01x02 - ShareBear

[bunniefuu]

- For you.

- What's this?!

Just a little something

to commemorate

- your first week as C.E.O.

- Aww.

Okay. I'm not a tube

of toothpaste.

Mer, I can't believe it!

I thought this was buried

with Daddy!

- It was.

- Gross.

I love it! Thank you!

Neodymium, a rare-earth magnet.

- People will be impressed.

- How impressed?

Uh, I mean, you know

So, ready to do this?

Our first time paying

the employees together?

I dare say

I've never been readier.

It's payday, b*tch!

I was talking to myself.

- I wasn't calling you a

- Payday!

Payday!

- Hup!

- Hey, go! Whoop!

- Hyah!

- Hoop!

- Hup! - Whoop!

- Next! - Hey!

- Whoo!

- Hup!

Whoa-dee-oh-dee oh-dee-oh!

Yabada-doo-boo-boo!

- Whoo!

- Shake.

You got to be [bleep] kiddin' me.

I'm a senior executive

at this company.

- It's organic venison.

- Aw, God damn it.

Oh, good,

Brian's back.

I saw things inside those

toilet pipes, Judy

horrific things,

wonderful things.

Good thing I had the GoPro.

Your pen zapped my Pro!

And you only worked half

a week, so giddyup.

Hey! Oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God.

Who's the girl

that saves the world?

Hey!

Oh, my God, oh,

my God, oh, my God.

Birdgirl!

Oh, something else to sign.

- I'll make space right here.

- Nah, I can sign that one solo.

But if you have to sign

everything I sign,

why don't I have to sign

everything you sign?

I'm your backup so you don't

make any mistakes.

Well, what if you

make a mistake?

- Why don't you need backup?

- Sorry.

- Okay.

- I'm a mindtaker.

I don't make mistakes.

And you're Judy,

so you're always Judy-ing.

What the [bleep] does that mean?!

Am I sensing some anger?

No anger.

Nope. None.

Not one bit.

Hey, guys.

As fourth-wave feminists,

how about we support each other,

and commemorate said support

by signing this important

- financial document, right here?

- He's right.

And as a woman who

supports other women,

I'd like to empower Judy

to chill the [bleep] out.

And I want to be a fierce

advocate of Meredith

getting off my jock.

- Stop fighting!

- We're not fighting!

And since we're not, maybe

I'll let you not cool down

while I take some not space

to read that New Yorker article

about a giant earthquake

that's going to

decimate the

Pacific Northwest, or whatever.

If I'm late on my court-ordered

restitution payments, I don't

- Everyone out, now!

- Yep.

What is that?

It's a congrats gift from

some dude another C.E.O.

- I wonder how he does it.

- I bet he starts at the "C."

Um, can I get you something

some hot tea

English breakfast, Chamomile,

Neem, Oolong, Po cha.

Oh, whatever you think

is best, Gillian.

Really and truly?

Whatever I think is

- What?

- best?

- Can you leave now?

- Whatever I think is best.

Best. Best. Hmm.

Best. Best

B-E-S-T, best.

Best. Best.

Ugh, I can't believe Meredith,

thinking I need her help!

- Ugh!

- Everyone needs help.

- Aah!

- Whee!

- What are you?

- I'm Share Bear.

It all spins.

Will you be my Share Mate, Judy?

I cast you down

to the flames of

No!

Let me explain.

I'm Share Bear,

your personal Thera-Bear.

I can help you

with your problems.

I'm listening.

It sounds like you're

fighting with your best friend.

- Tickle me for "yes."

- Ugh, Meredith. Yes.

You got to tickle me.

Meredith thinks

she's supporting you.

No, she thinks I can't do

my job without her.

It sounds like you're creating a

victim narrative.

You're right.

I am a victim.

That's not really what I meant.

That's okay, because

that's what I heard.

Four internal microphones,

visual data processing.

Impressive.

- Whee!

- Gillian!

Can you get me Etan Delvay?

Ugh! Where is she?

You're the best.

I'm the best.

I'll show her.

Where's the buzzer?

- Judy?

- Aah!

Nice to meet you.

I like your office.

- Very minimal.

- It's not real.

Ow!

- That felt really real.

- Then it was to you.

I'm real.

The stapler isn't.

- Am I real?

- Ow!

You're being held back

by your company.

Not by my company,

by Meredith. Ugh.

I was like you once.

Everything was built

to say "no" to me.

So I chucked it all,

and it's been one big "yes"

ever since.

Tickle me for "yes."

Share Bear brings affordable

mental healthcare to all.

It listens, learns,

and gives the most

optimal feedback it can,

all while keeping

your information private

and stored locally.

Your secrets are in my tummy.

Judy, our job

is to take big swings,

and we start with Share Bear.

It's not too late to be the you

you dream about.

- "We"?

- Yes. Because the one thing

- I don't have is

- Factories?

hundreds of disgruntled,

miserable employees

to test the Share Bears on.

Oh, my God, I've got

so many of those!

Together,

we'll put mental healthcare

within arm's reach of everyone.

- Is this the power input?

- That's my poo chute.

