk" CEO.

They're just like us.

Are those the only choices?

I look gross.

"Hands off desk."

It says, "Yes, a woman

runs this company,

but there's no reason to panic.

- She's got this."

- Hands clasped.

She's aware

how everyone expects her

to fail, wants her to fail.

But guess what?

She's not gonna fail.

Because she can't and

will communicate all that.

- In a picture.

- Guys, I really want to change

the Topple Popple can.

- You're the CEO. Do it.

- Really?

- Well, after you-run it past the board.

- Oh.

Ow!

Come on, come on!

Aah!

Oh, Father of Light,

it's just a dream.

Ow!

Come on, come on!

Oh, Father of Light,

it's just a dream.

But something still feels off.

It's back!

- So, turning our focus to Asia

- Cut the sh*t Judy.

What aren't you telling us?

Everything

I'm telling you.

When you lie,

your forehead swells.

That's why I always

taught you at canasta.

Oh, my God.

I look like an empanada.

What's that in the folder?

What, this?

This is bullshit!

Your dad designed that can

on a c*ck napkin.

People travel thousands of miles

to have sex with their sig-o's

next to that statue downstairs.

Look, I'm not saying

They do?

Have you discussed this

with Carlo?

As Topple brand manager,

I think he'd like

to have a say in this.

This isn't the end.

It's a beginning.

The beefy-handed can still enjoy

a cold Topple Popple,

and now so can everyone else.

When I first started here,

your father made a project

of me me,

a dog from down there.

Who was I to walk among giants?

But your dad saw something.

Know what he told me, Judy?

"Don't touch the can.

Never touch the can,

not even to drink from it."

Maybe it was

because I was a dog.

I've made up my mind. In fact,

- I just approved the new design.

- Bullshit!

You want to do this?

Go ahead.

Call the factory.

Call the factory

your father built

to make one thing

the Topple Popple can

and tell him

you want to change it.

Charlie, what is all this?

Quick on-camera thing,

all softball.

Focus on the future.

We're here with Judy Ken Sebben,

CEO of Sebben & Sebben

and the custodian of beloved

soda pop Topple Popple

until today, when she,

a female CEO, k*lled it.

No! The product's

not going anywhere.

It's just being repackaged.

We're making the cans slimmer.

Why would you do that?

- So people can pick it up.

- Women people, right?

But only the manliest drinkers

can handle Topple.

Pop me another Popple,

Farmer Phil.

People love the can.

I mean, why are you

destroying that?

Uh, Sebben & Sebben

will always honor its past.

Aah!

Sebben &

Sebben will always honor its past.

Paul, when I saw you

on the appointment list,

I was a little surprised.

I haven't seen you

since you were 9?

It's been a while, hasn't it?

So, what brings you in today?

Well, I need a d*ck check

from someone who's been there.

It's a miracle, Dr. Sheila.

My foreskin's back!

That's impossible.

I snipped you mysel

Oh!

It's beautiful.

I know. But in a way,

it does make emotional sense.

Foreskins are highly sensitive,

and I'm a person who's always

deeply felt things,

and not just in my p*nis.

This company's been asleep

at the wheel,

and now we're finally

doing something.

What's next?

Let's burn some sh*t down.

I should take off my bra.

This stuff is really good.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Gillian, you've been

a big ally in this,

and there haven't been

a lot of allies.

I've been an ally. I've had your

[bleep] back through this.

Which is why I'm putting you

both in charge

of, uh, the rebrand.

Ooh, my head.

This stuff is rat poison.

I'm sorry.

Teaming us up?

We'll do a ton of premiums.

Um, and I have a TikTok content

strategy locked and loaded.

Ugh!

We got another one.

- Another one?

- It's been happening all morning.

The last one was dressed

like an actual can.

We got a vintage Topple tee.

I warned you, anytime you

[bleep] with a classic product,

there's gonna be some blowback.

You didn't warn me.

Well, I should have.

Don't be alarmed, Paul.

I know this is a lot to process.

Talking foreskin?

Oh, not really.

What's your name?

- It's Graham.

- Oh, pleasure.

Uh, there's a good chance

you're k*lling Dr. Sheila.

She's fine.

I just knocked her out

so we can have

a man-to-skin conversation.

Oh, that makes sense.

Question why me, Graham?

Why here? Why me,

why here, why now?

I belong to an ancient people

of sensitivity and feeling

who once thundered

by the millions

across the plains

of what you call North America.

But when, through a spyglass,

we spotted strange ships

on the horizon,

we sensed danger.

We knew these men

would prioritize inhibitions

over the mystical range

of full feeling.