For years, I struggled

with social anxiety.

I stayed shut in.

I only connected to the world

through computers.

Hmm. Nobody told me

there was a meeting.

- I called it, as C.E.O.

- Well, isn't that great for you.

The thought of getting up

in front of all of you

- You've got this.

- Yes. And that's why

I devoted my life

to making Share Bear a reality.

Judy, you can't jump into

an investment like this.

We don't know anything

about the tech world,

or mental health, or

- Share Bear

- this guy.

She's got a point.

We're an old-school company.

We make practical things

coal, potash, porn

things people can touch.

So, it's not porn, but it is exactly

the kind of business we should be in.

Etan is a decent, albeit odd,

man who's devoted his life

to bringing goodness to the world,

and we can be a part

of that dream.

I'm so confident in this deal,

I'll stake my reputation on it.

Yeah, uh, we'll

need a little more than that

for the display case, Judy.

You can't put that in a bowl.

We're so confident, Judy will

stake 20% of her stock

in Sebben & Sebben on it.

Uh, I will?

Wait.

Jude, let's talk about this.

- Deal!

- Oh.

Damn, I love a good bet.

I'm legally obligated to tell

you, if this goes to [bleep],

you forfeit the stock.

Sign right there.

Oh, my, only one

signature needed.

We'll hold your stock

as collateral

ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght

over here.

Psst. Um, hi.

Sorry.

I don't want to interrupt

the process.

Um, just, like, ballpark,

when do you think

I'll be able to hit the road?

Jude, slow down.

Let's talk about this.

Don't you think it's a little

weird Etan completely spoke

for you at that meeting?

And you're worried

because that's your job?

Whoo! Burn!

Even a Thera-Bear

loves a good burn.

You know the board's holding

20% of your stock.

If this tanks, you lose it,

and they can overrule you

on all your decisions.

It's super easy to judge

when you're second in command,

but my name's on this company.

I made a decision.

Ow!

Mer, as Birdgirl,

I've been trying to save

the world one person at a time.

But as C.E.O., I have a

shot at improving the lives

- of millions of people.

- Can't we be post-not-fighting?

Yes, we can't

not totally.

You're wrong about Etan.

You'll see at the launch party.

Sorry, you already planned

a launch party?

I still sense tension.

How did your families

communicate anger?

Shut up, Share Bear.

When I first met Judy,

I thought this partnership

was too good to be true,

because Sebben & Sebben

has the highest suicide rate

- of all Fortune 1,000 companies.

- Where's our paychecks?!

All this beautiful pent-up rage

makes Sebben & Sebben

the perfect launch pad for

a revolutionary new product.

Behold, the first

Share Bear.

Yeah!

Anyway, the Share Bear!

Sure, I've been fortunate.

Always had a job

with constant promotions

and a benefits package.

Things just always seem

to work out for me.

Maybe because I'm such

a good person.

That's very good, Brian,

but it sounds like

you're holding something back.

Nothing gets past you,

does it, ya helpful b*stard?

- I'll give you 5 openness points.

- Five?! Okay!

I m*rder*d Scot with one "T."

I can't eat or sleep.

My golf game's gone to [bleep]!

Confessing to the authorities

is a good first step.

Look at this little guy.

He even has a sense of humor.

Don't ever joke about that.

I will gut you

from stem to stern.

- That That's your stern, right?

- That's my bum button.

It's weird. Partly, I'm worried

about my unsigned paycheck,

but I guess what I'm really

afraid of is money defining me.

Listen to me, going on and on

and on about myself.

- How are you doing?

- Oh.

Nobody's ever asked me that.

W-W-W-What?!

You have never shared?

But you're a Share Bear.

I volunteer to eat your pain.

Can you back up a tad?

- You're in my personal space.

- Am I?

Or do you want to go

to that place?

Do you want to go past

the scary, past the ugly,

behind the convenience store,

Mom left you in a running car

while she went on a date?

Share with me.

Share with me.

S-S-Share.

Don't let another author

tell your story, Jessica.

Oh, everyone is loving

these little [bleep].

Tell me about your father.

Morale's never been better.

- I am so proud of you, Jude.

- Thanks, Chaz.

See, Mer, Ete is a genius.

- That's not short for Etan, is it?

- See he's a genius.

Ugh. He sure is something.

- Wednesday fritters!

- And the fritters are amazing!

You've got to get on board

with this bear thing.

But it means overcoming years

of my natural inclination

to [bleep] on things.

That's called coprophilia.

I can help.

Etan just seems too good

to be true.

Why don't you just find out.

Invite him out to a nice lunch,

and then, when nobody's looking,

take a little stroll through his

brainpan to see if he's legit.

- Bwee-yoop.

- It's not "bwee-yoop."

It's Oh, forget it.

Aw, Thursday is fritters day.

I'd like a wine spritzer.

Nothing for the bear.

He's driving.

Mind if I take a look around?

I live my life as a "yes."

Oh.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

We're a shoeless household.

Judy may trust you, but I don't,

so I'm nosing around

for the real dirt. Relax.

It'll feel like you're inside

of a grilled-cheese sandwich.

Bwee-oop!

Let's see what you're hiding

up in that piece, Mr. Delvay.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

My God, does he never

leave his apartment?

Wait a second.

Yep.

Yep!

Yes. I knew it.

Now, how to show Judy all this?

Totally uncrackable.

The only way to access the info

is, head turn right,

arm, knee, bend elbow,

grab, shake around, thumb up hoo-hah.

Caring, shar

Yes, Dog With Bucket Hat,

I've sent the wire transfer,

so you can move that 20%

of Judy's stock

right over to my account.

I [bleep] knew it.

He's plotting to take over

the company.

Gotta get that dude's bear.

Yes.

A million times, yes.

Y-e-s.

Y-e-s.

Hmm.

Bear goes on the belt.

You're free to go.

He's gone.

I don't even know why

you wanted his bear.

They're trash.

I've broken, like, 10.

I don't really give a [bleep], Paul.

Let's see if this

gets you to talk.

Head turn, right arm,

knee bend, elbow grab,

shake it 'round,

thumb up hoo-hah.

Share

Yes, Dog With Bucket Hat,

I've sent the wire transfer

- Bingo.

- 20% of Judy's stock right

Sharing.

All bears share.

What the hell did I do?

Sharing

So, how are you? And I

don't mean that as a platitude.

Okay, is that what I sound like?

Gross.

- All bears share.

- Sharing.

- Sharing.

- Sharing.

But I never make mistakes.

Sharing.

So, there's this guy Dave

who's so bland and soft and milky.

I have this creepy fantasy he

actually shows up in my office

in espadrilles

and a welding mask.

Aaah!

I'm not quite sure

where this goes.

You leave my office, and I

pretend this never happened.

What are espadrilles?

Sharing

People have told me

I have a good voice.

What people?

Guys, we all have them.

Lance has one.

Lance, buddy, tell them.

Tell them!

What's wrong with lipstick, huh?

Guys. Guys!

Don't leave while it's weird!

Dismiss.

My golf game's gone to [bleep]

I've been anonymously sending

his family all my loose change,

but even that hasn't helped.

I could see Scot with one T's

life force draining from him.

The more he pleaded with me

the more I hated him.

- I don't know what's wrong!

- What's wrong?

I staked my reputation

on you and your bears,

and now, both are worthless.

Jude, I got his bear to talk.

You can move that 20% of

Judy's stock right over to my account.

He tricked you into

signing over your stock

so he could wrest control of

Sebben & Sebben from you.

- How could you?!

- How did you crack my bear?

What did they do to you,

baby boy?

You know the thing

elbow grab,

shake it 'round, thumb up a*s.

You overrode their

data-encryption settings!

This is your fault!

How about we all

take it down a notch?

And later, we will be revisiting

you stealing 20% of my stock.

It's really not

what it seems, Judy.

I really trusted you, you know?

You and me, changing the world.

Brian, you're lurking.

I know you invented

the Share Bear,

and on behalf of everyone

at Sebben & Sebben,

I'd just like to say

jump.

I don't know about you people,

but I told my bear some dark [bleep].

And what do Share Bears do?

- They share with the world!

- Yeah!

They'll leave the building, and

everyone will know our secrets.

Thanks, broom guy.

No bear shall pass

that threshold!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Uh, except him.

Hey, Dave, can you go get

your g*dd*mn bear?

I'm gonna be the bigger person,

and say this isn't all your fault.

Another way of

putting that is?

It's not your fault at all.

I was just trying

to protect you.

I don't need it, Mer.

I blew my shares, but at least

it was my decision.

You're right. I know your

name's on the company.

And you know I support you

no matter what.

Toothpaste.

Why are we stuck togeth

oh, magnetic pen.

You wear underwire bras, too?

Have you been to Jeanette's?

- Where the alphabet starts at "D."

- Ugh!

Mer, get the Birdteam.

Aah!

It's not that bad.

Really.

- Whee!

- Hey, guys.

It's me, Meredith,

in y'all's head!

Bwee-yoop, mother[bleep].

Paul, you round them up,

and drive them towards Charlie.

Charlie, you trap them

in the front entrance.

Birdcat, guard the flank,

and make sure none of them

get out the side door.

Birdteam, go!

Come on, little ones.

Come to Daddy Bear.

Neodymium, go!

- You don't have to tell it to go.

- I like saying "go."

Rent! Yes!

Before I go, I'd like to

propose direct deposit.

Next!

Huh.

I thought I said "coffee."

Coffee.

I see, coffee.

Who sent the congrats gift?

"Dearest Judy, you're the

only one who ever believed in me

so much that you risked

20% of your company.

I bought your stock just

to give it back to you.

Friends forever, Etan."

- Uhh

- Um, gulp.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming for you, Judy-y!

Who is the girl that

saves the world?

Hey! Birdgirl!

Wings of fire, you need that girl.

Hey! Birdgirl!

Who's the one they came to see?

Hey! Birdgirl!

Oh, this is so unique.

Hey! Birdgirl!

Birdgirl! Hey!