- Well, I sure don't.

- Which is why I'm here.

I'm super active in

the genital-autonomy movement.

We meet at the church Thursdays.

I have a few bear claws,

me and a few other intactivists.

Oh, Paul sweet,

sweet, sensitive Paul.

You're just like your father.

You knew my dad?

Oh!

That thing attacked me!

Security!

Aim for the d*ck!

No, wait!

No, wait, please stop!

Graham! Graham, wait!

Foreskin Gra-a-a-a-aham!

It's mail time!

- My second e-mail.

- Ah-ba-dum-bum-bum ♪

Ba-ba-dum ♪

Firewall breach!

DDoS!

We have your information

Judy's information.

Contact you at 2:00,

Topple Nation.

Ooh!

Topple Popple.

A new day is here

where women and children

and the terminally ill

can finally raise a cold one

and join the Topple team.

Plus, apparently,

we have a tag line

that I may or may not

have heard.

Get your hand around it.

- Hadn't heard that.

- I kind of like it.

"Get your hand around it."

Who wants to see

the new T-shirt design?

We have to assume they've seen

everything, know everything.

- Evie, what's the plan?

- How should I know?

You're 10, g*dd*mn' it.

You know this stuff.

So, I cruised the Topple boards,

and I organized

all the online hate comments

about Judy into categories.

There's "weird,"

"weird-violent,"

"weird-sexual,"

angry-weird,"

"angry-sexual," and "funny."

My assessment is that Judy needs

to get the [bleep] out of Dodge.

Where you ask?

To my safe house

for people

who've been canceled online.

- Please charge that.

- Remember the r*cist grandpa

who pushed the 7-year-old

off the pony?

No, you don't, because

- he's in my safe house.

- Help!

Your cot's waiting for you.

It's 2:00.

This is Judy.

This is Topple Nation.

He's got cancer.

What do you want?

One, publicly admit

you made a horrible mistake

- in changing-the Topple can.

- No, I won't.

Two, admit that you are

unqualified to lead the company

- your father built from nothing.

- No, I won't.

Three, apologize

for being a dumb b*tch.

Nobody says that to my Judy!

I'm not apologizing,

and I'm not changing the can.

We hoped you'd say that.

We just published your

phone number online.

Judy, this is ba*ls of Gordo

and ba*ls on Power 101.

Permission to speak on air.

Release whatever you want.

Mer, Gillian,

continue the Topple launch.

Jude, you know I support you,

but I don't want to get m*rder*d

over a soda can.

Which is why

Brian's joining you.

If anyone's getting m*rder*d,

it's him.

You two use the hate posts

- to track down Topple Nation.

- A walk?

Come on, kid.

Welcome to Prepucian.

I have to say, in man's world,

I felt out of place,

but here, I belong.

- As did your father.

- Oh, please tell me about him.

When they take a baby away

for circumcision

- Yes.

- we offer money

in exchange for

the child's foreskin.

I did not know that.

Those who won't sell

are our hope

- for a common peace.

- And my dad didn't sell.

- Oh, he sold.

- Okay.

For about 7 bucks

in today's dollars.

- Uh-huh.

- He felt guilty

and spent months

wandering in the wilderness

until we found him, half wild,

and nursed him back to health.

He became one with us.

Many of us spent time

on his p*nis.

Isn't this just the best?

Our first product launch.

Yo, dudes, it's the

mother[bleep] Topple girls.

Okay, we're not

the Topple girls, are we?

We're gonna sell

so much soda today.

Allow me to introduce you

to the foreskin

who saved your father.

Paul, this is Miriam.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Paul.

Oh, thank you for everything, Miriam,

especially for

a satisfying explanation

of why my father

walked away from us.

- What's that?

- It's a transmitter. It's like 6G.

- Hmm.

- And that's an altar for the sacrifice.

Oh. What are you sacrificing?

Aah!

Oh!

What's going on?

Graham! Ugh!

Your father was going to be

the bridge

between humans and foreskins,

two cultures united in love

and sensuality,

and you came along and ruined

everything by being born!

Aah!

I know this smell.

And now you shall die!

- Live.

- On Instagram.

He's released your

bank-account info

and your Social Security number.

Oh, Jude,

he just released your sex tape.

Why didn't you just tell me

you had a sex tape?

Because there is no sex tape.

Then what do they think

they have?

Oh!

Glenn, we're six hours in

to the leaked

Judy Ken Sebben video,

and there's still no sex.

So I guess we can call it

a no-sex tape.

I set up a webcam

so I could check on Sir Peter

Pants when I'm not home.

Lots of cat, no sex.

This is a billion times worse

than a sex tape.

Maybe I didn't have my coffee

strong enough this morning.

I don't know. I mean,

this is just a waste of time

for the viewers.

I'm sick of this sh*t.

Get me a wireless account

and a laptop.

You know, we got to

get you one of these.

Where in the hell is Brian?

He's the one who's supposed to

be m*rder*d!

Uh, shouldn't you have scanned

that laptop for the Topple virus

before giving it to Jessica

from accounting?

Charlie

check your Wi-Fi.

It's dead.

You're a genius.

Graham, why?

We now summon Instagram stories.

What the [bleep].

Ow!

Hey, guys, it's Miriam.

I know I was gonna show

you how to do a two-minute

eyebrow hack, but I thought

I'd switch things up.

So today we're gonna sacrifice

a real, live human.

Firewall breach, DDoS.

- Ugh! What the?

- We have your information.

Someone check the router.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Don't k*ll me, Graham!

Hush, man, hush.

I can't k*ll you.

It's not in my character.

If I get us out of here, you

have to help me with something.

- Deal?

- Deal.

- Slap it.

- Ow.

How'd the launch go?

- It was

- Pbht!

Birdvan phone.

Well-done, Judy.

How'd you know we were

calling from a landline?

You like old-fashioned soda.

Wasn't rocket science.

Is that a phone line, in a van?

Only line that works right now.

We used the virus to wreck

the city network.

Oh, if you thought the no-sex

tape was embarrassing,

just wait till we release

your CEO head shots.

Gross!

And all of your medical records,

including gynecological.

Got it!

It's only a couple miles away.

Hey, maybe we should

check these people out.

- Yes?

- You like Topple Popple, do you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that a crime?

Not yet. Those are some real

meat hooks you got there

big and beefy.

Birdgirl!

Guys, we've got

the wrong address.

Oh!

Look, let me do this.

I understand this guy.

- Let me bring him out alone.

- You've got five minutes.

Nobody move!

Hello? Hello?

It's just me here, I'm afraid.

I know how you feel.

You don't know anything

about me.

Disaffected, irrelevant.

Brian, Brian!

It's not what you think!

The world changes,

but you're the same.

Brian!

Nobody move!

Show us your hands.

You're a woman?

And your hands,

they're magnificent.

Step away from the mouse pad.

Make me.

I had a whole spiel

thinking you'd be a guy.

Not a guy.

Just a lady with

big paws who likes her soda.

Why are you wearing a GoPro?

Legal reasons.

Helen and I were together

37 years,

but then my host body, David,

fell ill and passed away.

We could no longer be with her.

She was the love of my life,

Helen, and she's in that house.

Wait. When you said David,

did you mean

Yes, Paul.

Your father.

And when you say

house, you mean

- A house.

- Aha.

Oh, I don't like this.

What's going on in there?

Let's just see, shall we?

I think we shall.

Brian?

1, 2, 1, 2.

It's been five minutes. Help!

You're the one in the costume.

Ow!

Shouldn't you be on my side

rooting for me?

I'm all for women CEOs

as long as they

keep their hands

off my cans.

You need any help in there?

No. We got this.

It's over.

Topple is poppled.

The important thing is all your

ladies' medical secrets are safe.

- You're welcome.

- Um, why is a picture of my hooha trending?

Probably because

I cloned all our files,

sent them to all

the major news outlets,

and told them to release it

if they didn't hear from me.

It's called a failsafe.

It's in every spy movie,

and it works.

You send it to the press

- If you want it to get out

- Not keep it a secret

You [bleep] idiot.

Yes, David was my one and only.

I miss him horribly.

Well, what if you could share

a piece of David again,

if just for a moment?

Helen!

Graham!

Oh, I somehow wish

I could step away.

Well, we should probably

be a-moseying down the road.

What's going on

with you two?

You are about to have

the best half-hour of your life.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

New feelings.

Stay here with us,

live as a thrupple.

There's absolutely nothing

for you out there.

No, I must go.

I have values.

I'm not gutter trash

like you two.

But through all this,

I somehow feel changed.

Now I have a responsibility

to bring feeling back to mankind!

It's my power now!

New Topple Popple slim cans,

Topple Popple classic cans.

If you a fake fan,

get you that new

Topple Popple slim can light.

If you a day-one real one,

stick with that

Topple Popple classic.

Sure, that slim-can Topple

new new is 50% cheaper.

But that classic can

is 50% realer.

Get your hand around that!

♪ Who is the girl

that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Wings of fire,

unique like pearls ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Who's the one

they came to see? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Birdgirl!